Riddle me this: When is
a door not a door?
It feels like drowning, doesn't it?
When the answer is at the edge of your
cortex, but you can't seem to grasp it.
You're trying my patience.
The answer?
When it's ajar.
Here's an easy one. What runs
around a city but never moves?
No? A wall.
What do you want, Nigma?
I'm in charge, so I'll
ask the questions.
Try to keep up, won't you?
Riddle me this: What belongs to you
but others use it more than you do?
Your name.
Huh?
- You've heard that one.
- No.
I have Google like the
rest of the world.
Why do you talk to
me like this, Waller?
Simple. I needed to keep you babbling
long enough to pinpoint your position.
My... what?
Hands in the air where
we can see them.
Take him out.
Make it hurt.
Riddle me this: Why didn't
I quit when I was ahead?
What is it? Report.
The Riddler is mine.
Switch to night vision.
Secure the perimeter.
Holy crap, it's Batman.
Unh.
I know you helped him, Nigma.
Tell me where it is.
I'm invoking priority
level ultraviolet.
Assemble Task Force X.
We have another su1c1de mission.
Ugh.
Strewth, I got the hangover,
but I don't recall the party.
Aah, crap, not this again.
You too?
It's like a bloody
recurring nightmare.
Looks like we got rookies.
Who are you people?
And why am I in uniform?
No bars, no chains.
Time for meat.
You try it, fish-fingers, and I'll
show you the meaning of cold-blooded.
You're feisty.
Everybody, shut up.
I've been here before.
Ah!
I am leaving.
Stop.
Sit down.
I'm Amanda Waller.
I'm here to indoctrinate you
convicts into our special forces.
Pass.
I k*lled to keep degenerates
off the streets.
I won't work alongside them.
Fresh air and time off my sentence?
Feel free to keep
calling me up, love.
Task Force X is an off-the-books
government strike team...
made up of convicts with
no hope for release...
serving as expendable agents
for impossible missions.
Succeed and I'll shave
time off your sentences.
If we don't?
You'll be dead.
Any other stupid questions?
Yeah, what's in my neck? A tracker?
Yes. And a powerful
nanotech expl*sive.
Run away, get yourself
captured, disobey an order...
hell, give me a right answer too slowly,
and I'll blow your head clean off.
You lie.
You would not take all of
this trouble just to k*ll us.
Try me.
Anyone else?
I didn't think so.
What's so dangerous this time that
you had to send in the newbies?
You're going to break
into Arkham Asylum.
- That's insane.
- Don't want much?
- Screw that.
- I don't do freaky-deakies.
Yahtzee!
How do we start?
Oh. I like you, cowboy.
You're loco and me likey
your loco-motion.
- Aah!
- What's the plan?
A week ago, while in my employ,
a lowlife calling himself the Riddler...
managed to gain access
to my computer system.
He downloaded a file containing
the identities and histories...
of every current, past and potential
member of the su1c1de squad.
Including ours.
That's right.
He's threatening to release
them all on the Internet.
You're going to get it back.
Riddler's got one copy and it's
on a thumb drive in his cane...
which is currently locked away
in the Arkham property room.
In the intensive treatment building, right
under the solitary confinement cells.
Good times.
So we get someone inside.
Is it me? Can it be me? Dibs!
She's a wild card.
Harley Quinn has an
encyclopedic knowledge...
of Arkham's layout
and its logistics.
She gonna be okay that
close to the Joker?
I'm fine. We're done.
He's a jerk.
Whatever.
Well, I'm convinced.
You'll be snuck into Gotham.
You'll rendezvous with a power broker
who will set you up for the break-in.
This is as off-the-grid as it gets, so
let's keep the body count to a minimum.
Deadshot, rubber b*ll*ts only.
What about The Bat?
He has his hands full
on another case.
In fact, we work it right, we might
be able to take advantage of him.
Waller.
What, Lawton?
Play fair and I'll sh**t straight.
Jerk me around and I'll k*ll you.
Be a good convict, Lawton.
