BARBARA: First of all,
I realize this is probably
not how you thought the story would start,
not with a big shiny moon
or a city that could look
stunning in spite of itself.
Or me.
But I wanted you to know
that before the horror began,
before it all came crashing down,
there was a time when capes
and cowls and fighting crime
really was exciting.
I'd been with Batman
for almost three years.
That night my father signaled
for him, so something was up.
(BEEPING)
I tend to stay out of these discussions.
I mean, why push my luck?
- BATMAN ON RADIO: You there?
- Yeah.
We've got a robbery.
(POLICE SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)
Bloody son of a...
You act like you've never been
in a police chase before.
- Take the next left.
- Here?
Here.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
We've got to lose the truck.
Let's lose the cops instead, okay?
(SCREAMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
This is going to be a night to remember.
(GASPS)
Fricking A!
(BEEPING)
Caution, falling debris.
(MEN COUGHING)
(BEEPS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Okay, we lose the truck.
(HISSING)
(THUD)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(g*nf*re)
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
You really want to turn
a robbery into a m*rder?
You see another way out of this?
BATGIRL: I know you're in a bad spot.
But there's bad and then there's worse.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(GRUNTS)
Like that.
Negotiating?
He wasn't going to hurt me.
Did he know that?
Sometimes, you have
to have a little faith.
What happened to the drivers?
They got away.
But the night's still young.
(GASPS)
I'm going to need some alone time.
Oh, sure, yeah.
(MAN GROANING)
- Maybe I'll see you...
- (MAN SCREAMING)
Later.
It's a lot of photos.
My uncle's big on family,
even the ones he's hit.
His Holiness is expecting us.
Get the hell in here.
It's all over the news.
- (REMOTE CONTROL CLICKING)
- Every channel.
What can I tell you? Batgirl's hot.
- (GASPS)
- Don't get smart.
(GROANS)
I lost four men yesterday.
Four idiots.
They said they could
knock out the tracker on the armored car.
I don't think they could plug
a computer in their ass.
Do I care?
I'm out grand,
thanks to your frigging fiasco.
And what do I get for it?
The Bat and his bitch
breathing down my neck.
Bottom line, you're going to give me
my money back, nephew, every cent.
Otherwise you're going to become
a very distant relative, very soon.
Capisce?
Okay, unc, whatever you say.
Darker men, huh?
Barbara, why didn't you tell me?
I have a cousin who's a defense attorney.
Ooh, Reese, not that dark.
(SING-SONG) He's single.
Well, that lightens him up
a bit, doesn't it?
Babs, girl,
(STAMMERS) I do not understand
why you're having fishing troubles
when we are in the middle of a lake.
What do these guys have
to do to get your attention?
Steal a book?
It just so happens
I'm involved with someone.
Sort of, kind of.
- That serious, huh?
- (KEYBOARD CLACKING)
What are you doing?
My dad's department
has been setting up city cams.
I've been helping with the program.
It's amazing. You can view
half of Gotham from your computer.
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
(COMPUTER TRILLING)
Looks like a bad boy, just your type.
(BEEPING)
LONNY: Jesus, Paris, a friggin' fortune
in the middle of some dump.
It's ridiculous.
It used to be a bank.
The same family's owned
this building since .
- Which family?
- My uncle's.
You are bloody crazy.
You sound pissed.
- No, I sound freaked the "F" out.
- I'm not.
And that's freaking me, too.
My uncle's a dinosaur, Lonny.
By the time he finds out
what we've done, he'll be extinct.
(WHIZZING)
BATGIRL: No withdrawals today, boys.
Bloody hell, it's her!
Batgirl, I am impressed.
Where's your overbearing boyfriend?
He's not my boyfriend.
Then maybe I have a chance.
What are you doing?
- I want to meet her.
- (LOUD THUD)
(YELLS)
- (g*nsh*t)
- (GRUNTS)
(SLOW CLAPPING)
Awesome.
(NECK CRACKS)
I don't want to have to hurt you.
Why should you be different
from all the other girls?
(GRUNTING)
(YELLS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
It's like a dance.
Yeah, right.
(GRUNTING)
Too bad we can't sit this one out.
I don't waste my time with punk amateurs.
Oh, baby, I think you've misjudged me.
(GROANS)
(VOICE ECHOING) Smells like cherries, huh?
You've got maybe
seconds to bedtime, baby.
Can't end the night without a kiss.
(GROANING)
You'll never make it to the door, Batgirl.
(SCOFFS) Smart girl.
(GROANS)
She's taking a nap. Let's grab the money.
(SIREN BLARES)
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
Thanks.
How long was I out?
