03x13 - And Then There Were None

[bunniefuu]

Then we have to hang up this wet wash

And take down the dry wash--

Oh! Gilligan, look!

Yeah, I've heard of tattletale gray,

But that's ridiculous.

Oh. Those knots must have slipped.

Oh, here, help me hang it back up, will you?

Take that end of the rope and hang it

To the tree over there.

I'll tie this end over here.

You don't have to worry about this falling down

After I tie it off, mary ann.

Us sailors know how to tie knots--

Great big square knots

And medium-sized round knots

And itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny

Japanese-y transistor knots.

Oh!

[Thud]

Mary ann?

Mary ann!

Mary ann!

Mary ann!

She's disappeared. Mary ann!

I've got to tell skipper.

Skipper! Professor! Mary ann's disappeared!

Skipper! Professor!

♪ Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day for a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

[Thunder]

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship's aground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

Here you are, professor.

That should fix it for a while.

Hey, skipper!

Skipper! Skipper! Professor!

You got to do something.

You got to do something fast.

Mary ann disappeared.

Mary ann has disappeared?

Are you sure, gilligan? Yeah.

Well, tell us your story from the beginning.

My story? All right.

It all began one rainy night

In a small town in pennsylvania.

A doctor came out and said to my father,

"Sir, your wife just had a baby."

Gilligan, will you stop yapping about that

And tell us about mary ann?

Oh, yeah, well, mary ann and I were hanging up the wash,

And I was telling her about the knots I make.

You know, the great big square knots,

And the little, medium-sized round knots,

And the itsy-bitsy japanese-y--

We better check. She may have met with an accident.

Right. Come on.

Skipper: mary ann!

Mary ann!

Professor, I think mary ann has really disappeared.

I can't find a sign of her anywhere.

There's no doubt about it, skipper. Fallen clothesline,

And the abandoned laundry basket

Indicate she didn't go willingly.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid mary ann's been abducted.

Abducted?!

Oh, no! Not mary ann?!

Not sweet, wonderful mary ann?!

Oh, no! What's abducted?

Natives from some nearby island

Must have landed here and captured her.

Natives?! We got to save her!

Well, setting mary ann free

Won't be that simple. Don't forget, skipper,

Natives in these latitudes are headhunters.

I don't care what the natives are in this--

Headhunters?!

Headhunters?! Ick.

Professor: please, quiet, everybody, please.

Now, I'm sure you all appreciate

The seriousness of the situation,

But I'm afraid that headhunters

Have moved onto the island,

And you know what that means.

Property values go down like a sh*t.

It's a lot worse than that, mr. Howell.

You bet. Those natives are probably out there

Watching everything we're doing right now.

Poo! And I'm wearing last year's outfit.

Don't worry, mrs. Howell. They don't want your dress.

They want your head.

[Screams]

Don't panic.

Now, we've got to find the headhunters' camp

And set mary ann free

Before they do something terrible.

Now, skipper? Yes, professor?

We'll fan out and search the island.

You take ginger and gilligan.

Mr. And mrs. Howell will come with me.

Professor? Yes?

What if the headhunters see us

Before we rescue mary ann?

Well, that's a chance we'll have to take.

Yes, we'll just have to be real careful, ginger.

Now, you two wait here.

I'll check the trail up ahead.

I mean, if there are headhunters nearby,

We don't want to give ourselves away.

We hear and obey. Professor,

Let me tell you something.

On the wall street of bravery,

Your courage has just risen points.

Darling, I wish you wouldn't be so bold.

That fine howell head would look wonderful

Over some native's dingy mantle.

Fear not, my dear.

This is not an ordinary walking stick.

Darling, how intrepid of you.

You brought your sword cane.

Madam, my blade is at your service.

Let one of those beggars draw near and I shall--

[Pop]

What is it, darling?

Oh, no, I brought the wrong cane.

Oh, well.

Cheers.

[Whispering] hold it here now.

I'm going out and scout ahead

To make sure that we're not being watched.

