03x01 - Fly Me to the Moon

[bunniefuu]

We really should
wait for Tony, sir.

He should be here any minute.

Major Nelson has exactly
three minutes.

If he isn't here, we'll start
the procedures without him.

Yes, sir.

Couldn't we delay it
a little while, doctor?

Two minutes, Major Healey.
But, doctor...

Jeannie!

Jeannie!

Good morning, master.

Uh, Jeannie,
you let me oversleep.

I-I told you we were gonna have
a dry run of a spaceshot today.

Well, I woke on time, but I...

I dreamed that we were married,

and I could not resist
going back for the honeymoon.

Get me to the base,
would you, please?

Now?
Yes, now.

Oh, very well.

It's not like Tony
to be late, sir.

Major, we're gonna start.

Oh, uh, Dr. Bellows.

Uh, would you like some
breakfast, sir?

Five, four, three, two...

You're home, Sam.

This is Cap-Com Control
signing off.

Yeah. Perfect.

Hi, Tony.
Hello, major.

Take him down.
Oh, hello, doctor.

How'd it go at your end?

An unqualified success,
Major Nelson.

Your protégé is green for go
for the real thing tomorrow.

I'm certain Sam appreciates
your contribution.

Well, I didn't join
the, uh, astronaut program

to become a radio
announcer, sir.

I was hoping NASA would put me
in the driver's seat.

Well, I'm with Tony.

We're the senior astronauts
on this project.

And who gets to make
the first sh*t? Sam.

I mean, it isn't fair.

Now, don't be bitter, gentlemen.

If you really wanted first cr*ck
at this mission, why, you...

You should
have been more selective

in choosing parents.

It's all a matter of heredity.

Well done, Sam.

All right, uh, Sam,

press the green one.

- Hey.
- Good boy.

Good boy, Sam.

There's something wrong
with this.

I'm gonna have to check it.

I'm gonna have to
get a technician

to take a look at this panel.

Hurry up, will ya, Tony?

Everybody else has
gone for lunch.

Master!

Oh!

Jeannie!

Oh, thank heavens.

Oh, for a minute,
I thought that...

What are you doing here?

I told you never
come to NASA. Never.

But it is important, master.

You said I could come
if it was an emergency.

Well, what happened?
What's the matter?

I got lonely.

You got lonely?!

You got lonely?!

Why do we not go to a movie
this afternoon?

Because Roger and I have
a lot of work to do.

Now, get out,
and I mean it. Now.

Hey!
Look what Sam's doing.

Yeah?
Oh, uh, S-Sam.

Sam, please, now, don't
touch any of the buttons

until I give you
the orders, huh?

Red for red,
and green for green, okay?

Don't worry. He'll be all right
when the time comes.

Yeah, but what good is it?
He can't make any decisions.

We might as well
have a robot up there.

I will buy lunch.

I know a wonderful
little restaurant

along the banks of the Nile.

Really?
Well, I'm starved. I...

Roger, we've got work to do.

Lots of work to do.

Oh, uh, Major Nelson, I was...

Doctor. Uh...

Insha'Allah, effendi.

Um...

who was that?

The water boy.

Yes.

Come along, Sam.

We have a lot of work to do.

Whew.

Was that not brilliant, master?

He did not suspect a thing.

No.

He probably just thought
you were one of the regular,

run-of-the-mill
NASA Arabs.

Goodbye, Jeannie.

No lunch?

No lunch.

Dr. Bellows is expecting
too much out of this.

What do you mean?

Even if Sam does
his job properly,

we're gonna get
limited information.

What Orbiter needs
up there is a man.

Well... let's stop dreaming
and get back to work.

We don't have a man,
we've got a monkey.

Master.

Jeannie, please.

Where shall I go?

Where does any woman go?

Spend the day
at the beauty parlor.

Very well, master.

Jeannie.

Mm.
Yes, master?

Please.

Goodbye, master.

You've done very well
this morning, Sam.

Here's a reward for you.

Now, Sam...

the next test we're gonna...

Sam?

Sam?!

Look, I-I...
That wiring's loose.

I think we'd better get
an electrician in here.

Uh...

I don't think we ought
to fool around with it.

Hold on.
I got an idea.

Give me... Give me
the screwdriver, will ya?

Mm-hm.

Hi.

Oh, hi.
That was fast.

Um, there's something wrong
with the signal switch.

Would you look at it, please?

