01x26 - My Master, the Great Rembrandt

Episode transcripts for the TV show "I Dream of Jeannie". Aired: September 18, 1965 – May 26, 1970.*
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Rescued from a bottle by a U.S. astronaut, a scantily clad genie named Jeannie becomes his sl*ve and eventually falls in love with him.
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01x26 - My Master, the Great Rembrandt

Post by bunniefuu »

l finished cleaning
the living room, master.

Now, be careful, Jeannie.
This is my painting arm.

Oh, you finished the living room.
Sorry.

Ten seconds.
Wonderful.

Well, my cousin Marilla
could do it in six.

Oh, that's all right,
Jeannie.

l'm very happy with you
just the way you are.

Oh, thank you, master.

Oh, your picture is beautiful.

-You really think so?
-Oh, yes.

Where will you hang it?

Well, l'm not gonna hang it
anyplace, Jeannie.

Well, then why
are you painting it?

Well, all the astronauts
are doing paintings...

...for the Air Force
benefit show.

They're gonna auction them off.

Yours will be the best.

l hardly think so.

We have some very good
Sunday painters.

There we are. l don't think that's any
competition for Rembrandt.

Here's the original.

l just hope the critics
don't laugh.

You know,
he was a wonderful painter.

l just wish l could paint
like him.

Oh, l have the strangest
feeling, master.

Oh? Of what?

l think the critics
are going to love your painting.

-Good morning, Michelangelo.
-Rembrandt.

Michelangelo, Rembrandt. lf you've
seen one, you've seen them all.

-How do you like it?
-Well, l don't know.

lt's a pleasant, little entry.

l'd like to see more
greys and blues.

Well, the reason l didn't put
the greys and blues--

What am l discussing this
with you for?

You don't know the difference between
a Michelangelo and a Rembrandt.

Well, l may not know art,
but l know what l like.

This is my little entry over here.
How do you like it?

Get over here in the light.
Right there.

Now, what do you think?

-What is it?
-lt's an abstract.

And l bet my painting brings
a bigger price than your painting.

Yeah, l know this is for charity, Roger,
but that's ridiculous.

Well, we'll let
our public decide, okay?

-Good morning, gentlemen.
-Good morning, sir.

Well, l see you brought
your paintings in.

Oh, don't let me
disturb you, major.

This is Major Nelson's painting here,
sir, and this is--

Not bad. Not bad at all.

l think l would've liked to have
seen more greys and blues.

This is my little entry, sir.
lt's nothing really.

-Just a little--
-Oh, you're wrong, major.

-Do you really like it?
-Oh, definitely.

l'd say it was a triumph of...

...matter over mind.

Well, l'll see you gentlemen
at the auction.

Yes.

Matter over mind.
l don't know.

Hey, it must be even greater
than l thought.

Oh, boy!

Rembrandt.

Well, l'll see you
at the auction, okay?

All right, Roge.

-Hello.
-Goodbye.

-But l just got here.
-And you're just leaving.

Now, go home.

But l wanna see your painting
auctioned off.

The last auction l went to
was in Mesopotamia...

...and they were selling slaves,
and it was so exciting!

Now, Jeannie,
we're not selling slaves.

This is not a professional auction.
We're just amateurs, you understand?

No, if any of our paintings sell
for more than $ , it'll be a miracle.

l think your painting is worth
far more than $ , master.

-You're prejudice.
-A little.

l am very fond of Rembrandt.

Well, l'm hardly a Rembrandt.

Now, you better go home
and finish your housecleaning.

Oh, but l have finished cleaning
the house.

-Thirty-seven seconds.
-Thirty-seven seconds? No kidding?

Well, that's a record.

But, see, l can't have you
around here, Jeannie.

Why don't you go out
to lunch, someplace.

Oh, well, all right.

l know a wonderful restaurant
in Atlantis.

-Don't get wet.
-l won't.

-Goodbye, master.
-Bye.

l think you are going to enjoy
your auction.

General Peterson asked me to
express his appreciation to you...

...for coming down here and helping
us with our auction.

We're very fortunate in having
two of the foremost art experts...

...in the world here.

lt's all in the name of charity,
Dr. Bellows.

Yes, indeed. Sweet charity.

Where would you like me
to put this, sir?

Here, let me see it.

-Not bad.
-Do you really like it, sir?

The frame. The thing in it?

Why don't you hang it
on the wall over there, major.

Yes, sir. Amateur.

Oh, excuse me.

Well, now, l think we'd better
get this auction started.

Oh, l hope l'm not late, sir.

No, no, no.
We're just about ready to begin.

Now, this is Major Nelson.

-Dr. Van Weesen.
-How do you do?

-l am Dean Geller.
-How do you do, sir? A pleasure.

