10x21 - Turning Japanese

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

You know, the great thing about
your mother being out of town,

aside from the fact
that she's not here,

is the three of us
get a chance to bond.

Aw.

Dad, as long as we're bonding,

you know, I'm going
to be graduating

from college soon and I
got some pretty serious life...

Bud, shut up.

Family Matters is on now.

If you got anything
to learn about life

you can learn it from Urkel

and his fat cop neighbor.

I hate this show.

How could you not love Urkel?

I mean, with his glasses,

and those pants,
and the suspenders.

Speaking of annoying
neighbor boys in suspenders...

Everyone, I have great news
that you will all want to hear...

Marcy got a
promotion at the bank

that will take her to
Japan once a month.

Jefferson, you stole my thunder.

Oh, I... I'm sorry, dear.
It won't happen again.

Okay. I... She's gonna
be vice president.

Vice president in
charge of all transactions

between her branch and
the home office in Japan.

Are you finished? Almost.

With her salary increase,

she'll never have to
worry about money again.

Well, you will if
you don't shut up.

Guys, I'm just so
happy for both of you.

What say we celebrate by
you getting the hell out of here

and me watching my TV.

My treat.

Well...

Technically, I don't
have the job yet,

so celebrating would
be a bit premature.

You see, the bank president
is flying all the way from Japan

to have dinner at
my house tonight.

Now, once he approves of
me, the job is as good as mine.

Oh, I love this
show. That Urkel...

What an actor.

See, Bud, I'm not alone.

No. As long as there's a
sailor and an ice-cream cone

you'll never be alone, Kelly.

So, Al, um, the
reason that I'm here

is that I need your help

with just one little thing

to make tonight's
dinner perfect.

I need you to leave
the neighborhood.

You see, I don't want my
boss to be repulsed by you

and your children. No offence.

None taken.

So you'll do it?

I meant none taken... yet.

All right, Al.
What's your price?

One night, all expenses paid,

in a Howard Boman's Motor Lodge.

Ooh, Hobo's.

Where every bed is
shaped like a boxcar.

O-o-or so I hear from my...

My slutty friends who
go there all the time.

Not me.

We also want
passes to the Hobo's

Friday's all-you-can-eat
clam buffet.

[LAUGHING]

Well, Al, you drive
a hard bargain

and a rusty Dodge,

but I think I can spring for
5 more dollars. Live it up.

[ALL CHEERING]

KELLY: Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

[♪♪♪]

So, Mr. Shimokawa,
did you like the sushi?

It was wonderful. Thank you.

How original, serving sushi

to a Japanese man in America.

It's like Gilligan
getting off the island

and being offered a coconut.

You know, um,

I-I find the Japanese
culture to be fascinating.

I mean, the art, the literature.

I-I-I just loved
The Joy Luck Club.

That was Chinese.

Well, the Kama Sutra.

That is Indian.

In my country, this
man would be filling

water glasses at Denny's.

So, uh, now that we've
finished with dinner,

can I offer you some...?

Let me guess. Tea.

Tea?

Would you like something
in it? Milk? Sugar?

Whiskey.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Now, who could that be?

Please, let it be Domino's.

I'd k*ll for a pizza.

Look, honey, it's our favorite
neighbors: the Bundys.

Kelly, Bud,

Peggy, Al.

Mr. Shimokawa, this is Al Bundy,

an Acura salesman.

Peggy, his wife, a homemaker.

Their son, Bud, who's
home from medical school,

and their daughter, Kelly,
who's a violin prodigy.

Ugh, this isn't too patronizing.

I just wanted to thank
you again, Marcy san,

for the home
loan you got for us.

She is truly the Japanese
businessman's best friend.

Well, thanks, Bundys,
for stopping by.

Uh, Mrs. D'Arcy, I
had a wonderful time,

but I must really be going.

To a liquor store.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, you can't go yet.

The best is just ahead.

Oh, good. They're
going to hang themselves.

Karaoke.

Oh, no.

I'm going to hang myself.

