07x03 - A Match Made in Hell

[bunniefuu]

(church bells ringing)

Coop, Megan,

welcome.

Hello, Reverend. We're
ready for the ceremony.

Thank you for, um, fitting
us into your busy schedule.

No problem. Follow me.

MEGAN: Lexi!

What is going on?

We're getting married!

You can't marry her!

You have to marry me!

For the money! I need the money!

MEGAN: Lexi, you're
making a scene!

We have a plane to catch.
Our honeymoon is in Hawaii

and you're... you're
ruining everything.

(wheels squeaking)

No! Oh, my God!

No!

What?

- What is...
- Don't worry, my child.

It will be quick and painless.

It's a double duty day.

Oh, my God, no!

No! Please! No!

REVEREND: Let us begin.

Do you, Coop, take Megan

to be your wedded wife?

The Lord is my
shepherd, I shall not want.

And do you, Megan, take Coop

to be your wedded husband?

To have and to hold?

He leads me by safe pastures.

Nothing shall I fear.

As long as you both shall live?

I-I do.

- I-I don't.
- LEXI: No!

I don't.

- I-I do. I do.
- Help me!

Though I walk in the
valley of darkness,

I will fear no evil.

No! Oh, God!

No! No!

Evil. Oh, God.

Evil. Fear.

(car horn honking)

What? Hey, Megan, you all right?

Oh, my gosh, yeah.

I just had this dream that...

Oh, my God.

We were in our, uh,
in our wedding clothes.

We were gonna get married,

and Lexi was in prison,
and there was this minister,

and he was gonna

jab her in the arm
and then execute her.

Hey, hey, calm down, honey.

(laughs) You were dreaming.

I promise you, they don't
k*ll you for tax evasion.

Yeah, but they
have Lexi locked up.

Megan, I've told you before:

Lexi has got an army of lawyers,

she's got a ton
of wealthy friends.

Believe me, she's not
rotting in a jail cell somewhere.

I know, but it's just not fair

that she's being punished for
something that her father did.

Will you listen to me, please?

Lexi can take care

of herself.

Now, for your own sake,
you got to let this go.

I can't.

Okay, we can't.

We can't just turn
our backs on her.

This is something
horrible that's happening

to somebody that we know,

somebody that
you were married to,

and somebody that you
supposedly care about!

Sure, I-I do. I care about
her, but you know what?

I'm not gonna marry Lexi.

I'm not gonna
marry her for money.

I'm not gonna
marry her for pity.

I'm not gonna marry
her for anything.

I can't believe you
can live with yourself,

when you could've done
something and didn't.

I can because I
live for you, not Lexi.

Damn it, you should do the same.

(door closes)

Hey, hi! Uh, welcome home.

Peter, it's been a long flight
home from the Dominican Republic

and I'm tired. Why are you here?

I-I broke up with Lexi
and I'm in love with you.

It's always been you.

Well, uh, you've
got this all wrong.

No, actually I've
got it all right.

It may sound trite,

but I think we were
meant to be together.

No, we're not.

I-I, this is crazy.

No, I-I've finally
figured this all out.

I mean, call it crazy,

it may be forces,
or fate, whatever,

but you're divorced from Kyle

and, and I'm not with Lexi.

Peter, I'm not
divorced from Kyle.

But I thought that's why
you went down there.

Well, I know, but
it's a long story.

I went for a divorce,
but Rory was along...

It's, it's complicated.

But the bottom line is that

Kyle and I love
each other and...

(laughs) we got married again.

KYLE: Hey, Pete!

What are you, the
welcoming committee?

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

Look, uh, this being
our first night back,

I don't think we want to spend

too much time talking,
so why don't you

come to the reception
on Thursday night and, uh,

we'll catch up then?

Oh, good, good. Sure, why not?

AMANDA: You understand, right?

Yeah, of course, of course.

Welcome home.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I got friends ♪

♪ Mmm, so sweet ♪

♪ To sing to when I'm passing ♪

♪ On the street ♪

♪ I got my guitar ♪

♪ To play when I'm down, yeah ♪

♪ And microphone light
enough to rock this town ♪

♪ But it all comes down
to nothing in the end ♪

♪ When you ain't got love ♪

♪ But you ain't got love ♪

♪ But it all amounts
to nothing in the end ♪

♪ When you ain't got love ♪

♪ But you ain't got love ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Swear I know ♪

♪ What you see ♪

- (siren wailing)
- ♪ Just another whiny ♪

♪ Guitar boy in me... ♪

(door opens)

Michael, I'm so
glad you're here.