-Where do l put this, sir?
-Well, anywhere over there.

Another abstract?

Oh, no, no, no.
This is a copy of a Rembrandt.

The amateurish quality
comes through, of course.

Of course.
Anyone can see that....

Second-rate. Very second-rate.

Yes. lt is definitely second-rate.

Well, l'll just hang it up over here.

-Let me help you.
-l'll take care of it for the major.

-No, that's quite unnecessary.
-Allow me.

-l do know how to hang a picture.
-Please, allow me.

-l'm sorry to insist--
-Gentlemen.

l'm afraid they're very nice,
aren't they?

How would you like to be
our auctioneer, major?

Me, sir? Well, l don't
really know anything about it.

Oh, there's nothing to it.
You find a few kind words...

...to say about each painting.

You may have to lie a little, but--

-And then you get the bidding started.
-l'll give it a try if you want me to.

-Thank you.
-Right over here?

Yes, right there.

You know, this isn't just a copy
of a Rembrandt.

lt looks to me
like a deliberate forgery.

And not a very clever one.

The brush strokes are all wrong.

And the frame, new.

And everyone knows that
the original of this painting...

...is hanging in the Louvre.

Still, it would be nice to have...

...as a conversation piece.

Yes, wouldn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen,
may l have your attention, please?

l'd like to start the auction now,
and bear with me.

l'm kind of new at this.

Our first painting
of the day is by Major Davis.

Major Davis.

Pretty little thing, isn't it, huh?

l'll start the bidding off today
with...

...a bid for $ .

-Fifty dollars. Do l hear sixty?
-Sixty.

Sixty dollars. Thank you
very much, sir. Do l hear ?

-Seventy.
-Seventy dollars! Do l hear ?

-Seventy-five!
-Seventy-five. Seventy-five.

Do l hear ?
Eighty. Seventy-five.

Seventy-five going once.
Seventy-five going twice.

Seventy-five going thrice. Sold
to the lucky gentleman over there.

Take the picture to him, Roger.

The next painting for the day is...

...by Major Roger Healey.

Roger. This is a perfect example
of the neo-primitive school.

Neo-primitive school?

l'm so enthusiastic about it that l'm
gonna start the bidding myself for $ .

Do l hear ?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the
kind of painting that goes well in...

...any room in the house.

Do l hear ?

Please, ladies and gentlemen.

You are missing the bargain
of the day.

An original painting
by Major Roger Healey.

Sixty?

Fifty-five? Oh, come on now, .

Well, guess who just bought
the painting.

Let that be a lesson to all of you.
Thank you, Roger.

You just bought yourself
an original Roger Healey.

Now, let me see.
Oh, the next one--

The third painting is....

This, as you can see,
is a copy of a Rembrandt...

...and l should know.
l painted it myself.

Well!

Now, who'd like to start
the bidding--

l'll bid $ .

Ten dollars. Thank you very much, sir.
Ten dollars. Do l hear $ . ?

-Twenty dollars.
-Twenty dollars.

-Twenty. Do l hear ?
-One hundred dollars.

A hundred? A hundred!
Well, thank you very much, sir.

These two art critics know a great
masterpiece when they see one.

One hundred dollars,
going once, going twice--

-Five hundred.
-Five hundred? Well, l--

-One thousand dollars.
-One thou-- Now, see, l have a bid--

-Five thousand!
-Ten thousand dollars.

You're bidding , for that?

-Fifty thousand dollars.
-Fifty thousand dollars?

One hundred thousand dollars.

Now, wait. No, sir, no,
gentlemen, please.

l don't think you quite understand.
This is not an original Rembrandt.

-l painted it myself.
-Two hundred thousand dollars.

Two hundred thousand--?

That's certainly very
generous of you gentlemen.

l had no idea you were that interested
in the Air Force Benevolent Fund.

Three hundred thousand dollars.
And that is my highest price.

Three hundred thousand?

Take it.

This painting is going for
$ , once, $ , twice...

...going thrice!

Well, congratulations.

Your painting brought
more than my painting...

...and you nosed me
out by $ , .

l don't know what happened, Roge.
The people just went crazy.

Three hundred thousand dollars.

Well, maybe they figured
because it was for a charity...

-...they could use it as a tax write-off.
-Maybe that's it.

Hey, where are you
gonna hang my painting?

-l don't know. l haven't decided yet.
-Treat it gently, won't you?

Come in.

-Major Nelson?
-Yes.

Dr. Bellows would like to see you
in the laboratory right away.

-Thank you very much.
-My pleasure, major.

l'd like to see her in a laboratory.

l wonder what Dr. Bellows wants.

Probably painting lessons.

Very interesting, that.
You see?

Come in.

Oh, pardon me.

-You want to see me, doctor?
-l certainly do, major.

