04x16 - You Gotta Know When to Hold 'Em: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

TV ANNOUNCER:
Today on Becky:
"Men: Scum or Slime?"

TV ANNOUNCER :
Today on Lorraine:
"Men: Couldn't You Just Puke?"

TV ANNOUNCER :
Today on Sharyn, "Men:
Upright Dogs With Paychecks?"

That's what I hate about
this time of year.

Nothing on but reruns.

Oh, hi,
honey.

Ow!

What is it, Peg,
couch sores?

No, it's TV thumb.

But, I'm a housewife.
It goes with the territory.

So how was
your day?

Peg, it was
the worst day--

That's nice, dear.

I want a vacation.

I need to do
something different.

No problem.

Next week when you're
watching TV,

try watching with
your mouth closed.

I'm serious, Al.

They always give you a vacation.

Remember last April?

That was my hernia
operation, Peg.

And then what about
Christmas day?

You remember?

You didn't have to
go in until .

Yeah, what a day.

Between stepping over
your egg-nogged body

and thawing out my underwear

you so thoughtfully left
on the clothesline outside...

I did have about
five seconds of fun.

It was watching
all those stars

when I stepped on the shovel
Bud left buried in the snow.

Why is it that whenever
I want something,

all you can talk about
is yourself?

It's always my back,
my hernia, my 'roids.

Don't you see the rut
our lives have become?

I need a vacation.

Peg, if you want to
visit someplace new,
try the kitchen.

And while you're
out there,

don't forgot to take
a picture by the refrigerator.

You know,
Old Empty.

God, I hate men!

I thought you were
man's best friend.

Oh, that's a dog,
not a chicken.
Sorry, Marcie.

Oh, shut up, you hamhock.

Peggy, read this note
from Steve.

It was waiting
on my pillow when
I came home from work.

"Dear Marcie--"

"Dear Marcie"
my sweet patootie!

The geek is
leaving me!

Oh, he doesn't mean that.
He loves you.

I guess
you're right.

He probably meant to
say that when
he wrote this:

"Frankly, I'm sick
of you. You disgust me.

"I had a full head
of hair when
I met you...

and I'm sure my nose grew
during our marriage."

He says he's going
to Yosemite to be
a park ranger.

He's rejected
materialism

and all the evils
brought about
by the quest for money.

Oh. And he's suing me
for alimony.

[LAUGHING]

Be strong, Marce.
You don't need a man.

I mean, what are they
good for?

They sit there
like a lump.

They pick, they burp,
they let one fly.

And then they smile
like they just won
the Nobel prize.

Oh.

And then once a month,
they roll over on you

on their way
to the bathroom,

and they call that
loving.

Not that you're
not the best, baby.

You should feel lucky
Steve left you.

This is the dawn
of a new age
for you, Marce.

You know, Peggy.
You're right.

I can do better
than Steve.

I have my health.

BOTH:
Right.

I have my youth.

Right.
Yup.

I've got
my looks.

Thank God I have you
for a support group.

Well, it's Steve's loss.

If he can't handle a strong,
intelligent woman,

then tough noogies on him.

That's right,
Marce.

He'll come crawling
back to you.

He will. I think this
is just gonna blow over.

You'll be just fine.

Go ahead.
Go home.

Right.

I'm gonna go home...

and cut the crotches
out of all of his pants.

And drag his ties
through dog poo.

As far as I'm concerned,
it's just one less egg to fry.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I don't want
to be alone.

I'm afraid, I'm weak
and helpless.

There, there.
There, there.

Now...peel her off me,
will you?

Now, Marcie. It's
gonna be all right.

You can just
stay here with us.

[MOUTHS]
No.

I won't be
in the way?

Oh,
of course not.
[MOUTHING WORDS]

Oh, you're
good people...

and good friends.

Marcie, you're more
like family.

Al...brush the fleas
off Buck's blanket.

We have a guest.

"Gee, Garfield,
are those leftovers?"

[LAUGHING]

Hi, Kelly.
I...see your butt's moving.

You must be reading.

Gee, Bud, you look
a little bit pale.

It must be your face
trying to peek out
from behind your pimples.

Oh, big news
in the neighborhood.

Mr. Rhoades dropped
Mrs. Rhoades like an old shoe.

No kidding?

Yup. He left her
to go be a ranger
in that park?

You know, the one where
Yogi Bear lives?

Jellystone
National Park?

