02x28 - My Master, Napoleon's Buddy

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Jeannie.

Jeannie.

- Good morning, master darling.
- Good morning, Jeannie.

Are you ready for breakfast?

No, I'm gonna have to skip breakfast
this morning. I'm giving a lecture.

The kind you always give me?

No. No, this is on m*llitary strategy.

Oh, that sounds exciting.

What does it mean?

Milita- Oh, it's...

Well, we study ancient battles.

How they were planned, the mistakes
that were made, and so forth.

What are you going to talk about?

I'll be talking about
the Napoleonic Wars...

...and Waterloo
and the Russian invasion.

I've never heard of them.

You're not interested in history?

History is so dull, master.

Dull? The Napoleonic Wars, Murat...

...Madame Pompadour...

...Marie Antoinette saying to the
peasants, " Let them eat cake".

- You call that dull?
- Did she say that at Waterloo, master?

No. No. No, Jeannie.

At Waterloo, Wellington
defeated Napoleon Bonaparte.

Oh, I have heard of Napoleon.

Oh, really. I should hope so.

As a matter of fact, there is a picture
in here somewhere.

Yeah, here. There.
There's a picture of him.

Why does he have his hand
in his jacket, master?

Well, I don't know...

Anyhow, he was one of the greatest
generals that ever lived.

He saved France and started
to bring democracy to all of Europe.

And then what happened?

Well, he was-
He was badly advised.

He trusted a general
named Pichegru.

And this Pichegru
later tried to k*ll Napoleon.

I think it was he that
persuaded Napoleon...

...that he could conquer
the whole world.

I wish I could have
just one hour with Napoleon.

Well, I'll see you.

Jeannie, what are you doing?

Look at all
the lovely dresses, master.

Yes. Yes.

There's Napoleon.
That's Napoleon Bonaparte.

Yes, of course, you said you wished
to spend an hour with him, master.

- Yes. I didn't know...
- Talk.

- ... I could do it now.
- You have no medals.

I don't need any medals.

Well, thanks.

- Lovely.
- Jeannie, Jeannie...

...this is going too far.
Just leave me one.

- No, master.
- No, I mean it, one.

Thank you, Jeannie. You know, this is
the greatest thing you've ever done.

I can change the whole course
of history.

Well, enjoy yourself, master.

I will go around and explore the palace
and look at the dresses.

Oh, master, there's a lovely one.
Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

Pardon me, I don't mean to intrude.

My name is Major Anthony Nelson.

You don't know me.
I certainly know you.

You're The Little Corporal.

Execute him!

Wait. Wait now, please.
Take it easy.

I- I don't mean to offend you, sir.

Everybody calls you
The Little Corporal.

Those who do regret it.

I have some very
valuable information.

The fate of Europe may depend
on your listening to me.

The fate of Europe?
Who sent you to me?

Well, no one sent me.
I came with a friend.

Well, as a matter of fact, I was about to
deliver a lecture on you this morning.

A lecture? What is this?

- Pichegru, get rid of him!
- At once, sire!

Pichegru?

I wouldn't do that
if I were you, Mr. Napoleon.

This man is about
to assassinate you.

General Pichegru?

Take him out of here!

- Hold on a minute.
- Wait, wait, wait!

This man amuses me.
I want to speak to him alone.

- Nappy.
- My dear.

I don't believe we've met.

Major...?

Nelson. Major Anthony Nelson.

You're the Empress Josephine,
aren't you?

Oh, I love that speech you made
about, " Let them eat cake. "

- That was very kind of you.
- That's Marie Antoinette.

Well, I am sorry.
I was never very good at history.

Come, major, tell me some more
of those funny stories.

Oh, yes.

- Is he not wonderful?
- Who is he?

Oh, Major Nelson is an expert
on m*llitary strategy.

- He is?
- Oh, yes.

He has some wonderful advice
for Napoleon Bonaparte.

About what?

- It has something to do with w*r.
- w*r?

Well, Major Nelson,
who sent you to me?

No one sent me to you, sir.

You see, I-
I lecture on m*llitary strategy at...

Well, never mind, it's- It's...

Where did you hear this rumour
about General Pichegru?

It's not a rumour, sir. It's history.

- History?
- Yes. Yes.

Oh, at least it will be.

What I mean is
you don't have to worry.

He will try to k*ll you
but you're gonna have him strangled.