You know, it's not every day
a woman gets an ultrasound.

Yeah, well, I'm only here
'cause a surgery got canceled

and I had time to k*ll.

And there's only so much time
a guy can spend in a cafeteria,

reading medical journals.

Hey, I'm reading, too.

Parenting... You
should check it out.

Listen, where the
hell's the doctor?

She's on her way.

Hey, give me your hand.
The baby's kicking again.

Well, of course he
is. You're his mother.

I'm surprised he's not
screaming bloody m*rder

or holding up a liquor store.

(door opens)

- Hi, Taylor!
- Hi!

Michael, what are
you doing here?

Uh, I'm Taylor's, uh, pal.

We live together.

Temporarily.

He's the daddy.

- Um...
- Oh.

Ellen, I'd appreciate it if
you keep that between us.

You know, a story like this
could get around this hospital

like an epidemic.

No need to be scared
of the truth, sweetie.

Taylor, a favor,
please: put a cork in it.

Listen, your business
is your business

and I'm just here to see to it
that this baby is born healthy.

So, are you ready?
It's gonna be cold.

- Okay.
- Whoo!

- Whoa!
- (giggles)

Okay.

- And there we go.
- (beep)

- (whooshing)
- Okay.

Take a look.

TAYLOR: Oh, my God.

Oh!

ELLEN: Nice and healthy.

Everything's normal.

Look at that. (gasps)

Okay.

And...

here you go.

The first photograph
of your unborn son.

Oh, my God, it's so amazing.

Michael, our own
little human being.

Hmm.

ELLEN: Oh.

Here's one for
you, too, Michael.

Uh, no, thanks. You've
seen one baby picture,

you've seen 'em all.

- Michael!
- Fine.

See you later.

(phone rings)

(sighs)

So understand, Chris,
you're a hell of a shortstop.

If you don't keep
your grades up,

I'm gonna have to
suspend you from the team.

But, Coach, that isn't fair!

Hey, life isn't fair.

Sometimes it can
even be a real bummer.

Hey, guys, you want to
stop giving my girlfriend

the once over and get
back out on the field?

Let's go! Come on.

Am I still your
girlfriend after last night?

I don't think we should break
up after one little argument,

do you?

No, of course not.

That's why I came
here, to apologize.

I've been such an emotional mess

since this whole Billy
and Jennifer thing

and I've been

taking it out on you.

Hey, Billy's your husband,
you have a right to be upset.

Yeah, but my marriage is over.

So now I got to move on with it.

Well, you'll get no
arguments from me.

(laughs) I didn't think so.

I would love to just start over.

Just put all this old
baggage out of my mind

and act like it was
when we first met.

Okay, it's a deal.

As long as I get to
do what I wanted to do

the first time I
laid eyes on you.

(moans)

(jazz music playing)

Megan, I'll have
another martini.

Uh, how about a cup
of coffee, instead?

Make it Irish and
you got a deal.

You know, you don't have
to punish yourself, Lexi.

Oh, come on, Megan.
What planet are you from?

Alcohol kills the pain.

No, it doesn't. Look,
no more drinks, all right?

Hey, I'm not driving anywhere.

Hell, I'm going nowhere, fast.

Listen, I'm, uh, I'm
glad you're out of jail,

and that you're doing all right.

Yeah, just dandy.

You know, Peter bailed me out.

(laughs) First, he dumps me,
and then he takes pity on me.

You know, they
took my picture, too?

Yeah, my new name is
now two-six-four-oh-one.

(laughs)

Maybe I should play
that in the lottery, huh?

My chances of winning
ten million dollars

are a hell of a lot

better than Coop
ever marrying me.

How did he take
my incarceration?

Hmm? Lose any sleep over it?

(snorts) Probably not.

You know, I'm gonna,
uh, check on that coffee.

(upbeat jazz playing,
crowd chatter)

- Hey, listen, I-I just...
- (Megan sighs)

wanted to come by and
apologize for this morning.

