02x26 - A Secretary is Not a Toy

[bunniefuu]

Master, I have been thinking.

Good, good.

I think it makes me look bad
to have a master who's only a major.

You should be a general.

Yes, at least.

- If I spent time at NASA, I could help.
- Now, wait a minute.

I could tell your general
how important you are-

- Yeah, he would transfer me.
- Oh, no, master.

I would tell him how brilliant-

Just stay away from NASA.
General Peterson's not ready for you.

Oh, good morning, Major Healey.

Good morning, Jeannie,
good morning, Tony.

- Sit down.
- Oh, here's your mail.

What lovely flowers.

Yeah, they're for Miss Perkins.

Who is Miss Perkins?

Well, she's
General Peterson's secretary.

She's retiring today.

No kidding. I didn't know that.

I guess old Stonehead's
gonna find a new secretary.

Oh, that's too bad.
She's a nice lady.

Good secretaries are hard to find.

No, I am not.

I would make a wonderful secretary
for your general.

That's a great idea.
She'd make a great secretary.

It would solve everything.

I would be around
your general all day...

...and when I'm finished,
he'd wanna make you a general.

Jeannie, I don't want you
to go near General Peterson.

- But I get tired waiting around for you.
- Yes, I know you do-

Why don't you watch television?

Hey, that's a great idea.

Let's see, what is today? Oh, here.

There's a movie that starts
in a few minutes, Jeannie.

It's a three-hour movie.
There's two movies just like it after.

But that would take me all day.

By then your general will probably
have hired another secretary.

Jeannie, I want you to promise me
you'll watch them all the way through.

Very well, I promise.

We better get to the office.

Can you imagine her
being a secretary, the chaos...

This way out, please.

Hello, Miss?

Hey, Roge.

Who are all the girls?

The gals that tried out
for Peterson's secretary.

Boy, if those are the rejects,
I'd love to see who he picked.

I wonder if Jeannie's
enjoying her movies.

What I wanted
to talk to you about...

Roge? Roge?

Excuse me, is this
the general's office?

- Yes, it is.
- Oh, I am so sorry...

...it took me so long to get here,
but I had to see that last movie.

I am the general's new secretary.

Well, I'm afraid you're
a little late, honey.

I've already gotten the job.

Oh, but it is very important
that I have it.

You see, it is not so much for me,
but for my master.

Tough luck.

Why don't you just go find yourself
a crying towel?

- A crying towel?
- b*at it. I'm busy.

Will you come in, please?

Right away, general.

Better luck next time, honey.

You may have the job.

Look, don't send me
any more women.

Find me a male secretary, fast.

Oh, who are you?

I am your new secretary,
General Patterson.

Peterson.

I'm sorry, I can't use you.

Oh, but I would be
very valuable to you.

That will be Admiral Billings.

General Peterson, here.

Admiral Billings?

Yeah, put him on.

Hello, Chick.

It's nice to hear your voice.

Yes, I heard there was
gonna be a meeting...

...but nobody's notified me
officially yet.

Oh, Washington.

Sure, I'll make it a point to be there.

Everything is fine here.

We're beginning to get
our Apollo off the ground.

Yeah.

Our next meeting
may be up on the moon.

I know. No such thing
as science fiction anymore.

Well, I'll be looking forward
to seeing you.

Thanks for letting me know.
Goodbye.

I'll tell you what you can do,
until my secretary gets here.

- You can clean up the-
- Oh, I have already done that.

- Well, you can type the-
- They are typed.

- Well, you can straighten up my-
- I have already done it.

This is General Peterson.

Forget about sending me
another secretary.

I found one.

- Thank you, General Patterson.
- Peterson.

Oh, yes, I'm sorry.

You and I are gonna get along
very nicely, Miss...?

- Jeannie.
- Miss Jeannie.

What's your first name?

- Jeannie.
- Jeannie Jeannie?

- That's unusual.
- Yes. Well, I will file these.

Fine. I have an : appointment
with Dr Bellows and-

Major Anthony Nelson.

Oh, is he not wonderful?

I will see to it
that you are not disturbed.

Good morning.
I'm here to see General Peterson.

- I'm Anthony Nelson.
- I know.

What are you doing-?
What are you doing here?

I saw the movies.
Would you like to hear the plots?

- In one of them, this poor cowboy-
- No, get out before Peterson sees you.

Oh, he's already seen me.
I'm his new secretary.

- You're his what, huh?
- Yes.

