02x15 - Jeannie Breaks the Bank

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Tony.

Guess what I just bought.

A new bowling bag.

Very funny.

So are you going bowling
with us tonight?

Oh, I can't, Roger.

Jeannie expects me to be
with her every minute.

She's got a list
of things for me to do

as long as you're arm.

She wants to go to the movies

and plays and the museums

and picnics. I...
That sounds like fun.

Yeah, well, it would be fun
if I had time for it,

but, well, I'm...

I'm scheduled to do

the Lunar Landing Research
Vehicle next month.

Hm. You know
what you should do?

What?
You should get her a hobby.

That would solve
all your problems.

Can you imagine Jeannie
with a hobby?

Hey, wait a minute.
That's not a bad id...

You're brilliant.

Yeah, something that'll
keep her busy hours a day.

Well, I could, uh...

Good morning, master.

Good morning, Major Healey.

Good morning.
Good morning, Jeannie.

Uh, listen, uh,
Tony was just telling me

he's going to try
to get you to take up

some kind of a hobby...
Roger. Roge...

Oh, a hobby?

Have you ever thought
of studying, uh, oh...

designing or sculpture?

Oh, no.

I would not be interested.

Um, uh, dancing?

Uh...
Karate?

Roge.

Isn't there anything
that interests you?

Oh, yes, master.

I am interested
in all those things.

But, if I studied any of them,

I would not be able to spend
all my time with you.

Nice try.
Nice try.

Are you ready to go
to the art exhibit?

No. No, I'm not going
to the art exhi...

I've told you three times,
I can't go.

Oh, but you must.

No, I mustn't.

Now, you've gotta realize
that when I say no, I mean no.

Right.
He has a will of iron.

Yeah.

Yeah, a will of iron, hah.

Jeannie, what...?

Welcome to the art exhibit,
master.

Yeah.

Oh, look, master.

Oh, it is
an original Aunt Sarah.

Yeah.

Mom, I'm tired.
I wanna go.

Shut up and stop whining.

You're gonna have culture
if it kills ya.

I cannot stand to hear people
treat children like that.

Neither can I.

My feet hurt.
Can't we go home?

Do you wanna be ignorant,
like your father?

Ooh!

Jeannie, don't get into this.

Jeannie.

Mom?

Jeannie, come on, come on.

Harold.

Jeannie, why did you turn

that boy's mother into a goose?

Because she was a goose, master.

I could not stand to see
the way she treated him.

There is a very special way
to treat children.

Yeah, I'm sure there is,

but turning a mother
into a goose...

I know everything
about children.

Someday, I am going
to write a book about it.

Yeah, you do that.

It would be the best book
in the whole world.

Do...? Do you really think
you could write a book

about bringing up kids?
Of course, master.

How long do you think it'd take?

Oh, I do not know.

Maybe, hm, three or four weeks.

Three or four weeks, huh?

You wouldn't be able
to do anything else.

I mean, you'd have
to concentrate on it.

Oh, I would not mind, master.

Hm.

Do you really think
I should do it?

Oh, yeah, I...
I do, I... I really do.

Very well, master, I shall.

I am afraid you will
not be seeing much of me

for a while, master.

We all have
to make sacrifices, Jeannie.

Now, take your time.

And don't rush it.

Oh, do not worry, master.

It will be a good book.

You will like it.

I already like it.

Aw.

Master.

Oh, hi, Jeannie.

How's the book?

It is finished, master.

How to Be a Fantastic Parent.

Do you like the title, master?

Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

What about
How to Be a Fantastic Mother?

Oh, that is a splendid idea.

You like it?
Mm.

I do not think I should put
my name on it. Do you?

No. No, I don't think so.
How about...?

Why don't you try Anonymous?

Who is Anonymous?

Well, you can use
any name you want to.

Uh, I've gotta get
to the office.

I'm a little late.
I'll see you later, huh?

Oh, very well, and...
And thank you, master.

For what?

Your splendid title.

Oh, thank you too.

For what, master?

Uh, three weeks' training
on the LLRV.

Oh.

LLRV?

Now... who shall
publish my book?

Let's see.

Ah, "Woodhouse
Publishing Company,

New York City, New York."

I will let them publish my book.

Anonymous.

Aww, that is better.

"Major Anthony Nelson."

Yeah, but Sam Marcus is one

of the best astronauts
in the program.

They really haul him
on the carpet?

That poor devil.

It's from the publisher.

Well, let that be a lesson
to all of us.

I am sure sorry for him,
Roger, but...

