12x18 - Clear and Present Ginger

[bunniefuu]

LINDA: You know I'd love to come over

and take a look at your couch,
Gayle, but I can't tonight

because I have to help
the kids with homework.

Yeah, they all have big tests tomorrow.

We do?

Shush, shush. Yeah, on Saturday.

Saturday test.

These kids today. I tell ya.

Uh-oh. The hamburgers
are burning. I got to go.

Wh-What was that about?

Yeah. Saturday test?

Do I look like I'm in Breakfast Club?

Eh, Gayle got a new
couch because the old one

smelled like cat pee 'cause
she let the cats pee on it.

And the Goodwill only had a foldout,

and now she's worried
it's gonna eat her.

And you're just gonna let that
couch eat your sister, Mom?

Would you let a couch eat
Gene? I worry you would.

- That's okay. It's how I want to go.
- She'll be fine.

Besides, I can't hang out
with Gayle tonight because...

Oh, here she goes.

♪ Ginger is coming to stay ♪

♪ She drives here
from minutes away ♪

You don't have to sing your Ginger song.

- ♪ We gossip a bunch ♪
- Mmm.

♪ She stays over and
eats some brunch ♪

- Mm, um...
- ♪ Two hearts b*ating as one ♪

- So you're just gonna sing it.
- ♪ Ginger. ♪

Mom, why don't you just
invite Aunt Gayle over here?

Well, because I love Gayle,

but I don't want to
add any other flavors

to the Linda-Ginger combo.

It's perfect just the way it is.

It's like when Ken's friend Ben shows up

when we're doing Krav Maga on the beach.

He doesn't even know the holds.

Get out of here, Ben.

Go back to your gluten-free bakery.

(DOOR OPENS, BELL JINGLES)

- Robert, Linda, children.
- LOUISE: Hey, Nat.

- Natalie.
- Hi, Nat.

Guys, I have the costumes for tonight,

for the Limo-vitational.

The Limo-vi-what?

The limo relay race for charity thing

the kids and I are helping Nat with.

Oh, yeah.

Raising money for people
who can't afford limo rides.

Oh, actually, it's for
the Children's Hospital.

Oh, yeah, that's better.

I can't believe we get
to be in a limo race.

How fast will we get going, Nat?

miles per hour? ?

How much face skin will I
have left when it's over?

Please say "none."

Mm, sorry, Louise, it's
not dangerous at all.

Right. Wink wink.

I'm winking back at you
because winking is fun,

but the Limo-vitational

is more like a very slow
relay race with wacky twists.

Us drivers have to pick up
three rounds of passengers,

and in each round there's
a specific challenge.

And that's where you guys come in.

Which brings it back to the costumes!

Bob, you'll be a fancy businessman.

Is "fancy businessman" code
for "mid-level cocaine dealer?"

Gene and Louise,
you'll be my old ladies.

I'm a piggy for wiggies.

Come to Gene-y, you
wonderful, old hair, you.

And, Tina, I thought you'd like to be

my prom queen.

- Whoa.
- LINDA: Aw.

My beautiful little Carrie.

I never finished the movie,

but she looked gorgeous in that dress.

And I bet she had a
great time at the prom.

Prom...

♪ ♪

- Oh, hello.
- I caught you

when you slid down the rainbow slide.

You did. Let's kiss. A prom kiss.

That's an important kind of kiss.

I know.

Mmm.

Prom-a-lama ding-dong.

We'll find out the details
of the challenges tonight.

- Be ready for anything.
- Mm, sounds like a lot of work.

I'm just gonna be
ready for a few things.

You guys are gonna have so much fun.

I'm almost jealous, but I'm not

because I get to spend my
whole night with Ginger.

I even got a blowout from Gretchen

for the occasion. Kinda.

Her hair dryer wasn't working,

so she just fanned it
with her hand really fast.

I also fashioned my hair
today because I will have...

someone special in the audience tonight.

Ooh, a new potential
Mrs. Nat on the horizon?

Well, no. It's just our
second time hanging out,

but I like her a lot.

She and her daughter are
gonna be there tonight,

so I'd sure love to win.

