01x13 - Russian Roulette

[bunniefuu]

Oh, boy.

Uh, Jeannie.

Jeannie, bedtime.
Bottle time.

You're going to bed
so early, master?

Oh, yes. Yeah, l got
a rough day tomorrow.

Those Russian cosmonauts
are coming in.

Have a good sleep, master.

l am going out.

-You're going out? Where?
-l have a date.

Captain Healey is going to pick me up
in front of the public library.

Now, wait a minute.
We've been all through this before.

You can't go out
with Captain Healey.

He's turned in his wolf suit.
He wants to marry you.

-l know.
-Yeah, well, he can't.

Why not? l am single.

Yeah, well, you've been single
for years.

Well, that is just it.

-l do not wish to be an old maid.
-All right, look, Jeannie.

l can't let you do this
to my best friend.

He's only read Omar Khayyam.

You used to sit in his tent
and drink wine with him.

Well, l would not be going out
with your best friend...

...if l was married to his best friend.

Yes. Jeannie, we've been
through that too.

There would be many advantages
to being married to me, master.

For instance:

What? What? What are you
trying to prove? Yes.

Well, this is the biggest
advantage of all.

When you are old,
l'll still look like this...

...and you won't have
to chase young girls.

All right, Jeannie.
l'm aware of the fringe benefits.

-But l'm not ready to get married yet.
-Oh, very well.

l have waited for years.
l suppose l can wait a while longer.

Well, sure you can. Meantime, you
won't go out with Captain Healey?

lf it will make you happy.

And if you promise not to go out
with other girls.

Right. No other girls?
l'm a bachelor. Of course l'll go--

-Goodbye, master.
-You got a deal.

ln that case....

Good night, master.

Even if l did marry her, how would l
ever get in that bottle?

-The general will be right with you.
-Thank you, sergeant.

Tony, you've got to
help me find Jeannie.

She vanished
into thin air again.

-Well, l don't know what l can do, Roge.
-l see her once and she disappears.

A woman just can't vanish
into a puff of smoke.

Roger, with women,
logic will get you nowhere.

Well, l'll tell you, l gotta find her.
l'm going crazy.

You see this. Look at that.
lsn't that--?

Hey, that's a lot of carats.

l was gonna put it on her finger
last night, but what does she do?

Stands me up in front
of the public library.

Well, if you want my advice,
forget her.

l don't want your advice.
l want Jeannie.

Good morning, gentlemen.

-Good morning, sir.
-General.

The Russian cosmonauts
are with Dr. Bellows now.

They'll join us in a moment.

The State Department has invited
Majors Posnovsky and Tiomkin here...

...as a gesture of good will.

They'll be staying at my hotel
for two days.

You will be their hosts
and entertain them.

What type of entertainment
would you suggest, sir?

Their stay will be brief...

...but we'd like them to leave
impressed with the flavour...

...and the majesty
of our great country.

So keep them away
from the Watusi festival...

...and the strip joints.

Good morning, gentlemen.

-Good morning, sir.
-Colonel.

Captain Nelson, Captain Healey,
Major Tiomkin and Major Posnovsky.

How do you do?

-Thank you.
-Captains Healey and Nelson...

...will do everything
to make your stay pleasant.

Captain Healey, you'll be in charge
of Major Posnovsky.

Captain Nelson,
Major Tiomkin.

-My pleasure, major.
-Mine too.

l think it's about time for our tour
around the base, right, Dr. Bellows?

The photographers are waiting outside.
Right this way.

The press has been swarming
for an interview with you cosmonauts.

Captain, l am very
direct person.

From moment l see you,
l say, ''This cat is for me.''

Cat?

Oh, yes. Well--
Major Tiomkin, l--

Sonya, big daddy.

l'm sorry l have to leave you
alone tonight, Jeannie.

Oh, l understand. You have this
Major Tiomkin to take care of.

Yes. Yes, l certainly do.

l would only be in the way.

You-- You might, yeah.

We'll probably spend the evening
discussing aerodynamics...

...and playing chess.

Well, l will stay home
and watch television.

lt is more fun
than a flying carpet.

Good, good.

Well, off to an evening of chess.

-Master.
-Yeah?

What does this
Major Tiomkin look like?

Oh, you know,
all eyebrows, heavyset.

Average Russian.

-Something like this?
-Yeah.

Well, yes.

He has a little more
hair than that.

Well, he doesn't have a beard.

Does he look like this?

Well, you're getting close...

...but his physique
is a little different.

Like this?

Yeah, yeah.
That's more like it, all right.

Jeannie, please, l can explain.

There's nothing to explain.
You have broken your promise.

l didn't break my promise.
General Barkley broke my promise.

-He ordered me to take out--
-Play chess?

Which one of you
will make the first move?

He gets his orders
from the State Department.

Try to understand
why l have to take out Sonya.

Major Tiomkin.

Of course, master.

And try to understand why
l must go out with Captain Healey.

-No, that's different.
-Good night, master.

