03x10 - Topsy-Turvy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Gilligan's Island". Aired: September 26, 1964 – April 17, 1967.*
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Series follows the comic adventures of seven castaways as they try to survive on an island where they are shipwrecked.
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03x10 - Topsy-Turvy

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day for a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

[Thunder]

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship's aground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

[Native drums b*ating]

Here's the cave I was telling you about.

You were right.

It is big enough for all of us.

That's right, and food

And a big water supply and everything.

Anybody home?!

[Echo] home, home!

Will you stop fooling around?

Those headhunters are closer every minute.

Do those headhunters really cut off your head?

Yes. They cut them off, they shrink them,

And they put them on the ends of sticks.

Eww, what crazy canes. I'm gonna get outta here.

They're not gonna take me without a chase.

Come back here, gilligan.

We need some bamboo for weapons--

Some spears and clubs and everything.

Now go get some.

Aye, aye, sir.

Gilligan, you don't have to try

And knock your own head off.

The natives will do it for you.

First it was day, and then it was night,

And then it was day...then it was night...

What's the matter, gilligan?

How come you two guys are upside down?

Upside down? What are you talking about?

How come...the whole world is upside down?

I got my medical book in the supply hut.

I'll see if there's a cure for your condition.

Yeah. Please hurry.

Seeing everything upside down makes me awful dizzy.

What a time for this to happen

When all those headhunters are closing in.

Yeah. They'll probably mix it up and cut off my feet.

Gilligan, take it easy, now.

Just lean against the table.

Yeah. Thanks, skipper.

I'm sorry I'm gonna have to leave you, little buddy,

But I gotta go make some spears.

Ok, I'll help you.

Come over here and just sit down at the table.

Now wait until the professor comes back

With something to fix you.

I better be careful. I almost fell up.

Yes. All right, little buddy. Stay right there.

Gilligan, have you seen mary ann?

Those drums keep getting louder and louder,

And skipper wants fresh water for the cave,

And why have you got your eyes closed?

Because I'm afraid to open them.

Gilligan, closing your eyes

Won't make those headhunters go away.

That's not what I'm afraid of.

Then why have you got your eyes closed?

'Cause you're standing upside down,

And I'm afraid your dress might fall up.

Gilligan, that's ridiculous!

Hey, you're right. It's staying there.

This is no time to be playing games.

Those headhunters could be here any minute.

It's not a game. See, I was running along,

And I hit my head against the branch--

I don't have time to listen to you.

I've got to find mary ann.

For a girl, she runs pretty good on her head.

Thurston: back, you headhunters!

You fight very well, señor,

But not well enough for the count of monte cristo.

Aha! So, you're hiding in here!

Caught you sneaking up on me!

Hah! Hah! Hah!

Thurston, be careful with that thing.

I'm protecting you from the evil headhunters, my dea--

[Grunting]

My darling, exactly whatever are you doing?

Well, if I'm going to have my head hanging on a wall,

I want it to be properly coiffured and chapeaued.

Don't worry, my dear.

They'll never touch a hair on your head.

Yes, but the professor said--

Bah and humbug what the professor said!

Just put your trust in me faithful sword.

Exactly, uh...what did the professor say?

Well, he said that our only chance for survival was to hide in a cave.

Oh, good heavens, it took generations of breeding

To get the howells out of a cave.

Unless, of course, you want to sit down and reason with them.

My dear, you reason with men at the harvard club,

Not with men who carry clubs.

You know, I understand that they become quite childlike

If you offer them a few trinkets.

My dear, you're absolutely brilliant!

Just dazzle them with your diamonds, my dear.

Oh, no, darling. Not diamonds.

Natives like rhinestones.

The aborigines will never know that they're real.

Gilligan, you're a very lucky young man.

Lucky?

Yes. There's a berry

That grows in this part of the pacific

That has remarkable curative properties for optic disorders.

It's bad enough having eye trouble. Now I've got optic disorders.

Gilligan, it's the same thing.

The captibora berry may be the cure for your condition.

I'll eat anything if it helps.

Now, there are a variety of captibora plants here on the island,

But I want only the red berries with the green dots.

So we must all make sure we pick the right ones.

Mary ann: you mean we all have to go out and pick them?

Yes.

Oh, gilligan, I'm awfully fond of you,

But I'm not going out in that jungle alone.

Not while those drums are b*ating.

What drums?

The ones that are going--

They've stopped.

We're saved!

