11x15 - Breaking Up Is Easy to Do: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Yeah, well, Marcy, of course.

He's always
threatening to leave.

But then somewhere between
the house and the Dodge

he realizes he'd have to
break in a new toilet seat.

Damn, I never thought
he'd think of that.

Let me call you back.

So where do you
think you're going?

To live the life I
should have had.

So, what corner will you
be washing windshields on?

Wouldn't you love to know.

Okay, Al.

Go on. Just go.

But don't take anything
out of this house.

Well, I did kind
of want the couch,

but then your butt
would have to go too.

Wait a minute. What
am I thinking about?

I almost forgot the two
most important things.

What are we gonna
do about custody?

Well, obviously, they
should stay with me.

I'm the one who spends
the most time with them.

While I worked to put
a roof over their heads

but still had time to
listen to their stories,

to laugh with them,
to cry with them?

Yes, but who stayed
up with them all night?

Oh, God.

I just don't think I
can live without them.

Well, me either.

Well, we'll just
have to split them.

You take the little colored one.

I can't watch football
on that little TV.

BUD: Kelly, shovel the
snow. KELLY: I don't have to.

Oh, no, Al, the kids. This
could scar them for life.

Peg, don't worry.
If they can survive

seeing your mother's
bathing suit fall off,

they can get through this.

What's going on?

Nothing much. Your
mother and I are breaking up.

Take care of yourselves.

Don't forget to write

or color me a pretty picture.

Hey, why do I get them?

That's the natural
order of things, Peg.

You birth them, suckle
them, take care of them.

We

Hunt.

Al Bundy, you are
making the biggest mistake

of your life.

Not only because
you are a brainless,

spineless, soapless idiot,

but because you have no money.

Oh, yes, I do, Peg.

We husbands always have
our hidden little nest eggs.

Yes. And we wives

always know about
that little nest egg.

You know the one
you hid in the vacuum?

I bought a new dress.

And I found all the quarters
that you hid in Bud's mattress.

So that's why my
mattress was so lumpy.

I kept dreaming that I was
sleeping on tiny little breasts.

That jingled.

Well, you got me, Peg.

All my little hidey-holes
have been found out

except this one.

Fiendishly clever.

Hmm-hmm.

You imbeciles.

Don't you realize
that's the only reason

we men ever lift the seat?

Come on, Bud, let's go.

[CHUCKLES] I'm with you, Pop.

No, you're not.

I just need someone
to help me push the car.

Thanks, Al.

For the first time
in our marriage,

you're leaving me satisfied.

MAN [ON TV]: We wanna send
a special home-shopping hello

to Peggy Bundy.

It's been a long time, Peggy.

And speaking of time,

look at this lovely Martin
Lawrence cuckoo clock.

[SIGHS] Isn't that cute?

The second hand has a g*n.

[g*nshots]

CLOCK: It's 3:00, bitch.

Hey, Mom. How you doing?

Oh, not bad for
an over-the-hill,

discarded, stringy-haired loser.

I don't think your
hair looks that stringy.

[SOBBING] I'm all alone.

Oh, don't worry, Mom.

We'll never leave you.

Yeah.

[SOBBING] No!

I haven't seen her like this

since a kid at
McDonald's asked her

if she was Ronald's mother.

Hmm.

Bud,

she really misses Dad, huh?

[SIGHS] Well, don't you?

I mean, remember when he, ah...

Umm...

Oh, and the cute way
that he... He, ah, um...

Oh, but then on Christmas,
when he used to, um...

What the hell is
she crying about?

I don't know.

I hate to see her
like this though.

I know.

What do you do when
you get depressed?

Well, go out and find a
rich man to buy me stuff.

BOTH: Stepdaddy!

We better hurry.
Time is our enemy.

Yeah, so is gravity.

[CHEERS]

♪ Al Bundy's gone away
I'll have a gag-free day ♪

♪ It always pays to pray
I've never felt so gay ♪

My life is over, and
you're setting off fireworks?

Well, actually, that
was old man McGinty

and the rest of the block.

Oops, that reminds
me. The parade's at 2.

I am riding in
the big shoe float.