I better go with you.

It's not safe to be out there alone.

Gilligan, if you go with me,

Then ginger'll be alone.

Yeah, she better come along with us.

Now, look, you two,

I want you to stay here, and that's an order.

Yeah, but, skipper, skipper,

If you go out there all by yourself--

Gilligan, gilligan, can I say words?

Yeah. Let go!

Now, don't worry, ginger,

You'll be safe with me because i-i'm brave--

[Bird screeches]

What was that?

It was a bird.

Oh, that's a relief.

I thought for a minute it might be--

[Monkey chatters] what was that?

Gilligan, it was a monkey.

There's all kinds of strange sounds in the jungle.

[Rapid knocking]

What's that strange sound?

It's your knees knocking together.

Oh, oh, yeah.

[Whispering] gilligan.

What was that?

The skipper.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

I better go see what he wants.

Maybe he found the headhunters.

Headhunters?

You sure you'll be safe here by yourself?

Of course, I am, gilligan.

Now, just be calm. Don't lose your head.

Huh?

I mean-- never mind.

You were right the first time.

[Yelling] what is it, skipper?

Shh!

[Whispering] will you two be quiet back there?

You're making too much noise.

Ok, I'll tell ginger. That's better.

[Yelling] hey, ginger, keep it down--

[Whispering] quiet.

I think I saw something.

[Thunk]

[Ginger screams]

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

I can't stand it!

I can't stand it!

What are we doing here?!

Why are we sitting around this hut?

Tell me why? Why? Why?

Because the headhunters are out there.

I'll buy that.

We'll be hunted down like frightened little minks.

Gilligan: rabbits.

Please.

I've got it.

I don't know why I didn't see it sooner.

It's the only possible answer.

What's the question?

Well, the question is, with all of us to choose from,

Why did the headhunters

Choose mary ann and ginger?

Because the headhunters are boys.

Gilligan, will you stop that.

No, wait a minute, skipper.

Gilligan may be right.

Perhaps the headhunters

Came to the island looking for brides.

It's a good idea.

And the headhunters may have chosen

Ginger and mary ann as brides.

And the only other woman on the island is...

Congratulations, mrs. Howell.

Oh, no, thurston. Don't let them take me!

Don't let them take me!

But don't you see? This is a great opportunity.

We could use mrs. Howell as bait.

Sir, you're speaking of the trust fund I love.

But you don't understand.

Mrs. Howell could lead us directly to their camp.

Why, certainly.

We could let them take mrs. Howell,

And they'd lead us right into the camp.

Exactly, and then we sneak into camp,

Release the girls, and hide out

Until the headhunters leave the island.

Yeah, but isn't that very dangerous

For poor mrs. Howell?

Oh, no.

Not for poor mrs. Howell.

[Falsetto voice] oh, how I do hate

Being out in the jungle all alone.

I said, how I hate being out here...

All alone...

By myself.

One rich lady with pearls...

To go.

Come make me an offer.

Do I hear one headhunter?

Do I hear ?

Hey, skipper, professor, it's not gonna work.

Hey!

[Gasps]

Human bushes are attacking me!

Gilligan-- talking, human bushes--

Gilligan! It's me, the skipper.

Yes, we're camouflaged

So the headhunters won't get suspicious.

It's no use anyway.

Those headhunters figured out I'm not mrs. Howell.

Hey, maybe I should have worn a girdle, huh?

Oh, gilligan, it's not your fault.

No, these headhunters are smarter

Than we thought they were.

Well, we won't accomplish anything standing around here.

Let's get the howells and get back to camp.

All right, professor.

Mr. And mrs. Howell, you can come in now.

Mr. And mrs. Howell?

Mr. Howell: get me out of here!

Get me out of here!

Oh! Oh, help!

Help! Help! Here, I'll help you, mr. Howell.

Yes, i--i can't see.

I must have my knothole on backwards.

Oh, thank heavens.

Those termites were getting to me.

