11x07 - The Juggs Have Left the Building

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Married... With Children". Aired: April 5, 1987 – June 9, 1997.*
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Follows Al Bundy, a once-glorious high school football player turned women's shoe salesman; his lazy wife, Peggy; their beautiful, dumb and popular daughter, Kelly; and their smart, horny and unpopular son, Bud.
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11x07 - The Juggs Have Left the Building

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey, Al, have you
seen my curling iron?

Now, Peg, think.

Why would I take something
that makes you look better?

Now, stop bothering
me. I'm on vacation.

You know, that one
week out of the year

I get to sit on my butt,

allowing yours to
experience light and air.

You know, honey,
what we need to do

is take a family vacation.

Don't you want your kids to
have at least one happy memory

besides your funeral?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Peg, you gonna bury
me when I'm dead?

Dead, napping,
not looking. Ha-ha!

Once again,

I have to deliver your mail

just because the mailman
is afraid of getting att*cked.

Our dog doesn't bite.

It's not the dog he's afraid of.

Oh, Peg, not again.

We just got the pizza
boy to drop the charges.

Oh, look, my travel
brochure came.

Well, no, why would you send
away for a travel brochure?

You know I never
take you anywhere.

Al, I wanna go to
Branson, Missouri,

entertainment capital of, uh...

Missouri.

Peg, I can't take you
on a vacation now,

because Larry,
there, would miss us.

That's Lucky.

And I'd be happy to feed him.

To what?

Do you think that if I could
afford a family vacation

I would take this family?

"Come try our vein-clogging,

heart-stopping,
all-fried buffet."

All-fried?

Even the lettuce?

Oh, but look, Al, I
guess we can't go.

The rooms only have twin beds.

Peg, saddle up, lasso the
young'uns, we're Branson-bound.

[♪♪♪]

AL: Yeah.

I told you we'd
make it to Branson

on less than a gallon of gas.

Oh, please.

You chained our car to the
back of a Greyhound bus.

[LAUGHS]

[COUGHING]

Dad, why can't we
just have suitcases

like normal people?

Well, we did, till the handles
came off those detergent boxes.

[RINGS]

Howdy. Welcome to
the Deliverance Inn.

You'll squeal like a
pig at our hospitality.

Especially you.

We're on a family vacation,

and we want the best
accommodations 20 bucks

and these aluminum
cans will buy.

May I suggest the
Ned Beatty suite?

There's a back door.

Dad, I-I wanna go home now.

What do you mean, you
wanna go home? It's great here.

We've only been here 10
minutes, you made a new friend.

We'll take it.
Where's my wallet?

Howdy, y'all.

Oh, God, the gift shops.

Al, it is worth all your money.

The salesgirl says it's
a Bransonie original.

One of a kind.

[CHUCKLES]

Now what are we gonna do?

First, thank your mother

for finding a new
way to ruin our lives.

BOTH: Thanks, Mom.

And second, this
vacation is over.

Now, help me push the
car back to the bus station.

When does the next
bus to Chicago leave?

Tomorrow.

Which means you can join us
for our complimentary canoe trip.

Oh. I can't believe they
didn't lock their door.

Would you lock a landfill?

Oh, poor Lucky.

Look, he's so hungry, he's
chewing on one of Peggy's bras.

[JEFFERSON CHUCKLES]

Yeah, well, he's probably
looking for crumbs.

[LAUGHS]

Well, Jefferson, let's go home.

It's Saturday night, and
you know what that means.

The Romanian coach
and the limping gymnast?

We did that last week.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, hey, how about
Woody and Soon-Yi?

Too much talking. Yeah.

I wanna do something
really different.

Something dirty,

and trashy...

and cheap.

[AS AL] Peg!

I'm home.

[AS PEG] Hi, Al.

Gee, where's dinner?

Ah. Working its way
through my small intestine.

I'm surprised any part of
your body is willing to work.

[CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Whoever
thought being them could be so much fun?

[AS PEG] Al.

I want you to come upstairs

and try to last longer
than a new Fox sitcom.

[AS AL] Peg, I don't want to.

Who cares what you want?

Pleasure me, shoe drone.

[GRUNTS]

Okay. I got some
more pennies, Dad.

Forget the pennies,
go for the quarters.

Hey, there's a silver
dollar out there.

Go on out there and get it, Bud.

Go out there and get
it. Dad, I'm drowning!

Ah, you big baby.

Brain damage doesn't
set in for four minutes.

Ask your sister.

What kind of idiots would throw
good money into a fountain?

I hope we meet
somebody really famous

like, uh, Tammy Wynette.

Spit out the fish. Spit it up.

Either we all eat
or none of us eat.

