03x12 - The Kidnapper

[bunniefuu]

Skipper: I just can't believe it.

Mrs. Howell has been kidnapped.

What else does the ransom note say?

"Put $ , in tens and twenties in a bag

And take it to the big rock on the north side..."

North? North. Let's see. Which way is north?

North is... No. That's south.

Will you stop that, gilligan! Let me get on with this.

"...on the north side of the island.

You will find a hollow log paces from the rock."

Paces? No. That log is at least paces from that rock.

I've been there, skipper. It couldn't be paces.

He has no sense of direction, that kidnapper.

Will you stop that! He doesn't have to have any sense of direction.

Kidnappers only have to know about kidnapping.

Now stop it and let me finish this.

"Put the money in the log.

"The ransom is to be delivered

"By the one you call the professor

And the skinny one in the sailor hat."

"Skinny one in the sailor hat."

He must mean me.

Well, he certainly doesn't mean me.

"Do this immediately or..."

Wow. A -page ransom note.

Would you be quiet!

"Or you'll never see mrs. Howell again.

You have exactly one hour."

Did he sign it?

Kidnappers don't sign ransom notes.

Well, I've combed the entire area,

And I can't find a single clue.

I don't understand who would kidnap one of us.

Professor, maybe it's some of the natives

In these adjoining islands.

No, no, no. I thought of that.

They wouldn't ask for ransom.

Natives have no use for money.

No. Obviously there's a stranger on the island.

You mean, someone we don't know?

Gilligan, if you knew a stranger, he'd be a friend.

Well, maybe there's a friend on the island we don't know yet.

Would you stop that?

Gentlemen...

Now, gilligan, the kidnapper

Wants you and me to deliver the ransom,

So let's go to mr. Howell, get the money,

And get on our way.

Do I have to?

Well, the ransom note says so.

Ok, professor. I'll go with you.

Gilligan.

First we have to get the money from mr. Howell.

Oh, yeah. Why couldn't it be

The fat one with the captain's hat?

♪ Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day for a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

[Thunder]

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship set ground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

If he touches one hair on her head,

I'll thrash him within an inch of his life. I'll...

, , , , , , , , , ...

-- , . There we are.

The ransom note said

That you should pay it in s and s.

Please. A howell never carries petty cash.

$ , Is an awful lot of money.

A mere pittance.

I'd give every cent in the world I have

To get my lovey back again.

I'd climb the highest mountain,

I'd swim the deepest river,

I'd brave any danger to hold her once more in my arms.

Such devotion.

Are you going to deliver the ransom yourself?

Uh, no, I can't. The mosquitoes are terrible this time of year.

And besides, the note said that--that

Delivered by professor and gilligan.

If you read the fine print, my dear.

I still think the fat one with

The captain's hat should--

Gilligan. All right.

We're ready to leave, mr. Howell.

Is the ransom ready?

Here it is. Farewell, my friend.

Till we meet again.

Here's the rock.

Yeah, and there's the log.

You put the money in the log

As the note says,

And I'll hide back there

And see if I can spot the kidnapper.

Yeah. Ok.

Gilligan. Go.

Yeah. Paces. One...

, , , , ...

, , , , , .

See? I was right.

Better put it in further.

[Grunts]

Uh-oh.

Help! Professor! I'm stuck! Hey, professor!

Professor, I'm stuck!

Gilligan! Stay there.

[Grunts]

Professor, i--

Oh. Help! Professor!

I'm stuck. Hey, professor.

Professor, I'm stuck.

[Grunts]

Professor, i--

Oh, whoa!

Professor, how am I gonna get out of this?

Well, I think it'll take a tree surgeon.

Lovey. Lovey, my pet.

Are you all right?

That scoundrel didn't harm you, did he?

Oh, thurston. Thank goodness you're here.

Oh, what a harrowing experience.

It was horrible. I was afraid for my life,

And I was sure that blindfold would ruin my hairdo.

Well, what did he look like? Can you describe him?

Well, of course not. I was blindfolded every minute.

Oh, you must have suffered terribly.

Oh, I did. I did.

Can you imagine how I felt

Being kidnapped in slacks?

Oh, thurston, all the time,

He was threatening to k*ll me.

k*ll you? Why, that bounder. If i--

She's gone! She's gone!

Mary ann's been kidnapped.

Why, that nasty little copycat.

That's the ransom note.

"I've kidnapped the pretty brunette.

"If you want her alive,

"Have the rich dame and her husband bring $ ,

"To the statue of the old native god

"At the south end of the island.

"Place the money in the mouth of the idol,

And no tricks if you want to see the girl again."

$ , ? I've already given him $ , .

One thing I can't stand-- that's a greedy kidnapper.

Give it to him, darling. After all, it's only money.

Ooh, what you said, lovey. Only money.

