03x18 - Married... with Prom Queen: The Sequel (Part II)

[bunniefuu]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[g*nshots, BUGLE
PLAYING "CHARGE"]

[expl*si*n]

Ow!

Hi, honey.

I just wanted to make sure
you were still alive.

Sometimes
it's hard to tell.

There's an
easier way, Peg.

Dead men don't
wake up yelling, "No!"

Well, I just wanted
to be sure.

You know,
it would be just like you

to drop dead
in front of this TV

the day before my big night out.

God, what a lump
of sour milk my life is

that I'm actually
looking forward

to a shoe convention.

Well, I'm not.

Just another place
to remind me of my failures.

You know, work, home.

The bedroom.

You're always there
for me when I'm down,

aren't you, babe?

Oh, I'm nothing special.

Just a wife.

Mm. You claim.

Anyway, Peg, I'm just not
really looking forward

to speaking
in front of all those people.

I mean,
who started that tradition

that the man
who makes the least

has to introduce the man
who makes the most?

Honey, you ought to be proud.

I mean, no one else

has held that honor
for seven years in a row.

Why, hissing and booing you

actually seems to energize
the whole convention.

Peg, do you get
a special bonus or something

if I don't reach ?

Gee, I'm not really sure.

I should check.

But, honey, I don't what you
to ruin this convention for me.

It's my big night out.

I mean,

you have the glamour
and excitement

of the shoe store
every single day.

But I am stuck here
in this house,

eating bonbons,

watching that TV
all day long.

You owe me.

Yeah, you're right.

I guess I really just
never stop and think of you

on my gleeful journey
to the Mardi Gras,

which is my life
at the shoe shop.

How can I repay you?

Well, honey,
you can do for Mommy

that thing that great big Al

does best
for his itty-bitty wife.

Come on, honey.

Do it.

Take out the garbage.

You know, Peg,

you could just
put a straw in my ear,

and that way you could just
suck the life directly from me.

You know, I would,

but there's just
not enough room in there

for a straw
and your finger.

Oh, I love you, too,
my little "ice pick in the eye."

Guys, step back and take
a good look at your future.

Boy, when I get married,

my wife's going
to take the garbage out.

And you'll get to keep
everything you earn too.

[LAUGHS]

Anyhow, amigos,

my parents
are going out tomorrow.

So, what's the plan
for Saturday?

Amigo poker night,
amigo blackjack,

or amigo "egg the
old people" night?

Uh...

Look, Bud,
we've been trying

to figure out a way
to tell you this,

but we can't hang out with you
tomorrow night.

We got dates.

Dates?

H-h-how'd you guys
get dates?

Well, see, Bud,
you weren't there one day,

so instead of
throwing rocks at girls,

we talked to them.

Bud, it was amazing.

They didn't run away
or anything.

Yeah, so I guess we'll see you
around school or something.

Come on,
we'll still be amigos and all.

You'll just be
the dateless amigo.

[AL SCREAMS]

[CRASH]

What was that?

I don't know.

I guess my dad
fell and hurt himself.

Listen...

Now, if you guys can get dates,

I can get a date,
no problem.

Now that you guys
are finally ready,

Studly Bundy
can put out the word.

Club Bud
is now open for business.

No ID required.

Hey, yeah,
your folks are gonna be gone.

We can have
a really cool make-out party.

All right!

Amigo salute.

Ow.

We gotta get
a new salute.

Yeah.

See you guys later.

Peg,

come downstairs, quick!

Bud, get over here.

Family,

I just fell in the garbage
and had a great idea.

Oh, Al.

You're going
to study really hard,

and take the test
for garbage man.

Why to go, Dad!
You'll pass this time.

Oh, we're going
to be rich,

we're going to be rich!

Oh, shut up.

I'm not going
to be a garbage man.

But I did have a great idea
for an invention,

and it's gonna make us
so much money

that people are going
to have to like us.

[LAUGHS]

Now, I'm not going
to tell you about it right now,

but I'm going
to go down to the basement,

and I'm going to work
on my invention.

AL: Whoa!

[THUD]

AL: Who am I?

Where am I?

Oh, that's right,
I'm Al Bundy.

Oh, no. Damn!

Hello, Mrs. Yarnell.

Is the lovely Yetta at home?

Hey, babe.

This is Bud Bundy.