No headhunters?

Well, they only att*ck

To the b*ating of the tom-toms,

And since we don't hear a drumbeat,

It follows that we have nothing to fear.

[Speaking native language]

Nothing. Absolutely nothing around here.

Poor gilligan. Sure glad I don't have his problem.

Ginger: mary ann, I think I found some!

Is it?

Oh, no. They have to have green dots on them.

Oh, I'm exhausted.

Well, at least we don't have any headhunters to worry about.

Do you think there really ever were any headhunters?

Well, the professor thought so.

Well, that's because he heard the drumbeats,

But we never actually saw one.

I know, but back in kansas,

The farmers have a saying--

It's the wolf you don't see--that's the one you have to worry about.

Oh, but you don't come from a farm,

So I guess you don't know anything about wolves.

You kidding? I come from hollywood.

Let's concentrate on finding more captibora berries.

Ooh. That name. The cure sounds worse than the disease.

[Snap]

Did you say something?

No.

Professor: mary ann, ginger!

I found some of the berries.

I can't tell if it's quarter to : or...

Half past : .

Who cares? I'm hungry anyway.

It's hard to tell, but I think that's a papaya tree.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll do better if I close my eyes.

Thurston: gilligan!

Gilligan, are you around, boy?

Over here, mr. Howell!

I don't remember cuttin' that in half.

There you are, gilligan.

Gilligan, we've seen the cave, and it just won't do.

Gilligan, my boy, you have bursitis?

No. I see everything upside down.

How nice! Now, as I was saying,

We've seen the cave, and it won't do.

Uh, gilligan, mrs. Howell is talking.

You--you must look at her.

Well, ok, mr. Howell, I'll try.

You know, dear, I think he's trying to tell us something.

I'm trying to tell you a lot of things.

I see everything upside down. The drums have stopped,

So there's no more headhunters, and we're out of danger.

No more headhunters?

The drums have stopped.

So they have.

That's marvelous news! Let's celebrate!

Let's have a party.

Well, like I was saying, see, I was running along--

We'll wear paper hats and play party games.

And charades.

Musical chairs.

Follow the leader.

Pin the tail on the donkey.

You mean the polo pony, my dear.

Oh, naturally, darling. What else?

Yes. And we'll have something to eat-- something very inventive.

And maybe I'll get some of my vintage bubbly out...

I hope this medicine works.

What if it doesn't?

Well, we'll have to find another cure.

You can't go through life like that.

Yeah. Imagine going through life not knowing which end is up.

Gilligan, I shall withhold comment.

How long will it take for that medicine to work?

Its effect should be immediate.

Listen, hand me that shell over there to my left, will you, please?

Oh, gilligan!

Sorry, professor, but I didn't want to spill it,

So I turned it right side up which is wrong side down,

'Cause everything I see right is wrong, and everything wrong--

Gilligan...do me a favor, will you?

The next time I ask for help, refuse it.

Yes, sir.

Thank you. Now, go over there and sit down.

Yes, sir.

Uh...mmm...

Ah. I made it.

Yes. What you've made is a mess.

[Mumbling]

Hi, gilligan. Hi, professor.

I found a whole bunch of berries.

Oh, wonderful, skipper.

Now there's one more thing you can do

To make this experiment a complete success.

What's that, professor?

Take gilligan outside.

All right.

Come on, dr. Kildare.

Steady as she g--oh!

For a little guy, you can sure get in big trouble.

That's 'cause I try harder.

Boy, the things I do for you.

I'm sorry, skipper, but this is the only way

I can talk to you without falling down... Or up, or sideways.

Skipper, you are standing

On your head, aren't you?

Of course I am, professor.

Oh, good. For a minute,

I thought I was working too hard.

Come on, gilligan.

Give him some of that stuff before I k*ll myself.

[Groans]

No, gilligan.

That's it.

Now, close your eyes.

Now, just take one sip.

Ugh!

Drink it, will you?

It smells awful.

Oh, the smell is nothing compared to the taste.

Oh. That's different.

There. That wasn't so bad, was it?

No, that wasn't so bad. It wasn't bad. It was horrible!

All right, now, gilligan...

Very slowly... Open your eyes.

Do you still see everything upside down?

No. I see everything right side up.

Well, then why are your eyes closed?

Well...

I see of everything.

?

Yeah. Skipper, skipper...

Professor, professor.

What? What?

Skipper, skipper, professor, .

Professor, professor,

Professor more.