Would you mind
turning the lights on, please.

Oh, yeah.

There's no doubt about it.
This is a genuine Rembrandt.

Oh, no, sir.
That's a genuine Anthony Nelson.

-Believe me. l painted it myself.
-Oh, did you, major?

Then perhaps you'd mind telling me
where you got canvas years old?

Oh, well, l didn't know it was that old.
l just found it lying around the garage.

This pigment is at least years old.

Can you explain that, major?

Well, really there's nothing
to explain, sir.

The art dealer sold me
a bunch of old pigment.

l think you gentlemen
are making a ridiculous mistake.

Major Nelson...

...l am perhaps the world's foremost
authority on Rembrandt.

Harmenszoon van Rijn.

His brush strokes are as familiar to me
as my wife's face.

l don't know about your wife's face,
but those brush strokes are mine.

Besides, isn't the original
hanging in the Louvre?

We thought that it was.

The one in the Louvre
must be a fake.

There is no question about the
authenticity of this painting.

Are you beginning to get
the picture, major?

But, sir, l don't know
anything about art.

l just know what l painted.

Now, look, if you'll just go look at
the bottom right-hand corner of this...

...that you'll see that Rembrandt
has signed it: '' Rembrandt.''

Jeannie....

-Harmenszoon.
-Yeah.

Now, major, you're going to tell
us where you got this painting.

-Well, l'm afraid l can't, sir.
-And l'm afraid you'll have to.

You see, major,
if you painted this picture...

...and signed it Rembrandt
and sold it...

...you're guilty of conspiracy
and grand larceny.

On the other hand,
if you didn't paint it...

...and it's the original Rembrandt
that was hanging in the Louvre...

-...then you're guilty of theft.
-And grand larceny.

And grand larceny.
l can't wait to hear what your choice is.

Jeannie! Jeannie!
This is your master calling, Jeannie.

Where are you?

Hi, Jeannie.

Hello.

-What are you doing?
-l am painting a van Gogh.

lsn't Rembrandt good enough
for you?

-Did the auction go well, master?
-Oh, no, it went great.

l can't tell you what
a sensation my painting caused.

Oh, l am glad.

-What did you get for it?
-About years.

-l do not understand.
-Jeannie, it's against the law...

...to go around painting
original Rembrandts.

But why?
He painted so beautifully.


Because they're gonna put me in jail
for it. Dr. Bellows has given me...

...until tomorrow morning
to explain that painting...

...and l couldn't explain it
in a million years.

l am sorry,
but l only did it because--

Well, because you said you wished
you could paint as well as Rembrandt.

Will you stop listening to me?

Tony?

-Tony!
-l'm up here, Roger.

Hi, Jeannie. Hi, Tony.

Hey, l just figured out
what must've happened.

Look, you painted the picture,
Jeannie blinked and turned it...

-...into the real thing.
-Brilliant!

From now on,
we'll call you Rembrandt.

Oh, Roger! That's about
as funny as a court martial.

And that's exactly
what's gonna happen to me...

...if l don't explain that thing
by tomorrow morning.

Why don't you tell him the truth?
That's always the best thing.

Just tell them
that Jeannie--

Court martial? Well, look,
why don't you have Jeannie paint...

...another Rembrandt,
and then everyone'll be confused.

l will be happy to.

No. l'd still be in trouble.

Why don't you have somebody say
the picture's a fake.

Well, l thought of that.
lt wouldn't work.

How do you know
it will not work?

Because Dr. Bellows is flying
over Pierre Millay from Paris.

-Pierre Millay? No kidding?
-Yeah. Yeah!

Who's he?

Pierre Millay is the art expert
at the Louvre.

He's the world's
foremost expert on art.

Oh, boy. Well, the world is gaining
a Rembrandt...

...but losing an astronaut.

Are you standing there, telling me
Major Nelson painted a Rembrandt?

Well, of course he didn't
really paint it, general.

He pretended to.
But l have two art experts...

...who swear that it's genuine.

Art experts have been known
to make mistakes.

Oh, l'm aware of that, sir.

So l've taken the liberty of flying in
the greatest art expert in the world:

Pierre Millay, from the Louvre.

And if he says it's genuine?

Then Major Nelson will have to explain
why he has a stolen Rembrandt.

And once he does that, then l think
we can make him explain...

...a lot of other mysterious things that
have been happening around here.

l've waited a long time
for this day, general.

-Major Nelson.
-Yes, sir.

Monsieur Millay will be here
any minute. Shall we go?

l don't think it'll be necessary, sir.
There's something l want to tell you.

l'm sure there is.
But l don't want to hear it.

-You don't want to hear it?
-That's right, major. This time...

...you're gonna make your explanation
in front of General Peterson.

