10x25 - Kiss of the Coffee Woman

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

All right, I've had it.

I'm sick of coming home,

seeing you holding down
the couch watching Oprah

and stuffing your
face full of bonbons.

Now, you either get your
lazy ass in the kitchen

and cook me a meal or get out.

Come on, Al, Marcy won't let me

back in the house
until I have a job.

If you kick me out
too, where will I go?

Don't know, don't care.

Sure, you working people
don't know how tough

it is to find a job these days.

Kelly, I got you another job.

Damn, I'm a good agent.

If I was a hot young chick,

I couldn't keep my
hands off myself.

Well, I guess that makes
you a hot young chick.

Just for that, I'm not gonna
tell you who got the part

in the next Romantic
Roast coffee commercial.

Oh, please, Bud, please tell me.

Well, she's blond, she's
standing right next to me,

and she doesn't have
a brain in her head.

Could you be a little
bit more specific?

Just a little. Please

You, you dullard.
What? I got the job?

Oh, my God. You got the job.

All I did was read
lines at the audition.

I mean, I didn't even
have to uncross my...

My-My fingers or anything.

Look, you start... You
start sh**ting tonight.

[GASPS]

Congratulations, pumpkin,

but what exactly
is Romantic Roast?

It's this brown powder stuff
that when you add hot water

it becomes coffee.

I know. I know,

I didn't believe it
either, but it's true.

Jefferson, that settles it.

If someone with
the IQ of a French fry

can get a job, you can too.

Yeah.

Wait... Hey.

Now, listen, Jefferson.

I also want you to drive these
kids anywhere they wanna go.

You want me to be a chauffeur?

That's humiliating.

No, Jefferson, sleeping in
Peg's couch dust is humiliating.

This is just a job so
Marcy will take you back.

Look, I appreciate that, Al,

but I can't take
money from your kids.

Sure you can. You're
stronger than the boy.

Just shake him down
when the girl's not looking.

Okay, folks, Romantic
Roast rehearsal, take one.

Yep, Lance, the really cute
building super, is on his way up

so I've cleverly
jammed the disposal.

Yep, I put ABBA's
greatest hits on the stereo,

and, well, of course I made

two cups of Romantic Roast.

I'll let you know how
it goes. Okay, bye.

[SQUEAKY VOICE] I'm
here to fix the disposal.

Cut.

Ha-ha, very amusing
Mike Tyson impression.

This time, could
you try it in a register

everyone can
hear, not just dogs?

And of course I made two
cups of Romantic Roast.

I'll let you know
how it goes. Bye.

[SQUEAKY VOICE] I'm
here to fix the disposal.

Cut.

I'm curious.

Exactly what part on
Baywatch did you play?

Well, the voice of Lex,
the friendly dolphin.

All right, Lex, you're fired.

Okay. Let's just call
it a day, shall we?

Bite me.

Uh, Mr. Director, uh...

Look, I think I know
who can play Lance.

Oh, I don't think
you're right for the part.

You look like he sounds.

I heard that.

Not me. I'm talking
about my... My other client.

Yeah, and, uh, put 50 bucks
on Agile Angus to place.

Yeah.

Mr. D'Arcy, I think I can get
you a job in this commercial.

Why? What have I
ever done to you?

It's a job so Mrs. D'Arcy
will let you back in the house.

Hey, yeah. Maybe you're right.

I mean, you know,
it's not really work.

It's acting.

And of course I made

two cups of Romantic Roast.

Okay. I'll let you
know how it goes. Bye.

I'm here to fix the disposal.

You know, I can't figure
out what happened.

I see this all the time.

Mm.

[GRUNTS]

Can I thank you
with a cup of coffee?

Mm. Mm.

Romantic Roast?

Romantic Roast.

[♪♪♪]

MAN 1: Long after
the coffee's gone,

the romance lingers on and on.

MAN 2: ♪ Romantic Roast ♪

Ha, congratulations, pumpkin.

As you know, acting
careers are fleeting,

so you should give me your money

so I invest it wisely for you.

Oh, Daddy, you do love me.

I do now.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

This commercial is the best
thing that ever happened to us.

Well, for once, Al, we agree.

With Jefferson employed,

our relationship has
never been better.

Ah! There he is.

It's Lance,
Mr. Romantic-Roast-Coffee-Guy.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

But you know, I'm... I'm Mrs.
Romantic-Roast-Coffee-Guy.

Mm-hm.

Only on TV.

I'm the real Mrs.
Romantic-Roast-Coffee-Guy.

Oh, you're his mother.

No, you twit. I'm his wife.

That's impossible.

