04x23 - Yard Sale

[bunniefuu]

Hey, didn't I just pay bills
last month?

Just the ones
stamped "final notice."

This month we're doing the ones

personally delivered
by the sheriff.

Where's your mother?

She said
she couldn't watch this.

It depresses her.

So she took your wallet,
and she went shopping.

But if that damn woman
isn't here,

who am I supposed to yell at?

She left this.

Go ahead, Dad.

Yeow!

Who could run up
a $ phone bill?

PEGGY:
I'm sorry, Al.

I made a mistake.

It'll never happen
again.

[GRUMBLES]

All right.

Yikes!

A hundred and sixty dollars
for a haircut and a manicure?

I can explain
that one.

You better!

It was just
a one-time thing,

and it'll never
happen again.

All right.

Aah!

Who spent $
on a tape recorder?

Oh, Al,
I'll never do that--

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mom.

No, I'm just putting
a tape together

for that idiot husband
of mine.

Oops.

Erase that, Kelly.

KELLY:
I will, Mom.

PEG:
Don't forget, now.

KELLY:
I said I will.

What do I look like,
an idiot?

[CLICK]

Hey, I'm gonna do it.

Ahh!

Well, that's done.

Now, let's see what's left

to go into
the old savings account.

Hey, a big nickel.

See, kids, one day,
all that will be yours.

I said one day!

Dad, I hate to be the fly
in your Preparation H,

but, uh...

you missed a bill.

You know, Daddy,

you should do
what Mom says:

you should marry somebody
who's got a job.

Didn't your mom
ever tell you that?

No, honey.

My mom told me
to marry an anchor

and cling to it
as it sinks to the bottom.

Chicko's Storage?

What the hell
is Chicko's Storage?

Our storage bin.

What the hell
do you mean,
storage bin?

Nobody told me
about a storage bin.

What could we possibly
put in a storage bin?

Thanks, Adolfo!

Just put the rest
in the storage bin!

Oh.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Hi, honey.

Hi, pookie.

What you got there?

Uh...

it's a boar's head.

I know, but what do you have
behind your back?

No, I saw it, Daddy.

It is a boar's head.

Rest, honey.

Peg, why did you buy
a boar's head?

Well, if you must know,
it aroused me.

Glassy eyes,
stuffing for brains,

nothing below the neck.

Nail it to a toilet bowl,
it could be you.

No, it couldn't,
'cause unlike me,

someone loved him enough
to put a b*llet in his head.

I can't live like this.

I already got a dog
and three leeches.

What am I gonna do
with a boar's head?

All right.

Kids, take that thing
to the garage.

All right. Let's go.

No, no, no, no!

The boar's head.

You gotta be

a little bit more
specific, Mom, because--

Yeah, I mean, usually
when you say "that thing,"

you mean Dad.
I know.

Peg, this has got to stop.

Oh...

I'll do with that thing
what I should've done to you
after the wedding:

strap it to the hood of my car,
take it back to the woods
where it belongs.

You can't take it back.

I got it at a yard sale.

Peg, don't you know

the things you buy
at a yard sale

are just junk?

No, they're not.

That's where I got
your reading glasses,

and the brake linings
for your car

and antibiotics for the kids.

Besides, you buy a lot
of worthless junk, too,

like your bowling ball.

Peg, I go bowling.

You don't go boaring.

Well, once every
couple of months I do.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yoo-hoo! It's me!

See, Peg,

this is why I tell you,
lock the door.

Peggy, the most wonderful thing
happened.

I have a date.

Oh!

Al!

Marcy has a date!

Gee, they must be
selling parkas in hell

right now.

Well, we can only hope
your dad can afford one.

So, what's he like?

Is he tall? Is he rich?

Is he sighted?

Al, Pick a hole
in your head

and stick your finger
in it.

Grownups are talking.

Peggy, my mistake was
looking for a man to love,

when all I really needed
was a man to hurt.

I think I found him.
He's perfect.

Are you going to
have sex with him?

Well, you heard her say
she wants to hurt him.

Anyway, this is not
something I'd admit

in front of a man,

but I'm a little nervous
about this sex thing.

It's been
a long time.

Three months.

[LAUGHS]

I could do three months
standing on my head.

I'm just so used
to Steve.

It was his
one strength.

Well, that
and show tune trivia.

But what if this guy's
no good at all?

Well, you've come
to the right place.

I'll tell you,

the most important thing
the first few times

is to make them feel

like they're doing
a good job,

even when they're not.

You know,
I say things like,

"Oh, honey, I wasn't
laughing at you.

I was just thinking
of a joke."

Oh, or, "You know,
when it's the real thing,

it only has to take
but a minute."

Oh, and you should always
keep a little cup of water

by the side of the bed,

sort of
sprinkle your brow.

