03x03 - Poke High

[bunniefuu]

You want
another burger, Al?

They're almost finished.

You made 'em
just like I like 'em.

Dark.

There you go, honey.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Well...

Urp!

I'm full.

Okay, honey, now it's time
to do your chores.

Wait a second, Peg.
We had sex three nights ago.

I'm still kind of woozy.

The garbage, Al.

The longer
of the two jobs.

And the more rewarding.

Don't you even know
how to do that?

Aw, thanks, Peg.
Now it's exactly like sex.

I can't believe it.

I failed.

Which class was it this time?

Oh, Daddy,
I'm not talking about school.

Why would I care about that?

Mom, I flirted with a boy,
and he paid no attention to me.

Oh, honey.

Well, you can't give up.

You've gotta
keep on trying.

Well, there's nowhere left to go

once you've stood
in the boys' shower,

wearing a sign
that says "soap."

Hey, I play for keeps.

It's unbelievable.

Every time I've wanted a guy,
I've gotten him.

I mean, I'm famous for it,

but this guy won't even
look at me.

Mom, you've got to help me.

What did you do
in school to get guys?

Same thing she does now
to chase them away.

Daddy, we're talking.

Just clean up the garbage, Al.

Oh, God.

Well, Kelly,

a good place to start

is to pretend that you have
a common interest.

Now, what does this guy like?

Football.

Everyone wants
a football player.

I played football.

You know, football players
aren't very bright,

and they usually wind up
doing menial jobs

for minimum wage,

desperately clinging
to their former glory.

Yep, yep. They called me
Touchdown Bundy.

Yeah, I was great.

Mom, I have never failed
at getting a guy.

I mean, once that goes,
I'm nothing.

No, Kel.

Once the lips
stop saying, "Yes,"

and the eyes
stop saying, "Duh,"

then you're nothing.

If only it was
as easy for me

as it is for Bud.

A Penthouse,
a night light,

and a pillow
named Shirley.

One problem at a time, kids.

Now, Kelly, here's what
I think you're doing wrong.

Stop flirting with this boy
at school.

Get him alone
with no distractions.

Get him to tell you all
his secret dreams and hopes,

and then use them
to crush him.

The important thing is
to go after what you want.

I did.

AL: Peg, I stepped
in the garbage can,

and I can't get out!

I'll be right there, Al!

Just be sure it really is
what you want.

Hey, no-life,
I need a favor.

I want you help me
get this guy.

What's wrong,

the breakaway blouse
isn't working?

Hey, I'm asking you nice,
you little eunuch.

Anyway, I have an idea.

I checked up on this guy,

and I know he's not doing
too good in English.

"Well," Kelly.

Well what?

[SIGHS]

Okay. So he ain't done
no good in English.

So what?

Okay, once again.

In Of Mice And Men,
the big one was...

Lenny.

Very good.

And the little one was...

Squiggy?

Good. Good.

Now that we've, uh,
conquered literature,

let's move on to spelling.

First word...

"Tramp."

Okay, I think it's time
for a break.

Now, listen, Matt.

You just stay here
and run the alphabet

from A to F
like we've been doing.

I'm Kelly.

Remember? We met in
the boys' shower the other day?

Oh, yeah. The soup girl.

The soap girl.

S-O-P-E.

You're a football player.

I have a football
question for you.

I get cramps
in my leg right here.

Do you think
you could get that out?

Well, it may take some time,
but I'll do what I can.

Uh, hi, Dad.

Dad, I'm Kelly,
and this is Matt.

I'd like you to meet us.

Nice to meet you, Kelly.

So, uh, you're
the football player, huh?

You know, I used
to play football.

You remember
the Panthers of ' ?

Yeah, they were the last
championship team at our school.

Daddy...

AL:
Later, Kelly.

You know who the fullback was
on that team?

Take a guess.

Red Grange?

Well, close.

Me.

You're Red Grange?

Pleased to meet you, sir.

Uh, I'm pleased to meet you too,

but you can call me
by my nickname, Al Bundy.

Daddy...

So, what position
do you play, son?

Fullback.
Yeah?

Well, we went both ways
in our day.

Well, now a lot of
the guys on the team

go both ways.

Not me, though.

I like girls.

Ahem. Ahem.

Kelly, you want to take
something for that?

Anyhow, yeah, we were
really great back then. Yep.

Only team in Polk history
to go undefeated.

Now, that's something
that'll never happen again.

We're undefeated too.

Hmm? Well, h-how many games
you got left?

One. This Saturday.

You really ought to
come see your record

go down the drain,
Mr. Grange.

I can get you good seats.

Did I tell you
that I hold the school record

for touchdowns in a season?

That's amazing.