This map to the stars'
homes says he lives alone.

Give me that.

What lowlife
would sell you this?

Two hundred
seventy-five, 300, 350.

Al, you've got to do something

about this ruthless
exploitation of our families.

You're right, and I will.

There you go.

May I present the
autographed Lance pump.

Price: 79.95.

Price Gary thinks
we're selling it for:

9.95.

Let the purse-jacking begin.

[WOMEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Ma'am,

groping Lance will
cost you 100 bucks.

Grope on.

Jefferson?

There you are.

How did you find me here?

Well, Bud was also selling maps

to "where the stars are making
whorish public appearances."

By the way, did you
know that Michael Caine

is down at Orange
Julius as we speak?

Jefferson, why would
you sell your good name

to line the polyester pockets
of the lowest man on earth?

And you wonder why
stars leave their wives.

Look, Marcy, this
is all harmless fun.

This is just Jefferson's
15 minutes of fame.

Yeah, it will be over
before your hair grows out.

Mr. D'Arcy, great news.

The people from
Romantic Roast just called

and they want you and Kelly
for two more commercials.

JEFFERSON: Hey, no way.

[ALL CHEERING]

KELLY [ON TV]: Lance, why
don't you finish your Romantic Roast

while it's still hot and steamy.

JEFFERSON [ON TV]:
Lila, that's not the only thing

that's hot and steamy.

KELLY: Oh, Lance.

JEFFERSON: Oh, Lila.

Oh, sh**t me.

[ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING]

MAN: Romantic Roast,

what Juan Valdez drinks
when the missis is out of town.

Al, don't you see
where this is going?

Jefferson is getting famous
and more and more women

are throwing themselves at
him, and before you know it,

he'll be gone,
I'll be all alone,

It'll be just like
when Steve left.

It's very scary, you understand?

Yes, I do, Marcy,
and to help you out,

I made a top 10 list of things

to make you more
attractive for your...

For your sex-symbol husband.

Uh-oh.

Number 10, wear
traditional Islamic garb,

covering all but the eyes.

Number nine,

feather-removing electrolysis.

Number eight, ski mask.

Number seven, sew
up holes in ski mask.

Number six,

hire attractive woman to
stand in front of you at all times.

Number five, beak job.

Number four, put
paper bag over ski mask.

Number three, shave head,

tattoo Cindy Crawford's
face on back of head,

learn to walk backwards.

Number two, poke out
eyes of every man on earth.

Number one,

get president to make
every day Halloween.

Yeah, I don't
understand you, Al.

Although perhaps
that's the fault

of that cow-sized tongue
inside your peanut-sized head.

Hey, do I make fun of you?

Doesn't it bother you that
your daughter and my husband

are living a soap opera romance?

No, Marcy,

but the difference
between me and you, Marcy,

outside the fact that my
feet aren't a Chinese delicacy,

is that I know the difference
between fact and fiction.

Well, I'm glad you
feel that way, Dad.

Because, uh, I was a little
worried you might have a problem

with this next commercial.

Why? What's in this commercial?

Well, Mr. D'Arcy and
Kelly have to, um...

They have to kiss.

BOTH: What?

I'll k*ll him first.

Dad, it's only a commercial.

One that's gonna
make us a lot of money.

Bud, there are some things
more important than money.

Kelly's lips are never gonna go
where Marcy's lips have been.

Yeah? Well, my Jefferson's
lips are never gonna go

where everyone else's
lips have already been.

That's right!

Hey, what are you hinting at?

I'll break it to you later, Al.

Right now let's deal
with this situation.

Oh, well, what are
we worried about?

Kelly will never go for this.

Hey, did you hear the good news?

We're gonna kiss on television.

BOTH: Mm-mm-mm.

[CHUCKLES]

Jefferson, honey, can
I have a word with you

in our own kitchen

by the recently
sharpened knives?

Goodbye, Lila.

Bye, Lance.

[IMITATING KISSING]

[GIGGLING]

Kelly, we have to have a talk.

As her agent, I strongly advise
my client not to listen to you.

Shut up or it's five
across the eyes.

Kelly,

I've given you good
fatherly advice in the past.

Daddy, you have never
given me fatherly advice.

Then here's some advice from
someone 100 pounds heavier

with an eight-inch
reach advantage.

You are not
kissing the neighbor.

Daddy, I am grown up,

and you can't tell me
what to do anymore so:

Kelly, I know you're grown up,

even though you
still live at home,

and occasionally
pick up the phone

when you think
it's the doorbell,

but, sweetheart, look.

Why do you think I carry
your baby picture in my wallet?

That's not me, Dad.