Where's mrs. Howell? Wha-what? Mrs. Howell?

She was right--right-- right beside me.

Well, you better check, skipper.

You certainly had better check.

We were right by that rock.

Side by side in our his and her tree trunks.

Of course, hers had the décolletage

Very low with the-- mine was a narrow--

Mr. Howell! Mr. Howell!

I found the tree trunk,

But mrs. Howell wasn't in it.

Heavens, they've got mrs. Howell!

We'd better get down to the lagoon.

They've probably taken her down there,

And they'll be out to sea. Come on! Come on!

Don't worry, lovey. I'm coming!

We're too late. They're gone.

Skipper, do you notice anything unusual about the lagoon?

No, professor. It looks the same to me.

Well, that's exactly what's wrong.

Do you see the headhunters' canoe anywhere?

Mr. Howell: now, what does that mean?

Well, it's simple, deductive reasoning.

Obviously, I was wrong.

There never were any headhunters on the island.

Both: no headhunters?

What are you talking about? What are you saying?

But if there are no headhunters...

Skipper: what happened to the girls?

Well, I hate to say it,

But there are the of us.

Us?

The emotional strain of living on the island

Is a powerful force.

You mean, one of us has cracked under the strain?

Well, it's entirely possible.

You see, without realizing it,

That person could be changed

From a trusted friend into a merciless fiend.

That person could be responsible

For what happened to the women.

One of us may have become

A dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde.

Then one of us is not what he seems to be.

Well, don't look at me.

Skipper?

Yes? What is it, little buddy?

It couldn't be true that one of us

Got rid of the girls, could it?

Of course not, gilligan.

Now, will you stop thinking about that and just go to sleep?

The professor will think of something.

Yeah. The professor will think of something.

Certainly.

How could one of us grab the girls

Like ginger, mary ann, and mrs. Howell?

I mean, who was alone with all of them?

Exactly right, gilligan.

Nobody was alone with each and every one of them.

Now please go to sleep.

I was alone with mary ann.

I was with you and ginger.

Yeah, that's right.

Except you went up ahead,

And I was alone with her.

But you weren't alone with mrs. Howell.

That's right. I wasn't alone with mrs. Howell.

Except when I was with her

And she picked out the dress,

I was alone with her then.

Oh, skipper. I couldn't help it,

Skipper, I couldn't help it, skipper.

I'm turning into mr. Hyde, skipper.

I'm turning into mr. Hyde.

Will you stop talking like that, gilligan?

Supposing that you were alone

With mary ann, ginger, and mrs. Howell,

It doesn't prove that you're guilty.

It doesn't prove I'm innocent.

Maybe it's just a coincidence, that's all.

Oh, sure. Coincidence.

Why, certainly.

Sure. Just being alone with them.

That's right. Now go to sleep.

It'll take more than that to prove to me

That jekyll and hyde business.

That's right.

Good night, skipper.

Good night, little buddy.

There, mr. Howell.

Look. The laundry,

Just where mary ann left it.

But I saw it before. How dare you drag me out of my bed

To show me wet wash again!

Well, I had to bring somebody along.

I may have to prove my theory.

Theory? What theory?

Do you know what he's talking about, teddy?

It's very simple.

Each one of us has crossed this area today--

Mary ann, ginger, and your wife included.

Just another patch of crabgrass in this tacky jungle.

But it's the only thing the disappearances have in common.

They all occurred near this very spot.

Come on. Let's have a close look 'round.

What are you looking for?

Well, I'm not sure, but I'll let you know when I find it.

Mr. Howell: oh, you found it!

Gilligan!

Gilligan, little buddy! Gilligan!

Wake up! Wake up!

Mr. Howell and the professor have disappeared.

We've gotta find them. Come on.

Skipper, I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

I know you didn't do it. Come on.

I'm telling the truth. I'm not a mr. Hyde.

Come on, will you move!

I didn't do it! I'm not a mr. Hyde! Skipper!