All right. The little girl, mary ann,

I can give the money. I--

Well, here's the ransom note.

Just follow the instructions.

Now, you go get the money, dear,

And I'll change into something more appropriate.

Oh, dear. Now, let me see.

What does one wear to deliver ransom?

Lovey: there's the idol.

Yes, good.

We put the ransom money

In the mouth of the idol and return to camp.

Tippytoe, my dear.

Well, it's going to take an agile person with muscles of steel

To climb up and put the money

In the mouth of that idol,

So come on, lovey. I'll give you a boost.

Oh, thurston. I couldn't possibly climb that idol.

But I gave the ransom money. Must I do everything?

Oh, thurston.

All right, dear. Give me a little boost.

I will, darling.

[Grunts]

Lovey... [Grunts]

Watch it, lovey! I'm coming down!

Oof! Darling, are you all right?

Fortunately, I landed on my wallet.

Thurston, darling, do stop pacing.

You're making me nervous.

It's been hours since we paid the ransom,

And mary ann isn't back yet.

$ , , Lovey, right down the drain.

If she isn't back within the hour,

I'm gonna demand a refund.

Oh, mr. And mrs. Howell.

Oh, mary ann, I'm so glad you're back.

Are you all right, dear?

Oh, yes.

Yes, it's good to see you.

The scoundrel didn't harm you, did he?

Oh, no, but it was a terrible experience.

He gagged me. He tied my hands behind my back.

He might even have k*lled me

If you hadn't come up with the ransom money.

Oh, don't mention it, my dear.

After all, it's only money.

Lovey, will you stop saying that?

Oh, but $ , is a lot of money, mr. Howell.

I don't know how to thank you.

Don't you bother, darling.

Someday, I intend to repay every single penny.

Oh, no. You don't need to pay--

Will you let the girl talk, lovey?

Now, what were you saying about paying?

Mr. Howell. Ginger's been kidnapped,

And this time he wants $ , .

$ , ? First -- this fellow's doing a thriving business.

He wants mary ann and me to deliver it.

I must have done a good job the first time,

Because he asked for me again.

Oh, $ , is a lot of money, mr. Howell,

But it is ginger. All right, all right.

Here you are. Here you are.

, , . It's walking-around money.

Get out of here, will you?

Thank you all for rescuing me.

It was the most terrible ordeal of my life.

Well, he tied my hands and feet.

Did he do that to you, too?

Oh, yes, he did.

The first thing I can remember

Was icy fingers as they clamped over my lips,

And then I could feel the cold steel

Of a Kn*fe against my throat,

And then he said, "if you move, you're dead."

I tried to fight, but he was just too powerful for me,

And then I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck,

And he said, "red," he said,

[New york accent] "you're worth , bucks if you're worth a dime."

I struggled and struggled to be free,

And all the while, he had this crazy kind of a laugh.

"Heh heh heh heh heh heh." He just kept laughing.

"Heh heh heh heh heh."

"Heh heh heh heh heh."

Well, that's funny. He didn't laugh

When he kidnapped me. Me, either.

Me, either, but it sounded so dramatic,

I thought I'd get in a little practice.

Oh. Oh, ginger.

Oh, ginger.

Well, the important thing is that you're back.

And these infernal kidnappings are over.

But they're not over.

He said that he's going to come back

And kidnap everybody else, too,

And then start over again.

Boy, you could make a fortune

Just selling him rope.

Well, obviously, we just can't stand around here

And wait to be kidnapped.

What can we do?

We'll outsmart him. I've got a plan.

Now, listen. This is what we're going to do.

Professor, this is really a neat trap.

Well, thank you, skipper.

It's a standard technique in hunting tigers.

You see, first you camouflage a noose.

Then you tie a goat to a stake as bait.

When the tiger tries to take the bait,

He steps into the noose, trips the trap,

And is catapulted up into the air.

We don't have a goat. What are you gonna use for bait?

Heh. See you later.

Oh, no, gilligan.

You have nothing to fear, little buddy.

We're gonna be hiding in the jungle.

All you have to do is sit on the log

With your back to the trap.

That's right, and when the kidnapper sees you,

He'll come out of the jungle

And sneak right up behind you.

Well, that's a great idea,

And it will work, except for one thing.

Oh, what's that?

I'm getting out of here.

Gilligan, he'll never get near you.

The minute he puts his foot in this noose,

We have him.

You sure it's gonna work?

I give you my word.

Ok, ok, but if I get k*lled,

I'm not talking to either one of you two as long as I live.

Come on, professor.

Let's go hide in the jungle.

Professor. Skipper. Help! Help!

Help!

Professor, professor, light the torch. Light the torch.

Professor! Professor!

Gilligan. Gilligan.

Professor. Where's the kidnapper?

