11x03 - Kelly's Gotta Habit

[bunniefuu]

♪ Bad boys, bad boys
Whatcha gonna do ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do
When they come for you? ♪

♪ Bad boys, bad boys
Whatcha gonna do...? ♪

Man, I love COPS.

Yeah, definitely the
best show on FOX.

Yeah, like that's saying much.

The American
justice system at work.

b*ating the crap out of people
before judges let them go.

Almost makes me
want to pay taxes.

Or vote.

Ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha, vote.

You know, I could
have been a great cop.

Well, with my catlike
reflexes and keen senses.

I got eyes in the back
of my head, you know.

Peg.

Peg, could you keep it down?

We're trying to watch TV here.

Do you believe that
show is still on the air?

It's a classic. I love it.

Except for the stupid neighbors.

Yeah.

So use Extra
extra virgin olive oil.

It's 100 percent pure like me.

Not pure enough. Next!

Are you kidding?

Kelly is the perfect
spokesmodel for your olive oil.

No one is more innocent.

Hey, time out, boys.
My thong is riding up.

It's a chastity thong.

Young man, this is a
national advertising campaign.

Our spokesperson has to
be as pure as the oil itself.

Uh...

Sister Claire, I assure
you, K-Kelly is so pure

she makes Mother
Teresa look slutty.

I could tell you stories.

Really?

Sister, I hate to play
hard ball with you, but...

Sonny, I spend every day
wrestling with Beelzebub.

I think I can take
your best sh*t.

Well, Kelly's got a firm offer
from the Jehovah's Witnesses

to be their new watchtower girl.

So, what's it gonna be?

Sold.

I love putting the
screws to those jerks.

Deal?

But she will have to
sign this morals clause.

And remember, I
will be watching.

And so will he.

Hey. So did you get me the job?

Is the Pope Catholic?

How should I know?
Hello, I'm not really a nun.

No, but you play one on TV.

You got the job. Oh, my God.

You got the job. We're
gonna be rich. Yay me.

But, unlike your
bra, there's a catch.

See, you're gonna have
to sign this morals clause.

You have to be chaste.

Well, do I get a head start?

Kelly, to get a head start,
you have to have a head.

But my point is,

until the sister goes
back to the convent,

you have to act like
you're not interested in men.

Hm.

This is gonna be my
most challenging role yet.

Except, of course,
when I played Dino

in Flintstones in the Park.

Oh, yeah, big stretch.

You jumping a guy
and licking his face

as soon as he walks
through the door.

Excuse me. I had to play
a hyperactive dinosaur.

And that bitch Pebbles
kept trying to upstage me.

Kelly, can you please
try and concentrate?

If you can do this,
we can make $20,000.

Who needs men? Heh!

Well, except for
this one over here.

Hey.

What? You expect me
to just quit cold turkey?

I think I'm gonna need
a patch or something.

So let me get this straight.

You were sitting not
more than four feet away

while a criminal bound
and gagged your wife?

I feel terrible about it.

He took my lucky bowling shirt.

The one you've never washed?

You sure it didn't just
walk off on its own?

No, I think the shoulders
were a little broader.

The jaw was a
little more chiseled,

and there was a dimple.

There, that's him.

So you were robbed by a
pirate who looks like Brad Pitt?

Are you sure this is
who we're looking for?

Well, he's who I'm looking for.

Okay. For your insurance report,

we got you down
for a bowling shirt,

a Maserati and a Picasso.

Make that two Picassos.
Write one down for yourself.

Ha-ha.

Thanks, buddy.

Hey.

And, uh, speaking
of objects de art,

I'll, uh, see you at the
Jiggly Room on Saturday.

I can't go. I'm on duty.

What do you mean you can't go?

If you're not there, we
can't do the strip searches.

I know.

But that stupid show COPS
is following me around.

COPS?

You're gonna be on COPS?

It's my life's dream
to be on COPS.

But, Al, I work alone.

You lose three
partners in a week

and suddenly nobody
wants to ride with you.

I do. See, every great
cop works with another guy.

Um, Starsky and Hutch, two guys.

Jake and the Fatman, two guys.

Mm, Cagney & Lacey, two guys.

Uh, I don't know. Hey, Dan.

Does the captain know
you rent the patrol car out

for prom dates?

Pick you up at 8.

How did you develop
such a rich fantasy life?

How do you think?

Gee, thanks for such
a fun evening, sister.

I don't know Apostle
Bingo could be so exciting.