A few minutes.
Apparently, I got there
right after they left.
You should've waited for me.
They were on their way out.
I had to do something.
His name is Paris, Paris Franz.
(COUGHS) You're kidding?
I guess not.
Your father gave me his file.
He's a nasty combination
of narcissist and sociopath.
He'll have you smiling right up to
the moment he cuts your throat.
I haven't had to deal
with his type of crazy in a while.
I don't want you to, either.
What are you saying?
Don't go near him without me.
- Excuse me?
- No matter what.
We're not exactly attached at the hip.
We are on this.
You want to work with me,
you do what I say.
And that's it?
You speak and the words are law?
Yes.
REESE: Let me understand.
You're seeing a guy,
but not really dating.
- Right.
- In a yoga class.
Basically.
He's, like, the instructor?
Right.
And he's making demands?
He's always been controlling,
usually I'm okay with it.
But there's no sex?
God, no!
And you're into him because...
Because of the yoga.
I like the yoga.
So, find another class.
There is no other class, Reese.
This is it.
And I'm good.
He won't say it,
but I'm the best damn student he ever had.
So, if he's going to start
making decisions based on emotions
of which he has zero,
then I think we've got a problem!
And they say the gay scene
is complicated. (SCOFFS) What?
Here you go, ladies,
added token of our appreciation.
Here's the mask
your buddy wanted me to wear.
(CHUCKLES) Sorry,
we had to cut up the pillowcase.
Got it, thank you.
You know I've got real masks
back at the house,
just saying.
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
So, how long are we going to be here?
I thought you Brits liked the salt air.
I don't like all that money
sitting under a friggin' sink.
- Feed it to the fish.
- What?
I just got access
to every offshore account my uncle owns.
And she called me an amateur.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
PARIS: Who is it?
It's your uncle.
(g*nsh*t)
- (g*nf*re)
- (GROANS)
- (g*nf*re CONTINUES)
- (PANTING)
How do we get out?
You're looking at it.
(BEEPING)
(MOTOR REVVING)
Batgirl, I'm afraid
I didn't get your number.
So I'm sending this video
to the police to give to you.
They've got to be good for something.
You may have heard
that I've come into some family money.
I told you I'm no punk.
In fact, I got you a gift.
Something special for my special girl.
Just go back to where we met. You'll see.
- Cute.
- It's not cute. It's a trick.
I know, but it is a little flattering.
No, he doesn't know you.
He's objectified you.
When a criminal gets personal like that,
it's bad news.
You're off this one.
- What?
- I don't want you on this case.
At all? So he likes me, we can use that.
He's not afraid of you.
I want him nervous.
The place you met was
at that warehouse, right?
Yeah. Where are you going?
Your father and his men
are already canvassing the place.
I'll let you know what we find.
Hold on, we're not done.
- No, wait. Wait!
- (ENGINE REVVING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
Hey!
Is this the gift?
'Cause I thought I was
a little more special.
You are, baby.
But the real gift's somewhere else.
Girls like scavenger hunts, don't they?
Is this going to take long?
PARIS: Careful getting in.
I don't own this place yet.
You're getting hot, hotter.
Whoa, you might have to call
the fire department.
- Where's the gift?
- Come on, look around.
You're the girl detective.
(BATGIRL GRUNTS)
For you, my love.
Do you realize what you've done?
He was the biggest boss in Gotham.
He was an artifact.
He went out with phone booths
and the porkpie hat.
I'm the next evolution, baby.
Today, it's all about brains
and nerve and tech.
That's how I got his money
and that's how I'm going to get you.
- MAN: Boss, you okay in there?
- (DOORKNOB RATTLING)
- You might have to get in line.
- MAN: Break it down.
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(PANTING)
(GRUNTS)
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
(MEN GROANING)
BATMAN: You let him play you.
He thinks he knows you, like there's
some kind of relationship going.
He led you like a lap dog.
Bull, I knew what I was doing.
I was on the hunt, same as you.
No, you were trying to prove something.
You let your ego cloud your judgment.
You should've listened to me.
- I thought we were partners.
- We are.
But we're not equals, not even close.
You sanctimonious, self-righteous...
You're not in it like I am, Barbara.
It's still a game for you,
it's still a thrill.
You haven't been taken to the edge yet.
The edge of what?
The abyss,
the place where you don't care anymore.
Where all hope dies.
We're done here. You're off the case.
No! This isn't over.
You can't dismiss me
with some metaphysical BS.
Why are you doing this?
- I told you.
- Uh-uh.
We've been up against worse threats
than Paris Franz.
This isn't about me, it's about us.
It's about you getting protective
and sitting in judgment.