That's the picture that
came with the wallet.

Hey, when I bought
this wallet, I had a choice.

A little boy or a little girl.

I picked the little
girl. She's symbolic.

She's Chinese, Dad.

That's what I was
hoping you would be.

Oh, Daddy, I'm
sorry I'm not Chinese.

I didn't mean it.

Oh, sweetheart, all
right. That's all right, now.

Daddy, what is
really the problem?

Well, because I-I... I
wanna keep you pure.

Well, you better
call Mr. Peabody

and the WABAC machine.

Daddy.

This commercial is just pretend.

And of course I'm gonna stay
pure until I meet the right man.

In the meantime,

why don't you come
to the set tomorrow

and you'll see
how innocent it is.

And if you don't
like what you see,

you know what you can do.

b*at everybody up?

You are my daddy.

Actors on the set
for the reading.

So, what kind of kiss
do you think it will be?

There's only one kind:

man faces woman,
closes his eyes,

imagines he's with
someone else, just like sex.

You truly are a Neanderthal.

I mean, there's
all kinds of kisses.

Open mouth, closed
mouth, tongues...

Tongues?

The tongue has
no place in passion.

Hey, excuse me, Mr. Director.

I'd like to talk to you about
this kissing with tongues.

Wrong set. They're casting
Show Boys down the hall.

No, no. Kelly's my daughter.

I wanna make sure this
kiss is quick and clean.

Oh, well, they're not
going to kiss anymore.

We did some research
and the audience felt

that kissing after the
third date was too '80s.

I'm glad this country has
finally come to its senses.

So, what are you
gonna have them do?

What's that bed for?

Oh, come on, Mr. Bundy.
You're a married man.

Yeah?

What's that bed for?

We, in the
business, call it sex.

I don't care what you call
it, my daughter's not doing it.

Mr. Bundy, they're
not really having sex.

In fact, the commercial
takes place after sex,

when they're having coffee.

How can someone
drink coffee in their sleep?

I'll handle this, Magilla. Look.

My husband is not having
postcoital coffee with anyone.

I don't care how much
money you pay him.

How does $50,000 sound?

Quiet on the set.

Dad, did you hear that?

I just still can't
figure it out.

Sex, then coffee.
It's just wrong.

Okay, I-I know you
just got these new lines.

So we're gonna have a
cold reading here on the set

and see what we've got.

Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Good morning, darling.

Wow, Lance, you sure
fixed the squeak in my bed.

You're wonderful.

So the sex was
good for you too, huh?

No, it was awful,

but the coffee makes
it all worthwhile.

Then you sip,
and then you smile,

and then we're done.

Great. How do those lines feel?

Brilliant. Encore.

Problem over
here. Look, what...?

What exactly does she mean,

"It was awful"?

She means you're
bad in bed. I am not.

Okay, Lance is bad in bed.

Look, you don't
seem to understand.

To millions of women
out there, I am Lance.

Okay? I can't have them
thinking that I'm bad in bed.

Now, how about if I'm
good, and she's bad?

That's the way
it is in real life.

You're gonna have to
rewrite this script, pal.

We can't do that.

See, this commercial is
geared towards women

and we all know they
can never be satisfied.

BOTH: That's true.

Which works for us,

because if men really
were good in bed,

women wouldn't
need flavored coffee.

Look, pal, I'm a real man,

and I can't pretend
to be anything less.

Marcy, could I have a ride home?

Take the bus with
the other real men.

Wait, Mr. D'Arcy.

This happens to older
married men all the time.

I've... I've heard.

Well, that's a wrap.

Actors.

Maybe we should rethink
this whole campaign.

I've got it.

Frogs.

Coffee-drinking frogs.

Uh... Uh, Mr. Director, listen.

Before you go with
frogs, hear me out.

DIRECTOR: Action.

Wow, Vance, you fixed
the squeak in my bed.

You're wonderful.

So the sex was...?
What? What's the line?

DIRECTOR: Good for you.

So the sex was good for you?

No, it was awful,

but that's what makes
the coffee all worthwhile.

DIRECTOR: Cut. Cut.

So the sex was good for you too,

huh?

No,

it was awful.

Cut. Cut. Thank
you. That's enough.

I'm going home.

Someone get me some
frogs and some bourbon.

So the sex was good for...

you too?

No, it was awful,

but that's what makes
the coffee all worthwhile.

Hey, how was that?

MAN: Great.

Let's try it again, Al.

So the sex was good for you too?

No, it was awful,

but that's what makes
the coffee all worthwhile.

Well, that was good for me.
Was that good for you, Al?

[SNORING]