Don't make me blow you up.
I'm clear.
Gas them.
What them?
Huh.
I'm getting tired of this trick.
You and me both, cowboy.
Maybe when we get into Gotham,
I can show you around.
I know some tight places.
- Not interested.
- Hmph.
I told you, Harley.
If you're giving it out,
heave a chunk my way, eh?
Ah. You wish.
Shake your boomer-wang
at the shark guy.
- Dc it, and I'll bite it off.
- Ha, ha.
Come on, Harl. For old time's sake?
Are we gonna have a
problem this time around?
I think we might, mate.
No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't trust vermin.
Honorless, rudderless,
undisciplined.
They'll never find your body.
Oh, ninjas are awesome.
You think that means we're there?
I hate heights!
Whoo!
We're not gonna make it.
Waller, please!
Remember this feeling, convicts.
I hold your lives in my hands.
You crazy bitch.
Open the damn chutes.
Do it. Now!
Unh. Aah!
Good one.
Good shark.
Gross.
Where's Harley?
Don't worry, I fell on my head.
Great. How do we get to
the rendezvous unseen?
A few more miles.
Keep moving then.
Aah! This is flipping bonkers.
Sloshing through sewage so a guy
dressed like a bat won't spot us?
You wanna head topside,
slick, be my guest.
No, we're practically there.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Cobblepot.
We're closed. Private party.
Yeah, we're the private party.
This way. He's waiting on you.
Your guests have
arrived, Mr. Cobblepot.
Right, right. Come in.
Welcome to the Iceberg Lounge.
I'm just finishing my supper.
Pardon me, Mr. Cobblepot.
Lawton? Oh, I never pegged
Deadshot for a team player.
Oh, things are tough all over, sir.
That's a good one. Ha, ha.
This man is the best
assassin I've ever seen.
And I only work with the best.
I aim to please, Mr. Cobblepot.
I was told you can
get us into Arkham?
I can indeed.
I've made arrangements to sneak
you into the crazy farm.
Follow them to...
You.
Clown!
You're not still mad about
that truck, are you, Pengy?
Wah-wah.
It feels like you are.
You cost me money, funny girl.
Her and her looney boyfriend
nicked my truck of cigarettes
and drove it into the river.
Just for a laugh.
Does it matter that Mr. J and
I aren't together anymore?
Nobody steals from
me and walks away.
It's bad business, love.
You're right, you should k*ll her.
Hell, I'll k*ll her for you.
Aw, come on.
Except you know what else
is bad for business, sir?
Double-crossing your clients.
And I would hate for folks to say
Mr. Cobblepot takes your money
and kills your operatives.
Get her out of my sight, Lawton.
There's your files.
Memorize the contents.
You can grab some shuteye
in the rooms above.
You deploy tomorrow night
under the cover of darkness...
and then I never want to see
any of you on my turf again.
Now get the hell out of here.
Ever the charmer, ain't you?
Bite me, Boomer.
Ah. Oi, Lawton.
Nice shave, mate.
We got off on the wrong foot
at the start of this mission.
Hoist a pint with us.
Can't. It's a school night.
Ehh, suit yourself.
How about a friendly
game of darts, then?
Lucky sh*t.
Right. Let's see you do it.
Yeah! Come on!
Sorry, mate.
Looks like that one
took a bad bounce.
Oh!
Let's call it even, mate.
Louise? It's Amanda.
I have a special
assignment for you.
Something I'd rather keep
between the two of us.
I'm listening.
Welcome back.
- Did you miss me?
- What do you want?
I got an itch I thought you
could help me scratch, cowboy.
Wow!
Oh. Good start.
Ah, what the hell.
Yahtzee!
Here's my stop.
Wish me luck, cowboy.
There's gotta be one
here somewhere.
You know where he
put it, don't you?
Uh-oh.
Where is it, Harley?
No idea what you're talking about.
Answers.
- Now.
- Ugh!
Back off, Bats.
Where is it?
What's he talking about?