I won't have it!
Then get out.
How dare you!
I'm in this because of you!
I did what you wanted.
I made it work!
(GRUNTING)
(BATMAN GROANS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
(BATGIRL MOANS)
Barbara Kathleen Gordon,
what the hell have you done?
So, you and yoga guy?
Yeah, a few nights ago.
Girl, you've been holding out. How was it?
- Not so good?
- No, it was fantastic...
Like fireworks.
Yeah?
Except he's been avoiding me.
At least, I think he is.
We haven't talked.
I've been to that dance.
Maybe it was too soon,
even after all this time.
Talk to him, Babs.
Some guys need a period of adjustment.
They get nervous about commitment.
He's only human, right?
(REPORTER SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON TV)
REPORTER: In local news,
the city is bracing for g*ng wars
following the m*rder of crime boss,
Carlos Francesco, Saturday.
At the same time, the manhunt
goes on for Parry Francesco,
aka Paris Franz, the m*rder suspect.
Said Detective Harvey Bullock,
"It's like he's fallen off
the face of the Earth... "
From your lips, Harvey.
(REPORTER CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
But I tried to be what you want.
You're not listening to me, Debbie.
So damn clingy.
I feel trapped, like I can't move.
I need space.
Hey, hey, hey!
(MAN GROANS)
There... Space.
(BIRDS COOING)
So, what do you think?
Is it worth a sh*t?
I'm doing it, anyway.
(RADIO BUZZING)
Hey.
Hi, nothing on cable tonight, so I thought
I'd get out and get some exercise.
Tell me, how's Paris these days?
He's on the move.
We got a tip
he might be hiding out at the docks.
That's where I am right now.
That wouldn't be an invitation, would it?
No.
I was just kidding,
but I'm not that far away.
No.
But what about after you get him?
What then?
Are we back in business?
Oh, come on!
We'll talk later.
It was just sex for God's sake.
It doesn't have to mean anything.
It's not like we have to care,
I don't care.
You don't care.
We just go back like it was. That's all.
Please.
Later.
(GROANS)
Bang on, mate!
(BEEPING)
(GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
(WHISTLES)
(GROANING IN PAIN)
(GROANING)
Take the other side.
(GROANS)
(TIRES SCREECH)
(GROANS)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
Alone at last.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Selfish, foul, piece of garbage!
You ruined everything!
Must be that time of the month.
(GROANING)
(BATGIRL GRUNTING)
- (GRUNTING)
- (GROANING)
(PANTING)
(GASPS)
(PARIS WHEEZING)
(SIRENS APPROACHING)
Thanks to Batman,
Franz was taken into police custody,
ending an intensive city-wide search.
This was the scene earlier today
as he was taken into arraignment.
Love you, Batgirl. Love you.
Batgirl.
Close.
I thought I'd save you
the trouble of ending this.
There's some stuff you might want back.
Can't have smoke bombs
exploding in the apartment.
I'm sorry, it's just that...
I get it. It's one thing
to protect the city,
another when it
narrows down to one person.
Someone you really care about.
I'll find some way to fill my time.
It's just as well, you know.
I saw that abyss you spoke about,
very scary, but so tempting.
I don't know how you resist it.
I don't think it's humanly possible
after a while.
Be careful.
BARBARA: And that was that.
Oh, I'd see him again,
but never as Batgirl.
I really was done
with that part of my life.
A week later, it wouldn't matter anyway.
A terrible storm was moving in
and we'd all be in for it by then.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
Hell of a night, huh?
What makes it different
from any other night in Gotham?
Nothing, nothing at all, I suppose.
Commissioner Gordon, uh,
he thought you might like to see this.
- That's an interesting choice of words.
- Come again?
Why would I "like" to see this?
Huh.
Well, I guess "need"
would have been better for you, right?
Coroner came and gave things the eyeball.
Says these poor saps d*ed
probably three years ago.
d*ed?
Well, we won't know for sure if they was
m*rder*d till after the autopsies.
They were m*rder*d.
What do you make of this?
What do I make? (SIGHS)
Well, three years ago
was that dentists' convention.
The one where a handful of conventioneers
never returned home,
just went missing.
Emptied out their bank accounts
and disappeared.
I think we're standing
in the mouth of that.
(CHUCKLES) It's an interesting
choice of words, huh?
BATMAN: Tell Gordon
I'd like to talk to him.
Well, I would,
but tonight's his father-daughter night
and you know he doesn't...
Have to be there.
Tell Gordon I need to talk...
To him.
(PANTING)
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello?
- GORDON: Barbara, it's Dad.
