04x07 - Desperately Seeking Miss October

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Married... With Children". Aired: April 5, 1987 – June 9, 1997.*
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Follows Al Bundy, a once-glorious high school football player turned women's shoe salesman; his lazy wife, Peggy; their beautiful, dumb and popular daughter, Kelly; and their smart, horny and unpopular son, Bud.
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04x07 - Desperately Seeking Miss October

Post by bunniefuu »

Wake up!

Honey.

Honey, it's time
to go to school.

Kelly Bundy!

I wasn't copying
off his paper! I swear!

Oh. Hi, Mom.

It's time
for school.

Oh, well, I can't
go to school yet.

I've got this Current Events
report due today

and I'm waiting for Bud
to bring me a newspaper.

Here it is, Kel.

Hot off
a bum's face.

The National
Investigator?

Yeah, well,
everybody's gonna be
using actual newspapers,

and I decided
our Kelly should go
the tabloid route.

Now, Kelly,

which one of these
interests you?

Let's see.

"Psychic predicts
that someone will watch
GarryShandling."

Or, "Spuds McKenzie just says
no to Justine Bateman."

Oh, I'll take
that one.

At least someone's
heard of Spuds McKenzie.

Hey, look at this.

"New Jersey housewife wins
$ . million lottery."

Huh. And she won it
after rubbing the belly

of her good luck
charm...Tubro,

the fat, Panamanian
god of money.

Hmm.

I need something
lucky to rub.

How about Kelly?

Every guy
that rubs her
gets lucky.

Oh, grow a face.

And let me do
my homework in peace.

"Sp-uds Mc..."

Will you look
at this?

My little girl
is reading.

Daddy, you made me
lose my place.

Now I have to start
all over again.

"Sp-uds..."

Look at her go.

One Bundy woman
is reaching for
the stars this morning.

Let's go
for two.

Peg, make
my breakfast.

cr*ck an egg
for Daddy.

Where would I get an egg
at this time of day?

Ha-ha. You are
such an idiot.

By the way...

Al, honey, I want
to win the lottery.

So could I have $
so I can buy Tubro,

the fat Panamanian
god of money?

Peg, you know what $
can mean to this family?

It means food,
it means shelter.

It means college
for the children.

What's this word?

A.

Oh...just like
the letter.

[TOILET
FLUSHES]

Thanks for watching
the store for me, guys.

Hey, Al.

I got off work
a little early today.

Whatcha doing?

Ah, just trying to k*ll
another years

so Willard Scott can say
hi to me on TV.

You know, Al, your problem
is you don't take time

to appreciate
the finer things in life.

Come with me to a museum,
a symphony, an opera.

You are never too old

to experience--
Hooter alert!

Oh, miss...here,
let me help you.

Come over here
and sit down.

I'll get you some uh...
What do I sell here?

Shoes.
Yeah, shoes.

Would you like one?

Ah, let me
handle this, Al.

How about something...
in a man

who'll give you
everything he owns?

Oh, I already have
a pair of those.

What I need right now
is a pair of stiletto heels,

black, size .

I'm not leaving.

I'm not either.

Okay.

We'll both
go get them.

One...

Two...

Uh-ha. Hah.

STEVE:
Give me that!

AL:
I'll take that!

STEVE:
Let me out there!

AL:
Give me room here!

Give me room!

Ha.

After you, Steve.

Ah.

Oh, Steve. Let me
help you up.

I got them
for you.

And I helped.

Ah-huh.

Ah.

There you are.

Do you mind if
I walk in them?

Well, I prefer
you dance in them,
but it's not mandatory.

You're so cute.

[LAUGHING]

Steve, I know
I've seen her before.

I just can't
place where.

That's it!

Steve,
she's a Playmate.

From Playboy magazine.
Miss October, .

Can't be.

Steve, I may not know
the color of my wife's eyes.

I don't know my
children's birthday.

But I know--

I know that's Brandi Brandt.
Born .

Teeny, teeny birthmark
around bend of left knee.

Favorite movie,
The Big Bus.

Watch this.
I'll prove it to you.

Uh, miss.
Excuse me.

Aren't you Brandi Brandt,
Miss October, ?

Why, yes.

[GIGGLING]

I've always admired
your work.

