03x02 - I'm Going to Sweatland

[bunniefuu]

They don't fit,

and your ad said,
"We fit every foot."

Yes, ma'am, but our problem is
what we're dealing with

is not what Webster meant
by "feet."

Now, let's face it, girls,

what we've got here
are rib roasts with nails.

Now, what I would suggest

is surrounding your tootsies
with those little brown potatoes

wrapped in foil
and serve with dry wine.

Oh!

Well!

Oh, over here, dear.

Just put them anywhere.

Hi, Al.

Honey, you would've been
so proud of me.

I spent every penny you have,
but not a cent more.

Now I need a little tip
for Alejandro.

Sure. Don't touch my wife.

Kmart, tomorrow,
-ish.

Peg, I understand
your great need to shop.

After all,
you have to do something

to break up
that nothing you do at home,

but, you know,

as I was vacuuming
my shirt this morning,

I said to myself,
"Hey, I got a wife. I have to.

Why else would I not care
about my health?"

What's your point, Al?

I don't have
any clean shirts, Peg.

Do what I do,
buy a new one.

Well, I would have,
but I didn't want to wake you,

prying my wallet
out of your claws.

Let's try this,

pretend the mall closes at ,
go home and clean my clothes.

What am I being punished for?

Okay, Al, I'll do the wash,

but first,
give me some more money.

I need quarters for the machine.

Hey, you're not gonna get me
with that one twice.

We own that machine.

I don't wanna do the wash, Al.

There's nothing to buy there.

I know, let's compromise.

Gimme some money,
and on your way home,

you can pick up Chinese food,
and we'll have a nice dinner.

Peg, I'm serious.
Look at this shirt.

It doesn't show up in a mirror.

Now, go home, do the wash.

Until then, you're cut off,
understand? No money.

Yes, Al.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

the sun is setting,
and my shirt wants to party.

I have to put these shoes away.

Al...

No more money!

[SILENTLY]

[SNEEZES, REGISTER DINGS]

AL: Bless you!

Thank you, dear!

[COUGHS]

Better take something
for that cough, Peg.

Oh, I already did.

Honey, I'm gonna go home now

and think about
doing your laundry.

Oh.
Oh.

E-excuse me, ma'am.

Uh, where's the pharmacy?

Thank you, ma'am.

Al...Al!

Guess what I just saw.

A mother
with her children.

No.

Al, I just saw Elvis.

Elvis who, Peg?

Elvis Presley.

The King.

The Pelvis.

Peg, let me explain
three things to you.

Number one, Elvis is dead.

Number two, Elvis wasn't
any good when he was alive.

And number three,
if he was alive,

he'd want you to clean my shirt.

You don't believe me?

As much as I believed you

when you told me
cleaning promotes heart disease.

Well, that was a mistake.

They meant smoking,

but I didn't want
to quit smoking.

Honey, I really did.
I just saw Elvis.

There's only one dead guy
in the mall, Peg,

and you're looking at him.

Now, go home
and clean my shirt!

Al, I saw Elvis.

And if it turns out
that it really was him,

I want you to give me $ .

Peg, if it turns out
to be Elvis,

I'll give you everything I have.

I'd rather have $ .

So I searched
every store in the mall,

but Elvis was gone.

I know it was him, Marcy.

He looked just like he did
when they buried him.

I loved Elvis.
I wish he were alive.

He's the one person
I'd cheat on Steve with.

Well...him and
Boom Boom Mancini.

I'm telling you, Marcy,
I saw him.

Look, Peggy, a lot of people
think they saw Elvis.

He was an idol, a sex symbol.

And with men
what they are today,

is it any wonder
we look to the dead

for a little excitement.

Believe me, Peggy,

no one wishes he were alive
more than I do.

I've been to Graceland.

I saw him in Vegas.

His buns alive with magic.

His voice pulsing through me,
reaching my secret places.

His hips undulating,
swirling, grinding,

driving his essence
into my very soul

again and again,

faster and faster until...

until...

[GASP SHIVERS]

Can I have a cigarette?

Anyhow, what I'm saying here
is Elvis is dead,

and we should get on
with our lives.

Oh, God.

Do you realize

that you just had more sex
today in this house

than I've had
in years of marriage...

and it lasted longer.

Oh, well.

At least I've got my health.

[BELL RINGS]

Come in!

No, Peggy,
that's the dryer.

It means it's done.

Well, what do we do now?

You fold them.

Oh, I don't like this at all.

Oh, Marcy,
he was so real.

Can you imagine what
it must have been like

to really be
married to Elvis?

And to have his baby.

But Steve's
just as good.

[BOTH LAUGH]

See, Peggy,
washing isn't so bad.

Yeah, you could
be right.

It's a lot better

than just throwing
these clothes away.

Gee, you can use them
again and again.

Marcy, this is remarkable.

You got all the yellow out.

Al's T-shirts
are gray again.

And all the stains
are gone.

Oh, except
for this one.

Give me that.

Oh, my God.

Oh, don't worry, Marce.