It'd be really nice to win.

No pressure on anyone,

but I'd really love to win this one.

Did you hear that, everybody?
Do not mess this up for her!

Oh, we'll definitely win this thing.

And it's not personal.
It's just business.

Sorry, I was trying
to get into character.

Uh, I'm not sure what businessmen say.

- Not that.
- Okay.

I got to go drop my
lizards off at the groomer.

Is that a euphemism?

See you guys tonight at :
at the Bog Harbor Speedway.

Yeah, you will.

Well, I'm gonna go drop my lizards off

at the groomer's, too.

Excuse me.

Aw, look at my elderly babies.

Well, this is quite a spread, Mom.

Cheese and crackers?
Someone's going all out.

I like to make it nice for Ginge.

I even got us a very
expensive bottle of wine.

Well, it was expensive at
one time, but I got it on sale.

- Cheese me, please.
- No! That's Ginger's cheese.

- Just one cr*ck-a-lack?
- Uh-uh.

Those are the good
ones with herbs in them.

I think they're herbs. Maybe
they're seeds. Mini mushrooms?

Oh là là.

Someone's tighty and whitey
and looking all righty.

Like a gorgeous albino sausage.

- Uh, thank you.
- How do I look?

How don't you look.

Oh, you're beautiful, honey.

I know this isn't my real
prom, but I still feel excited.

It's like a preview for a
movie I know I'm gonna love.

Hey, since I'm pretending
to be a prom teen tonight,

could I maybe borrow the
emergency phone like a real teen?

And maybe I could text
Jimmy Jr. a little bit?

I... S-Sure. I guess that's fine.

- I'll-I'll go get it.
- Great. I already have it.

Oh. Okay. Well, we got to go.

Have fun with Ginger, Lin.

Well, it's impossible not to because...

- ♪ Ginger is com... ♪
- Yup. We got it.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Stay out of our rooms.

Oh, waiting is k*lling me.

Oof. No, my armpits are k*lling me.

Come on, you two. You're coming with me.

There you go.

Now, you guys behave
the rest of the night.

NAT: Belchers.

Welcome to the Limo-vitational,

the biggest night in limo racing.

Also the only night in limo racing.

Thanks. It's nice to be out
of the office. (CHUCKLES)

Sorry, I keep trying
to do business guy talk.

You do keep trying.

Okay, don't look now, but that woman

right up there in the stands
with the teen daughter is Peggy.

Okay, so you're all
just looking at Peggy?

- Yep.
- I'm waggling my fingers at her.

- Waggle, waggle, waggle, waggle.
- Gene.

Now, let's win this thing to impress her

so she falls in love with me.

And marries me and has,
uh, children with me,

and we share lizards together.

Okay, so the announcer over there

will call out each round and let us know

what the specific challenge
will be for each passenger.

You guys want a hot dog for energy

before the race starts? I
made them myself from scratch.

Yes. A hot dog for a hot Gene.

Let me just see if Jimmy Jr.

Got any of my very cool texts

that I sent him on the drive over here.

Huh, no response yet.

Maybe I'll just send one more.

So, one more fun prom thought.

If proms were people,

what kind of dances would they go to?

Again, this is Tina. Send.

Texting from my
family's emergency phone.

But this is not an emergency. Send.

But I would love to hear back from you.

But no stress.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Double-hang-loose
emoji, and send.

Maybe it's good you
don't have your own phone.

(SLURPS) Where are you, Ginger?

Hurry up and get here before
I drink all the cheap wine

and have to start drinking
the less cheap wine.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello? Oh, hey, you.
Are you almost here?

Want to talk on the phone until you are?

Ooh, honk your horn.
I'll see if I can hear ya.

Oh, no, your car broke down?

You can still get here
without an engine, right?

It's mostly downhill.

No, no, you're right, safety first.

That's okay, hon.

Yeah, we can do it another time.

Ah, poop.

♪ Ginger... ♪ (BELCHES)

Oof. ♪ ... er. ♪

(SIGHS) Well, what am
I supposed to do now?