Oh, they have accepted

my master's book.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, all we can do
in the future

is just be more careful.

Yeah. I'll... I'll see you
down at the center.

Well, that's a shame.

Wha...? What is a shame,
master?

Oh, one of our best astronauts,
Sam Marcus,

just got himself
in a lot of trouble.

How?

He wrote a magazine article,
didn't clear it.

And that got him
into trouble, master?

Hm? Oh, yeah, sure.

Every time that an astronaut
writes anything

he's gotta clear it
through NASA.

He does?

Yeah, well, sure.

Oh, is...?
Did you get the mail?

Mm-hm.

It's just advertising.

I better get down to the office.

I wanna see how poor old Sam
is gonna make out.

I'll see you tonight.
Yes, master.

Oh, well, who will know?

No one will read
the book, anyway.

It's all set to go, major.
Oh, thanks.

Well, good luck, Tony,

and, look, do a good job, huh?

When we use this flying mattress

to scoot along
the surface of the moon,

we don't want anything
to go wrong.

Huh?

I said, when we, uh...
N-nev... Never mind.

Never mind.

Good luck.
Good luck.

That's what I said.

Hey, it worked.
It worked.

Look at him go.

Is that Major Nelson up there?

Yes, sir.

Hi. It has a perfect checkout.

Couldn't have handled better.
That's great, major.

Oh, major,

there are some reporters
in my office to see you.

Thank you.
Sir?

There are some reporters
in my office to see you.

Oh, they probably
heard about the test.

Shall we go?
Uh, pardon me?

Shall we go?

Oh, yes, yes.

Here.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Major Nelson.

How do you do?

I understand you all wanna

ask me some questions?

Would you explain your theory

about breast-feeding?

In chapter three in your book,
you said that...

How do you feel about getting
a National Baby Award

from the Mothers'
Organization of America?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I-I don't understand
what you are all talking about.

They're talking
about your book, major.

How to Be a Fantastic Mother.

My book?
Mm-hm.

Well, I... I never wrote a...

Wrote a better book in my life.

How does it feel to be
the new Dr. Spock, major?

I'd like to know something more

about your theory
on feeding too. I read that...

It's amazing how,
for one hour and a half,

you managed to say
absolutely nothing.

You're, um, a bachelor,
aren't you, major?

Yes, yes.

Well, I'm a psychiatrist,

and I'm staking my reputation

that this book
was not written by a bachelor.

Doctor, believe me,
it came off my typewriter.

I'm going to give you
a chance to prove it.

Yea... Uh, prove it?
Pro...? How, sir?

Hm.

Do you remember what you said
in, uh, chapter ?

Chapter...?
Chapter ?

Well, no, uh, not...
Not word for word.

Uh, you said
that in one evening,

you could take the most
incorrigible child in the world

and change him
into a loving human being.

Uh, did...?
Did I say that?

I mean... That was in chapter .
Yes, major.

And I happen to have the most
incorrigible child in the world.

Uh, that is,
he belongs to my sister.

He's years old.

He's already gone through three
analysts, of which I was one.

Well, it sounds like, uh,
quite a challenge, sir.

However, I'm afraid
I'm not gonna have time

to work with him.
One evening.

Yes, sir?

You said you could
do it in one evening.

He'll be at your
house tonight, major.

Oh, uh, tonight?
Ahem.

Tonight's it's impossible, sir.

I have to work on the LLRV...

And we're going to have
another press conference.

Where I will tell the reporters
how successful you've been,

or you can explain
that this book is a fraud,

and that you didn't write it.

I needn't remind you
how NASA feels

about astronauts getting
phony publicity, need I, major?

No, no.
You're excused.

Thank you.

Remember Sam Marcus?

Oh, Mother Nelson, I, uh,
just read your book, and I...

Ni... Nice reading.

Jeannie?

Jeannie, I'd like
to talk to you.

Good evening, master.

Oh, hello.

Say, uh, how'd my name
get on that book?

The publisher made a mistake.

No, no, you did.

And you know what
it's gonna cost me?

My job.

Oh, but why, master?

Just because you are
an expert on children...

No, I'm not
an expert on children,

and Dr. Bellows knows that.

Oh, he cannot prove it.

Oh, yes, he can.

He's bringing his nephew
over here tonight,

and from what I'm
led to believe,

his nephew is the youngest
juvenile delinquent on record.

And if I don't make that kid
into a bundle of love

before the evening is out,

I'm finished. Finished.
Over. Finished.

Oh, well, that is easy, master.

I will show you the chapter...
You'll do nothing.