Yaaaaahhhh!

[Speaking native language]

Professor: all right, gilligan, close your eyes.

Why does he keep seeing double now?

Well, it's probably the captibora berries.

They seem to have unstable properties.

We've got to find some kind of a cure for my little buddy.

Thanks, thanks, skipper, skipper.

"Thanks, thanks, skipper, skipper"?

I didn't want to miss either one of you.

Gilligan, open your eyes.

Oh, the pupils are extremely dilated.

That's bad, huh?

Well, not necessarily.

This entire problem is probably

A temporary reaction

To the captibora extract.

Frankly, I'm not overly concerned.

I'm not, either, if it was happening to somebody else.

I'll have to prepare a new extract,

Something to counteract the last one.

Ginger said that you wanted to see us.

Yes, I did. It concerns our young friend here.

Oh, you mean that he sees everything upside down.

Mr. Howell, you only see one gilligan, right?

Well, that seems to be quite sufficient.

Well, I see mr. Howells and mrs. Howells.

Well, lucky boy. Imagine seeing howells at one viewing.

Mr. Howell, we've all gotta pitch in and work hard.

Uh, yes. Yes. I shall donate a sizable sum to medical science.

Oh, and I'll go to see him on visiting hours.

We must all go into the jungle and collect captibora berries.

With our hands?! That's right!

But that's manual labor!

Mr. Howell, hard work never hurt anybody.

Well, it never helped anyone, either.

But it's for gilligan!

Oh, that's the unkindest cut of all,

Appealing to my sentimental side.

Well, darling, let's cooperate and pick berries.

But it's manual labor. Suppose someone should see us.

We'll wear dark glasses. No one will ever recognize us.

Ha ha! Good thinking!

You stay right here now, little buddy,

And we'll be back in no time.

Oh, by the way, gilligan. There may be other side effects

Caused by the sun's rays and the dilation of your pupils.

The refraction could cause hallucinations.

That's ok as long as I don't start seeing things.

Gilligan, that's what the professor means by "hallucinations."

To put it more simply, don't believe everything you see.

You mean if I see the creature from the black lagoon, I shouldn't worry.

Exactly. It won't be real.

What if I see brigitte bardot in a towel?

Call me!

Everything's double, including my appetite.

I'm twice as hungry as I was before.

Oh, boy...bananas.

The professor was right.

I--i can't believe anything I see.

Well, if it's not that one,

It must be this one.

I bet the professor never thought

I'd start seeing things like that.

Mary ann: I know there's another bush down by the lagoon.

Now, the professor said that we've got to fill

As many baskets up as we can.

Oh, gilligan,

We've got your captibora berries.

Thanks, I'll take 'em.

Oh, here, we'll hand them to you.

Yeah, it'll work better that way.

Do you still see of me?

Yeah, one there and one there.

Wouldn't it be wonderful

If there really were two of me?

One of me could go out on a date,

And the other could stay home and get some sleep.


Oh, and you'd spend twice as much time under the dryer,

Twice as much time washing,

And twice as much time ironing. Killjoy.

Gilligan, we'll go get you some more berries.

I'll wait here for the of you.

Tables, and I can't hit one.

Thurston: gilligan!

Gilligan!

Gilligan, gilligan, my boy.

We found a veritable gold mine of berries.

Oh, hi, mr. And mrs. Howell and friends.

Oh, we've had the most marvelous luck.

No, no, no, skill, my dear, skill.

While the others were bumbling around,

My helpmate and I succeeded in our little quest.

We each found a berry.

One? Each. Each.

That's right-- very exhausting, but well worth it

If it will straighten you out.

Straighten him out?

Oh, don't tell me he won't be the confusing boy

We've grown to know and love?

No, I mean, just to correct

His eyesight, my dear.

Don't worry, mrs. Howell, I'll stay mixed up as ever.

Oh, that's thoughtful of you, dear.

Well, well, it's siesta time.

Yes, berry picking's very tiring.

[Loud yawn]

Oh! Don't you hit my wife!

Aah!

Get that Kn*fe out of my way!

Oh! Mr. And mrs. Howell,

They got you, too?!

Well, we didn't engage them

As tour guides, I'll tell you that.

Careful, these men are savages.

Thurston, why don't you tell them who you are?

Good idea. Now, look here, I am thurston howell iii.

Who's head man, here?

What's--what's your union affiliations,

Local headhunters , huh?

Thurston, why don't you go get some of our trinkets?

