02x10 - The Girl Who Never Had a Birthday: Part 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "I Dream of Jeannie". Aired: September 18, 1965 – May 26, 1970.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise

Rescued from a bottle by a U.S. astronaut, a scantily clad genie named Jeannie becomes his sl*ve and eventually falls in love with him.
Post Reply

02x10 - The Girl Who Never Had a Birthday: Part 1

Post by bunniefuu »

It must be nice to have someone
give you a birthday party.

Well, you should know.

You must have had hundreds...
Thousands of 'em.

Oh, I have never had
a birthday party, master.

You...? You've never had...?
Well, how can that be, Jeannie?

I do not know
when my birthday is.

I'm afraid there's
no way to find out.

You... You see, it all
happened so long ago,

that it's almost impossible...

Jeannie!
What are you doing?

Doing?

I hate to seem rude, but, uh...

one of your feet is missing.

It is happening.

What's happening?

Whenever I get very unhappy,
I begin to vanish.

What are you going
to do, master?

Jeannie, you can't stay there.

Now, pull yourself together
and go on home.

I have tried, master.
It is no use.

Oh, I have become so unhappy

because I do not know
when my birthday is,

that I have lost my power.

Yeah, but...

Sorry.

Is, uh, part of Jeannie
still missing?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

You know what they say,

half a genie is better
than none at all.

That's what they say.

Yeah, Roger, we've gotta find
out when her birthday is.

Well, back to ERIC.

Who is this ERIC?

ERIC is a computing machine,
uh, Jeannie.

It's the greatest mechanical
brain in the world.

A-and this machine knows
when my birthday is?

Well, it will when we're through
feeding it some information.

Oh!

Dr. Bellows.

Oh, Dr. Bellows.
Major Healey.

Yes, sir.
What do you have there, sir?

My files.
I'm ready to move in.

Did you say you're ready
to move in now, sir?

Well, yes.

I'm gonna use your office
while they're painting mine.

Oh, uh, do you really think
you'd better?

Well, you'll be in Alaska.

Is there any reason
why I shouldn't use your office?

Oh, no, no, of course not.

No, no. Of course not.
You can use my office.

It has a nice southern exposure.

Yes.

The southern exposure here
is just fine, thank you.

Let me clean out
my desk for you.

I've got a few...

Don't bother.

I'll just, uh, move
your things to one side.

Well...

Excuse me.

Oh, uh, do you have a pencil?

Oh, yes.

It's no bother, sir.

Oh.

Here we are.

That'll be all, gentlemen.

Oh, yes, of course, sir.

I'll just, uh, pick up
some of my personal things.

Roge.

Gentlemen?

Sorry, sir.

Of course, sir.

Feel free to use any...
Anything in the office.

Feel free, sir.
Very free.

Why don't we go in my office
and plan some strategy, okay?

Look, you can't let Dr. Bellows
stay in your office.

He'll find Jeannie.
I know that.

I gotta get him out of there.

You know what you need?

What?
A genie.

Yeah...

Why don't we go over
to the computer

and find out
Jeannie's birthday, huh?

I'm afraid you'll have
to do it alone, Roge.

I gotta think of a way
to keep Dr. Bellows busy.

Well, how?

I don't know how.
I'll think of something.

While you're thinking,
why don't I have ERIC

figure out Jeannie's birthday?

She'll get happy,
her powers will come back

and all of our troubles
will be over.

You know how to work ERIC?

There's only one thing:

We don't have enough
information to feed it.

Well, it gave us
the date before.

Yeah, but we don't know
if the dates are correct.

What we need is more facts.

Facts?

Her own mother doesn't

even remember her birthday.

How are we gonna come up
with any information?

Ah, that's it.
That's it. Astrology.

Astrology?
Astrology.

Astro... I don't believe
in astrology.

I don't even believe in genies.

But Jeannie believes
in astrology.

Now, do you want
to help her or don't you?

Of course. I'd do anything
in the world for her.

This is your only chance.

All right, all right,
how could it help?

All right. Different people
were born in different months

with different
characteristics, right?

We have to find out
Jeannie's characteristics,

feed them to the machine, and
we come up with her birthday.

