03x19 - The Dateless Amigo

[bunniefuu]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[DOG BARKS
OVER TELEVISION]

BOY: What is it, Rinty?

You say the bad men

are coming from the southeast
by boat,

and they're armed with knives?

[DOG BARKS]

They're armed with g*ns,
and they're foreigners.

Good boy.

Thanks to you,
the village will be saved.

[DOG BARKS]

Aw. We love you too, boy.

[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[SHUTS TV OFF]

You know,
I just realized

that we've got
someone in this house

that eats,
lies around all day,

and does
absolutely nothing.

Aw, Buck is cute.

I was talking
about you, Peg.

But the dog's
pretty useless too.

You know, something else
just dawned on me.

That people can shower
during the week?

No, love of my life.

No, that there's no one
in this damn house

does anything for me.

Now, I'm the breadwinner.

I deserve better treatment.

Like, hey, I know.

The next time
I come home from work,

I want someone
to bring me my slippers.

The question is who.

Actually, when it comes
to your slippers,

the question is how...

As in how can a man
make his slippers

smell even worse
than his feet?

Hey, I sweat the sweat
of the dead, Peg.

Anyhow, getting back

to who's going to bring me
my slippers, you...

Well, I think
you're untrainable.

The kids don't care
if I live or die,

so...I guess that leaves Buck.

Maybe everybody can learn
from him.

Well, that is how
we toilet-trained the kids.

Of course, Bud was

before he stopped
getting excited

every time he saw a tree.

[BOTH LAUGH]

But that's what teachers
in kindergarten are for.

Now, Buck,

you just saw Rin Tin Tin
save an entire nation.

Pretty inspiring, wasn't it?

The least you can do

is lift your head
and look at me,

you shiftless, lazy--

I can't believe it.

You must be the laziest dog--

Where does he learn this from?

Peg, get up.

Is dinner ready?

Buck, you're gonna learn
to get Daddy's slippers.

Now, I'm gonna pretend
that I just got home from work.

Oh, boy, I'm b*at.

Just an average day.

Kelly failed another test.

Bud's dealing three-card monte
at the old folks' home.

Mommy's in Oprah coma.

Daddy earned a cool cents
slaving in the shoe mines.

Oh, boy, am I tired.

My tootsies are k*lling me.

Boy, would I like to have
some slippers

to go on my feet.

Al, forget about the dog.

So you said you made cents?

Oh, God.

Peg, I'm not giving up.

See the problem is

Buck doesn't know
my slippers,

so I'm going to
show them to him

and then give him
the scent.

Honey...

the whole neighborhood
knows the smell of your feet.

Remember that incident

with the burning Air Wick
on the front lawn?

Go ahead, yuk it up, Peg,

but as soon as Buck learns
how to make Tang,

you're on the first bus.

Dad...

why is Buck
rubbing his nose

back and forth
on the ground?

It's a sign of pride
in male dogs.

How was school today, Bud?

Not that I care.

I'm glad
that you asked that, Dad,

because I'm not being
all I can be.

Now, you know what
we need in this house?

Poison gas
coming through the vents?

He only thinks
of himself.

What do we need, dear?

A computer.

Okay.

Al, write him
a check.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Hey, even better,
you know,

go to the vault
where we keep the gold bars

and chip off what you need.

If anybody wants me,
I'll be at the country club.

They're having
the big Al Bundy Golf Classic.

I'm hole nine.

Come on, Al.

Don't you want Bud

to have all the things
you never had?

You know, an education,
a good job,

a happy wife?

You can't tell me that seeing
me up to my armpits in misery

doesn't make you happy.

Now, we're not
getting a computer.

Computers are ruining
the country.

Computers and women.

Yes, and they're
quite similar, Al,

because you don't know
how to turn on either one.

I'm not interested
in either one.

Mom, can I have
a computer?

Of course
you can, dear.

What color
would you like?

I must be dead.

I speak.
No one hears me.

Al, we have to get Bud
a computer.

He has a chance to be
the first Bundy ever

to go to college.

My Uncle Edwin went to college.

He was a cadaver
for the pre-med students.

and what about Kelly?

She could use one.

You know, she might wanna
go to college, you know?

Oh, God.

Remedial reading
test tomorrow.

I mean, what do I care

if Jack and Jill
fell down a hall?

I mean, why were they
even in the building?

Kelly, we're getting
a computer.

Oh, cool.
What color?

Well, I was
thinking blue.

You know,
we really need one too.

What do they do?

Al, do you know

your dog is burying himself
in your backyard?

Well, I hope

it's not the spot
by the hose,

because that
little plot's for me.

Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades,
we're getting a computer.

Oh, Steve, a computer.

I remember
our first computer.

To buy it, we each decided
to give up something,

to sacrifice,

so that we could have
our little computer.

Steve gave up
getting a new car

for another year, and I--

I gave up my class
on napkin-folding.

Steve just let me.

Now he's got
a new Mercedes,

and I'll never know
how to make a napkin hat.

Thanks, Steve.

