07x15 - Fiddling on the Roof

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Melrose Place". Aired: July 8, 1992 –; May 24, 1999.*
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Follows the lives and loves of eight young adults in an apartment complex in Los Angeles.
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07x15 - Fiddling on the Roof

Post by bunniefuu »

Michael.

Katherine, you are
looking lovely as always.

How was your flight?

And, George, old boy,
thanks for coming out

- for the wedding.
- We're tired, Michael.

We'd like to get settled.

Sure. Where's Jane?

We assumed she was already here.

What do you mean?
You took separate taxis

from the airport?

No, she never got on
the plane in Chicago.

When we didn't hear
from her, we just thought

she'd taken an earlier flight.

Yeah, well, she's not home.

And we're supposed
to get married today.

I mean, does that sound
strange to anybody or is it just me?

I hope something
hasn't happened to her.

I think I might
know where she is.

I'm gonna make a phone
call. But I hope I'm wrong.

(door opens)

Maybe Jane's finally
come to her senses.

- (phone ringing)
- Yes?

Hi, Alex? It's Michael Mancini.

Michael.

You usually hang up by
now. That's your pattern, right?

Wait until you hear my
voice and then hang up?

Look, is Jane there with
you? I need to talk to her.

Oh, she's not in
L.A.? (chuckles)

- That's very interesting.
- Don't get so smug, pal.

She probably took
an earlier flight.

Or she missed her plane.

We were up late
last night, celebrating.

Celebrating? What do
you mean, celebrating?

(beep)

- (dial tone)
- Well?

I don't know where
the hell she is.

(knock on door)

Hi. Thanks for coming.

You want to explain why
you're staying in a hotel,

five minutes from
where you live?

(sighs)

I can't face Michael right now.

We're making a huge
mistake getting married again.

I don't know what
I was thinking.

Wait a second, last week
you were crazy about him.

That was before I
spent time with Alex.

Now I'm confused.

You were supposed to be working.

We were. Absolutely, we were.

We designed a whole
entire line in three days.

We were totally in
sync, I had the best time.

Well, it sounds
like a huge success.

- I don't see the problem.
- (sighs)

It is a problem.

I kissed him. I mean,
I really kissed him.

Oh, God, you had sex with him.

No, I didn't. But I
thought about it.

How bad is that?

I'm thinking about having
sex with another man

the night before my wedding.

The same man I slept with the
night before my first wedding.

Well, at least your consistent.

Listen, a lot of women

look up their old boyfriends
before they get married.

It's a big commitment
and they get scared.

People will look for
any reason to bail.

But what if it's more than
that? I mean, how can I spend

the rest of my
life with Michael,

knowing there's
another man out there

I'll always feel connected to?

It's called baggage.

I've got lots of it,
especially with Peter.

It doesn't mean
we belong together.

I don't know.

Maybe you're right.

Of course I'm right.
It's pre-wedding jitters.

The best cure for that

is a honeymoon.

Mmm.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Days pass ♪

♪ And I'm waiting,
waiting, waiting ♪

♪ For my blood to return ♪

♪ Weeks pass ♪

♪ And I'm waiting,
waiting, waiting ♪

♪ For my anger to burn ♪

♪ Faces change ♪

♪ And I'm reaching, reaching ♪

♪ For a hand in the dark ♪

♪ But still I'm numb ♪

♪ I feel nothing at all ♪

♪ Days pass ♪

♪ I feel nothing at all ♪

♪ Weeks pass ♪

♪ Can't look down to the fall ♪

♪ From grace ♪

♪ And I wish I could
scream or smile ♪

♪ Something that makes me feel ♪

♪ For a while ♪

♪ Wanna feel the
rain on my face ♪

♪ As long as I'm ♪

♪ Falling from grace... ♪

- Morning.
- Morning.

So, exactly how awkward
is this gonna be, huh?

I mean, do I get a cup of
coffee, peck on the cheek,

or do I have to throw my clothes
on and scoot out the backdoor.

(laughs)

I don't have a backdoor.

(knock on door)

Uh, that's Kyle.

We usually play
basketball in the morning.

Uh, dang.

Hmm, want your jersey back?

No, no, keep it on.

Um, why don't you
wait in the bedroom?

I'll just be a minute. Okay?

(sighs, snaps fingers)

Um, hey, bro.

