11x02 - Children of the Corns

[bunniefuu]

Big day today, Peg.

I'm getting a raise.

Al, you haven't had a
raise since our honeymoon.

And even that was below minimum.

What's for breakfast today, Peg?

Scrambled nothing
or nothing over easy?

You know, Al, I've
been a little concerned

about your cholesterol.

So I've switched
to Nothing Beaters.

Besides, your
paycheck is so small,

we can't afford
the luxuries of life.

Gee, Peg, is a shotgun
considered a luxury?

Maybe. But unlike you, Al,

a shotgun can go off
more than once a month.

Well, if I had
something worth stuffing,

maybe I'd take my g*n
in the woods more often.

Mom, have you seen
my lucky audition blouse?

What does it look like?

Uh, it's see-through.

Oh. Maybe that's
why I can't find it.

Hi, there. I have a
free gift for Peg Bundy,

Home Shopper of the Month.

Kelly, give the man a tip.

I, uh... I get dressed with the
curtains open every morning.

I know.

Why do you think
I picked this route?

Bye.

What is it?

It's a microwave oven.

What kind of cruel joke is this?

Send it back.

Wait. No, no, no.

I've heard about these.

Now, whenever you want hot food,

all you have to do
is press the buttons.

Oh.

So it's like the phone.

Hello.

I'm telling you, buddy, hard
as we work, we deserve a raise.

Let us in!

Oh, Griff, it's your turn.

All right.

You know, I could get a
trained chimp to do your job,

but it'd be a waste of a
perfectly good trained chimp.

Yeah, but it's such a
nice vacation for him

to get out of your bedroom.

By the way, I think
that is one lucky chimp.

Oh.

This year, we're going
to have a sales contest.

First place gets the raise.

Second place gets
a swift kick in the ass.

Why don't you give
us a real incentive?

Let the winner
kick you in the ass.

Instead of kicking my butt,
you should be kissing it.

Hey, what do you think
I look like, your monkey?

That stinks. Yeah.

Sorry, it's a tough
break, buddy.

What are you talking about?

Well, come on, Griff, you
can't compete with my charm.

I'm a natural-born salesman.

Excuse me... Hey!

Do I come to the hag shop,
bother you when you're working?

This contest is no contest.

You're going down, Bundy.

Let's rock, fat boy.

Your mama.

My wife.

You win.

No, I don't.

Mom, I'm telling you,
this microwave is broken.

Now, I keep pressing
the popcorn button

and no popcorn's coming out.

Well, try pressing

lamb, pork or veal.

Ah.

Wonder which one it will be.

Excuse me, Betty and Moronica.

You gotta put food in it first.

Well, then what good is it?

Oh, look, wait. I found
something way here in the back.

It's a little turtle.

Timmy Turtle?

You said he went
to go live on a farm,

where he had more
room to romp and play.

Well, honey, actually, uh,

Timmy Turtle had
a terrible disease,

and we decided to freeze
him until we could find a cure.

He has no head, Mom.

Well, that was his disease.

Well, do they have
a cure for that yet?

Well, when they
find a cure for that,

you'll be the first to know.

See you soon, Timmy. Heh. Okay.

Oh, look, here's a meatball.

Oh, put that in. Come on.

Oh, my God.

That meatball has eyes.

Timmy! Oh!

Oh. Well, that was fun. Yeah.

Ooh. I wonder what a
bigger head would do.

Oh, that's your father.

Quick, hide the microwave.

If he smells turtle brains,
he's gonna want dinner.

Go on.

Mm-mm-mm.

Something smells good.

Oh, gee, Al, I
saw that on Oprah.

Smelling things that
aren't really there

is the first sign
of a brain tumor.

Gee, Peg, I thought
that watching Oprah

was the first sign
of a brain tumor.

There it is, ma'am.

No waiting at Register 2.

Se habla español.

Free shoes.

Can you help me?

Madam, I would be delighted.

Do these shoes make me look fat?

Be honest.

No, they make you look very...

fat.

I'm sorry. I'm new at this.