Marcy, think about my feelings.

I mean, imagine if
Al was your husband

and he ran off and left you.

I am.

[HONKS]

I'm sorry.

You know, Peggy,

I know this may come
as a shock to you,

but I never really cared
for your ex-husband.

We're not divorced.

Think positive, Peggy.

Well, I can't. I'm all alone.

You know, I've always had
a man to take care of me.

First, my father,

then my Aunt Bob,

and then Al.

But now I have no one.

Who's gonna rub my bottom?

Marcy, I'm scared.

You know, I've never
had a real paycheck

or balanced a checkbook.

Well, so neither has Al.

Look, Peggy, you're
in the prime of your life,

your early 40s.

Late 30s?

Mid?

Early? Twenty-nine?

[GIGGLES]

See? You've got your
whole life ahead of you.

It's your turn, girlfriend.

Gee, Marcy, I...

I'm starting to
feel better already.

Good. Now, you should
do what I did after Steve left.

Pick up men at the airport?

After that.

Is this Al's?

Uh-huh.

[GASPS]

Hee-hee-hee. You try.

[LAUGHING]

Boy, I do feel better.

Oh. You know, I have
always hated this thing.

I gave you that.

[CHUCKLES] Sorry.

Marcy, this is really
helping me out.

Well, listen. After
the buzz fades,

just remember
that wherever Al is,

that ungrateful baboon will
be feeling 10 times worse.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I used to listen To
rock and roll all day long ♪

♪ I dance all night
To my favorite songs ♪

♪ No, I'm not so alone... ♪

Hey, Al.

Look at that.

You've got the moves.

Or the runs.

I'll tell you what.

This is the life. You
know what I did today?

I made breakfast.

Peg lied.

You don't have to make
Pop Tarts from scratch.

Pretty snazzy
place you got here.

Yeah.

Vista del O'Hare.

Used up my nest egg,

but it's got a pool,
it's got free cable,

and it's conveniently
located right by the...

[ENGINE ROARING]

Airport?

Yeah. Yeah.

But the neighbors say

they don't even hear
the planes anymore.

That's because they're deaf.

Hey.

You guys think I ought
to get Marcy a waterbed?

Yeah, may I recommend
Lake Michigan?

All right, all you babes
in the Tri-County area,

get ready because
Dr. Al is ready to operate.

Not dressed like
that, you're not.

We got to get this
man a new look, stat.

George Clooney,
eat your heart out.

[LAUGHS]

You are the money.

You sure women like
these contour briefs?

Oh, absolutely.

You see how they
lift and separate?

It's like a Wonderbra
for your ass.

Well, they... They do
kind of move with you.

And no visible panty line.

Damn, I'm hot.

JEFFERSON: Yeah, yeah.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hey, son, come on in.

Hey.

Pretty cool pad

for a rest home.

[CHUCKLING]

Son, come on over here.
Let me give you the tour.

Well, that's it.

Hold me tight, son.

Ah, Dad. You miss me?

No, it's the 8:15 from Bangkok.

[ENGINE ROARING]

Nice pad, Dad.

Listen. Mom wanted me to
bring over some of your stuff.

[CRIES OUT]

Oh, look, she...

She shredded my Big
'Uns into Little 'Uns.

Look on the bright side, buddy.

It'll make a great jigsaw
puzzle on a rainy day.

Oh, look, Miss July's toe.

Doesn't take much to
get him going, does it?

Son, let's me and you
go pick up some foxes.

Ah, gee, Dad, I'd love to,

but between your new
hair and your new ass,

I don't stand a chance.

You got that right.

Yeah.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, yeah.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow.

You know, I haven't been
in a singles bar in 15 years.

Mom, you've been
married for 25 years.

Oops. Heh-heh-heh.

Gee, I hope I
remember what to do.

Oh, yeah. It's all
coming back to me now.

Mom, you can't act so pushy.

Kelly, it's the '90s.

Women are supposed
to be the aggressors.

Yeah, if they're losers.

Look, all you have
to do is sit back,

unbutton a button, and
they'll all come to you.

That is just sick.

You are setting yourself
up for a domineering,

sexually aggressive
relationship.