I wanted to drink wine
and talk to my girlfriend.

Dang it. Well, I may as well call Gayle

and make sure her couch didn't eat her.

Hey, it's me. How's it going?

No, Gayle, don't-don't
glue your couch shut.

All right, limo racers,
we're ready to get started.

The first challenge is called
"Keep That Coffee Off Me."

Each driver will have to take
an important businessperson

to their meeting, but the twist is,

your client will be holding
a briefcase in one hand

and a huge cup of coffee in the other.

Get them to the conference room first

without staining their
white suit to win the round.

All right, Bob, here we go!

We'll never speak to
you again if you lose.

Have fun!

- Wow, this coffee is hot.
- Yup.

If you spill, it's gonna
burn your penis, Bob.

Get in, get in, get in.

- I want to win for her love.
- Okay.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Hey. You know, I'm actually
pretty good at this.

I guess all those
years in the restaurant

serving coffee paid off.

Well, we're still on
the straightaway, Robert.

We're about to get to the
cones, so look alive back there.

BOB: Oh, oh, oh, oh, God.

Hang in there, penis.

Hello. Thanks for letting me come over.

I swear I heard the couch
making a lip-licking sound.

So, what happened to helping the kids

with their Saturday tests?

Oh, yeah.

B-Bob's out with them now

doing, um, night tutoring

at the, uh, night library.

Hey, you want some wine?

Well, maybe half a cup. You
know I'm trying to cut out liquids.

Right, right.

I can't believe you
put all this out for me.

Well, uh, you're going through a lot

with your couch and stuff.

- Cheers.
- Ow. Why'd you hit my glass?

Gonna sit over here if
you're gonna be weird.

Do you mind if I take my shoes off?

I have a foot fungus up to my ankles,

and it's really itchy.

I'm just gonna rub them on your rug.

- Oh, oh.
- Nope, nope.

- Oh, that's good.
- Uh, here, eat a cr*cker.

It's got herbs. It's got herbs.

Ugh, this tastes weird.

- That's the herbs.
- I don't like 'em.

Okay. So, do you know any good gossip?

Well, I heard there's
a new Toyota Tacoma

coming out with a ton of
manufacturer's rebates.

- Wow.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- Ah! Who's here?
- Huh, I don't know.

Hi, Lin.

Gretchen, what are you doing here?

You left this at the salon today.

I thought it was dr*gs,
but I don't feel anything,

so I think it's just
regular food in a bag.

Oh, my travel fudge.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
go see if I can sneak

into the back of that
bar I got banned from.

I'm gonna get really
drunk and win them over.

Actually, Gayle's here and
we're drinking some wine

and she's being very fun.

- You want to come in?
- Sure.

I haven't eaten yet,
so I should at least

have wine in my stomach before I drink.

Okay, no coffee.

No coffee there. Huge pit stains.

Mmm, maybe we don't need to...

I mean, just out of this
world sized sweat marks.

... comment on that.

But otherwise, the suit is clean.

And the winner of round one is

Nat Kinkle.

- (CROWD CHEERS)
- Yes!

Hmm, still no reaction from
Jimmy Jr. to my prom texts.

Maybe it's the reception?

I'll just hold the phone up above
my head and text everything again.

I mean, he's probably just as obsessed

about a dance three years
from now as you are, right?

Isn't everybody obsessed
with all the dances

they have coming up in their lives?

I'm excited about the
touchdown dance I have

in case I get drafted into the NFL.

It's a little emo.

ANNOUNCER: And now, for round two,

"Flight of the Living Wed."

It's time to take your two
old ladies to the airport

to catch a red-eye flight

to their godson's destination wedding.

They know the marriage won't
last, but they love a buffet.

- Gene, Louise, you're up.
- Come on, Doris.

- Let's go be old, I guess.
- I'm Ethel. You're Doris.

And uh-oh, on the way to
the airport there's a...

zombie apocalypse.

Ha-ha! Zombies?

He should've opened with that.

Passengers, you're gonna have
to pop out the moon roof and use

the provided squirt
g*ns to try to mow down

the most undead Freds.