Yeah, well, you know? At this

point, apologies aren't enough.

You have to take action.

Will you please drive Lexi home?

LEXI: Oh, well, there he is.

The Cooper Man. (laughs)

Want to share a little
nightcap with a convict?

Hey, give it a
rest, Lexi, all right?

I'm trying to talk to Megan.

Oh, hey, Coop, talk is cheap.

- Too bad my taxes aren't.
- (Megan clears her throat)

Megan, if I wanted
coffee, I would have gone

to Starbucks.

Lexi, you need to sit
down and sober up, okay?

Megan, stop trying to
take care of her, all right?

She obviously
doesn't want your help,

and she doesn't appreciate it.

Yeah, well, you know what?

Someone's got
to look out for her.

All right, fine.

You know what? You
win. I'll take her home.

But I'm telling you, Megan,

this better be the end of it.

- Let's go.
- Hey!

Where are we going?
Dancing? Bowling?

Hey, I'm up for anything.

Excuse me.

LEXI: Hey... Hey, Kyle.

Hey.

(Lexi clears her throat)

Oh, wow, it's packed.

I think it helps to have
Dave Koz in the house.

(playing upbeat jazz)

Hey, you guys, you're back!

Everything worked out?
You stopped the divorce?

No, but we got married again.

For the second and last time.

Well, however it
happened, congratulations.

It's nice to see things work out

- for two people who are so in love.
- AMANDA: Oh.

- Thank you for all of your help.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, if you need me,
we'll be in my office,

making our wedding
reception plans.

Um, could you possibly
close up tonight?

I've been doing it for weeks.

Uh...

I guess I'll be the
understanding wife

and try and wait up for you.

Yeah.

I promise I'll make it
well worth your while.

Ooh, hoo, hoo!

Hmm.

Oh, well, you are
quite the escort.

Go to bed.

Oh, Coop, I want
you to marry me.

You'll make my problems go away.

I mean, we'd still have

a strictly platonic
relationship, hmm?

Hell, we could
all live together...

You, me and Megan.

(Lexi laughs, Coop scoffs)

And you two can make
kissy-face hours a day.

Damn it, am... am
I... am I the only one

who sees how insane this is?

I mean, what kind
of wacked-out father

puts a marriage
stipulation in his will,

a secret clause with a
ten million dollar jackpot?

I mean, come on.

Inheritances are just supposed
to be about family things,

like-like keepsakes
and-and houses

and jewelry and... armoires.

All right, okay, my
father was a lunatic.

But you know what they say

about sins of the father, hmm?

Yeah, well, I'm not
entirely convinced

you're not following
in his footsteps.

Oh, Coop, is marrying
me really that repulsive?

I mean, it's only make-believe.

Besides, we've always
been great pretenders,

you and me, hmm?

I got to go.

Oh, Coop.

Hey, don't you
remember this, hmm?

You bought this for me on
our first wedding anniversary.

Not only do I not remember,
but I could care less.

Oh, Coop.

Come on.

Some of the softest
lace you've ever felt.

Just a little touch.

(Lexi gasps)

You're embarrassing yourself.

(Lexi sighs)

Yeah, I am pitiful.

I'm so pitiful.

I deserve what... what I get.

I deserve prison.

Come on, Lexi.
It's-it's not your fault.

You're just caught
up in a bad situation.

(crying): God, did he
hate me that much?

Why did my father do this to me?

Oh, he didn't hate you.

Just... the old man...

He couldn't handle his own life,

so he thought he'd
manipulate yours.

I'm so alone, Coop.

I feel so empty.

I don't have a
friend in the world.

Nobody cares. Nobody cares!

That's not true. I...

(crying): It is.

I'm your friend.

I... I care.

Oh.

No. Look, I care. Come here.

Oh, Coop.

- Come here. There.
- (Lexi sniffles)

Oh, God.

(crying)

- It's gonna be okay.
- Oh.

MICHAEL: So, uh, Kary,

how do you like, uh,
being the new receptionist

here at Mancini, Burns, Cooper?

KARY (giggling): Isn't it
Burns, Mancini, Cooper?

MICHAEL: Yeah, well,
only because I'm a nice guy,

and I let other people's
egos go before my own.

