11x05 - Requiem for a Chevyweight: Part 2

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Married... With Children". Aired: April 5, 1987 – June 9, 1997.*
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Follows Al Bundy, a once-glorious high school football player turned women's shoe salesman; his lazy wife, Peggy; their beautiful, dumb and popular daughter, Kelly; and their smart, horny and unpopular son, Bud.
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11x05 - Requiem for a Chevyweight: Part 2

Post by bunniefuu »

Nice turnout, isn't it, Peg?

Well, it's not every
day the village idiot

buries his car in the backyard.

I can't believe we're
actually in mourning.

Well, I don't know about you,

but over here it's
3:00 in the afternoon.

Whoo!

Marcy, you're here.

I'm touched.

Well, I'm just glad that
eyesore is finally gone.

Now, if we can just find
someplace to bury your house.

How about the same place
I'm about to bury my foot?

You know, Al, my Mercedes
sends her sympathy.

She wanted to come,

but the Bergmans' Volvo
is having a bar mitzvah.

Al, we've had some
great times in this car.

I think my favorite was the time
we tried to run down my ex-wife.

She outran us, but the
Dodge gave it her best sh*t.

Mrs. Peg Bundy would
now like to say a few words.

Thank you, Peg.

My husband is a moron.

Thank you.

That was beautiful,
Mama, really.

See how you do when
Oprah checks out.

Twenty-five years ago

a young man of endless
promise was going places.

All he needed was
a way to get there.

He found it on a
used-car lot on Route 12.

And through the years,

the journey had some
unexpected turns,

and some unwanted passengers.

There are several kinds of love.

One kind of love begins with

misplaced lust.

And degenerates
into a raging hell

of misery and despair!

But I digress.

Then there's the kind of love
that only turns on when asked,

and performs beautifully.

The kind of love that
makes you feel young

when you go for a ride.

Farewell, my sweet
chariot of youth.

Don't you think throwing dirt
on the Dodge is a bit redundant?

Why? Why? Why?

Hi, Peg.

I'm gonna plant
these on her grave.

You never bring me flowers.

I would if you d*ed.

Hello? Oh, Gunther.

Look, I told you
for the last time,

I can't get you that engine.

Yeah, the dummkopf buried it
in the backyard two days ago.

Ten thousand dollars?
On Monday? Deal.

Uh, oh, I gotta go.

Auf Wiener schnitzel.

Hey, I want a car that talks.

Look, this one knows 20 words.

Mm, that's 10
more than you, Kel.

That's not true, Bud
Bundy, you stupid little...

pervert.

Dad, you should see some
of these new cars in here.

Ghouls.

Can't you at least wait
until the body is cold?

Oh, come on, Daddy.

Now, don't you think the Dodge
would want you to be happy?

Look at that. Yeah, Dad.

I mean, she'd want you to get
out there and see other cars.

Yeah, Al. You know, if I
d*ed, I'd want you to remarry.

Yeah, like I'm gonna
make that mistake twice.

Besides, we can't
afford a new car.

Oh, that's not
necessarily true, Dad.

You see, I took liberty of
giving some of your records

to a financial advisor.

Now, Bud, you know
I don't like people

poking around
into my private stuff.

Boy, if I had a nickel for every
time I've heard you say that.

Dad, don't worry.

I gave them to someone who
has your best interest at heart.

Hi, everybody.

Well, Al, I've gone through
your financial records,

and on behalf of the
entire banking profession,

let me just say:

Well, I'm glad I was able

to give your banking
buddies a good laugh.

Oh, not just bankers, Al.

Everybody down at the
supermarket and the car wash.

Even the homeless guy
that lives on the corner.

Oh, that reminds me.

Sad Willie wanted
you to have this.

But don't worry, Al, I've
crunched the numbers

and I think I've come up

with the best means
of transportation for you.

You missed me, you missed me!

Ow!

I got you, I got you!

How dare she tell us what
we can or cannot afford.

It is my God-given
American right

to rack up as much
debt as possible.

Kids, to the auto mall.

Now, kids, stand back
and watch the old man work.

You know, sales is
the ultimate duel of wits.

Dad's dead.

Howdy. I'm Cal.