Yeah, it is
a lot of work.

You know that sh*t of me
leaning up against the truck

alone took five hours.

Oh, I know how
you feel.

Oh, when I was ,

our class had
our picture taken
on a fire truck.

It was really big,
and they let me
ring the bell.

But when they took
the picture, my back
was turned,

so you couldn't
tell it was me.

But they made me
buy one anyway.

Can I sit
on your lap?

I love the shoes.
How much?

Oh, well,
they're on the house.

After all, you made it
possible for Steve and I

to have sex
with our wives.

You really have

Brandi's issue
of Playboy?

I've got 'em all,
Steve.

I've been collecting
Playboys my whole life.

My dad got me started
on the hobby.

It was my th
birthday.

We watched Mom Singapore
Sling herself into oblivion.

Then we went down
in the basement.

There, behind the toolbox,
was Dad's stash.

Oh, the breasts
we saw that night.

And when Dad d*ed,
he gave them all to me.

I'll be right back.

Now, you stay here.
Look cool.

Hoo, we're gonna
see Brandi.

We're gonna
see Brandi.

They're gone,
Steve.

My Playboys.

My stable. My women.
My life.

What could have
happened to them?

Oh, hi, Al.

Look, honey.

I got a Tubro
of my very own.

Oh, happy day.

Uh, Peg, you mind
if I cut in for a second?

Peg, where did you
get the money to buy
old Tubro?

I sold your Playboys.

Oh. Did you want them?

Al...you haven't said
anything for two hours.

How about
a little smile?

Oh, honey...what's
the big deal?

How was I supposed to know
you wanted them?

They were just in a box
in the basement,

in chronological order,
individually wrapped.

What am I,
a mind reader?

Oh, come on, Al.

Rub Tubro. It'll make
you feel better.

Al! Get your grubby
paws off of him.

Don't you know what
he can mean
to this family?

Money, prosperity,
happiness.

Oh, Tubro. You can be
the man of the house.

Peg, Tubro will never be
the man of the house

because
Tubro can't cry.

Peg, how could you sell
the family Playboys?

Al, you are making
a big thing

out of something
that means nothing
to anyone but you.

Why is it always
my stuff?

Don't the kids
have anything

you can get cents
on the dollar for?

[DOORBELL
RINGS]

Oh...

I cannot steal
from my children.

They lock their rooms.

Al Bundy.

You, sir,
are maggot bits.

Oh, if only a man
could have two wives.

What did
he do now?

Well...Steve and I
were having

a wonderful,
intimate encounter.

As usual, I was hummingthe
Battle Hymn of the Republic.

Then suddenly a thumbtack
bounced off my head.

I looked up and found

Miss October hanging
from the headboard
of my marital bed.

He found the issue.

Well...

after...
questioning him...

a nauseous,
teary Steve admitted

that this whole thing
was Al's perverted idea.

What is it
about men?

They have perfectly good
wives at home,

and yet they have to look
at women like these.

Well, I guess every
now and then, a guy
who drives a Dodge

likes to close his eyes
and imagine it's a Ferrari.

Yeah, but what difference
would that make to you?

You don't know
how to drive.

Well, from
this moment on,

you are no longer allowed
to play with Steve.

And I never want to
see another one
of these again.

Well, uh, let me
take that off your hands.

Of course.

Enjoy.

Al...do you ever think
about other women

when we do it?

Nah.

Peg, is this a nose,
a breast, or what?

You really
don't know, do you?

Okay. I can see
you're gonna be
in a foul mood.

Well, until you're ready
to discuss this rationally,


I will be in the kitchen

winning the lottery
with Tubro.

What was I thinking?

I said, "I do."

I'd already
had sex with her.

I didn't need
that again.

Okay. Come on, baby.

Give me a good number.
Ha-ha-ha.

Chatta, chatta
Tubra yumbra

Chatta, chatta
Tubra yumbra

Chatta, chatta
Tubra yumbra

Chatta, chatta
Tubra yumbra

Someone help me.

Somewhere out there
must be someone

who's suffered
as much as I have.

I'm only glad my father
didn't live to see my shame.

[TOILET
FLUSHES]

Dad. I thought
you were dead.

I thought you
were alive.