Oh, hi, Dad, how's your day?
Not over yet, unfortunately.
I'm sorry, honey,
but I won't be able to make it tonight.
- Something's come up.
- Are you all right?
I'm fine, there's nothing
for you to worry about.
A friend asked me for a favor.
A friend?
Yes, honey, that friend.
(TIRES SCREECH)
You mind telling me what this is about?
(SCRAPING)
GORDON: Listen to me.
He's been in custody for two years.
If we can prove what we found today...
BATMAN: He'll confess.
GORDON: He's insane.
It's a mistake to think
you know what he'll do.
I'm not here
because of what was found today.
(KEYS JANGLING)
I'm here because I need to be.
Hello, I want to talk.
I've been thinking lately
about you, you and me.
About how this is going to end.
About who will end up k*lling who.
Perhaps, you'll k*ll me,
perhaps I'll k*ll you,
perhaps sooner, perhaps later,
you know that, don't you?
I just, I need to know,
for when that time comes,
that I'd made a genuine attempt
to talk things over,
to try and avert the inevitable,
just once.
Listen to me, this is life and death,
mine or yours.
Our relationship, it's fatal.
I don't want your m*rder on my...
(GASPS) Hey, wait a minute.
I've got rights.
You ain't allowed to touch me!
Where is he?
Do you realize what you've set free?
What it's capable of?
Do you have any idea?
Where is he?
- Dear God, open that door!
- IMPOSTOR: (WHIMPERING) Get off of me!
What do you think you're doing?
You know the laws
about mistreating inmates.
If you harm one hair on his head...
Now, you stinking little stain!
I'm going to ask you politely,
one last time.
Where is he?
CARNY OWNER: Ah, there you are.
So, had enough time
to look over the property?
It's what you're looking for?
Well, it's garish, ugly
and smells like piss.
Can't quite make out
whether it's bums or rats, but it's piss.
I'm a connoisseur
when it comes to eau de toilette.
As for the rides,
any innocent little child
getting on one could be maimed or worse.
So you don't like it?
Don't like it?
I'm crazy for it! (CHUCKLES)
Okay, okay, that's great.
So the price, with what you've
mentioned, we can negotiate.
No need to, sure your price is steep,
but as I look around,
all I can see is I'll be making a k*lling.
And money? Not a problem.
Not anymore.
How'd it go? Did they like your act?
Well, they, uh...
They said they might call me.
I got nervous and blew a punch line.
Oh.
What do you mean, "Oh"?
I didn't mean anything.
Yes, you did,
the way you said "oh" like that.
Jesus, all I said was...
You said, "Oh."
As in, "Oh, so you didn't get the job?"
As in, "Oh, I should've known?"
As in, "Oh, so how are we going
to feed our baby?"
You think I'm not worried about that?
You think it's all a big joke to me?
I have to go up on stage
and nobody laughs.
And you think I don't care.
You think, you think... (CRYING)
Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm sorry!
I don't mean to take this out on you.
You're suffering enough,
being married to a loser.
- Honey, that's not...
- Yes, it is true.
I can't support you.
Oh, Jeannie.
Shh. It'll be okay.
The baby won't be here
for another three months.
Mrs. Berkis will let us slide
on the rent a little longer,
she feels sorry for me.
She hates me.
She comes out in the hallway to scowl
at me every time I take the stairs.
That smell like cat litter and old people.
I've just got to get you out of here
before the baby comes.
All I need is enough money
to get us set up in a decent neighborhood.
For crying out loud,
there are girls on the street
who earn that in a weekend
without having to tell a single joke
or blow a punch line.
(LAUGHS)
Come here and stop worrying about us.
I love you, job or no job.
You're good in the sack
and you make me laugh.
CARNY OWNER: Let me tell you something.
You ain't going to regret
buying this place.
It ain't as bad as it looks.
I hope you're wrong about that.
Come on, a little spit and polish,
you'll have yourself
one hell of a carnival.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, you are so right,
and thanks to your smooth salesmanship
and your silver tongue,
I'm completely sold.
Let's shake on it.
Sure, sure, it's my privilege.
Yes, yes, it is.
Who are they?
Spit and Polish, my attorneys.
They persuaded your partner
to sign over the deed about an hour ago.
The property's already mine.
I can see that you're happy about that.
Now, I must dash.
There's equipment to rent,
plus workers to hire,
and of course,
I need to secure my main attraction.
Uh, do feel free to stick around.
Your refreshments, Master Bruce.
Well, then, sir,
do you need my further assistance
or should I just go away?
That'll be fine.
Trying to figure out
what he intends to do.
It's almost impossible.
Excuse me if I find that comforting, sir.