You might remember me

as the guy in the cafeteria
with straws up my nose.

Anyway, I was just thumbing
through my phone book,

starting with the Y's,
of course,

and good news,
I'm free tonight--

Hello?

Hello?
[DOORBELL RINGS]

Al said he had
some great news,

and I've got
a $ bottle of champagne,

and a $ bottle of wine.

Are you moving away?

No.

Alrighty.

Are you going
on a very extended vacation?

No.

Alrighty.

Well, if the news
is good enough,

I still have a Chiclet
in my pocket

we could divvy up.

Now, Steve,

Peggy may think
we don't like them.

Is Al
going to prison?

Well, I'm sure at some point.

But right now,

he's down in the basement
making an invention.

AL:
Peg, are they here?

No! No!

Yes, they are, Al.

AL: Well, sit them down
and shut them up.

Here we come.

KELLY:
Daddy, I'm dying.

It's hot under here.
I can't breathe.

Then you shouldn't be speaking.

Stay here.

Family,

honored guests...

[GASPING]

Kelly, we're not going on
until you stop choking.

[COUGHING & RETCHING]

That's better.

Now, where was I?

Ah.

Let me take you back
to yesterday.

There I was, taking out
the garbage as usual,

when I tripped, fell,

and my head landed in the trash.

Normally,
I just hang out there

with my hopes and dreams
for a while,

but not this time.

This time, a thought hit me.

How can we, as a people,
avoid this?

Put a light bulb outside?

Well, I suppose
that would work, too.

What happens
if we don't have no light bulbs?

Get a flashlight?

Well, it's obvious
that you're not going to guess,

so I'll have to show you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

let me introduce you to...

the wave of the future...

the Bundy shoe lights!

Help me.

Well, folks,
what do you think?

Let's hold the applause
till the end.

Now, I'll just turn Kelly on.

Then won't you be needing
some candy and $ ?

No, Bud, we won't.

Now, let me
just hook her up here.

Oh, Steve, is the plus
the positive or the negative?

Oh, that's all right.
We'll find out soon enough.

Now, Kelly...

[CLICK]

walk.

[CRASHING]

AL: What was that?

KELLY:
I don't know.

I can't see anything
but the floor

in these
stupid shoes.

PEGGY:
I think it was our lamp, Al.

AL: Who cares?
It's working!

It's working!

She's walking
in the dark.

It worked!
It worked!

I'm going to be
somebody after all.

[LAUGHS]

Thanks, Mom.

Was there no one else
you could marry?

Yeah. Like I could have really
seen this coming.

Ha, ha.
Shut up, Peg.

Well, what do you think
of my little invention?

Oh, God.

This is really it.

This is all
he's going to be.

This is all
he's going to have.

And I'm going
to have it with him.

Son?

It's "Bud" to you, Dad.

Is it "Bud"
to you too, Steve?

No, Al.

I believe you got to have
faith in your vision.

I had a dream
of my own once,

an idea whose time
had truly come.

Oh, God, Steve,
don't tell everyone

about your insane quest
to create a -cent coin.

Al...

I invented
the -cent coin.

Have you ever noticed
how things cost...

$ . ?

Fourteen dollars and cents?

Ninety-nine dollars
and cents?

Well, my coin would eliminate
the messy change

that only catches the attention

of those obnoxious beggars
who hassle you

on your way to your Mercedes.

Think of it, Al.

Anything you want.

You just plunk down
old number .

It's a plan without flaws.

What about tax?

You sound just like those fools
in the Treasury department.

Well, dear, maybe
if you didn't insist

on putting your picture
on the coin.

Who should it
have been, yours?

The important thing is, Al,

you gotta see your dream
through, buddy.

All they can do is laugh at you.

And audit you for
five straight years.

Now, come on, honey,

Let's go home.

Mommy will make you
some of that nice cocoa

that makes you
all warm and sleepy

for two or three days.

Yes. I believe
I'd like some nice cocoa

with the little marshmallows.

Oh, wait a second.
It's dark out.

Kelly, show them the way.

Kelly, I heard a noise.

Go see if it's a burglar.

Kelly, I don't know
if this green meat is any good.

Taste it.

Kelly, I need someone

to look like a moron
and wear shoe lights.

No wonder I seek the shelter
of a stranger's arms.

Oh, Kelly, hurry up home

because we're going to need you
to start the car.

