03x13 - Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me

[bunniefuu]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Nuh!

Peg!

Dinner!

Peg no home.

She go shop.
We no eat.

Kelly, why don't you cook up
old Dad something to eat?

Daddy, I am practically a woman.

I don't cook.

Why don't you just do
what I do when I get hungry?

Get a date.

And slit your skirt
up to your chin.

Bud, you don't date.
How do you eat?

Well, just like
the proud Indian,

I've learned
to live off the land.

Now, for instance, well,
let me show you what I mean.

Now...

you see this cr*ck
between the stove and the wall?

Every now and then,
I'll find, say...a fuzzy M&M.

Now...

you just peel
the protective coating,

and you've got a nice little
dose of simple carbohydrates,

and don't throw away
that colorful shell.

It makes a hearty base for soup.

Well, then, I'll get the hanger,
and a little piece of gum,

and a-hunting we will go.

Oh, hi, Kelly.

Honey, help me hide these
before your father gets home.

Oh, ha ha.

Hi, Al.

Thanks, Peg.

I had a French fry on the hook,
and you made me drop it.

It'll be there tomorrow.

You know, I have a bone
to pick with you, Al.

There wouldn't be
any meat on it, would there?

No.

I am really upset.

I went shopping today.

You know, spending here,
spending there,

to warm up
to some serious shopping.

Well, just when
I was loose and ready...

Bam! You ran out of money.

Look at these bags.

This is what you make, Al.

All of it.

I must be
the most patient woman on Earth.

Kids, I am sorry
you had to hear this.

Oh, I wasn't listening, Mom.

Oh, um, Dad, could we have
some money to go out to dinner?

Kids, today's Thursday.

You know
we don't eat till Friday.

Al, you are a total disgrace.

Come here, kids.

Here you go.

You can always depend on Mom.

Thanks, Mom.
Thanks, Mom.

There. You happy, Al?

Now, I'm broke too.

Well, we may as well
face it.

We just can't make it as
a single income family anymore.

Me and the girls
talked about it over lunch,

and we all agree,

you'll just have to
get a second job.

You're that afraid
I'll live out the year, Peg?

What's wrong
with you getting a second job?

Peg, let me state this
as clearly as I can.

I would rather rip off my nose
with a can opener.

I would rather
bob for apples in a sewer.

I would rather have a catheter
the size of a garden hose...

before I get another job
to pay for your shopping.

Think it over.
We'll talk about it later.

Damn ants got the gum.

I have to get
one of my fishing rods.

Oh, and Peg,
by the way,

have I told you today
that I loved you?

No, Al.

Hi, Peggy.

I know it's dinner time,

but I wanted to catch you
before you called in your order.

Gee, I'm glad you're here.

I am working on a way
to increase our income.

Oh, you looking
for a job?

Oh, come on.

It's for Al.

He really needs a second job.

I mean, he comes home from work,

and has nothing to do
but sit back and watch that TV.

That's no kind of life
for a man.

This should revitalize him.

Hey!

"Chicken plucker."

Pays more than a shoe salesman.

Uh-oh.

"Must have good personality."

Oh, well.

Hmm, "sperm donors."

Whoops. They want someone
with experience.

You know,

I have a friend that runs
a pit-bull-training school.

Does Al have a protective cup?

What for?

I'll put it down as a maybe.

Yeah, well,
think about it.

He could
work his way up

to the guy with
the tranquilizer g*n.

Mm, I don't know.

Al's aim
isn't very good.

You've seen
our bathroom.

And your children.

Now, this looks perfect.

"No skills,
no experience,

no brain required."

Well, that's everything
but his name.

Listen.

"The Patty Brite company
is looking for you

"to distribute
an exciting new line

"of Patty Brite cosmetics.

"Unlimited
growth potential,

work in your own home,
earn lots of S's."

Those are dollar signs, Peg.

Even better!

Then it's settled.

Al is gonna be a Patty girl.

Don't you think you
should check with Al?

Hey.

I did not have two children
checking with Al.

Generally, we feel

you are your own
best advertisement,

so we like our Patty girls
to wear our cosmetics.

Would your husband have
a problem wearing makeup?

Madam, my husband
sells women's shoes.

Oh.

Well, at least

that shows
he'll do anything.

Ugh...

Very good.

And, after a few months
of selling Patty products,

he'll be able
to dump that day job.

I dumped my day job.

What was your day job?

Phone sex.

You make that much?

Oh, this is too good for Al.
Tell me more.