Look.

Mr. Howell's teddy bear.

He had it with him when he went to bed last night.

Well, if I did it, I didn't mean to do it.

I don't remember turning into mr. Hyde.

I don't remember anything at all like that.

Will you stop yapping and start searching?

You look over there, and I'll look around here.

Mrs. Howell's brooch.

That's brooch.

Mrs. Howell.

Girls.

The professor and mr. Howell.

There's your teddy bear.

You're all here and you're all right.

The question is, where's here?

The professor says it's an old japanese munitions pit.

It must have been built during the w*r.

Yes. Apparently there's a trapdoor up there

That works on a spring.

And when each of us walked on it--boom.

Oh, my poor little buddy.

He thinks that he turned into mr. Hyde and k*lled us all.

Hey, skipper!

Professor! Mary ann!

[Muffled shouting] gilligan! Get us out of here!

That's the skipper and the professor and...

Mary ann and ginger and the howells.

They've come back to haunt me.

Oh, no.

All my friends, I've... I've finished them off.

Yesterday and last night,

And I k*lled the skipper for breakfast.

The professor was right-- I'm a fiend.

I'm a dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde.

I've k*lled them all.

I'm a dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde.

Oh, no!

I'm dr. Hekyll... And mr. Hyde.

Dr. Hekyll and--

Oyez! Oyez!

Her majesty's court is now in session.

The case of the crown vs. Dr. Gilligan.

[Hubbub from crowd]

[Crowd boos]

[British accent] sticks and stones...

[Sniff]

May break my bones,

But, please, don't throw sticks or stones.

Please. Please, don't throw sticks or stones.

Come on, you, get along.

There's someone waitin' here to see you.

Aah!

None of that now.

Here, missy, what is it you want

With the likes of a terrible criminal like him?

[Cockney accent] ah, I'm just a poor cockney flower girl.

That's what I am,

But I owes everything to dr. Gilligan here.

He taught me to walk and to talk

And to dress like a regular lady.

He give me real class, he did.

[Honk]

He did that to you?

Yeah. He did. [Honk]

You beast.

Oh! Don't pay him no mind, dr. Gilligan.

I believes in ya.

I believes you're innocent.

Alas. You're the only one.

Everyone else believes I'm guilty.

No barrister will take my case.

I shall go to the gallows an innocent lamb.

Innocent! Innocent! Innocent!

And besides, not guilty!

Bravo! Bravo!

I've got good news.

I found someone to take your case.

A barrister that will take my case?

Oh, gadzooks and goody gumdrops!

But where is my defense counsel?

There.

You're putting me on.

♪ La-la ♪

♪ La-la la la-la la la la ♪

♪ La-la la la-la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la-la la-la la ♪

Don't worry, dr. Gilligan.

I shall defend you.

I am mary puffins,

Defense attorney and registered nanny.

Bailiff: order in the court!

The trial is now in session.

His honor--

Judge lord anthony armstrong hanging.

All rise.

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the jury,

Friends and relatives,

The case before us is one of crime and m*rder.

Therefore, I must caution you to withhold judgment

Until all the facts are in.

Therefore, we must assume that dr. Gilligan

Is innocent until proven guilty.

Where is the filthy k*ller?

The filthy k*ller is right here, your honor.

I object, I object.

I most strenuously object.

You can't object to me.

I can. You can't.

I can. You can't.

Drat. She has as many can'ts as I have cans.

Mr. Howell: order! Order! We must proceed.

Will the prosecution step forward

For the opening remarks?

Prosecution, step forward.

Who is the prosecuting barrister?

There he is now.

He looks mean.

Nonsense. He's a very fair man.

He would never allow his personal feelings

To influence his case.

Good.

Are you dr. Gilligan?

Yes.

Take that, you swine.

I say, I'm glad he's fair.

Milord, may it please the court,

Prosecution intends to prove

Beyond a shadow of a doubt

That dr. Gilligan is guilty--

Guilty on all counts.

