04x02 - Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics

[bunniefuu]

And one, and two,
and three, and four.

And one, and two,
and three, and four.

And one, and two,
and three, and four.

And rest.

[SIGHS]

Okay, ladies. Let's take
a break while I mix up
a Jim Jupiter spirulina

and wheat-grass shake.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Look
at that sweat

glistening off
Jim Jupiter's arms.

Come on, baby,

mama wants
a salt lick.

I wouldn't mind

being the first
woman on Jupiter.

Not that Steve
is anything to laugh at.

You know,

it does seem odd,
doesn't it?

I mean, Al and Steve
look nothing like Jim,

yet they're all lumped
together as "men."

Well, let's not
be hasty.

Men like Jim Jupiter
may not be

all they're
cracked up to be.

Take away his biceps,
triceps, quadriceps

washboard stomach,
and what have you got?

Whoa!

Whoa! No more tacos
at lunch for me.

Peg,

could you wring
this shirt out?

I gotta
wear it tomorrow.

Is there
any food?

There's a six-pack
in the fridge.

I kinda like something
to wash it down with.

Why don't you pop
this chicken in the oven?

Oh! Ha-ha!

Excuse me, Marce.
That's an honest mistake.

Squish away
from me.

I've known him
for four years,

and I've never
seen him dry.

You've never
had sex with him.

Oh, look,

Jim's greased up
and ready.

Who's the sissy mary?

That's
Jim Jupiter,

the healthiest
man in Chicago.

Oh, yeah? Does he have
g*ns like these?

Put your arms
down, Al.

You're k*lling
the plants.

Oh, Jim's
speaking.

Okay, ladies. You know
what it's time to do now.

Dash off
to a Judy Garland concert?

Shh! Shh!

It's time
to announce the winner

of the free
Jim Jupiter workout.

Yup. Jim is gonna spend
two whole, healthy weeks

with some lucky woman.

Me, me, me!
Me, me, me, me!

Now, what lucky lady
will get to spend two weeks
with Jim Jupiter,

the healthiest man in Chicago?

And the winner is...

Miss Peggy Bundy!

Ah, ha-ha-ha!

Ah ha-ha-ha!

I can't believe it!

I can't believe it!

Marcie, I get to watch
Jim Jupiter

do squat thrusts
for two whole weeks
in my house.

Can you believe it?

Oh, so what?

Who needs him?

I already have a real man
at my house.

STEVE:
* A wandering minstrel, I *

* A thing of threads
And patches *

What do ya think, Marce?

Wanna go see
Mikado tonight?

* For he's going to marry
Yum-yum, yum-yum *

Oh, please,
let me watch Jim squat.

Just once. Please?

Well, okay.
But don't touch.

Now, I've got to buy
a new leotard.

I wanna
look great for Jim.

Forget it. He's not coming.

No, ma'am. No chance.

No way, no how.

Peg, I'm sorry,

but this time
I just have to say--

I have spoken.

Wanna see
Mikado tonight?

Who's he fighting?

I can't
believe it!

I get to watch Jim Jupiter
flex and ripple

in the privacy of my own home.

Mom, do I really have to
share a room with Kelly

while that exercise
guy is here?

I'll be up all night
with all those guys babbling,

"Hurry up. I gotta
get back to the ship."

Now, kids,

will you just forget about
your empty little lives

and think
about mine?

Jim Jupiter will
be here any minute.

How do I look?

Hot.

Desperate.

Good. I didn't wanna send
any mixed signals.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, he's here!

He's here!

Okay, now, everybody
behave normally

and don't say
anything stupid.

Come to Mama.

I know, I know.

I'm Jim Jupiter,
the healthiest man in Chicago.

Hi, I'm Bud Bundy,

the studliest man
on Earth.

I'm Kelly Bundy.

It's a pleasure
to meet you, Jim.

He's mine.

Hi!

I'm Peggy Bundy.

Don't let the wedding ring
fool you.

It means
nothing to me.

Jim...

Uh, Bud Bundy.

We met
a moment ago.

I have a question
for ya.

How do I gain
upper body strength?

Wear arm weights
on your arms

when you squeeze
your pimples?

Stuff a bra!

Pick a nose!

Now, kids,
Jim just got here,

and I'm sure he'd
like to strip down.

Oh--
ha-ha.

I mean, sit down
and relax.

So go away.
Dinner's in two weeks.

Oopsie.

Uh-uh. The correct way
to pick something up,

is to bend
from the knees.

What a shame.

A body like that
and not a brain in his head.

Okay, Jim.

Bend me, shape me,
any way you want me.