Hey, you. You look b*at.

- You sure you want to do this?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem.

Can you, can you give
me a couple minutes...

Wait a minute. You had a date

after the bachelor
party last night?

Uh, I wouldn't call
it a date, really.

Who was it?

No, come on,

you have to tell me
who... Is it Megan?

Oh, God, please,

tell me that it wasn't Lexi.

- I'll see you downstairs.
- My new waitress?

Does it really matter
who it is, uh, was?

Ah...

she's still here and you
want me to vamanos?

- Bingo.
- No, no sweat.

You, uh, um...

well you get some rest.

- Yeah, yeah, all right.
- Yeah, you...

- Okay.
- (chuckles)

So am I gonna see you tonight?

Uh, no, um, I'm going
to Jane's wedding.

- Oh.
- Well, then, tomorrow?

I've got this fabulous place in
the marina I want to take you.

Time out, time out. Can
we slow it down here?

Ah, we've hit the
awkward moment.

That didn't take long.

Lexi, come on, don't do that.
Someone could be watching.

I know. That's the fun of it.

Come on, Ryan.

You tell me this
doesn't turn you on.

Hey, Kyle.

Hang on a second, will you?

Listen, do me a
favor and tell Amanda

that she can show Eve's
apartment whenever she wants,

and I'll need an
extra key for my place.

- You got it.
- And you can...

congratulate me
anytime you want, buddy.

EVE: Maybe my boss thinks
we're rushing into things.

Only if you do.

Do you think we're
rushing into things?

(departing footsteps)

Absolutely.

One that got away?

I had to throw him back.

He was too small.

MICHAEL: Hi, Pam,

it's Michael Mancini.
It's been a while, huh?

(knock on door)

Oh, um, looking forward to
seeing you at the wedding.

- By any chance, is Jane there?
- I found Jane.

Never mind, Pam.
See you at the wedding.

- (beep)
- Where is she?

- Is she okay?
- She's fine.

She's back from Chicago.

She flew in early this morning.

Then where has she been all
day? Why didn't she call me?

Do I look like her secretary?

She has last minute
things to do, bride things.

Like what, give the
groom a heart att*ck?

Where is she, Amanda?
I need to talk to her.

Sorry, it's bad luck
before the wedding.

Bad luck is when
your fiancée is missing.

Oh, don't get dramatic,
Michael. Just do your part

and show up at the church.
Jane will be there, I promise.

All right.

RYAN: So this is
the big emergency

you called me about?

Oh, come on, what'd
you want me to do?

Go to my business dinner

with my dress unzipped
down to my ass?

Nice package.
Who you selling to?

You sound jealous.

- Hmm.
- Oh, Ryan,

you want me to cancel
my business dinner

so you can take
me to the wedding?

Why would you even
want to go to the wedding?

I mean, you don't care
about those people.

No, but I care about
you. That's all that matters.

Are you ashamed
to be seen with me?

No.

But Kyle's my brother,
Amanda is my sister-in-law,

and you don't like

either of them.

Good point.

Mmm. You know what?

Consider my business dinner
canceled. Now, unzip me.

Mmm, I got to go.

Oh, I bet I can make
you change your mind.

No, you can't. Don't do that.

Don't do what?

- Don't do this?
- Yeah.

Yeah? Mm-mm.

Uh-uh. No, no, no.

Let's stay out here so
the whole world can watch.

- (laughs)
- (knock on door)

- (door opens)
- Lexi?

Megan? You left
the door unlocked?

- Just stay right there.
- Are you here?

- Yes.

- Yep, yep, hey.
- Oh, hey.

Listen, here are the
notes you wanted.

You didn't have to
bring them by tonight.

Oh, no, it was on my
way. I'm going to, uh,

Michael and Jane's wedding.

Oh, you bringing a date?

No. Uh, no guys for
a while after Ryan.

I know, I know, he's cute,

but he's bad news.

I should have trusted
my first impression.

You couldn't stand
him, as I recall.

Well, first he's

pseudo-romantic and the
next, he's unbelievably arrogant.

He thinks he's
God's gift to women.

What a bastard.

PETER: All right,
the place is filling up.

MICHAEL: Is Jane
here? Did you see her?

No, not yet.

Oh, I'm gonna k*ll
her when this is over.

Now, tell me, what
am I doing wrong here?

