06x23 - The Bigger Person

Episode transcripts for TV show, "Everybody Loves Raymond". Aired: September 13, 1996 – May 16, 2005.*
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Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.
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06x23 - The Bigger Person

Post by bunniefuu »

Last time, on "Everybody
Loves Raymond"...

No knock-knock jokes right now!
We're going upstairs!

"Orange," Geoffrey,
say "orange!"

Marie, please stop!

We are not telling
knock-knock jokes right now,

We are going upstairs
for our baths.

All right?
Thank you.

Let's go.
Let's go.

Well.

Your mother
is acting like a child,

Giving me
the silent treatment.

Do you realize
how passive-aggressive that is?

First of all,

I'm sorry I came over
when I did.

I should know by now,
by late afternoon

you've lost complete
control of the kids.

So...

she's talking
to ya again!

Well, she can do
whatever she wants,

because I'm done
talking to her.

Now, I know when we're
angry and hurt

we can only see the negative
in the other person.

But you two people
know, deep down,

how you feel about
each other,

how you care
about each other,

and how much...

how much you love
each other.

Frank, if you're
gonna have cereal,

you can't just leave
the milk sitting out!

How many times
have I told you that?

A thousand.
Might as well just give it up.

Look at this place.

It's a pig sty!

You're like some
kind of an animal!

A pig?

Just watch yourself, mister.

I tell ya,

this thing with Debra's
got her nuttier than ever.

They should just
lace up the gloves

and go at it
in the back yard.

Come on, those two
are going through a tough time.

All you can think about
is how it affects you?

You're like a lady.

You know what
I noticed?

Even when Debra's
all wah-wah-wah-wah,

if she finds out
I'm coming over here,

she goes out of her way
to be nice to me.

- What do you mean?
- Well, like yesterday,

Ma wanted me
to come over,

and Debra all of
a sudden was like,

"Hey, why don't you go
hit a bucket of balls?"

She told you to
go to the driving range?

Yeah.

And then I also went
on the go-carts.

Hey, you
know what?

You should try
this with Mom,

get what you want.

Just talk to her,

and throw Debra
into the mix.

Aah... I likethat.

Except for
the "talk to her" part.

You can't do that to Ma,
she's your wife.

Go home.

Hey, Marie!

What?

Uh, you're right,

I have been making
a mess here.

We'll just go
over to Debra's.

What are you
talking about?

Yeah, yeah, I'll
get outta your hair.

No, don't be silly.

Sit.

No, no, no, it's easy enough
to go across the street.

Come on, Ray.

Why would you
do that?

You know what
you need?

Grilled cheese.

Double cheese?

No crust?

Of course.
Sit.

Would you like
a grilled cheese, Raymond?

- You got bacon?
- Of course.

How about you, Rob?

No, thank you.

Okay, then,
two grilled cheese, coming up.

I love you.

Hello?

Hey, Ma.

Yeah, yeah, Dad's here,

we're just watching
the game.

Yeah, but, uh,

she's leaving
to pick up the kids.

Does she want to know
what I'm doing?

Tell here I'm
here, too.

Robert's here, too.

I don't know,

he wanted me
to tell you.

Yeah. All right.

Okay, bye-bye.

Ma wasn't too happy
that you're here, Dad.

Good, she's getting
the message.

I came over here

because the omelet
she made me this morning

was half-assed.

You're here to punish Ma?
I think that's terrible.

No, I'll tell you
what's terrible--

a salami omelet that's
skimpy on the salami.

You know what, Ray?

Tell your mother
not to call here anymore.

I am sick of feeling like

I can't answer the phone
in my own house.

I can't tell her
not to call.

I'll do it.

All right, I'll tell her
if she needs to talk to me

to let the phone
ring once,

that'll be her signal,
then hang up and call back.

Fine. I'll use the same signal if you're
over there and I need to talk to you.

And when I pick up, you do
a little heavy breathing--

I'll be back
in half an hour.

Hello?

What's going on, Ma?

I thought you boys
could use a little snack.

Stuffed mushrooms.

Let's have it!

I know it's usually
slim pickings around here.

That's why I wanted
to bring these over

as quickly as I could.

Mmm! These are good!

Better than that omelet.

Yes, I know.
I'm sorry.