Peg, I don't care
what anybody says.

I'm holding onto my dream
to the bitter end.

Oh. Now I really am depressed.

I thought this was
the bitter end.

Come on, babe, I'm going
to make you a millionaire.

Why, at this shoe convention
tonight,

I'm going to show the world
who the real idiot is.

Bundy cheer.

Whoa, Bundy!

Nobody whoa'd.

That's okay. That's fine,

but when those millions
start rolling in,

I'm going to be the one
at Burger King,

sucking down the Whoppers
at my own private table.

You'll wish you'd whoa'd then.

Peg, I got to get dressed.

Come on,
I got to look great tonight.

All right, honey.
Let's go to the closet,

and get the suit
your father was buried in.

Kel, I've got a problem.

I need a date for tonight, bad.

So how about setting me up
with some of your friends?

You know, the tramp squad.

Bud, look at yourself.

Face the ugly truth.

They don't have
woods deep enough

to grow the kind of girls
who'd be willing to date you.

I mean,
maybe you're aiming too high.

You know, a live girl.

See, your problem is
you've got caviar taste

and a pizza face.

Aim a little lower.

Hey, logs can't run away.

Well, then, there's the dead.

I mean,
one who's been dead long enough

might even think
that you're a good catch.

Hey, I know.

How about a nice
department-store mannequin?

I mean, they're used to being
undressed by sexless boys.

Thanks for the help,
bleached-blanket bimbo.

They may call me bimbo,

but at least they call me.

Well, I'll tell you this:
I'll get a date, a real one.

Mannequin.

The day I stoop low enough
to date a mannequin

is the day
I truly earn the name...

Bundy.

Yeah, I know.

Pretty low, huh?

Okay, watch me hit rock bottom.

Well, now
for the finishing touch,

a little love bite
from my woman.

[WHIRRING]

Ow!

Ooh.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, here we go.

[SLOW, ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING
OVER STEREO]

Hey. Hey, guys.

What's up?

Whoa, Bud.

What?

Couldn't you wait for us?

I could.

My babe couldn't.

AL:
Good evening, fellow shoe men.

You all know me.

[BOOING & HISSING]

MAN: Sit down, Bundy.
MAN : Go home, you stink!

AL:
Yeah, I love you, too.

All right, ladies and gentlemen,
the unveiling of Bundy...

A man and his shoe lights.

Kelly, don't step
in the coin fountain!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

KELLY:
Help! Help!

AL:
It's just a little fire, folks.
Don't panic!

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

AL:
Shoe lights!

Get your shoe lights!

Fire sale!

[SOBS]
Oh, God!

[ROMANTIC MUSIC STILL PLAYING]

Oh, Monique.

[EFFEMINATELY]
Oh, Bud.

Gee, you know, I never
really noticed before,

but Bud's kind of cute.

I know.

I think I've seen
Monique before.

Wow, she's hot.

You know,
I almost bought that same dress.

I saw it in a store window.

Anyway,
I wish Bud would ask me out.

Look at Bud the Stud.

Hey, girls, come on back.
It's safe.

It's just a trick
I did with my armpit.

Wow. Bud got a real woman,

and all we got
is dead wood.

BOY:
You know,

that girl with Bud
was checking me out.

BOY :
Yeah, right,
a girl like that.

Uh, well, guys,
I guess you're on your own.

Monique wants to go upstairs.

Later, gators.

GIRL:
Why can't guys be like Bud?

GIRL :
Let's face it,
we're with boys.

Bud is a man.

He knows how
to treat a lady.

So you want a date, huh?

Gee, I don't know.

I'm booked through June.

Maybe I could squeeze you in...
say, tomorrow?

Ciao,baby.

All right, the shoe lights
didn't work.

But when I stepped in
that mess in the yard,

I got another
great idea.

"Shoeper-scoopers."

We'll have Kelly follow
some people with dogs,

and we'll
be rolling in it.

Wipe your feet
and shut up.

Come on in here,
Kelly.

You're letting all
the heat out of the house.

I will not...

wear shoeper-scoopers.

[ZAP]
Ow!

[ZAP]

Aw, that's
the electrocution talking.

That's not
my little girl.

Well, my night was hell.

I was a Roman candle.

How was yours?

[ZAP]

Not bad.

She was a little stiff at first,
but, uh...

she loosened up.