He'll really think
you're into it.

I've gotten a few
"suffer, baby's"

from Al
with that one.

Oh, and then...

if you have
a free hand,

which I always do,

you wanna just sort of
reach over to the clock

and move it forward.

It's a good
confidence builder.

And always...

practice moaning
to cover up your yawns.

You know, I guess
what I'm saying is,

you've just gotta
leave the man

with something.

Peg, you forgot
about your best secret move:

you know, spitting cr*cker Jacks
while you shout instructions.

Oh, and the passionate

"Remember, tomorrow's
garbage day"

at just that right moment.

See, I can't speak for all men,
but that turns me into a tiger.

Dad, there's no more room
left in the garage.

I had to take this out
to get the boar's head in.

Hey, look what else Mom bought.

A collection
of Danish Dames magazines.

Hey! That's not mine.

How-- How the heck
did those get in there?

Damn vandals
must have left them.

I'll make sure

they're put in the trash
where they belong.

Idiot.

Peg, what's this?

Oh, that's an ashtray

that teaches you
geography.

That way you can smoke
and learn.

What a find!

Where'd you get it?

Hampee's garage sale.

How could I
have missed it?

I was there
when they opened.

Did you see
the three-legged chair?

Got it.
Damn!

You know,
the only thing better

than going to
a good garage sale

is having your own.

When I was
a little girl--

Oh, help me!

We'd have a garage sale
every summer.

My mother
would sell anything:

old lamp shades,
record albums,

the training bra
off my back.

What were you, about ?

I was

and making more money
than you.

Anyway, our garage sales
were always a big success.

We made $ once.

My personal stuff
was the biggest seller.

I guess when you see
a little girl cry

as strangers pry
her cherished belongings

out of her hands,

people think
they're getting a real bargain.

Why, the big cents
they got for my dog Chester

helped pay for that weekend
in the mountains

my parents took without me.

But I guess I would have been
a real downer,

you know, screaming,

"Chester, Chester,
please come home.

I can't live without you."

I don't think about it much...

except for the times
when I wake up screaming.

Five hundred dollars,
you say?

Marcy just gave me a great idea.

Peg, scrape the dog doody
off the grass.

The Bundys
are having a yard sale.

Al, I can't believe
you're doing this.

You're selling
my life's work.

Not your whole life's work.

I'm keeping my knotted bowels.

Dad, what's the price
on this?

Mm, cents.

Winky?

You can't sell Winky.

Pookie, Winky's dead.

Why would you buy
a dead bird?

Well, they said

he could speak
over words.

Okay, make it a quarter, son.

How much, Dad?

Oh, no.

You can't sell this painting.
It's unique.

It's Paris Seen Through
the Eyes of a Dead Man.

Kids, tie your mommy up.

Al, I have spent years
amassing these treasures

from the four corners
of the block.

How can you--

How can you
sell these things

when there's all that
useless stuff

in the house?

You know, there's
a vacuum and a stove

and your side of the bed,

your second pair
of underwear...

Begone, woman.

You stink.

Kids...

did you put the ad
in the paper?

Mm-hmm.
Signs around
the neighborhood?

BOTH: Mm-hmm.
Thumbtacks
in the street

so the cars will get a flat
in front of the house?

Yup.

[TIRE POPS, AIR HISSING]

We're open
for business.

Yep.

Open for business.

Look, honey!
A parrot!

Hi, pretty bird.

[SQUAWKS]

Take me home.

I wanna be
part of your family.

I love you.

[SQUAWKS]

Excuse me.

Isn't that you
talking?

How dare you
come into my own yard

and accuse me of
passing myself off
for a dead bird?

Look, we're sorry,
uh...

How much?

[DEEP VOICE]
And I'll take this,

and this, and this.

Oh, my.

What can I do for you?

How much
for this wagon wheel?

Twenty-five cents.

That's ridiculous.

I'll give you
cents.

No, my daddy says .

Bud, you notice anything
unusual over there?

Which do you mean, Dad?

Mom dressed like
an idiot,

or Kelly for the first time
using the word "no."

And I'd like this,
and this, and this.

Dad, I got
a live one here.

She'll buy anything.

Watch.

Twenty dollars.

I'll take it.

What an idiot.

Kelly, go change
the newspaper

under the dead parrot's
cage.

I'll handle this.

Soak her, daddy.

Winky's waiting,
honey.

Hello, Peg.

Hi, Al--

[DEEP VOICE] I mean, uh...

Hello, mister.

[CLANKING]

Peg...

the cow bell.

You stink.

Burger?

Yeah, I'll have
a couple.

Son...

Have I told you
not to marry?

Yeah, Dad.

Good. That's good.

Have I told you

not to be
a shoe salesman?

Yeah, Dad.