(laughs) Oh, that's sweet.

I mean, to work for three
good-looking doctors...

It's a girl's dream come true.

Yeah. Yeah, but, uh,
who do you like the best?

Now, never mind that

Coop's taken, and-and
Peter's a little unstable.

(Kary laughs)

- Hmm.
- Come on, come on.

(Kary laughs)

Oh, did I mention

that I can get you moved from
temp to something a little bit

- more permanent?
- No.

- Did I mention that I was single?
- (door opens)

- Three times.
- Did I...? Hmm.

Excuse me while I file these.

Can I have a word
with you, Michael?

- (stammering) Can't it wait?
- No.

(Michael sighs)

I'm in a very dark
place right now, Michael,

and watching you come
on to our new secretary

on her very first day
doesn't help my mood.

What's the big
deal? I'm a free man.

(Peter scoffs)

- She works for us!
- All the better.

Did you see that
dress she has on?

What I wouldn't give
to peel that thing off.

The last thing that
this office needs

is a sexual harassment lawsuit.

Hey, I'm a great-looking guy,

and Kary was
enjoying our repartee

every bit as much as I was.

Well, this is a doctor's
office, not a dating service!

Oh, I get it. You're jealous.

You got your eye
on Kary, too, huh?

Michael, I am not
interested in Kary.

Unlike you, I am looking
to put my life together

with someone that I care about.

Oh, let's see. Who
would that be? Lexi?

Oh, no, you soured on her.

And Taylor, well...

Nobody in their right
mind would go after her.

Then there's, uh,
Megan, but, you know,

she's too smart to
be interested in you.

Amanda?

Again?!

Get out of here!

Now!

You listen to me. I have
some advice for you.

I don't want it.

Stop chasing ex-wives,
former lovers and old flames,

because once they've
dumped you, it's over.

Trust me, I should know.

Thanks for the tip. Bye.

(sighs)

(knocking)

(sighs) I'm sorry to bother you.

Can I come in?

- Um, sure.
- Thank you.

(Lexi clears her throat)

Can I, um... offer
you something?

Juice or coffee?

No thanks.

Coop was never any good
at hanging his things up.

You know, sometimes I'd have
to make a little game out of it.

"Promise to hang up your things,
and I promise to do the dishes."

(Lexi laughs)

Kind of miss those little
things about being married,

those fun challenges. (laughs)

So, where do you stand?

Any chance you'll get the money?

LEXI: Are you kidding me?

My attorneys tell me

there's nothing
else they can do.

The IRS wants to seize
my personal assets.

(Lexi laughs)

I hope they let me
keep my wedding album.

God knows it doesn't mean a
damn to anyone but me and Coop.

If you're trying to, uh,

make me feel sorry for
you, you don't have to.

I already do.

I think this is terrible.

It's not pity I'm
looking for, Megan.

Lord knows I've
got plenty of that.

Then what do you want?

Because there's
not a lot I can do.

Yeah, Coop has, uh,

really limited your
options a bit, I imagine.

He loves you
more than life itself.

Listen, I know Coop loves me,

but, um...

I don't know why you're
telling me all of this.

LEXI: Well,

Megan, I was hoping

that maybe you would be able...

(laughs)

Who am I to expect that you...?

Forget it. Just forget it.

MEGAN: No, no, listen, I...

I want to help. I
want to talk to Coop.

But you have to admit,
it's pretty ridiculous.

Two mature people
marrying only for money. I...

LEXI: Yeah, well, that
shouldn't matter to Coop,

seeing that that's the
reason he married me

in the first place.

(sighs)

Look, Megan,

you're my last chance.

If Coop doesn't marry
me, then my life's over.

I hope you two have
a very happy life.

(sighs): Oh!

(crowd chatter)

Hey, I'm glad I ran
into you two here.

I want to apologize
about the other day.

I-I was just taken by surprise

that you two got
married so soon again.

Oh, you know, it happens.

Um, Kyle, why don't
you get us a table?

I want to talk to Peter just
for a moment, if it's okay?

Be right back.

So, how long does,
"Be right back," buy me?

(laughs) I just
want to make sure

that we're clear on
a couple of things.

Oh, yeah, sure. Like what?