You look fine, Michael.
Don't worry about it,

you look great. Why don't
you go over your vows, huh?

I know them cold... Jane,
you were my first wife,

my favorite wife, and I
hope to God my last wife.

You know, you're such an idiot.

That's not gonna
cut it, Michael.

Get me a pen and
paper, will you?

Vows are supposed
to be romantic, Michael.

You're telling the entire world

how you want to spend the
rest of your life with this woman.

It's about saying,

"It doesn't matter
about the past.

"Anything that happened
before I met you, it's not important.

"What's important is
that we have each other.

That's, and that's
the important thing."

We talking about Jane here?

'Cause it sounds like
we're talking about Eve.

Do you want me
to help you or not?

Yeah, sure, of course.

Just get it all down, okay?
And the gooier, the better.

Make sure I can read
your handwriting, too, huh?

Maybe I should have a
blindfold and a cigarette.

Oh, come on, Jane.

Michael's waiting at the altar
and he is crazy about you.

For the first time in his life,

he's actually
ready to be faithful.

Oh, I'm sorry, that
didn't come out right.

Well, just think of
all you're getting.

You've got a guy who's
doing okay, financially.

He's not being sued
by anyone that I know of.

And he's got a great family.

At least, a big family that
doesn't live anywhere near you.

At least, not yet.

Oh, I'm sorry, that
came out all wrong.

Because it is.

(crying): All wrong.

- Oh.
- (gasps)

Jane!

(sighs)

What time you got?

Hey.

Hmm?

Oh, so it was Megan in
your apartment this morning.

Let it go, Kyle.

Limo's here.

Limo's finally gotten here.

Oh, great. It's about time.

Okay, well, this is it.

Yeah.

(organ playing "Bridal Chorus")

(crowd murmuring)

I am so sorry.

Um, Jane's not coming.

You want me to handle this?

It's all right, I got it.

(organ stops)

(crowd whispering)

Well.

You're probably all wondering
why I called you here tonight.

Well, I wish I could
think of a joke right now.

Warm up the crowd.

My father were here, you know...

He's got a million of them.

Um, okay.

Okay, here's one, here's one.

A guy walks into
a bar and, um...

You know what, forget that
one 'cause we're in a church.

Here we go, here's another one.

Um, guy and his wife have
been married for years,

and, uh, they go to the
doctor and the wife says...

The wife says...

You know what?

There is no wife.

And, uh, there is no wedding.

And, uh...

that's the joke.

(knock on door)

Michael, I'm sorry about what...

(knock on door)

- Please let me explain.
- Explain what?

That you don't want to marry me?

I got that, loud and clear.

So did everybody in the church.

No, Michael, that's just it!

I do want to marry you, I
just... I thought I'd feel relieved,

like, "Whew, glad I didn't
make that mistake again,"

but I couldn't sleep all night.

I just, I felt empty.

Oh, yeah? Well,
get used to it, Jane.

Michael, please
try to understand!

I was having a panic att*ck!

Oh, sure, a panic att*ck!

I think I know what that's like.

That's like being a groom at
the wedding, with guests,

and the bride doesn't show.

That's like getting
all dry in the mouth,

breaking out in a cold sweat.

You can't breathe,
and then you end up

humiliating yourself in
front of everybody you know.

You know what, Jane?

I think I prefer your panic
att*ck to mine any day.

Michael, I'm sorry
about what happened.

I just got confused.

I was in Chicago with Alex,
and we were designing together,

and it was, it
was all so intense,

I just, I got swept
away into it.

Thanks, I feel a lot better now.

Michael, listen to
me. I always do this.

I get so work-obsessed
that I forget

what's really important to me.

But I want to change.

I want you to be the most
important person in my life.

Michael, please give
me a second chance.

Jane, you are about
hours too late.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I signed up for a
double shift in the E.R.

I don't want to
keep them waiting.

They may think I'm not coming.

(sniffles)

- Hey, sweetness.
- Hello.

- How you doing?
- Good.

You still on your mission
to get Jane hitched?

Oh, yeah, it's part of my
employee benefits package.

Yes, and they all come
to you, too, don't they?

All the damsels in
distress, like Eve,

your newest best friend.

Did you know that
all the references

that she gave me were phony?

- Every last one of them.
- Really?

- That's odd.
- No, it's more than that.

If somebody lies to
you about one thing,

they usually lie
about other stuff, too.