I guess I've told you
everything I know, then.

Son, what do you
wanna be

when you grow up?

Well, I was--

Yeah, I wanted to be
a football player.

Now I just wanna be
like him.

Sure, you have to eat
a bowl full of

the private parts
of horses, but...

then you go to the bathroom
on the lawn,

and somebody says
you did good.

That's all I wanted:

to lie in the sun,
to run in the grass,

to see a good-looking
bitch

through a chain-link
fence...

Ah, what's the use?
It'll never happen, so...

* A dog is an animal
With big, floppy ears *

[SOBBING] Oh, God.

What's with Dad?

He's having
the dog dream again.

Good boy!

You know,
I can't understand

why we can't sell
any of this junk.

Well, honey, see,
lawn sales are based

on the Bigger Idiot
theory.

You know,
nothing's so dumb

that some bigger idiot

won't come along
and buy it,

but the flaw
in that theory is

that eventually you get
to the head idiot.

And, uh,
you call her "Mom."

So what do we do, Dad?

Give up
and become Sanford and Son?

No. I'll think
of something.

Remember
the Bundy credo:

"a Bundy never wins,
but a Bundy never quits."

No, Dad, it's
"a Bundy never eats."

No, no, no,
it's "a Bundy never learns."

Wait, isn't it
"a Bundy never dies"?

No, "a Bundy never cares."

Shut up, the two of you.
Shut up, the two of you.

Just give me one minute
to think about this.

and I'll think

of a brilliant way
to get us out of this.

Ho, ho, ho!

Welcome to Bundyland,
the happiest place on earth!

Having fun?

This reeks.

Just pet the damn dog.

[GROWLS]

Bud, how we doing
on the Wheel o' Fun?

Great, Dad.

Hold on tight.

[GRINDER ORGAN
PLAYING CIRCUS TUNE]

Why do men treat me
like I'm stupid?

[IMITATING PARROT]
Beats the hell
out of me.

They treat me
that way too.

Maybe it's because we're blond.

[SQUAWKS]

Hey, P.T. Barnum.

So, you didn't think
I could get a guy, huh?

Well, I did, and he can't wait
to get his hands on me.

But I made him
stop here first

so you could see
what a real man looks like.

Check him out.

The best thing
about him

is that he's
a one-woman man.

Then that
must be her now.

Roland, get back here.

When I buy a guy dinner,
I expect something for it!

Ahh...

Al...

I'm so depressed.

Welcome to Bundyland,

the depressingest place
on earth.

I was just over at
the Friedmans' garage sale

down the block.

You know
what they're saying?

"Why does your husband
go on living?"

No, no one knows
I'm married.

They're saying
that all my stuff,

my treasures

are junk.

Peg, I've been
telling you that!

Yeah, but these are
strangers.

I care what they think.

Oh, Al, I've failed me.

As usual, I can see
that you're making it big.

All right, everybody,
family meeting.

Kids...

it is with a heavy heart
that I have to report

that Bundyland

is a complete
and total failure.

A first for anything
named Bundy.

Gee, I wish it could be

like one of them
big w*nk*r hoedowns.

You know, where everybody
gathers around the still

and they play spin-the-cousin.

Now, here's
what we're gonna do.

We're gonna take everything
that's left--

That includes
everything.

--and dump it
in a stranger's yard.

[IMITATING PARROT]
What if someone sees us?

[SQUAWKS]

Just mutter something in German.

We'll blame it on the Schultzes.

Right, Dad.

Now, Peg...

have you learned
anything this time?

No.

Then I'll
explain it to you.

Peg, you have attended
your last garage sale.

See, pookie, we're broke,
and you're stupid,

and the combination

just doesn't work out
for the family.

Peg, don't you realize

that we don't need
all this stuff

to be miserable?

We've got each other.

Oh, Al,
I know you're right.

I know I have to stop,
but I can't.

It's like that stuff
just beckons to me,

and I feel
like I have to buy.

And yet you never
feel the need

to cook a meal
or wash a sock.

Hey, what am I, sick?

All right, Peg,
let's start clean.

Clean garage,
clean yard,

separate beds.

I know!

We'll even start eating.

[CHANGE RATTLING]

Honey, I'm going
to give you $ .

Now, I want you to buy.

No animal heads
or paintings

or Hoss Cartwright
ceramic memorial hats.

Just food.

Do you think you can
do that, pookie?

I can do it, Al.

I've bought
other things.

I can buy food!

Al, you're looking
at a whole new Peggy!

Maybe this one won't be able
to find her way home.

Must buy food.
Must buy food.

I must buy food.

I'm gonna buy food.

I'm gonna buy food.

I'm gonna buy...food.

Buy me.

No.

Buy me.

I have to buy food!

Buy me.

Well...

okay.