Yes, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump.

Blast them, little Belchers.

(WHOOPING)

LOUISE: I think this is the first time

I've ever felt real joy.

And I'm farting.

Those hot dogs will do
that. Turning on the fan.

Ooh, that's the fancy stuff.

- Pinot Gimme-o.
- Oh, yeah.

Uh, I was saving it for later, but
I guess we might as well drink it.

- I'll go get you a glass.
- Get me a mug.

It holds more and won't
break if I bite on it,

like stupid wine glasses.

Okay, not the night I was expecting,

and I'm gonna have to
deep-clean Gayle's foot fungus

out of the carpet, but...

♪ Gayle and Gretchen, kind of fun. ♪

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Hello?

Ginger? (GASPS) They
got your car started?

That's great.

No, no. It's-it's never too late.

Okay, hon. I'll see you in minutes.

So, Ginger is coming, and
Gretchen and Gayle are here.

Maybe that'll be fine.

GRETCHEN: Can you
hurry up with that mug?

GAYLE: And can you bring me
some Vaseline for my feet?

- A bunch of the skin is falling off.
- Nope, nope. Can't do it.

♪ I'll just send these two home ♪

♪ And have Ginger alone. ♪

- GAYLE: What?
- Nothing. Coming.

GAYLE: Ooh, that's a big skin flake.

Ooh, ooh, Linda, mug me.

I'm gonna take some of this fancy wine

and dip a cr*cker in it.

Oh, well, you're not gonna believe this,

but that was the wine
company on the phone.

And it turns out that the
pinot grigio has been recalled.

It's, uh... it's got poison in it.

See? This is why I'm
getting off liquids.

How much poison we talking?

Linda, you know me. I
can have a little poison.

No, no. Let me give
you some of this red.

But just, like, a glass

'cause I bet in like five to minutes

we'll be ready to go home, right?

I know I am, and I'm already home.

Oh, I know what we could do.

Linda, remember when we were little

and we used to
prank-call places and say,

"Is there a John there?

A Big John? Because we have diarrhea."

(LAUGHS)

Oh, yeah, we did used to do that.

I forgot. But you can't do that anymore.

Everyone has caller I.D.

- Womp, womp.
- Uh-uh.

You can just do star-six-seven.

You can call any ex-boyfriend

at any time of day or night,
and they won't know it's you

no matter how many times you call.

- Or that's what I heard.
- I'll do the first one.

These three sips of
wine are making me wild.

- Give me the phone.
- Oh, call my gym.

They're open hours,
and they're stupid.

They won't let me
sleep on the treadmill.

Uh, yes, hello. This is Sandra.

Is there a John there?

A Big John?

(LAUGHING): Because I have diarrhea.

- I have dia...
- (LAUGHS) That's good.

(LAUGHING): It is
pretty funny. Diarrhea.

- Do another. Do another.
- Okay. Maybe one more.

I'll do it. Give me the
phone. Give me the phone.

- Go, Louise! Go, Gene!
- (APPLAUSE)

- I think they're gonna win.
- Oh, uh, yay.

I thought you'd be more into
this zombie apocalypse thing

because of your not weird zombie thing,

but are you a little
bit too worried about

whether or not Jimmy Jr.

- Texts you back? Just asking.
- No, I think I'm

- worrying the right amount.
- Okay.

I-I mean, it's just this dress
got me thinking about prom

and about going with Jimmy Jr.

And I-I was hoping Jimmy Jr.
Would be excited about prom.

He was kind of my prom go-to.

But if he's not excited about prom,

then I don't know who
I would go with, and...

and-and-and what if
no one asks me to prom?

Oh, well, Tina...

ANNOUNCER: And now for the
final round, it's "Prom in Seconds,"

when your prom queen
finds out the prom king

has stood her up and she's
all alone in your limo.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no!

All alone? On prom?

(HYPERVENTILATING)

Prom queens, when I say, "Go,"
you must run down the track

and hide behind the
trash can in your lane,

then wait for your
driver to parallel park

in these tiny spaces
marked off by cones,

collect you and physically

carry you back to the limo
to get you to the prom.