Well, like I'm married to Kyle,

and I always will be,
and you need to let go.

Amanda, please. I-I
think I can handle myself.

Well, I don't understand.

Where did this sudden rebirth
of interest in me come from?

Well, my love
for you didn't just

pop out of the blue, you know?

It's always been there.

It's just that I
need a little help,

therapy, actually,
to uncover it.

Oh!

Well, I'm-I'm glad you're
taking care of yourself,

but I suggest you work on
dealing with your revelation,

rather than announcing
it to the world.

(laughs)

I am dealing with things
just fine, thank you.

It's just that I'm... I
want you to be happy.

I couldn't be happier.

And you need to accept that.

You got it.

So, I guess I will see you
tomorrow night at the reception.

If my invitation still stands?

Of course it does.

Now that you know the rules.

- Table's ready.
- Oh, Kyle, uh...

Well, you two have a lovely
dinner and a lovely evening.

You, too.

He okay?

I don't know if
he'll ever be okay.

That's between
him and his shrink.

MICHAEL: Now,
Taylor, what is all this?

I mean, how many outfits

does one kid need?

Oh, it's not about
the baby, silly.

It's not about what
the baby needs.

It's about what
the parents need.

Every parent wants
to dress their baby

- as adorably as possible.
- Oh?

It's a vanity thing.

And who's paying
for all this vanity?

You are... And in
return, you get to have

one of the cutest
babies on the block.

Taylor, I don't want
the cutest baby.

I don't want any baby at all.

They cry, they burp,
and they're money pits.

Yeah, first clothes, then toys,
then braces, and it never ends.

And then, as if you're
not bankrupt enough,

they want to go to college.

Who needs the aggravation?

You do,

because you need to care

about somebody else's
welfare for a change.

Taylor, I'll be at the
hospital if you need me.

But do me a favor and don't.

Oh, Michael!

Listen, could I just
borrow a couple of bucks?

I spent my last dime
on baby books, and, well,

I've been craving
licorice and liverwurst.

I guess I'm on to
the "L" words now.

(chuckles) Oh!

It's the ultrasound
picture of our baby.

All right, don't do this, okay?

I told you, I don't care.

This is not our
baby; it's your baby.

And as soon as you
have it, you're out of here.

(upbeat jazz playing)

Oh, I haven't had this
much fun in a long time.

Promise me this is our
last wedding reception.

I promise it'll be the last one

where you and I are
the guests of honor.

Sorry.

Uh, boss.

I'm sorry to
interrupt your party.

We got big problems.

Look, Mario, what's wrong?

The food critic, you know,

- Francine Carlson
from the Herald?-Yeah.

She's here, at a table,

- with her pad and her pencil.
- That's great.

She ordered the seafood
risotto and-and the rack of lamb

with rosemary potatoes,
pumpkin squash...

Calm down. Breathe. Talk to me.

I-I'm calm. I'm fine.

It-it's...

the problem is, I can't do it.

I'm-I'm choking.
It's a disaster.

Okay, it's all right. I'll
just... I'll come down.

I'll cook up a couple of things.

- Not a big deal.
- It's our wedding reception.

Yeah, I know, sweetheart,
but our future rests on this.

I mean, what else
am I going to do?

PETER: Hey, Kyle.

Why don't you go in that kitchen

and make those critics the
best damn meal they ever had?

I'll keep Amanda company,
if it's okay with Amanda.

Yeah, that's fine. Go ahead.

How about a dance?

One, just because
we're old friends,

and nothing more.

Oh.

Friendships can move
mountains, you know.

You know, it's pretty
impressive what Kyle's doing.

Getting in that kitchen,
rolling his sleeves up,

cooking up dishes
all on his own.

Mmm. Well, he takes
a lot of pride in his work.

- No kidding.
- Yeah.

He's put his heart and
soul into this jazz club, huh?

Well, I certainly can say

I don't know if I'd
do the same myself.

Well, you don't have to.

You're a doctor.

Yeah, yeah, I never really
have been much of a risk taker.

You know, I settled for
that stable profession.

I like to know where my
next paycheck's coming from.

Yeah, but, you know, if this
place actually went under...

The jazz club, the restaurant...

Kyle'd still have you to
bring home the bacon.

