06x15 - Cookies

[bunniefuu]

So, girls,

you're out there,
you're selling cookies,

someone approaches you--
what do you say?

"Would you like
to buy some cookies?"

No.

Again--
we say,

"How many cookies
would you like to buy?"

See, a Frontier Girl
never gives 'em

the chance to say no.

You must always remember--

...if your mother
tells me not to buy it,

then I can't buy it.

Hi. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

My wife had to take the twins
to the doctor. Yeah.

I told her,
"Just bring one of 'em,

and we'll double
the medicine."

Yeah.

Have a seat.

I'll have a seat.

Excuse me.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Oh God, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Are you okay?

I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Sorry.
All right. I'm sorry.

I stepped
on a child.

- Oh, sorry.
- It's okay.

I'm--

I'm sorry.
Real sorry.

All right.
Where was l?

Okay. I was about
to remind you

of the most important
rule of sales.

It's "A-B-C"--
"Always be closing."

Girls?

"Always be closing."

Do you want
to sell cookies?

Again.

Always be closing!

Very good.

Okay.

Now--
this year's prizes.

Top seller on the board

gets this beautiful
beach chair and umbrella set.

Second prize
is a uniform patch.

And the third prize--

you're out of the troop.

I was only--
I'm kidding, it's not true.

I'm just-- you know,
I was just joking.

I'm sorry.

The third prize

is this sheet
of wildlife stickers.

That's--
no, I like that,

That's got monkeys
on it, right? Yeah.

I like monkeys.

Okay, girls,

it's time to go
with Mrs. Manning.

She's going to teach you
how to make a pinhole camera

out of an
orange juice container.

Everybody brought
their orange juice containers?

You know what, Ally?

I got a real camera
in the car.

Great pictures,
no pulp.

...and, Moms, in addition
to your door-to-door sales,

I'll be assigning locations
for your cookie-selling booths.

There's coffee and snacks here
if you want them.

Boy, she takes this stuff
seriously, huh?

Peggy? Oh, yeah.

And you can forget about
getting that beach chair.

She's a k*ller.

What do you mean?

I thought the girls
sell the cookies.

Yeah, right.

Hello, Ally's dad.
I'm Molly's mom.

Hi, hi, I'm Ray.

I'm giving you Lickety-Split Cleaners.
That's where

Debra and Ally
can set up on the sidewalk

- and sell cookies.
- Well, and it might not be Debra.

I could be out
there with Ally.

I'm one of those
very involved dads.

Good for you.

Here you go.

Listen, sorry about the joke before.
I didn't mean--

No, I enjoyed it immensely.
It was very, very funny.

Damn! I got Peetie's!

What-- the muffler place?
Peetie's?

Peetie's! I can't do anything
with this deadbeat spot.

No foot traffic.

She gives herself
Marco's Pizza every year.

That's why she wins.

Man, that's
totally bogus.

Peetie's!

Excuse me.

Uh, Peggy,
uh, I'm sorry,

but Peetie's is kind of
out of the way for me.

Oh. Okay.

I'm sure
that Ally's dad

wouldn't mind
switching with you.

What? Huh? Me?
Peetie's?

Yeah. Switch your card
with Sarah.

You don't mind, do you?

Well, actually,
Peetie's, we're--

What was that?

Nothing.

Thanks, Ally's dad.

Hey, good luck.

Maybe you'll get
those monkey stickers.

- Hi, Mommy.
- Hey, honey. How was your meeting?

Could you come
next time?

Sure.

Hey, don't ever do that
to me again, okay?

What?

Send me to one
of those meetings.

I was the only guy
in that henhouse.

Really, really.
I shouldn't have to do that.

What, spend time
with your daughter?

Oh, don't put your twist
on it, okay?

And what's with that
troop leader?

Peggy?
She's all right.

Oh, I should have known.
You're best friends.

I hardly know her,

but I appreciate all
the organization she does.

She's a great
troop leader.

Yeah, so was h*tler.

Similar uniform, too.

Look at this. Huh?

Peetie's.
Can you believe that?!

That's the worst
cookie spot!

Peetie's!

How do you know?

Everybody knows!

Come on.
I had Lickety-Split,

but she forced me to trade it
for Peetie's muffler place.

And then she gets
Marco's, the best spot!

How did she force you?

How? She ripped it
out of my hand--

I'm lucky
I have a hand still.