- You're making way too much of this.
- No, I don't think I am.

Come on, babe, nothing
about Eve adds up.

Why would she give
up this record contract?

It just means we won't
have to give her a raise.

There's Peter;
I'll be right back.

- Hello.
- Hello.

You look like you
want something.

Well, Jane needs your help.

What does she need, directions?

She didn't quite make it
to the church, you know.

She feels terrible about
blowing the wedding.

Well, how do you think
Michael feels, huh?

Don't you think he
might feel a little worse?

Standing there on
the altar, not in private,

being turned down by
the woman that he loves,

wearing his heart on his sleeve.

I mean, I can't imagine
how that would feel.

She made a huge
mistake; she admits that.

But now she wants to
make it up to Michael,

but he won't listen to her.

Well, I can't really
say that I blame him.

Oh, please.

Haven't you ever done
something incredibly stupid

that you wish to God
you could take back?

- Maybe.
- Then help her.

If not for her, for Michael.

I mean, he still loves her and
this could be his last chance.

The only thing that's
holding him back is his pride.

- Well, I don't know what I can do.
- Just try.

That's all I'm asking.

(pager beeping)

All right, I'll try.

For you.

Thank you.

He's probably gonna be stuck

at the hospital for a while.

Maybe I can work something out.

I assume lunch is on the house.

Thank you.

(siren wailing)

MICHAEL: Big night, huh?

Another kid with the flu.

You know, Doctor, you
are so good with kids.

- Maybe someday...
- Uh.

I didn't say it.

Michael, hey.

Keeping busy tonight?

Yeah, that's the whole idea.

Listen, if you got a minute,

- I could use your help with something.
- Huh?

- You speak Italian, right?
- Mm-hmm.

I got an Italian patient,

I can't understand
a word she's saying.

Well, I guess I'm your guy then.

Great.

(organ playing "Bridal Chorus")

Oh, my God, I've been set up.

You don't have to stay for the
wedding, but, Michael, please!

Listen to my vows.

(sighs)

Michael Mancini, I love you.

In all the years
we spent together...

(organ stops)

and all the years
we spent apart,

I never met a man who
could drive me so crazy.

Or make me laugh
so hard or cry so much

or feel so deeply as you do.

And, in all the years
to come, I never will.

You are my one true love.

I don't know what to say.

You could try your
vows, Dr. Mancini.

(clears throat)

"Jane, when I
look into your eyes,

"the past and all
its pain disappears.

"The other lives we've
lived don't matter,

"the other people we've
loved fade from our hearts.

"Whatever was before,
I don't need to know.

"I only need to know you
love me and my heart is...

whole at last."

Look, Jane, I don't
deserve you, but...

but if you love me,

I'll be a better
man because of it.

You're up.

Oh, uh, do you, Jane Andrews,

take Michael Mancini as
your lawful wedded husband,

to have and to hold,
for better, for worse,

for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and health,

all the days of your life?

I do.

And do you, Michael
Mancini, take Jane Andrews

to be your lawfully wedded wife,

to have and to hold, for better,

for worse, for
richer, for poorer,

in sickness and health,
all the days of your life?

I do.

The rings?

Right here.

Just like that.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

And now, by the power vested
in me by the state of California,

I pronounce you
husband and wife.

- (organ playing "Wedding March")
- (applause)

(band playing mellow jazz music)

May I?

- Sure.
- Oh.

I've never been a
big fan, you know that.

But maybe I was wrong
about you, Michael.

Your vows were very moving.

Yeah, too bad your
husband had to leave

before I hit my stride, huh?

All right, Mom, that's enough.

Lay off that champagne.

I love you, too.

(chuckles)

Thank you, Kenneth.

You didn't think they'd
go through with it, did you?

No, I didn't, but you know,

I have learned never,
ever, ever to bet against you.

(both moan)

Well, that's a compliment.

You know, I was never a
big believer in marriage,

but you converted me.

- Cheers.
- Thank you.

Well, you're welcome.

Vodka, neat.

Alex?

What are you doing here?

It's like an accident
on the freeway:

tragic, but I felt
compelled to watch.

Okay, I'm gonna leave
you two to, uh, talk shop.

You're not still campaigning
to win Jane back, are you?

She's a married woman, Amanda.

There's nothing more I can do.