I don't know him, Alfred.
All these years and I don't know who he is
any more than he knows who I am.
Are you sure of that?
What do you mean?
I mean don't underestimate him.
I don't and neither should he
underestimate me.
You can't save everyone, sir.
He drives me.
How can two people hate so much
without knowing each other?
I hate this. Whenever we jail him, I pray,
"Please, God, just keep him there."
And then when he escapes, it's,
"Please don't let him
do something too awful this time."
I hate it.
Dad, just once, could you leave
your work at the office and relax?
I made you some cocoa.
Thanks, but tonight
I could use something a little stiffer.
You know, I found that
Catwoman scrapbook you couldn't.
It was behind the wardrobe.
You really ought to let me work
out a filing system for you,
something like we use at the library.
GORDON: Mmm-hmm.
Oh, look.
You've got paste squidging out,
don't get it on your pants.
Barbara, I swear,
you're fussier than your mother was.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
That must be Colleen. She's early.
We're going to work out.
You'll have to entertain her
while I get ready.
(CHUCKLES) Look at this one.
First time they met.
He was just robbing banks then. Remember?
What I remember is you describing
his white face and green hair.
I was just a kid,
scared the hell out of me.
GORDON: I thought you'd be interested.
Yeah, well, I had some
really interesting nightmares.
(g*nsh*t)
(INAUDIBLE)
Barbara!
(GROANING)
JOKER: I wouldn't worry yet,
if I were you.
It's just a psychological manifestation,
common among librarians.
She thinks she's a coffee table edition,
though I can't say much
for this volume's condition.
I mean there's a hole in the jacket
and the spine appears to be damaged.
You scum, I'll...
(GROANS)
Will you?
Refreshing to hear, not by the book.
Speaking of which, this one won't be
walking off the shelf anytime soon.
In fact, the idea
of her walking anywhere seems remote.
But then, that's always
a problem with softbacks.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, God,
literary discussions
can get so dry, can't they?
Finish the Commissioner, take him where he
needs to be and please, do be careful.
After all, he is topping the bill.
It really is a shame you'll miss
your father's debut, Ms. Gordon.
Sadly, our venue wasn't built
- for the disabled in mind.
- (SOBBING)
(GROANING) Why are you doing this?
To prove a point.
Here's to crime.
You see, I have a reason, a good one.
I have to prove myself...
As a husband and a father.
I mean, well, this isn't the sort of thing
I'd agree to do normally,
without an important reason.
Of course.
Did I ever tell you
I started out as a lab assistant?
Of course, I did, right?
A good job, a real good job,
but my heart wasn't in it.
So, I quit to be a comedian,
to make people laugh
because when they laugh, they feel good.
The thing is... (SCOFFS) They didn't.
Now I'm not feeling good.
That's why I'm here, for one big score!
Hey, can you try and be cool?
Sorry, I usually don't drink at lunchtime.
You're not lying when you say
we'll get away with it?
Nobody will know I was involved?
Not to worry, friend.
We'll take care of you.
We need your help getting into that
chemical plant you used to work in
and into the playing card company
next door.
It's your expertise we appreciate.
And to absolutely guarantee
ain't nobody connects you to the robbery,
you'll be wearing this.
Wait a minute,
I've seen that before in the papers.
That's the Red Hood's mask.
He raided that ice company last month.
Smarten up, wise guy.
There ain't no Red Hood.
Just a bunch of guys
like yourself and a mask.
Right, the most valued member of the crew,
he gets to wear it, no questions asked.
'Cause he needs the...
"He can't afford to be
connected to the job
"so he deserves additional anonymity."
Merits it.
Sure. That makes sense, right? That's you.
But there aren't any eye slits.
How am I supposed to see?
Well, therein lies the beauty.
Two-way mirrors,
just like the cops use, huh?
I don't know, I don't know.
That chemical plant...
I quit 'cause it creeped me out.
So grim and ugly,
it was getting under my skin.
But you know it
like the back of your hand.
Right.
But this ain't about you, though.
No. No, of course not.
Just this once,
then I can lead a proper life.
Exactly.
Can't make a nest
without breaking a few eggs.
(CHUCKLES) That's funny.
No, it's cliche.
So, : , Friday night,
friend?
Starting Saturday morning, I'll be rich.
Just trying to imagine that,
my life, completely changed.
Nothing will be the same...
Not ever again.
(POWERING UP)
(MONITOR BEEPING)
She'll never walk again.
I'm sorry.
Some woman found Ms. Gordon,
name of Colleen Miles.
She found the, uh, victim
in a state of undress.
Undress?
They didn't tell you?