Oh, but, master...
You leave that kid alone.

If that is what you wish.
That's what I wish.

Oh!

How do you get yourself
into these things?

Oh, hello, Dr. Bellows.

Good evening, Major Nelson.

This is my nephew, Richard.

Oh, hello, Richard.

Uh, you look
like a fine young man.

You an astronaut?

Uh, yes, yes.

You wanna be an astronaut
when you grow up?

You think I'm
some kind of a creep?

Uh, tell him what you're going
to do when you grow up, Richard.

I'm gonna join the Mafia.

Um...

Has anybody ever
given him a spanking?

Lots of times, but nobody
ever spanks me more than once.

Oh, is that right?

Oh, yes.

Uh, tell him why, Richard.

'Cause every time
somebody spanks me,

I set fire to somethin'.

You wanna try it?

Uh, no, no, no.

Uh, well, I'll,
uh, just run along

and leave you two to each other.

No, no, you're not gonna...

You have three hours, major.

You're not gonna
leave him him? Doctor?

Uh...

Say, uh, uh...

There, Richard,

I spent a lot of time on that.

Hey, you know, I think
we can work out our problems

by talking and getting
to understand each other, huh?

You seem like
a pretty bright fella.

My uncle, the head shrinker,
says if you don't

straighten me out tonight,

you're in a bunch of trouble.

He say that, huh?

Yeah, and you know somethin'?

What?

You're in a bunch of trouble.

Got anything to eat around here?

Yeah...
Oh, sure, sure.

We got cookies and milk...

Hold this.

Oh, General Peterson.

Tony, forgive me for barging
in on you like this.

That's quite all right, sir.
What can I do for you?

Why, it's about that book you wrote.
Book?

Congratulations.

I had no idea that you that you
knew so much about...

raising children.
It's...

Uh, I really don't know
that much about it, sir. I...

It's just an instinctive
thing, I suppose.

Well, now, don't be modest.

When a book like that

gets to be a bestseller,

there's gotta be
a good reason for it.

Well, uh, I
suppose there is, sir.

Uh, thank you for dropping by
to congratulate me on it.

Well, I didn't come by
just for that, Tony. I...

Well, I have a little
granddaughter, years old.

Uh, she's a nice girl,
but she's terribly shy,

and because of that,
she's withdrawn

in a kind of a protective shell.

It's... It's ruining her life.

We can't even get her
to talk anymore.

Oh, if you help us, Tony,

I certainly would appreciate it.

Well, I... I...
I'd like to try, sir,

but I... I'm really
not qualified...

Dr. Bellows doesn't even believe
that you wrote it.

This time we're really
gonna teach him

a lesson, aren't we?

Yeah.
Gina.

Oh...
Gina.

Oh, uh, this is my little
granddaughter, Gina.

Uh, this is Major Nelson.

How do you do, Gina?

Uh, Gina's gonna have
a birthday party next week...

aren't you, Gina?

Now...
Now, you stay here...

You stay here with Major Nelson.

Oh, wait till Dr. Bellows
hears about this, heh.

I'll see you
in about three hours.

Uh, sir...

And good luck, good luck.

Well, thank you, but I...

Uh, keep it.

Uh, Gina... Gina, why don't you
go upstairs and play, huh?

I'll... I'll be up in just...
Just one minute.

What are ya doin'?

Makin' a mess.

So are you gonna spank me?

Uh, give me those things.

Listen, you shouldn't be...

H-h-how'd you like to, uh...?

To play with a pretty
little girl, huh?

Where is she?

No, I guess that's not
such a good idea, after all.

I want you to clean this place...
Would you stop that?

I want you to clean this place
up, understand?

I'll be back
in about two minutes.

Master.
Oh.

What is it?
Is he not a darling boy?

A darling boy?

That kid wants
to join the Mafia.

You know what?

I don't think they'll take him.

Master, he is not that bad.

Do you know
what I would do with him?

No, but I know
what I'd do with him.

That's against the law.

I've got a kid upstairs
I can't make talk,

and I got a kid in the kitchen
that I can't turn my back on.

Now I gotta keep 'em apart.
Oh.

Hi there.

I brought you something.

How would you like some cookies
and milk, huh?

Oh, say, you're not afraid
of me, are you, Gina?

Yeah, come on, you're...
You're too pretty to be shy.

Anybody ever tell you that?

You're a beautiful young girl.

Uh, do you have
any brothers or sisters?

Hey, I bet you had...

You don't have anybody
to talk to, do you?

Gina, um...

How would you like
to play with a rocket?