Strangled? You amuse me.

Well, thank you very much.

I can't tell you what a thrill it is
to meet you.

I mean, well...

You don't meet someone everyday...

...who's devised a legal code
that's used all over the world.

- A legal what?
- The Code Napoléon.

Your code for abolishing
imprisoning men for debt...

...ending sl*very...

...protecting women's claims
on property.

Those are excellent ideas.

You thought of them, sir.
At least you will.

You are a fortuneteller?

- No, no, no, no. I'm a-
- Or a spy?

Yeah, a fortuneteller, yes.
That's right.

Well, major. Tell me about the future.

All right, sir. I can tell you...

...just about anything
you'd wanna know.

What year is this?

You're a fortuneteller,
you don't know the year?

Well...

It's .

Get rid of it.

Get rid of what?

The republic. You've been thinking of
changing the republic into an empire.

- Who gave you that information?
- Well, that's not important, sir.

The important thing is
you shouldn't do it.

Don't listen to Pichegru. If you try to
conquer Europe, you're going to fail.

What else do you know
about my plans?

Well...

These are your brothers,
aren't they?

Oh, yes, you're going to turn
the Batavian Republic...

...into the Kingdom of Holland, and
you'll give it to your brother, Louis.

- And...
- That's an excellent idea.

...you're gonna turn
Hanover and Prussia...

...over to your brother, Jerome,
and call it...

What was it? Westphalia.

Westphalia.

And Joseph is going to get the
Bourbon throne of the Two Sicilies.

Why not? You're a genius.

But what I really wanna warn you
about is Russia.

- What about Russia?
- The Russian campaign's a mistake.

What Russian campaign?

You're going to att*ck it.

att*ck Russia? Are you mad?

You mustn't go through with it.

If you att*ck Russia, you'll suffer
one of the worst defeats in history.

- Napoleon, defeated?
- Yes.

I'm coming to that.

You're coming to what?

Waterloo.
Don't fight Wellington there.

If you do, you'll-
You'll end up being sent to Elba.

Never mind Elba.

So you think it will be a mistake for me
to turn Europe into an empire?

A disaster.

I must think about this.

Well, you'll never regret
talking to me, sir.

We will talk again later.
Join the others.

There's plenty of food and drink.

Yes, yes. I've been
meaning to ask you about-

These wool uniforms.

Tell General Pichegru
I want him immediately.

att*ck Russia.

It would be an insanity.
The man is mad.

Mad, or a spy?

- But who would've sent him?
- Russia, of course.

I've been thinking of Russia.

The hungry iceberg waiting
to destroy an unwary army.

Suddenly this clumsy spy comes
to me and tells me not to att*ck it.

Well, why would Russia
send him here to tell you that?

For only one reason,
my dear Pichegru.

It could be that the iceberg
is not as terrifying as it seems.

Russia must have something to fear.

And it could only have something
to fear if it's vulnerable.

We will att*ck!

And it shall be my greatest victory.

As you wish, sire.

And what shall we do with the spy?

It certainly is a pleasure
meeting you.

Of course.

I've read a great deal about you.

But I must say you're much more
beautiful than your paintings.

- Am I?
- Yes.

Master.

May I speak with you
a moment, please?

- Master?
- Yes. Yes, it's a pet name.

Would you excuse me, please?

I beg your pardon.

Jeannie, I'm busy.

- So I see.
- What do you want?

You wish to change
the course of history?

- Yes.
- Well I think you have done it.

- What?
- You just talked Napoleon...

...into attacking Russia.

He thinks you're a spy.
He's going to k*ll you.

No, I'm sure you misunderstood him.

- Yes, he is.
- I had a long talk with him.

He was very amenable to everything.

Fellas, wait. Wait a minute.

- You are new?
- Oh, no, no, no. I am old.

I mean you are new at my court?

Oh, yes, sir. But, of course,
it is a very old court.

- You are very beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.

What is your name, my child?

- Jeannie.
- Jeannie?

I would like to see you and talk to you
and get to know you better.

And perhaps, we could
meet later tonight?

I am afraid not.

A friend of mine
is in terrible trouble.

- I could get your friend out of trouble.
- No, thank you.

But you are going to be much too busy
worrying about Russia.

Hey, I'm a major.

You can't go around hitting an officer.
What's the matter with you?

Get in there.