Sure.

Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

Here's a nice banana for you.

Now, you've got to be
in this room somewhere.

Yeah, you're new around here,
aren't you?

Mm.
Hm?

Where...?
Where are you from?

The Cameroons.

Equatorial West Africa.

That's where I was born
and raised as a kid.

No kidding.

Yeah.

And then my...
My whole family got captured.

Captured?

Wire ends.

Sam is irreplaceable.

You are not.

I want you to find that chimp.

Oh, I will, general.
I will.

And I think I know
just where to look.

I said to myself,
if I were a chimpanzee,

where would I go?

And what did you decide?

I'd go to where Major Nelson is.

Major Nelson?
Yes, sir.

My theory is
that Sam has gone in search

of his mother substitute.

And Tony Nelson is
Sam's mother substitute.

That's right, general.

After all, Major Nelson has
worked very closely with Sam.

Sam's animal instincts
told him...

that he was being
placed in jeopardy.

And he felt an overwhelming need

for the warmth and comfort
of the maternal bosom.

How does that sound to you, sir?

It sounds to me as though
you've been seeing

too many jungle pictures.

Find Sam.

Um...

I-I-is that gonna
take you long, uh...

Sam.

Sam.

You wouldn't like
another electrician

to help you, would you?

I'm no electrician.
I'm a scientist.

A scientist, huh?

Yeah. It's a beautiful
success story.

I'm the first scientist
in our family.

One of my brothers made it big
in show business.

Maybe you saw him
on The Jerry Lewis Show.

Mm, no, I...

I don't think
I caught it. Uh...

Y-you're gonna...

You're gonna be able to, uh,

put that back together,
aren't you?

Uh, will you
excuse me, please?

Hello, Major Nelson here.

Oh, hello,
Dr. Bellows.

Huh?

Just a minute.

Y-you, uh...
You say Sam's escaped?

You think he's
on his way over here.

Well, w-why?

Huh...

A mother what?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yes, sir. Of course we'll
keep our eyes open for him.

Right, sir.
Yeah.

Hey, uh, Dr. Bellows
is on his way over here.

He thinks Sam is coming.

Don't let him get me.

I wanna stay here with you.

Now, wait a minute here.

Eh, would you get off, huh?

I don't wanna go back
in that cage.

You know, look...

Get off, will you?
Nobody's gonna

put you back in a cage.

What's the matter with you, Sam?

Sam. That's Sam.

I know it's Sam.

Sam? It can't be Sam. Yeah-heh.

Uh, yes, it can be.
Jeannie.

Jeannie!

Why would Jeannie
do a thing like that?

Why does she do anything?
Jeannie!

Don't let 'em take me.

He treated me like a monkey.

Yeah, but, Sam,
you are a monkey.

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Who are you calling a monkey?

Uh, Sam, I'm sorry about this,

but you're just gonna have
to become a chimpanzee again.

You wanna be a chimpanzee?

Be a chimpanzee.

I'm staying a man.

Eh, Sam.
This whole thing is a mistake.

Uh, uh, uh, uh...
So you see,

a friend of mine, I have this...

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Can I help you?

Oh, I hope so.

My master sent me.

Uh, well, what exactly
can we do for you?

Well...
I-I-I am not sure.

I've never been
to a beauty parlor before.

You've never...

Just one minute.
I'll get Mr. Sidney, okay?

Mm.

Uh, good afternoon.

Oh.

I understand you've never been

in a beauty salon before.

That is right.

What would you like?

Well, what do you have?

I'm glad you asked.

Uh, get ready
for one super deluxe.

Right this way, please.

Sam, now... Now...

Try...

Sam...

Uh, what I've been trying
to say is that, uh,

according to Darwin,

it's gonna be several
thousand years before

you reach our level
of development.

Uh... Oh...
Sam, you...

You'd be...
Be much happier as a chimp.

Oh, yeah?

Have you ever seen
a chimp driving around

in a convertible with a blond.

Heh-heh.

I've got a mate
you wouldn't believe.

Big, hairy...

Rrr.

He's coming.

I smell it.

You smell who?

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Don't go up there.

Any sign of Sam?
Oh, y-yeah.

Uh, no.
Nothing to talk about.

Nothing to talk about, sir.

Well, I have
a general alarm out,

and I've had the base
sealed off.

Oh, he won't get away.

After all, how far can
a chimpanzee get

before someone sees him.

