06x22 - Mother's Day

[bunniefuu]

- Come on, guys!
No, no, no, baths are fun.

You love baths.

There's water.
You get to be naked, huh?

- Jump, geoffrey, jump!
- No, ally.

Listen: The only reason
I let you get older

Is so you could help me.

[children laughing
and screaming]

Get off the couch.
Off the couch.

- I told you it might
be a little crazy.

Hi, dear.

- Hi, marie.

- I just brought
hilda and artie over

'cause I wanted them

To see the kids do
their "knock, knock" joke.

- We hear it's a hoot!

- Well, you know,
now's not the best time.

I'm tryin' to get 'em upstairs.

- Michael, "knock, knock"--
- marie.

- Honey, let michael
say "knock, knock."

- Knock, knock!
Knock, knock!

- No "knock, knock" jokes
right now.

We're goin' upstairs.

- "orange."
debra, say "orange."

- Marie, please stop!

We are not telling
"knock, knock" jokes right now!

We are going upstairs
for our baths.

All right? Thank you.

Let's go.

Come on.

- Well.

- Hello, raymond, dear.

I just dropped by
to pick up my big spoon.

Are you finished with it?

- Me?

- I was the one that borrowed
it, remember, marie?

- If you're not done
with it, raymond,

I could come back.

- Ma, what's goin' on?
- Nothing...

I'm making sauce,
and I just wanted my big spoon.

- Yeah? So ask debra.

- Um, I--I'm finished with it,
marie, so...

Here.

- Thank you, raymond.
Bye-bye.

- What's going on?

- How should I know?

You two have
a little...Rowdy-dow?

- No.

That last time I saw her
was yesterday

When she just dropped by
with hilda and artie,

And I was trying
to get the kids upstairs.

- Yeah?
- What?

She wanted to hear the twins
tell their "knock, knock" joke,

And I told her
it was a bad time,

And we went upstairs.

- Did they do the goliath one?
- No, I--

- 'cause that's a good one.
Knock, knock.

Say "who's there?"

- What is with your family?

- Come on.

Say "who's there?"
- who's there?

- Goliath.
- Goliath who?

- Goliath down.
You looketh tired.

- You're wonderful.

I mean, that couldn't be
why she's mad at me,

Because I told her
it was a bad time?

She couldn't be mad
about that, could she?

- I think it's cute

How you're still
a little naive.

- Oh, my god.

I mean, god,
she's a lunatic!

- So why didn't you just
let her hear the joke?

It only takes
like two seconds.

Here, let's do goliath again.
Knock, knock--

- That is not the point, okay?

- Things have to screech
to a halt

Because marie's gonna waltz
over here with her friends

To put on the "grandma show"?

- Yeah. You know what?

You should go over
and apologize.

- What?

Are you kidding?
You're taking her side?

- I'm not taking any side.
It's too small to have sides.

- No, I let so much go
with her, ray.

I mean, I'm always
letting things roll off my back.

The woman ruins my life,

And I'm supposed to pretend
everything is fine and dandy.

- Well, your life isn't ruined,

Everything is fine and dandy.

- I am not apologizing for this.

Your mother is
acting like a child,

Giving me the silent treatment.

Do you realize how
passive-aggressive that is?

- But--but--

- No, she doesn't
want to talk to me,

She doesn't have to--
that's fine and dandy.

- So you're just gonna pout
and go, "she started it"?

I think that's
a little passive-aggressive.

- Oh, yeah?

- Which I still prefer
to aggressive-aggressive.

- So...

How are things?

- Yeah, fine.

- That's nice.

And how's debra?

- Ma--ha, okay, I see.

You lured me over with cake

So you could pump me
for information about debra.

- And feed you cake.

- Feed me cake.

- Raymond, I was just wondering

If debra picked up
on my little signal yesterday.

- What, when you gave her
the silent treatment?

- Oh, good.
You noticed it too.

I was worried that
I maybe was too...Subtle.

- Yeah, that's your problem--
too subtle.

- Eat your cake.

How did debra react?

- I don't know, ma,
I don't want to--

- Just stay out of it, ray.
- I am, dad.

- Frank, you don't even know
what we're talking about.

- That's right,
because I stay out of it.

- The fact is that your wife
happened to be rude.