Well, there are
the Patty parties.

You go to parties?

That's the job.

You see,
you throw parties,

have your friends over,

then watch the products
sell themselves

while you just sit
and do nothing.

Well, I can do that.

And to think
I was just giving it away.

Well, what do I need
to start?

Just a deep and abiding
belief in makeup,

and our super-deluxe
"Patty party starter" kit.

Well, how much
does that cost?

$ .

Oh, but that's just
a drop in the bucket

compared to your first
month's commish.

Well, just how much commish
are we talking about?

Whoa!

Will you take a check?

Sure.

Does it have to be good?

No.

We'll just put a lien
against your husband's wages.

I'm in!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

PEGGY: Yes,

I did get last week's commish,

and a nice commish it was too.

Okay, here's this week's order.

One dozen Patty powder puffs,

a quart of Chin-Away,

one dozen

"He'll Think It's
Someone Else's Eyes" liner,

and one vat of "Unh" Perfume...

in addition to my regular order.

Okay, thanks,

and you have a Patty day too!

That was delicious, Daddy.

Oh, yeah.

We're sorry
you didn't have enough money

for you to eat, Dad.

Well, that's okay.

That sugar water
really filled me up.

What matters is that you two
had a nice, nutritious meal.

I just hope
my begging and whining

didn't bother you.

Well, not after we had
the waiter kick you out.

Al, can I ask you something?

No, we can't
have any more children.

Not that.

If ever the day should come
when I find a little job,

is it all right
if I keep the money I make?

Peg, if ever the day should come

when somebody pays you
for what you do,

grab it and spend it quickly,

because the world
is coming to an end.

Thank you, Al.

Thank you.

Look what I made.

Look,
it's a check...

with Mom's name
on it.

We love you, Mommy.

Save your breath.

Daddy said
I could keep it.

Okay, Peg.

I know that Oprah
isn't paying people

to watch her show
with their mouths open,

so how'd you
get the money?

I'm a Patty Brite girl.

I sell cosmetics
in my spare time.

So it's a full-time job?

No, but it's full-time pay.

Gee, Dad, Mom
makes more than you.

Do we still have
to call him "Dad"?

Or do we
call you "Dad"?

Well, I think
the check speaks for itself.

Let's go to the mall now.
You can watch me spend.

Dad, can you
pinpoint for us

the exact moment that
life passed you by?

Son, life didn't pass me by...

it sat on my head.

Well, I still
love you, Daddy.

I just don't have
any respect for you.

Well, pumpkin,
the feeling is mutual.

Aw.

Oh, don't worry, Al.

It's not like I'm going
to rub your nose in it.

[SHOUTING]
Everyone, guess what!

I make more money
than my husband!

Well, I guess
when you come right down to it,

all a guy has is his dog.

[GROWLS]

WOMAN:
Well, Al,

what do you want to be
when you grow up?

YOUNG AL:
President of the United States.

WOMAN:
Then someday you will.

Yeah, right, Mom.

Try saying that
when you're sober.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, what do you want, Steve?

I was about to eat
and fight cavities.

I just heard the news
about Peggy's income.

Well, actually,
I didn't hear it.

The neighborhood women
spray-painted it on your car.

You sure it was paint?

Or was it man blood?

Aw, buck up, Al.

So Peggy's got a
bigger income than you.

So what?

Does that make you
less of a man?

Oh, sure, if you believe
what's written on your car.

But, that aside, there
are plenty of positives

to a two-income family.

Like what, begging the wife
for some extra cash?

Well, if you
ask her just right,

you can walk away
with some nice pin money.

I know,
you give up a little--

Steve, you've seen my life.

A little is all I've got.

I know, Al,

but the important thing is,

women have to work
for their self-esteem.

I'm proud of Marcie.

I mean, even if we have to
share the cooking duties

because she's tired from work.

Of course, my mother worked
and she cooked every day.

Good too.

Not like those
frozen fish sticks

and Tater Tots
Marcie calls dinner.

But I'm happy.

Yep, I'm just a...

A happy Tater-Totting,
fish-sticking man.

Pretty pathetic,
Steve.

No kidding.

Well, at least
yours has a skill.

I mean, if Peggy could
nag in sign language,

she wouldn't need
a head at all.

How can she
earn more than me?

I can't...

Would you like some floss
with that, Steve?

I can't let her b*at me.

What I have to do

is get a second job
and not tell Peg.

That way, I'll seem like
I'm a better salesman than her,

and I'll get back
my self-respect.