What time is his:

Dawn.

Sorry, madam. No visitors.

I am sorry I am late, master.

Your friend, Napoleon Bonaparte,
wanted to talk with me.

- Yes.
- He asked me to return later.

Well, are you ready
to go home, master?

We can't go now.

Oh, of course we can, master.

No. No, I mean we can't go and leave
Napoleon in the lurch like this.

But he thinks you are a spy.
He will not listen to you.

Yeah, that's right.

Jeannie.

- You can make him listen.
- I?

Yes. Didn't you say
he wanted you to return?

- Yes.
- Did he seem interested in you?

Well...

Yes, but you are the only man that I-

- I want you to go back to his palace.
- Oh, but why?

You've got to convince him
that if he starts a w*r...

...it's gonna lead to a catastrophe.
Can you do that?

But I do not know anything
about w*r, master.

Yeah, but you know something
about men.

I do?

I want you to flatter him.
He has a tremendous ego.

You've- You've got to make him think
that all of this is his idea.

Jeannie...

...this is a tremendously
important mission.

Oh, master.

Are you choosing me
for this mission...

...because I am the only one
in the world who can do it?

I'm choosing you for this mission
because there's nobody else here.

Go to the palace.
Go to work on him.

Go to work on him. Yes, master.

And do not worry.
I will handle it brilliantly.

And remember, be subtle.
He's got to think it's his idea.

I am probably the most subtle genie
in the whole world.

That's my girl.

- What does subtle mean?
- Go!

Our troops will march in
through here.

Towards the soft underbelly of
Europe and into the Caucasus.

No, Pichegru.
I have changed my mind.

But why?

Russia sits on Europe
like a sleepy bear...

...ready to devour anything
that comes near it.

Only a fool would att*ck.

Then what do we do about
this Major Nelson, the spy?

We have no proof
that he was sent by Russia.

I am back.

Oh, what a pleasant surprise.

You have met General Pichegru.

This is Mademoiselle Jeannie.

You're the one who is going
to try to k*ll Napoleon.

And he is going
to have you strangled.

But she's outrageous, sire.

But so beautiful.

Pichegru, would you excuse us?

You- You would not
change your mind?

No, call all the plans off.

As you command, sire.

I thought you were not coming.
You said you had to help a friend.

But I am helping him.
That is why I am here.

I don't understand.

Major Nelson sent me here
to work on you.

- To work on me?
- Yes.

But he said that I must be subtle.

What does subtle mean?

It means honest.

It means you must tell me
everything Major Nelson said.

Well, he said that
it was very important...

...that I try to talk you out of
attacking Russia.

But that you must think
that it is your own idea...

...because you have
a tremendous ego.

Is that subtle enough?

Indeed it is.

I knew I could do it.

So he's trying to trick Napoleon
into not declaring w*r.

Any fool can see
that the bear is sleeping.

Waiting to fall into the hands
of an invading army.

Nothing shall stop me.
Thank you, my dear.

Oh, you are welcome.
What did I do?

You have reminded me
of France's glorious destiny.

Nothing shall stop France
from ruling the world.

Arrest this woman.

Am I going to the Bastille?

- I'm afraid so.
- Oh, thank you.

Come along.

Thank you.

Thank heavens you're back,
Jeannie.

I knew you could do it.

I said to myself, "What went wrong?"

Nothing, master. I was very subtle.
I told him everything.

- You- You told him everything?
- It is all fixed.

It's all fixed?

Napoleon has decided
not to att*ck Russia.

Good girl.

He's going to att*ck
a big bear instead.

- You're kidding.
- May we go home now, master?

No. What am I gonna do?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I got one last chance.

I've got to get to Josephine.

Oh, believe me, master.
She's much too old for you.

She's the only one
Napoleon will listen to.

Now, if I could just talk to her.
Yeah, I'm sure she'll help.

Master, would it not be much
simpler if we just went home?

No, we can't leave him like this.

Can you get Josephine here?

- If that is what you wish.
- That is what I wish.

Thank you.

You have five minutes.

I received a message that you wished
to see me about my husband.

The messenger said
it was life and death.

Yes, he's absolutely right.

Your husband is about to make
a terrible mistake.

Now, you've got to stop him
from attacking Russia.

I do not mix
in His Majesty's m*llitary affairs.

If you don't use your influence,
he will wind up on Elba.

