11x11 - Bud on the Side

[bunniefuu]

Peg, I got a problem.

Nails drying.

For once, why couldn't it
be pie cooling, bread baking?

Divorce pending?

Look, Al, I am up
from noon till Oprah,

solving this family's problems

and now I'm tired. I need a nap.

Kelly, come hold my hands up.

Uh, Dad.

Now, I'll listen to your problem
if you help me with mine.

Son, your problems are simple.

Just avoid liquids past 9:00.

Dad, I'm not 16
anymore, all right?

Life is a little
more complicated.

I'm having serious girl trouble.

Well, me too, Bud, and
it's gonna remain that way

unless the couch
suddenly develops

a taste for human flesh.

Dad, please.

Now, lately I can't get
any girl to go out with me.

Oh, now, Bud, I find
that hard to believe.

I mean, look at you.

But then again, looks
aren't everything.

Personality is important,
so we'll skip that.

So basically, you have
nothing to offer a woman.

Son, what you have to
do is lower your standards.

Think desperate.
Think a single version

of your mother.

Thanks, Dad, thanks.

Now I never, ever, ever
want to have sex again.

Welcome to the club, son.

Let's talk about my problem.

My boss, Gary, is
crankier than ever.

She's been riding me
like a cheap carnival pony.

"Wait on the customers,
ring up the bills, don't steal."

What a shrew.

You know, Bud, this
father-son stuff ain't bad.

We ought do this more often.

[♪♪♪]

So are you, uh,

gonna settle on those, ma'am?

They look beautiful on you.

Don't try those high-pressured
sales tactics on me.

I really thought this mule
would look better in white.

I bet that's what her husband
said on her wedding day.

Do you have it in black?

Ma'am, I would really
love to help you now

but I just went on break.

Well, what about him?

Sorry, ma'am,
I'm still on break.

And just when exactly
is your break over?

Well, it was going to
be another 30 seconds

but now that I just
helped a customer,

I got to start all over.

Rules are rules.

You know what we
need, Griff? Hm?

A break room.

So we won't be bothered
by these hammertoed hags.

Men, I need to speak with you.

See what I mean?

Oh, let me take a wild
guess. You're on a break?

Don't interrupt us, or
we'll have to start over.

You two are completely useless.

We've noticed that ourselves.

We don't feel that
we're properly motivated.

Do you know what
would motivate us?

A cattle prod?

Well, yes, that, of course

but I was thinking more

in the line of a break room.

Oh, yes, a break room.

And I could throw
in a big screen TV

and a fridge full of beer.

Hey...

you're the boss.

Yes, I am.

And before I build you
that dreamy break room

we're going to
find out why sales

are down 500 percent this year.

In today's
international economy?

Women are walking less?

Nice try. Sit down, shut up.

We three are going
to go over the books.

Boy, that was close.

We almost got busted.

Yeah. Good thing we
don't keep any books.

Come on.

Dad, I'm here.

Looks good from here.

I was just looking for my dad.

Interesting place to look.

Maybe I should go find him.

Oh, no rush. No rush.

Well, well, well, young
Bud Bundy. Let's see.

I haven't seen you since
I threw your family out

of the company picnic.

You have certainly turned into

a handsome young man.

Your girlfriend is a
very lucky woman.

Actually, I don't
have a girlfriend.

Really?

I would have
guessed that the ladies

would be jumping all over
a stud muffin like yourself.

Well, you know, I bag my share.

You know, I don't really
want to be tied down.

Well, don't knock
it till you've tried it.

I think I hear my
daddy calling me.

Where's the fire,

besides in my secret places?

Um, what...? What are you doing?

You.

But... But you...

Don't fight it, Bud.

Well, you could
fight it a little.

You are a genius, Al.

I can't believe
that that worked.

When you tell a retired
couple their house is on fire

finishing their breakfast
just isn't a priority.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Mom, Dad. What
are you two doing up?

Looks like somebody had
a slumber party last night.

So it looks like you
took your dad's advice

and found yourself a
desperate one, huh?

What makes you think that?

Beer and Tang.

Bundy mimosas.

Must be a classy chick, son.

Yes, and she's painfully shy.

So why don't you
two head on upstairs,

and you can have
breakfast in bed.

Oh, he thinks

we're going to embarrass him.

Come on, son, we're
not going to scare away

a girl who's kind enough
to hang out with you.

GARY: Hurry up with
these mimosas, Love Bud.

I want to get out of
here before your pa...

[SCREAMS]

Daddy. Daddy, wake up.

Daddy.

Honey, let me do it. Daddy.