And don't worry,
I'm not planning

to take my business
to another agency.

- (chuckles)
- Not this week.

MEGAN: Thank you for
coming with me... I couldn't face

another wedding reception alone.

Out of morbid curiosity...

I wanted to see your
repeat performance.

Oh, you should've
heard Michael and Jane's

wedding vows they
wrote for each other.

Oh, my gosh, they were
so beautiful, I almost cried.

Yeah, well, that's what
weddings are designed to do...

Prepare you for all the
crying you're gonna do

- after the marriage.
- Oh, come on,

not everyone's
as cynical as you.

I keep trying to tell myself
I'm fine without a guy,

but you know what?

Deep down I am miserable.

And you really think
that true love is out there

for you somewhere waiting?

You know, what is wrong
with a little romance?

I mean, look at Jane. I
mean, she took a chance.

Michael could've
turned her down, but, no,

she put everything
on the line and...

Well, maybe that's what you
have to do when you love someone.

Why don't you save this crap
for somebody who cares, hm?

Ryan would understand.

May I have this dance?

Sure, Doctor.

- Sorry, Peter, girl talk.
- Oh.

We have a problem.

Kyle found out you lied
on your job application.

Why did you even give
him any references?

What was I supposed to do,
leave the whole thing blank?

- That would've looked so much worse.
- No,

you don't understand...
Kyle will not let this slide.

He's gonna keep on digging,
and once he starts checking up

on you, he's gonna
find out about me.

You know what,
I'll tell him that

everybody in the music business

- lies about their gigs.
- No, I will talk to him.

Just... be more
careful from now on.

Okay. It won't happen
again, I promise.

What the hell are
you doing here?

- Excuse me.
- Excuse me for one second.

- (Michael clears throat)
- I was curious.

Last I heard, your
wedding was off.

Yeah, well, it's obviously
on again, okay? So get lost.

No, no, no, not until I
have a dance with the bride.

Unless your famous
temper won't allow it.

No, you go ahead
and dance with Jane,

and burn the moment
into your brain,

so you'll know what you'll
be missing the rest of your life.

Don't you worry about
me, Mancini... I got plenty

of memories, some of
them as fresh as this flower.

Hey, hey, I know what you're
up to, you little Viking worm.

But now that Jane and I are
married, nothing you can say,

nor anything that
happened in Chicago,

is gonna make any difference.

So if we were holding hands
or... even kissed each other,

that's not a problem?

Not at all.

Good.

How do you feel about tongues?

- Tongues?
- Burn that

into your brain, Mancini.

I'm surprised Michael's
vows were so deep.

(laughs): He seems
like such a shallow guy.

Well, sometimes
guys can surprise you.

Yes, they can.

Thank you. You're beautiful.

Honey, let me just give
you just a little bit of advice.

Don't make the same mistake
I did and move in with him.

You see, Peter's just
into it for the chase, right?

Once he's got ya, he's already
looking for a way to dump ya.

Get the hell out of
here, will you, please?

Oh, Peter, so sorry.

Just trying to give
her a heads-up

like you never did, hm?

Excuse me, I'm cutting in.

- You can't do that.
- Honey, I just did.

Couldn't wait for me to ask you?

Oh, no, actually.

You know me... I'm
always in a hurry.

Uh, I-let me...

Lexi, come on, not here.

Oh, no? How about over here?

- Cut it out; you're making a scene.
- Really?

Look, this is a wedding, Lexi.

If you're that
desperate for attention,

why don't you go to a bar?

Now, that is a really good idea.

Yes, I think I'm
gonna go downstairs

and find a man
who can handle me.

Why settle for Superboy when
I can have Superman, huh?

I'll just go powder
my nose first.

(chuckling): Well, the
book is going to be huge.

It's gonna take the medical
community by storm.

Tell me what you
think about this title.

The Past Is Stone,
the Future Is Water.


- Huh?
- Wow.

I'm gonna have to
get a copy of that.

- (chuckling): Yeah?
- Yeah.

You know, um, I think
I better stop dancing.

- I'm a little tired.
- Oh, come on, Megan.

The evening is young, huh?

(chuckles)

Well, it took you long enough.

You think I can't tell
you're baiting me?

Honey, if it worked, who
cares? Now, lock the door.

No.

- I'm here to give you a warning.
- Oh.

Don't ever embarrass
me like that again.

