03x15 - The Harder They Fall

[bunniefuu]

MAN [ON TV]:
...where glamour meets
Dame Fortune.

Here we are

at "The Luckiest Man on Earth"
party,

and look, isn't that
Joe Piscopo at poolside.

Al, have you seen
my ashtray?

Oh, there it is.

Yeah, I thought the beer
tasted like your hamburgers.

It's an old
family recipe.

Of course, Mom's
was a little different.

She chewed tobacco.

Yeah.

Yeah, I remember
her lemonade.

Mom, Dad, I love you.

Ah, Jesus.

No. I already took some.
Thanks.

No, I just wanted to remind you

that tomorrow's the big day,

so thanks for letting me
have my pajama party.

Oh, no, you're not having
a pajama party.

I'm still getting flashbacks
from your last one you had.

Daddy, I was .

But the judge wanted to try you
as an adult.

Mommy, thanks for letting me

have my pajama party.

You're welcome.

Oh, no,
I'm not going to sit here

and let you two
make my decisions for me.

That's how we had Bud.

Well, Dad,
if you remember,

I was first one to say,
"Let's throw him back."

Now, you promised

that I could have
another pajama party.

It's right here
in black and white.

You signed it
when I was .

"Absolutely no parties
involving pajamas, music,

"or shaving Daddy's head
while he sleeps,

"until you're .

Signed, your father,
God help me, Al Bundy."

You can't hold me to that.
I thought I'd be dead by now.

Well, the joke's
on you, Dad.

No. Actually,
the joke's on me.

But not very often.

Hey, Kel.

Word through the peephole
in the girls' shower room

is that
you're having a pajama party.

Is this true?

Girls, here? In pajamas?

Bud, please,

your pimple
is squirting me.

Mom, please,
it's girls only.

Can't you
send him somewhere,

like Steve and Marcy's,

the zoo, the feed t*nk
at Marineland?

Bud, while Kelly's
having her party,

you will stay
in your room,

and you're only allowed out
for dinner,

which means
you'll be in your room.

[SIGHS]

Oh, come on, Bud.

Just pretend that
it's a normal Saturday night.

Turn the lights down low,

put on some soft music,

and dial - -NO-DATE.

No, Kel.

If it was a normal
Saturday night,

I'd be busy selling
low numbers

to the guys
outside your window.

Eat toe rot.

Lick road k*ll.

You know, I'm getting hungry.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, by the way, on party night,

I want you two in your room
by : ,

and no coming out
during the party.

If my friends knew
what you look like, I'd die.

You know, Peg,
this is my house.

I pay for it,
I live in it,

I like to think
I can roam around it

like any other
desperate caged animal.

What am I
supposed to do

locked in a room
with you all night?

Well, I too
have a promissory note

you signed
when Kelly was .

It's for sex, Al.

Oh, no.
Is it already?

Yes, and I believe
it's the year of the snake.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, please let this be
a b*llet with my name on it.

Never anything I want.

We love you guys.

Yeah, caught between a rock
and a horny place.

What do you want?

We just wanted
to say how we felt.

Oh, and to ask if you would
watch our house for us

while we're in New York.

Peggy, Steve's taking me
to the theater,

then we're going to check
into this little hotel we know.

It's not really little,
it's a night.

How come you never
take me to a hotel, Al?

Because you'd just
find your way home.

Look, we stopped the mail,

canceled the newspaper,

put all the plants
in the bathtub.

All you have to do

is let the plumber in
to fix the sink.

Steve,
now that I hear myself say it,

I'm not sure they can do it.

Marcy, it's so easy,
a chimp could do it.

Unfortunately,
we couldn't find a chimp,

so we lower our standards
and go with these two.

Here you go.

Oh, and if a chimp comes by,

tell him we couldn't wait
any longer.

AL: Have a nice time.

Enjoy the show.

Have a safe trip.
Don't worry about a thing.

They're gone.

I got the key.
Let's loot their house.

You know, Peg, you can learn
a lot about people

going through their safe.

I wonder if Steve knows

that the house is only
in Marcy's name.

And I wonder
if Marcy knows

that Steve's mother
is the beneficiary

to his life insurance.

You know, Peg,
we may not have much,

but at least we don't
keep secrets from one another.

You said it, Al.

Come on, Kel.

I cleaned your whole room,
I alphabetized all your albums.

I even put an
"over one million served" sign

on the wall by your bed.

Now can I stay for your party,
please?

No, pus b*mb, you can't.

Come on, Kel,
I'm not going to touch anything.

I want to, you know,
say hello,

ask how it's going,

watch their moist,
nubile young bodies--

Mom, can't the vet
neuter him?