- Uh...
- Oh, boy.

You got this, Tina!

This is it! This is for all the chips!

Wait, there are chips? Where?

- (HYPERVENTILATING)
- Tina, you okay?

ANNOUNCER: And, prom queens, go, go, go.

(EXCLAIMING)

BOB: Tina? Tina, where are you going?

Stop. Tina?

Tina, no. Tina!

(LAUGHING)

Well, do you have a
Big John or not, Reggie?

(LAUGHING)

No, it's not Linda Belcher. Bye.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, gosh, is that the
time? I lost track.

Uh, w-we should probably
call it a night, huh?

- Really? Already?
- What? No.

I've only had one mug of wine.

I've gone to my fencing
class drunker than this.

Hey, you know, I-I-I feel like, um,

maybe I'm getting diarrhea.

All that diarrhea talk
shook something up in there.

Oh, I can feel it coming on.

Oh, gosh, it's moving. I'm
running to the bathroom.

So, uh, just let yourselves out, okay?

Just go. Go, go, go.

- Okay. We got it.
- All right, I'm leaving.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello? Oh, hi, Ginger.

No, no, I got all the wine we need, hon.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

Okay. (GASPS)

- Who was that?
- Oh, um, no one.

Was that Ginger, Linda?

Is she coming over here now?

Is that why you were
trying to get us out?

- No.
- Wait, Ginger is coming over?

Yeah. Ginger, her real friend.

The wine, the cheese.

None of this was for me, was it, Linda?

I don't even know if you do think

my couch is trying to eat me.

I do, Gayle. I do.

Oh, so that's why you wouldn't let me

have any of the good wine.

You didn't want me to put
it in my garbage mouth.

- I'm not worthy.
- That's right, Gretel.

- Gretchen.
- No, wait. That's not it. I...

Why couldn't we hang out with Ginger?

- We're not fun enough, Lin?
- No, it's just that Ginger is special.

- Oh.
- Oh, "special Ginger."

La-la-la. We better hurry
so she doesn't see us.

- She'd probably throw up.
- Yeah. We'll get out of the way.

You know, I hope you
both do get diarrhea

so you can bond over how special it is.

No, guys, wait.

Come on, let's go to
my apartment, Gayle.

I have some tequila someone
left in the hallway we can drink.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING, FALLING DOWN STAIRS)

- Oh, my God, what was that?
- GRETCHEN: We both fell down

- the stairs a little bit!
- Oh, no.

- (DOOR OPENS, THUDS)
- GAYLE: Ow!

What was that?

GRETCHEN: I opened the
door into Gayle's head!

What do you care?
Are you okay? You're okay, right?

It hurts a little. And my feet itch.

Hurts less than how you
just made her feel, Linda!

Yeah.

- (THUD)
- GAYLE: Ow.

GRETCHEN: Sorry, sorry. We're leaving.

- (DOOR SLAMS)
- Aw, nuts.

Ugh, I feel awful.

Gayle and Gretchen hate me.

♪ Is it bad ♪

♪ That I was so
glad to see Ginger? ♪

♪ She's my friend ♪

♪ And I wanted to spend
some time on our own ♪

♪ But when my night
failed to set sail ♪

♪ Was I just using
Gretchen and Gayle? ♪

Oof. It's bad again. I'm disgusting.

♪ I know that Ginger cares for me ♪

♪ But tonight Gayle and Gretchen ♪

♪ Were there for me ♪

♪ And we had fun
calling about diarrhea ♪

♪ On the phone. ♪

(SIGHS) I got to fix this.

I'm coming, Gretchen and Gayle.

- (DOOR SLAMS)
- Oh, my face! You stupid door.

Tina? Uh...

A-Are you okay? Can I come in?

Or maybe you could open the door?

TINA: No, thank you.

I can't just leave you

in the speedway bathroom forever, Tina.

It's fine. I can make it work.

Look, I-I know you're
worried about prom.

- In three years from now, but...
- NAT: Hey, Bob.

What's the status? How's our girl doing?

She-she's okay.