Let me tell you
something--

this lady doesn't know
who she's dealing with.

I'm gonna take this cookie
sign-up sheet to work.

I'll hang it up
at Madison Square Garden.

Yeah.

Little Miss Peggy
won't know what hit her.

I'll be bringing home
that sweet sweet beach chair.

Ray, Ally should
sell her own cookies.

That's how we've always
done it in the past.

Yeah, and that's why
every time we go to the beach

we gotta sit
in the freakin' sand, okay?

No, uh-uh.

No more.

No more, baby.

Let Peggy clean the sand
outta her behind!

Give me the sheet.

No no, this is for
Madison Square Garden.

Give me the sheet.

Come on!

Ray.

All right,fine.

Don't come crying to me

when you're out there
this summer

in the hot sand,
goin' like this--

How about this, huh?

Sittin' around,
havin' cookies and milk--

this is nice.

- Hey.
- Was nice.

Hello, Raymond.

Oh, I'm so happy
you're here.

- You hungry?
- No, not really.

You'll have some
cookies and milk, here.

He said he didn't
want any.

He doesn't know
what he wants.

Well, he's not
getting any of these.

You know, I'm glad you're
buying these cookies.

Debra wouldn't let me

take Ally's
sign-up sheet to work.

We could have been the cookie
champions of the world.

We didn't buy
these from Ally.

What do you mean?

Well, a lady
and her daughter

just came to our door.

What lady?

I don't know.
A very nice lady.

I think her name was,
uh... Peggy.

Peggy?!

"Let Raymond have
some cookies."

How could you
buy cookies from Peggy?!

We were hungry.

Don't you know
that Ally is selling

the very same cookies?!

I liked that Peg and her little girl--
cute as a button.

Didn't say a word,
but simply precious.

- She was darling.
- More darling than your granddaughter?

Of course not!
We love Ally.

Ally is delightful.

You are gonna do something about
her teeth though, aren't you?

Her teeth?!

We've always felt bad

that we didn't
have yours fixed.

Maybe you did--
I used the 400 bucks

to buy a belt sander.

Wait a minute,
what's wrong with my teeth?

Have you ever
looked in your mouth?

It's like
a prison riot.

And that little girl's hair,
with those lovely braids.

Yeah, yeah, like Heidi
in the mountains.

Ally has nice hair.

Ally's hair...

What?!

She's got beautiful hair,

but someone has
to groom it properly.

How many times have I offered
to take her to my beauty salon?

So she can have
this look?

Better this look than...

Ally's hair is fine!

Even if she looked
like an iguana,

you should have bought cookie
from her instead of a stranger.

A stranger who happens
to be my arch-enemy.

Ohh, you have an arch-enemy.

What are you,
a superhero now?

"Captain Big Nose."

"I'm gonna
blow you away!"

Hey, Ray, you gotta--

Ah ah ah ah--
look at this.

You see this?
You happy now?

Oh, where'd
these come from?

Not from us!

Don't worry, Raymond.

We'll buy a box
from Ally, too.

A box? One box?

No. No more cookies.

We're not
the Rockefellers.

One box for me.

I'll get the apple cinnamon
because it's low-fat.

Not after you butter 'em.

You know who
they got these from?

Your friend Peggy h*tler.

You have a friend
named h*tler?

She's not my friend.

But her last name is h*tler?

She's not a h*tler.

She invaded our territory.

See, now I feel bad for Ally.

We'll buy more than
one box from her.

No, we're not!

Braid her hair,
fix her teeth,

and come back next year!

Okay, you know,
everybody, don't worry.

You don't have to buy
any more cookies,

all the money goes
to the same troop.

That's not the point!

This woman poached
our own family!

What is it with you
and "this woman"?!

I don't like her.

And why don't
you like her?

What do you mean?
She's pushy and annoying and-- and--

And she'sawoman?

What?!
I never said that.

Oh, come on, Ray.

You wouldn't act like this
if a man did this.

Amanwouldn'tdothis.

Okay.

Did you hear that?

You don't like women.

Who likes women?

I like women.

Don't lie, Raymond.

What are you
talking about?

Well, I always felt you had
a problem with women.

A problem with women,
like who?

Well, me, for instance.

What?!

You're my mother,
you're not a woman.

Dr. Freud on line one
for you, Raymond.

You had this problem
your whole life,

ever since
you could talk.