Or put him to sleep,
or something?

Bud, you will
stay in your room.

Ha.

Spell it.

Gee, Al, they grow up so fast.

Yeah,
Kelly's a young woman,

Bud's a peeping Tom.

Where does the time go?

Daddy, we don't
have any food.

My underwear has no elastic.

Take it up
with June Cleaver here.

So who d*ed and made me Mom?

I'm sorry. I'm being selfish,
aren't I, June?

Well, I'm
going shopping,

so if I don't come back
in four days,

eat without me,

and if I do come back,
call the doctor,

because obviously,
I don't know who I am.

Oh, could you
pick me up some panty hose?

Nude toes, sheer to the tummy,

and, uh, some tampons?

I'm dead. Why don't I fall down?

If you're a kidnapper,
don't forget

the little
male child upstairs.

Have a nice day.

Excuse me, ma'am,

but I'm looking
for a Steve's Roadhouse.

Ah, it's next door.

Here are the keys.

Oh, and if you get thirsty,

there's some good wine

under a false tile
in the bathroom.

Oh, like I wouldn't
have found it myself?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Work, work, work.

You know, Mom, the house
is kind of dirty for my party.

Do you think Dad
will have time to clean it?

It's Daddy's day off.

Of course he will.

[BOTH LAUGH, SIGH]

MAN [ON TV]:
Coming up on Woman World,

Men: Herd 'Em up,
k*ll 'Em All.

How you doing, Peg?

You know, we're gonna have to
get you a little motor

for that couch.

Then you can, you know,

putter around the living room
during commercials.

You know,
I do plenty around here.

Who do you think

put that bull's eye
on the toilet for you?

So I let the plumber in
over at Steve and Marcy's.

Oh, they'll be
so happy.

By the way, did you know
their house is gone?

What do you mean, gone?

Gone.

Like my hopes, my dreams,
my future.

Oh, gone.

It can't be gone.

Al...

Steve and Marcy's house is gone.

Nothing gets by you,
does it, Peg?

Except a house.

Have a nice party, honey.

We'll be at Grandma's
for a week or so.

Oh, when Steve and Marcy
get back,

they'll probably gonna
want to know

where their house is,

but if they don't bring it up,
you don't bring it up.

And, remember,

no boys at the party.

God, you make one mistake
when you're years old,

and they never
let you forget it.

Peg, I don't want
to go to your mother's.

I see how she looks at me,

like I was between
two pieces of bread.

We all know
what happened to her dog.

They never proved that.

[CAR PULLS UP]

It's Steve and Marcy.

They're home early.

Oh, I just know they're gonna
be in a foul mood.

I hope they're not gonna
come over here.

Well, what
are they doing?

Well, they're looking
at their hole.

Now they're looking
at our house.

Now their hole.

Now our house.

Yep. I knew it.

Here they come.

I just know
they're going to blame us.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who is it?

STEVE:
Open up in there!

Oh, hey, Steve,

I'd love to talk to you,

but I know you're all tired out
from your trip and all,

so why don't you just turn in,

and we'll chat tomorrow?

Nighty-night.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Who is it?

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Hey, Steve.
Now, that's rude.

A man's home
is his castle.

Well, mine is a moat, Al.

What did you do with our house?

Well, now, relax.
Just relax.

Tell us about
your trip first.

You want to hear about
our trip?

Okay,
I'll tell you about our trip.

First, they lost
our luggage,

then our
hotel reservations.

The play we wanted to see stunk,

and I didn't get any sleep.

Why? Because all the good
heating grates were taken.

So we came home.

You have anything to tell us?

Well, Kelly's having a party,

Bud's doing well in school--

Where's our house, Al?

It's a chicken restaurant
in Waukegan.

You didn't think I knew,
did you?

See, this is
really so funny.

See, this guy came over,

and asked
for Steve's Roadhouse.

Well, I thought he said
Steve Rhoades' house.

And then
one thing led to another,

and your house was gone.

Oh, look.
Marcy's coming to.

Oh, I had this awful dream.

I dreamt I was Dorothy
in The Wizard of Oz.

Peggy, you were the good witch.

Al, you were looking
for a brain.

And, Steve,

you were Don Johnson, naked.

Then a train
went through a tunnel,

and our house was gone.

Oh.

I'm feeling better now.

Did you remember
to let the plumber in?

Well, Peggy gave me
this tacky peignoir.

Did Al give you a t-shirt
to sleep in?

Steve, we're homeless.

Oh, not really, Marcy.

We've got our VCR,

our blankets,

and everything else
they could strap to their backs

and haul over here.

