03x06 - Where There's a Will

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Gilligan's Island". Aired: September 26, 1964 – April 17, 1967.*
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Series follows the comic adventures of seven castaways as they try to survive on an island where they are shipwrecked.
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03x06 - Where There's a Will

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day for a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

[Thunder]

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship set ground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

Oh!

Professor: well, he has no fever.

His temperature is normal.

Yeah, but his barometer's falling.

I think he's gonna rain.

Ginger, what's his pulse?

What's divided by minutes?

. Well, his pulse is normal, too.

Darling, I brought you some hot soup.

No, no, no, no. Oh, dear.

Is it starve a cold and feed a fever,

Or feed a fever and starve a cold?

Oh, well. It doesn't matter.

Why do you get such complicated diseases?

Professor, I brought some...

Oxygen from the boat.

Well, that won't be necessary, skipper.

Look, professor, you've got to help me.

Call a specialist, develop a new serum,

But you--you've got to save poor little me.

Oh! That smarts!

Actually, mr. Howell, you're suffering from an internal disorder

Of the gastrointestinal tract,

Which has manifested itself in contractions of the upper transverse colon.

Lovey: oh, how perfectly awful.

Well, to phrase it more simply,

Mr. Howell has a common bellyache.

A bellyache, perhaps, but common? Never.

I suggest we all leave.

Mr. Howell needs rest now more than anything else.

Run along, dear.

I want to tell you how much I appreciate

Your attention and your concern.

Professor: you'll be on your feet in no time, mr. Howell.

Gilligan: yeah, get better fast.

Skipper: as soon as possible.

Ginger: yes, please, mr. Howell.

Oh, their devotion and care, my dear...

I wish there were some way of showing my appreciation.

Well, why don't we ask them to the club for dinner?

No. No, you've got to think big, lovey.

Well, let's ask them out to our place at monaco.

No, no, no. Bigger.

I've begun to think of those people as part of my family.

Family! That's it! I know what I'll do.

Oh, darling, I knew you'd solve the problem,

Whatever it is.

I'll rewrite my will and leave them all my millions.

The howell fortune. They'll be heirs and heiresses.

Ha ha ha! Ooh. Another att*ck.

Oh, no.

I, thurston howell iii, being of sound mind and body...

Not so fast, darling.

Yes, yes, of course.

I, thurston howell iii, being of sound mind and body,

Do hereby bequeath and devise

All my holdings in the transcontinental railroad

To one gilligan.

Oh, I don't think you should leave the railroad to gilligan.

Oh, no, but boys love trains, my dear.

No. This railroad definitely goes to gilligan.

But he can't possibly afford it.

You said yourself that it loses a million a year.

Yes, yes. You are so right.

You are absolutely right. I tell you what,

Leave the diamond mine to gilligan.

Oh, I thought of ginger for the diamond mine.

She has such a lovely throat.

Yes, you are so right.

Much more appropriate for ginger.

Now, I wonder, what are we going to leave

The dear, dear, dear professor?

How about that little island in the pacific?

You mean australia.

On second thought, we ought to leave him the railroad.

He has such a mechanical mind, you know.

Yes, but sometimes he forgets to wind it up.

All right. The railroad to the professor,

The diamond mine to ginger...

There you are, ginger, a copy of my will

And to you, your own little diamond mine.

My own diamond mine?

I think I'm going to faint.

Well, don't fall on me. I just got a railroad.

And you must learn to react calmly.

To a diamond mine?

Well, especially to the little things.

Yes. Now, if I may continue.

Oh, yes, and how, mr. Howell. Please continue.

You're getting a little excited, skipper.

Now, oh, here we are. To dear, sweet, little mary ann,

Because you've been such a little gem,

Your own plantation.

Oh, cotton or sugar, mr. Howell?

Uh, both. Better throw in a fleet of cars.

It's a long ride between crops.

Oh, mr. Howell, you're wonderful.

You're so generous and sweet.

And now, to gilligan, your own personal oil well.

An oil well?

Of course you'll have to have the monogram changed

On the tower at your own expense.

I'll change the monogram. I'll change it. I'll change it.

What's a monogram?