Gee, Dad...

last time I saw you
was at your funeral.

You look great.

They make you jog.

So how's tricks?

Great.

And how are
the kids?

Great.

And how are
my Playboys?

You know, don't you?

No, I care how you
and the kids are.

How could you
let that woman
sell our Playboys?

I couldn't
stop her.

You know, everybody
up there is laughing
at you.

What do you mean,
everybody is
laughing at me?

Is Abe Lincoln
laughing at me?

Abe.

Socrates.

Moe, Larry,
Curly.

The Three Stooges
are laughing at me?

What about...Marilyn Monroe?

Is Marilyn laughing at me?

She doesn't even know
you're alive.

Look, Dad,
you're surrounded by
great minds up there.

Doesn't anybody know
anything about women?

Not a one.

Well, Plato used to have
a few theories,

but now he mostly just, uh...
takes young boys camping.

Look, kid...

nobody really
understands anything
about women.

And nobody ever will.
But the one thing we know:

They're the single greatest
problem facing the world today.

They must be stopped.

You must make a stand.

We're counting on you, Son.

Everybody in heaven
is counting on me?

Yeah. See, we hid from
the women and had
a meeting.

We decided that you
have to get her to get
your Playboys back.

The dignity of all men...
is riding on you.

Look at her, Dad.

I can't even get her
to give me a piece of cheese.

John Wayne thinks
that you can do it.

The Duke?

The Duke wants me
to do it?

He's got a spot
riding on you.

Peggy.

Woman.

Pilgrim.

Listen up
and listen good.

Get up, get out
and get my Playboys.

But, Al...

Now!

Well, how am I gonna
get them?

Don't care.

We want our Playboys!

We? Who's we?

Me and all the guys.

All except Plato.

Okay.

That felt good.
I feel the Duke in me.

Young'uns,
get down here right now!

What is it,
Dad?

Want my car
washed, pronto.

And you, little filly,

you're gonna cook me up
a man-sized dinner.

[LAUGHING]

What's with him?

He's old
and confused.

Okay, who wants
a Tangwich?

We don't like the way
you make them, Daddy.

We like the way
Mom makes them.

She pinches the ends
so that the orange sand
doesn't run out.

Fine.
More for me.

When's Mom
coming home?

When her task
is done. Why?

Well, because when
we have a problem,
we like to ask Mom.

What's the matter?
You can't learn from me?

Listen...there's
nothing that you can
ask your mother

you can't ask me.

Go ahead. sh**t.

Okay. Well...

I'm ovulating...

And when this happens,
I get this pinching
little cramp.

What should I do?

Walk it off.

And remember,
the next time, stretch
before you...ovulate.

Bud.

Uh, no problems
here, Dad.

Good.
That's good.

Now, I must
parent some more.

It's late. I want you both
to go straight to bed.

Okay,
Daddy.

Dad, you're not laughing
at me now, are you?

My Playboys!
My babies!

How did you
get them back?

Well, I owe it all
to Tubro.

See, we were driving around
in your car, when suddenly--

Wait a second, Peg.
What were you doing in my car?

Well, Tubro
thought it was best.

Anyhow...so we're
driving around in your car,

and I had no idea
how to get the money

to get your magazines back.

So I started to rub Tubro's
belly, and suddenly, it hit us.

What? How to get
the money back?

No, a Mercedes.

Peg, a Mercedes
hit my car?

Yeah. But don't worry.
I wasn't hurt. Ha-ha.

Anyway, rather than going
through our insurance companies,

the guy in the car
gave me enough money

to buy your Playboys back.

Aren't you proud of me?

Well, wait a second,
Peg.

How much damage
was done to my car?

Oh...lots.

But I'm pretty sure
you can still drive it.

I just think
you'd better leave

a little early for work
tomorrow.

because your car doesn't
turn left anymore.

But I don't think
you'd want to anyway,
because, you know,

there's no door
on the side.

Yeah, but
you're okay, right?

Yeah.

Ah, who cares
if you're okay, and I can
only drive clockwise.

I don't care, because
I got my babies back.

Look, Peg. Brandi Brandt.
Isn't she great?

I don't see
what's so hot about her.

Well, you will when she's
tacked up on the headboard.

Upstairs!
Now!

Oh ho ho!
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