04x12 - It's a Bundyful Life: Parts 2

[bunniefuu]

Who here knows
what a Christmas Club is?

Oh, isn't that where morons
put money in the bank

to get percent interest
instead of the normal ?

Uh, yeah.

Anyway, I've got one of these
Christmas Club things,

and was able to save
a pretty penny this year.

So, in addition to our annual
Christmas feast at Denny's,

this year we're
getting presents.

Oh! I can't
believe it.

This'll be the worst
Christmas I ever had.

I'll wind up home alone
sitting in the dark.

That is...unless
some friends invite me over.

[CONSOLINGLY]
Oh.

Poor Marcie.
I feel so bad for her.

So, Al, we're really
gonna get presents!

Yeah! You betcha!
Ha-ha!

I pick up the money
tomorrow morning.

This is gonna be the greatest
Bundy Christmas ever!

[LAUGHS]

["DECK THE HALLS"
PARTY MUSIC PLAYING]

KELLY:
Daddy!

Oh!
Daddy!

BOTH: Give me! Give me!
Give me! Give me!

Oh.

Now, kids, give your father
a chance to relax.

Make room.

Give me! Give me!
Give me! Give me!

Oh, Dad!

Give us our presents!

I love you!
Give us our presents!

Family!

I think we've fallen
a tad short

of the true meaning
of Christmas.

It's about love, about family.

I think something's rotten
in the state of Denver, Mom.

Don't worry.

Even a dullard like your father
isn't stupid enough

to come home
without presents.

I don't like the looks
of this, Mom.

Yeah, he does have that
just-plugged-the-toilet grin

on his face.

I think he's empty.

Let's check it out.

So, Al, I, uh, noticed
you're not burdened down

with presents
for your loving family.

Are they, uh,
in the car?

Well, no.

Are they, uh,
being delivered?

No.

Are they...
invisible?

Well, you guys get
to ask the good questions.

If, for once, you'd let me
go first, I would have asked--

Shh.

Honey.

Okay, Al, enough
of this loving-family crap.

What did you do?

Well, I'm going
to be honest with you, Peg.

You see, I was coming home
with great presents,

when I was surrounded
by a band of...

bears and Indians.

Daddy, are you okay?

Rest, Kelly.

Snookums,

you know, if you really did
come home with no presents,

we wouldn't mind,
would we, kids?

No, Mom.

I would.

I mean, no,
I wouldn't, Mom.

We wuv our Daddy,
right, kids?

Right, Mom.
Right, Mom.

There.

You feel
better now, Al?

Yes, I do, Peg.

Then give us
our presents.

You do have presents,
don't you, Al?

And we kissed your hand
and called you Daddy.

The bank closed.

Yeah, right.
Yeah, you rotten mullet-head.

It wasn't my fault.

I did everything
that I could.

A real Daddy would have
held up a liquor store.

They're open
till , you know.

Now, kids, I'm sure
your father has a good reason

for not taking that
money out yesterday.

Tell us
the reason, witless.

I wanted to get that
extra day of interest.

Oh, that would have been what--
About cents, Al?

Hey, that would have been
our waitress's tip at Denny's.

Thank your father for flushing
another Christmas, kids.

BOTH:
Thanks, Dad.

Hey, just because
we don't have presents

doesn't mean we can't
have Christmas.

Daddy, Christmas
without presents

is like Thanksgiving
without pizza.

Oh, well, I suppose there are
a lot of families much worse off

than us at Christmas.

Of course, they're all living
in trees and worshipping sticks.

But, let's make
the best of it.

Let's go to Denny's.

I have bucks.

That's enough for three
of us to eat.

Ha-ha. I guess we'll
all have to draw straws.

Well, I don't mind doin' that

'cause I don't think
I should have to do it,

since I do work all year--

I am gonna buy presents
on the th.

--but I think to be fair,

I'll have to, uh...

Bring me back some pie crust.

Well, let's see
how the lights work.

[GRUNTS]

That's just great.
They hang there all year long.

The one lousy time
you want 'em to work...

Well, it's a wonderful life.

I don't know.

Sometimes, I think it might have
been better if I was never born.

[BUZZING]

MAN:
Hey, buddy.

You all right?

Ah, there you are.

Yeah.

You're okay.

You're gonna be fine.

Well, thanks, buddy.
Uh...who are you?

I'm a guardian angel.

Matter of fact,
I'm looking for, uh,

an Al Bundy.

Do you know
an Al Bundy?

I'm Al Bundy.

Noooo!!

Could you stop playing Nintendo
up there for a minute?!

What kind of a mess
have you gotten me into?!

What have you done to me?!

[SOBS]

There, there, buddy.

Uh, how about
I go get my g*n

and sh**t you
with a nice silver b*llet?

[MOANS]

Would you like that,
buddy?

You'll just have to give me
a minute with this, Bundy.

I thought I was here
to save a human soul.