Who knows what these wankers
get worked up about.
I don't know. I swear.
I'm not f*ring blind
against The Bat.
Waller, what the devil's going on?
You don't get to call me up
and demand answers, Deadshot.
What are they talking about?
Joker stole a dirty b*mb and
hid it somewhere in Gotham.
Apparently it's large enough that the
radiation would k*ll half the population.
Batman's torn the city
apart trying to find it.
At one point he thought
Riddler might know.
The Joker has a dirty b*mb?
That gives me the chills.
Ice puns? Really?
Waller, this is crap.
I don't care, convict, do your job.
Honestly, B-man, I don't know
where Mr. J puts half of his stuff.
I just wanted a Chatty Boo-Boo doll
before they went on sale tomorrow.
Get her back to Arkham.
Will do, Batman.
Get in there, you nutty broad.
Mwah.
I'm in the middle of lunch, now I
gotta process this dizzy dame?
Crazy, huh?
Why don't I just toss her in
her old cell and come back?
Yeah, right.
I got, like, half a dozen new forms to
fill out before you can even come in.
We've got 10 minutes
to plant the device.
Where should I dump her?
Put it through the x-ray machine.
Heh. Don't get much
deader than that.
This one's cold as ice.
Hey, buddy, I got nothing in the
system about accepting a new body.
Yeah. Ha, ha.
It says, uh, "Not found."
I came from inside. Run it again.
No, somethings wrong.
I'm gonna have to get security.
The junction box is up
ahead so move your ass.
- Harley?
- Huh!
Is it really you?
sh*t.
Don't screw this up.
Aren't you even going
to say hello? Heh, heh.
Aw, guys, you gotta see this.
Joker just spotted Harley.
Keep walking.
Tell him to shut up.
Aw, I can tell you're still sore.
At least the bruises
cleared up nicely.
What's your hurry, Harl?
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!
Damn it.
Let's move.
Maybe she'll k*ll him.
I hate you, you bastard!
I'll k*ll him!
I'll k*ll him myself for
what he's done to me.
Women. Am I right, officer?
Can't live with them, can't
kick them out of a moving car.
You know the rules, buddy.
I gotta phone it in.
She's dead.
How much trouble could she be?
Nothing goes in or out of
Arkham without being OK'd.
But give me a sec, I'll try to get
ahold of the watch commander.
- Run it again.
- I've tried twice, sir.
I can't lose this job because
your system is down.
Come on, you amateurs.
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Sorry,
hon. Bulletproof.
Even better.
Pudding.
Why, Harley, if I didn't know better,
I'd say you're trying to k*ll me.
We're finished, you and me.
I got someone new
now. Someone better.
Oh, hell. This'll have to do.
Never mind. Just came through.
About time.
Sorry, it's an old system.
No problem.
Let's see what goodies we've got.
Oh, sh*t!
How...? Oh!
Aah! Me goalies.
- That's payback, you dumb-ass.
- Unh.
Walk it off, Captain Kangaroo.
Come on, we're out of time.
- New guy?
- That's right.
You're not jealous, are you?
That's him.
I know you.
We worked together once.
No, wait, don't tell me,
don't tell me. Hmm...
Deadhead, hmm?
Buckshot? Ha, ha!
Hmph. Aah!
I got her.
You can have her.
Bet you buy your shirts
second-hand too. Ha!
Sir, we've got an
expl*si*n on Level E.
He's still secure, sir.
Is that room service?
Tell them I never got my calzone.
Good. I need every available
security down in the kitchen, stat.
We're on yellow alert.
- You're late.
- Ran into her ex. Grab hold.
Put your back into it.
Hey. Nobody's supposed
to be down there.
We just snuck down
here for a little party.
What kind of party?
Crap, you're Harley Quinn!
Don't move, you crazy bit...
I hate Italian food.
Has that kitchen
fire been contained?
Yes, sir.
- Lawton.
- What?
GPS has you in the
main security hub.
What's going on?
We own it, that's what.
Now we grab the cane.