You're being childish.
Wait, wait, wait!

That's General Barkley.

At least get back in the bottle
until he's gone, please.

Very well. l would not
want you in trouble.

Thanks. Now, if it's not
General Barkley, l'm--

l'm gonna leave you in there
until you cool off.

l'll let you out in
two or three days.

Would you cut that out, huh?

-Oh, hi, Roge.
-Ready?

-Yeah. Yup.
-You better grab a raincoat.

Cocoa Beach is having
California weather.

-All right.
-Oh, boy, l tell you.

You sure you don't have Jeannie's
phone number someplace?

Positive.

You know, on my way here,
l stopped by the library...

...hoping she'd be there. l gotta find
her. l'm going right out of my mind.

Roge, you have a little black book
with names from Abigail to Zelda.

-Forget about Jeannie.
-l can't forget her.

l'll find her if l have to spend the rest
of my life in front of the library.

-Roge.
-Look, you got the girl.

-You're in a hurry.
-Yeah.

lt was wonderful night, Tony.

l wish it could go on forever.

We shake this cube, Posnovsky,
and then we really kick it...

-...around, nyet?
-Well, Sonya, l--

-Oh, sly dog.
-What?

Give me hour, and then we
scooby-dooby at my pad, eh?

-Why did she do that?
-Maybe she knew what l was thinking.

Yeah.

Why don't you come in.
We'll have drink.

Nyet, Sonya. Thank you, gentlemen,
for interesting evening.

Good night.

As a matter of fact,
l have to be running along too.

-What's the rush?
-l have to look in on this friend of mine.

When l left this friend earlier
this evening, he was rather upset.

-l'll see you tomorrow. Good night.
-Good night, Captain Nelson.

Captain, you have
American cigarette?

American cigarette?

Oh, it's beautiful bottle.

lt's in my raincoat,
but that's not my bottle.

lt's very unusual.

You really like it?

-Yours.
-Oh, thank you.

Wait till l show this
to my friends in Russia.

You Americans are very generous.

Well, l better be going.
l have to drop in at the library.

l'm looking for a friend, and--

Marvelous. l'm very sleepy myself.

lt's been such a long day.

Jeannie.

Jeannie!

Look what l brought you.

Jeannie?

Where is your bottle?

Jeannie. Now, come on.
Stop kidding around.

l know you're angry, but--

Look, darling, l--
l know you're angry at me.

lf you'll just come out,
l'll explain everything.

Darling, come out,
wherever you are-- Roger.

-Who are you talking to?
-Nobody.

-You call nobody ''darling''?
-l was talking to myself, you know.

You call yourself ''darling?''
l know you love you, but--

-What are you doing here?
-l figured out where you might have...

-Jeannie's number.
-Forget it!

Remember, you wrote
phone numbers on the wall?

That's new wallpaper there.
We can rip it all off.

l can't rip any wallpaper down.
l lost a bottle.

-A bottle?
-A bottle!

That's funny.
l found one tonight.

-You what?
-Yeah, it was about this high.

-Right out of Antiquesville.
-Yeah, yeah. That's it.

-Found it in my raincoat pocket.
-Oh, Roge. You're a lifesaver.

-Hand it over.
-Too late.

-Sonya liked it, so l gave it to her.
-You what?

-Anything wrong with that?
-Anything wrong?

That bottle's in the hands
of the Russians!

Whoever has that bottle
can rule the world.

Oh, l'm sorry.

l was sure you would come.

l got home, Sonya,
and l said...

...why fight it?

l do not wish to fight.

-Do you like to dance?
-Crazy.

Tonight is the memory
l take back to Russia.

l won't forget tonight myself.

You A-okay dancer.

l improvise as l go along.

lt's probably Posnovsky.

-Oh, good evening.
-Good evening, Major Tiomkin.

l have tomorrow's
itinerary here for you.

Captain Nelson, you still here?

Oh, yes, yes.
l was just leaving, sir.

But Captain Nelson,
you've just come back.

Just come back?
Where were you?

l had to look in on a sick friend.

ln fact, l better go see how
this friend of mine is doing now.

Oh, please. We still have
so much to talk about.

Well-- No, l'd really
better be running.

This friend of mine
could kick up quite a fuss.

But the evening is just beginning.

-My bottle. You're taking my bottle.
-Well....

-You took her bottle?
-No, sir. No, sir.

Captain Healey gave it to her.
lt's really my bottle.

Well, if it's yours, l consider it
even more precious gift.

-Oh, well, it's not exactly a gift.
-Give her back the bottle.

-l can't, sir--
-We'll buy you another one.

Sonya, l'd love to give it,
but it's an heirloom.

lt's been in the family
for generations.

You do not come back to see Sonya.
You come back for bottle.

Well, if that's how Americans
treat their guests, keep it.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.

-Give her back the bottle!
-Oh, sir--

Our government would consider it
an honour if you'd keep the bottle.

lt wouldn't. Believe me,
it wouldn't. l'm not--

Captain Nelson,
l'd like a word with you.