[SONG PLAYING]

BOTH: ♪ Fame ♪

♪ I'm gonna live forever ♪

♪ I'm gonna learn how to fly ♪
♪ High ♪

♪ I've got it coming together ♪

♪ People will see me and cry ♪

♪ Baby, remember my name ♪

♪ Remember, remember
Remember, remember ♪

If only I could forget.

[SONG ENDS]

MARCY: The job
is mine. I can feel it.

[RUMBLING]

[VEHICLE DEPARTING]

What was that?

Uh. Uh, nothing.

No, that was not nothing.

That was a 1971 Dodge.

[CHUCKLES]

The one I need to
complete my collection.

Oh, you collect
classic American cars?

No, I collect classic
American junk.

Yes, I have a
Gremlin and a Pacer,

an old yellow school bus
with no brakes or no seat belts.

I have everything
except that one.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

That is real junk.

Mrs. D'Arcy, the car is very
important to me. I must have it.

Well, don't you
worry, Mr. Shimokawa,

I'll take care of everything

and I'll even leave my
Jefferson here to entertain you.

[SONG PLAYING]

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ And I just can't hide it ♪

♪ I'm about to lose
control and I think I like it ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Clam me, Bud.

Hey.

Here are the, uh, the rest of
the Hobo's clams from the trunk.

The corn's keeping
warm in the muffler.

What are you people doing
here? I bought you a room.

They kicked us out.

And I have a good mind to
sue them for false advertising.

That sign clearly said
"all the clams you can eat,"

not "all the clams
you can eat right now."

So how are things
going with your boss?

Oh, great, great. Just great.

Until you three
Mothra'd on home.

As it turns out, Mr. Shimokawa
collects junk cars

and he wants to buy yours.

I don't have any junk cars.
All I have is the Dodge.

You don't mean...

Oh, come on, Al.

He'll probably offer
you twice what it's worth.

I mean, you might even get $50.

Well, Marcy, me and that Dodge
have been together a long time.

Well, so have you and your
hair, but you got rid of that.

Way to bargain, Marce.

I love that car more
than anything that I have.

Dad, what about us?

You need a Q-Tip?

Marcy, like I said before,
I'm not selling that car.

Especially not to
some Japanese bigwig

who gets rich by
flooding our market

with fuel-efficient,
affordable cars

that don't fold up like a tin
can on a front-end collision...

Like that's important.

And all the while
they're buying up

all our American classics.

Please, Al.

My job is on the line.

Oh, well, that changes nothing.

Marcy, I'm not selling
that car to your boss.

That car was born a Bundy.
By God, it will die a Bundy.

[SONG PLAYING]

♪ Do you really
Want to hurt me? ♪

♪ Do you really Want
to make me cry-y-y ♪

More than life itself.

Oh.

Mrs. D'Arcy. So did
you get my Dodge?

You know, his
price was too high.

Isn't that just like the poor?

Always trying to take
advantage of the rich.

God, I hate them.

So I tell you what
we're going to do:

tomorrow, I'm gonna take
you down to a dealership

and we're going to
get you a better one.

Do you not realize how
rare those Dodges are today?

I mean, half of
them were recalled.

The other half
dissolved in the rain.

This may be the only one left.

Well, Mr. Shimokawa, I-I
just don't think he wants to sell.

Bottom line, Mrs. D'Arcy,

you will get me that Dodge,

or I will get me a new
vice president for my bank.

[SONG PLAYING]

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ So what am I so afraid of? ♪

♪ I'm afraid that
I'm not sure of ♪

♪ A love there is no cure for ♪

So, Al, to thank you for being
so understanding about my boss

I thought it only right to treat
you to dinner and a show.

[ROCK SONG PLAYING]

Mrs. D'Arcy, I thought as a...

A feminist, you wouldn't
like places like this.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Feminism is about protecting

a woman's rights
in the workplace.

Now, where that
workplace happens to be

is none of my concern.

Lap dance?

Split, bitch.

So, Al, let's talk
about your future.

Sure, you're making
tens of dollars now,

but you can't work forever.

And somehow I seriously doubt

that your children will
be there to support you.

Move into my parents'
basement with me, babe.

We'll live on love.

Well, that and welfare.

So it occurs to me that
you could use a nest egg.

Say, somewhere in
the neighborhood of...