Stop it, Peter, all right?

What?

Honestly, I'm just... I'm
just thinking out loud here.

- Just...
- Like hell you are.

You're trying to create
problems where there aren't any.

No, no, no.

I told you before that
I'm only concerned

about your happiness.

You know, I... if
there's something

going on in your marriage,
I can't, you know...

You know, there is.

Love, honesty, fidelity.

- Well, good. Good.
- Mm-hmm.

It's just that, you know,

when you glue
things back together,

sometimes they're not as strong.

Kyle and I are happy, okay?

And nothing... and no
one... Is going to change that.

I think I'll go check on
things in the kitchen.

So I'm really glad
you could come.

Oh, believe me, the
pleasure's all mine.

(both chuckle)

So you said you were divorced.

- Mm-hmm.
- Any children?

Absolutely not.

That's cool.

They drive me nuts.

You know, spitting
up, crying, screaming...

That stuff is not for me.

Well, you know what that means?

We're perfect for each other.

It's kind of stuffy in here.

What do you say we
go down to the beach

and watch the sun come up?

Oh, a woman who
steals my best lines.

I like that.

You like what?

What are you doing here?

- Who are you?
- I'm the mother of his child.

- Who are you?
- She's my date, and I'd

like to keep it that
way, so why don't you

enjoy the Brie and
crackers and leave us alone.

- But, Michael, I...
- You don't like kids, right?

She's about as
immature as they come.

Excuse us.

MEGAN: You know, Lexi, uh,

she came to see me last night.

Oh, Megan, look, if-if
she threatened you

or-or gave you some
kind of sob story, I-I...

No, you know what,
she just needed a friend.

Okay?

Call me sensitive,
call me a pushover,

I just... I don't see how we
can turn our backs on her.

Damn it, Megan.

I want to marry
you and only you.

I want to have
our own reception.

I-I want to kiss
when glasses clink.

I want to feed each other
cake, uh, dance till dawn.

I... that's all I want.

I mean, we are so close.

We are so close to
having all of that and more.

I know. That's all
I've ever wanted, too.

We just have to
make one tiny detour.

I'm scared, Megan.

I've been down that road
with Lexi before, and, uh...

No, but it's a different time.

All I kept doing was
looking for a way out.

A way to break free.

That's why I turned to Kimberly.

You know what?

You're a different man.

Everything's changed.

I mean, Kimberly is dead...

but I'm here and I'm
not going anywhere.

(exhales)

All right, then...

if that's our only alternative,

if, uh...

if there's nowhere else
for Lexi to turn, then, uh...

I'll do it.

I'll marry Lexi.

But only

because...

I would do anything for you.

(softly): Really?

But I'm telling you,
Megan, first sign of trouble,

the first sign that she
wants anything more,

the first time that she pulls
any kind of manipulative scam,

I'm out of there...
I'm telling you,

I'm out of there.

Look, if I thought you
would sleep with Lexi,

I'd never agree to do this.

(exhales)

Believe me, Lexi is
gonna be fully aware

that the "other woman"

comes first in my life.

You're damn right.

Come here.

(exhales)

(laughing)

Every time I turn
around, you're here.

Hey, Sam.

What are you trying to do, rub
my face in your relationship?

BILLY: No. But I want
to be upfront about this.

I decided to move
in with Jennifer,

'cause Guy needed his space.

- That okay?
- Oh, yeah. Lovers have

the right to live
wherever they want.

Make out in the
pool, I don't care.

(door closes)

(exhales)

(line ringing)

(sighs)

(beep)

Hi. This is Jeff.

Leave a message,
and I'll call you back.

(beep)

Hi, Jeff. It's Sam.

I just found out that
Billy and Jennifer

moved in together,
in the building.

I just can't get away from them.

I am trying.

I'm really... really
trying to be healthy.

(voice breaking): But
they're always around.

Where are you?

Jeff?

I need you.

(beep)

Well, like I said,
she's a crazy woman.

She's stalking me, and she...

she thinks I'm the
father of her baby.

Are you?

Oh, please! Would I lie to you?

I guess not.

You seem like an honest guy.

Sure.

Of course, I'm a...

(laughing): Oh, man, oh, man.

Uh, heel, girl, heel.