Well, duh.

Well, what do you suggest we do?

Lie naked on the
hood of a Trans Am

out in the parking lot?

No, not till last call.

Just watch and learn.

See ya.

You know, I taught her that
the first day of junior high.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I'm so proud.

I just hate this place.

Maybe it would be best to just

go home and get in
bed with Jefferson.

Well, I'll try anything once.

Uh, I mean, you're right.

This place isn't for us.

I mean, look at all
these hot young things.

That gorgeous redhead
with that little blond boy.

That's us, Peggy.

[LAUGHS] [GRUNTS]

Whoa, whoa.

Talk about your babe watch.

Make way, boys.

Lifeguard Al is about
to do a little body surfing.

Traffic school, my ass.

I'll fix his ticket.

Uh-oh, you're busted.

Her bust?

Yeah, isn't it great?

I tell you, if Marcy had
headlights like these,

I wouldn't have to
go to traffic school.

Of course, my fourth
touchdown was really my best.

I, ah, faked out Porlogo,

went to the right,

and sprinted 75 yards
up the middle of the field,

and then I scored.

Ah. Unlike tonight.

Now, why would a lesbian
even go to a straight bar?

Whoa.

[LAUGHING]

I never thought
this could happen.

I've actually met somebody
as beautiful as me.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You have a big ego.

It matches my wallet and my car.

Hmm.

Anything else?

Oh-oh-oh.

Quick, call the
paramedics! What?

This old guy's
having a heart att*ck!

[GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

It looks like his
diaper is coming off.

Mmm.

God, I love Mom's new boyfriend.

Oh.

I don't miss that...

That guy who used
to live here at all.

[PHONE RINGS]

Here, hold this.

Hello.

Daddy?

No, I'm sorry, he's
not here right now.

Can I take a message?

It's Daddy, pumpkin.

"Daddy Pumpkin."

And a number where he
can reach you, Mr. Pumpkin?

Sweetheart, is there
someone there I can talk to

with a brain stem?

Put your brother on.

Okay.

Hey, Bud, you're
really handsome.

[LAUGHING] I did it, Dad.

Well, thanks for calling, Daddy.

Oh, oh, before I forget,

a Mr. Pumpkin called for you.

Okay?

All right. I love
you, Daddy. Bye.

Hey, Al. Hey.

Come on, Al.

Let's put on those
contour briefs

and... And shake
our money makers.

No, I think I'll
just stay in tonight

and wash my hair.

Wash it?

Just run a DustBuster
through that puppy

and let's be on our way.

[GROANS]

I've been out every
night this week.

I'm tired.

Tired of going out,
and shelling out,

and striking out.

Yeah, well, maybe Al's right.

Nobody wants to
go out every night.

I do.

Sure you do, because
you're married.

Come on, Al.
You're just depressed

because you've been turned
down by a few hundred women.

Last night, one
kicked me in the groin

with her leg. Her wooden one.

JEFFERSON: Ooh.

That's because you still
got Peggy's scent on you.

Most women are sensitive
about those things.

Ah, who needs them?

All we really need
in life is our buddies,

our beer,

an occasional dirt bath.

And women condition us to
think we need them. We don't.

All we need are each other.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hi.

I'm one of your neighbors.

Are you busy?

Get out.

Out.

You mean, you're
throwing us out?

I thought we were your
buddies. Well, you are.

That's why I'm throwing you
out the door and not the window.

I'm sorry to bother
you, but I broke a heel,

and I heard you were
in the shoe business.

Can you fix this?

Oh, of course I can.

I fix these all the time.

My wife... Oh, I
mean, my former wife

wears shoes just like these.

Oh, are you divorced?

I can be.

What's she like?
Oh, I'd rather not say.

You know, she wouldn't
want me talking about her

in front of another
woman. You know.

She's the fiery type,
wiggles when she walks,

can't get enough of me in bed.

Am I talking about her again?

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

That's okay.

I still talk about
my ex-boyfriend.

Would you like to
know what he's like?

Hey, well, let me guess.

Big, mean, built like an ape.

Thanks for fixing my shoe.

[ENGINE ROARING]

[♪♪♪]