The numbing in the fingers
is only temporary.

It's caused by
the special oils and spices

in Al's body.

No, Peggy.

Look at the stain.

It's the King.

Yeah, it's a good one,

but by no means
one of Al's best.

No, look at
the shape of it.

It's Elvis' face.

Al sweated Elvis.

It does look like him.

It is him.

It's a sign.

You did see Elvis.

You've been chosen.

Elvis is alive
in Al's underwear.

Poor Elvis.

First Vegas and now this.

Let's see what else he sweat.

You know, Marce,

I've always wondered
why Al was born,

now it's so clear.

Al's armpits are the doorway
to another dimension.

Quick, Al, raise your arms.

Quick, Al, lower them.

It's death, all right,
but nobody we know.

The rest of this stuff
is clean. Damn it.

Excuse me, uh, Peg,

but much like I said
on our honeymoon,

what's happening here?

Look, Al.
You sweated Elvis.

Peg, if Elvis was married
to you, he'd sweat me.

What's your point, Peg?

Honest, honey,
you sweated Elvis Presley.

You know, you may have
the brains of a shoe salesman,

but you have the pores
of Michelangelo.

Al, do you know
what this means?

That the tough part of my day
is not over yet?

No, Al, it means I really did
see Elvis in the mall.

It means he is alive,

and it means
he's trying to contact me.

Oh, honey, I finally understand
the real purpose of my life.

It's to use you.

Not as I have been,

but as an extension cord
to the King.

He's alive!
He's alive!

She saw him!

You wanna
see Elvis?

I'll show you Elvis.

Now that we've seen Elvis
and felt his presence,

let's honor him

by doing something
he really loved to do:

eat dinner.

Now, I'm going to do something
that Al Bundy loves to do.

Oh, uh...

I'll let you know
if I conjure up any superstars.

Heathen.

Don't let anyone
touch that shirt.

The world must know.

I'm going to call
my Elvis fan club hotline.

Then what will happen?

They may send a representative.

[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

Get your dogs!

Get your Elvis "You Ain't
Nothin' But A Hound" dogs!

I'll take .

And then
Elvis said to me,

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
"Peggy, I could've talked
through anyone,

"but I chose you,

"because I like a woman
with tall hair."

[SIGHS]

And then we held hands.

This one.

[GASPS, SIGHS]

And then,
as if the kiss wasn't enough,

Elvis gave me a massage.

Oh.
Ooh.

Uh, Peggy,
can I see you a minute?

Did he really
give you a massage?

Well, it was more like
he kind of bumped into me,

but, you know,
when you're married to Al,

that is a massage.

Go on, go on.

Well, then he said,
"Leave your husband.

"He ain't nothin'
but a hound dog.

"Come with me,

"and we'll enjoy a life
of fast living, fast cars

and fast food."

He actually said that?

Well, his exact words were,
"Excuse me, ma'am,"

but it was the way he said it.

Oh, I envy you, Peggy.

My only brush with destiny

was when Clark Gable
came to me in a dream and said,

"Keep your own teeth
as long as you can."

Then Steve's stupid appendix
burst, and I woke up.

That's Steve for you.

Now every time I see that scar,
I think what might have been.

Come on, Marcy, snap out of it.

Clark Gable is dead.

Let's get back to the living.

Now, when Elvis comes for me--

Uh, pardon me.

Could you please show us again
how Elvis sneered

when he found out
your husband sold shoes?

Excuse me, Marcy, my public.

Aw, God, what a miserable day.

Peg, want to get me a beer?

[SIGHS]

Peg--

Will somebody talk to me here?

Sure, Daddy.
Get up and go away.

The Webstocks are on
our package deal,

which includes
a tour of the grounds

and priority seating.

So why don't you go upstairs

and make change
for the pay toilet?

I'm Myra Webstock.

We're up from Tecumseh, Iowa.

Don't you just love Elvis?

Get out!

Daddy, be nice.

Don't you understand?

We're competing with
Graceland here.

Go to your room.

I can't, Dad.
That's our Heartbreak Hotel.

Why is it that Elvis is dead,
and I'm the one in hell?

You know, the woman in Denver
who saw Elvis in her eggs

was much nicer.

Everyone...

Everyone,
I want you to meet the man

that sweated Elvis--

My husband,
the man with the golden gland.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi there. I'm Ollie.

I'm Lew.

We're with th Century Shrines.

That's for me, Dad.

Bundy's the name,
bilking the public's my game.

Well, we have
your order right here.

Let's see...

"Two gross
of skinny Elvis pens,

Mm-hmmm.
Yep.

"Two gross
of fat Elvis pens,

rolls of Love Me Tender
toilet paper."

Yep.

Wait a second.

Where's my Jailhouse Rock
shower soap?

Uh...we're out.
Big prison order.

Damn!

Dad, could you raise
both your arms?

The Webstocks want to
put each of their heads

under there
for a picture.

There's five bucks
in it for you.

Is there no pride
left in this family?