Well, tomorrow night
we're going to play

the mother superior's
favorite game.

What? Spin the Candlestick?

No. Messiah Mystery Date.

Will he be a dud,
or will he rise again?

Come on, sister, ahem, I'll
drive you back to your hotel.

If you're not home by midnight,

you might turn
into a Protestant.

That would never happen.
I am a Bride of Christ.

Wow, that must have
been a fancy wedding.

She's not the brightest
bead on the rosary, is she?

Oh, God.

Thank God.

Oh, hi, sweetie. Hi, Mom.

Hey, is something wrong?

Well, you wanna talk about it?

Oh, come on. Let's have a
little mother-daughter moment,

just like they do on TV.

Thanks, Mom.

It's really personal,

and it... It's kind
of embarrassing.

Oh, honey, you got your period.

Mom, I'm 25.

Well, don't be ashamed.

Every woman
develops differently.

You're just a late bloomer.

Mom, it's not my period.

Well, don't worry. It'll come.
I'm glad we had this talk.

No, no, Mom.
Wait, that's not it.

Well, don't tell me
you're pregnant.

I mean, what would
the neighbors think?

Me, a grandmother at 35.

Mars to Mom. I am not pregnant.

Well, honey, then what is it?

Bulimia?

Anorexia?

You found out
about Santa Clause?

What about Santa?

Oh, nothing.

Okay.

It's about not having sex.

Oh, my God, you got married.

No, Mom.

It's just that I'm having
a really hard time

with that morals
clause I told you about.

I miss boys.

Well,

you know what Grandma
w*nk*r always said.

"Pass the gravy"?

No.

"You gonna eat that skin"?

No.

But, actually, what's she's
talking about is chocolate.

Right. Whenever you feel
the urge, you take two of these

and call QVC in the morning.

Thanks, Mom, but I think
it's gonna be a long time

before I become that desperate.

Mm.

Mm.

These bonbons are great. Mm.

But you know, I can't get
my leg to stop twitching.

Oh, you get used to that.

Freeze, b*tches.

I haven't thought about
men once, I swear.

Damn. I always get this place
confused with a cr*ck house.

♪ Bad boys, bad boys ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do
When they come for you? ♪

♪ Bad boys, bad... ♪

Oh, baby.

Is that a night stick or are
you just happy to see me?

It's a night stick, Peg,
and I'm not afraid to use it.

Al, I thought we agreed you
weren't gonna carry a g*n.

Well, don't worry, I know
how to handle this thing.

That's what he said
on our honeymoon.

Let's ride.

This is great.

Car 54, where are you?

Al, we're car 54.

Hi. I'm Mike from
COPS. Nice to meet you.

Just act natural and
pretend I'm not here.

So, uh, why did
you become a cop?

It's in... It's in the blood.

Eh, my pop was a cop.
Top cop just like his pop.

Grandpop. Both top cops.

Make me stop.

As a cop, you're a flop.

So, uh, when did your
partner get sh*t in the head?

In about 30 seconds.

Now, just like all good cops,

we start every shift
with an equipment check.

Right. First, we check
to see if the safety's on.

It's not.

Sometimes we have
to make an example.

To who?

The remaining two spotted
owls in this hemisphere?

It's k*ll or be k*lled.

Let's ride.

Hey, Kel, how's it
going? It's going great.

I haven't thought
about men once.

You know, Mom was a big help.

She said that all I have to do
is just channel my frustrations

into arts and crafts.

Finished.

I call it Death of
a Shoe Salesman.

You're doing great, Kelly.
I really am proud of you.

Thanks, Bud.

Hey, you been working out?

Whoa.

Thank God.

Sister Claire.

I just dropped
you off at the hotel.

What are you doing here?

I was sitting in my hotel room

when I had a
haunting vision of sin.

You shouldn't have
ordered pay-per-view.

I mean, I thought there
might be sinning going on here.

Oh, what could make
you think such a thing?

Oh, we make these by the
thousands at the convent.

May I? Oh, of course.

The Pope has one
of my space needles.

Excuse me, sister,
the meter's running.

Do you want me to go or stay?

Stay. Go.

Hi. I'm Kelly.

And I'm off-duty.

Please, this commercial
could mean national exposure.

Oh, this is all the
exposure I want.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Look, I made Stonehenge.

Dear Lord, I thank
thee for my talents,

which are considerable.

And Lord,

bless these good, decent Bundys.

Lead them not into temptation

and deliver them
from evil. Amen.