I was almost out of salami,

and I knew the omelet
wasn't right.

I should've just thrown it out
or given it to Robbie.

Well, eat up, boys,

there's plenty more
where that came from...

across the street.

Ray, your car
is blocking me, so if you--

so I'll just
take your car.

Okay?
If that's okay.

Yeah.
Okay.

Well, boys, I have
to get back.

I've got a lot
of treats to make.

Which will be
delicious.

You know, Ray, as long
as I'm taking your car,

do you want me
to gas it up for you?

Oh...

yeah, if you don't mind.

No, no, it would be fun.

Frank, I'm gonna make
cannelloni tonight.

Sounds okay.

Oh, actually, no.

Instead of cannelloni,
I'll make some lamb.

Awhole lamb.

Yeah? With that
mint jelly I like?

Of course.
Whatever you want,

h-honey.

Ohh, come on.

So, Ray, what if I bring home
a pizza for dinner?

Oh.

And maybe a nice
bottle of wine?

Ohhh.

Marie, no wine.

Frank, you rascal.

Okay, well,
I'll see you, sweetie.

Bye, Frank.
Bye, Robert.

Bye.

I love you fellas!

Bye-bye!

Oh, man!

We gotta get these two hens
together more often!

I know! I'll bet I can get a week
of golf in Myrtle Beach!

I might be able
to get Marie

up on the roof
to clean the gutters!

You two, playing your wives
against each other--

you're despicable!

Calm down, dainty duck.

Yeah, what?

We tried to get 'em
to stop fighting.

If they wanna keep it up,
why should we have to suffer?

There's a difference
between not suffering

and exploiting the situation!

You should be
supporting your wives,

bringing them together!

This is not the way
for a family to behave!

You know, while Marie's
up on the roof,

I'll have her install
a satellite dish.

Hi, Robert.

Hey, Deb.

Come on in.

All right.

Raymond around?

No, he's out buying
himself a new putter.

Isn't that nice for him?

- So, how are you?
- I'm fine.

That's good.
I'm glad one of us is fine.

You're not fine,
Robert?

Well, you know me.

I don't do well
with the tension.

It gets me
right in the gut.

And this thing
with you and my mom--

Muy tensionoso.

Is that Spanish
for "very tense?"

I don't know.

All I know is
I'm popping antacids

Iike they're
cocktail peanuts.

Come on,

this fight has gone on
long enough.

I bet you can't
even remember

why you were mad at each
other in the first place.

Why? Because your mother
is condescending,

overbearing,
patronizing...

- Okay, okay!
- manipulative--

The "why's" are
not important.

But what is important

is to remember
that life is short.

You know how
they always say

you should never
go to bed mad?

Well, I say it'd be even worse
to go to the "Big Bed" mad.

Hmm?

I'm sorry, Robert.

I-- I know
what you're saying,

but I have to tell you,

I need to start
thinking about myself

for a change.

Okay.

We know that Raymond's
thinking about himself.

Ray? What what,
what do you mean?

Huh?

What is it, Robert?

Well, maybe it's just me,

but I'm of the opinion
that a man should be

more concerned about
his family's well-being

than figuring out a way
to get his wife to let him

go on a week-long golf retreat
to Myrtle Beach.

What golf retreat?

Come on,
you haven't noticed

he's been dropping hints
like crazy?

Maybe that's because you're too busy
running around gassing up his car,

drinking wine,
and having to--

--do things
because of the wine.

Robert, all l--

Wake up, sis!

Dad and Raymond have
a laundry list of stuff

they're trying to
get out of you two!

They're exploiting
the situation,

they're playing you two
against each other,

they're laughing at you,

and it's making me sick!


But if it doesn't bother you...

you know, they say

you should never
go to bed mad.

Well, I say,

it'd be even worse
to go the Big Bed mad.

Hmm?

All right, Ma,

there's something
you should know.

And I'm only saying this

'cause I don't wanna
see you on the roof.

Hey, moonshine!

Well, here she is.

A little more expensive
than I thought,

but it'll be worth it,

you know, if I ever
go on a, I dunno,

golf retreat or something.

That's nice.

Let me ask you
something, Ray.

How long did you think

you'd be able to
use me and your Mom?

How's that?

You didn't think
I was smart enough

to see what you were doing?

I don't-- what
are you talking about?