We'll-we'll be at the
beach in a minute.

(horn honking)

(honking continues)

Whoa!

(tires squealing)

What the hell do you
think you're doing, huh?

- Cutting me off!
- I had to get to the side of the road!

My wife's about to give birth!

Yeah, well, bring her
to the nearest hospital!

- There's no time!
- Go on, Michael!

- You're a doctor!
- Yeah. -You're a doctor?

For God sakes, man,
come here and help my wife!

All right, all
right. Get my bag.

It's in the back seat! Easy.

Hi. We're gonna put you
in the back seat right now.

- There you go, honey.
- Help me out here.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Get her in the back seat here.

There you go. Easy, easy.

Watch your head,
watch your head.

Now, see if you can
scoot back a little bit.

I need your leg up
here. Got the gloves?

Yeah, thanks.

- Okay, how you feeling?
- (groans)

You're doing very, very well.

Now, I want you to breathe
very slowly, very slowly.

Good.

Let's see how we're doing here.

- That's it, breathe.
- Oh, that's very good.

You're doing very, very well.

Nice and easy, nice and easy.

(knocking on door)

Oh.

Couldn't this have
waited till the morning?

No, actually.

Come on.

Megan and I have thought
long and hard about this,

and we've finally come
to a mutual decision.

All right.

- So, what is it?
- I'll marry you.

Oh, God, Coop, I
don't know what to say.

This is about the
money, Lexi, that's all.

I know that,

and I would never expect

or pretend it to be
about anything else.

Good, because you need

to know this, you
need to understand it.

I'm only doing this for Megan's
sake, because of what she wants.

I love her, I'll
always love her.

I'll die for her if I have to.

I understand, Coop,

and I would never
get in the way of that.

I'm warning you, Lexi,

no games, no manipulations.

This marriage is on paper only.

In exactly one year,
we file for divorce.

You have my word.

So, when is this gonna happen?

Tomorrow night, in your office.

Coop and I will make
all the arrangements.

You guys,

I know what a
big sacrifice this is

for the both of you,

and I owe you so much.

Thank you for saving my life.

Yeah,

see you tomorrow night.

(exhales)

(panting)

Okay, very good.

It's coming, my baby...

(cries)

Holy cow.

Oh, my God, here it comes.

I see the head coming.

Okay, good, now keep
the breathing going.

Breathe, inhale.

Oh, honey, I don't believe this.

I love you so much.

Exhale.

Okay, you're doing great.

(baby crying)

Congratulations,
Mr. and Mrs., uh...

Donaldson.

Look, sweetheart, it's our boy.

Congratulations.

Oh.

Healthy baby boy.

Oh,

look, sweetheart, a boy.

We have a family.

It's a miracle, a miracle.

- Thank you.
- It's a miracle.

Hi, baby.

(waves crashing, birds cawing)

(footsteps approach)

- (toy squeaks)
- Oh, damn it!

Michael.

Taylor, will you clean
up this baby stuff?

Come on.

I had a long night.

I want to get some sleep.

Michael, what's on your shirt?

It looks like blood.

- Oh, hell, I...
- What happened?

My date was ruined,
that's what happened.

There I was in my car,

about to become the
well-deserved recipient

of the number one male fantasy,

when all of a sudden,

this guy swerves and
cuts me off, you know?

And I end up
delivering his wife's baby

right then and there.

And then there
were complications,

so I've been at the
hospital all night.

Well, how's the baby?

Is the baby okay?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, it was amazing,

seeing those little eyes open

and, you know, him
take his first breath.

Michael, just think.

In a few months,

our little guy's
gonna open his eyes

and see the world for
the very first time, too.

Yeah, thanks for reminding me

I have to go through
this agony again.

You know, all that yelling
and screaming and wailing

was really quite annoying.

Michael, come on,
what do you expect?

Childbirth is painful.

That's right.

That's why you should continue
taking your birthing classes,

and at the first sign of pain,

take any and all dr*gs
administered by your doctor.

(horn honking)

Hey.

Hi.

You really had me going
with that message last night.

I'm worried about you.

Thanks.

I've been on this terrible
emotional roller coaster.

Yeah, I know.

But you and I are finally
finished with all that, right?

Yeah.

Damn it, Sam.

