06x17 - The Skit

[bunniefuu]

-Hey, Ma.
- Hello, dear.

Whatcha doin' there?

Oh, this?

This is called
"polishing silver."

Yeah, I know that.

It's just that we don't
often see your silver.

Please, stop hinting,
Debra.

The silver's
going to Robbie.

It's already in the will.

Is this for Lee and Stan's
anniversary party?

Their forty-fifth.

They're our dearest friends,
but I have to tell you,

I never thought
they'd last this long.

Where you goin', Robert?

What's goin' on in there?

Robbie is helping
your father

write a funny speech
for Lee and Stan.

Get back here!
We're not done!

Oh, we're done, old man!

Fine, fine!

I don't need
your help anymore!

Marie, I'm not doing
the stupid speech.

It's the one thing you
have to do for the party!

Well, now the one thing
I have to do is eat shrimp.

You have to write something.

They're our dearest friends.

To hell with them.

You're impossible!

Would you talk to him?

He has to write something,
otherwise--

Raymond...

Ma, don't even think of it.

Raymond...

Back! Back! Back!

Read the will.

You can do it, Raymond.

You can do
Lee and Stan's tribute!

No, I can't!

They'll be so thrilled!

Ma, please,
I hardly know 'em.

Raymond, they're
our dearest friends.

No! No! No!

We're practically related.
You lived at their house!

What?

When your father and l
went to Atlantic City.

- That was a weekend.
- It was a long weekend.

You said it.

Raymond,
you'll be wonderful.

Ma, I spend all day
trying to write my column.

I don't have time to come up
with an anniversary speech.

It's not a speech.

It was a speech
when your father was doing it,

'cause that's all
he could handle.

But you...
you can do anything!

Not anything.
In fact, nothing.

Maybe you could do like
an interpretive dance

or something.

You could do a thing
where you shut it!

Whatever you do,
try to mention my name is Debra.

Lee keeps calling me Donna.

Are you helping me?

This has to be special,

'cause it's the evening's
entertainment.

So I want you to feel free
to get creative.

I'd like to feel free
to not do this!

I'm not good at this stuff!

Oh...

You're a witty
and charming boy.

Why don't you do
a funny poem?

A poem-- no! No way, no!

You don't want
to disappoint everyone, Raymond.

Yeah! You can't help out?

Your mother thinks
I am a moron.

I agree to help her

and heat up some things
for the party tomorrow.

Listen to her directions
for me--

"Debra, these are
mini quiches,"

then in parentheses,
"French cheese pies."

"Put in the oven tomorrow
at 6:00 P.M."

"P.M." is underlined!

So what?
It's not that bad.

Oh, no? Listen to this--
"Caution-- oven gets hot."

- Hey, Deb.
- Hey, Robert.

What's up, Shakespeare?

Shut up!

How goeth it?

I don't know.
Here, look at this.

"It's no wonder
Stan was attracted to Lee.

He's an accountant,
so he appreciates good figures."

What are you saying?

That Lee has a good figure?

Have you seen Lee?

Stop it!
I know, all right?

It's not funny.
These people are not funny.

They play cards and walk around
the mall for exercise.

They're boring people.

It's too bad it's not
Ma and Dad's anniversary,

then you'd have material!

You know what I was
thinkin' of the other day?

Remember the time Mom
sewed his fly shut?

What? When was this?

We were in high school
and she was sick of him

sittin' on the couch
all open and unzipped.

It didn't work, though.

He'd just come home,
rip off his pants,

and hang 'em
on the front door knob.

And then he'd come
in the house.

Hey, you know what?

That's what you should do,
stuff about your parents.

It's Lee and Stan's thing.

I know, but you could do
like a marriage comparison.

You know,
where Lee and Stan

are a classic,
successful marriage,

and your parents are...
Iess classical.

That's true.

I would love to be able
to bring up the time

they drove a car through
the living room wall.

Yeah, as opposed
to Lee and Stan,

who prefer to ring the doorbell.

- That's good.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Or... or how 'bout the time

my father accidentally gave out
condoms for Halloween?

How 'bout the time
that they fought for a week

because they were literally
comparing apples and oranges!

Right... right!

I remember that.
I had to vote!

Yeah, l-- it's good.

Hey, this is
pretty good stuff.

Maybe we should do it.

You and me,
we could do like a skit.

Sure, I'll do it with you.

W-w-wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You cannot do that.

Yeah, sure we can.

You can be Lee
and my mom,

and I'll be Stan
and my dad.

- That would be hilarious.
- Yeah.

What else we got on 'em,
like the pants thing?

Oh, no, no, no--

when I said that,
I wasn't serious. Count me out.

All right, you're out.
So how should we do it?

Now-- now, look.

Really-- let me tell
you something, Ray,

this stuff is not funny.

What?
You were just laughin'.

Yeah, but that was
behind their backs--

this would be
in front of their faces

with all their
friends watching.