That's the most
ridiculous thing I ever heard of.

I mean, even if I went
along with you on this,

where would we find a book
on astrology at NASA?

Now, don't laugh.

Astrology For You.

Tony, it'll work.

Now, we know Jeannie was born
in B.C.

Now, all we have to do
is feed her characteristics

to the machine.

And the fact that Neptune
was in Scorpio

when she was born, we'll come up
with the whole thing.

All right, we'll do it.
And you know why?

Why?

Because I'm desperate.

I'm telling you, it'll work.
It's a cinch.

Now, all we have to do
is program her personality.

How would you describe her?

What do you mean?

Nice, funny, happy?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, stubborn.
She's stubborn.

She's stubborn.

She's imprac...
I better write this down.

Yes, stubborn's good.
That's a good start.

Stubborn.
Stubborn.

Um... impractical.

Impractical.

Now, she's impulsive.

Impulsive.

Warm-hearted.
Warm-hearted.

Yeah.

Generous.
Very generous.

Generous, yes.
Very generous.

Sentimental.

Loyal.
Loyal's good.

Um, she's, uh... friendly.

Friendly.

And beautiful.
Scratch beautiful.

Why? I think
she's beautiful.

Don't you?

To you, she may be beautiful,

but not to ERIC.
Huh?

To him, beautiful is
another machine

that looks just like him.

Well, that oughta do it.
I'll get back to Dr. Bellows.

Yeah, you sure
you can handle this, huh?

Yeah. Can you?
Good luck.

Oh, hello, sir.
Is everything all right?

Well, shouldn't it be?

Yeah, oh, yes, of course.

Uh, do you find
the office comfortable?

Oh, it's just fine, major.
Uh, was that all?

No, sir. I'd like
to speak to you, please.

Well, could it wait
until a little later?

I... I'm in the middle
of a report

that General Peterson's...

It's urgent, sir. I feel
it's really quite urgent.

Oh? Sit down.

If you don't mind,
I'd rather lie down.

What's your problem?

Well, it all started
when I was a small boy.

"Impractical...
and irresponsible."

It sounds like
a girlfriend of mine.

Let's see...

And then when I was years old,

I wanted a dog.

Oh, not just any kind of a dog.

No, not for me. I...

I wanted a mongrel.

Uh, major...

Is that significant, doctor?

If you could just tell me
what your problem is.

I'm getting there.

My father wouldn't buy me a dog.

So I stole one.

Major,

General Peterson is waiting
for this report.

If your dog can wait.

Oh, the dog can wait, I can't.

You see, when I walk down
the street now and I see a dog,

I have this terrible compulsion
to kidnap it.

Kidnap it?

Oh, it's not just dogs.

It's chickens and sheep
and goats and horses...

Just a moment.

Let me get my pad.

Now, uh, you were saying
that you had this urge

to kidnap horses?

"Mischievous...
and optimistic."

Ah, there, that should do it.

Now, ERIC, you've got
to come through for us, ERIC.

I've never asked you to do
any favors before.

Okay?

And so, in less than a year,
I collected dogs,

cats, seven horses, and...

And a milk cow.

That's the most amazing thing
I've ever heard.

Um, where do you keep
all these animals, major?

Oh, in... In barns mostly.

Why, that's amazing.

Is it?
Oh, yeah.

We're really onto something.

Where you going, doctor?

Well, I'm going to start
writing this up.

I haven't told you
about the fish.

Fish?

Yes.

Fine machine you are.

You can't even figure out a date
that happened years ago.

Jeannie was born...

Oh, oh, we did it.
We did it!

Oh, I'm so happy, I'll kiss you.

I sure hope you're
a girl machine.

Well, that's what
happened to me.

That's not so unusual, major.

And then it started
talking to me.

You mean,
it, uh, moved its mouth?

I mean it talked.

What did it say?

Well, it had this high,
squeaky, little voice,

and it said...
It said...

Tony!

Major Healey.

Oh, Dr. Bellows.

I'm busy, Major Healey.

Oh, sorry, just came in

to wish someone
a happy birthday.