Every time I start
believing in you,

you blow it, you know that?

You want to make
your husband jealous,

mess with somebody else's head.

So, I've ordered us
caviar and champagne,

which I figured we'd have
before and after we made love.

KYLE: Sweetheart, that...

(sighs) I can't.

That's why I called.

The critic from the Herald
liked the restaurant so much

that Good Day LA wants to
do an interview on camera.

Well, can't they do
it during the day?

I thought we'd finally
have a night alone.

(sighs) Yeah, I know,

I know, but this
is.. It's a big deal.

I mean, we're talking
about lights, cameras.

I mean, it'll be
major television.

It'll be great exposure for us.

Hold on; what the hell
do you think you're doing?

It's either Billy or
me, one of us goes.

God, I don't believe this.

Kyle, I'll call you right back.

Would you like to rephrase

- that little demand?
- No.

I can't work with him and live
in the same building with him.

(sighs)

Okay, let's see, Billy is, um,

my number-one adman.

He's worked for the
company for five years.

He's creative, dependable,
easy to work with.

I saved your life.

That's old news, Sam.

Yeah, right now,

I'd say I'm favoring keeping
Billy by about a hundred to one.

You know, you
could've at least told me

that he was moving
into the building.

I thought you were my friend.

I am, that's why I'm giving
you a second chance.

Now, learn how to be
a mature adult in life

and go back to work.

Otherwise, you're
the one that's fired.

Oh, of course I am.

Everyone else has abandoned
me, why shouldn't you?

(door slams)

COOP: You know that in my heart,

you're my wife.

Till death do us part.

(sighs)

Oh, my God!

These are beautiful.

When my mom and dad d*ed,

they left me their rings.

They meant so
much to me that I...

So pretty.

I only wanted to share them
with someone very special.

This one was my father's.

Wow.

You and I are together

and nothing comes between us.

You know what, any man that has
done as much as you have for me

deserves my undying love

forever.

Well, you got it.

(giggles)

WOMAN: So, Kyle,

how do you manage to run
two successful establishments

and still have time
for a personal life?

Uh, well, I think owning a
restaurant and a jazz club,

um, you just know
that you're gonna put...

Excuse me, um...

Oh, you look even
better in person.

I hate to interrupt, but I
have to talk to you alone.

- Babe we got an interview going here.
- Our time is limited.

It'll only take a second.

(sighs) Five minutes,
please; no longer.

Yeah, excuse me.

Uh-huh.

So, what's wrong?

Everything.

I've had a horrible day.

I've been in a lousy mood,

snapping at everyone,

but I think I know why.

Okay.

We're newlyweds,
and we've barely

- had a moment alone.
- Believe me,

that's something that
hasn't gone unnoticed.

All I want from you is
your solemn promise

that you'll come home tonight.

Soon. I mean, we
need to be together.

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

Wait, we can't; your interview.

(groans) The hell with it.

She's a professional;
she can wait.

In sickness and in health,
as long as you both shall live.

I do.

All right, the rings please.

You do have the
rings, don't you, Coop?

Yeah, yeah, our friend has them.

Megan, I need the ring.

- What?
- Please.

Coop...

Coop.

You may now exchange rings.

(clears throat)

(camera shutter clicks)

(chuckles)

By the power

vested in me by the
State of California,

I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Brett, Lexi, my
best to both of you.

- Thank you, Judge.
- Oh, thank you.

I'm sure we'd all like
to start celebrating,

but let's get this little
matter out of the way first.

Although I know we've
been over this before,

it's important that
both of you understand

the terms of the codicil.

The two of you must remain
married for at least one year.

You must be married, in fact.

Absolutely no one else can
live in the same household.

If either or both of you

misrepresent
yourselves or renege

on any of these terms,

you will be forced to
return all the moneys,

which will then be
donated to charity.

In addition, you will
be prosecuted for fraud.

Do you both understand

and accept these terms?

Yeah, we do, Jordan.

Well then, Coop,

I am pleased to
hand you this check

for $ million for both of you.

- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you!

(giggling)

Isn't it nice to see
two people in love?

(sighs)

Well, I've made reservations for
the two of you over at The Palm.

We best be on our way.

You know what, Jordan,

a moment like this really
does deserve another kiss.