-Yes, but--
-Good night, major.

Sonya. Major. Hey!

Capitalist.

They warned me
about American vodka.

You are my new mistress, master--
Or my new master, mistress.

Oh, it talks.

l am at your command.
You may have anything you wish.

l wish l don't
drink so much vodka.

-Who are you?
-l am your genie.

Whoever has the bottle
commands me.

lt's practical joke.

lt is true.

l can grant you any wish.

Any wish?

l test you. Make Captain Nelson
kick General Barkley.

Oh, no, master.
You would not want to do that.

-Can you do it?
-Well, of course l can.

Do it.

Oh, forgive me, ex-master.

Yes, sir.
Doctor, you can understand--

You kicked a general?

Well, no. No, l didn't, sir.
Well, l--

l know it looked like l did, but l--

You see, it's the foot
at the end of the leg.

You see, l haven't been able
to control it since l walked in space.

He did it.

Just so l am sure,
make him kick Dr. Bellows.

Oh, l'm sorry, ex-master.

l was just--

Well, there goes
that foot again.

Dr. Bellows, l want you to give this man
a complete examination tomorrow.

And if there's nothing wrong with him,
he's mine, all mine.

-But, sir, l--
-Good night, captain.

Good night, sir.

Doctor, l'm sure there's
an explanation.

Sonya. Hey, Sonya, wait.
Wait a minute, Sonya.

Hey, let me in, huh?

Tell you what.
l'll give you $ for the bottle.

Sonya? Let me in.

-You can do anything?
-Anything.

-Major!
-Oh, boy, are we in business.

Yes, yes, thank you.

What do you mean,
she's on her way to the airport?

Major Tiomkin wasn't scheduled
to leave until tonight.

Sergeant, why wasn't l informed
about this change in plans?

All right, all right.
Never mind.

Jeannie, wherever you are...

...if you can do any moonlighting,
grant me this one last favour:

Get me to the airport on time.
Sir.

Now, captain, you and l
are going to have a nice, long talk.

Could we talk a little later, sir?
l'm on my way to the airport.

You're on your way
to a court-martial...

...unless l have
your full cooperation.

Now, let's start at the beginning.

As you know, captain, l've had you
under observation for several months.

l'll only be an hour.
l'll be right back.

To date, you've had hallucinations...

...you've heard voices...

...and now you seem to have
a bottle fetish.

For all these things,
you've had dubious explanations.

-Half an hour?
-But there is no explanation...

-...for striking a fellow officer.
-No. l know that, sir.

That is the ultimate
in irrational behaviour.

l know that.

-Bless you.
-You better watch that foot, doctor.

Flight to Berlin,
has it taken off yet?

There she goes.

We've lost.
The Russians have the bottle.

Roger, will you forget
about Jeannie?

No, l mean,
just consider her gone.

No, no, l mean really gone.
For good.

There's somebody at the door.
l'll talk to you later.

Yes, miss.

Sonya?

Formerly Sonya Tiomkin.
Now Betsy Ross.

-Betsy Ross?
-Yes.

This bottle made me
what l always wanted to be:

Wealthy American.

l think l understand.

Well, well,
welcome aboard, Betsy.

l can guess why you're here.
You have everything you want...

-...and you wanted to return the bottle?
-Yes, it's true.

l have villa on the Riviera,
a mansion in Beverly Hills.

My chauffeur's waiting outside
in my Rolls Royce.

But that's not everything l want.

-Yeah, what else is there?
-You.

-Me?
-l'll make you a deal.

You marry me,
l give you bottle.

Marry you? Well--
Well, l can't marry you.

l mean, well, l want
Jeannie back desperately...

-...but marriage is out of the question.
-Too bad.

You, me and bottle
could have had the world.

Yeah, please...

...at least may l say goodbye
to Jeannie?

Why not? But no tricks.

All right. No tricks.

Oh, ex-master, darling.

l thought l would
never see you again.

l thought l'd never see you
again either, Jeannie.

-There's so much l want to say.
-There's so much l want to hear.

Betsy-- Sonya.

May l speak to Jeannie
alone, please?

All right. But l keep bottle here.

Hurry it up. l want her to tell me
who wins daily double...

-...at Hialeah tomorrow.
-Yeah.

l'm gonna miss you
terribly, Jeannie.

Oh, and l'm going
to miss you, master.

l never realized just how much
l'd miss you until this happened.

-You would like me to stay?
-Of course l--

-You mean, you could?
-lf she frees me.

Well, you heard what she said.

She's not gonna free you, and--
l can't marry her, Jeannie.

lf you want to keep me, you must.

Sonya, l've changed my mind.

lf you haven't changed yours,
l'll marry you.

Darling, l'm going
to make you very happy.

We'll fly to Mexico.
We'll be married before sunup.

Oh, wonderful!

And we can leave that there.

Anything you say, darling.

Stay there.

What's gonna happen
when she finds out...

...she's married a phony Tony?

l do not care, master, darling,
as long as l have the real one.