Yeah, see, that's right,
their friends,

so everybody would know
we were just kiddin' around.

No. I'm telling you,
you shouldn't do this.

It would just humiliate them,

and your children
will be watching!

The kids are gonna be
at a sleep-over,

and Mom and Dad
are unhumiliatable.

I'm telling ya,
this is very risky.

No... it's funny.

I think it's funny.
Isn't it funny?

I thought it was funny.

Ah, maybeweshouldn'tdo it.

You know what I always like?
A good song parody.

A song parody?
Like what?

How 'bout something like,

Lee and Stan
have been married 45 years

Lee and Stan
have been married 45 years

Oh, they like
to play canasta

and take walks
around the malls

and why not?
It's marvelous exercise.

I think the skit is funny.

We'll do the skit.

- Okay, so I'll be your mom.
- You come in first...

Okay, wait, wait--

and finally...

this is how Lee and Stan
might visit someone's home.

Ding-dong!

Hello! Thank you
for inviting us.

Oh, Stan, isn't
this a lovely house?

It certainly is,
and you are lovely too, Lee.

Oh, thank you, Stan.
I love you.

And I love you, Lee.

Now--

Iet's take a look
at how Frank and Marie

might visit someone's
home, shall we?

Do you think
Raymond is home?

Let's find out.

Ba-boom!

Hello, dears.

Make me somethin' to eat!

Don't mind me, I'll just be
going through your mail.

And I'll just be watching
your television.

Oh, Frank,
zip up your pants!

Zip up your mouth!

Oh my God, look
what they leave lying around!

The "Sports lllustrated"
Swimsuit lssue!

Holy crap! Gimme that!

Frank, you know that's not
what real women look like.

No kidding.

And just what magazine
are you in, Frank?

"Bald and Gassy?"

Hey, my problem is,

I got a lifetime
subscription to you!

And I can cancel it
at any time!

Make me somethin' to eat!

Make it yourself!

If I could make it myself,
you'd be out on the curb!

You'd love that,
wouldn't you?

I think we'd both love it.

And you know what else
we both love?

- Lee and stan!
- Lee and stan!

- Happy Anniversary!
- Happy Anniversary!

Thank you so much!

I was crying, laughing.

Have you ever seen
anything like that?

It's better
than Broadway!

I didn't like it!
Too much Lee and stan!

That was wonderful!

I liked when you called him
"Bald and Gassy."

I knew him when
he was just gassy.

Look who's talking!

I said to Frank,
"that's you to a 'T'!"

You had this one down
perfectly. I was petrified!

Well, we're glad
you could enjoy it.

Better than Broadway!

- Thank you.
- Yeah, thanks.

All right.

All right,
now we can enjoy ourselves.

Well, Raymond,
it's official--

They love you
no matter what you do.

No matter what I do?

You mean like provide
crowd-pleasing entertainment?

It just should be noted
that everybody was drunk.

Drunk with laughter.

Oh, my-my, you know,
I expect that from Raymond,

but not from you,
Debra.

I'm very disappointed.

No one's going to listen
to Robert anymore

No one's
going to listen to Robert anymore

All right--

You were wrong
and we were funny

And you can't
stand it, honey

Did I mention that you're
due back at the zoo?

Good bye, Max.

Thank you, dear.
Very nice.

Thanks for coming,
Garvin.

Great party!
First-class entertainment.

Hey, Ray, Debra--

Thank you, Garvin,
thank you.

Robert, I want to see you
in there next time.

You could be like a...
a big lndian!

Or a--a big,
funny, galumphy waiter.

- Bye!
- Bye.

Never liked that guy.

Marie, this was terrific.

Absolutely.
Garvin was right.

Your show was top-notch.

Thank you.

Just remember who
got Raymond to do it.

I couldn't have done it
without Debra.

We had great inspiration.

She's right--
without us, no show!

You two were so good.

You and Frank better get ready,

because you might have
to do something like that

for their anniversary.

Oh, that I'd love to see.

We wouldn't know
what to do.

Are you kiddin'?
It'd be a piece of cake!

- Oh, yeah?
- Give us a little, Frank.

No, no, you two
just do us some more.

No, no. Go ahead.

"No, no. Go ahead."

That's him!
With the nasal voice.

Yeah, nasal voice,
all right.

Oh, I hurt my pinky

when I was typing!

The keys were so hard!

I can't do this anymore!

Oh, stop, Ray.

I'm trying to heat up
soup from a can...

...and it's very tricky.

That's you, Donna!

It's "Debra."

Who cares!
Pay more attention to me!

I'm a needy, whiney baby!

My pinky!

Stop! Stop!

Ray, you never help me
with anything around here.

Idiot!

You're so mean to me!

I want my mommy!

Then go over there,
because I'm too busy

to be nice to you.

That's perfect,

'cause she's so mean
to him, always!

And he's such a baby!

- I am not!
- See!

Stop! My stomach!
You're k*lling me!

More!

Yeah, you know what,

it's gettin' kinda late.

