03x12 - My Mom, the Mom

[bunniefuu]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[PEG EXHALES]

Hmm.

"Cher to wed -year-old alien."

Well, good for her!

Hey, Peg.

Oh, good.

I caught you
on a break.

Listen.

Last night I saw a bright star
shining in the East.

Peg...

Did you do our laundry?

I had to.

One of your shirts
reached out of the hamper,

grabbed me around the windpipe,

and demanded
to be taken to the airport.

Stupid shirt.

If it was that easy,
I would've been gone years ago.

Now, look, Peg.

Two months ago, I bought
pair of socks.

Now I got
swinging singles

with only
one complete pair.

Then wear them.

I can't.

They're the socks
I got married in.

The evil socks.

What are you doing
with my socks, Peg?

I didn't want to tell you
because I knew you'd get upset,

but I traded your socks
and the family cow

for these magic beans.

Something's going on here, Peg.

Something dark, something deep,
something sinister,

so I know a woman's behind it.

Now, I called all my friends,

and their socks
are disappearing too,

and their wives
claim they don't know either.

So level with me, Peg.

What is Oprah telling you
to do with our socks?

Or was it Geraldo?

Sell a shoe, Al.

Fine,
but I'll be watching you.

Mom, Dad, big news
at school today.

All the guys
are losing their socks

while the girls in Home Ec
giggle fiendishly?

Mom, big news in school today.

The tap-dancing club was doing
a recital in the ghetto.

Now, apparently, all the gangs
banded together

and att*cked their bus.

They couldn't figure out why,
but it seems that someone

spray-painted a slogan on
the side of the bus that said,

"We may be nerds, but at least
we're not poor. Ha ha."

That's terrible.

Who would do
a mean thing like that?

I'll give you a hint.

She lives here,

has white hair,

and misspelled "ha ha."

Oh, no.
Not what's-her-name.

It's Kelly, Al.

Yeah, that's the one.

Our spelling bee winner
should be here any second.

Dad, please,
go easy on her.

I'll get your belt.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Kelly.

Anything interesting
happen at school today?

Oh, not to me.

Well, good night.

Kelly!

Oh, yeah.

There was this
one thing, though.

There's this girl
who looks just like me

who got into
a peck of trouble today,

so if the principal calls and--

Gee, Mom,
you look fantastic,

and, Dad...

Doesn't Mom look fantastic?

Hey, what say we unplug
the phones and play Yahtzee?

Dad, I couldn't find your belt,

but I figured
we'd tie her down with this...

Hi, Kelly.

You told, didn't you?

Just about the spray painting,

not that you came in
at a.m. last night.

Oops.

You know you're going to be
punished for this, don't you?

Well, you're gonna
have to take a number.

They're already
punishing me at school.

Principal Wicker's
been out to get me

ever since I stole
her stupid husband.

I mean, some chalk.

Well, what's she
going to do to you?

I have to join
the tap club.

With the nerds
and the geeks?

Nerds, dips, feebs
and geeks.
[GROANS]

I either tap,
or I'm out of school.

What would you do, Mom?

I'd quit school.

Way to go, Supermom.

I can't quit school.

I need school.
It's like my office.

I check in, I get my messages,

I go to lunch...

I close a couple of deals,
and I go home.

I mean, if I'm on the streets,
I'm just another...

Flophouse toy?

No, girl-repellent.

I need school.
I belong there.

It's where I'm cool.

It's where I'm important.

It's where
I can get a hot meal.

But if I tap,
I'll be branded as an ortho.

Oh, God, my brain hurts.
Somebody help me.

Okay, look.

Kelly, what you did was wrong.

It was funny, though.

But wrong.

Uh, I guess.

Look, there's two things
that Bundys don't do:

We don't eat vegetables,
and we don't tap.

So take one more tap class,

and tomorrow
I'll get up,

paint one of my ankles,
go to work,

and then after that,
I'll see your principal.

Thanks, Daddy.

Then I'll go
to the airport,

and I'll go to Borneo,

where I'll be I'll be known as

"That Great White Bwana
With No Socks."

Roll,

fold,

and flip.

See? It's easy.

Steve's mother used to
twist, twist, and tuck.

Of course,
Steve's mother is an idiot.

She sewed his name
in his underwear

when we got married, you know.

Al's mother just threw up
in the dip.

They can't let go,
can they?

How come Al
has so many socks?

Well, last night,

after Al learned
that a man with $

is not a king in Borneo,

he went out to buy some socks

at Bob's Pre-owned
Socks 'N Stuff.

He's on this weird
sock quest,

and he just won't believe

that I don't lose them
on purpose.

Does Steve blame you
when his socks disappear?

Oh, Steve never loses a sock.

He pins them together
before I wash them.

Another tip from Mommy.

Yeah, Al's mother had
a tip for him too,

"Don't eat the dip tonight."

[TAPPING FOOTSTEPS]

Well, I'm a dweeb.

Honey, what happened
to your shoes?