She's just not coming
out of the bathroom.

Hey, Tina, you know,

I guess you could
wind up without a date.

- I could? (HYPERVENTILATES)
- W-W-Wait, wait, wait.

I-I... you didn't let me finish.

I was gonna say, "But
I really doubt it."

If, in three years,
you're still this excited

about the prom, I'm sure you're gonna go

and you're gonna have a good time,

with or without a date.

I know you'd rather go with a date,

and that's probably
what's gonna happen because

you're beautiful and smart and fun,

but if it doesn't happen,
you'll still have a good time

because you'll get a nice
dress, okay, and you'll dance,

and you'll probably drink
a little bit of alcohol,

even though you shouldn't,
and you'll look around

and be like, "I don't have to see

any of these people ever
again if I don't want to."

You'll have fun because,
Tina, you're fun.

I will? I am?

Yes. Very much.

Okay. I'm gonna come out now.

Sorry, did I ruin the race?

Uh, no. I'm amazing at parallel parking.

And everyone else isn't, and
they're still trying to do it.

But we should get going now
if we're gonna win this thing.

Okay, what do we do?
Oh, you're picking me up.

Okay, bye, guys.

- Look at her go.
- That's our Tina.

I meant Nat, but Tina's fine, too.

ANNOUNCER: And the winner is Nat Kinkle.

(CROWD CHEERING)

- (WHOOPING)
- Yes, we won!

Oh, I have so much adrenaline right now.

Let's slap each other in the face.

You want a slap, Dad?

Uh, yeah, I'll take one.

(SIGHS)

Oh, look, Gayle. It's
Ginger's friend, Linda.

What an honor.

- Can I come in?
- Sure.

- Hi, Gayle.
- Oh, sorry, Linda.

I didn't hear you come in

because we were having
so much fun without you.

Okay, you're both mad at me,
and you should be mad at me.

I was so focused on my
other friend coming over

that I didn't see the friends

that were right in
front of my dumb face.

And I made you feel bad. And I'm sorry.

Gretchen, you're a great friend.

And-and, Gayle, you're a great sister.

But am I also your friend?

Gayle, what? Yes.

Just 'cause I love Ginger

and I love to spend time with her alone

doesn't mean you're
not special to me, too.

You and I have something
I'll never have with her.

We're family.

And there's no stronger
bond than family.

Except maybe if someone
gives you a kidney.

Or an eye. Ooh, spooky.

Aw, Linda. I'd take your eye. That one.

And... I brought the good wine.

Three mugs coming up.

Actually, is it okay if we do four?

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Oh, that must be her.

I left a note for Ginger
to meet us over here.

I want all my girlfriends
together tonight.

I don't mind as long as
she's willing to fence me.

I was just about to fence Gayle,
but I'll fence her instead.

You must be Ginger. Hi, hon.

En garde!

It's still pretty early.

We could drive around and
look for another limo race.

- I'm in. Dad?
- (PHONE RINGS)

- Hello?
- Hey, Tina. It's Jimmy Jr.

Uh, I just wanted to say hi
and sorry if I missed prom.

Was it tonight? I think
I didn't pay attention

during announcements or something.

Oh, no. It's not for three years.

Oh, okay. That's good.

So, um, I'll call you back then?

- Not if I call you first.
- What?

Oh, never mind. Uh,
good night, Jimmy Jr.

I knew they were good texts.

- What?
- Nothing. I meant to hang up. Bye.

(LINDA AND FRIENDS LAUGHING)

Hey, is that Mom leaving that bar?

Is she holding a sword?

♪ That red hair ♪

♪ That friendly stare ♪

♪ She makes me feel debonair ♪

♪ It's Ginger ♪

♪ Her empathetic listening ♪

♪ The way her jewelry's glistening ♪

♪ She's the one I'm miss-ening ♪

♪ Oh, Ginger ♪

♪ When she drives here
from miles away ♪

♪ It's like a
Ginger-Linda holiday ♪

♪ Ginger-Linda holiday ♪

♪ When she walks down the street ♪

♪ You hear everybody say ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ It's Ginger. ♪