Or a...? A...?

A globe?

I... I bet you've
never seen one like this?

It's a real antique.

How about this telescope?

I can show you,
through this telescope,

the Sea of Tranquility.

It's on the moon.

I'm gonna be landing there
one of these days.

Look, Gina...

I'm just trying to help.

Oh.

Look.

Say, look here.

Here's a doll.

Her name is... Heh.
It's Jeannie.

You... You...
You wait right here.

I'll... I'll be back.

What's going on
around here, huh?

It took me three weeks
to make that.

Back to the old drawing board.

Richard.

Come here.

You know, Richard,
you shouldn't touch something

that belongs to somebody else.

Now, I'll tell you what.

I've got the makings for a new
plane out in the patio.

Now, why don't you go out there
and build it, hm?

That's kids' stuff.

Oh, no, it isn't.

It takes quite a bit
of intelligence to build one.

My IQ is .

What's yours?

Forget it.

Well, how are we
getting along, Gina?

Feeling any better, huh?

Wh...? What did we
talk about, hm?

Uh, look, darling, I... I don't
know how to explain this,

but we don't have a lot of time.

You see, I've gotta
get you talking

before your grandfather
comes back to pick you up.

You're a very sweet
young girl, and I...

And I'm sure you have
a lot to say.

All you need is a little
sympathetic understanding.

And believe me,
I'm a sympathetic guy.

Ju... Just...
Just talk to me.

Just say the first thing
that comes into your mind.

I smell smoke.

You see?

You see how easy that was?

I smell smoke.

Wonderful.

Yee... Oh... Well, oh...

Master.
Oh. Later.

You think I'm gonna fall
for an old gag like that, huh?

What do you think you're doin'?

I was making some rocket fuel.

Yeah? Well, stay away
from the stove.

And... And clean
this mess up.

And fix that plane!

Master.
Oh.

If you would read chapter ,
it says here...

Cha...? Read?

I don't have time to read.

My whole life
is going down the drain.

But...
What? No.

Well, have you thought of
any games for us to play, huh?

Huh?

What's the matter, Gina?

I want to go home.

Oh.

That's Dr. Bellows.

I... You just... You just
stay right here, honey.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

I'm back.
Has it been three hours already?

Why, yes, it has.

Yeah, it's amazing
how time will pass

when you're having fun.

Have you been having fun?

A ball. A ba...
Richard's a wonderful kid.

A really wonderful kid.
Uh, Richard?

Sure, oh, yes, yes, yes.

It's... All he needs is
a little understanding.

It's amazing
how much fun you can have

when you understand each other.

We've been having
such a good time,

I was wondering
if he can spend the night.

I could bring him over
in the morning...

Major Nelson.
We could...

Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.

Where is he?
Who?

Uh, oh, Richard.
I'm sorry.

Yes, he's...
Well, he's out on the patio

assembling some model airplanes
we've been working on.

He didn't smash them?

Mm, well, there were a couple
of little accidents.

Nothing important.
Uh, yes.

Uh, may I see him now?

Uh, well,
I'd rather you didn't...

Uh, now, major.

Yeah.

Gentlemen.

Ah, good evening, general.

Yes, yes, general.
How are you, sir?

Good evening.
How is Gina?

Gina?
Oh, wonderful.

Wonderful kid.
Just a charming girl.

Aren't you proud of him, doctor?

I will be as soon as I see
my nephew changed

into a well-behaved
little boy.

Richard?

Uh, doctor...
Uh, general...

You don't have
to say a word, major.

The evidence will speak
for itself.

Intelligent to make
a model as beautiful as that.

I didn't make it.

I just fixed it.

Most girls would think
that's kids' stuff.

Oh, no, I think
it's wonderful.

You do?
Really?

I'm making a rocket at home.
I don't believe it.

Gina's talking.
Come over and see it sometime.

I certainly owe you
an apology, Major Nelson.

How in the world
did you ever do it?

Chapter .

May I see you to your car?

Mm-hm.

Amazing.

How'd you say you did that?

Yeah, read the book, sir.

Oh, I did, I did.

It all seemed so terribly
simple in school.

Good night, major.
Oh, good night, sir.

And thanks...

Oh, yeah.

I-I-I hope
you're happy, master.

Oh, thank you, Jeannie.

Thank you very much.

There's only one problem.

Well, what is that, master?

If you used magic
on those children...

Oh, but I did not.

I did not. All I did
was bring them together.

Yeah, and then what happened?

Oh, you must read
the last chapter, master.

It is about boys and girls.