That's all right.
Never mind.

Hold on a minute.

Oh, thanks a lot!

You can turn water into wine,

but you can't send me
with any booze, huh?!

Love ya!

Oh, I get it.

You're one
of my wife's relatives.

I've never seen
one upright before.

No, much like a neutered dog,
you don't get it, Bundy.

Read my lips.

I'm your guardian angel.

Oh, I see.
Hell, I gotta apologize.

I just thought you were a nut.

Well, I'll get my guitar
and call Elvis.

The three of us will
rock in the New Year.

Hey, it's no sleigh ride
for me either, Bundy.

Usually,
on Christmas,

I'd be over at Moses' house.

I'd be out by the pool,
waiting for the new guy

to jump off the board.

And then Mo parts the water.

[LAUGHS]

Now, that's Christmas!

That's Christmas, man.

Yeah, but I sort
of fell from grace.

They, uh-- They caught me
scalpin' tickets

to a Jimi Hendrix concert.

And here I am.
But enough about me.

What's it gonna take
to convince you that

I'm your guardian angel?

Make my Christmas lights work.

[FINGERS SNAP]

That's amazing.

You are an angel.
Hey, I want another wish.

Aren't you supposed
to get three?

Hey, don't be a wish pig,
Bundy, all right?

You want three wishes?
Get a genie.

Besides, anything that
I can't get a receipt for

comes out of my own pocket.

Aw, come on.

Just give me one more.

Turn the lights back off,
and give me the Hee Haw girls.

I've been sittin' around
waitin' for them to die myself.

[LAUGHS]

I know you think
you got it tough.

Your wife doesn't respect you.

Your kids think
you're a failure.

A good day for you
is when you don't come across

any new foot diseases.

Believe me, I sympathize.

But you think your life reeks?

Take a whiff of mine, pal.

My wife gained pounds
for every year we were married.

We had two kids. I think
she ate 'em. I don't know.

I hated drivin' home so much,

I had vanity plates written up
that said, "Hit me."

But despite it all...
she loved me.

You know how I know?

Because she told me!

Oh, yeah,
when I was at work,

she loved my father,
my brother, my bookie.

But when I found my
grandfather's teeth in my bed

under the pillow, then I knew
there was trouble in paradise.

That's when I did what any
other man would do, Bundy.

I canceled my insurance,
and I hung myself.

Showed her, huh?

[LAUGHS]

And you're here to help me, huh?

That I am, my man.

See, if I help you,
I get my wings.

And that means a lot up there,
especially with the chicks.

If I get wings, I get to pick up
on the girls who d*ed young.

Well, that sounds great for you,

but what are you gonna do
for me?

Show me that my life can
only get worse?

What are you gonna do? Give me
two more wives? Three more kids?

Make me a--
Make me a White Sox fan?

No, Bundy. We're gonna
take a little trip.

Just like you wondered,
I'm gonna show you

what it would've been like
if you'd never been born.

Let's party.

[FINGERS SNAP]

[FINGERS SNAP]

[HUMS "HOME, SWEET HOME"]

Peg!

It's me...
and my angel.

She doesn't know
you're there, Bundy,

Just like when
you're havin' sex.

[LAUGHS]

Wait a second.

She's cooking.

She told me she was
allergic to fire.

Gee, that's weird.

I guess after I d*ed,
women started lyin', huh?

Hello, Mother.

Oh, you're home
a trifle late, dear.

Oh, yes, I know.

Regrettable,
but necessary.

I had to stop on the way home
to soundly thrash a bully,

who was making lewd
and suggestive comments

to some female
school chums.

Oh, Mother, when will men
realize that the delicate flower

of womanhood must be allowed
to bloom in freedom?

You're such
a fine young man.

I knew it would pay
to breastfeed you

till you were .

Do you need
any money, dear?

Oh, no. I could never
take money from you.

You and Father have given me
the greatest gift of all:

the gift of life.

Would he feel it
if I kicked him?

No, but for a little
extra cash,

I could give him
your dog's face.

Would you take an IOU?

Not from you.

Hello, Mama!

I'm home from college.

College?

She flunked lunch
in high school.

Good news.

They're publishing
my poetry in French.

Oh.
Oh.

Oh, Budrick.

Mwah.
Mwah.

You look fabulous.

You really must be popular
with the ladies.

Well, I've broken a few hearts,
but gained some good friends.

And you, dear sister,
are you still frigid?

Yes, but pleasures of the flesh
muddy the thinking.

She's right, you know.

I saved myself
for marriage.

Oh, come on!

The football team
retired her jersey.

I mean, what kind of guy
would marry her

if she wasn't
puttin' out?

* I saw Mommy kissing
Santa Claus *

It's Daddy!
It's Daddy!

Ho-ho! Family!

Oh, Daddy!

Dear heart!

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh.

[GIGGLES]

There they go again.

You know those wings
you been wantin'?
Yeah.