Well, I... I think I can,
uh, guarantee

he'll be up in that
capsule tomorrow.

Yeah, he's gone!

Who's gone?

Well, Sam.

We know that, major.

That's why I put out
a general alarm.

You'd better pull
yourself together.

Yes.

Come on, let's go. Wait, where?

Where?
Come on.

And you have
a lovely complexion.

It's hard to believe
you've never been

in a beauty salon.

Well, I used to go
to the Roman baths a lot.

The Roman baths?

Yes.
Nero's wife and I

used to go every
Saturday morning

before the chariot races.

Oh.
Oh, I hope my master

likes the way I look.

Oh-ho-ho.
I'm sure he will.

There we go.

What? Madam. Oh.

This isn't beauty parlor.

Sam.

Oh, Sam.

Sam.

Sam!

What are we gonna do, Tony?

I'm afraid he's gotten away.

Oh, how could he
have gotten away?

There's...
There's nowhere to go.

There's guards all over the place.
Yeah.

I know. We'll use psychology.
Think like a chimp.

No, I'm serious.

Now, if you were a chimpanzee,
and... And you wanted to hide,

where would you go?

Well, I don't know.

The first place I'd go
is up a tree.

Now, come on down, Sam.

Nobody's gonna hurt you.

I'm staying here
till that m*ssile goes up.

How would you like a banana?
Or some peanuts?

I'll get you a bag of peanuts.
What do ya say?

Major Nelson.
Yes?

Would you mind telling me

what you're doing?

Uh... Oh, I was speaking
to the gardener, sir.

He's pruning the trees.

Well, I suggest that you get on
with your search for Sam.

That's what I was doing, sir.

I thought perhaps
the gardener had seen him.

Have you?

A simple yes or no
would have been sufficient.

Help these days is impossible.

Now what?

I mean, even if we get him down,

how are we gonna turn him back
into a chimpanzee again?

Yeah.

Shh. Be quiet.

Uh, Jeannie.
Jeannie what?

Jeannie'll change him back.
That's the answer...

Would you...?

But Jeannie isn't here.

Well, she will be.

Whenever I'm in trouble,

I just concentrate on her,
and she comes to me.

Now, I gotta concentrate.
Ahem.

Jeannie.

Jeannie.

Would you like some coffee?

I cannot hear you.

Would you like some coffee?

Oh, yes, I would.

Jeannie.

Yeah, it's no use, Roge.

You mean your friend's
not gonna change me back again.

Yeah, that's right.
Come on, let's go.

Wait a minute. Hey!

Wait for me.

Do you hear something?

No.

I thought I heard someone
calling my name.

May I use your phone?

Oh, yes. There's one
in the other room. Oh.

I'll get it. Please
do not bother.

The first thing I'm gonna do
is move in with you.

I'm a lot of laughs
once you get to know me.

Boy, we'll really be swinging.

At the end of a noose.

What?
Nothing.

Sam, you wouldn't want to hold
up the space program, would you?

What? Who, me?

I'm all ready to go up.

All you have to do

is call Dr. Bellows
and tell him who I am.

He's got you there.

Hey. What do you say
we all go nightclubbing?

Someplace where they got
a lot of swinging chicks.

Zowie.

That's probably
Dr. Bellows.

Give him my love.

Hello.
Major Nelson here.

Hello, master.

Oh. Heh-heh.

Hello, uh...

Hello, major.

Major?

This is Jeannie, master.

Yes, I know.

You know that package
you exchanged for me?

Package?

Oh.

You must mean Sam.

I knew that would
make you happy, master.

Heh-heh. Well, happy's
not really the word for it.

Yeah, I'd like you
to take it back.

Oh, but I thought that...
Yeah, look...

Jeannie, I'd like you
to take it back right now.

If that is what you wish.

That's what I wish.
Ohh!

Hello?

I don't think we'll ever get
this place back together again.

What did you say?

Sam.

Hey, Tony, it's that...
Jeannie's turned him back again.

Oh, you're not gonna do
any nightclubbing after all.

You're going up
in space tomorrow.

Not if I can help it.

Say...
on him it looks good.

See you later.

Tony?

Is that you Tony?

Don't worry about a thing.
I'm gonna sneak you out of here.

Sam!
Where?

You found Sam.

Oh, this... Found Sam.
Oh, that's, uh...

That's not Sam, sir.
Then who is it?

