03x30 - Gilligan, the Goddess

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Gilligan's Island". Aired: September 26, 1964 – April 17, 1967.
Series follows the comic adventures of seven castaways as they try to survive on an island where they are shipwrecked.
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03x30 - Gilligan, the Goddess

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day for a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪


♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship set ground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

What do they think this is, a freeway?





Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, can't a man have a little peace around here? A little nap?

Eh...huna huna zuwama.

Lay a hand on me, and I'll take this -iron

And wrap it around your head.

No. We come in peace.

Oh. Sort of a primitive peace corps.

Well...my name is thurston howell iii.

What exactly is yours?

I am king kaliwani, emperor of eternal night...

Knight of eternal day...

Seeker of eternal truth...

And lord of eternal eternities.

Uh, oh, yes-- keeper of eternal flame.

Oh, a gas tycoon.

Well, I always like to do business with the chairman of the board.

Ans guwamo.

I'll come right to the point.

Can you rescue us and take us back to civilization

And what exactly will it cost me?

Must find white goddess winomi.

Yes, well, of course.

We'll discuss the scavenger hunt a little later.

Now, if you rescue us, would you say a fair price would be...

Uh--uh--uh, $ , ?

No talk rescue!

I'll talk louder.

Would you believe $ , ?

Legend say that on th moon,

White goddess winomi will be found on island to west.

I know you. Changing the subject,

Driving a hard bargain.

Well, I can be pushed so far.

$ , , And that is my final offer!

Halo yama ikwala.

Halo halo dewama.

Soon time for new year feast.

Must find goddess winomi.

Well, let's settle this white goddess business.

Where exactly, pray tell, do we find her?

Already find .

Problem is only need one.

Oh, you mean ginger or mary ann!

Now if one of them is the white goddess, you'll rescue us?


Oh, joy! I just saved $ , !

Thurston, look at these marvelous blooms.

Don't they-- [gasping]

Oh, who are these persons?

And what are they doing down there?

Lovey, I'd like you to meet his majesty, king kaliwani.


Emperor of eternal night,

Knight of eternal day, seeker of--

No need to go through all that again.

He's really a king.

Oh, thurston, royalty!

Wait till he stands up. He's really king-sized.

Oh, please, please, your majesty, do stand up.

Oh, this is truly island of white goddess.

Thurston, did you hear that?

What a charming thing for him to say.

I wonder if he knows grace and prince ranier?

It is indeed an honor, your majesty.

May I extend to you the hospitality of our little island?


I got 'em! I got 'em! Tie 'em up! Tie 'em up!

Gilligan, you dunce! You've done it again!

These savages are civilized!


This is, unforgivable, your majesty.

What an implausible breach of protocol!

Here, the rear escape hatch.

Get me out of here!

What's this outrigger doing here?

If I'm not mistaken,

It's the handiwork of the primitive papuan tribe.

Oh, I had no idea we were so near their island.

But, professor, if they're so primitive,

How did they get this?

It means they must have contact with civilization.

Must have eternal flame!

Your highness... Eh?

Is this your lighter?

Ah! You find eternal flame.

Some cheapo eternal flame.

You like to join eternal ancestor?

That's a very fine lighter you have there, your highness.

Would you mind telling me where you got it?

Sometime, ship come.

Captain give me eternal flame...

Plus one can eternal lighting fluid.

You mean, ships land on your island?

Sometime. Got no time for talk now.

Must start f*re dance!

You care to dance?

Uh, no, thank you. I'm a waltz man myself.


You, care to dance?

No, I don't think so.

You dance!

Come to think of it, I do need the practice.

♪ Ah oom ba da da ♪

♪ Ooba ooba ooba... ♪

Oh, of course I'll be their little white goddess

If it means a chance of getting off this silly island.

Oh, lovey, we knew you'd cooperate.

Darling, after all, I've had so much experience.

You remember at college, I was queen of the prune bowl parade?

Uh, pitted prune, of course.

Oh, you'll make a lovely white goddess!

Oh, thank you, dear.

Are you ready for this?

Guess who thinks she's a goddess?

Would I be too far off if I guessed mrs. Howell?

When I think of some women's ego, it just makes me sick.

I mean, after all, who'd make a better goddess than me?

Well, uh, now that you've brought it up,

I could think of just one other person.

Who? Me.

You? Well, you're too short.

Well, goddesses don't have to be tall.

Why, they just have to be...like goddesses.

I'm surrounded by egomaniacs.