Well, you've got a good, healthy
attitude about exercise.

I guess we could start
with some warm-ups.

Get down
on all fours.

Woof.

Hi, Peg.

How was
your day?

Looking up.

Uh, Al, meet Jim.

I'm Jim Jupiter,
the healthiest man in Chicago.

Then you should
heal quick

when I pull your spine
through your mouth.

Now, now, now,
boys.

No need to fight.

We're all adults here.

And I think we can come
to an understanding.

But I'm warning you,
if the two of you

can't come
to an understanding,

I'm afraid you'll just
have to leave, Al.

Peg, can I see you
over here for a minute?

Sure, honey.

Peg, as you know
I am the man,

and a man's home
is his coffin.

Don't you understand?

I just want what
every married woman wants:

someone besides her
husband to live with.

I mean, what do you think
I'm going to do with him?

Lick him up and down?

Nuzzle my head against
his rippling, heaving chest?

Plant little angel kisses
all over his glistening--

Okay, so it's innocent.

But I still don't see
what you need him for.

You wanna bend? Dust.

You wanna reach?
Sweep.

You want sex?
Just let me know

when you're finished,
I'll come home.

Now, Peg, I'm only
gonna say this one time.

I want him outta here,

I want you
in the kitchen,

and I want
my supper now.

Okay, Jim.

Al's going out
to dinner.

Instead of going out
to dinner, Mr. Bundy,

why don't you stay here
and work out with us?

I mean, what's the point
of having a beautiful,
sexy, young wife

if you're just gonna
look like that?

Listen, Jim-bellina.

Don't let these slits
on my wrists fool you.

I'm in great shape.
I was an athlete in high school.

So was I.
I was a gymnast.

A gymnast isn't an athlete.

A gymnast is...
like, like a girl.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm just here to borrow
some spirulina.

Ah! Jim Jupiter!

Honey, it's Jim Jupiter.
What a surprise.

Gee, I'll bet
he came in
that van outside

that says,
"Jim Jupiter."

Shut up.

Hi, I'm Marcie.

This is my husband,
Scrawny.

I mean, Steve.

Hi,
I'm Jim Jupiter.

Nice to meet you,
Steve.

Nice, firm handshake.

Yeah, well, I played a little
sousaphone in high school.

Were you two
getting ready to exercise?

I hate to interrupt.

Well, actually,
Jim and I were--

Good, good, good.
Well, I'm all warmed up.

Let's get down on the floor
and get pumped.

You believe these two
want this guy?

Ya know what he did
in high school?

He was a gymnast.

[LAUGHS]

Ah, football
and the band.

That's where the men were
in our day, right, buddy?

Let's say we go get us
a pizza, Steve.

Yeah. Let's eat
till we vomit.

You know,
like men.

* For we're going to eat
Yum-yum, yum-yum *

Let's begin with
some in-place runs.

You know, to burn off
the tension.

You know, you got
a lotta nerve.

Did I come over
to your house

when you won the
Woman In Banking award?

Yes, you did.

And you stole
a whole chicken.

Yeah, but at least
I didn't wiggle
my butt in front of it

when I did it.

Follow me, ladies.

You know, Marcie,
you're right.

There is plenty of Jim
to go around.

Let's not forget
we're friends. Agreed?

Agreed.

[LAUGHS]

And three, and four,
and rest.

[SIGHS]

What happened
to Marcie?

Oh,
she lost interest.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

MARCIE:
Lemme in, you swine!

Okay, Jim. I'm b*at.

I'm just gonna
sit over here

while you flex me
off to sleep.

That's not quite
how it works, Mrs. Bundy.

Uh, just how
does it work, Jim?

JIM:
And one, and two,
and three, and four,

and five, and six,
and seven, and eight...

twelve, ,
, , ...

Forty-five,
, , , ...

fifty-seven, , ,
, , , , ,

sixty-five, , ...

[WHINING]

And and
and and .

Okay.

I think
you're warmed up.

Let's get started.

Bonbon.

No bonbons.

Okay, Jim.

Let's clear up
a few misconceptions.

There are two things
Peggy Bundy doesn't do.

Number one:

Cook, clean, sew, vacuum,
iron, and parent.

And number two:

Exercise.

Well, Jim Jupiter
loves a challenge.

Bonbon.

I'm here to change
your whole life, Peggy Bundy.

Bonbon!

Mrs. Bundy,
you're a strong woman.

But I'm the healthiest man
in Chicago.

I can see this week
is gonna be a test of wills.

Bonbon.

I like strawberry the best,
don't you?

Actually,
the mocha are--
Shh!