I--i-- I knew it was a dumb idea, professor.

Well, where's the skipper?

The kidnapper got him.

Oh, no, no. The skipper has got the kidnapper.

Skipper, you got him!

You bet your life, I have.

Now, let's get him back to camp.

Yeah, let's get him back to camp.

Hey, professor? Hey, skipper? Hey, somebody?

Hey. Hey, somebody! Professor! Skipper!

But kidnapping is such a terrible crime.

Whatever made you do it?

It's a hobby.

And you thought my hobby was crazy.

I only collect seashells. He collects people.

Don't you even realize you're committing a crime?

I know, but I can't stop.

Whenever I know there's money around, I get an itch.

That's why I left civilization--

To go someplace where there's no money,

And I wouldn't be tempted.

Then I saw you people, and the itch came back.

You don't know how I suffer. It's a disease.

The poor man is sick.

Only an idiot would believe that.

He does.

That proves my point.

This is an uncharted island.

How did you find it?

I got caught in a storm,

And my boat got washed up on the beach.

Wait a minute. You have a boat? Is it navigable?

Never mind that. Can it sail?

I think so, but the propeller got bent,

But it could be fixed.

Skipper, do you realize what this means?

I certainly do, professor.

It means we can get back to civilization.

Where is the boat?

Uh, on the beach, on the other side of the lagoon.

Skipper, we'd better get down there

And see if it's seaworthy.

Right. Now, the professor and I will check the boat.

You go back and tell the girls and the howells the good news.

Oh, boy.

What good news?

About the boat.

Oh, yeah.

And furthermore, when we get back to the mainland,

I'm going to see that you are severely punished.

I said I was sorry.

Well, it's too late for that now.

You're a mean, nasty, vicious man.

I know, and I hate myself for it.

But if I had known you were such a nice lady,

I never would have snatched you.

You're one of the nicest dames I've ever kidnapped.

Why, you're even nicer than mrs. Vandemere.

Vandemere. Do you mean melissa vandemere?

Yeah, that's the name. You know her?

We're sorority sisters.

I snatched her in .

Oh, isn't it a small world?

Her husband paid , bucks for her, you know.

$ , ? You only asked , for me.

How degrading. A howell is worth

More than a vandemere any day of the week.

Don't breathe a word of this to anyone.

I could never live it down.

You put me in a most embarrassing position.

Uh, I'm sorry. I know I should have asked for more,

But if she's worth , ,

You're worth at least .

You're my idea of class.

Oh, thank you.

It's very sweet of you to say that.

Oh, uh, thurston? Do you think

We could give mr. Wiley another $ , ?

Now, lovey, you mustn't be taken in

By this--this-- this rascal.

And you, sir? You're the kind of guy I always wanted to be:

Rich and powerful, captain of industry,

And yet never too busy to give of yourself

So others could share in your good fortune.

You know, this man has a keen insight into human behavior.

You, sir, are a man amongst men.

I've been to every doctor and none of them can help me.

You know, something keeps pushing me towards crime.

You can't help it you have a disease.

Gilligan, stop wasting your time

Talking to him, and come over and help

The professor and me fix the boat.

In a minute, skipper.

Mr. Wiley was telling me about his disease.

Oh, that again? Don't listen to what this crook says

With all that scuttlebutt and all that sort of--

Hey, you don't know how lucky you are to be healthy.

I'd give anything to be like you:

Big, strong, good-looking, and honest.

I'll bet your wife's proud of you.

Well, I'm not married.

You ain't? A good-looking guy like you?

I bet the dames go nuts for you.

Well, I do have to fight them off, a little.

Ha ha. A little. What modesty.

You know, if I was a dame,

I couldn't resist you.

I could.

You stay out of this.

Now, what were you saying, mr. Wiley?

No, I'm sorry. But I think he should remain in jail,

And when we get home, he should be turned over to the police.

But he's really very nice.

Oh, he is. He really is.

He can't help it if he has a disease.

He's real sorry

About all his kidnappings, professor.

And if he hadn't come to the island,

We wouldn't have a boat.

But I think I know the criminal mind,

And believe me, it's very difficult

To reform a hardened criminal.

Well, I once played a psychiatrist in a movie,

And I reformed a criminal.

Just by talking to him, I found out why he turned to crime.

Ginger, that happens more often in the movies

Than it does in real life.

Oh, professor, please let me talk to mr. Wiley.

I'll find out what kind of a person he really is,

What makes him tick.

Now, you just relax and tell me about yourself.

Why do you hate your father?

I keep trying to tell you. I don't hate him.

He's a sweetheart of a guy.

Now, how can I help you if you won't confide in me?

Now, tell me about your childhood.

It was terrible. We was very poor.

My father, he didn't have a job,

And we didn't have any food or clothing or furniture.