♪ Oom ba da da ♪

♪ Da da ooga ooga ♪

Gods fail us.

No give sign.

No tell us which is true goddess.

We dance some more.

No, no. Let's catch our breath before we ask again.

King, I have good news!

Behold your white goddess!

This is the most thrilling moment of my life.

Skipper: your majesty...

Here is your goddess.

Mine is the original.

Professor: your highness!

Guess what I've found.

Eh, don't tell me.

Your goddess... Winomi!

Huh. Looks like we all came off the same rack.

What we do now?

Why don't you try eeny meeny miney moe?

Good idea!

Eeny meeny miney moe,

Catch 'em goddess by 'em toe,

Soon to island back we go,

Eeny meeny miney...moe!

Native: the gods have spoken!

Now I've seen everything. You a goddess?

Well, I'm most capable of coping

With the protocol involved.

You see, I was presented at the court of st. James.

Not to mention prune queen.

Pitted prune queen.

I think this whole contest is fixed.

And I know by whom!

What I wanna know is by how much!

I've had enough.

More than enough.

Girls, remember the big picture.

We're going to be rescued.

Sore losers.

You make volcano god very happy.

Volcano god?

At end of ceremony, you marry volcano.

Hey, skipper, I never knew volcanoes could get married.

Big honor for goddess winomi.

To be thrown into a volcano?

No man is going to throw my wife into a volcano!

Wife? She your wife?

Yes! I'm very honored.

Uhh...too bad. Goddess winomi must be maiden.

Girl with mate cannot be bride to volcano.

Thurston, thank you for being my mate!

Heh heh. Yes, darling.

Must find one from other .

You mean ginger or mary ann?

I choose.

Oh, no. Wait a minute, king.

Look, we don't like your rules, so the game is over.

Over? That's right.

We'd like to get you a white goddess, but you play too rough.

I'm sorry. This store is closed. Try another market.

Nice going, little buddy.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Last word?


We go.

[Snaps fingers]

Perhaps it was a shallow volcano.

Oh, thurston!

But we were gonna be rescued if you'd just...

Say, you know, those natives took it better

Than I thought they would.

I wonder where they went.

I don't know. [Gasps]

Must have white goddess by sundown!

They've got poisonous g*n!

Now I know what they went for.

One of your woman must go, or take by force!

Poison or no poison,

You're gonna get one of our girls over our d*ad bodies!

He's so impetuous.

Skipper...can we lay down now?

I'm all for jumping 'em.

There's only of them, and there's of us.

Use your head, skipper.

Just one poison dart,

And it would be against .

Yeah, and another poison dart,

Against ,

And another poison dart, against one,

And another poison dart--

Gilligan! None.

There must be some way of doing this

Without anyone getting hurt,

Especially a howell.

The only way to do that is to give them a white goddess.

Well, they're not getting one of our girls.

Maybe they'd settle for a girl gorilla or something.

Oh, that's the most ridiculous thing--

Now wait. Wait a minute.

Perhaps we can trick them.

Perhaps one of us could dress as--

A gorilla?

No, no, no, as a woman.

Did I hear you right? Why not?

One of us could dress as a woman and volunteer to go with them.

Yeah, and get thrown in the volcano.

Of course not. The rest of the men could follow in a raft

And keep watch at a safe distance.

Oh, and keep checking on any visiting ships

That might be at their island.

Now, wait a minute. Look around the table.

Do you think any one of us could pass as a white goddess?

Do you have a better idea?

Well, of course! What is it?

I haven't thought of anything yet.

Do you need any help?

Skipper: no, thank you, ginger.

I'm afraid I just k*lled your living girdle.

Come on out. Let me have a look at you.

Turn around.

Well, what do you think?

Well, uh... You've got nothing to worry about

If they throw you in the volcano.

I don't?

No. It would throw you right back.

Take a deep breath. Now hold still,

Or I'll catch you in the zipper.


Mary ann...

I'd like your candid opinion.

Do you think I could pass as a woman?

Well, it depends on things.

Things? Mm-hmm.

How dark the night, and how bad their eyesight.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm in the wrong--

Thurston, have you gone out of your mind?

What are you doing in my wig and my best neg--negligee?

Well, it was the only thing that fit, you see,

And looked chic at the same time.

I don't understand.

Well, one of us men have to become the white goddess.

Oh, darling, you're so gallant.

You're doing this to save the girls.

No, I'm doing it to save my business.

I've got to get to that king's island

And back to civilization.