Sinners.

No, sister, this... This
isn't what you think.

Hey, Bud, get your hands
off of him. I saw him first.

Lady, you are fired.

Wait, sister, sister.
She's not my only client.

Can you act? And
will you wear a dress?

No and yes.

I've seen more
action in a shoe store.

Not... Not that I...
Not that I work there.

No, I mean, I'm a cop
and a damn good one.

Attention patrol car 54,
there's a 6-3-3 in progress.

Finally.

We're on it. Floor it, Danno.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Let's be careful out there.

Help. Help. Someone help.

Help.

Ma'am, what seems
to be the problem?

It's my Stanley.
He's going to jump.

We've got a jumper.
Everybody stay calm!

Is your husband depressed?

I'll say. He's dead.

We've got a dead man up a tree.

No. Stanley's my cat.

A... A cat?

I became a cop to rescue cats?

Be careful. He's
very high-strung.

Ma'am, just step aside.
Let me handle this.

Call for backup.

Argh!

Officer down. Call 911.

Officer down. Officer down.

Quit, Stanley.

Stop playing
with that, it's dirty.

Who knows where it's been?

Don't pull.

Don't pull.

Man, how many doughnuts
can your partner eat?

I think he's near his record.

You can tell 'cause
the buttons on his shirt

are just about to pop.

You might wanna take cover.

Man, talk about the
ugly underbelly of society.

All right, that's
it. I'm out of here.

I haven't been on
a sh**t this lame

since COPS in Amish Country.

You mean, I'm not
gonna be on COPS?

Any available unit.
Burglary in progress

at 9766 Jeopardy Lane.

Hey, that's my neighbor.

That must be that punk
who stole my bowling shirt.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait... Wait a second.

Aren't you gonna
wait for your partner?

If you were in trouble,

would you want
me to wait for him?

You specifically? Yeah.

Strap yourself in, camera
boy. We're going for a ride.

Hi. This is Jefferson.

And Marcy.

Officer? Officer?

Don't sh**t.

We just saw the
burglar right next door.

You mean he tied you up

and smeared you
with marshmallow fluff?

Oh, that is sick.

Yeah.

The pervert.

Al, i-is that you? Why
are you dressed...?

She was hysterical. Clearly
needed to be subdued.

Yeah, whatever you say, chief.

This is gonna look
great on COPS.

Wait a minute. You
mean, I'm gonna be on TV

all covered in fluff?

Our work here is done.

Let's go get that punk.

Hey. Extra extra
virgin olive oil

now available virgin-free.

Take some home tonight.

This is Sodom and Gomorrah.

And I am not hiring
any of your harlot clients.

Hey.

Hey, Tina Yothers
is not a harlot.

She was the best
thing on Family Ties.

I preferred Skippy.

Young man, I insist you
take me back to my hotel.

Thanks, but, uh,
you're not my type.

Caught you, you dirt bag.

Give me back my bowling shirt.

Mike, you getting this?
This is my good side.

Are you kidding?
Nuns in an orgy.

Do you have any idea what
Hard Copy will pay for this?

There he is,
officer. Arrest him.

Yeah, book him.
No, not him. Him.

He destroyed my home,
he sh*t my cuckoo,

and he's not even a real cop.

Or a real father.

Or much of a host.

Or very photogenic.

Doesn't it mean anything

that I apprehended
this vicious criminal?

Yeah. It means that
you're going away

for impersonating an officer.

I hope you fry. Back at you.

Officer, can I have a
ride? Wait, wait, sister.

I-I just thought of
the most brilliant idea.

I have the perfect
client for your olive oil.

That's what you said before.

No, this time I'm
telling you the truth.

I mean, she's beautiful,
her schedule is open,

and I promise you complete
and total abstinence.

So use Extra
extra virgin olive oil.

It's 100 percent pure. Like me.

I can't believe
it. You were right.

She is perfect.

So the deal's still on?

Absolutely.

Next.

Ma.

What kind of agent are you?

That commercial
was perfect for me

and you sent in your mother?

Tina, baby, I got
bigger plans for you.

Right, like that last
great job you got me

playing Pebbles in
Flintstones in the Park?

Well, you said you wanted
to return to the stage?

That was a lame
gig. It rained all week

and that bitch Dino
kept trying to upstage me.

I've had it with
you. You're fired.

Tina, I-I thought you
were happy with me?

Bud, I'm sure this isn't the
first time you've heard this.

I faked it.