No, the other one.
Yose-might.

Man...how do you
leave a babe like that?

You know, Bud...
this could be
your big chance.

What do you mean?

Well, Mrs. Rhoades
is staying with us tonight.

She's man-less.

And you must have seen
how she looks at you.

Well, sure.

How?

Bud, don't be a cowpie
your whole life.

She's hot for you.

She's reaching
her sexual peak.

You're reaching your sexual
peak, sad as that may be.

I mean, this could be
your big chance.

And what woman
wouldn't want a virgin?

Yeah!

I'll-- I'll lie to her
about that part,
but, uh...

When do you think
I should make my move?

You'll know when
the time is right.

Man! I'm gonna
get me an old woman.

What an idiot.

"Odie, did you eat
my la-sag-knee?"

[LAUGHS]

Hi, Mrs. Rhoades.

I guess you heard the news.

Oh, you mean about how
Mr. Rhoades used and left you

like you were the hand wipe
in the men's room
at the bus station?

Ahem, yes.
That news.

Straw head.

Mrs. Rhoades,
let me help you out.

See, you're a nerd girl.

And nerd girls get dumped.

It's as inevitable as
death in Texas.

So, what you've gotta do
is get yourself a new guy.

Oh, no more men for me.

The next man that lays a finger
on me, I'll slap him silly.

Excuse me.

What are you gonna do
if a man touches you?

Slap them silly.

[LAUGHS]

KELLY:
She's primed
and ready. Go!

Coo-coo-ca-choo,
Mrs. Robinson.

Oh, hi, Bud.
My, you look nice.

Uhh, so do I.

Listen, uh...

I know you're
hurting, babe.

I just wanted to say
if you need a friend
or a...

shoulder
to lean on or...

a knee
to bounce on...

Just dial "A" for
"All night long."

Why, thank you, Bud.
I appreciate that.

Actually...I really do
need someone to talk to.

Steve and I have been
together for so long.

I understand.

How could I
have been so blind?

Look, uh, let's
cut through
the fancy talk.

We both know what
we want here. Mm. Mm.

[LOUD SLAP]

And if you ever
touch me again,

I will slap you so hard,
even your name
will be swollen.

Got me?

[SQUEALING]
Uh-huh.

What did I
do wrong?

Nothing.

Don't you know
anything about women?

Well, no.

Well, I do.

Her fists were saying
"No, no,"

but there was
"Yes, yes," in her eyes.

Really?

Sure. Listen,

next time she bends over,
you just take...

Hi, Marcie.

Listen...I want you
to be comfortable,

so I brought you
this pillow.

Oh.

It's nice
and soft.

Oh, yeah.
It has to be.

Al uses it to sit on
when his 'roids flare up.

So...how you doing?

Oh, Peggy, I feel
so alone, so miserable.

How am I gonna make it?
What am I gonna do?

Be happy.

Forget that your husband
left you.

Pretend he d*ed.

You can't tell me you've
never fantasized about that.

Come on, Marcie.
We all have.

[LAUGHTER]

See?

Now, what you've got to do
is start thinking
about yourself.

Be selfish.

I know. Take us
on a vacation. Huh.

That'll show
that damn Al.

I-- I mean,
Steve.

A vacation.
God, I wish I could.

But where would I
get the money?

Gee...that's a tough one
when you don't have kids
to steal from.

I know. Sell something
of Steve's.

He took everything...
except his stereo.

And he wants me to
crate it and ship it to him.

I guess you can't be
a real park ranger

without the theme
from Brigadoon
blasting on your stereo.

Sell it.

I tell you what.

Would it make you
feel better

if I sold something of Al's
and came with you?

Oh, Peggy, would you?

AL:
Hey, Peg!

Come pop this thing
under my arm!

Well, let's go first thing
in the morning.

Al's a tiger after
he's been popped.

I don't know, Kel.
I did everything
you said.

I goosed her.
I blew in her ear.

I even made
that sexy sound
with my armpit.

You think she's
frigid?

You know, Bud,
it's time to
step things up.

You've got to show her
that you're for real.

Do something
that screams romance.

Buy a single rose, hold it
in between your teeth

and wait for her
in her bed.

I know. Wear your
Ghostbusters jammies.

But don't
tuck them in.

[GRUNTS]

[BOTH GRUNT]

What the hell's wrong
with this remote control?