Oh, same thing
that happens

to all
nerds' possessions--

The cool kids stole them
and threw them down the sewer.

Then they said,

"Gee, I wish Kelly was here
to see this girl crying."

Well, how was class?

Oh, it was keen, Mom.

Today, they made me dance
with Marty Newberger,

the four-eyed saliva machine.

[MASCULINELY]
He wants to be friends.

Kelly's principal

is making her
take tap dancing.

Oh, how wonderful!

I took tap and cotillion
when I was growing up.

Isn't it fun?

Fun?

The whole class
is geeks and dweebs.

Really?

When I took tap,

there were no geeks or dweebs
in my class.

Well, I'm gonna
shuffle off, shuffle off,

shuffle off
in front of a truck.

Daddy,
did you talk to the principal?

Did you save my life?
Did you get me off?

Did Daddy ever
let you down before?

Lots of times.

Then you won't be surprised

at what Daddy
has to say to you.

I went into
Mrs. Wicker's office

and had it out
with her man-to-man.

I forgot how much
she hated me.

Peg, she remembered
you, too.

She called you
"The Big Easy."

Well, we get into it,

I called her Big Nose,
she called me One Sock,

and, uh, well,
the upshot is--

The upshot is

I'm not allowed within
yards of the school

until the night
of your dance recital.

I don't have to do
a dance recital.

You do now.

Boy, I'm hungry. What do
we got in the fridge?

A milk carton
with a tree growing out of it.

Well, chop it down,
cook it up.

Uh, doesn't
anybody care

that we seem to be

glossing over
the end of my life?

Uh, excuse me here,

but there is nothing wrong
with tap.

I tap.

Steve taps.

Sammy Davis Jr. taps,

and he is one hep black cat.

Tap is an art form.

Open yourself to tap,
you'll never look back.

Mom, while Mrs. Rhoades
finishes her geek att*ck,

let me explain
this to you

so that
you can understand.

There's this guy.

He is a god...

the janitor
at our school.

So obviously
all the girls want him.

Okay, I'm with you,
I'm with you.

All right, so I've been
playing it cool.

You know, a little smile,
a little wink,

a little, "Hey, Bruno,
look at this."

You know,
he's on the hook,

and I'm just about
to land him.

He thinks I'm cool,

but if he sees me wearing
these horseshoes,

he's gonna go for
some other slut.

Oh, Mom!

Honey, you may not
believe this now,

but there will be
other janitors.

Not like this one.

Oh, I know, I know,

but honey, we're not rich enough
to send you to private school,

you're not smart enough
to get an equivalency diploma,

and unless your father

comes up with
a brilliant idea...

I'm afraid you're
gonna have to tap.

Miss Music, cue it up, please.

["ANYTHING GOES" PLAYING]

Hey, "Anything Goes."

That's your song,
isn't it, Kel?

[MOUTHS]

Focus, Kelly. Focus.

All right. Now, watch me.

And a-five, six, seven, eight.

Hop, shuffle, step.

Fa-lap, ball change.

Now you.

Nerd, geek, dweeb,
da-weeb, nerd, dork.

Good, good.

See, you're starting
to feel it.

Now with me.

Miss Music, hit it.

A-five, six, seven, eight.

["ANYTHING GOES" PLAYING]

Al, look at
our little girl.

We don't really
have to go

to a recital, do we?

Peg, remember
the Bundy credo:

When one Bundy
is embarrassed,

the rest of us feel
better about ourselves.

Well, we're gonna be feeling
mighty good come showtime.

Hop, shuffle, step,
shuffle, step,

shuffle, ball change,
ball change,

Hop, shuffle, step,

shuffle, step, shuffle, step,

ball change, ball change,
cramp roll...

Bring it home, baby!

Bring it home!

And the big finish!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, Steve!

Yeah, I know, I know.

Kelly?

Kelly!

Don't do that!

You can have fun
in those shoes.

See, your problem is

you're not tuned in to
the true spirit of tap

and what tap
can do for you.

Now, tap can be your
friend, you know,

on those lonely nights

when the cool kids

don't invite you
to their parties.

When everybody else
is out having fun,

but you're home, studying,

trying to make something
of yourself,

so that someday

you can own the best car
in the neighborhood.

And on those mornings
when you look in the mirror,

and see a guy
who's pretty darn good-looking,

but shunned
because of his intelligence.

But they'll be sorry someday,

because everybody needs
a car or a home loan,

and that's when they come
crawling on their bellies to me.

So I guess "Steve, Steve,
the school's pet peeve"

is worth something after all.

So crawl, crawl, you paupers,
and kiss my--

Uh--
What?

Steve.

Oh.

Anyhow, the point is

tap builds character
for people who need it.

I didn't. I was popular.

I played the accordion.

Al, we've got to
do something.

We cannot let her
turn out like this.

Peg, if she doesn't tap,
she's out of school.

Then she'll be home
all day with you.