What do you girls do

When your earrings are pinching your ears?

Oh, we just think of how much our shoes are pinching our feet.

Oh, yeah. Great.

Aah! I think I'm going to faint.

No, lovey, don't. Leave us alone.

We have some serious girl talk.

Oh, dear, well... Don't say anything catty, girls,

Just because I'm leaving first.

Heh heh heh!

Well, I must say, you two are a gruesome twosome.

You don't make us a thrillsome threesome, I might say.

You know, I don't think this is going to work.

Maxine, I don't know about you and laverne,

But I'm getting out of this.

Wait a minute! Where's gilligan?

Gilligan? Gilligan!

Somebody call...


I'd hate to judge this beauty contest

Because nobody'd win.

He might be able to pull it off.

Oh, no. I'm not gonna dress up like a girl.

Oh, yes, you are, and that's an order.

I'm not gonna dress up like a girl,

And you can't make me!

You can't make me! You can't make me!

We already did.

Gilligan, if I ever saw a white goddess,

You are it.

I think this just might work.

You look positively ravishing.

But what are we gonna call him?

I mean, whoever heard of a goddess named gilligan?

Why don't you call her gillianna? What am I saying?

Gillianna! That's such a musical, feminine--

Turn around. Move for us, gillianna.

They're k*lling me. I don't see how women wear them.

They think how much the earrings are pinching their ears.

Sun sink low in sky.

No more time. Must choose goddess now.

Mr. Howell: king! Huh?

Have I got a goddess for you!


We forgot all about little gillianna--

Ouch! Those heels!

She was on the other side of the island, picking berries.

Your highness, gillianna.

This is king kaliwani.

Emperor of night, knight of--

Yes, we know.

[In falsetto] charmed, I'm sure.

They tell me you're looking for a white goddess.

Are you married woman?

Married? I'm not even engaged.

Your highness, is this a goddess, or is this a goddess?

The gods have chosen. You must go to them.

Couldn't they come to my place?

Tonight we have ceremony.

Make goddess official.

Heh heh heh.

[Chanting] o hu nini pu!

[Castaways repeat] o hu nini pu!

O hu haha hu!

[Castaways chant] o hu haha hu... O hu haha hu...

O hu haha hu... O hu haha hu...

Goddess of night...

Goddess of day...

Goddess of work...

Goddess of play...

Goddess of moon...

With pale, white skin...

Bride of volcano...

When throw her in!


Here. When tide come in, we leave.

Don't hurry on my account.

Psst! Gilligan.

Oh, it's you, skipper.

Keep up the good work. You're doing great.

I have a feeling the worst is yet to come.

You're right. He's coming up the path now.

Put your wig back on.

Skipper, don't leave me.

I'm not gonna leave you.

Don't worry about a thing.

I'm just a whistle away.

[Knock knock]

[Falsetto] who is it?

King kaliwani.

Oh, come in.

Soon you come to my island.

Yes, I know.

You no look happy.

I was thinking about my future husband, the volcano.

I don't think we're meant for each other.

Funny. Me think same thing.

You're not gonna throw me in the volcano?

You beautiful woman.

Heh heh...you're not so bad yourself.

Have you very much on my mind.

Want you for myself.

Huh? Oh...ohh...


How do you mean?

Throw dummy in volcano.

Keep you for me. Make you my wife.

As soon as we follow gilligan to the other island,

We'll be back in civilization in no time.

Ah, the sounds of civilization.

The rustle of money as I make a deposit.

The sound of marching as I drill our servants.

The... [Wolf whistles]

As I walk down the street.

Girls, mr. And mrs. Howell,

We've gotta do something and do it quick.

Well, what's wrong, skipper?

It's the king. He's getting fresh with gilligan.

Oh, what a cad! That bounder!

If he finds out he's not a girl,

The wedding's off, the trip to the other island's off,

The rescue is off.

Oh, we've got to keep him away from gilligan.

Exactly. Mrs. Howell,

Why don't you take that fruit over to him,

Keep him busy for a while?

Oh, that's a good idea, captain.

I always did hear that the way to a man's stomach

Is through the kitchen.

Or is it the way to a man's heart?

Oh, well, it doesn't matter.

Take him the fruit.

Mary ann, we can entertain him.

I've got those darling dancing costumes

From the u.s.o. Tour.

Oh, great! Let's get started.

Well, how about you, mr. Howell?

Can you do anything?

Well, yes, yes. I can do some magic tricks.