I'm one touchdown away from
breaking that record too.

[LAUGHS]

It's a young man's world,
you know?

[LAUGHS]

You know I think we have
an old football out back.

What say me and you
go out there

and you, uh...show me
some of your moves?

Sure. Let's go.

Uh, Matt, remember?
My leg?

Oh, I'll look
at it later, Kathy.

It's Kelly. The soup girl.

Hey, Kel,
where's Matt?

AL: Damn it!

[LAUGHS]

That's what we call
a "fake left, go right."

Well...
I'm a little rusty.

You want
to try it again?

You little son of a...

I can't believe it.
I almost had him.

[LAUGHS]

That's what we call

a "faking you
out of your jock."

Yeah, well, I thought
I dropped a quarter.

Let's try it again.

Go back there and take
a run at it this time.

Give it up, Kelly.
You're just not his type.

I am everybody's type.

But why can't I get
this one guy?

Because all he knows
is sports,

and all he likes
is cheerleaders.

[STOMPING]

AL: Ooh!
[THUD]

That's what I call

an "open-handed chop
to the Adam's apple."

Then that's
what I'm gonna be,

a cheerleader.

Kelly, I hate
to burst your bubble,

but there's only
one more game left,

and the squad is full.
It's impossible.

Who could have put
poison oak in your pompoms?

Damn the luck.

Next.

I'm Kelly Bundy,

and the dream of my life
is to become a Polk Dot,

so here's a little cheer
that I wrote myself.

[QUIETLY]
, , , ...

P-O-K-E!

Poke High!

Yay!

Very good,

but it's P-O-L-K,
Polk High.

You know,
after President James K. Polk?

What do you
think, Ms. Mount?

[GRUFFLY] I like her.
I like her a lot.

Congratulations, Miss Bundy,
you are now a Polk Dot.

I'm so excited.

Congratulations, Kelly!
That's so great!

Get a life, will you?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]

All right,
to the right.

Now, make it work.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Oh, come on, Al,
perk up.

I mean, even if
your record is broken,

you still have me.

Yeah, and my job
as shoe salesman.

That's right, honey.

Sometimes you've just got
to pick the man up.

Oh, buck up, Al,
Polk's only up by .

Aw, Polk can't lose.

It's a home game
against the school

from the rich
white neighborhood.

Let's face it, Steve,
my record's history.

I really tried to hurt
that kid, you know?

I know, Al.

Hey, I got something
to make you feel better.

Look at this.

Now, watch this, Al.

Yay, team!

Am I a fan, or what?

I feel so alone.

Oh, honey,
look at our little girl.

She may not graduate,

but she is the prettiest
cheerleader in school.

ALL [CHANTING]:
Poke 'em in!
Poke 'em out!

Poke 'em, poke 'em
in the snout!

If they holler, let 'em go!
Eeny, meeny, miney, mo!

Polk High!

Go, Matt!

Come here!

I'm yours!

Why doesn't Matt ever
play with the ball over by me?

Yoo-hoo, Matt! Matt!

Hey, don't pat him, pat me!

Ow!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Yay, Kelly!

[LAUGHS]

Ah... Look at her, Marce.

I'm so proud of her.

See how she raises her legs
higher than everyone else?

Yes. But the other girls
are standing up.

ANNOUNCER:
And the point-after is good.

The score,
the James K. Polk Panthers, ,

the Chester A. Arthur Aryans,
nothing.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

You stink!

Oh, Al, must the fact
that your glory days are over

drag us all down?

I mean, even if
your record is broken,

you still hold the record

for the most consecutive days
without sex,

and no high school kid's
gonna break that one.

You know, it's amazing.

You got to give Marcy
a lot of credit.

I thought she'd
be gloating,

but she genuinely
feels bad for me.

MARCY:
Look at those young boys.

Those tight little buns

squeezed into those
tight little uniforms.

Spike me, baby.

Spike me.

ANNOUNCER: And late
in the second quarter,

the score, Polk, ,
Chester A. Arthur, .

This is discrimination.

You know, the guys
on the team have it so easy.

A guy gets a little
knee to the groin,

he gets treated
like a baby.

Well, I'm cheering
with a bunion,

and I want
some attention.

Water boy!

What are you doing here?

Well, I had a little
poison oak left over,

so I decided to take out
the water boy.

Meet the new water boy.

You don't even bathe.
What do you know about water?

I know if you spray some
on a cheerleader's sweater,

you get a cheap thrill.

I want water.

Oops.

All right, now, listen up.

This game
is for the championship.

I want percent. Right?

Yeah!
Right!

Here's the play
we're gonna run.

Now, look--

Don't mind me.
I'm just here to cheer.

Go, Matt!