So don't be misled by his appearances.

Look at him sitting there--

Frankenstein, bluebeard, and jack the ripper

All rolled up into one.

Eh! Don't you worry none, dr. Gilligan.

I'll stand by ya.

Just a poor cockney flower girl, that's what I am.

But I owes everything to you.

You taught me how to walk and to talk

And to dress like a regular lady.

You give me real class, you did. [Honk]

I'll stand by you always.

Mr. Howell: order, order order in the court!

I shall now present positive evidence

To support my allegation, uncle tony--

I mean, milord.

I have an eyewitness who will testify

That dr. Gilligan is, in fact, mr. Hyde.

Bailiff, call forth the eyewitness.

Bring out the eyewitness.

Bring out the eyewitness.

What am I saying?

Ah, yes. This, milord, is the lady in red,

A woman who is a good friend of dr. Gilligan's

When he is mr. Hyde.

Lies! Lies! I never saw that woman before.

Then you've missed plenty, buster.

All right. Tell the story in your own words, my dear,

And I'll see you right after the hanging.

I think I love you.

All right, sugar baby.

But first, let me say that he is mr. Hyde.

He's dr. Gilligan until he sees food.

The minute he sees food, he goes wild and becomes a madman.

He becomes mr. Hyde.

Now...let's talk about us.

Lies, lies, lies.

Unmitigated balderdash and poppycock.

Ooh, did you tell a fib!

I didn't either. Did too, did too.

Didn't either. Didn't either.

Order, order, order!

Let's get the truth of this matter.

Dr. Gilligan,

You may cross-examine the lady in red.

Let me know if he gets fresh.

Very well. I shall make her tell the truth.

Now then, lady in red,

You claim that food turns sweet and simple me

Into mean and rotten mr. Hyde, is that correct?

It certainly is.

Even the mere mention of food changes you.

He starts turning into mr. Hyde

If somebody yells "fresh fish."

That's ridiculous.

That is, without a doubt,

The dumbest thing I have ever heard of.

You mean to say he changes into mr. Hyde

If someone yells "fresh fish"?

Absolutely. Watch.

Fresh fish!

[Clunk]

You see? A lie.

Don't worry.

You're marvelous.

I know.

You'll love this next one.

Anchovy pizza

With peanut butter pepperoni.

No. Don't say that.

Chocolate sundae. Ham and swiss.

No...

Chop suey, dixie style.

Chop suey, dixie style.

Prune danish.

Triple-decker hamburger.

No. No!

Hot cheese sandwich.

Clams casino.

Banana split, hold the mustard.

A leg of lamb.

Breast of chicken.

And last, but not least,

Roast turkey stuffed with a -pound wedge

Of mama marolli's mozzarella.

[Growling] food!

Ah!

[All shouting at once]

Let me go!

Let me go!

Unh...unh...

I was dreaming.

[Muffled shouting] gilligan!

Get us out!

Gilligan! Gilligan!

They're haunting me.

I hear voices. They're haunting me.

I gotta get away from them.

Gilligan! Gilligan! Gilligan!

No! No!

Gilligan! The rope,

Why, it's holding the trap door open.

I didn't k*ll you.

No, you didn't k*ll us.

Little buddy, you just saved us.

Gilligan had this wild dream

Where he turned into a dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde.

And you'll never guess what turned him into a monster.

Food.

You'll never guess. It's--

It was food. How'd you happen to guess that?

Gilligan told me about his dream.

It was very vivid the way he described it.

Boy, I'll say.

Have you ever heard of anything so silly

As someone turning into a monster

When you yell "fresh fish"

Or "ham and swiss" or "stuffed cabbage."

Or chop suey, dixie style.

Did I hear someone say food?

Aah! Aah!

Monster! Aah!

Thanks, girls.

Oh, gilligan. Gilligan.

♪ Now this is a tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make the best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate and his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In their tropic island nest ♪

♪ No phone, no light ♪

♪ No motorcars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