I just happen to have my magician's outfit.

I always carry it with me.

Oh, well, fine. Well, why don't you go get it!

You don't go get a magician's outfit.

You simply go snap of the fingers, presto, zinko, zoppo!

And there you are. A lovely cape.

Ha ha! See what I mean?

Aren't you married?

Have wives...

But they no understand me.

Me lonely king.

Pretty knee.

Very pretty!

You know, I'll show you something prettier!

Ooh! [Kisses]

Just in time. Anybody for passion fruit?

No, no! Not passion fruit.

No! Want to be alone!

I think I'll have a banana.

Oh, shall I peel it for you, dear?

Out! Out!

Well, if you feel that way about it.


Well, if you change your mind, let me know.


I'm going! Hoo!

Kaliwani have present for winomi.

Ring. Belong to mother.

Now give to you.

Your mother must have a very big, fat finger.

Not for finger. For nose.

I'm sorry, but my nose isn't pierced.

Oh, me fix that.

Why don't we wait till we know each other better?

Here, take a bite, huh?


Entertainment time!

Welcome to the club tropicana!

♪ Da da da da, da da, and... ♪

♪ Won't you come home, bill bailey ♪

♪ Won't you come home ♪

♪ I'm home the whole day long ♪

♪ I'll do the cookin', honey ♪

♪ I'll pay the rent ♪

♪ I know I done you wrong-- ♪


Want to be alone!

Look who thinks he's greta garbo.


And now...

For your pleasure...

We present... The great...

The magnificent... The super-stupendous...

The most phenomenal magician of this or any time...

Both: thurston howell iii!

Yay! Yay!

Yay! Yay! Yay! He knows , tricks,

And I wanna see them all.

You only trick I interested in.

Boy, you're a fat one.

Now, for my first trick,

A simple deck of cards.

Now for my second trick,

An ordinary red handkerchief, you see,

And passing the magic hand,

And it becomes a yellow handkerchief!

That yellow?

Now, for my final, blockbuster trick,

A simple chapeau, understand?

Nothing in the chapeau.

Right? Empty. Everyone see? Empty.

Now, ahh! Pull a--

Magic hand, pull a rabbit out.

[Cheep cheep]

That rabbit?

Wanna buy a duck?

Out! Take friend with you! Out!

First time I ever laid an egg.

Kikikanda! Kikikanda!

Guard door. Keep all out.

How about little kiss, baby?

Oh, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

I'm not the kind of girl you think I am!

I know. Let's play hide-and-seek.

Then, if you catch me, I'll give you a great, big kiss.

Kiss? That good game. How you play?

You close your eyes, and count to .

Hmm. , , --

No, no, no, no! Not so fast!

We women can't move around fast in heels.

... ... ...

Heh heh heh heh. ...

... ... ...

... !

... ... ... ...


... ... ... ...


... ... ... ...

... , !

Ready or not, here I come!

Where are you?

♪ Where are you? ♪

I'm coming! No time for games.


Mohula humba! Mohula humba!

Mohula humba what?

Goddess vanish before very eyes!

Nothing left but hair and dress.

I warn you before. Gods angry.

No make pass at goddess.

Bad magic here.

Leave this island.

We go now!



Where's gilligan?


Goddess! You're out of uniform.

It's no use, mr. Howell.

They would've found out sooner or later I wasn't a girl.

Well, you can't quit now.

We need them to get rescued.

I hate being a girl.

Besides, he was touching my knee.

Small price to pay for civilization.

Come along, my boy-- I mean, goddess.

Follow me!

Hey! Wait! Come back! Come back!

Take him with you-- I mean, take her with you!

Quick, goddess, into this.

In--in-- into your robe.

Here, here, here. There you are.

Mr. Howell, it's no use.

No, you look gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!

I don't think so. Look.

I'm writing this adventure up in our log.

Wonder how you spell "king kaliwani."

K-i-n-g. King.

Thanks a lot, gilligan.

Where you going with that?

I'm putting it outside with the rest of your stuff.

What's going on here?

Well, I was a white goddess, right?

Well, yeah. Well, I guess you could say that.

And a goddess is royalty, right?

Well, yes, I guess so.

Well, you don't expect us royalty to live with you commoners, do you?

Oh, gilligan, you put that chest down right now.

Yes, sir.

Aah! Ohh!

♪ Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make the best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate and his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In the tropic island nest ♪

♪ No phone, no lights ♪

♪ No motorcars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪
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