Oh. Did you live in the slums?

No. That was for the rich people.

What did you and your family do

For entertainment?

We used to sit around and watch each other get skinny.

Oh, how about your friends?

Did you play with other boys?

Yeah. We used to play, but not football or baseball.

We used to play cops and robbers,

And I was always the cop, never the good guy.

The cop is the good guy.

Not in our neighborhood.

You know, I once went out with a fellow

Who was a safecracker,

But I didn't know it at the time, of course.

How did you find out?

Well, when he gave me his telephone number,

He said it was "right, , left, , and back to zero."

[Both laugh]

You know, miss grant,

You're really a good joe. "Right, ."

So, you see, he's a victim

Of his environment.

Ever since he's been a child,

He's been surrounded by crime.

And it's up to us

To welcome him back to society,

Give him a chance

To prove himself again.

Besides, he thinks

We're both beautiful.

But, ginger, I don't believe that--

Oh, professor, she's right.

We have to help him help himself.

But you see, girls, I really don't--

Oh, professor. Do it for me.

And for me.

All right. All right. I'll let him out.

Hey, folks. The propeller's all fixed,

And we can leave the first thing in the morning.

Yeah, it works just great. Watch.

Gilligan, come back here with that!

Bring it back!

[Crash]

All right, mr. Wiley. You can come out now.

Thank you. You won't be sorry.

From now on, I'm turning over a new leaf.

You'll be glad you gave me this chance.

Welcome to our family, mr. Wiley.

Tonight, mr. And mrs. Howell

Are giving you a "welcome back to society" party.

That's nice of them people.

Come on. Let's get ready for the party.

I just hope I remember where I hid the money.

[Dance music playing]

Are you happy, mr. Wiley?

I ain't never been happier.

It sure is swell to be wanted by nice people.

Thanks for having faith in me.

We're glad we were able to help you.

Mary ann, do you want to dance?

Oh, thank you very much, gilligan,

But I promised the next dance to mr. Wiley.

Huh? Uh...

Mr. Wiley?

Oh, yeah. Dance.

Oh, you dance beautifully, mr. Wiley.

Thanks.

Uh, change partners?

Well, of course. Do you mind, lovey, my dear?

Oh, not at all. I'd love to dance with mr. Wiley.

Shall we, my dear?

It's so nice to know you've given up your life of crime.

I owe it all to you wonderful people.

You do dance so well, mr. Wiley.

I can tell you love it.

It's so exciting.

I liked you best in your last movie, moon over the mohawk.

It wasn't the title.

It was the story of an indian astronaut.

It was called, mohawk over the moon.

Yeah. That was the picture.

Yeah.

You were just gorgeous.

You wore your hair up, didn't you?

That's right. How sweet of you to remember.

Just gorgeous.

Thank you.

Yeah. You're just gorgeous.

Thank you, my dear, for the dance. It was--

Uh, let--let me, mr. Howell.

Well, that's very decent of you, my good man.

Thank you.

Mr. Wiley? Quiet folks, please.

I think mr. Wiley would like to say a few words.

Here, here.

Jolly good.

Thanks, skipper.

I want you all to know how grateful I am.

This is the first time anybody's ever given me a break.

I'm all--i'm all choked up.

Uh, I don't know if I can go on.

Listen,

You'll have to excuse me.

I'd like to be alone to think of my good fortune.

We understand.

Thanks, folks.

Well, I don't know about the rest of you,

But I feel very good inside.

Yes, i--i guess I was wrong about him.

It does prove that there's good in all of us,

Doesn't it?

I guess I'm just an old softie,

But I feel all choked up. I feel--i--i--

My neck--my necklace! It's gone!

Heavens to tiffany, it is!

Ginger, your earrings.

They're gone!

My watch is missing.

And my wallet is gone.

And my pocketknife.

Wiley. That wiley did this.

[Motor whirrs]

There's a motor. He's getting away!

We've got to stop him!

Why, that dirty crook.

He stole my solid gold suspenders!

Oh, no. He's too far away.

We'll never catch him.

Oh, mr. Wiley, come back. You promised.

Professor: oh, there goes our chance

To get off the island.

Hey, there was a note

Back there in the tree.

Ooh, let me see. I need some light.

Wait a minute. Here's my lighter. It's-- he took that, too.

I got some matches. Wait a minute.

Good. What does it say?

"My dear folks, sorry to disappoint you,

"But the strain of going straight was too much.

"It was making a nervous wreck of me,

And I know you wouldn't want me to get sick. Wiley."

So you see, it's not so easy

To reform a hardened criminal in real life.

Come to think of it, that's the way it ended in the movie, too.

♪ Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make the best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate and his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In the tropic island nest ♪

No phone... No lights...

♪ No motorcars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