11x19 - Birthday Boy Toy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Married... With Children". Aired: April 5, 1987 – June 9, 1997.*
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Follows Al Bundy, a once-glorious high school football player turned women's shoe salesman; his lazy wife, Peggy; their beautiful, dumb and popular daughter, Kelly; and their smart, horny and unpopular son, Bud.
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11x19 - Birthday Boy Toy

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay.

Somebody broke into
my piggy bank again.

The long strand of red hair

and these bonbon wrappers

clearly indicate that you,
Mother, saw who did it.

Now, who was it?

Oh, gee, honey,
I-I really don't know.

Hey, look at this lovely
Don Knotts hologram

I got from QVC.

Don't try to distract me, Mom.

It's shiny.

Mr. Furley.

Barney Fife.

Furley. Fife.

Did you see that?

Peg?

I hope one of these
bills is for a coffin,

because your
shopping is k*lling me.

Something shiny.

I got you one, Al.

I'm not interested in that,

Pe...

Ginger.

Mary Ann.

Ginger.

Oh, cut this out.

Not only is this
QVC thing useless,

but now you've gone
and bought a membership

to the Buff and
Tuff Health Club.

Well, how else am I supposed

to stay young and
attractive for you?

Buy a time machine.

Peg, I'm cutting off your
shopping cold turkey.

Right now.

Traitor.

Oh, Al, don't make
me stop shopping.

You'll destroy my life.

Good, then we'll be even.

[♪♪♪]

Yeah, I think I like this
one even better than

that clog cabin
we built last week.

It is stunning.

We ought to go into business.

Oh, what business
would that be, Griff?

The shoe box lid
house-building business?

Not much demand for that.

Well, I beg to differ.

I think you're overlooking
the homeless dwarf problem.

[BOTH CRY OUT]

Now, somebody has
got to clean that up.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Well, Jefferson, I
see you're having

your typically hard
day at the office.

You know, looking this
good is a full-time job.

You think these pores
just exfoliate themselves?

[CHUCKLES]

You better watch out, Jefferson.

Now that you're
heading for the big 4-0

Marcy might trade
you in for a new model.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, when you hit 40,
everything starts going to hell.

Your alignment
gets all out of whack

then your tires start to
get a little bald and then

comes that horrible
day when you realize

no matter how hard
you turn that knob,

that antenna is only
coming halfway up.

Then you start getting that
uncontrollable backfiring.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, don't tell me you
don't have that problem.

Well, that may hold
true for you old clunkers,

but I look the same today
as I did 20 years ago.

I've been looking
for you forever.

And I hope I was worth the wait.

Oh.

Sorry, sir, I thought
you were my dad.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, hey.

Happy birthday,
Mr. D'Arcy, happy birthday.

Oh, sure, rub it in, you brats.

Gee, old man D'Arcy's
getting pretty cranky, huh?

Dad, guess what?

Gary hired us to sh**t a
commercial for the store.

Well, why would
she hire you two?

Well, because she wanted
somebody fast and cheap.

Which explains our actress.

I, on the other hand,
will be directing.

It will be 30 seconds
of pure magic.

Oh, now, Bud, don't waste
your best pick-up lines on Dad.

We've got the setting.
We've got the customer.

Now, all we need
is a shoe salesman.

Well, how much does it pay?

Four hundred dollars a day.

Earth days?

Hey, I'm your man for the job.

Nobody sells shoes
better than me.

Bud, did I ever mention
to you that I played Dorothy

in my high school
production of The Wiz?

All-male school?

No.

You want to see great acting?

How about those seizures
I used to throw at IHOP?

All right, Dad, so
you scammed us

a few Rooty Tooty
Fresh 'N Fruity breakfasts.

It doesn't exactly make
you Oscar material.

Hey, you didn't seem
to mind my performance

when you were shoving
pancakes in your pockets.

I'm really good.

Hoover High School
Gazette says my Dorothy was

"captivating, charming
and strangely intimidating."

Oh, Griff, how pathetic are you?

A man your age hanging
on to faded high school glory.

What?

Frankly, I don't buy either
one of you as a shoe salesman,

but if you want to
try out for the part...

Listen, Mr. Director.

I think that you and I should
see eye to eye on this thing.

[CRIES OUT]

I think we found our star.

So...

What do you want
for your birthday,

my little boy toy?

Is that all I am
to you, a boy toy?

Jefferson, it's
just an expression.

Like "freeloader" or...

"trophy husband."

Honey...

Do you notice any little
lines around my eyes?

You're gonna have to
come in close to see.

You mean, those crow's feet?

They're not crow's feet.

They're laugh lines.

Honey, nothing is that funny.

Oh, don't pout.