Hi, Cal. I'm Al.

Listen, uh, Cal, before you
start your dog-and-pony show,

you should know that
I've been in ladies' shoes

for well over 25 years.

Well, I'm wearing
panties, so let's deal.

No, I... I meant that
I sell ladies' shoes.

Oh, heh-heh.

I... I was just
pulling your leg.

Well, you're not gonna
pull anything of mine.

Now, look, Cal, all I need
here is basic transportation.

Oh, well, I got
just the car for you.

The all-new '97 Kiwi.

Oh...

Look, Bud,

it's perfect for you
and Mrs. Thumb.

It gets great gas mileage.

Yeah, Dad, if you
do run out of gas,

just pick it up, take it home.

It's a lot roomier
than it looks.

Cal, I'm starting
to cramp up here.

Could you get me out of here?

Oh, what was I thinking?

A man of your strapping
muscular physique in a Kiwi.

Hey, did you play pro ball?

Well, I... I could have, but I
had a career-ending accident.

Knee? Marriage.

No, but I played four
years at Polk High.

"Touchdown" Bundy,
they used to call me.

Polk High's Al Bundy?

You, sir, were my idol.

And because of that, I'm gonna
give you our red-carpet lease.

Uh, now... Now, Cal.
Now, wait a minute, now.

No, you're not gonna
sucker me into no lease.

Oh, that's too bad,

because with a
lease, you could afford

the all-new Testica 2000.

You know, with all due
respect to the Dodge,

these brakes sure come in handy.

Yeah, it's nice not having
to throw out the anchor.

And... And you can choose
which way you're gonna turn.

Now, what do they call
this fancy sound system?

FM.

Man, I can't wait to hear
what the chicks have to say

when I pull up in
this babe magnet.

Well, my guess would be:

"Hey, look at that
pathetic little dweeb

driving his dad's car."

Al, nice wheels.

But you have to realize
stealing cars is a felony.

So is pretending to be that
kid on Home Improvement.

Hey, Mrs. D'Arcy,
it has seat warmers.

Really. Feel my tush, it's warm.

I'll take a rain check.

Hey, you better
grab it while you can.

It's her busy season.

No offense, Al,

but how can a shoe-selling
moron afford a Testica 2000?

Well, your Kentucky friedness,

I leased it.

Got a real good deal too.

For them.

You signed a 20-year lease

with a balloon
payment at the end.

Well, my... My pal Cal
said that smart people lease.

Yeah, to stupid people.

Oh, she's just jealous, Daddy.

She wishes she had
a shiny red testicle.

That's Testica.

Arrivederci.

So, uh, where's...?
Where's my keys to the car?

I don't even like you
having a key to the house.

Now, go on, get out of here.

You're using up all
the new-car smell.

Ah, alone at last.

Who would have thought a punk
kid from the streets of Chicago

would wind up with
a beauty like you?

We're gonna live
happily ever after.

Don't panic, kids.

Daddy bought a lime.

And he fathered a vegetable.

I think I can fix it,

but I gotta look in
the owner's manual.

Why don't you try looking
under X, for exorcism?

I bet you anything he
forgot the seat warmers

were stuck on broil.

Good night, Daddy.

Bud, help me.

Well, I would, Dad, but you...

You told me to keep my
hands off your Testica.

♪ I've been working ♪

♪ In the backyard ♪

♪ All the livelong day ♪

Hey, Mom.

Oh, hi, kids.

What are you doing there, Mom?

Uh, sleep-shoveling.

Oh, hey, we're not
supposed to wake her up.

Yeah, I know
what's going on here.

That dealer in Germany called

and upped his offer
for the engine, didn't he?

Hey. Now, either you cut
us in or I'm gonna tell Mom.

Dad.

Him too.

You blackmailing
your own mother?

Oh, kids, I'm so
darn proud of you.

There's no way you're getting

your grubby little
mitts on my loot.

Dad!

All right, all right, all right.

Just get in here
and start shoveling.

We've got 12 hours to
get that engine to Germany.

Come on.

Ah...!


Ow! Oh!

Damn seat warmers.

Now, folks, this is
a perfect family car.

Put a roof rack on it,

and this little tyke
can ride in style.