Well, Dad, I'm no
electrician,

but I'd say
the trouble is
the TV's gone.

Oh, and by the way,
Dad, so is Mom.

Wait a second.
Let's not gloss over
this TV thing.

Where the hell is it?

Las Vegas!

Woah!

Oh! The lights,
the money.

The men!

I'm as giddy
as a widow.

Well...let's just
check in.

After a nice bubble bath
and a good night's sleep,

we'll start bright
and early.

I hear they've got
a really neat dam
not far from here.

Oh, it's gonna be
so much-- Peggy?

Come on, baby.

Mama needs
a new pair of men.

[COINS CLATTER]

I won! I won!

Look! cents
from one quarter.

How does this place
stay in business?

Let me play!
Let me play!

ALL:
Yay!

Oh. what are we messing
with quarters for?

The real money's
over there.

Come on, Marcie,
let's go.

Oh. Maybe we should
take it slow.

Not when we're
on a streak.

We just got here and
we're almost up a buck.

We're hot.

Come on, grab the bags.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.
Make way. Make way.

Ho-ho-ho-ho.

Excuse me.
Make way. Make way.

Oh! Don't you
recognize

a lady when
you see one? Ha-ha.

[COINS CLATTER]

[LAUGHS]

God. What did they have,
a toupee sale here?

I would like
$ worth of chips

and a Nubian god
to carry home
my winnings.

I'm Marcie.
I hate men.

But if you get me drunk,
I'm yours.

New sh**t
coming out.

Okay. Give me room.
Give me room.

Oh, not you.
You stay close.

Let's go!

Lady...roll them
or buy them.

Thank you.

C'mon baby.
Give me a seven
or send me to heaven.

Seven.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Did we win?

Of course we won.

You know what they say:
bad marriage, good luck.

Place your bets.

Okay.

Don't give me a two
because my husband
sells shoes.

Seven.

[CROWD CHEERING]
Aah!

Oh! We won again!
We won again!

How does this place
stay in business?

Oh, I don't know, Marce...
but grease up the men
and sh**t the women,

because I'm a-rolling!

Well, what are we
gonna do now?

We lost all our money...
in eight minutes.

We lost our plane
tickets home.

And we can't even
afford a room.

Yeah...

but we had fun,
didn't we?

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Well, I guess I'll go
fluff up a cactus
and sleep in the desert.

Well, you know
what they say:

the early bird catches
the Gila monster.
Hm.

Boy, you lose your husband
and your life savings.

It doesn't take much
to bring you down,
does it?

[LAUGHS]

You know, I just know
if I had a bigger stake,

I could break this place.

There's just got to be
a way to get more money.

[SIGHS]

Hello, Sergeant?
This is Al Bundy again.

Listen, I'm...really starting
to get worried now.

I'm sorry. It's getting hard
for me to talk.

Let me...calm down.

A description?

Okay.

Nineteen inch, diagonal.

Has a...maple--

Maple console.

And it's got notches in it
from where the--

Where the kids grew.

[CRIES]

Dad, what about Mom?

Oh, yeah, my wife's
missing too. Uh...

What? A description?

I don't know.
Listen...you guys
are awful busy.

Why don't you find
the TV first,

and then we'll worry
about the wife.

Yeah.

Uh, listen, let me know
if you hear anything, huh?

All right. Goodbye.

Why didn't I let you know
how I felt about you
when I had the chance?

Gee, Dad, we've never
seen you touched
like this before.

Well, it's just that
I loved that TV so much.

We all did, Dad.
Yeah.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who is it?

Pizza
boy.

Here.

Twelve dollars,
please.

Yep.

[LAUGHS]

No, Mr. Bundy,
I'm gonna need cash.

Uh, your credit card
was rejected.

What? That's impossible.
I just paid it off.

[SIGHS]

Look, Bundy, I held up
my part of the deal.

I sideswiped a hearse
to get you this pizza
in minutes.

Fork over
the bucks.

I don't have
that kind of money.

Wait a second.
I'll take care
of this.

I know my credit's
good.

Hello. Al Bundy here.

Yes, "No Tip" Bundy.

Now, look, it seems you people
made a little mistake.

Now, I ordered a pizza
and it seems my credit card
was-- What?

No, I did not charge $
in the last minutes.

I see.

And just exactly where did my
wife spend this alleged grand?

Thank you very much.

Kids, get a change of clothes
and a baseball bat...

because we're going to Vegas!