Pretty sick, ain't it?
Leave us alone for a moment.
Barbara, I don't know if you can hear me.
BARBARA: Batman?
Batman.
He took Dad, he...
Oh, God! I remember.
Barbara, take it easy. It's okay.
No, no, it's not okay.
He's taking it to the limit this time.
You didn't see his eyes.
He said he wanted to prove a point.
Said Dad was top of the bill.
What's he going to do?
What's he going to do to my father?
Huh? What?
- Wait!
- Up!
Stop! (SCREAMS)
Up!
(GROANING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
GORDON: No, no!
Don't, please.
Why are you doing this?
Where are you taking me?
- Down!
- What?
- Down!
- (GROANS)
Please, tell me what I'm doing here.
Somebody!
JOKER: Doing?
You're doing what any sane man in your
appalling circumstances would do.
You're going mad.
I remember.
JOKER: (LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
I wouldn't do that.
Remembering's dangerous.
I find the past such
a worrying, anxious place.
Yes, memory is so treacherous.
One moment you're lost in a carnival
of delight, childhood aromas,
the flashing neon of puberty,
all that sentimental candyfloss.
The next, it takes you
somewhere you don't want to be.
Somewhere dark and cold,
filled with damp, ambiguous-shaped things
you'd rather forget.
Memories can be vile,
repulsive little brutes.
Like children, no?
(GIGGLING MANIACALLY)
Barbara.
(GRUNTS)
But can we live without them?
Memories are what our reason is based on.
If we deny them, we deny reason itself.
Although, what's wrong with that, really?
It's not like we're contractually
tied down to rationality.
There is no sanity clause.
So when you find yourself
locked onto an unpleasant
train of thought,
headed for places in your past
where the screaming is unavoidable...
Remember this, there's always madness.
You can just step outside,
close the door on all
those dreadful things that happened.
You can lock them away forever.
THUG: So, everything's
settled for tonight?
We can count on you?
Uh... Well, of course.
It'd be crazy to back out now.
I mean, the worst part,
lying to Jeannie, that's done.
She thinks I have a club engagement.
No reason she shouldn't
keep right on thinking that.
Now, about tonight,
wear a suit and a bow tie.
It's kind of the trademark
with this Red Hood business.
It's what Jeannie
will expect me to wear to the night club.
Ah! It's perfect.
Excuse me, sir?
Could we speak to you outside
for a moment?
Me? But why? I haven't, I mean, uh...
It'll only take a moment, sir.
(INAUDIBLE)
Something you want to tell us, friend?
There was an accident this morning...
Testing the baby bottle heater.
An electrical short and my wife d*ed.
Gee, that's terrible. We're really sorry.
The cops said it was
a million-to-one sh*t accident.
Said I should probably have another drink
before I went to the hospital.
And you should.
Rough break, man,
probably want to be alone, right?
That's cool.
We'll see you back here tonight.
Tonight?
I can't.
There's no reason anymore.
Jeannie's dead.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm sorry about your wife,
but what's happening tonight,
it's no little thing.
And we can't ensure that
anybody backing out remains healthy.
- Uh, but...
- No buts and no exceptions.
Look, tomorrow you bury
your old lady in luxury.
Tonight, you're with us.
Get the picture?
(GRUNTING)
(YELLS)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(GROANS)
I'm going to count to .
One, nine...
I swear to God, man, he ain't been around.
- (SCREAMS)
- Swear to me!
You! I swear to you.
When he escapes, it ain't long till he
comes around, recruiting, you know?
But not this time. Nobody's seen him.
(GROANS)
MAN: Yeah?
Step away from the door.
Oh, sh*t.
(MAN SCREAMS)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
You done?
- Yeah, I heard he got out again.
- You heard?
Read.
Calm down, I have no idea where he is
or what in the hell
he's got planned, trust me.
I can't trust you.
No, but believe me.
If I knew anything, I'd tell you, honest.
People in my, uh...
Let's call it "line of work."
Criminals.
Yeah, we may be scared of you.
We're terrified of him.
Order in the court! Order in the court!
I'll have ham on rye.
(ALL GROAN IN DISGUST)
It doesn't have to be good
to be a classic.
So, Commissioner, I need your help.
Is that why I'm here?
That's why you're here right now,
like right now, as in this moment.
Do me a favor and live in it, okay?
Anyway, me and my colleagues,
we couldn't come up with
one sound mind and body between us.
So, we're counting on yours.
What should be done with someone
who has no regard for the law?
ALL: Yeah!
WOMAN: He's right.
Someone who treats people like meat!
A man who has no problem
brutalizing his fellow man to get his way.