- Don't play dumb with me!
- I'm not, this is how I am!

You know, you're not
exactly subtle.

Sitting there like
some Roman emperor.

"Bring me my pizza!
Serve me my wine!"

Pretend you're a lonely nurse!

Hey.

You know what
the guys at the lodge

were just telling me?

Apparently if you
install it yourself,

a satellite dish is actually
quite affordable.

Makes you think,
doesn't it?

Anyway, make me
a sandwich, will ya?

You want a sandwich?

Uh, roast beef, mayo,
mustard, lettuce,

tomato, cheese,
easy onion.

Sounds nice.
What kind of bread?

Let's go with
the whole wheat today,

shall we?

All right.

Ow! Hey!

Hey! Ow!

Okay, white bread, then!

You didn't think I'd catch on
to you, Mr. Sleazy Man?

Oh, I caught on.
Oh, did I catch on!

Sure, getting the two of us
to wait on you hand and foot,

exploiting the situation.

I wish this bread was stale,

I would give you a concussion!

Look who it is.

I suppose you're here
to get something to eat?

Don't ask for a sandwich.

If you're hungry,

I suggest you go back
across the street,

because this kitchen
is closed!

Her, too?

Yeah.
What happened to you?

Debra.

She started
yelling at me,

telling me I was using
her fight with Mom

for my own good.

Said I was exploiting
the situation.

Wait a minute--

"exploiting the situation,"

that's exactly what
your mother just said!

Really? Well, how did
both Mom and Debra know--

Oh, hey,
I forgot my Tums.

Well, I'm off.

Hey, Robert.

You got any idea
why Ray and l

just got our grapes
crushed by the broads?

Okay, take it easy.

Some things might have
been said in passing that--

that possibly could have
been misconstrued.

You sold us out, man!

You're a rat! We had something
good going, and you ruined it!

Okay, hold on, hold on.

You didn't have
"something good" going.

Yes, we did! For once,
I was enjoying my marriage!

Let me tell you
something.

You two got
what you deserved,

I don't care that
you're mad at me.

I'm sorry that your putter
got bent, Raymond,

And I'm sorry Ma's not
hanging off the roof

with 50 feet of cable
and a ratchet!

But, by God,

I will do whatever it takes

to make this family whole!

I think you're the family hole.

Oh, yeah?

- How'd you like to live in a hole?
- Try it! Try it!

What's going on here?

Hey, Robert,

why don't you run
crying to your mommy

and tell her about how
mean we just were to you?

Yeah, squeal on us
again, mommy-lover!

That's right,
that's right!

Shut up, Raymond.

We don't say "shut up"
in this house.

First of all,
it's never squealing

if you're telling
something to your mother.

and I happen to appreciate
Robbie letting me know

what you two
are trying to do

to Debra and me.

I would be happy

to make you
something to eat.

Wait--

one ring.

That's Debra's signal.

You can pick up
that phone, Ma.

Ma, make this right.

You can
make this right.

You can do it, Ma...

Remember that Big Bed!

Attaway, Ma!

Ma!

This was your chance!

What did we just
talk about in there?

What about the Big Bed?

All your talk
about the Big Bed,

- Why don't you tell that to Debra?
- I did!

You did?

You told her
the same thing you told me?

I was just trying to--
to show--

Ohh!
Enough.

You're a double agent.

What are you
talking about?

Yeah, that's exactly what
a double agent would say.

You didn't have
enough faith in me

to know that I would
do the right thing,

so you went
to her, too.

- You didn't do the right thing!
- That's hardly the point!

Hardly!

What he did is much worse
than what we did, right, Ma?

Shut up, Raymond.

We say it
all the time now?

Tell me something,
Robert.

Who did you talk to first
about this, Debra or me?

I don't remember.

You went to her first,

because you couldn't wait
to take her side over mine!

I'm on no one's side!

You obviously don't love me
the way I love you. Get out!

Ma, I'm on
the family's side!

Frank,
throw him out!

With pleasure!

All right,
I'm going!

But let me just
say this--

when we are all
in that Big Bed...

I'll be the only one able
to sleep through the night.

I ain't sleeping
in that bed with him,

he sleeps naked.

I wasn't going anywhere.

Don't bend 'em.

I'd like some chips.

Ohh...
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