May I add, that's
a lovely broach.

Or is it cud stain?

Score one more

for the Griff Express!

You know, Griff, because
I respect our friendship,

I'm willing to split
that raise right now.

Like I'm gonna fall for that.

Aw, come on, Griff.

We ought to make
Gary give us both a raise.

How? Well, I mean,

she must be doing
something illegal.

Yeah, but will the
monkey wear a wire?

Sign here, please, for
shoes from the sweatshop.

Uh, not now, kid. We're
trying to blackmail someone.

Please, hurry.

If I am late getting
back to the sweatshop,

they'll make we watch
Caroline in the City.

Kid, we're talking here.

Now, what can we
blackmail Gary with?

Excuse me, but I have to
get back to Gary's sweatshop.

Hey.

This kid just gave
me a great idea.

Long John Silver's for lunch?

No.

Don't you get it?

Sweatshop, blackmail.

Gary's going down.

Yeah.

Ah!

Okay. We got the camera,

the lapel mike

and the bulletproof underwear.

Hey, you didn't tell me to
bring any special underwear.

Yours are already bulletproof.

Right.

Hey, this spy stuff
makes me hungry.

Did you bring the Cheetos?

No. Too crunchy.

I brought gummy bears.

This is the most humiliating
thing I have ever done.

You obviously don't remember
your Little League tryouts.

Is the sombrero-cam ready?

Sí.

Bud, go in there and get
pictures of the horrible,

squalid working conditions.

Go on. Go on, go on, go on.

Keep it in your hat, Budro.

Now, I'm wearing the wire.

I'll get this guy to
incriminate himself.

All right, all right.

I'll go search the office
for damaging evidence.

Jefferson.

These two gummy
bears are doing it.

Shh.

Hi. I'm Bob Thompson.

Welcome to Happy Soles Footwear.

What can I do for you?

Uh, gummy bear?

Thank you. Heh.

I, uh, have an
underage worker for you.

Are you, uh, interested?

So you... You... You
would be interested in...

In exploiting this child

in your highly
illegal sweatshop.

You wanna clarify that?

He's nodding.

Uh, so would you
care to add anything

before we strike this
highly illegal bargain?

Yeah. These bears
appear to be doing it.

I said that!

Hey!

Who was that?

Why, that's Manny.

He's our VP of human resources.

He's in charge of orientation.

That seemed a little harsh.

Well, uh, here's
your finder's fee.

Dad!

Well, spare the
prod, spoil the child.

Hey, are you interested in
buying an older redhead?

Now, she's not go a good
worker, but she's a good breeder.

I wouldn't breed her,
but somebody could.

Sorry, but we're full up.

A pleasure doing
business with you.

Yeah, uh, you too.
Hey, uh, in the future,

uh, if I should come here
for my sweatshop needs,

should I go directly
to you or to your boss,

Gary,

from Gary's Shoes?

Whatever.

He said, "Whatever." Bingo.

Al, Al, look at the sl*ve wages

they pay these poor people.

They make more than me!

And they get gruel.

Dad-o!

Help-o!

Lots of blood-o!

All right, you chuckleheads,
this better be good.

I'm in the middle of a facial.

Well, turn around.
Let's see how it's going.

Look, we know you
run a sweatshop.

And we've got the proof.

All right.

You caught me
with my pants down.

Hey, enough about your facial.

Now, we have demands.

We want shorter working hours.

Uh, Al, that means you'd have
to spend more time at home.

We demand longer working hours.

No, we don't.

We want money.

Okay, you got me over a barrel.

Hey, who's
blackmailing who, here?

What I'm saying is: You
can have anything you want.

Two hundred and fifty bucks.

Each?

Yes.

I'll do it.

I'll bring you the
money tomorrow.

Today.

Okay, but I'll have to
miss my electrolysis.

Tomorrow.

It's almost ready.

Mom.

Mom, look at the clock.

I think we're going
backwards in time.

Well, maybe it can take
us back to before I met Al.

But then I wouldn't
have been born.