Hey! Do you mind?

Do I interrupt when
you're speaking?

Ow!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Get him!
Yeah!

All right!
Cheerleader huddle!

All right, girls.

We're up, but it's close,

and the guys really need
your support.

Men always need
a woman's support.

What do they give us?

Nothing we can use.

That's why we must treasure
these moments together.

By the way,

tonight will be the traditional
year-end slumber party

at my place.

You seniors know what I mean.

All right, now, get out there

and shake your dots
for Polk High!

[CHANTING]
Our team is what?

OTHERS [CHANTING]:
Red hot!

Our team is what?

Red hot!

Our team is R-E-D red
H-O-T hot!

Once we start we cannot stop!

Uh-huh!

Uh-huh!

Hike!

[***]

[CROWD GASPS]

So when do
the football players

come over
and talk to us?

[SCOFFS]

Nobody talks to us.
We might as well be lepers.

I can't wait
till this game is over.

So, you want to come
to my house tonight

and play some records?

No.

You're a geek.

ANNOUNCER: And we're late
in the fourth quarter,

and Polk is six minutes away
from an undefeated season.

I can't take this.

Ah, what else
could happen to me?

ANNOUNCER:
Your attention, please.

Folks, I've just been told

Red Grange
is in the stands today.

Maybe he'll stand up for us.

[APPLAUSE]

Did you see him?

ANNOUNCER:
Matt Gibson has the ball.

He cuts right.

He's running down
the sidelines.

Matt, Matt!

Yoo-hoo! Matt!

- ...

[***]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

MARCY:
So young, so young...

Hey, number ,

if you got the place,
I'll do the time.

Oh, yeah.

PEG:
Poor Al. He's having
such a miserable day.

Gee, I hope he doesn't realize
this jacket cost $ .

AL:
My record is going to hell.

No one will remember me.

And my wife is wearing
a $ jacket.

STEVE:
I think if I get
into fourth gear

a little sooner,

I can really increase
my miles per gallon.

Oh, man, I'll tell Marcy
on the way home.

It'll really turn her on.

ANNOUNCER:
It's Polk with the ball.

They're up -
with seconds to go.

There's the snap.
The ball pops loose.

It lands in the hands
of an Aryan.

He's lumbering
into the end zone.

Touchdown!

Yes!

It's now Polk, ,
Chester A. Arthur, ,

and they're going for the win
with a -point conversion.

Please let me
have this one.

I haven't asked
you for much.

You haven't
given me much.

You owe me.

Come on, Aryans!

Rommel fakes back to pass.

He spots Himmler
open in the end zone.

He's got it.

The Aryans
take the lead, - ,

with seconds to go
in the game.

Ya-ha-ha-ha-ha!

PEG:
Oh, God.

Now I'm gonna
have to hear

about his
stupid record

for the rest
of my life.

I'm so happy
for you, honey.

[LAUGHING]

I'm going to Disneyland.

There's still
seconds left.

Anything can happen.

Steve, there's three things
I'm sure of in this life:

One is I'll be selling shoes
till the day I die.

Two is Peggy'll win the lottery
the very next day.

And three is there's no way
Polk's gonna win this game.

Only way Polk can win

is if they run the kickoff
all the way back

for a touchdown.

That's impossible.

I can't believe this.

The last play
of the last game.

I've done all this,

and he didn't
even notice me.

And he never will.

ANNOUNCER: There's the kickoff.

Matt Gibson takes it deep
in his own end zone.

[LAUGHS]

He's at the . He's hit.

Now he breaks a tackle
and cuts left

and heads up field.

He's at the , the .

He cuts right.
He could go all the way!

No! No! Somebody stop him!

Anybody!

That's my sideline!
Here he comes!

Matt! Matt! Over here!

ANNOUNCER:
He's at midfield all alone.

He's gonna do it!

Nobody can catch him!

I'll be damned.

Gibson is down!

[LAUGHING]
[g*nsh*t]

And there's the g*n!
It's over!

The Aryans win - .

Huh-ho, heartbreak!

Now that the season's over,

homework, my house, midnightish?

Here's my phone number.

[SIGHS]

[CROWD BOOING]

Call me!

Well, I know you're upset,

but maybe next time
you'll know better

than to bet
on a high school football game.

[SIGHS]

That was Reverend Felcher.

Church is another place
the Bundys are not allowed.

Ah, it's the freeway ban
that really hurts.

Honey, you've got to talk
to Kelly.

Tell her what she did was wrong,

and she disgraced
the entire family,

which is not
an easy thing to do.

I'll handle it, Peg.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi, Daddy.

Kelly, sit down here a minute.

Kelly, I want to talk to you

about what happened
this afternoon.

Good girl.