$3000?

Marcy, the car's not for sale.

Oh, come on, Al.

You know that car's
not worth $3000.

Why are you being such an ass...
Astoundingly stubborn human?

Marcy, you see, it's
a... It's a man's thing.

Unlike you
leg-shavers, we men...

We men like our
things broken in.

You know, old things.

Old tennis shoes,
old filthy jeans.

A 30-year-old toothbrush

with chunkets of
Reggie bar in them.

See, now, the
Dodge is like that.

Dodge is just like that.

Over the years,
I molded that car

to fit every nook and
cranny of my body.

And I tell you the truth, I
don't have the life left over

to break in another car,
so my answer still must be:

[HOOTING]

What was I saying?

Never mind. You,
Al Bundy, are a pig.

I repeat, a pig.

We're leaving. Jefferson?

[ROCK SONG PLAYING]

Jefferson, we're going home.

Why? What's wrong?

Because I can't
stand another minute

in this hideous, horrible...

Oh, Mr. Shimokawa.

What brings you
to the Jiggly Room?

Quite honestly, the jiggly.

So, Mrs. D'Arcy, did
you secure my Dodge?

Well, yes... Well, no.

Uh, actually, I'm
still negotiating.

You see, my husband
wasn't feeling very well and...

[HOOTS]

How can I trust you to
negotiate banking deals

when you can't even
buy a rusting hunk

from a rusting shoe salesman?

I can see everything

with my x-ray onion eyeglasses.

Please, Mr. Shimokawa,
give me another chance.

I will find his price.

[ROCK SONG PLAYING]

Five thousand dollars.

No.

[ROCK SONG PLAYING]

Seventy-five hundred.

No.

[ROCK SONG PLAYING]

Ten thousand?

No.

Hello, Officer Dan.
What can I do for you?

We got a call about
an indecent sex act.

I assure you I have
no indecent sex act

in my establishment.

Then get one.

We didn't ditch that
drug stakeout for nothing.

Al, I don't understand you.

You have turned down $10,000.

Now, that is more money
than you would make

if you live to be 10,000.

Marcy, it's not the
money, it's the sentiment.

All right, what is the
sentimental value?

Twenty thousand.

Twenty thousand?

That is ridiculous...

My car.

All right. I'll ask.

Don't you think $20,000
is a little much to ask

for a car that's made
mostly of string and paper?

Son, I've got Marcy
exactly where I want her.

Dad, at the risk of
sugarcoating this,

I'll just say that when it comes
to finances, you're an idiot.

All right. All right.
You got your 20 grand.

Daddy.

Hey, hey, hey.

Do we have a deal?

Yes, on one condition.

[WHISPERS INAUDIBLY]

Well, Mr. Shimokawa,
you got yourself a car.

Ha. I told Mrs. D'Arcy
every man has his price.

We do.

Just like every woman has hers.

[ROCK SONG PLAYING]

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ I cannot hide it ♪

Well, good news,
Mr. Shimokawa. You got your car.

And the job is
yours, Mrs. D'Arcy.

Because of my great
negotiating skills?

No, because you know
how to shake it, baby.

Well, in that case,

consider this my resignation.

Isn't this nice?

Quiet evening alone
with my loved ones.

Oh, Daddy, that's so sweet.

Oh, don't gush it up. He's
talking about his clams.

MAN [ON TV]: In other news, the
president of the largest bank in Japan

was arrested yesterday
for starting a riot

in a Chicago nudie bar.

[ALL LAUGHING]

At least Mrs. D'Arcy
didn't get demoted

to drive-up teller this time.

Yeah, but now she's
the ATM beeper.

What's that?

You know when you punch in
your code and it goes "beep"?

Yeah? Yeah, that's her.

You know, Daddy,

I'm sorry you didn't get
your money for your car.

I got my clams. Yeah.

Dig in.

And in other news, a
rare strain of botulism

was discovered and traced back

to the all-you-can-eat
clam night

at the Chicago's
Hobo's Motor Lodge.

Fortunately,

most of the tainted
shellfish was stolen

by a family of homeless
thieves living in a Dodge.

[♪♪♪]