Don't get too cocky, Lawton.
You're at the point of no return.
You best keep that in mind.
That gas expl*si*n put the whole
bloody asylum on yellow alert.
If the security cameras
make us, we're toast.
So shut down all the security cams.
That's a surefire way
to alert The Bat.
What then? Let him watch
us run around like idiots?
Play yesterday's footage.
Aw. Shark Week had
his first thought.
Shut it, Boomer. Say it again.
Play yesterday's footage
at the same time.
I can do that.
And we can operate
without eyes on us.
- You mean Batman's or Waller's?
- Both.
The intensive treatment building
is there, just across the yard.
Let's move.
Low profile.
Frost. Move your ass.
Top priority are those towers.
I can scale them.
No time.
You do two, I'll do two.
Fine. On my mark. Now.
- You missed.
- Wait for it.
Patrol, I need a sweep
of the yard. Ugh!
Boom! In your face.
He got to his walkie. I'd score
that a miss. You two-bit C-lister.
That's it!
U.S.A!
Boys, we got company.
- Shark, no.
- Finally, some action.
So much for low profile.
Status report. I've got
you in the exercise yard,
but you don't show
up on the cameras.
Must be something wrong
with the system.
Damn it. We're a
little busy right now.
I'll call you back.
Don't yank me around, convict.
Get the cane. Get out.
Yahtzee.
Victor Zsasz, we got
you surrounded.
Please. Please don't hurt me.
Let the girl go
before it gets ugly.
The Zombie's mine to liberate.
I have righteous work to do.
I'm not in the mood tonight, Zsasz.
You seem troubled tonight, sir.
It's Harley, Alfred.
She was acting odd.
Odder than usual, you mean?
Like she was happy to get caught.
Maybe she missed her, uh, pudding.
Maybe.
More likely it's linked
to the Joker's b*mb.
Arkham had a yellow
alert this evening.
Everything looks to be in place.
Hmm.
That's Moshell. He
doesn't work Fridays.
Neither does Ferrick.
That's the Thursday crew.
This isn't live. They're
broadcasting old footage.
Somethings wrong at Arkham.
No, no.
Enough, Shark! Put him down!
Ouch!
Do I have your attention now?
Don't break cover in the middle
of an operation unless I say so.
Don't ever do that to me.
Or what? You'll chew my head off?
Do it. I'm begging you.
You think any of you have a sh*t
of getting out alive without me?
That's what I thought.
We're just lucky
this was contained.
Start following orders, all of you.
Why don't you just
calm down, pudding?
Don't call me pudding!
Property room's here.
- Locked.
- Not for long.
Now that's just pathetic.
The warden uses his birthday backwards
for practically all of his passwords.
- How do you know that?
- I used to work here.
Didn't I mention that?
Come on. As what?
As a psychiatrist, silly.
And pal, anyone who throws boomerangs
has some real issues letting go.
Et voilà.
Where do we even begin?
Everyone take a section.
Just start looking.
Bloody hell.
My acid playing cards.
I knew I left them here.
Here's that Batman costume
Mr. J used for the train heist.
Aw.
I've been looking
all over for this.
Here's where it went.
Bingo.
Firefly.
k*ller Moth.
Maxie Zeus.
Never heard of any of these tools.
Mr. Freeze's g*n.
Score.
Ugh.
Thanks.
It's Batman.
Huh?
No way.
The spoils of w*r.
Black Spider just
kicked The Bat's ass?
Mate, I'm a little choked up.
Got the thumb drive.
What?
What the hell?
We've been played.
Where's Frosty?
Frost? Damn it.
Frost!
Easy.
I knew Waller would send someone.
I'm too clever for
her to let me live.
Nothing gets past you, genius.
I'll make this fast.
Do you even know why
you're assassinating me?
The Wall says you screwed her and
to make an example out of you.
And that satiated your curiosity?
I don't ask questions.
I don't believe that.
The human mind always
has questions.
My only question is why Waller didn't just
blow your head off with your nano b*mb.