Oh, you found
somebody's birthday?

Wonderful.

I'm just as sentimental
as the next man, Major Healey,

but I'm in the middle
of a psychoanalysis.

Would you mind closing the door
behind you as you leave?

Oh, I'm finished telling you
about my dream, sir.

Your dream?

Yes, oh, didn't I tell you?

That was a dream
I had last night.

You mean, you don't have
a compulsion to steal animals?

Well, no, sir.
I mean, I love animals,

but I certainly wouldn't go
around stealing them.

Not Tony.

A dream? Well, excuse me,
stay right here.

Yes.
I'll be right back.

I did it! I did it!
I'm proud of you.

Oh, ERIC and I are probably

the smartest brains
in the world. Oh!

Hey, Jeannie, Jeannie,
did you hear that?

We found your birthday.

Oh, yes, master.
I am so happy.

Oh!

Oh, master, look, look!

Oh, my feet are back,
my feet are back.

Oh, I am so happy.

Oh, thank you,
Major Healey, thank you.

Well, it's really nothing,
Jeannie. It's just, uh...

Are you sure
there's no mistakes?

Mistake?

ERIC and I never make mistakes.

Give us the date.

This will k*ll you.
It was so obvious.

We should've thought
about it in the first place.

When is my birthday,
Major Healey?

All right, I'll give you a clue.

Uh, the month is in the title
of a popular song.

Ugh!

Roge, there's a lot of months
in the title of songs.

Yeah. Okay, I'll give you
another clue.

Uh, it's my favorite month
of the year.

That's all very well,

but I don't know your favorite
month of the year.

Now, come on, stop horsing
around and give us the date.

Well, look, I spent a lot
of time looking for this.

I mean, I got a right
to tell it to you slowly.

Ooh, Major Healey!

All right,
I'll give you another clue.

My grandfather was born
on the same day.

Roger, if you don't
give us the date,

your grandfather is gonna
have a grandson

that was m*rder*d on this date.

I am dying to know.

Okay, boy, you're gonna
love your birthday.

I wish I was born on this date.

What is it?

Uh, Jeannie's birthday is...

When is it? What...? What...?

Oh, uh, General Peterson.

Tony, you were scheduled to go
on a survival mission to Alaska.

Yes, sir, I'll be ready
in a few minutes.

I'm changing your orders.

What for, sir?

Dr. Bellows tells me you're
in the middle of some therapy.

Therapy? Oh, no, sir.

I was just telling him
about a dream I had last night.

It's not just
an ordinary dream, major.

That dream is gonna prove to be
the key to your whole problem.

You'll be going in Tony's place.

Me?

A survival mission to Alaska?

That's right.

There's a B- waiting
for you on the field.

You mean, we're
leaving right away?

Right now!

Well, he can't leave
right now, sir.

May I have a word
with him alone?

There isn't time.

You're going to have
a word with me, major.

Why don't we just lie down
right where we can talk.

And we're going to start
at the beginning.

Uh, remember the friend
we were talking about,

the information you had for him?

Yeah, well, just tell
your friend...

Let's go, major.
We're on a tight schedule.

Sir I...
He can't leave now.

He better leave now!

As you were saying,
you have no problem.

Oh, boy, do I have a problem.

Jeannie!

Jeannie, would you
come out please?

I'd like to talk to you.

Ooh!

Look, I...
I know you're upset,

but I want you to know
it's not my fault.

You tricked me.

I do not believe Major Healey
knows when my birthday is.

Now, tell the truth.

Now, listen, that'll be
enough of that, young lady.

I'll tell you, I'm not gonna
stand for any of this...


I should never have
listened to you.

You lied to me.

Admit it.

Now, knock that off.

It isn't my fault
Roger likes to play games.

Both you and Major Healey
deceived me.

I... I am going to leave here
and find a new master.

Someone who will care about me.

Jeannie, please, would you stop

just a minute and listen to me?

I wasn't lying to you.

We did find out
when your birthday is.

Ah, then when is it?

Major Healey knows.

Now, now, please,

he'll be back in two weeks.

I cannot wait two weeks!

Oh, I would like to turn
Major Healey into a...