But I'm working
that out in therapy.

Meantime, you're
getting a computer?

We don't need a computer

And I'll tell you
what would happen

if we got one.

Just like
when we had the kids,

everybody oohs and ahs
the first couple of days.

Then after
the novelty wears off,

it just sits there,
collects dust,

and cries for food.

No, I'm telling you,
nobody needs kids.

No. I mean,
a computer.

I used to be like you, Al.

Well, not just like you.

I mean, I cared about
personal hygiene and...

had change for a dollar...

but I too
doubted the computer.

No longer, Al.

The computer
can be your friend...

especially
on those long nights

when your wife
isn't talking to you

because you can't
fold a stinkin' napkin.

Well, I need something
on those long nights

when my wife
is talking to me.

Much like a family,
what will a computer do for me?

It can do all sorts of things,

like keeping up
with sports scores.

Newspaper.

Social events.

TV Guide.

Organizing recipes.

Don't eat.

Doctors' appointments.

Don't care.

Maybe we're talking
to the wrong person.

Peggy, a computer can be

the most wonderful thing
in the world.

I'm sold.

No, really--

I don't care.
I'm sold.

Let's get one.

Hey...

Hey, I make the decisions
around here...

BUD: I want
a laser printer.

And I'm telling you

that there will not be
any computers in this--

And I want my dinner.

And my slippers.

Because I'm the boss here,
damn it!

At least there's one place
that I'm still the king.

Boy, what a hard day at work
I had today.

My feet are k*lling me.

Wish I had some nice slippers
to put them in.

Well, it's not quite it, Buck,

but try to remember this
for when we go to the beach.

Okay, I don't think
I'm explaining it to you right.

Come on up here on the couch.

Good boy. Stay.

I'm gonna go over here
and show you how it's done.

You stay there and be me.

I'll show you
what a real dog's like.

Oh, look, my master's home.

Curse the luck that brought him
to that foul woman.

I'll bet he'd be
much more comfortable

with his slippers.

I'll go get them for him.

See?

See?

Huh?

Um, Mom...

is this truly the end?

Because if it is,
I'm not walking him.

Don't worry, honey.

If Daddy the dog
is anything like Daddy the man,

he'll just put a newspaper
under his paw

and lock himself in a tree
for an hour.

Dad, wait till you see
what we got.

Al, you're
gonna be proud

of what I did.

I saved you $ .

Thanks, Steve.

Yep, they wouldn't
give you anything off

on the $ model,

so I said,
"No way, Jos\

I am not leaving here
without a discount."

So I got them

to give you
a $ rebate

on this $ model.

Peg, you spent $ ?

No. I spent $ ,

because with the $
we saved you,

I bought this dress.

So, actually,
this dress was free.

And you got
a $ rebate.

Yeah, I guess that's what
my horoscope meant

when it said, "Kaboom."

Al, what you're overlooking

is all the things
this model can do.

This...is a muscle machine.

It's fully loaded.

It has a -baud modem,

a VGA, high-resolution
color monitor,

a -megabyte hard disk,

and seven megabytes of RAM.

Steve, it's the you
of computers.

You ain't just
whistling IBM, baby.

Welcome to
Tomorrowland, Al.

Where would you
like it?

Put it over here

In "It's a Broke World
After All."

Oh, Al...

Just because
we're flat broke

doesn't mean

we have to live
like animals.

Now, this machine

is gonna wind up
saving us money

in the long run.

How? Does it emit powerful
life-draining radiation?

Well, I don't know.

I don't even know
how to use it.

I don't even know
why we need it.

I just know I want it.

You know, like when
we had the kids.

Let's set it up.

Hey, we can put it on the desk

where Daddy thinks
he's hiding money from us.

Oh, no, let's put it
on the coffee table.

Oh, we'd better
dust it off, though.

We'll need something
to wipe it with.

Bud, go get
Daddy's good sweater.

You know,

the one that his mother
knitted for him.

You're going to dust
for the computer?

When was the last time
you dusted for me

or cooked for me or listened
to one word I said?

Al, don't just
sit there silently.

Say something
about the computer.

Is my family lost to me?

Am I the forgotten Marx Brother?

Am I Zeppo Bundy?

Finally, someone who knows

who the real master
of this house is.

Oh.

COMPUTER [MALE VOICE]:
Hello, Al.

I cost you a lot
of money, didn't I,

and nobody's touched me,
have they?

Well, looks like
you were right again.

Just like you were
about your marriage,

your kids, and your job.

[LAUGHS]

Come on, smile for me, Al.

I'm not so bad.

Every family
needs a computer.

[LAUGHS]

Dad, I've got
this book report due in...

Oh, God,
what do you call it,

the subject
with the words?

English?

Yeah.

So I've got this book report
for tomorrow on Moby d*ck,

and I've been, like,
reading it for an hour

and I got stumped
on something.

Could you help me?
What?

Call who Ishmael?

Ah, me.

Kelly, look, we've got
a million-dollar computer

sitting over here,

why don't you do
your report on it?