It's the same reason
she needs me dead.
Because I know how to diffuse them.
Wait, what?
How do you know she's
with the Riddler?
She was eyeballing him
at the monitor room.
So she's got herself a new guy.
After everything I've done for her.
Ooh, we'll see about that.
I'll make five more just like her.
I'll take her skin and
put someone else in it.
Oh, that perfect creamy skin.
Pull yourself together, man!
She mocked you right to your face!
Even dared to call you...
pudding.
Oh, that darling girl!
She might even deserve me.
Okay, babies, let's cook.
Winner, winner, chicken
dinner. Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, Harley, I take back half the
horrible things I've done to you.
They're gone!
Yeah, we can see that,
Harley, but where?
It's Waller.
- I'm here.
- What are you trying to pull, Deadshot?
- You're not checking in.
- We had a bout with The Bat.
But we're past it.
I got your cane, Waller.
We're just looking for an exit.
So you're all together?
Of course. Why wouldn't we be?
Then why has the Special Crimes unit been
called in to protect the medical center?
Maybe Two-Face got a
pair of hemorrhoids.
We're out of here.
Please don't explode. Please don't
explode. Please don't explode.
Shut up. Where's
that medical center?
We're still on yellow alert.
You hear something?
Let me check.
Hey, remember that time
when Mad Hatter...
Smitty?
- Smitty?
- Boo.
Aah!
Smitty!
Put your hands in the air!
- Aah!
- And boom.
I'm just going to slip into
something more comfortable.
So no peeking.
This is the Special Crimes unit.
Surrender and return to your cells.
Light them up!
That worked well.
Then like the hanged man, we
are at the end of our rope.
Wow, I hate you. Unh!
You can thank us later, losers.
- You all right?
- Somewhat.
Glad you made it.
This better be good.
He knows how to turn off the bombs.
Look familiar?
I can do it, but you've got to
get me into the medical center.
We got maybe five minutes before
Waller figures out what's what.
We get to that room or we're dead.
Should've brought a t*nk.
We have one.
No heights.
- You're joking.
- I said, no heights!
I'll guide you. Trust me.
I'm crazy, but that's just nuts!
Step on it.
Go to the right.
Let's move.
Did we win?
Let's see now. We'll need
this on. This for back-up.
Grab a chair.
Whee!
How do you diffuse
this b*mb, exactly?
It's the electroshock.
It's the what now?
I'm gonna run 1000 volts through
your heads and fry your bombs.
Oh.
Good. Put the chairs in a
circle here around Old Sparky.
Oh, I love electroshock! It's a
shiatsu massage for your brain.
Lose those.
I'll keep a lookout.
More cops. Choppers too.
This'll work?
Or give you a grand mal seizure.
I'm clamping you to the chairs
because you're going to wiggle.
I don't trust this fruit loop.
Hmm. A thousand
volts, five bodies...
multiply by five, allowing for
absorption, three-second pulses...
You know what you're doing, right?
Damn it. Don't stop
working. Yeah, Waller?
I am getting reports there's
a break-in at Arkham.
- You're on red alert.
- News to me.
What part of "off the books"
do you not understand?
Are you in the medical center?
We hit a snag.
Batman again?
Spider needed medical attention.
Spider? But he's...
No excuses, Lawton! You get that?
Mm... Uh-huh.
No more crap! No more time!
No more shenanigans!
Uh-huh.
Those scumbags are
trying to screw me.
I never need to do that again.
Are you kidding? I feel great!
Nobody screws the Wall!
- Uh, guys?
- Do it again.
I don't know. Maybe his
skin is too thick?
Best g*n ever.
Why'd his head explode?
Because the b*mb in his neck
didn't diffuse, you assh*le.
So what's his excuse?
Oh, that's rich.
Huh?
Denzel! What have they done to you?
Haven't you solved it yet?
The Black Spider is Batman.
I know that sound.
Someone's flossing their brain.
- Unh.
- Talk! Why are you here?
Amanda Waller wanted
the Riddler dead.