I can't breathe.

I know CPR.

Dollar ninety-eight,

dollar ninety-nine.

Gentlemen, start your
fryers, I'm buffet-bound.

Hey. Hey, you.

Mama, I'm hungry now.

Well, get out your
snack, dumpling.

Haven't you ever
heard of sugarless gum?

Oh, no, Mama says
that's the devil's candy.

Sorry, folks, we're closed.

What do you mean you're
closed? You let them in.

And now we've
reached our weight limit.

Oh, Peg, I'm starving.

This is just like being
at home but with fringe.

Oh, now, Al, so
we don't get to eat.

I mean, this is Branson.

I'm sure we can find
something else fun to do.

Like what? Like sneaking
into Hicks on Ice?

Where are we
gonna sleep tonight?

I'm cold, I'm soaked.

The desk clerk just
offered to blow-dry me.

Well, you guys are on
your own. I'm covered.

Hey.

Sweetheart, I'm
surprised at you.

Where have you been?

Come on, Daddy,
I'm not that kind of girl.

I was just gonna slip them
a Mickey and roll them.

That's my pumpkin. Hee-hee!

Hey, now, wait a minute.
Nobody's rolling anybody.

We're on vacation.

BUD: Look, they're having a
country music talent contest tonight.

Yeah, and the
first prize is $500.

Why don't we enter? 'Cause
we don't have any talent.

Dad, what are you talking about?

Bud here does a
solo act every night.

Although he hasn't
won a contest for it

since the Cub Scouts, but...

Hey, Al, this talent show
could save our vacation.

We don't know anything
about country music.

We're just poor, simple folk

with busted dreams
and a broken Dodge

driving down the
turnpike of tears.

Let's have a hand
for our last entry.

A new mother and
daughter singing sensation,

the Juggs.

[GUITAR PLAYING
UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪ Rockin' in the rhythm
Of the rain that's falling ♪

♪ Nightbirds are singing
The crickets are calling ♪

♪ Oh, my heart Will
never be the same ♪

♪ Whisper in my ear,
baby Ooh, feels so fine ♪

♪ Nights like this Come
once in a lifetime ♪

♪ Me and my baby ♪

♪ Rockin' in the
rhythm Of the rain ♪

♪ Me and my baby ♪

♪ Rockin' with the
rhythm Of the rain ♪

♪ Me and my baby ♪

♪ Rockin' with the
rhythm Of the rain ♪

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

Well, pickle my eggs.
We got us a winner.

The Juggs.

BOTH: We won, we won!

They won, they won.

Three, four, five
hundred dollars!

Actually, I handle the
Juggs. I'm Pa Jugg.

I... I created the Juggs.

Hey, Jughead, I had
to sleep with these jugs

to create that jug.

Not only are you gonna open for
Tammy Wynette tomorrow night

in the big room, but if
she takes a shine to you,

she'll take you on
her next world tour.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I always wanted
to drive to Europe.

Oh, my God! Ha-ha!

And I'm gonna make millions
and see the Great Mall of China.

I'll audition the backup
singers and learn to say:

"Uh, can we try it topless?"
in 40 different languages.

Hey, in Japanese it's:

[SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

[AS PEG] Al.

Get me some bonbons.

[AS AL] Get them yourself.

Pathetic loser. Human tar pit.

Take me.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, I finally
understand why they're still married.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yeah. Okay, I
think we've hit all the Bundy basics.

What's left? Well, uh,

[AS AL] we haven't let the dog

detail the D'Arcy's
Mercedes lately.

[CHUCKLES]

[AS PEG] Let's do it.
Who's gonna stop us?

That candy-ass Jefferson?

Or Marcy, that
pinstriped henpecker.

Do you ever wonder why
that lazy parasite, Jefferson,

can never hold down a job?

Other than being Marcy's
human rotisserie, and trust me,

whatever she's paying
him, it's not enough.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Jefferson,
you went past the safe place.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, I-I'm sorry, lambykins.

You're so good at this,
I... I got carried away.

So you were just
role-playing? Of course.

[AS AL] Get away from me, Peg.

You hopeless Oprah-holic.

[AS PEG] Oh, Al.

Peg... Mmph!

Oh, Peg.

There's my little
musical meal ticket.

Now, look what I
had made up for you.

KELLY: They're great, Daddy.


Compliments of
Ms. Tammy Wynette.

You know, Al, I'm so
excited about going on tour,

but I hate the thought of
leaving you at home for a year.

Your career comes first,
pooky. I don't mind sacrificing.

Mom, Kelly,

Tom Arnold.

Hey, he earned his money.

I, as your agent, your creator,
the sole reason you exist,

would like to present
to you your future.