Excuse me, Cal, remember
me? Uh, Al Bundy.

Uh, sorry, doesn't ring a bell.

No... "Touchdown"
Bundy, you know, Polk High.

You said I was your idol.

You?

Uh, excuse me, sir,
I'm with a customer.

Uh, excuse me, Cal, but,
see, you sold me a lemon.

Oh, uh, that's impossible.

All the hair on my
butt's b*rned off!

I'm telling you, the
electrical system in that car's

all messed up.

No problem, sir.

That's covered by the
extended-warranty contract.

No, but see... See...
See, I was too smart to buy

the extended-warranty contract.

Oh, Al, you should
have listened to Cal.

I did listen to you.

Now I've got a
worthless Testica!

Calm down. I am calm.

But I'm demanding
you look at my Testica.

If you don't calm yourself,
you're gonna have to leave.

Well, I... I'm not leaving
here empty-handed.

Oh, well, I wouldn't
think of that.

Now, Cal, I'm telling you,

if you don't give
some satisfaction,

this is gonna be your
panty-wearing head.

Oh!

Ah, Jefferson, my old adversary.

Fidel, mi compadre.

Still with the CIA?

No, no. When I couldn't
k*ll you, they fired me.

Oh, sorry. But you
still got the moves.

That's what the wife says.

You married the kid
from Home Improvement?

Aye, carumba.

I guess I did.

Oh, well. She's got
money, she buys me things.

Ha! So did Russia, and
look what that got us.

El presidente...

Ah.

You, uh... You still have a
bunch of old American cars

lying around the island?

Thousands.

Damn trade embargo.

Damn Kennedy.

Damn Steve Allen.

What does Steve Allen got
to do with trade embargo?

Nothing. I just hate him.

Well, listen, I've got a
friend, his name's Al Bundy.

He's got an old Dodge and...
And he needs a new fuel pump.

May I ask your people's help?

What's in it for me?

America's greatest export.

Huh?

SnackWell's.

Oh, I've heard about these.

Comrades, mi familia,

I need your help.

There is a man:

Al Bundy is his name.

A poor man, a needy man.

Needier than us?

Sí, he's middle-aged
and sells shoes at the mall.

What is a mall?

It's a large group of stores

with an endless supply
of affordable merchandise.

And a food court.

We want a mall!

Now you see what you made me do?

Fidel, I... I can't believe

you could have somebody
sh*t just by doing that.

Oh, no. Dad's home.

Well, stall him.

Hey, Dad.

Damn Testica.

I miss the Dodge.

I think I'll go pay my respect.

No, Dad, Dad. Let it go.

It's just a shell out there.

What's inside has
gone up to heaven.

We got it. We found
your fuel pump.

You did? You're gonna
bring the Dodge back to life?

I'm a Dodge specialist,
not a miracle worker,

but I'll do all I can.

Dad, it's too late.
Just... Just accept it.

Now, Mr. Bundy, I need to get
to the car as fast as possible.

Bud, Bud, get your mother
and your sister. Start digging.

Good work.

What is taking so long?

I wish there was
something I could do.

You... You could take
me to the emergency room.

I'm... I'm... I'm seeing double.

Here, here, here,
here. Read a Big 'Uns.

Ooh, four 'uns.

I can't believe I lost $10,000.

I thought you said it was 7.

Whatever.

Well, Mr. Bundy,
I did all I could.

Now it's up to
her to pull through.

Can I see her?

Of course, but she
may not recognize you.

She's been through
a lot, you realize.

Her appearance may shock you.

Doc, you see what I
wake up to each morning.

Now, remember, she'll
need plenty of garage rest

and a low-octane diet.

Jefferson, no
matter what happens,

I can never repay you
for what you've done.

Just buy me a six-pack of beer.

Which part of "never
repay" don't you understand?

Mr. Bundy, I'm sorry.

I failed you.

What do you mean, failed?

She hasn't sounded this
good since the day I bought her.

Why? Why? Why?

I'm so glad you're back.

And I just want you to know,

I never loved that
flashy red hussy.

Or... Or the new car either.

Hey, Cal!

Your pal Al has a
little present for you!
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