And now that I am going to be here,
we can have lunch in the cafeteria.

- I love cafeterias.
- You're not gonna be here.

We're not having lunch because you-
Now you go home right now.

- Oh, but I cannot do that.
- Why not?

Because I would lose
my unemployment insurance.

Lose your unemployment insurance-
Dr Bellows.

- How are you, sir?
- Good morning, major.

I don't believe we've met.
I'm Dr Alfred Bellows.

Yes, Major Nelson
is always telling me how-

I hate to be late, sir. I don't think
we ought to keep him waiting.

- You go in, I'll be right there.
- Yeah.

You look very familiar.
Have we met before?

Yes. Remember when you came-

- No.
- Jeannie.

No, now, that I think of it,
I was someone else.

I could swear I know you
from somewhere.

She has one of those faces.
It could fit anybody.

I do not.

I never forget a face.
Perhaps if we had a chat...

...we could remember where.

Are you free for lunch?

In the cafeteria?

- If you like.
- Oh, I would like that.

Fine. I'll pick you up here.
Come along, major.

We don't wanna keep
the general waiting.

- Major?
- Would you make a copy of that?

- Major.
- Yes, sir.

- You are three minutes late.
- I'm sorry. I'm very sorry, sir.

- Well, look that over.
- Yes.

If you see those two formulas
at the top of the page...

...you'll notice one is neutral
and one is acid.

It's very important
to keep that in mind.

I'm sorry. I broke your pencil.
I'll get one from your secretary.

Major, here's a pencil.

- Would you like some coffee, sir?
- No, thank you.

Please, forget about the coffee.

Now, if you'll just
take your diagrams out.

Oh, I think I have them in-

I know I had them.

I suppose I left them
in my office, sir.

- Major.
- Yes?

Go get your diagrams.

Yes, I'm terribly sorry
for the delay. Excuse me.

What's the matter with him?
He seems nervous.

I think he has a reason
to be nervous, general.

What?

Does your secretary
have a security clearance?

Security clearance?

Yes.

This is a very
sensitive base, general.

I know I've seen that girl before.

But she denies it. Why?

Where did she come from?

What is she after?

I'm gonna take her to lunch today.

And I'm gonna get some answers.

- And if she doesn't talk?
- I'm a psychiatrist.

Yeah, that's right.

Yes, yes, that's right, pm.

I will tell him. Bye-bye.

- I have taken my first phone message.
- Good.

- What is it?
- I forgot to ask who was calling.

Jeannie, has Dr Bellows
ever seen you before?

- Well, yes.
- When?

Remember, he came into the kitchen
once when I was preparing your dinner.

I do not know what gave him
that silly idea...

- ... but he thought that you and I were-
- Were gonna get married, yeah.

- Well, you can't have lunch with him.
- Oh, but why not?

Look, he's only seen you once.
If he spends any time with you...

...he'll know you were
the girl in my kitchen.

Do not worry, master.
I will outsmart him.

Outsmart him? No, no.
That's the one thing you mustn't do.

You mustn't try to outsmart him.
He's a psychiatrist. It's his job to-

- Did you get the diagram?
- Yes, I have it here.

- We're still having lunch, aren't we?
- In the cafeteria.

- I am looking forward to it.
- So am I. So am I.

- Major.
- Yes, yes, sir, I'll be right there.

Here we are.

- This is so exciting.
- Exciting?

Yes.

I'm not allowed out of
the house very often.

- You're not?
- No.

And, you know, it gets so tiring
watching three movies on television.

Of course, the plot
to the second one was lovely.

It was about this boy and girl
who were engaged.

- And the mother objected-
- Engaged. That's it.

Now I remember.

Weren't you
and Major Nelson engaged?

I hardly know Major Nelson.

I see.

- Tell me, where are you from?
- Where am I from?

Yes. Where were you born?

Where was I born?

You must have been born somewhere.
You know where you were born?

Oh, of course, of course,
in I-oh-ho.

I- oh-ho?

Oh-I-Oh-Wa?

Oh-I-Oh-Wa what?

Chicago.

Oh, yes.

Lovely city.

Tell me, what part of Chicago
did you live in?

The lake section?

No, no, the mountains.

The mountains?

Did you ever climb to the top...

- ... of Mount Chicago?
- Oh, yes.

- We used to do it all the time.
- Did you?

Fascinating.

Tell me, what business
was your father in?

- He was a used camel salesman.
- I beg your pardon?

A used car salesman.

Oh, very interesting.

- I like this.
- Well, so do I.