A mosquito and put him
into a pond full of frogs.

You know, that's one of the best
ideas you ever had.

Oh.

Don't be unhappy, Jeannie.
Just be patient, hm?

Oh, it is not easy, master.

I know.

Well, now, please
don't do that again.

Please don't do that again.

I got something in my eye.

Huh, oh, let me see.

Now, look up.
All right, look down.

I am sorry if
I was difficult, master.

Oh, that's all right.
I understand.

Here.

Hello, Tony Nelson here.

Hello, Tony?

Oh, hi, Roge.

You see,
our problems are solved.

Oh!

I only got a minute.
We're going out on a mission.

Yeah, but Jeannie's
pretty anxious about this, Roge.

Yeah, I can imagine.

It was funny what happened,
wasn't it? Ha, ha.

Roger, unless you're eager
to become a mosquito

in a pond of frogs,
you better give me the date.

Is it a good month, master?

I don't know.
He hasn't told me yet.

Listen, Jeannie's gonna love
her birthday.

Remember the clue? I said
the month was in a song title?

Ooh, when is my birthday,
master? When is my birthday?

He hasn't told me yet.
He's giving me clues.

Oh, hold on a minute, will ya?

Roger!

Roger!

Oh.

You still there?

Yeah, and it's my favorite
month of the year.

Never mind all that.

Just tell me the date.

Jeannie's birthday is...

Major, major, everything
is ready, let's go.

Yeah, look, I gotta go now.

All right, I'll see you
in a couple of weeks.

Roger... List... Roger.

He's done it again.
I don't believe it.

He's done it again.
Ooh!

Now, what are you gonna do?

I am going to blink
Major Healey here.

Yeah, well, you can't do that.

Watch me, master.

No, I know you can,
Jeannie, but you mustn't.

Now, he's on
a very important mission.

You mustn't pull him off of it.

I want to know when I was born.

Well, he'll be back
in two more weeks.

Two whole weeks.

Look, you haven't known
what your birthday is

for years,

a few days is not gonna
make that much difference.

Huh? Please.

Very well, master.

Good girl.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna give you
a birthday party.

But you do not know
when my birthday is.

Well, it doesn't matter.

You can consider
this one kind of a...

A pre-birthday party, hm?

Oh, that is a lovely idea.
When shall we have it?

Well, um, tonight.

Oh, it will be the first
birthday party I have ever had.

Whom shall we invite?

Yeah, that kind of presents
a problem, doesn't it?

Oh, what problem, master?

Well, for one thing,

my friends don't know
about you, so I can't ask them.

And you don't have
any friends, so...

It'll just be the two of us.

Jeannie, we'll have
a birthday cake,

and we'll have presents and...

I guarantee you,
it'll feel like a party.

Whatever you say, master.

Good, good.

Well, I gotta get going.
I'll be back about : .

Oh, where are you going?

To think up some more dreams
for Dr. Bellows.

Jeannie!

Oh, Jeannie!

Jeannie?

Good evening, master.

Oh.

Do you like
my pre-birthday dress?

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, thank you.
Leonardo da Vinci designed it.

Yeah. Who else?

Oh, here.

Oh, master.
I am going to cry.

We got champagne,
and we have caviar...

and we're gonna have

the most beautiful party
anybody ever had.

Oh, I am so excited.

Oh, and it was such a surprise.

How did you know that
I wanted a birthday party?

Psychic, I guess.

Oh, you are the most wonderful
master a genie ever had.

Well, I haven't had too much
experience with this, Jeannie,

but you're the most wonderful
genie a master ever had.

Oh.

Here.

Oh.

Oh, oh, it is lovely.

Oh, master, thank you.
A little genie bottle.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

I wish we could have
a lot of people at the party.

Would you?

Whee!

Oh, uh, uh, Jeannie,
who are all these people?

Oh, these are just
a few of my friends.

Oh, this is Major Nelson.

Thank you.

Benjamin Franklin.
How do you do, sir?

Cleopatra.
How do you do?

Have you seen Mark Anthony?

Well, not lately.

Excuse us, please.

This is Major Nelson,
Marie Antoinette.