So except for our actual house,

we're as close to home
as you can be.

Well, I'm happy
as long as I have you.

Yeah, right.

Good night, honey.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

They're here!

They're here!

Who's here, and why?

[LOUD CHATTERING]

Guess who's pregnant?

Julie, she's
such a slut.

Oh, she's such a jerk!

Can you believe it?
I can't even imagine--

Gee, Kel,
who are the old people?

Is this
your Mom and Dad?

Oh, God, no.

No, these are just
the neighbors.

They live in
the empty lot next door.

They look dirty.

GIRLS: Ew!

[SNORING]

Who do you
think you're fooling?

I just saw you
get into bed.

Let's go, Al.

Aw, Peg, I feel uncomfortable
fooling around

with other people
in the house.

You know, Steve and Marcy,
the kids, you.

Shut up and pleasure me.

Hey, Steve and Marcy!

How you doing?

Look, Peg.
It's Steve and Marcy.

Don't you guys
have a home?

Hey, what's going on?

Your daughter

threw us out
of the living room.

We needed
a place to sleep,

so we came here.

They couldn't have waited
a minute longer?

It would have been all over

except promises

of a better performance
next time.

Don't pay any
attention to her.

I'm glad
you kids are here.

Stay as long
as you want.

Thanks, Al.

We're suing you,
you know.

Fine.

Take it all.
I've had too much for too long.

Let's just all go to sleep

so this day of a thousand deaths
can end.

[CONTENTED SIGH]
[CONTENTED SIGH]

[MUSIC BLARES]

This is horrible.

I just can't
take it anymore.

Don't worry, Marcy.

We'll get our house
back tomorrow.

It's not that.

I smell Al's feet.

Can you
believe Charlene?

What a loser.

God, I hate her.

She's so phony.

And a boring slob.

She couldn't turn a boy on
with a switch.

I know.

She's so gross.

Oh, hi, Charlene.

You look great.

You know, we were just saying

that you must have to
b*at the boys off with a stick.

My turn.

God, I hate her.

She is so annoying.

[ALL TALKING]

Good evening, ladies.

Just a little reminder.

When you get tired
of the endless drone

of girlish chatter,

step up to pleasure.

Step up to "Club Bud."

Get out of here,
you little she-male.

No, that's okay, let him stay.

I think he's cute.

You and the rest of the world,
babe.

Oh, Bud,
you drive me crazy.

Let me give you
something special.

Close your eyes.

Pucker up, baby.

Come on, baby.
Give me all you got.

Ha, ha. Very funny.

Very funny.

It's another fine example
of bimbo wit.

I'm done. Finished.
I'm going upstairs.

Oh, Bud, before you go,

can you say, "I'm drinking milk,

and one day,
I'm gonna be big and strong"?

Tee-hee, Kel.

Oh, by the way, I almost forgot.

There were a few messages
for you.

Let me see.

Oh. Dan Peterson called.

He said tomorrow night

behind the -Eleven
would be fine.

Uh, Bud,
I don't think

that anybody
wants to hear this.

Dan Peterson.
That's my boyfriend.

Oh, is he?

Gee, Kelly thinks he's hers.

Oh, well.

Let's see.

Um, Greg Barnett called too.

You have a date with him
Tuesday.

Oh, "And wear something tight."

Wait a minute.

I'm dating Greg.

Uh-oh.

Well.

Let's see.

Whose boyfriend
is Bobby Brocatto?

Mine.
Mine.

Well. You guys
have a lot to talk about.

Good night.

You're seeing
my Greg?

And Dan?

Well, I wasn't
going to keep them.

Sow.

Trollop.

Tramp.

Slut.

Bundy.

What do you think
you're doing?

It's your fault!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Yum, yum, give me some.

How can he get that smell
with only toes?

Go to sleep, Marcy.

I can't. I'm too upset.

I miss our little house.

I know,

but we'll get it back,
angel cups.

You haven't called
me angel cups

in a long time,
sugar tush.

Remember what I said

when we didn't think
we could afford a house?

We need no home.

Our love is shelter enough
against any storm.

Man, thy name is Steve.

And, love,
thy name is Marcy.

The warmth of your arms
is my hearth.

And your strong arms
are my support beams.

And your lips
are my doorways to heaven.

And your blue eyes are
the windows to my world.

And your hair--

Where are
you guys going?

We're going to sleep
in the hole, Bud.

Good night, kids.

Oh, Kelly.

Huh?

Honey, remember,
no boys.

Okay, Mom.

Good girl.

Oh, Al, it's raining.

Good. I'll sleep
with my mouth open.

Maybe I'll drown.