Embarrass you?
Honey, you loved it.

That's why you're here;
you're back for some more.

No, no.

Is sex all that
matters to you, Lexi?

No, there's always love,
and I love having sex with you.

- Now, take off your clothes.
- No. You take off my clothes.

All right, honey,
that's more like it.

- How do you want it, slow or fast?
- Fast.

Oh...

Oh...

Megan, wait.

Let her go... there's nothing
you can say to her now.

- What was I thinking!
- Honey, the question is,

what were you thinking with?

I'm through playing your
stupid, sick little games, Lexi.


(laughs) Honey,
you'll be back for more.

Don't count on it.

(door slams)

♪♪

Ah, don't touch that...
I'm still working on it.

JANE: I can't believe
you flew in for the wedding.

I'd never turn down
an invitation from you.

(laughs) Well,
you weren't invited.

That's all right, I forgive you.

Oh, beautiful pearls.

JANE: Oh, thank you.
They're from my birth mother.

She couldn't make it.

(sighs): So... did I mention
the dress is incredible?

Yes. Just consider
it a wedding present.

No, no.

- I can't do that.
- Yes, you can, and you will.

Just don't let anyone copy it.

It's a work of
art, one of a kind.

- Just like you.
- Thank you.

PETER: Can I have
your attention, please?

I think it's time for a toast.

If I could have Jane,
Michael, please?

(cheers)

There we go. Oh, you're all set.

- Here you go, Jane.
- Thanks.

(sighs): Well... I
think we'll all agree

that finding true love
is difficult enough,

but finding it twice, well...
that in itself's a miracle.

All I can say is,

may you two be as happy
for the rest of your lives

as you are right
now. Congratulations.

(cheers)

KYLE: Where are you two going

on your honeymoon?

Cabo San Lucas,
and you're all invited.

(whooping, laughter)

- Anything else you'd like to know?
- Isn't it cold there

- this time of year?
- JANE: That's okay,

- we won't be leaving the room.
- Oh! Hey, -(laughter)

here's another piece
of... (slurring) information

we all'd like to know.

How was Chicago, Jane?

Uh, pretty steamy,
the way I heard it?

- Michael, this isn't funny.
- Oh, no, no, come on.

I'm sure you put in some
long hours with your boss.

Oh, yeah, it must've been rough.

You know, they were making
clothes and making out.

- Don't you dare do this!
- No, no, come on, Jane.

Oh, don't leave
yet. I'm not finished.

You are an ass.
I'm taking you home.

Hey, I have a right to know.

I'm sorry, you see...

when Jane and I
were first married,

she was going to
school with this, uh,

Nordic poster boy over here,

Alex Bastard.

Um...

sorry... Bastian.

And now, uh,

here it is, eight years later,
and they're still hanging out.

(chuckling)

Now, see, I... I find
that kind of strange,

really, because...

these two lovebirds
only did it twice.

Once before our first wedding...

and now before our second.

You know what? I
guess you got to be

really great in bed if you
save yourself up for eight years.

Is that right, Alex?

Oh, I'm sorry, is
that right, Jane?

Huh? I-Is he great in bed?

(people gasp)

JANE: Forget the
honeymoon, Michael.

I want a divorce.

(indistinct chatter)

(exhales)

Ma'am, right over here.

Excuse... Wha...?

(Jane grunts)

- Oh!
- ALEX: Jane, wait.

Well, congratulations, kids.

Where to?

(pants) His place.

♪♪

- (playing mellow jazz)
- (Michael blowing into bottle)

(continues blowing into bottle)

(band holding last note)

(chuckles): Yeah, yeah,
yeah, that was good.

MAN: That's a wrap,
folks. All right, let's pack up.

Hey, hey, nobody
stops playing yet.

Paid you guys for
three hours and, uh...

still got, um...
ten minutes left.

- MAN: Oh, come on.
- (laughing)

All right, well, we'll
give him another tune.

(mid-tempo jazz playing)

MICHAEL: Megan!
My angel of mercy!

Oh, dance with me, baby.

- (laughing) -Not so
fast! I'm gonna get dizzy.

- No, I'm sorry.
- Come on.

Oh, God, where is everybody?

Oh, you didn't hear?
Jane is divorcing me.

Oh, yeah, which technically
ended the... the reception,

which is namely why
everybody banana split.