CAPTAIN [OVER INTERCOM]:
Beam me up a burger, Bundy,
warp speed.

People out there
dying for kangaroo, huh?

That's right.
Tell the world, Bundy.

Ah...

You didn't make
the noise, Bundy.

Whoosh.

Hey...

we got a lot of unhappy
passengers out there,

crewman Bundy.

Talk to me
like a person.

Oh, um, like, okay, like,
old dude...

um, I had to leave the bridge
to tell you this, but, um,

we've had lots of complaints
about this burger.

What's wrong?

You tell me what's wrong.

Some pouch get in there?

Look, there's no place at
Burger Trek for a rebel, Bundy.

Come on, you know,
we've got, like,

a mission to accomplish.

BOTH:
To go where no burger
has gone before.

Okay. Yeah, right.
That's good.

Well, let's just start
from the beginning, okay?

What goes on
a hamburger?

Tomato, onion,
ketchup, pickle,

and a squirt
of beef squeezings.

Okay, now, that is
our special sauce, Bundy,

and that goes on last.

You've been putting yours on
first,

and it's been washing
the coloring off the tomatoes.

Get with the program, Bundy.

You're a disgrace to the hat.

Aw, clean your station.

Marry a redhead.

[GROANS]

You know,
when I took this job,

they didn't say
anything about cooking.

Ugh.

Oh, there's some
burger fur in there.

And why isn't
Bundy doing this?

The captain didn't think
he was ready.

I mean, look at
the poor old guy.

I mean,
why would

a -year-old man

want to work
in this dump?

To meet chicks.

Oh, Bundy, Bundy, Bundy.

Whoosh!

No, no, no, no.
It's not that.

Look. You pulled
another burger boner.

What did I do,
send one out hot?

No, you sent one out
without onions.

Damn.

Look, Bundy,

hey, I'm not a bad guy.

Let's just talk, like,
you know, dude to dude, okay?

See, I'm up on the bridge,

and I'm trying
to do my homework.

I mean, what do you
want me to do, like,

flunk out of school and become,
like, a bum or a shoe salesman?

Look. Look,
just get back to work.

God, I never should
have fired my dad.

Would the crewman
who overflowed the toilet

please report
to the bridge?

Here's another
commission check

from Patty Brite
cosmetics.

How does she do it, Steve?

How can she make more money

than a man who sells
shoes and burgers?

Al, I made more than you
losing a tooth when I was a kid.

Well, how would you like to make
a fortune tonight, Steve?

I can't believe it.

She can't sell
more than me.

Her customers
must be morons.

A list of idiots
like that

could really
be worth a fortune

to a good salesman.

Damn! I wish I could
find that list.

Well, maybe
there's a clue

in this book that says,
"Peggy's customers."

Give me that, Steve.
That might be it.

Now, get a pen,
write this down.

Ah! Here we go.

"Peggy Bundy,

"Peggy Bundy,

Peggy Bundy."

Ah, here it is.

"Peggy Bundy."

Look, Al, why don't
we just skip over her

and get to the people

who actually
bought the cosmetics.

Alrighty.

"Peggy Bundy,

"Peggy Bundy,

Peggy Bundy."

She's her own
customer, Steve!

All this time she's been
buying all this stuff herself.

[LAUGHS]

Al, your life is pathetic.

MARCIE:
Steve!

The fish sticks
are thawing!

Carp tonight.

Yum!

Oh, Peg!

Could you come here a minute,
please?

What is it, Al?

Did I get another
commission check?

Did I? Did I? Huh? Huh?

Yes, you did.

Whee!

Yes, "whee" indeed.

Peg, since you're now
an entrepreneur,

I thought it might
be a good idea

for you to learn something
about business.

From you?

Why not? You've taken
everything else from me.

You see, pookie,

since you're the only one
buying your cosmetics,

you're not really
making any money.

Oh, yes, I am.

They send me checks.

Ah, yes,

but you send them
much bigger ones,

and that's what we call
in the world of business

"sending your husband
rocketing to the poorhouse."

Why didn't you
sell any makeup, Peg?

Well, like
I told the girls,

it's not very good.

Well, then, why did
you keep buying it?

'Cause that's how
I make my money.

How much do we owe
for the cosmetics, Peg?

Minus my commission?

Yes.

$ .

Well, at least you're
not in real estate.

Where you going?

We owe a lot of money, Peg.

I know what I have to do.

CAPTAIN: You didn't
make the noise, Bundy.

Whoosh.