She humiliated me,

And what's worse,
it was in front

Of my dear friends
hilda and artie.

- You don't like
hilda and artie.

- That's not the point.

I mean, hilda
had just been telling me

About how close she is
with her daughter-in-law,

And that for mother's day
this weekend

They were going to a spa
to have massages together,

With steam baths
and body lotions.

- Hey, I'm eatin' here!

- And my own daughter-in-law
can't tolerate me in her house

For a "knock, knock" joke.

I find that cruel.

- Look, ma, debra's sorry, okay?

- She is?

Really?

- Y-yeah. Yes.

I mean, she just has a hard time
saying it, that's all.

And aren't you the mature one?

- That's true.

I've always been mature.

- She's as mature as the hills.

- All I'm sayin' is,

What if you were the one
who went over and apologized?

Let me finish.

What if you apologized,
because you're the mature,

Reasonable, responsible,

Beautiful one?

- You're suggesting I apologize?

Me?

- Yes.

Because you're beautiful.

- Shame on you, raymond.

- Ma! Aww.

- Guess which word
you lost me on?

- Hey, is that last cookie
mine or yours?

- I don't know.
You can have it.

- 'cause I think it's mine.

- Okay, fine.
Go ahead.

- No, not "go ahead"
like you're givin' it to me,

Because I think
it really is mine.

- You know what?

- I don't care,
I'm gettin' it!

Give me that cookie!

[laughter]

Come on, debra!

- Debra, may I talk to you?

- Sure, marie.

- What happened the other day
has really weighed on me...

And I did some serious thinking.

So, debra...

I was wrong.
Please forgive me.

- Oh, wow.
Marie, thank you.

But you don't have to apologize,
I'm fine, really.

- No, no, no, debra,
I want to.

First of all, I'm sorry
I came over when I did.

I should know by now,
by late afternoon

You've lost complete control
of the kids.

And then, I brought company,

Which must have
embarrassed you,

Since obviously
you hadn't tidied up.

So I understand

Why you felt the need
to snap at me so.

For all that, I'm sorry.

All right?

- So...

She's talkin' to you again!

- Well, she can do
whatever she wants,

Because I'm done talking to her.

- This is what I get
for trying to be nice.

- Come on, guys.

You're supposed to be helping me
make a nice mommy's day brunch

To make mommy nice again,
all right?

So come on, huh? Please!

Let's not bust daddy's hump.

I've been gettin'
enough of that.

Hey, mommy is here!

Hey, happy mother's day!
Hi, mommy!

You're supposed to be upstairs
waitin' for breakfast in bed--

What are you doin' down here?

- I smelled something burning.

- It's all under control, okay?

So go back upstairs
and get psyched for toast!

- Listen, ray,

I've been up there
for two hours.

Can we just
go out to breakfast, or...

Or lunch?

- Well, listen,

If some people
were talking to other people,

We could be at
other people's house right now

Having our annual very nice--
not cranky--mother's day brunch.

- I thought
one of the requirements

For a happy mother's day
was a happy mother.

- Listen, all I--
ding!

Toast is here!

Hey, guys, who wants to
give mommy breakfast in bed?

- I do!
- I do!

- Okay, here you go.
Come on, here you go.

Take that.

Okay, let's go,
come on, hurry up.

Everybody upstairs with mommy!

- Ray--

- Aw, oh, aren't they adorable?
Look at them!

- Let's go, mommy.

- Enjoy your first course.

- Hey, what--

What are you doin'?
Why aren't you with mom?

Evidently, it's simply not
mother's day without raymond.

- She's been a miserable wretch
all week long.

I mean, on top of the usual.

- How's it goin' over here?

- Yeah, well, it's not good.
She's in a bad mood too.

I'm just gonna run these over
and drop them off for mom.

- "drop these off"?

You'll never get out of there!

She's got your baby book out,
and she's humming lullabies.

She sent us over to get you.

- What she doesn't know is,
we're never going back.

- All right.
Well, keep it down.

She can sense happiness.

- I don't like them
not talking to each other.

It makes me nervous.

- It's like in korea...

It was most scary
when it was quiet.

- I hate seeing them like this.
I can't take it anymore!

You know what?

The three of us
should go to florida.

- Just what every mother
wants to do on mother's day--

Wash the butter
out of her sheets.

- What you are doin', ma?

- Hello.