Oh, gilligan, be quiet now, will you? Because I'm next.

Yes, quite.

Oh, captain, mr. Howell would never forget you.

If it weren't for you wrecking the boat,

We wouldn't any of us be here.

Thurston: so true.

So, to our beloved captain, acres in colorado.

Acres.

Acres, is that all?

Well, he's referring to downtown denver.

Thurston: it's a very cosmopolitan spot, I must say.

Well, that's it.

That is my new will.

[All talking]

My own oil well. You know what I'm gonna do first?

I'm gonna fix that squeaky hinge on my door.

No. I can afford to buy a whole new hinge.

Gilligan, why don't you buy a whole new door?

Hey, you're right, skipper.

I never thought of that.

Don't mention it now, gilligan.

Just shut up and go to sleep.

And I'll get my tennis racket restrung,

And a new hockey puck,

And a ball and a bat. Gilligan...

Now just stop talking and please go to sleep.

Ok, skipper.

[Whispering] and a new skateboard, and a new beanie,

And pounds of licorice.

Pounds of licorice.

With all that money, why don't you start thinking big?

You're right.

Pounds of licorice.

A skateboard and licorice. Heh heh heh.

You know what I'm gonna buy?

No. What?

A new boat.

I'm gonna get one of those luxury yachts

With its own swimming pool.

Gilligan: wow.

Why, I might even buy a whole fleet of yachts.

I might even buy a whole fleet of skateboards.

Anger.

Joy.

Sorrow.

Love.

Ginger, would you please be quiet?

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I got carried away.

You know, when I get my money,

I'm going to back my own broadway play,

And of course I'm gonna star in it.

Well, I'll buy a whole row of front row tickets

If you just let me concentrate.

I'm just practicing my emotions.

Well, please do it quietly.

I'm only on the ls

Of the list of the things I'm gonna buy.

I don't know whether to live in london

And spend the summers on the riviera,

Or live on the riviera

And spend the summers in london.

Hatred.

Ecstasy.

Oh.

...hip boots, a harpoon,

A jar of pickles. I don't know.

A tree house!

Oh, I always wanted a tree house!

Yes, gilligan.

And maybe I'll buy an aircraft carrier.

But then I'd have to buy

The aircraft to go with it, wouldn't i?

Hmm. Well, why not?

Gilligan, shut up and go to sleep.

Good night, skipper.

Good night.

[Sighs]

Maybe I'll buy the whole seventh fleet!

Skipper!

Yes.

I've got to talk to you.

Well, what is it, professor? What's wrong?

Well, I can't decide.

Should I build my new research laboratory on the east coast,

Or on the west coast?

Come on, professor. You're as bad as gilligan.

How can you spend money you haven't got?

And why don't you get some sleep?

Sleep? How can I possibly sleep?

Do you realize that I'm gonna have my own nuclear reactor?

And I'm gonna have my own tree house.

Wait till you hear about my new yacht harbor.

And a maple tree with hot and cold running syrup.

You know, instead of the lab...

[All talking]

Oh, what a beautiful day!

I feel like a boy again.

And you look years younger.

Oh, thank you, and you know what did it?

It's the spirit of giving.

That's true, darling, but you've always had the spirit of giving.

I have?

Yes. I remember your distinctly telling me

That you gave your partner the business.

Yes, my dear. Well, that was something else.

You know, I feel happy

Since I've included the castaways in my will.

Ah, darling.

Oh, there's the captain.

Excuse me. I want to talk to him.

Good-bye, my love. Good-bye, darling.

Aw, he's so sweet. I love him.

Oh, captain! Oh, captain!

Uh, gilligan, where's the captain?

Captain, what captain?

Well, there's only one captain on the island, dear boy.

Oh, skipper. You mean the skipper.

Yes, yes. Where is he? I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

You were just talking to him.

Mr. Howell, do you feel well enough to be out of bed?

Well, of course I'm all right, gilligan.

[Thunk]

Did you see that?

See what?

It almost hit me.

What is the meaning of that arrow?

Uh, I guess it means it's a one-way path.

Lovey, if I didn't know better,

I would swear that someone is trying to k*ll me.

Oh, nonsense, dear.

No, it's not as preposterous as it seems.