Not necessarily.

Oh, there's your Dad.

Hide the microwave.

Where?

Um, put it on my
side of the bed.

Lord knows, he'll never
find anything there.

Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh.

Peg... Peg, I...

I swear I smell food.

Now, you haven't been
eating around on me

behind my back, have you?

Al, I can't even breathe
behind your back.

Hey, what is that?
I heard a ding.

Uh, ringing in your ears.

That's the second
sign of a brain tumor.

You must be terminal.

Peg, you don't
have to cheer me up.

I've had a great day.

Well, Marcy, congratulations.

I didn't know you
were expecting.

Peggy, my oven is on the fritz,

and I was hoping you
could warm my giblets.

Mmm.

I thought that was your
husband's unfortunate job.

No. It's my job
to stuff the bird.

You know, Al, there
are so many things

that I could point
out right now.

Your receding hairline,
your depraved children...

Your chronically
unsatisfied wife.

Thank you, Peggy, but I
just think I'll keep it simple.

You're a shoe salesman.

Make that

shoe salesman/extortionist.

Al's boss runs an
illegal sweatshop

and he's blackmailing her.

Al Bundy, I have never
been so ashamed of you.

Oh, except for last night.

But we'll... You know,
we'll just keep that

between ourselves,

which was something
you weren't able to do, heh,

but let's not get into it,

which you know you
also had trouble with.

Okay, Peg.

All right. I'm sorry, Al.

I won't bring it up again.

Of course, up...

Al Bundy, you are a
despicable human being.

And you, Jefferson,
will be slaving away

in your own little
sweatshop tonight.

Well, Peg, since my ship
came in, I'm going out.

I think I'll bowl a few frames.

Uh, honey, why don't
you just stay home

and bowl me over?

Because, Peg, I prefer a place

where my balls are
returned properly.

Hi, pumpkin.

Hey, Daddy.

What are you
doing in the closet?

Th... Heh, okay,
this isn't the closet.

This is the, uh...

It's the elevator.

Alrighty.

Going up.

Boy, this day just keeps
getting better and better.

All right, b*at this.

Over the fountain,

off the Gap sign,

and right into that woman

grazing the Hickory
Barn sample bag.

What do I get if I knock
the salami out of her mouth?

A grateful salami.

Ow!

Hey, no fair banking
it off her forehead.

Oh, my God. It's Gary.

Which one of you
morons threw this shoe?

He did.

Ah. All right, you idiots.

Here's your hush money.

Where's the evidence?

Here.

There. Mm.

Ha.

Hey, this is fake money.

There's no such thing
as a hundred-dollar bill.

Here they are.

This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardinal.

Thanks to news
tipster, Marcy D'Arcy,

we have just discovered
that Gary's Shoes

uses sweatshop labor.

And if that isn't bad enough,

these shoes are hideous
and poorly constructed.

Speaking of hideous
and poorly-constructed,

meet Gary, owner
of Gary's sweatshop.

You are the one who's
exploiting these children?

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. What do
you have to say for yourself?

You can say I'm ugly.

You can say I'm untalented.

But don't you dare say

I don't care about the children.

Frank Gifford gave us more.

That's my money.

I blackmailed that
money, fair and square.

Give up, Al.

Uh... Uh... What about me, huh?

I'm exploited.

I'm... I'm overworked,
underpaid and malnourished.

And I've got a brain tumor.

Al, three things.

First:

Second, to have a brain tumor,

you have to have a brain.

And third, this
is not about you.

This is about these
poor, victimized children.

Thank you, señora.

Oh, watch the hook, Paco.

This is cashmere.

Oh, thanks, idiots.

I couldn't buy
publicity like this.

So you...? You're
gonna give us the raise?

Forget it. Since
I've been busted,

I'm cutting your
salaries in half.

Back to work, morons.

You heard the man.

Back to work.

Across the Orange
Julius to the Sunglass Hut,

to the NordicTrack store,

and right up Gary's
monkey-loving butt.

What kind of trashy
tramp would wear these?