(laughs): You're
getting a divorce?

How long was I
downstairs at the bar?

Aw, come on, Megan, you
know how fast I work, hmm?

Oh, my God, what did you do?

I just asked her a
very simple question

about the weather in Chicago,

which led to a very
simple question

about premarital infidelity,

which was namely, did
she have sex with Alex?

(gasps softly) Oh.

Yep, that little
catch in your throat,

that's what everybody said.

You said that in
front of everyone?

Yeah, well, what
was I supposed to do?

I mean, I find out after
minutes of marriage

that she's been
unfaithful to me.

But are you sure about that?

I mean, did you see
her cheating with Alex?

No, of course not.

But, you know...

they're working together
day and night in Chicago

and they were kissing, and
you know what that leads to.

Did you see their
flesh flapping,

their... bodies slapping?

- Hmm?
- 'Cause I did.

What?! Wait a second, you
saw Jane and Alex having sex?

Megan, how-how is that possible?

No. No, no, no,
Ryan and Lexi, here.

- Oh... good.
- In the lounge.

I mean, I'm sorry;
that's terrible.

Oh, Michael...

that is stone-cold
proof, half-naked bodies.

You don't have
stone-cold proof like that.

Oh, why, because I didn't
catch her in the act, huh?

Yeah, well, I saw it in
her eye; it was right there.

I saw it all.

It's not the same
thing, Michael.

Oh, writhing bodies.

Oh, you see what I saw.

Groaning, moaning,
the mirror shaking.

Megan, Megan,
Megan, Megan, Megan,

please, that's enough.

I mean, I figure I'm paying
$ , for this dance.

I'd really like to enjoy it.

Fine.

Show me what you got.

Oh, oh.

(laughter)

(exhales)

I actually begged
that jerk to marry me

in front of all my friends.

I can't believe what
a fool I've been.

Jane, I wish I could
make this all go away.

Just know that I'm here for you.

I'm sorry, Alex.

Oh.

You've been incredible.

I don't know what I would
have done without you.

Why don't you take a bath?

I'll get you a drink.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

This is his original line.

He didn't use any of the
dresses we designed in Chicago.


I don't believe this.

Jane, where are you?

I've got your wine.

My life just keeps
getting better and better.

I can explain.

Don't bother.

I can figure it out.

Last week in Chicago was
just a game to make me think

I was helping you
with your spring line.

I know that's how it looks,

but believe me, I am planning
to use some of your designs.

Stop lying to me.

You took everything
you know about me,

everything I told you
I dreamed of doing,

and used it to get me into bed?

Because I love you.

I've said that so many times.

I'm saying it again.

I love you.

Oh, that's not love, Alex.

That is pathetic.

Damn it.

Running back to Michael, huh?

That loser?

Go ahead, be bored out
of your mind in a week

and you won't have me to
come crying to, then what?

- Oh, I don't need you.
- Yes, you do.

If you want to get
anywhere in this business.

Design is not your
strong suit, Jane.

- Your body, that's the ticket.
- God,

- Michael was right about you.
- Be careful,

I'm your biggest
client, remember?

Ready to apologize?

When you're wearing polyester

in hell.

- Jane, wai...
- (door opens)

(whistling)

You know what?

I don't... I don't have
any liquor in my house.

Then we'll go to
my place, come on.

No, no, I don't want
this buzz to wear off.

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

What?

I don't know if I'm sick
because I'm losing Jane

or because I'm just sick.

Uh-oh.

You know what,
why don't you take a...

I'm gonna hold you,
take a deep breath.

(inhales)

Okay?

Okay.

Okay, breathe out.

(exhales)

Oh, do you feel better?

No, I feel like throwing
myself off a roof.

Oh.

I know how to get
up there. Come on.

No, no, Megan, Megan, you're
supposed to talk me out of it.

You're supposed
to talk me out of it.

You know, there's
being supportive

and then there's being crazy.

And you're talking crazy.

No, not to... I'm not talking
about k*lling yourself, goofy.

Come on, this'll be fun.

Come on.

- Shh.
- Come on.

All right.

Shh.

All right?

Okay?

All right, steady as
she goes now, come on.

- Oh, okay.
- There we go.

- All righty.
- Shh, shh.

Oh, good, he's not home.

Come on, come here.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay,
out of the way, Xena.

Out of the way, right there.