It may turn out to be the best lunch
I've ever had in my whole life.

Tell me more about yourself.

May I?

Oh, I love to talk about myself.

When I was a little girl in Chicago...

...my mom and dad and I
could never go away for weekends.

We loved to climb Mount Chicago,
but Dad had to stay to feed the camels.

The cars.

Mama used to pack this marvellous
lunch in a wicker basket.

- Hi, Al.
- Tony.

You got to see the new dish
in General Peterson's office.

- What about dinner tonight?
- Wait a minute, I asked her first.

Come on, you guys.

- I'm sure you all have work to do.
- You'll have to get in line.

Gentlemen, I'm sure this young lady
has some work to do.

- You have some work, don't you?
- Yes, yes, I do.

- I better get back to work. Fine.
- Tomorrow?

I will see you all later.

- I'm going to take you up on that.
- All right.

- Bye-bye.
- Thank you very much.

Bye.

They are all so friendly.

Yes, aren't they?
What about lunch?

- Lunch.
- Oh, well, it was wonderful.

We had roast beef with mash potatoes
and gravy, green beans-

I don't care what you had.
I'm not interested in the menu.

- What did two talk about?
- You do not have to worry, master.

He was like a child in my hands.

He wasn't suspicious?

Oh, not anymore.

- He was at first.
- Yes.

But then, I told him that my father
was a used car salesman in Chicago.

- From then on, it was easy. Yes.
- Really?

- I had him eating out of my hand.
- Yeah.

That's wonderful. But I don't think
we ought to take chances.

- You better pop out and go home.
- No.

- No?
- No.

Not until I've had General Peterson
promote you to a general.

I'm not interested
in becoming a general.

Of course you are.

And you do not have to worry
about Dr Bellows.

He will be no problem at all.

Long distance?

This is Dr Alfred Bellows
of Cape Kennedy.

Let me speak to the CIA
in Washington.

Tony.

Oh, Ton-
Do I have news for you.

Guess who General Peterson's
new secretary is?

- Jeannie.
- J- You knew?

Yeah, but it's only temporary.

What does that mean?

It just means General Peterson
is gonna have a new secretary.

You're gonna make her quit?

I'm not gonna make her do anything.
She's gonna wanna quit.

- You should write a book.
- I'll see you later.

I've gotta get this plan into action.

- Hello, Jeannie.
- Hello, master.

You came to watch me work?

No, I came to tell you
some very exciting news.

Really?

What happened?

Oh, master.
The stars of a general.

- Yes, I just got the news.
- Oh, that is wonderful.

And I hardly mentioned you at all
to General Patterson- Peterson.

Well, he must've
gotten the message.

- He has a very fast mind.
- Oh, I am so happy.

Now I can hold my head up
in front of all those other genies.

Yeah, I thought you'd be pleased.

You can tell Gen. Peterson that he's
gonna have to get a new secretary.

I will. I will.

- General Anthony Nelson.
- Yeah.

- That sounds wonderful.
- Jeannie.

- Hello, Tony.
- Sir.

Make five copies of those.
I'd like them in the afternoon mail.

Oh, yes, sir.

Why, major?

- I'm glad you asked me that, sir.
- Oh, but it is not major. It is general.

General Anthony Nelson.
Did they not tell you?

No.

- Did they tell you?
- No, sir. No, sir.

I can explain, sir.

I was impressing the girl.
You know how it is...

...a beautiful girl and stars on
the shoulder, it's very impressive.

When you were young, you wanted-
It was just a practical joke.

Next time you try a joke like this...

...you'll be headed straight
for a court marshal.

Take those stars off, major.

So you are not a general.

You- You tried to trick me,
so that I would quit my job.

Well- Well now-

Now I'll never quit.

Not until you are
a full bird general.

What do you want?

Come in.

- Dr Bellows.
- Yes?

Amos Lincoln, CIA.

Oh, hello, Mr. Lincoln.

- Sit down, won't you.
- Thank you.

I couldn't get here sooner. Our flight
from Washington was delayed.

You flew in from Washington?

Oh, you really needn't
of bothered, Mr. Lincoln.

I was only making a routine inquiry
about one of our employees.

It may have started out
as a routine matter, doctor...

...but it's on the top priority list
of half a dozen government agencies.

I don't understand.

First of all, there's no record
of a Miss Jeannie Jeannie...

...having been born in Chicago.

I knew it.

Or anywhere else
in the United States.

You mean she's an alien?