Oprah's on!

Oh.

Peggy,
you look fabulous.

That time with Jim
really paid off.

Do you feel
better?

Oh,
I certainly do.

And Jim says as long as
I stick with my program,

I'll live a long
and happy life.

Oh, he's on.

ANNOUNCER:
And now, ladies,
live from Chicago,

the Jim Jupiter show!

Hi, ladies.
I'm Jim Jupiter...

the healthiest man
in Chicago.

Now,
let's get that exercise thing

over with, shall we?

[COUGHS]

And one...

He's put on some weight,
hasn't he?

Oh,
he's just pumped.

In his chin?

[COUGHING]

Oh, no!

He-- he's dead!

My boyfriend's dead!

Your boyfriend?
He's my boyfriend!

No. Mine.

Mine!

Mine!
He's mine!

Oh, my hair!
You tramp!

I can't
believe it.

He looked so healthy
when he was here.

What could have
happened to him?

"Blood-sugar level enough
to k*ll three horses,

cholesterol-level high enough
to dam the mighty Mississippi."

That's writing!

Oh, it's my
fault, Al.

I did it.

I k*lled the healthiest man
in Chicago.

Well, you've been
k*lling me

and you don't
seem to care.

Yeah,
you're different.

You've been as good
as dead for years.

But what about
our children?

I mean, is our lifestyle
k*lling them?

Do we care enough
about our kids?

Are we concerned
enough, as parents?

Where are the kids?

How would I know?

Burgers here.

Who had
the wet and greasy?

No more burgers
for this family.

How do we get our
vitamins and rocks?

That-- that's
minerals, Kel.

Yeah.

Don't you get it?

Did Jim Jupiter die in vain?

Well, Jim taught me
that enjoying your food

only leads to death.

And I will not be responsible
for the death

or enjoyment of any member
of this family.

So, for once, we Bundys
will learn from our mistakes.

Bud, you will not
be a shoe salesman.

And from now on,

we're going to start
eating right.

You mean
with forks?

I am trying to show
love for this family.

So either shut up or get out.

Get back here!

All right, now.

I will make the first sacrifice.

My bonbons.

[DOG HOWLS]

Sorry, Buck!

And now, we eat dinner.

Nice life.

Mom kills some guy
and we have to suffer.

Yeah. Why didn't we have
to use forks

when Aunt Pearlie
k*lled Uncle Dave?

Well, that was
just an accident.

The ice pick flew
out of her hand.

Thirteen times?

Daddy, if I eat
any more wheat "gurm,"

I'm gonna lose my mind.

Dad, you think
you're the boss.
Do something.

No can do, Bud.

See, your mother's
never actually

physically k*lled
a man before.

So I'm afraid we're gonna have
to bear with her for a few days.

Okay, family.

Home cooking!

What is it tonight, Mom?
Bee spit?

Sunflower paste.

Mmm. I'm gonna spread mine
on Styrofoam.

That's a rice cake,
Bud.

Now, isn't
this delicious?

I'm so glad
we're eating healthy.

We're cleansing
ourselves,

and I do--
I feel ten years younger.

[SOBBING]

I wanna live,
but not like this!

Come on, everybody.
Family meeting.

Now, Peg,

I know you think
you're responsible
for k*lling Jim,

and yet you have no guilt
of squashing the life out of me,

but that's
another meeting.

Anyway, what
I'm trying to say is,

you didn't k*ll Jim.

Good health
k*lled Jim.

See, he purified his
body so completely,

that when finally
called upon to do so,

he couldn't handle
the grease, and sugar

and toxic waste
that we call food.

He rendered himself
extinct.

See, healthy people
are like dinosaurs.

They're not fit
to survive.

Jim's body
couldn't handle

the burgers,
and bonbons,

and pastry suckings
like real Americans.

You see, Peg,
we are the truly strong.

You really
think so, Al?

Absolutely.

See that cockroach
over there?

That one?

No, that one.

Well, any one
of them.

You don't see them carrying
off a can of wheat germ, do you?

"Gurm," Dad.

Thank you,
pumpkin.

So, Peg, let's all
follow the example

of our friend,
the cockroach.

They were here
before man.

They'll
be here after man.

You know why?

They eat crap.

And I say, "Anything that's
good enough for the cockroach

is good enough
for my family."

Hey! Oh, Dad!

Oh, Al,

you really do care.

Darn right I do.

I don't know
about the rest of you,

but I'm hungry enough
to block a colon.

Grease burgers for
everyone, on Dad!

[CHEERING]

Grease! Grease!

Let's get
lots of mayonnaise.