Al, wake up.

[GROANS]

Son touching monster in jammies.

Daddy, don't worry about it.

Now, Bud is
downstairs helping Gary

into her corrective
undergarments.

[SOBS]

It's naked in the basement.

Al, would you relax?

You told Bud to find
someone desperate.

Well, when I said "aim low,"

I didn't think he'd
excavate the tar pits.

I don't know what
the big deal is.

I mean, lots of old rich people
like to date younger men.

Look at Cher, Roseanne,

Richard Simmons.

You're doing this to hurt
me, aren't you, Gary?

You had it in for
me since day one.

Bundy, as much
as you deserve it,

I am not doing this for revenge.

I am doing it because

I am genuinely attracted to Bud.

Oh, right, like I'm
supposed to believe that.

You obviously
don't know your son.

He's a wonderful human being.

Who's his real father?

Well, it's Al, but you know,

that night I was thinking
about Lyle Waggoner.

Old people always try to destroy

what they can't understand.

Man, parents just
don't get it, do they?

[GROANS]

It's all my fault.

Oh, honey, don't blame yourself.

You're right, Peg.

It's all your fault.

You scarred him, Peg.

How could I have scarred him?

I don't even remember
talking to him.

Peg, I'm telling
you, he's looking

for the mother he never had.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Blow.

Good boy.

So I told that punk
son of my mine

and his gargoyle girlfriend

I never wanted to see
them together again.

You better not turn around.

Looks like Bud can't get enough

of that hot gargoyle love.

Bud is dead to me.

Damn.

Al, look at your son go.

I have no son.

Those two were knocking
boots right in your basement?

I have no basement.

You guys on a break?

Good for you.

Oh, Piglet,

I almost forgot.

I got you a present.

Thank you, Pooh Bear.

If they start talking
about the honey pot,

I got dibs on the sink.

Monogrammed beeper? [GIGGLES]

What... What for?

For when I need you.

I may not be available.

I mean, I do have
a life of my own.

Oh, isn't that cute, Piglet.

And just remember,
when it reads 911,

Pooh Bear needs you bad.

Say hello to Kanga
and Roo for me.

What did you throw that for?

Because the cash
register's bolted down.

Al, lighten up.

You didn't have a
problem when Kelly dated

that wealthy older man.

I wouldn't have a problem if
Bud dated a wealthy older man.

Anybody but Gary.

Hey, Al.

I was in the tanning bed

and, uh, I heard about
Bud and Gary, huh?

It's all over the mall.

Let me guess.
You're all for it, right?

Natch.

Who cares if Gary's
a tarantula in Chanel?

I've seen worse.

You married worse.

Exactly.

Don't you see
the beauty of this?

Now that Bud has
hitched his trailer

to Gary's sagging bumper

you're in for a long
ride on easy street.

No, no, no good
can come of this.

Where do you want
this fridge full of beers?

Wherever. You don't
understand a father's feelings.

This is the worst thing
that's happened to me.

Hey, where do you want this TV?

I don't care. Put
it near the fridge.

I'm telling you, there's
not a power on Earth

that would make me
accept this unholy union.

Gary sent us here to build
you guys a break room.

But on second thought

who am I to get in the way
of two crazy kids in love?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Cheers!

Oh, no.

Maybe this Bud and
Gary thing is all my fault.

Look, it says right here,

"What a mother
does affects a child."

Kelly, was I a bad mother?

I don't know. Whose
mother are you?

Yours.

Oh. Then were you terrible.

Who are you to judge?

Hey, don't you
remember that time

I made you a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich?

Mom, it was petroleum jelly.

Yeah, and you didn't
get chapped lips

that whole winter.

And I always took care
of you when you were sick.

Oh, please, Mom.

The time I had chickenpox,
you slapped makeup on my face

and sent me off to school.

And you met your
first little boyfriend

that day, now, didn't you?

Yeah, Mikey Clemmons.

Boy, naptime was a
lot more fun after that.

Then I guess I wasn't
such a bad mother.

I guess not with me.

But, you know, you
really screwed up Bud.

Peg, great news.

You know Bud's horrible,
perverted affair with Gary

that you caused?

Yeah. I feel so guilty.

Like I should be on Court TV

with a blue dot on my face.

And yet in the bedroom you
complain about the paper bag.

Anyway, Peg,
don't worry about it

because it's turned out
to be the greatest thing

that happened to us.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a
break room, Peg, at work

with massage tables
and a fridge full of beer.

As long as Bud keeps
Gary happy, I'm happy.

And as long as I'm happy,

I'm happy.