And then I said,

"Hey, Elvis. Tell me true,

who do you like better,
Priscilla or me?"

and he raised his head up
from that pizza,

and with pepperoni
on his breath,

he sang this to me:

* Well, since my baby left me *

* I've found a new place
To dwell *

* It's down
At the end-- *

Dad, Dad, Dad,
here's a quarter.

Throw it at Mom,

we'll get
the ball rolling.

Kids, don't you see
what you're doing here?

You're taking money
off of hard-working morons.

How are you gonna
sleep at night?

Well, we could always
rest our heads on this.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[GASPS]

They're here!

They're here!

Peg, what are you doing?

You know I had a hard day.

All I want is some peace,
a meal and some hemlock.

Is that too much to ask?

Boy, you just can't stand

not being the center
of attention.

It's finally
my moment in the sun,

and here you are,
Mr. Total Eclipse.

What could Elvis
have been thinking

when he sweated himself
through you?

Well, it was probably

one of those spontaneous,
happy-go-lucky things

that dead guys do.

All right, everybody,
announcement.

Announcement.

This is my home.

And I want everybody to get--

Peggy...

I'd like you to meet

the National Academy
of Elvis Impersonators.

Howdy, ma'am.

Howdy, ma'am.

Howdy, ma'am.

Howdy, ma'am.

[TOGETHER]
Howdy, ma'am.

Look, Al, Elvii.

Peg, I'm going to say this
as plainly as I can:

It's either Elvis or me.

Now, what's it gonna be?

[BANGS]

: , Bundy!

Thanks, Clyde.

Ahhh...

[KNOCKS]

Where the hell were you
last night, Steve?

I banged on your door
for minutes.

I was looking
for a place to stay.

Why didn't you stay
at the Elvis tent city

that sprang up on my lawn?

Let me get to the point
of my visit, Al.

I'm suing you.

My wife won't leave
your house.

Well, neither will mine,
but they threw me out of court.

This Elvis thing
is ruining my life.

I used to have a wife
that enjoyed my company.

We'd come home from work,
we'd talk, we'd laugh,

we'd share
little banking anecdotes.

That was before...

your wife and your sweat stain
ruined my life.

Now Marcy's at your house,

and it's pretty difficult
to discuss supply-side economics

with a woman who's riding
on the shoulders of a black man,

singing "Viva Las Vegas".

So, what's your beef, Steve?

I want my wife back.

Steve, if it was up to me,
you'd have your wife back,

and mine too,

but it's not up to me.

Our women
have gone insane.

And I've learned,

much like when they're shopping,
sick or horny...

best to stay out of their way.

Why is it only women see Elvis?

Men at least see UFOs,
something useful for mankind.

Well, I think we see UFOs
because we have to.

It's the only way
we can get outta here.

The only thing
that keeps me going

is thinking,
one day, a spaceship will land.

Hopefully, on garbage day.

Then, a gorgeous Martian
with three big hooters comes out

and says, "I can't speak.
I have no parents,

"and I have no idea
what good sex is.

Hop aboard.
My planet, su planet."

What's the third hooter for?

One on the back for dancing.

You know what the worst part is?

No one dances slow anymore?

[LAUGHS]

No.

It's that there are people
out there

even dumber than women.

And they're at my house
right now,

buying rides on my couch.

Gee, I wish I was
a lowlife con man like my kids,

so I could make some money
off this thing.

Aw, give yourself
some credit, Al.

You're low enough,

you're just not
smart enough.

Thanks, Steve.

Aw, come on,
I'm not telling you anything

that Peggy hasn't told Marcy

and Marcy hasn't told me
a thousand times.

Point is

why should everyone make money
off your sweat but you?

And me.

You know what we say
at the bank,

"When opportunity knocks,
that's us foreclosing."

We got to get
in on this, Al.

Well, I don't know, Steve.

My kids got
the market cornered.

They're selling everything.

What's left?

I mean, what really
says "Elvis"?

Um...

Shoes.

Blue suede shoes.

We can sell blue suede shoes!

Ooh, Al, I like it.
I like it.

All right, now...

I'll be the brains
and the money,

and you, you'll be, uh...

Well, you'll be in the way.
Partners?

Get your blue suede shoe--

Peg...

What did you do now?

Oh, Al.

Something terrible has happened.

Elvis was spotted
in Youngstown, Ohio,

buying quarter-inch lug nuts
at Willie Hardware and Lumber.

As if the King
would really do that.

Do you know what this means?

Now, I am just
an ordinary woman...

married to you.

Oh, Al, I'm so depressed.

Hold me.

Steve, we've got pairs
of blue suede shoes.

What are we going to do?

Oh, Al, I'm so depressed.

Hold me.

People are so stupid.

Elvis didn't say
a thing to me about Ohio.

He probably found out
I had children.

I knew those kids
would ruin my life.

Look, I'm gonna drive
down to Youngstown

right now and straighten
this thing out.

Steve, that's it.
We'll go to Youngstown.

You'd do that for me?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Sure, Peg, right. For you.

Grab the shoes, Steve,
let's go!