- Elba?
- The island where they'll exile him.

You're joking.

Of course, you won't be there.

- He'll be married to Louise, but still I-
- Louise?

He's going to escape from Elba,
raise an army...

...and fight Wellington at Waterloo.
Believe me, he's going to lose.

Who is this Louise?

Well, that's not important.

What's important is that you
convince him not to go into battle.

How long has he known her?

- Who?
- Louise!

Gosh, I don't know.
Will you talk to Napoleon?

No.

No? But you're the only chance
I have.

Don't you love him?

I love him more than life itself.

But how do I know that anything
you're saying is true.

Can you prove that they are
going to exile him to Elba?

No, I can't prove it. I-

Perhaps if you can tell me
who this Louise is...

...I could find out
whether you are lying...

...or whether you really know
what's going to happen.

You- You mean,
if I could show her to you...

- ... you'd believe me?
- Perhaps.

Her name is Marie Louise...

...and she's the daughter
of the empress of Austria.

He has never mentioned her to me.

Do you think you can find her?

Don't worry. I'll find her.

Thank you very much.
You haven't a moment to lose.

- Are you finished, Your Majesty?
- Yes. For now.

- Master. How did it go?
- Oh, just fine.

I think I finally found a way
to persuade Josephine...

...that I'm telling the truth.
We can help Napoleon now.

- Do you know what I think, master?
- What?

That I should've let you go
to your lecture this morning.

Did you find her?

But first, I want to be very sure
of what you've told me.

This Marie Louise of Austria
and my husband are in love...

...and they are going to be married?

Yes. Oh, yes. They're madly in love.

Bring her in!

Hi, dear.

Who is this? Is she-

This is the Princess Marie Louise
of Austria.

Take her away.

Happy guillotine, monsieur.

Hey, wait. Wait a minute.

I made a mistake.
I got the dates mixed up.

If you just wait years, I assure you,
they're gonna be married. Happily!

Master. When I was at the palace,
I saw the most beautiful dresses.

- I'd love to have a new dress.
- Is that all you think of?

You never take me to Paris, master.

While we are here,
let me get one new dress.

- Forget the dresses-
- I'll be back in a few minutes.

Yeah, but...

Jeannie, you can't leave me now.

They're gonna come for me
any minute.

I'm not kidding, they're gonna cut
my head off. Now, come on back!

Major Anthony Nelson, by the order
of the Emperor of France-

- You're bringing a pardon.
- Right.

- I knew it.
- But...

Yes. Yes.

First you are being guillotined!

Now, let's go!

I've warned you about k*lling majors.

I happen to be in the mil-
Now wait a minute!

- Move! Move!
- Hey!

Just a minute. Listen,
I wanna see a lawyer.

Come on, monsieur.

- Up! Up! Up!
- Where do you think you are?

Believe me, monsieur.
It'll be over in less than a minute.

I'm not interested in your timetable.
I demand to see Napoleon Bonaparte.

You are really not in a position
to demand anything, are you?

Take him, executioner!

Now! We'd like to see you die.

Hey. Hey, you, come here.
Listen.

You're making a big mistake, fella.
I'm on detached duty to NASA.

Down! Down!

Monsieur, do you have
any last words?

Just one.

Jeannie!

Jeannie! Jeannie!

Jeannie, get me out of here.

Jeannie, where are you?

Look at it, master.
Is it not beautiful?

Oh, yes, it's just gorgeous.

Now, would you mind taking
this thing off of me.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Would you mind-
Here, the ropes too.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Jeannie, can't you do
anything right?

Oh, I am sorry, master.
But, after all, I am only human.

What are you writing, master?

Just a minute.

There. Read it.

"Able was I ere I saw Elba. "

Well, what does it mean?

Oh, well, when you spell it
backwards...

...it comes out exactly the same.

"Able was I...

...E-R- I saw. "

- It does.
- Yes.

Oh, you are a genius, master.

No. You know, I'm-

I'm glad we took that trip before
I gave that lecture on Napoleon.

Are you? Why?

Well, I was wrong about one thing.

You remember I said that
Napoleon was a great general...

- ... but he had bad advice?
- Yes, master.

Well, I was wrong there.
He had- He had great advice.

He just wouldn't listen.

What is wrong, master?

Oh, it's these darn wool uniforms.

Yeah. Yeah, right-
Right, below the shoulder blade.