- Now, now.
- What would you do to a man
who breaks the laws
you are sworn to uphold?
A monster who ignores
everything you stand for!
Come on, is it that bad?
Yes, it is, and if it were up to me...
Right now, it is.
I'd throw the book at him.
ALL: (CHANTING) Throw the book!
Throw the book!
Throw the book! Throw the book!
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
What are you waiting for?
Throw it! Throw it!
- (ALL CONTINUE CHANTING)
- JOKER: Throw it! Throw it!
Throw the book!
Right on target.
Truth is, Commissioner,
the man on trial here,
you consider your friend.
WOMAN: Nope, which is funny.
Funny?
Yeah, he usually comes
around here, right away.
Like before it's even on the news,
he broke out of the nuthouse again,
he's had a roll.
You'd think the most important
thing for him is to...
What?
- (GIGGLING)
- Have a good time.
So, why do you think
he hasn't been to visit?
I don't know.
Maybe, he found himself another girl.
Hey, somebody wants you.
(WHIMPERING)
Uh-uh-uh. No fair hiding.
(WHIMPERING)
Ugh. Well, I'd see why.
You don't look so good.
Well, I don't blame you, not when that
bowl of cherries some call life,
turned out to be the pits of hell.
(CHUCKLES)
Perhaps, a song might
bring a smile to your face.
(SINGING) When the world is full of care
And every headline screams despair
When all is r*pe,
starvation, w*r and life is vile
Then there's a certain thing I do
Which I shall pass along to you
That's always guaranteed to make me smile
Yes!
I go loony
As a light bulb-battered bug
Simply loony
Sometimes foam and chew the rug
Mister, life is swell in a padded cell
It'll chase those blues away
You can trade your gloom for a rubber room
And injections twice a day
Just go loony like an acid casualty
Or a Moonie or a preacher on TV
(LAUGHING)
When the human race wears an anxious face
When the b*mb hangs overhead
When your kid turns blue
It won't worry you
You can smile and nod instead
When you're loony
Then you just don't give a fig
Man's so puny
And the universe so big
Barbara? No!
If you hurt inside, get certified
And if life should treat you bad
Barbara! Barbara!
Don't get even, get mad
Barbara!
Yes!
Ah, here they are now.
Holy Christ! That must be
the best ghost train in the business.
I mean, when they went in,
the fellow in the middle
didn't look a day over .
(LAUGHING) Well, that's what
a dose of reality will do to you.
It's why I never touch the stuff.
I find it waters down the hallucinations.
So, Commissioner, how's things?
Commissioner? Hello? Anybody home?
Oh. This wasn't supposed to
turn out boring.
Oh, put him away in his cage.
We're about to open for business.
Let's hope our main
attraction gets livelier.
Give him time to reflect upon life
and all its random uncontrollability.
THUG : Hey, quit your
daydreaming, friend.
It's showtime.
I was just remembering.
I used to walk along here
to work each morning.
Ah, that's good, real good.
That's just what we need you to do.
THUG : Just guide us through
this stinking factory
so we can get to the joint next door.
And stay far away from us
while we do the dirty work.
It's like we're practically giving you
money by cutting you in on this.
Right now?
Will I be able to breathe?
Not if you smoke.
(CHUCKLES) That's a good one.
Maybe, I should be looking into your line
of work instead of you looking into mine.
You got a funny shaped head.
Maybe I should've been a clown
instead of a comedian.
There. You can see, friend?
(ECHOES) Yeah, but everything's red,
stuffy too and it smells.
Ooh, my voice sounds echo-y.
THUG : Then shut up and get to work.
RED HOOD: Okay, we go through here
past the filter tanks
and then Monarch Playing Cards
is just beyond the partition.
You know this place looks
even worse in red.
- It looks like...
- GUARD: Hey, you! Freeze!
Come on, come on, get 'em up!
Murph, get some men over to the rear bays.
We're being robbed by the Red Hood Mob.
You assh*le!
You said there was no security.
RED HOOD: They must have altered things
since I left.
- (AIR HISSING)
- It's so loud.
For God's sake, run!
This is all screwed up, run!
Man, which way?
I can't see where I'm going.
You useless son of a bitch.
(BOTH GROAN)
I'm not the guy you want.
It's him! He's our ringleader.
He's the Red Hood.
GUARD: He's pulling a g*n!
(GROANS)
No, no, no, no, no!
BATMAN: Stop!
No more sh**ting.
I'll take care of this my way.
It's that human bat guy.
RED HOOD: Dear God,
what did I do to deserve this?
BATMAN: So, Red Hood,
we meet again.