And hop,
shuffle, step,

fa-lap,
ball change.

Oh, very good.

Very good.

Al, she dances
like a horse.

[APPLAUSE]

That was fun, wasn't it?

My goodness,
that Newberger boy

doesn't swallow
at all, does he?

He gets some good distance, too.

Al, maybe
it's not too late

to get Kelly
out of this.

Try saying something nice
to Principal Wicker.

You're looking
less ugly tonight.

If your daughter isn't great,
she's out of here

like spit
through a trumpet.

There's no
reaching her, Peg.

Oh, and by the way,

a week ago I had
pairs of socks.

Now I have a red
and a green one.

I know you're
up to something.

All women are in it.

It's a signal,
isn't it?

It means "a year
before we strike."

Al, you're just
being paranoid.

I just know Kelly's going
to mix up my instructions.

She's going to shuffle
when she should be balling.

I just know it.

Hop, shuffle, death.

Hop, shuffle, fail.

Hop, shuffle, bus station.

[SIGHS]

Hi, Kel.

Gee,

are your front teeth
starting to protrude?

Isn't that an early warning
sign of geekdom?

How come no date tonight, Bud?

Couldn't get the wig on Buck?

That's funny, Kel.

Hey, can you do me
a favor?

Can you say...
"duh-eeee?"

Oh, God!

It's him.
It's Bruno.

If he sees me,
I'm going to die.

Hey, Bruno, look.

It's Kelly.

Hi, Kelly.

I didn't
recognize you.

How come you look
like a geek?

Well, it's, uh,
"Be Kind to Geek Week,"

so, you know...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, did you see
Newberger out there

fizzing his way
across the stage?

I wonder if he does lawns
on the weekends?

Listen, you don't want
to watch these geeks.

Why don't you
hit the parking lot

and pick out a car
we can take for a ride?

Hey, you know,
I'd love to,

but, you know,
it's a parole violation.

I think I'll just
hang with you

and laugh at the nerds.

I'm laughing
already.

Uh-oh, Newberger's
talking to somebody.

I'd better
go use this mop

before they drown.

Coming!

Gee, Kel, what you
gonna to do now?

HOST:
And now, the Ganaywick sisters

will delight you
with their tap interpretation

of "Dueling Banjos."

[SLOW THUDDING]

I'm doomed.

Listen, Kel,

if it makes you
feel any better,

I find this...

very, very funny.

What am I doing?

I'm not a tap dancer.
I mean, let's face it,

they're gonna throw me
out of school no matter what.

Well,

one thing I've learned
from being a Bundy

is if you're gonna lose,
lose big.

That's what Dad does,

and that's what I'm going to do.

Ah, what the hell.

I hate you,
but you're my sister,

so if you need help,
you got it.

Hey, girlie...

how would you like
to keep your hair?

[CLAPPING]

She's next, Bundy. Ha ha!

Come on, Wicker.

You're not really going
to make my daughter

go through with this,
are you?

Think back to when
you were a little girl...

roaming the range

with the rest
of the buffalo.

Scratching yourself
up against a tree.

Trembling to the sound
of the iron horse.

She dances
or she's expelled.

There's no
charming her, Peg.

Before our next act,
please, please remember,

we need you
to contribute to our fund

for a new tap club bus.

And now I hope you'll welcome
our final act,

Miss Kelly Bundy.

[APPLAUSE]

Where's the top hat?
Where's the cane?

["FEVER" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

* I never know
How much I love you *

* I never know
How much I care *

* When you put
Your arms around me *

* I get a fever
That's so hard to bear *

* You give me fever *

* When you kiss me *

* Fever when you
Hold me tight *

* Fever *

* In the morning *

* Fever all through the night *

She's not doing--

She is not doing
what I told--

Marcie...

Take me, tap master.

* You give me fever *

Hey!
Cut that out!

My little girl's
up there.

She's liable
to see you.

Peg, has everybody
lost their minds but us?

* Never know
How much I love you *

* Never know how much I care *

* When you put
Your arms around me *

Aah!

* I get a fever
That's so hard to bear *

* You give me fever *

* When you kiss me *

* Fever when you
Hold me tight *

* Fever *

* In the morning *

* Fever all though the night *

* Sun lights up the daytime *

* Moon lights up the night *

* I light up
When you call my name *

* And you know
I'm gonna treat you right *

* You give me fever *

* When you kiss me *

* Fever when you
Hold me tight *

* Fever *

* In the morning *

* Fever all through the night *

* Everybody's got the fever *

* That is something
You all know *

* Fever isn't
Such a new thing *

* Fever started long ago *

* Ah **

Well, we're done.

Where did everybody go?

Wasn't that nice?

Oh, oh, thank you.

Thank you.

She's our best student,
you know.

Oh.

She bit me
on the neck, Peg!

Now I'll live forever!

Oh, no!

[APPLAUSE]

BUD:
Kelly, help me!

Please, please!

A Ganaywick
sister has me!

Help!