Well, if she is, she's here illegally.

The Immigration Dept. has no record
of her ever having entered the country.

The Dept. of Health, Education
and Welfare has no social security.

And the Air Force
has no security clearance...

...on Miss Jeannie Jeannie.

The FBl is investigating it
for a possible sabotage angle.

You beginning to get the picture?

That's incredible.

Doctor, I've been with the Bureau
for years, and this is the first time...

...we haven't been able to turn up
one single statistic on a person.

For all we've been able to find out,
she might've sprung up out of thin air.

- She must of come from somewhere.
- That's right.

Don't worry, doctor.

Before we're through, we'll tell you
everything about that girl.

- Gotta talk to you.
- Look at this.

General Gillian and his wife
are sponsoring a ball for the orphans.

Boy, some of those generals' wives.

- Roger, we're in trouble.
- We're in trouble?

- I mean, I'm in trouble.
- Oh, you.

The CIA is here.

- The CIA is here?
- That's right.

Every department and agency
in the United States Government...

...is after Jeannie.

What happened to your plan?
Didn't it work?

No, it backfired.

If they get her, they're gonna have
her life story in two minutes. And mine.

Your only chance
is to get her out of here.

Don't you think I've tried that?
She won't go.

She's staying here because she thinks
she's doing me some kind of a favour.

I've got it. I've got it.

Last time you got it,
you really had it.

I'm gonna need your help.
Now, I want you to listen carefully.

You know those pictures
in your drawer of the girlfriends?

The drawer pictures, yeah.

Jeannie?

- Hello, master.
- Hello.

You are not angry with me?

Angry with you? No.
In fact, I'm grateful to you.

You are?

Well, what have I done?

It's not what you've done.

It's what you're gonna do.

General Anthony Nelson.

I thought you did not
want to be a general?

No, Jeannie, I must've been
out of my mind.

Do you realize
what this means to me?

I'm gonna be the youngest general
in the United States Air Force.

Yes.

That's gonna be a pay hike,
power, more prestige-

Oh, I knew you would
change your mind.

- How soon can you arrange it?
- Oh, right away.

- This afternoon?
- Good, good, good. That's wonderful.

Now...

Now, you better give me
a couple of days.

- I have a few things to clear up first.
- What?

Well, I just-
I have a few things to clear up first!

- Everything's all set.
- Oh, good.

Listen, I thought you could take
Eloise out to breakfast.

- You could take Edna out to lunch.
- Yeah.

And you could just pick one
of these beauties here for dinner.

Any one of those.

- Yeah.
- Juanita.

I'll take her out to dinner, and we'll see
which one of these will do.

Which one of these will do what?
Who are they?

One of these girls
is gonna be my wife.

- Your wife?
- Isn't that great?

Tony told me you arranged
to have him made general...

...and everybody knows
a general has to be married.

So I brought over a few pictures here.
A few of the eligible girls in town.

Generals have to be married?

Oh, yes, yes.
That's one of the rules.

Now...

What have I done?

- Master?
- Now, about Juanita...

In order to be a general,
you must have a wife?

Oh, yeah. That's right, Jeannie.

You cannot marry any of these girls.

Why not?
They're really all quite nice.

You don't have to worry.
I'm gonna pick a good one.

Well, I think I have made a mistake.

You are much too young
to be a general.

I am?

Would you be terribly upset
if you were not a general?

Well, I don't know.
I had my heart set on it, Jeannie.

- If you don't think it's a good idea-
- Oh, it is a terrible idea, master.

- All right, then I won't.
- Oh, thank you.

- Go home and fix dinner. I'll be there-
- No, master. Please let me stay.

- No, I'd rather you go home.
- I wanna play secretary.

No, now, really. Now.

Very well.

- I did it. I did it.
- You did? I did it.

- I was helping. I brought the pictures.
- You were great!

I told you, when she
saw those pictures, she'd flip.

One picture is worth
a thousand words.

You sure fooled her, boy.

- Well, you're still the old master.
- Yeah.

- God, I hated to do it-
- We're looking for Jeannie.

- Have you seen her?
- Jeannie?

Miss Jeannie.
The girl that was just here?

- She's gone.
- When will she be back?

I don't think she's coming back.

- Right.
- Well, we'll find her.

You're wearing
sergeant stripes, major.

What are you doing
in these sergeant stripes?

- Would you mind explaining that?
- Yes.

Whose side are you on?

Sir, actually-

Well, I have this girlfriend,
and she sometimes just doesn't...