- What was the problem?
- You didn't want to talk.

To you. He didn't
want to talk to you.

Exactly. He doesn't
understand women,

because women need to talk things out,
and you've never wanted to.

- She's right.
- Oh, here we go.

You don't want a woman
who talks or needs anything

and the moment
a woman expresses herself,

- she belongs in the henhouse.
- Amen.

You should hear how
he talks about this Peggy.

- Calls her h*tler.
- Will you stop it?

I don't have to stop.
I have no problem with women.

You have no women.

He's worried about Peggy,
or any woman,

b*ating him out of
a beach chair.

It's not about
a beach chair anymore.

This woman--
this person is mean.

This person is a bully

who bullies people
in a mean way!

And because she wants
the beach chair

as much as he does,

he calls her names.

He has a problem
with women.

I don't know how
you got that way.

I hate that Peggy.

Just wondering--
this h*tler woman,

she's not
a single mom, is she?

Uh, why are we
setting up here?

I thought we were
going to Peetie's.

A little change
of plans, sweetie.

There we go.

It's nice here
at Marco's, isn't it?

Let's fix your hair a little.

- Ow!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You know what they say--
"Eye appeal is buy appeal."

Oh, customers.
Come on, stand up straight.

How many cookies
would you like to buy?

How about zero?

You could be
a little louder,

just a little more forceful.
Like this. Watch.

- Cookies, cookies, cookies!
- Oh, no, thank you.

- Creamy! Chocolate fudgy!
- That's okay.

- Delicious cookies.
- Cookies, Mommy.

I'm sorry, sweetie, but we
haven't had our lunch yet.

- I want cookies!
- No. Come on.

- Double chocolate chip.
- I want cookies!

All right.

Just one box
for after lunch.

Okay, sure.
Thank you.

And the Frontier Girls
thank you.

Yeah. He's gonna be
bouncing off the walls now, you jerk.

See? That's how we do it.

Now, we'll use
this box here,

we'll put money
in this box...

we'll put that
right here.

We'll get
everything set...

Oh. Hello.

What are you
doing here?

I'm watching my daughter
sell cookies.

But this is my spot.

Is that so?

I think you know that.

I think you know
where my parents live.

Molly, why don't you go inside
for a few minutes

and get some ice cream?

Ally, why don't you
go with Molly

and get some ice cream?
Her mom's treating.

- Thanks, Dad.
- Thanks, Mom.

Come on!

I had you pegged

the minute you walked
in the door.

If you're going to be
part of the organization,

there's one thing
you need to understand.

What's that? "A-B-C"?
"Always be cranky"?

Look, I want you
to get out of here.

Why? This is a great spot.
I'm selling tons of cookies.

In our organization, there are
some rules that everyone must follow.

Yeah, your rules.

That's right.
Read the sash.

Listen, lady.

When you came out to my street
and sold to my family,

you crossed a line!

Your family happens to live
in my neighborhood,

so yeah,
I sold to them.

And you know what?

I enjoyed it.

You are despicable!

They were good customers.

Peanut clouds...

- cinnamon swirls...
- All right!

ding-a-longs,
chocolate waves...

Stop it.

They were loving it.

You should have seen
the looks on their faces.

Especially the giant
and the bald one.

Yeah, well, you didn't even
scratch the surface, okay?

You have no idea

what those two are
capable of putting away.

Are you gonna move?

I don't think so, Peggy.

Last chance.

I'm right here.

All right,

are you gonna
get off my spot?

Never!

Hey, what are you doing?!

I got it under control, Deb.

He took my spot.

I don't care what he did.

Nobody...

beats up my husband.

She didn't b*at me up.

You got a problem,
you take it up with me.

I can handle this, Deb.

You know
what I think, Peggy?

You are a bully.

I don't like bullies.

You come near
my husband again,

you're gonna have
a real problem.

- Hi, Mommy.
- Hi, Mommy.

- Hey, hey!
- Hi, kids.

How's that
ice cream, huh?

What happened?

Uh, Daddy tripped.

And I was
helping him up.

- Well, it was good to see you again, Peg.
- Good to see you, Deb.

So Mol, let's go set up
in front of the laundromat.

You know what's
a good spot? Peetie's!

See? No problem
with women.

You thought I had a problem,
but you said she's a bully.

- Clean this up.
- Yes, ma'am.