[PEG & KELLY GASP]

KELLY: Oh, my God.

Ninety-nine cent
shrimp cocktails.

Hey, what's the big deal?
Anybody can put up a sign.

I got your name mentioned
in the Branson Bugle.

Let me see this.

This is so low.

You're both six months
pregnant by Billy Ray Cyrus.

Really? Well, then how come
Mom's showing and I'm not?

I am not showing.

And you're grounded.

Calm down, Mom.
It's bad for the baby.

Hello?

Kelly, you're not
really pregnant.

Whew, we squeaked by
that one, hey, Mom? Whew!

Bud, you got that
sign all wrong.

I shouldn't be your mother.

That's what child welfare said.

Why can't Kelly be the mom?

I can't be your mother.

I mean, that would make
me my own grandmother.

Well, we are in Branson.
These things happen.

Why are you taking her side?

Now, you told me that I
was the talented, pretty one.

Hey, and you told me that
that stupid, cheap blond

was holding me back.

Wait, you added a stupid,
cheap blond to the act?

Why wasn't I told? Hello.

Now, see, that's the reason
why you shouldn't be the manager.

You are driving a wedge
between the Juggs.

You're fired.

You can't fire me.

Only they can fire me.

You're fired. You're fired.

Fine. And you know what?

You can go on the
road with them, Dad.

You see, it's bad ideas
like that got you fired.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi.

I'm Tammy Wynette,

and I just wanted to stop by
and meet my new opening act.

Hi.

Which Jugg are you?

Oh, uh, she's the junior Jugg.

And she's the Jurassic Jugg.

Now, now, girls, girls, girls.

I'm Colonel Jugg,

and it's a thrill to
meet you, Ms. Wynette.

Oh, yeah. We just
love your music.

As a matter of fact, Al
and I can't make love

without listening to your CD.

Well, as long as
you're listening.

Well, she listens. I
stare at your picture.

I'm delighted and
disgusted at the same time.

Well, now you know
what sex with Al is like.

I just think it would be so cute

to have a mother
and daughter duo

to open up my show.

Well, you know, actually,
we're more like a sister act.

Oh, you do comedy too?

Colonel, handle this.

Hey, you guys, I have an idea.

Ms. Wynette can be our mother.

Yeah. No, I can't.

Well, you don't have
to decide right now.

Take 'em on the road for a year.

Give 'em a try, free of charge.

Hey, what kind of
manager are you?

Yeah, Daddy.

You're fired. Bud, handle this.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Tammy, babe.

Let me put it to you this way.

You give my girls
your best sh*t,

and I'll give you my best sh*t.

But I thought you were
dating the desk clerk.

I read it in the Branson Bugle.

Damn you, Dad. [LAUGHS]

Tammy, the colonel
has a better idea.

Why don't you just take me?

I mean, I can't dance,
sing, or play an instrument,

but how tough can that be?

Besides, I look
great in this outfit.

Forget it, forget
it. The deal's off.

Oh, Lord, save me
from the wannabes.

Now, you can call
us a lot of things.

You can call us
worthless, lazy, sloppy...

And that's just the wife.

Right.

But the one thing you
can't call us is wannabes.

We may not be big
country superstars

with a big fancy house or
a car that runs or food or...

Oh, my God, we
don't have anything.

Not true, son.

Lady, we have something
that you'll never have.

What? Worse foot
odor than Boxcar Willie?

Okay two things.
The odor, of course,

but, uh, more importantly,
the security of knowing

that we can never fail
because we never try.

Yeah.

You people are nuttier than
a pecan log at Stuckey's.

Well, now what do we do?

I suppose you're going
to blame this on me.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Excuse me, folks.

Seeing as how you're no
longer on Miss Wynette's tab,

how do you propose
to settle this bill?

[KELLY SIGHS]

Great vacation, Peg.

I think the highlight had to be

begging for gas on the corner
of Tony Orlando and Dawn.

Quit complaining.

At least you didn't
have to take a canoe trip

with the desk clerk.

By the way, Bud, I
gave him our address.

Well, he said he
wanted to write you.

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Well, as
soon as someone learns him his letters.

You know, I thought
it was great vacation.

I mean, we went to Branson
and told off Tammy Wynette.

It's kind of like
going to Disneyland

and giving Mickey the finger.

MARCY [AS PEG]: Al!

Get back here.
We're not finished yet.

Oh...

Yes, we are.

Hi.

What you doing?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, it's...

just a long, boring story.

Does it end with, "We're
degenerate perverts"?

Oh, so you've
heard this one. Bye.

Hey, Mom, Dad, wait up. Wait...

Kelly!

[♪♪♪]
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