-l want him to hear it.
-But, sir, really--

Major, the general is waiting.

l want you to know l don't
believe a word of this, Tony.

But since Dr. Bellows
is making an issue of it...

...it's my duty
to get to the bottom of it.

l understand, sir, and there's no point
in waiting for Mr. Millay any longer.

l may as well tell you that,
well, this painting--

Monsieur Millay!

You must be Dr. Bellows.

Yes. How kind of you
to come all this way.

As you Americans say, the wild horses
could not keep me away.

-This is General Peterson.
-How do you do?

-Monsieur.
-And this is Major Anthony Nelson...

-Monsieur.
-...alias, Rembrandt.

But if this is a joke,
l do not understand it.

Oh, you will, Monsieur Millay.
You will.

Are you ready to make your
confession now, major?

l may as well, sir.
You see, this picture is really a--

A fake.

-What did you say?
-lt is a fake. A fraud.

How you say? A phony.

Are you trying to tell us that this
is not a genuine Rembrandt?

That is what l am saying.

But l have two experts
who say it's genuine.

And l...

...l, who am the greatest
art expert in the world...

...l tell you it is a fake.

A child could see it like this.

This could have been
painted by him.

Oh, yes.
As a matter of fact, it was.

-Doctor.
-Yes, general.

l've done it again.

Since you said all the time
that you painted it...

...and since the money was for charity,
there's no fraud involved.

Do you agree with me,
Dr. Bellows?

Well, l....

Yes, general.

l think there's something you'd like
to say to Major Nelson, isn't there?

l....

l apologize, major.

Oh, that's all right, sir.
Everybody makes mistakes.

And some of us make more
than others.

l'm sorry you had to come all this way
for nothing, Monsieur Millay.

But it was not for nothing,
monsieur.

Here is my bill.

Five hundred dollars?

Make the check out
to your favourite charity.

Why, yes, doctor. You could make
your personal donation...

...to the Air Force Benevolent Fund.

-Oh, but, general, l--
-l'll see you in my office, immediately.

-Did l do well, master?
-Oh, Jeannie! You were wonderful.

-l'm glad you're pleased.
-l'm just sorry for poor Dr. Bellows.

Now, you pop out of here
and go home.

l'm gonna take you out tonight,
and we're gonna celebrate.

That would be wonderful,
master.

l'll bet l could've been
a pretty good painter at that.

Pardon. Could you help me, please?

l am looking for the office
of Dr. Bellows.

Oh, certainly. Make a left turn
at the end of the corridor...

-...and it's the first door on the right.
-Merci.

Hey, hey! Come in here.

l can't have you
wandering around these halls.

-l want you to go home.
-You want me to go home?

Take off your beard,
and put on your prettiest dress.

Take off my beard
and get into my prettiest dress?

-You and l are going dancing tonight.
-Hey, monsieur.

Oh, and drop the phony accent.
l'm amazed you got away with it.

That art expert act of yours
was one of the best l've ever seen.

l wish l had a picture of
the expression on their face--

Welcome to America, Mr. Millay.

-Can l take your hat, sir?
-Major Nelson, l--

You still here?

Still here?
But l just got here.

And there was no one to meet me
at the airport.

Oh, that's too bad, but l'll see to it
that someone takes you out...

...to the airport to catch
the next plane back to France.

Catch the next plane
back to France?

But l flew miles in order
to see our genuine Rembrandt.

l'm sorry we had to disappoint
you, sir.

lf you want my candid opinion,
Monsieur Millay...

...as an art critic,
you're highly overrated.

Carl was right.

All Americans are crazy!

l go home!

Monsieur.

Art expert.

Well, at least he can tell a phony
Rembrandt when he sees one.

Oh, there's one thing that's
been bothering me, Major Nelson.

Yes, just before we went in
to see General Peterson...

...you were about to make
a confession.

Oh, yes.

And l was just wondering
what it was.

Oh! Yes. l just
wanted to tell you that--

Yes? Yes?

l didn't think l'd ever
really be a Rembrandt.

And then when l said l wanted to
dance with him, he turned white.

Oh, l don't blame him.
You're a terrible dancer.

Oh, poor Dr. Bellows.

They are sending him away
for a long rest.

Well, l think he deserves
a rest.

Hey, have you decided where you're
going to hang my painting yet?

-Yeah. Right there.
-Right there? Right where?

Jeannie.

Oh, very funny.

Well, l still don't know why
no one bid on my picture.

Oh, perhaps they are not yet
ready for you, Major Healey.

Well, maybe you're right.

l really enjoyed painting that picture.

lt was the most relaxing thing
l ever did.

Then you must paint more often,
master.

Yeah, but it looks so easy.
l wish l knew how Rembrandt did it.
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