Who is that?
Oh, that's, uh...

That's Ernie.
It's his cousin.

Used to hang around
at the zoo, and...

Now, don't be ridiculous,
Major Healey.

There's only one chimpanzee
around here.

Why...

Besides, I know Sam
when I see him. Here we are.

Come along, Sam. Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.

You can't take Sam with you, sir.
And why not?

Well, he's just a baby.

Oh, Major Healey.

Sam has been trained
for this mission.

Where's Major Nelson?

I-I think he's at the end
of his rope.

Send him to me
as soon as you find him.

This mission is
going up on schedule.

Sir?

Oh.

Jeannie.
Jeannie.

Jeannie.

There.

That looks truly elegant.

No.

Thank you very much

but I think I like it better
the other way.

There. Do you not think
this is bet...?

Mr. Sidney.

Yes, General Wisten,
that's right.

Sam is right here in my office.

And he's in fine shape

for his little trip into space.

Oh.
Don't worry, sir.

Hm-hm. I intend to keep
Sam here right with me

every second until blastoff.

Thank you, general.
That's very kind of you.

Well, it was just a question
of understanding

animal psychology.

Yes. The animal mind
is so different...

Dr. Bellows.

Are you there?

General Wisten...

I've just discovered

the missing link.

Oh, excuse me.

I'll see ya later, honey.

I gotta visit a sick friend.

Well...

How you doing, buddy boy?

I know just how you feel.

I'm up to here
with them bananas myself.

Hey, you know this evolution
you was telling me about.

I kind of like it.

Master.

Master, I'm home.

Jeannie!

Oh, Major Healey.

Oh.
Where's Major Nelson?

Where? You're asking me
where Major Nelson is?

He's a monkey,
that's where he is.

I do not understand.

Yeah, well, you blinked cockeyed

and turned him
into a chimpanzee.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Wait for me!
Wait.

Oh, wait. Wait!

I'd help you out, buddy boy,

but I have this date tonight
with a brunette.

This is the life.

I'm taking her up to our place
for a drink.

Good luck, Tony.

Oh. Hi.

How's tricks?

I will show you.

Oh.
Oh.

Jeannie.
Oh, master.

You are not angry with me?

Uh... Angry with you?

You're the most beautiful person
I've ever seen.

You're the most beautiful person
I've ever seen in my life.

Where have ya been?

I went to the beauty parlor,
where you sent me.

Why did you not call me?

Why didn't I call you?
Mm.

Uh... Uh... Excuse me.
Yes. Excuse me.

Uh, I'm afraid
you're not gonna be able

to keep that date tonight.

You're not really dressed
for it, you know.

Sam.

You may not believe this...

but I envy you.

I really do.

You're gonna g...

Go up there
and have a wonderful trip.

And we're gonna
get you down safely.

Thattaboy.

Oh.
Oh.

Roger. Roger.
He's gotta be going crazy.

Roger.
I gotta find Roger.

There you are, love bug.

Oh, yeah.
Good one.

This is the most
miraculous thing I've ever seen.

Oh.

If this is a joke of some kind...
General.

I'm telling you, I saw him
write that with my own eyes.

Well... I'll go down
in history.

Ask him to write something.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Sam. Uh, uh...
This is General Wisten.

He would, uh,
like to see you write something.

Now, it doesn't have to be
anything fancy.

Four score and seven years ago,

our fathers brought forth
on this continent a new nation

conceived in liberty
and dedicated to the proposition

that all men are created equal.

You really believe this.

Oh, you'll see it
for yourself, general.

Now... here we are.

"The Gettysburg Address."

Written...

by a monkey.

You almost had it right, doctor.

It was dictated by a monkey.

Psychiatrists!

Where did I go wrong?

This is Control to Orbiter .

Control to Orbiter .

Can you hear me, Sam?

Good. You're doing fine.

Just... Just relax.

I want you to press
the green button, Sam.

The green button
on the panel board.

He did it.
I knew he could.

Heh. All right,
you're doing great.

Now, Sam, I want you
to press the red button.

Yeah.

Excellent.

All right now, Sam, you...
You're just doing fine.

I want you to press
the red and the green button

at the same time.

Red and green, Sam.

Green and red, Sam.

Red and green?
Are you kidding?

I've only got two hands,
you know.

It's do this, do that.

Do you know the trouble
with you human beings?

You're never satisfied.

Why can't you make up
your mind about...?