Waller? What's she got...?
I'm here, b*tches!
And I brought favors for everybody!
Whoop!
Yahtzee!
I think this was yours, Deadhead.
Finders, keepers.
Pudding! You're free.
Don't you pudding me.
I go away and suddenly you've got
new friends. Even picked a new guy.
You got it all wrong, baby.
I was using them to
help you escape.
Who else would I break
into Arkham for?
Nobody, that's who.
It'll be just like old times.
Oh.
Hmm.
You. New guy. I don't like
people touching my stuff.
- Go ahead. You're out of b*ll*ts.
- I am not.
You are. You're gonna pull the
trigger, and when nothing happens...
I'm gonna punch you in the
throat and bash your brains out.
Three.
Two.
- One.
- Hold on.
Stop counting for a second.
I know there are b*ll*ts.
See?
Mate, you just
out-crazied the Joker.
This place is crawling with cops.
- I'm gonna k*ll Waller.
- Can we get out of here first?
Mallet.
It's right here, Mr. J.
I was keeping it safe
for you the whole...
It's time for a very big bang.
Why the hell are we running?
We're sitting ducks here.
And whose fault is that,
do you suppose, leader?
I've been carrying this team
all night, you douche bag.
- Uh, fellas?
- Really?
- Is that what you'd call it, eh?
- Guys.
- Guys, listen.
- That's what I'd call it...
- you one-gimmick hack.
- Great, let's split up.
- I'm better off on my own.
- Guys. Batman's here.
Joker. Where did he go?
Don't owe you squat, Bats.
Lawton? We can settle
our business later.
Now, where's the Joker?
He and Harley took their
mallet and disappeared.
That's where he's hidden the b*mb.
Sibilance, testing. Sibilance.
I know you can see me, Bats.
Hope you brought protection because
I'm about to give Gotham...
a terminal case of tainted love...
and it's really gonna burn.
And just in case you were
thinking of stopping me...
I figured I'd invite some
friends to my big blow-out.
Stop.
Please?
I need to find Joker
and stop that b*mb.
Good luck with that, mate.
Gotta get out of here.
Yeah, but what'll get us far
enough to escape that blast?
Well, isn't that convenient?
Out of my way, loser.
Mm.
Mm.
Oh, no, you don't, Lawton.
That's my ride.
Aah!
Only one of us is getting out
of here and it ain't you.
I'll get you for this, Lawton!
Get those gates closed.
Where's our backup?
Now that's what I call backup.
We've got it under control,
Batman. You can take...
And I'm talking to myself.
Again.
Going my way, handsome?
Cute kid.
Hope she doesn't take
being an orphan too hard.
Holy crap!
You know she's gonna
k*ll us, right?
Where's the fricking gas pedal?
Uh-oh. Ha!
Sure. He smacks me
around sometimes...
but you're the one who's
always hurting me.
Now I'm gonna hurt you.
Stop me if you've heard this one.
Listen to me.
Harley, the b*mb.
For someone who's not Batman...
you've been a real pain
in my ass. Ha-ha-ha.
Deuces, new guy.
- Have a seat, pudding.
- Aah!
Bang!
Waller.
You knew when you sent your little su1c1de
squad into Arkham, they'd go off script.
Oh, it's just you.
When your bombs didn't ice them,
you figured the S.C.U. would.
All that, just so you
could k*ll the Riddler.
Let's just say I break a lot
of eggs to make an omelet.
And because you're a messy cook,
the Riddler was able to escape.
I got careless.
- My men will get Nigma next time.
- There is no next time.
No? We're the U.S. government.
Who's going to blow the whistle on us?
The convicts? Who'd believe them?
You? Heh.
You going to start a blog and
expose us? I don't think so.
That's checkmate, Batman.
I'm warning you.
Enough.
Don't they need you back
in your squalid little city?
They never did find the
Joker's body, did they?
Punk.
Motherfu...
Bang.
Batman: as*ault on Arkham (2014)
Moderator: Maskath3