I tried.

I turned it on,
and I typed in "Ishmael."

Do you know
what it said to me, Dad?

"Ishmael."

It even spelled it wrong,
and then it just sat there.

What am I gonna do?

Kelly, Daddy's a ticking
time b*mb right now.

Ask your brother.

Hey, there, lonely boy.

I've got
this book report.

Do you know
who Ishmael is?

Moby d*ck?

Yeah, you know it?

The classic whaling tale
by Herman Melville.

I know just about everything
there is.

What do you need to know?

What happens?

Let's see.

Ishmael and the whale
were actually good friends...

and the whale would talk.

Oh, cool!

Yep.

The whale would call him Wilbur.

He called Ishmael, Wilbur?

Exactly...

Computer
didn't know that.

And they sang
this classic whaling song.

[TO THE TUNE OF "MR. ED"]
* A whale is a whale
Of course, of course *

* And no one's talked to a whale
Of course *

* Unless, of course
The whale, of course *

* Is the fabulous Mr. d*ck **

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You're going too fast.
You're going too fast.

Oh, this is so good.

And I bet the whale

wouldn't talk to anyone
but Wilbur, huh?

You hear that, Dad?

Make those
college reservations now

because this girl
is going places.

Ah.

Bud, I hope you realize
when she grows up,

it's your responsibility
to take care of her.

Because when she's ,

high school student or not,
she's outta here.

Don't worry, Dad.

Bud, hey,

don't you want to play

with the computer
or something?

Why would I wanna use
the computer

when I got a blank screen
like Kelly upstairs?

Al.

Al?

What?

You don't look
comfortable, Al.

Why don't you
get the dog

to bring you
your slippers?

Buck.

Buck.

Boy, my tootsies are tired.

Buck.

Buck--

The damn dog is untrainable.

Good boy, Buck.

Take it upstairs.

Good boy!

Close the door behind you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

He's a wonder dog.

Now, Peg, we've had
this computer for--

I know what
you're gonna say,

that it's just
a waste of money,

but I'm gonna use it
right now.

Oh, Al.

It sets off
the whole computer.

Okay, before I embark
on our -month,

-percent interest,
easy-payment plan,

you think you could

just turn
the damn thing on.

Well, I don't know how.

Well, where's
the instructions?

Well, I told the kids
pick them up off the floor.

They didn't,

so to punish them,
I threw them away.

Peg.

I'm going to
say this simply,

so we both
can understand.

Now, this computer
cost me a fortune.

Now, I don't plan

to watch our money
go down the drain

like I did with the stove
and the refrigerator

and our marriage certificate.

Now, as I slowly sink
into bankruptcy,

I want to have a memory,

so I want you
to do something,

anything, with that computer.

[PRINTING, BEEPING]

There. You happy, Al?

Yeah. Couldn't be happier.

He doesn't mean it.

A wife knows.

I may as well face it.

I didn't marry
a happy man.

Yes, you did, Peg.

You just turned him into me.

He sells shoes,
he's flat-broke,

and it's me
that he's mad at.

Well, that's it.

I'm not spending
any more money

on Al's computer.

Let's go buy
something for me.

I'll be right back.

I'm just going to get
the kids' piggy banks.

Uh, Marcie.

We've been living
next door to each other

how long now?

Nine hundred and
thirty-seven days.

Yeah, well, anyhow,

I just thought, you know,
it's been a long time

since I did
something nice for you,

so how about this?

Buy this computer off me.

Get it the hell out of my house.

It's real nice.

It's got RAMs and bytes,
and it's got a hat rack.

$ , worth of stuff
sitting there.

Make me an offer.

Thirty dollars.

Thirty dollars.

I didn't say for my life,
I said for the computer.

It's only a week old
and it's never been touched.

Well, Al, to be honest,

it's slow,
it's underpowered,

it's obsolete.

Let's face it.

It's the you
of computers.

Personally,

I wouldn't fertilize
a farm with it.

Okay, I'm ready to go.

I don't know how much I can buy,

but we can sure
park till we drop.

You know what
this computer needs?

Another hat.

[MARCIE & PEG LAUGH]

Al.

Al?

Leave me alone!

Okay, I'll just sit here

and run
your electricity bill

through the roof.

* Dum-dee-dum **

That's about a quarter.

* Doo-dee-doody-doo **

cents.

Whoa! Ho, that's
a power surge.

That's a buck.

Felt good, though.

Aw, come on, Al.

It's not just you.

Me and my kind

are really of no use
to a regular family.

I'm the pet rock
of the ' s, buddy.

[CHUCKLES]

Aw, come back, Al.

I really can do great things.

Listen,

why did the shoe salesman
buy a computer?

Give up?

Because he's married to
an idiot.

[LAUGHS]

Al.

What are you doing?

Peggy?

Kids?!

What am I worried about?

No one's stupid enough

to break a $ --

Now...

Let's talk about
those slippers.

* Dum-dee-dum-dee
Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum *

* Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum **

[SIGHS]

Now...I am truly king.