Now, here are the facts.

--Gilligan lies about the skipper,

--An arrow barely misses me,

And --gilligan is very suspicious about the answer.

Now, what do , , and add up to?

Uh, , I believe.

Lovey, don't be silly.

I'm talking about attempted m*rder.

Oh, darling. You really have a very overactive imagination.

You said yourself that everybody here loves you.

But that was before I made out my new will.

I tell you, lovey. Things are going on. Come on.

Well, where are we going?

Going to see what we can find out from the girls.

Girls never can keep a secret.

Gee, ginger, that pit looks awfully deep.

Well, it has to be so he can't get out.

Thurston: oh, ginger! Mary ann!

Uh-oh, we'd better get out of here.

Hurry up. Come on.

Thurston: there they are, lovey.

Where are they?

Oh, there they go.

Ginger! Mary ann!

Really, thurston. You must learn to watch where you're going.

A second attempt on my life within the hour,

And you sit there knitting!

Oh, I'm not knitting, darling.

I'm doing petit point.

If I were knitting, I'd go knit one, pearl two,

Knit one, pearl two.

But in petit point you go in and out,

In and out, in and out.

They are trying to k*ll me.

Thurston, how can I concentrate if you carry on so?

Lovey, darling, will you please put that down

And tell me what to do.

All right. We'll start at the beginning.

Yeah, that's much better.

I suppose it is possible that something is going on.

Well, it certainly is,

And to think those two girls

Could be part of such a dastardly plot.

Don't tell me you suspect those two innocent dears?

Well, who dug that pit?

Gophers?

To think people could be corrupted by money,

And for a few paltry million dollars.

You can't honestly believe that everybody on this island

Is plotting against you.

Well, I don't know about everybody,

But look.

There's the skipper, there's gilligan,

There's ginger and mary ann.

That leaves only one person that we can trust.

Thurston: professor, professor, is that you up there?

That's strange.

I know I saw the professor up th--

[Crash]

Lovey, they're all in this together.

Darling. My darling!

Boulder.

They'll never get me, lovey, with this barricade.

We howells have survived far, far greater dangers.

Those wolves will never get to howell.

Oh, darling, how clever of you.

You just made the most marvelous pun.

What pun? What you just said.

Those wolves will never get to howl.

Lovey, that was beautiful, wasn't it?

Ah, this thing I do is far, far greater.

I have a rendezvous with some secluded barricade.

Oh, barricade, lovey.

No, no, no! Not that.

This place is messy enough.

I'd be so embarrassed if anybody dropped in.

You're so magnificent.

You remind me of grandmother howell.

When the indians invaded her cabin,

She made them wipe their feet first.

Last thing she ever did.

But, darling, those aren't indians out there.

Those are your friends.

Friends? Friends? Do friends sh**t arrows at you?

Do they throw you into a bottomless pit?

Do they try and crush you with a boulder?

But there must be some explanation for all this.

There is. There is.

They're trying to k*ll me.

If they aren't, you're going to feel mighty foolish.

Oh, boy, doesn't this look good?

Too sour.

Professor, where'd you get these beautiful mushrooms?

Oh, they only grow under very large rocks,

And I almost broke my back getting them.

Oh, do you think mr. Howell's gonna be surprised

About his surprise party?

I guarantee you we'll shake him up.

Unless someone made him suspicious.

What are you lookin' at me for? I didn't tell him.

You know how good I keep a secret.

That's what we mean, gilligan.

Skipper, I'm sure mr. Howell doesn't suspect a thing.

Well, let's keep it that way.

It's too sweet.

Oh, boy!

After months without meat, what a treat!

Wait till he tastes those barbecued spareribs

We're gonna give him.

Yes, we were lucky to trap that wild boar

In the pit.

Yes, I'm certainly sorry

I missed him with that first arrow.

We had a hard time catching him.

I just love barbecued spareribs.

Well, I just love mr. Howell.

We all love mr. Howell.

Oh, they all hate me. Instead of this putter,

I wish I had my trusty nine iron.

It's gotten me out of many a trap.

Lovey, my dear. Hurry with those bandages.

Yes, darling. I'm coming.