Stay clear now.

Oh!

Geez.

Geez!

All righty.

(laughter) Ow. Oh.

Why... Why are we breaking
into Ryan's apartment again?

Oh, geez, that hurt.

Oh, geez.

Uh-oh.

Oh, oh, geez.

Oh.

All right, got us some beers.

Let's keep the buzz going.

Oh, oh, geez.

Now, Michael, you've got
to keep this a secret, okay?

This is a very special
place I'm taking you to

when you just want to forget
about the rest of the world.

Oh, yeah, um, don't
worry about me.

No one's talking to me, anyway.

All right now.

Hey, hey.

- What?
- Hey, this is Ryan's bedroom.

Shh.

What, did you two, um...

No.

No, we didn't.

No, no, no, men first
on this situation here.

- Okay.
- Hold on.

Oh, I was so angry at Alex.

I couldn't even think straight.

Oh, God.

I don't have a husband,

I don't have a client,

I probably don't
even have a job,

and I don't even have my shoes.

How'd I make such
a mess of my life?

You had a lot of help.

Oh.

(laughing)

And I think... I think
Lexi likes to talk dirty.

Yeah, I think she appears
to be the kind of person

who likes to talk dirty.

(groans)

I'm sorry.

I'm being insensitive, aren't I?

I don't think it could
get any worse, Michael.

You want to know why
I was looking for Ryan?

Yeah.

Because I wanted to tell him

how much I care about him.

Oh.

See if he'd give
me another chance.

Isn't that sad?

That's-that's very sad.

He's a terrible person.

They are both terrible persons.

They are.

That's right,

and-and you're a
wonderful person

and you don't deserve that.

Michael, you are
a wonderful person.

You...

are a wonderful,

wonderful person.

(groaning)

What the hell?

Okay.

Now, what was the
matter with over there?

It reminded me of Ryan.

I wanted to get as
far away as possible.

Oh.

Damn, it's stuck, Michael.

Oh, come on, now.

Let me give you a...

(gasps) Wait, wait.

You know, okay,
I got a good idea.

- We'll share, okay?
- Okay.

Good, 'cause I need something
soft on my lap anyway.

Watch the thing.

- Watch that.
- Oh.

- Move your leg.
- I don't want to wear that.

- I got it. Whoa.
- Okay.

- Oh.
- Hey.

All righty, now th-that
was a good idea.

It is so nice.

I can't wear this
dress another minute.

It reminds me of
Alex and Michael

and everything I want to forget.

Well, knowing what a
snake Alex is, I'm sure he said

something to Michael
tonight that set him off.

I don't care; I'm tired
of Michael's temper

and this crazy jealousy of his.

I never want to see him again.

Do you realize that
this is my wedding night,

and I'm not gonna have sex?

Now that's not good, that's bad.

- (laughs)
- I know, come on.

You don't have sex
on your wedding night

and the marriage is
in trouble for surely.

Well, I think you could
say your marriage

is definitely in trouble.

You know what, you could
be a friend, you know?

Got a deadline here.

You could help me
turn this thing around.

Oh, you don't mean...

Well, come on, I mean,

- you are my ex-wife, - Oh.

And you are familiar
with the equipment.

That's true.

You could jump in any time here.

- Okay.
- (moaning)

Michael went off the deep end

'cause he's crazy about you

and it makes him
do crazy things.

You're the last person I'd pick

- to be defending him.
- I know.

And I'm sorry about
every bad thing I said

when the two of you
got back together.

I can see how much he loves you.

No, it was just easier for him
than finding someone new.

A real no-brainer,
that's all I am to Michael.

An easy fix.

(knocking)

- Yeah?
- Kyle, someone broke into my place.

- What?
- They kicked the door in; they trashed it.

- You got to be kidding me.
- No.

Okay, yeah.

(laughs)

That'll be bucks.

- What?
- I'm a professional.

Oh, well, you know
what, it was worth it.

Now, what would
I get for bucks?

Oh, oh.

(moaning)

I'm glad I went to the ATM.

Oh, yes.

Won't be needing these anymore.

(sighs)

Oh, they're inscribed.

"First,

"Last,

Forever"

Oh.

Go talk to him.

No, I can't.

- I don't even know where he is.
- (creaking)

What the...?

(screaming)

Michael?

RYAN: Megan?

Holy...
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