Yeah, it is, it really is.

Hey, Dad,
do how he has no ass!

I'm sorry,
but that is messed up!

I mean,
that is just not funny!

Why would they do that?

Why? Because they have
no class. No class!

Raymond, you left
without saying good-bye

to Lee and Stan--
that was rude.

Yeah, where are
your manners?

Me, manners?
You, manners!

You were right.
They have no sense of humor.

I think they're
the feel-good hit of the season!

What are you
talking about, Raymond?

Come on,
you didn't like our skit,

so you went out of your way
to embarrass us.

We loved your skit.
Didn't we, Frank?

Yeah, for those five minutes,

I didn't mind everybody
drinkin' my booze.

Let's just be honest,
all right?

We're sorry
we made fun of you,

we're sorry
we hurt your feelings.

Hurt our feelings?
We were laughing--

everybody was laughing.

Then why'd you lash out at us?

What the hell
are you talkin' about?

We were bein' funny,
just like you.

Bein' funny, just like us--

Iet me explain something
about humor to you people.

Yeah, see?
Right there.

That's a perfect example
of something that's not funny!

And also ugly!

I think that you need to learn

that usually what makes
something funny is its tone,

a light, comic feeling.

That's why people were laughing
during our skit--

we had the spirit
of fun about us.

Therefore,
the audience was free

to feel comfortable
and amused.

Will this lecture be available
on audio cassette?

I'm tellin' you, Ray,

I heard people laughin'
at our stuff, too.

Okay, fine, if you want
that kind of laugh--

those were cheap laughs.

- They were?
- Of course, they were!

Oh, Granny said "idiot"--

what's clever about that?

Yeah, and when did I ever do this?

All right, so let me
get this straight--

it's okay to poke fun
at Mom and Dad,

but you guys
are strictly off-limits?

No, no...

No.

I mean,
come on, Robert!

There is a huge
difference here!

We had to think up
what we were gonna say.

They were so ready
with their att*ck!

Yeah, it's like you practice it
in your basement.

You know, I think
what we're seeing here

is that humor,
while so often a tonic,

can be a poison to those
unprepared to take it.

Yeah, great.

Why don't you
ba-doo-dee-do outta here?

Okay...

well, see,
a line like that

just rolls off my back,

whereas if I call you a name
like "Nosey Nosenstein"...

you get your big honker
all out of whack!

Beep! Beep!

Our skit was all in fun.

We were even worried
about offending you.

Why would you be offending?

You think you're telling us
stuff we don't know?

Marie knows she's
a big pain in the ass!

And Frank knows
he's a pig with shoes.

Yeah, yeah, I tell you
what would have been funny--

if you had talked
about the time

we drove the car
through your house.

Now, that was hysterical!

Okay, but--

you know, I really did
hurt my pinky that time.

Oh, Raymond...

Raymond...

you have to believe me--

we didn't mean
to hurt your feelings

with our little imitations.

But now that I know
you both are so sensitive,

we will never make

those kinds of jokes again.

All right?

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute--

I mean, you're implying
that we can't take a joke.

And, ofcourse,wecan.

Of course we can.
I love to take a joke.

Yes. Now that we know that
you were just kidding around,

we are fine.

We laugh at ourselves
all the time.

Laughin' and jokin'
all the time.

I mean, everybody knows
that he's a whiney baby

who needs his mommy

and never does anything
around the house...

That's right,

and you're like an uptight,
cranky yell machine.

With stick-out ears.

Yeah. So you see,

we have a perfectly good
sense of humor!

So everybody's okay, then?

Yeah, sure.
Sure, absolutely.

Are you kidding?
We're fun people!

Okay, good.

Oh, I'm so relieved.

Yeah, me, too,

'cause there was no way
I was gonna stop with the jokes.

We don't want you to.

No way. That's what
families are all about.

Good night.

- All right.
- It was fun.

You know, I gotta tell ya,
I really misjudged you guys.

You're much better sports
than I gave you credit for.

And your skit was funny, too.

- Thanks, Robert.
- Thanks, man.

You know,
like I always say--

"Live, love, laugh."

I'll see ya.

"Cranky, uptight
yell machine"?!

Whoa! What about you?
"Whiney baby, needy mommy!"

I only say that
because it's true!

Look out, don't want to
turn on the yell machine

'cause there's no off switch!

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
My wife is being mean to me."

Yeah.
That's a good comeback.

- "That's a good comeback!"
- Oh, there's another one.

- "Oh, there's another one!"
- ldiot!

Ten...

eleven...

wait a minute--

there's a teaspoon missing!

There's supposed
to be twelve teaspoons--

there's only eleven!
Ma! What the hell!

What are you
yappin' about?!

There's supposed to be
twelve teaspoons.

This is an incomplete set!

What party are you gonna
give with twelve guests?

A big party, 'cause it'll be
the reading of your will!

Maybe it got scraped
into the trash can.

Maybe it's in the trash.

That is not funny!