Oh, is that the outfit you intend to wear?

Yes. Yes, my dear. Why?

Oh, well, then I'll have to make bandages

Out of this sport shirt.

All the others would clash.

Ha! Good thinking, lovey.

I tell you, we'll be invincible.

I could hold off an entire battalion for a month.

There's just one small item you've overlooked, dear.

What's that? We'll starve.

Holy cow! You're right.

There's only one thing to do.

When I was confronted with a crisis on wall street,

I used to meet it head on.

Well, what are you going to do?

The only thing a true howell can do.

I'll go to the scoundrels and face them down.

Lovey, give me a hand.

Take the trunk. I'll take teddy and my drink.

How's the cake coming, mary ann?

Mmm. Perfect. It's just ready for baking.

Yeah.

And this dunch is almost all pun.

I mean this punch is almost all done.

Mmm. It's perfect.

It's all gone, but believe me, it was perfect.

Good work, gilligan.

You're punch-drunk!

All right. Who is going to slaughter the boar?

Come on, who's going to do it?

Somebody's gotta k*ll that old boar.

Gilligan: I can't do it. I don't have the heart.

Professor: it'll be quite messy.

It's certainly no kind of work for a girl.

Oh, it's a shame that arrow didn't get him.

Oh, you're all making a lot of fuss over nothing.


Now, all you have to do

Is sneak up behind him and...

Then it's all over.

Gilligan: well, if it's so easy, why don't you do it?

Well, we know it's not going to be easy.

If he knows you're coming for him, he's gonna be vicious.

Well, but, I mean, all I have to do

Is hit him senseless with a club,

And then some one of you can cut his throat.

Mary ann: oh, but it seems so cruel.

Skipper: believe me, mary ann, he won't feel a thing.

Professor: look, we know it's not going to be easy,

But once it's over with, we can all relax and celebrate.

Gilligan: I almost wish mr. Howell hadn't put us in his will.

It started the whole thing.

Oh, don't be silly, gilligan.

Will or no will, mr. Howell deserves this.

Now, come on.

Why don't one of you big, strong men

Do it and get it over with?

I know.

Why don't we go money eeny miney--

Miney eeny money.

Never mind, gilligan. We know what you mean,

But even a pig deserves more dignity than that,

So let's draw lots.

Thurston, what's the matter? What's wrong?

I overheard their diabolical plot,

And believe me, lovey, they'll never take me alive.

Oh, thurston howell, I don't believe a word of it.

No, I overheard them. They're going to draw lots.

To see who kills the old bore.

Oh, now I know you're being ridiculous.

No! They said they're going to k*ll the old bore.

Oh, don't be silly, darling. You're not an old bore.

And that's what I've been telling people for years.

Thanks...i think.

That wasn't a very nice thing for me to say,

Especially while you're still alive.

Lovey, you've got to be more serious.

One of them is going to knock me senseless,

The others are going to cut my throat,

And then they're going to have a party,

And then they're going to celebrate.

Oh, dear, I do think having a party

Is in very bad taste.

I'll send you my forwarding address on the next tide.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the other side of the island.

Oh, I'll go with you. No, no, no, dear.

That's impossible.

But how will you live? What are you going to do?

I'll hide in the jungle, I'll live in the trees,

I'll swing by vines.

I'll eat berries, I'll eat grubs,

I'll sleep by day, and I'll prowl by night.

I'll live like an animal.

Where's the financial page?

How will you survive in the jungle?

If the apes can do it, believe me, so can i.

A howell can do it much better.

Farewell, my dear. I'll see you in happier days.

Oh, darling. Haven't you forgotten something?

Yes, I certainly have. I forgot my suitcase.

Carry on, my dear. Carry on.

Remember, I love you always.

Good-bye, my precious one.

I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

You mean to tell me that all this time

You've been planning a surprise party for mr. Howell?

Gilligan: uh-huh. We wanted to do something nice for him

Because we love him.

Then who's the old bore

You've been planning to k*ll?

The old bore?

Oh, you must mean the wild pig that we trapped

'Cause we thought mr. Howell

Would like some barbecued spareribs.

He does! He does! He just adores them!

Good heavens.

What, is something wrong?