I was just flipping through
your baby books...

Recalling the agony
of your delivery.

And I was wondering

If I was going to get
a visit from you

On mother's day.

- Yeah, of course, ma,

I'm takin' care of a few things
here, that's all.

- Well, of course.
By all means, take your time.

You obviously have
other priorities--

On mother's day.

- Here you go, ma.
There are for you.

- Hey, what are you
talkin' about?

- Happy mother's day.

- Oh!

They're lovely!

Thank you, dear.

- Okay, listen, ray, I--

- Korea.

- Okay, well, I'm going back
across the street.

Who's coming with me?
- Ow!

I'll go with you, ma.

- Anyone else?

- She ain't my mother.

- Go ahead, ray.

- Raymond?

- Look, I shouldn't
have to choose, okay?

This is not my fight!

Can't you two just
start talkin' already?

Come on, it's mother's day!

Can't one of you two mothers
just say somethin'?

Dad, please,
can you help me out here?

- What, are you kiddin' me?

Maybe debra will
come around at some point,

But we'll never get anything out
of old sitting bull over there.

- Debra, please,
come on, all right?

Just do it for me.

Great. Great, great.

You see? You see?
Here's the problem, okay?

You think it's just her.

Well, I'm gonna say it--

We all know that if my wife
wasn't so snippy all the time--

Yes, I said snippy--

None of this
would have happened!

- You'd be snippy too

If this one was yammerin' at you
all day long!

You got nothin'
to complain about.

- How do you know what I've
been goin' through over here?

I actually have
to live with her,

So don't start with me,
'cause you don't know

What the hell
you're talkin' about.

- Wow.

- Let me ask you somethin', pal.

What have you had, a tough week?

Well, I've been
living with your mother

Since before you were born!

- Debra wouldn't let the twins
tell a "knock, knock" joke!

- She's right!
"knock, knock" jokes stink!

- Look, that's not the point!

Ma came over with her friends
to show how cute the twins are

Tellin' a "knock, knock" joke,

And debra couldn't even
give her that little of joy!

- Well, who the hell is marie
to come barging in,

Demanding joy,

When debra's wrestling
with the damn kids?

- She didn't have
to be so rude!

- Rude it the only thing
that gets through to her!

How do you think
I got the way I am?

I used to be a gentleman!

- Never!
You were never a gentleman!

You never gave mom any respect!
You're just as bad as debra!

- That's a fine way
to talk to your father!

- You don't like it?
I don't talk to you at all!

- I don't talk
to you at all!

- Hold it! Hold it!
[both shouting]

Sit down!

- Yeah, I will sit down!

- Fine!

- Look what your fight
is doing to the family!

It's mother's day,
and you're ruining it.

This day is supposed to be
for appreciating each other,

Not shutting each other out.

We should not be
wallowing in hate,

We should be wallowing
in a beautiful brunch

Of belgian waffles and berries

And sausages
of both link and patty!

Now, I know
when we're angry and hurt,

We can only see the negative
in the other person.

But you two people
know deep down

How you feel about each other,

How you care about each other,

And how much...

How much you love each other.

- I'm sorry, ray.
- Me too, dad.

- Not you guys!

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, come on,
how about it, debra?

- Yeah, what do you say, marie?

Can we eat?

- Why is there butter
on your sheets?

- Oh, my god.

- Happy mother's day.

There was only one
bigger bouquet in the store,

But it was for dead people.

- They're beautiful, ray.
Thank you.

- Listen, you deserve them.

I'm sorry about what I said
about you,

About you being snippy and all.

- Oh, that's okay.

- I'm sorry I was snippy to you.

- Yeah?

So what do you think?

What do you say we end this,
huh?

Let's push speed dial
number one,

And just tell her
happy mother's day, from you.

- No.

- No, what?
No.

Not "no."
"yes."

You don't really want
to stay mad, do you?

- I'm not mad at her anymore.
- Yeah, but--but--

- I'm just gonna live my life.
And you know what?

I think my life is gonna
be better from now on.

- But it won't!

How could it be?
There's gonna be tension!

- I think what I've done

Is actually remove
the source of the tension.

- You mean my mom?

- I think so, yes.

- [groans loudly]

- Good night.

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

- Ivan.

- Ivan who?

- I've an idea--
talk to my mother.