I know something

that will make you
feel a lot better.

I don't feel like
playing Hop on Pop.

No, I'm talking about
the perfect birthday gift:

A health club
membership, huh? Hee-hee!

Night-night.

Do you really think I need it?

I mean, sure, my thighs
jiggle a little when I settle

into the tanning
bed, but whose don't?

[SIGHS]

I'm just worrying
over nothing, right?

I mean, uh,

I still turn you
on, don't I, Marcy?

[SNORING]

MAN [ON TV]: Last chance to
buy this lovely Tom Jones locket

containing his
actual chest hair.

Well, if that's not unusual.

[ELECTRICITY
CRACKLES] [CRIES OUT]

Twenty-five seconds.

[ELECTRICITY
CRACKLES] [CRIES OUT]

Twenty-two seconds.

[ELECTRICITY
CRACKLES] [CRIES OUT]

Damn you, Al.

Hey, Peggy.

I, uh... I brought over Marcy's
tool belt like you asked.

Oh, you're a
lifesaver. Needle nose.

Hey, uh, Peggy.

Do you ever have a fear
that Al's gonna leave you?

Well, I wouldn't call it a
fear so much as a fantasy.

Screwdriver. Why do you ask?

Well, I-I know that...

You know, I haven't
confided in you much.

And I appreciate that.

But lately I'm just feeling
so old and unattractive

and unloved, and
I just wondered,

how do you handle it?

Well, usually I just thank God

I'm not that aging gigolo
that lives next door.

See, if Marcy thinks
I'm losing my looks,

it's just a matter of time
before she dumps me

for some younger guy.

Stripper. Maybe.

With her money she
could have anyone.

Oh.

Well, I tell you what.

Why don't you just
spend all her money

and then she can't
afford to trade you in?

Think that would work?

Absolutely.

Do you have a credit card?

Yeah, I have one right...

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Platinum.

Oh, the good stuff.

What's Marcy's limit?

On a good night, six or seven.

Oh.

The card.

It doesn't... It
doesn't have a limit.

[GASPS]

Let's do some home shopping.

Wait a minute.
Isn't that addictive?

Oh, no. You can stop
any time you want.

What's that for?

So we don't drop the phone.

Hi, baby, Mama's back.

"Gary's Shoes," take 28.

And action.

Excuse me, kind sir.

Do you have any purple pumps?

Certainly, we have purple pimps.

At Gary's Shoes,
we feet your treat.

Cut.

Uh, okay, Dad, that was, uh...

It was good, but
you're still a little stiff.

Any stiffer, you could wax
him and use him as a toboggan.

Could you keep the gofer quiet?

All right. Look, let's
just try it again, all right?

Take 29.

If anybody's still counting.

And action.

Excuse me, kind sir...

Certainly, we pump you purple

at Gary's Shoes,
where we treat your feet.

Cut. What?

Those were the right words.

But they were in
the wrong order.

Well, can't you
edit them together?

What kind of a director are you?

You know, I give up.
Okay? You talk to him.

Okay.

So, uh...

Nice weather we're
having, huh, Daddy?

I mean, about the part.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Okay.

Um. That was perfect, Daddy,

but I think that you need
to emphasize certain words.

Like this:

"Here at Gary's Shoes,
we treat your feet."

See what I'm saying? Like this:

Okay.

"Here at Gary's Shoes,
we treat your feet."

That's... It's much, much
better, Daddy. Really.

Can his ass.

♪ Ease on down Ease on down ♪

Bud, I'm starting
to get the hang of it.

I'm rolling with it.
I'm grooving with it.

Dad, you're fired. I know.
Fired up, ready to go.

No, Dad, it's over.

Over, my stage fright's over.

I'm ready to go.
Action. Roll 'em...

Listen to me.

You're fired. You're out.

You're finished.
You're must flee TV.

Wow, that came out of nowhere.


Why the sudden change of heart?

No, no, it's not sudden.
Your acting sucks.

It sucked when we started.

It sucks now. It
will always suck.

Well, that's just one
person's opinion, isn't it?

BOTH: It sucks.

ALL: It sucks.

WOMAN [ON PA]: Attention,
shoppers, Al Bundy sucks.

Oh, look. A genuine
faux leopard muff.

Let's not wait for
the price. Just dial.

Okay. Okay, but...

Tell me again how all this stuff

is going to keep
Marcy from leaving me.

Hm.

Is that a liver spot?

Okay.

Aha.

Aha what?

Don't you play dumb
with me, Peggy Bundy.

You've always been
a shopping junkie,

but now you've
turned into a pusher

and corrupted my
innocent Jefferson.

Innocent?

Yeah, I may have provided
the TV and the phone,

but he did his own dialing.