Yeah, well, what about me?

Don't be selfish, Peg.

Well, what about Bud's welfare?

Isn't this an unhealthy
relationship for our son?

Look what else Gary
put in our break room.

Belgian bonbons.

Well, you know, I...

I always liked that Gary.

Mm.

Oh, look, Al, I'm
using the good china

with the dividers.

Good idea, Peg.
Gary's a millionaire.

She's used to classy things.

If this relationship continues
we're gonna be eating

off paper plates and then
just throwing them away.

Hey, which side does the
salad Spork go on again?

On the left. Who raised you?

No one.

How come you don't put out

the good plastic
for my boyfriends?

Because your boyfriends
don't use utensils.

I'm so sick of this.

Even though I'm the oldest

Bud's always been your favorite.

Just because he walked
first, and he talked first

and he can name all 20 states.

I will tell you... I'll tell
you what else he did first.

He found himself a sugar daddy.

Something we thought
you would do, young lady.

Face it, Kelly, Bud b*at you.

The dark horse came in first.

Oh, now you got Bud a horse?

Hey, I was the one who
always wanted a horsey.

Dad... Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,

concentrate.

If you help us tonight,

maybe Gary will
buy you a horsey.

Oh, no. If she's that rich

I want a unicorn.

Fine. [LAUGHS]

Somebody call heaven.

There's an angel missing.

Oh, very, very nice, Bud.

Is this Baby Armani?

Doesn't he look great, Al?

You know, you remind me of
a very handsome young man

that was once
madly in love with me.

You mean Daddy?

Honey, I said handsome.

And in love with her.

Look, I appreciate all
the trouble you went to

but I'm not sure I feel
right about Gary and me.

Huh? What are you
talking about, Bud?

You and Gary are
perfect for each other.

Dad, she's getting more
and more possessive.

I mean, we don't
even talk anymore.

I feel like all I am to
her is a piece of meat.

My area. Let me handle this.

Okay, Bud.

So you're feeling like
a cheap sex toy, huh?

Yeah. It's demeaning.

How do you handle it, Kel?

I just accept it. I
mean, come on.

Fish, they got to swim.

The birds got to fly.

Cookie Monster's got to
eat whatever the hell he eats.

You know what I mean? You know?

No. Dad, how am
I supposed to stay

with somebody who
doesn't respect me?

Honey, if marriage
was based on respect

your father and I would
have never gotten together.

That's right, pookie.

Uh, excuse me.

Who said anything
about marriage?

Well, Bud, you love Gary.

No, I don't, Dad.

Don't talk back to your father.

And love and marriage
go together like...

Peg, what do love and
marriage go together?

How the hell would I know?

If you two are so happily
married let's see you kiss.

Well, sure, we
could do that but...

But I think that years
of love and commitment

can best be represented by...

By a hearty handshake. Oh.

I said a kiss. That means lips.

Sure.

KELLY: Oh, come on,
Daddy, you can do it.

Just close your eyes.

Ah-ha.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Bud, Bud, Bud,

don't blow this for me.

Piglet, I've been paging
you for over an hour.

Why didn't you call me back?

Well, I, uh... I
turned off the beeper.

[ALL GASP]

How dare you?

Bud, you're grounded.

What is it, Piglet?

Uh...

You know, we've had
some great times together

and I appreciate everything
you've done for me,

and to me.

I think we should
just be friends.

Do not listen to him.

Wait a minute.

You're dumping me?

Without me, you will
spend the rest of your life

in this hellhole.

No offence. Oh, none taken.

Shall we have dinner?

I can get out of this
hellhole on my own.

I don't need to be
anybody's boy toy.

I'm going to make it
on brains and talent.

Oh, Peg, we're never
going to get rid of him now.

Go ahead, scoff.

At least I've got my dignity.

Well, Bundy, I guess
you know what this means.

Generic beer in the
break room fridge?

Guess again.

Less attractive masseuses?

Try no beer, no massages.

In fact, no break room.

And I'm installing a pay toilet.

Oh, that's not right.

I can't believe I'm not
going to get my unicorn.

Oh, I can't believe I
polished Sporks for her.

I can't believe I
almost kissed you.

This means that Bud's
not the favorite now, huh?

Damn right.

So that means I'm
the favorite now, right?

Sure, why not?

Look, Gary's gold card.

Hey, forget the fried chicken.

Tonight it's fried lobster.

[GIGGLES]

Oh. Oh, wait a second.
Shouldn't we wait for Bud?

What does he need lobster for?

He's got dignity.

[ALL LAUGH]

[♪♪♪]