How do you do?
William Shakespeare.

How do you do, sir?

You remind me
of my old friend, Yorick.

Alas, poor Yorick.
I knew him well.

Romeo and Juliet.

I... I beg your pardon, sir.
That's Hamlet.

It was? Oh, well,
Hamlet, Romeo...

when you've written one,
you've written them all.

Yes.

Henry, behave yourself.

Oh, that is perfectly
normal behavior.

This is Major Nelson.
Uh, Sigmund Freud.

Oh, how do you do, sir?

And King Henry VIII.

How do you do, sir?
How do you do, lad?

Uh...

I hope you do not mind, master.

Mind? Of course not.
This is wonderful.

Oh, then I do not have
to send them away?

Oh, no, no, of course...

Oh, there is somebody
I would like to see here.

Um, Jeannie?

Jeannie, don't leave me here
with all these people.

Major Nelson?

Oh, Dr. Bellows.
How are you, sir?

I wasn't expecting you.

Aren't you, uh...?

Benjamin Franklin.

Oh, yes. Well...

Marie Antoinette.

And isn't this
William Shakespeare?

Well, he's not really
the real William...

Oh, and aren't you
King Henry VIII?

Well, I...
Oh, Cleopatra.

You caught me.

Caught you?
Yes, sir.

You're looking at some

of the greatest figures
in history.

Oh, yes.

Sir, I knew this day
was gonna come.

I might as well
tell you everything.

Yes, and after you've told me,

you think that I'm gonna rush
back and tell General Peterson

that you're entertaining
Cleopatra, Shakespeare,

and King Henry VIII?

Yes, well...
No, major.

I don't know why you have
these guilt feelings

about not inviting me
to your costume party,

but we'll settle that at our
next little session, won't we?

Cos...? Costume party?

You know, uh,
some of the costumes

are, uh, quite effective.

Although...

I think you're overdoing
the padding a bit, don't you?

Oh, uh, Mr. Shakespeare?

I've enjoyed your work.

Thank you.

And, uh, who are you
supposed to be?

I am Dr. Sigmund Freud.

Oh, I am a psychiatrist too.

Hm, well, uh,
enjoy your party, major.

Yes.
I'll see you in the morning.

Jeannie.

Je...

Is everything all right, master?

Nothing is all right.

Do you know how close I came

to getting thrown out
of the space program?

Oh, I am sorry, master.

You're sorry. Listen,
get rid of these people.

But you just said that...

Yeah, I know,
but get rid of them.

Oh.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
All except Dr. Freud.

Um, oh, doctor?

May I see you
for just a moment, sir?

Uh, you see, I have
a little problem,

and seeing you're here,

I might as well use
your talents.

I, uh... I'm an astronaut.

And one day, I landed
on this... This...

Well, this deserted island,

and I picked up a genie
out of a bottle

and ever since, I...

I haven't had a night's sleep...

Good morning, master.

Good morning, Jeannie.

Did you sleep well, master?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I was a little excited to sleep.

It's not every day a guy gets
to chat with Cleopatra

and Henry VIII and
Sigmund Freud, huh?

It was a lovely party,
was it not, master?

Well, that it was.

I can hardly wait
for Major Healey to return,

so that I can find out
when my real birthday is.

Hm.
Oh!

It is so exciting to think
that from now on,

I am going to have a birthday
just like everyone else.

Yeah, that's right.

Each year I am going
to be a year older.

That's right.

A year older.

Oh, oh.

Master, look.
Hm?

Look, look, right there,
right there.

There is a wrinkle.
Right... No, no, there.

Oh, that's not a wrinkle.
That's not a wrinkle, Jeannie.

It certainly is a wrinkle.

That was not there yesterday.

I am getting old and wrinkled.

Oh, do you realize
that every year

I am going to be a year older?

Oh, if I had known
that having a birthday

was going to be like this,

I would have never of allowed
you to find out

when my real birthday is.

Oh, this will make me
so nervous, master.

This is terrible.

Why did you allow me to do this?

You are my master.

You were supposed
to take care of me.

After all, I'm only a genie...
Post Reply