Mr. Howell. He's gone.

He thought you were trying to k*ll him.

Trying to k*ll him? Why, that's ridiculous.

Where is he?

He's gone in hiding at the other side of the island.

Oh, that could be dangerous.

There may be wild animals.

Wild animals?

Mrs. Howell, don't worry about the wild animals.

No?

They usually fall in the quicksand.

Quicksand!

We'd better go get him right now!

[All shouting]

Gilligan: mr. Howell?

Skipper: where are you?

Professor: I think he came this way.

Oh, they're getting closer.

But they'll never get me. Never! Never, do you hear?

Onward!

Boy, is he slippery, huh?

I was positive--

I was positive he headed in this direction.

Look! Professor, he must have been here.

Look, it's a banana.

That doesn't mean he was here.

An ape probably dropped that.

Oh, gilligan. Does an ape use a napkin?

If he's neat.

He went this way.

Come on!

Can't go on.

Must rest.

[Gurgling]

Quicksand.

Gilligan: mr. Howell!

Hey, mr. Howell!

Skipper: mr. Howell! Gilligan: where are you?

Oh, look.

What's the matter?

Oh, it's mr. Howell's hat.

Professor: in the quicksand.

Gilligan: mr. Howell?

Mr. Howell, are you down there?

Wait a minute, gilligan! It's no use!

What a horrible ending for mr. Howell.

I wish we could have given him a funeral.

We can, gilligan. We can.

[Women crying]

Mrs. Howell, shall we begin?

Gilligan.

Gilligan, are you sure the grave is big enough?

It should be. It's and / .

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

To pay our last respects to mr. Thurston howell iii.

[All weeping]

Skipper: none of us was too happy

When we became marooned on this island,

But we got something for it.

We got to know mr. Howell.

[Sobs]

And today we are richer for having known him.

You bet you're richer. All of you.

Our thoughts are with you down there, mr. Howell.

How dare you.

Well, mrs. Howell, no offense.

I was referring to the quicksand.

I know exactly where he is.

Thurston was always an angel.

Yes, mrs. Howell. I'm sure that he's right up there.

In spite of all mr. Howell's wealth,

He was a real buddy,

A true friend. He was one of us,

And as a true friend, we always counted on him.

We counted on him often.

For how else could we have survived on this island

Without his foresight, his wisdom, his courage?

Oh, I feel I've not only lost a true friend,

I've lost a brother.

[Women sobbing]

Yes. I've lost a friend and advisor.

He treated me like a father.

He was like a father to me.

He was like a father to me.

He was like a husband to me.

He was kind and sweet and gentle and loving.

Oh, I wish thurston could hear this.

I'm sure that somehow he can.

Skipper: thurston howell was a saint of a man.

He was always thinking of others... As he proved to us

When he remembered us all in his will.

We shall never forget you, thurston howell.

I can't take his money. I don't want his oil well.

Good-bye, denver.

The same goes for me. Good-bye, railroad.

Oh, I couldn't take his diamond mine.

Oh, I'd never be happy on that plantation.

They never really cared about my money.

It's me they love.

[Wailing]

[Branch creaks] whoa!

It's mr. Howell.

Mr. Howell, is it really you?

[Gasps]

Mrs. Howell, look who's here!

Look, everybody! Mr. Howell!

[Cheering]

Gilligan, look who's here!

Quiet, quiet! Don't let me interrupt.

I've never been to a more beautiful funeral.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

Speech! Speech!

Well, thank you. I don't know what to say,

Except I haven't felt so wonderful

Since I foreclosed my mortgage on the city of cleveland.

Oh, mr. Howell.

I wish there were some way we could show you

How glad we are that you're back.

Well, you already have.

You gave me the finest funeral a man ever had.

Yeah, I enjoyed it.

Women: surprise!

Surprise?

Oh, isn't that-- what a cake!

I'm completely overwhelmed.

I just wish that dear lovey were here.

Where is that wonderful woman?

Oh, lovey!

Here I am.

Just like a howell. Always in the dough.

♪ Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make the best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate and his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In their tropic island nest ♪

♪ No phone ♪ ♪ no lights ♪

♪ No motorcars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪
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