You think you can make a pair
out of this guy's kidneys?

Hey, don't worry
about him, Bundy.

I checked into his future.

By the time he's ,
his stomach is so ulcer-ridden

that-- Oh.
Oh, that's you.

Sorry, man.
Sorry.

So, how was
your day, honey?

Oh, wonderful as every day
since we met.

Am I the only one
who can taste the bile?

Oh, by the way, dear,
I didn't have a chance

to finish
the Christmas cookies.

I had a run-in
with a shoe salesman today.

There she goes.
She's leavin' him.

No one can resist
a shoe salesman.

I was only trying on shoes
for a couple of hours,

and he barked at me.

He was a rude, smelly,
uneducated, little man. Hmph.

Imagine, a grown man selling
shoes for a living. Ha-ha!

But let us remember
the old adage,

"I lamented I had no shoes until
I saw the man who sold them."

I'll bet you're all wondering
where your presents are.

Oh, Father...

you needn't get us anything.

What?!

Oh, yes.

Your love and guidance
all these years means more to us

than any store-bought bauble.

Oh--
I--

I just love
you guys so much.

Well, gee,
this was fun.

What do we do next?

Go back in time to the day
I should have been conceived?

Watch my father invent
the condom?

No.

No more time travel
for me.

It gives me the runs.

Besides, Bundy,
you're the one that wanted

to see what life would be like
if you'd never been born.

So grin and bear it.

Family, I have
a little announcement.

I do have a special Christmas
present for everyone.

I've watched you all suffer
in this hovel for years,

but over the years,

I've been saving, and that,
along with Mommy's sewing money,

has allowed me
to buy us a new house.

A mansion, really.

So how about joining me
in a "Whoa, Jablonski."

TOGETHER:
Whoa, Jablonski!

[MOUTHING]
Whoa, Jablonski?

Oh, Norman,
what a special Christmas.

Let's just stand here
and love each other.

Kids.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

ALL:
I love you.

Now, that's the straw that
broke the camel's back.

I'm sorry, Bundy.
I failed you.

I was supposed to show you
why you should live,

but I can't think
of one darn reason.

I'll never get
my wings now.

And you know what kind
of woman you get in heaven

drivin' around
in a ' Pinto?

The same kind of woman
you get down here

drivin' around a ' Pinto.

God, I'm depressed.

Well, that's better.

Wait a second.

I wanna be back
with my family.

Why?

Look at them.
They're happy.

Not a care in the world.

You think I'm gonna
let that happen

after all the grief
they put me through?

I want to live!

Bundy, are you serious?

That means I'm gonna
be an angel!

I'm gonna get my wings!

I'm gonna be a real angel!

But first--

First I'm gonna go take
a look at my ex-wife.

You really did love her, huh?

No.

No, I just wanna put a package
of Ding Dongs just out of reach

of her porkpie fingers.

And then, as she oozes that
thousand-pound bulk

over the table,

lifts up three of her chins

so she's able to put
one of 'em into her mouth,

I'm gonna turn 'em
into me!

A -year-old rotting corpse!

How do you like that,
Thelma?

Daddy's home for Christmas!

You pig! You slut!

Take a bite of this, Shamu!

Aah!

PEGGY:
Al, get up!

Peg.

You know me?

Well, of course,
I know you.

Why do you think
I didn't help you up?

Come on, kids,
let's go inside.

Knowing your father,
he'll catch pneumonia,

cough on us,
and we'll all get sick.

Out of the way, Al.

Yeah, you rotten...

KELLY:
God.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Bud, quick--

What's more important:
love or money?

Well, money, Dad.
I can always rent love.

[LAUGHS]

Kelly, quick--

What's the color
of an orange?

No multiple choice?

You mean, just straight
off the top of my head?

Ha, no. Don't worry
about it, pumpkin.

Peg, bake me
some Christmas cookies.

Drop dead, Al.

[LAUGHING]
All right!

Well, I'm glad you're
in a good mood.

You know, they raised
the Christmas platter

at Denny's cents.

So we had to go to the Spud Hut
for their Holiday Tater Feast.

Thanks a lot, Al.

This is the worst
Christmas I've ever had.

Yeah, me too.
This reeks.

Just a regular orange?

[LAUGHS]

I've got my family back.

ANGEL:
Okay, heaven, I'm back.

Open up the gates.

What do you mean,
where's my badge?

It's in my luggage.

They lost my luggage?

Ow, ow.
Ow! Aah!

[***]

* It's beginning
To look a lot like Christmas *

* Everywhere you go *

* Take a look
In the five-and-ten *

* Glistenin' once again *

* With candy canes
And silver lanes aglow *

* It's beginning
To look a lot like Christmas *

* Toys in every store *

* But the prettiest sight
To see *

* Is the holly that will be *

* On your own front door *

* On your own *

* Front *

* Door *

CHORUS:
Merry Christmas!