Good idea. Get the trinkets.

Hyah!

I don't think he understood me.

Well, I understand him perfectly.

What are we going to do?!

We're gonna wait for the professor, skipper and gilligan

To rescue us.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I have an idea. It always works.

It's a universal language.

Here, my good man, here is $ , .

Grr.

It's money!

M-o-n-e-y.

He doesn't understand.

He is utterly uncivilized.

A little under the table?

Professor: gilligan.

I've got another dose of the medication ready for you.

Do I have to?

Well, unless you enjoy seeing double.

Professor, I can't find the girls

Or the howells anyplace.

Well, they must be somewhere in the vicinity.

Yeah, I saw of them ago about a half an hour.

All of them?

Yeah, there was mary anns, gingers--

Oh, never mind.

Now, gilligan, I want you to take

Just one sip, close your eyes,

And don't open them again until I tell you.

Ok.

Now when you open your eyes,

Your vision should be cleared.

All right, gilligan,

Open your eyes.

I see professors and skippers.

Images?!

Of everything?

Oh, no. The extract must have reacted

In some sort of weird geometric progression.

Well, professor, I'm afraid you're not helping

My little buddy at all.

I'm afraid not, skipper.

Gilligan, forgive me.

I will, professor,

As soon as you get rid of all those people.

However, it should be possible

To reverse the process.

We must dilute the extract.

Here, gilligan, close your eyes

And drink this water.

Now, keep drinking.

Now, keep drinking.

All right, open your eyes.

Skipper: well?

I see one of you, each.

That's wonderful!

He's cured! Yes!

Well, not quite, I still see the natives I've been imagining.

What natives?

The ones I've been imagining all day.

What natives have you been imagining all day?

Like the one who's about to grab the professor.

Gilligan, you haven't been imagining.

He's real.

Real?

Yow!

Oh! Whoo!

[Yelling]

... ... .

And one of me.

That's against .

If I could only get them outnumbered.

Outnumbered?

Yeah.

Ugh.

[Speaking native language]

[Laughter]

What did they say?

Before they k*ll us,

They plan on taking us to their island

For a formal ceremony.

Oh, did you say formal ceremony?

Yes. Oh, well, then, professor,

You must have exaggerated their brutality.

Nobody who gives a formal

Can be all bad.

Professor, you speak their language.

Can't you talk to them?

Well, ginger, it's not a matter of talking to them.

It's their tribal custom to k*ll all strangers.

Well, let's try being friendly.

Ok. Yes.

What harm can it do?

Yoo-hoo!

It would appear

They don't make friends.

Well, I'm not giving up hope.

Thank you, mary poppins.

Well, but gilligan's still free.

He can rescue us.

Gilligan rescue us?!

He couldn't pick the winner

Of a one-horse race.

I wouldn't put it past him

To walk right up and get himself captured.

Oh, no!

[Grunts]

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm-mm. Nummy-num-num.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

What'd I tell you?

Our hero.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Hi, everybody.

Gilligan, why did you give yourself up?

I got an idea.

Skipper: oh, brother.

I have ideas.

I know.

Well, I thought of that berry juice, which makes you see double,

Makes you see times and times.

And if they drink it...

Yes, then they'd see times as many of us.

And they'll think they're outnumbered.

Professor: it's an excellent plan.

Oh, it is an excellent plan.

I just wish somebody else had thought of it.

Well, what difference does it make who thought of it?

Well, because gilligan's the only one I know

That can snatch defeat right out of the mouth of victory.

Look! They're drinking the potion.

[Grunting]

Now, if it takes as long on them as it took on me...

Yeah, right about now.

[Shouting]

Aaah!

[Screaming]

Oh, gilligan.

Gilligan!

You did it, gilligan! You did it!

And mr. Howell gave me a neat $ bill,

And the professor gave me a neat magnifying glass,

And ginger gave me a neat kiss.

How come she never gives me something good, like a slingshot?

Well, but gilligan, they were giving you

Tokens of appreciation for saving their lives.

Well, they didn't have to do that.

They'd do the same thing for me.

Gilligan, I baked you a banana cream pie.

Oh, that's beautiful.

I can hardly wait to eat it.

Oh, gilligan! Don't drink that!

Gilligan!

You just drank that captibora extract.

I know it. Well?

Now I've got pies.

♪ Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make the best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate and his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In the tropic island nest ♪

No phone... No lights...

♪ No motorcars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪
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