[GASPS]

Jefferson, is that true?

Yes. Well, that's it, mister.

Your freeloading days are over.

And you're going to
pay back every cent.

How...? How am I
supposed to do that?

Three little words.

"I love you"?

Try again.

"Hop on Pop"?

"Get a job."

[BOTH GASPING]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

You know, this exercise stuff
is really challenging. Yeah.

I think I'm starting
to feel the burn.

That's heartburn.

You think you could stop
chewing for, like, one second

and help me out of this
mess that you got me into?

Oh, yeah, like it's my
fault you're not aging well.

Don't get your
varicose veins in a knot.

There must be some job
that you're qualified for.

I'm just not good at anything.

All right. And lunge and
twirl. And lunge and...

All right. Fine. Stay fat.

At Gary's Shoes,
we treat your...

Cut.

Dad,

we're trying to work here.

So am I.

Al, you haven't
vacuumed in 25 years.

Then it's high time, isn't it?

Anyway, that was great, Griff.

Great. Great. You couldn't
even tell he was acting.

Let's just do it one
more time. Okay?

Fine. Fine.

Take 32, which is three more
than it took me by the way.

That's because you've
ruined every one of mine.

It's because we had
a couple of accidents.

Oh, dropping a
light on Griff's head?

Freak occurrence.

The fire in the stock room?

Act of God.

Rollerblading through here with
your pants down, playing a tuba?

Hey, what I do on my
break is my business.

Admit it, Dad. You're trying
to sabotage the commercial.

Get out of here. Don't come
back until we're finished.

Fine!

You Hollywood
types are so touchy.

Ready? Yes.

And action.

Excuse me, kind sir,
do you have any...?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Peggy?

What in the world
are you doing here?

Working out.

Excuse me, you can't just walk
into a Jefferson D'Arcy class.

Are you on the list?

Well, no,

but I'm his wife.

Ha-ha. Nice try, honey.
We get four wives a day

and a couple of husbands.

Well, maybe if you gave
up your spot they'd all fit.

You just better be glad
I am weak from dieting.

[DANCE SONG PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

GIRL: There he is.

ALL: Jeffersize. Jeffersize.

[CHUCKLES]

Hello, all you lovely ladies.

Are you ready to
get hot and bothered?

[ALL CHEERING]

Okay, here we go
and on our right...

Jefferson. Hi, honey.

Oh, hey, Marcy.
Gee, what a surprise.

Okay. Here we go and...

Bend and stretch. Reach
for me, ladies. That's it.

Okay, here we go, grapevine and:

That's it. Beautiful.

That's it.

She won't let me through.

Hey, Marcy, I have
a secret w*apon.

Oops, my Snickers slipped.

JEFFERSON: Here we go.

One, two...

Hey, Marcy, thank you so
much for making me get this job.

I'll be able to pay
you back in no time.

Well, honey, you don't
have to pay me back.

Consider it a birthday present.

It's Jeffie's birthday.

Spanking machine.

[ALL CHEERING]
Oh, no. Oh, no... Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, yes, yes.

[LAUGHING]

Jefferson, I hate
to see you like this,

slaving away at a job you hate.

[ALL CRY OUT]

Jeffie, can you massage
my cramp again?

I'll give you a cramp.

Jefferson.

I want you to quit your job.

But why, Marcy? If
I keep working here

I'm going to have the body
that you've always wanted me to.

That I've always wanted? Yeah.

Jefferson, I love
the way you look.

The reason I sent you
to a health club is that

I thought you were feeling
insecure about yourself.

Well, I was. I'm...

I'm getting older. I just...

I thought you were gonna

trade me in for someone new.

Oh, booberry.

I don't want anybody new.

It took me years
to break you in.

You mean, you'll still love me
even when I'm old and grey?

Of course, just like
you'll still love me

even if I lose all my money?

Right.

You know, this is great.

I always wanted my
own personal trainer.

Well, well, well.

Looks like my commercial
has made me a few fans.

Yeah, I knew TV added 10 pounds.

I didn't realize it all
went to your head.

Woo! You're even cuter in
person than you are on TV.

You're a shoe hunk.

Al, help me.

Yeah, they're all
yours, shoe hunk.

Think I'll just ease
on down the road.

Ladies, please, please.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[SHIRT RIPPING]

Hey, hey, that is not for sale!

ANNOUNCER: Don't go
away we'll be right back.

Oh, I don't believe this.

BOTH: We'll take it.

I told you so.

Hey, weren't you
Dorothy in The Wiz?

Yes, I was.

I was the... The mayor
of Munchkin Land.

[CHUCKLES]

Your Honor.

[♪♪♪]
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