Stay away from me,
don't come any closer, you monster!
Uh, uh... (SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
It burns!
I'm itching all over. What's...
(LAUGHING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
JOKER ON PA: Ladies and gentlemen,
although there doesn't
seem to be either here.
How about children of all ages?
You must have received your free ticket.
Oh, I'm so glad.
(CAROUSEL MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTING)
(MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS)
(FLOOR CREAKING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(COUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(GROWLS)
(GRUNTING)
(GROWLING AND BARKING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
children of all ages,
I give you the average man.
Impressive, eh?
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Ooh! (CONTINUES LAUGHING)
(GROANS)
(LAUGHING)
Jim.
Jim, are you still...
Oh, God. Oh, God.
It's okay, let it come.
He showed me pictures of my daughter.
Have you seen her?
Yes, she's alive.
And?
The police are right behind me.
I'll stay with you, until...
No, I'll survive.
Go after him. I want him brought in.
And I want it done by the book.
By the book!
You have to!
We have to show him our way works.
JOKER: Let me ask you something.
What does it matter if you send me back to
the asylum if it doesn't matter to me?
I've proved my point.
Gordon's been driven mad.
I've demonstrated there's no difference
between me and everyone else.
All it takes is one bad day.
That's how far the world
is from where I am,
just one bad day.
You had a bad day once, am I right?
Oh, I know I am.
I can tell.
You had a bad day and everything changed.
Dressing up like a flying rat
doesn't hide it, it screams it.
You had a bad day
and it drove you as crazy
as everybody else,
only you won't admit it.
- (GROANS)
- You have to keep pretending
that life makes sense,
that there's some point
to all this struggling.
You make me want to puke.
(YELLS)
- (CATS SCREECHING)
- Shh.
I mean, what is it with you?
What made you what you are?
Girlfriend k*lled by the mob, maybe?
Brother carved up by some mugger?
Something like that, I know.
Because something like that
happened to me.
Sometimes, I remember it one way,
sometimes another.
If I'm going to have a past,
I prefer it to be multiple choice.
My point is...
I went crazy.
And I'm smart enough to admit it.
Why can't you?
(GROANS)
By clinging to reality, you're denying
the reality of the situation.
(GROANING)
(GROANS)
I mean, do you ever think
about how many times
we've come close to World w*r III over
a flock of geese on a computer screen?
Silly goose, it's all a joke,
everything anybody's ever valued
or struggled for, it's monstrous.
Why can't you see the funny side?
Why aren't you laughing?
(GRUNTING)
Because I've heard it before,
and it wasn't funny the first time.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(GRUNTING)
I spoke with Commissioner Gordon
before I came in here.
He told me he wanted
this done by the book.
You know what that means?
It means that despite all your sick,
cruel, vicious little games,
he's as sane as he ever was.
So, ordinary people don't cr*ck.
Maybe it's just you.
- No!
- (GROANS)
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
God damn it.
Well, what are you waiting for?
Kick the hell out of me
and get your standing ovation.
Come on!
No, not this time.
I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want either of us
to end up k*lling the other.
But we're running out of alternatives.
Perhaps it all hinges on tonight.
I don't know what it was
that bent your life out of shape,
but maybe I've been there, too.
Maybe we could work together.
I could rehabilitate you.
You don't need to be alone.
We don't have to k*ll each other.
Let me help you.
I'm sorry, but no.
No, it's far too late for that.
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
- (CHUCKLING)
You know, it's funny.
This reminds me of a joke.
See, there were two guys
locked in a lunatic asylum
and one night, one night they decided
they didn't like that anymore.
They decided to escape.
So, they made it up to the roof and there,
just across this narrow gap,
they see rooftops,
stretching across town,
stretching to freedom.
Now, the first guy,
he jumps right across, no problem.
But his friend, (CHUCKLES) no way,
he's afraid of falling.
So, the first guy, he has an idea.
He says,
"Hey, I got this flashlight with me.
"I'll shine it across the gap
between the buildings
"and you can walk across
the beam and join me."
But the second guy says,
"What do you think I am, crazy?
"You'll just turn it off
when I'm halfway across."
(LAUGHING) Excuse me.
Hmm.
(BATMAN CHUCKLES)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(JOKER STOPS LAUGHING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Yeah, Dad, I just got back
from the lacrosse game.
Going to practice
some Wallball this weekend.
Getting pretty good.
Maybe another night, Dad,
I got plans tonight.
I can't help it
if your daughter's so popular.
I'll talk to you, later.
(PHONE BEEPS)
(POWERING UP)
Right then, back to work.
Batman: The k*lling Joke (2016)
Moderator: Maskath3