05x20 - Marriage Minneapolis Style

[bunniefuu]

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

[Doorbell Rings]
Murray, I said 7:30.

It isn't even 7:30. That can't
be one of the guests, can it?

No. Not unless it's
somebody who can't tell time.

Happy 20th anniversary!

Ted, we said 7:30. I know it.

And it is 7...:30 now.
[Chuckles] Hi, Marie.

Hi, Ted. I'm not the
first one to arrive, am I?

Of course, you're the first one
to arrive, Ted. I can't stay then.

- I don't like being
the first one at a party.
- Don't feel bad, Ted.

We were hoping people
would arrive early. Really.

Will you excuse me
while I put my dress on?

Well, do you want
a drink, Ted? Okay.

[Sniffs] Where's Georgette?

What makes you think I
have to bring Georgette?

We swinging singles aren't tied down to one
person. That's the difference between us.

You married guys are stuck
with the same meal every night.

But to me, dating
is a smorgasbord.

My problem is
deciding who to bring.

Little pickled herring.

Lobster Newburg. Little
sweet-and-sour pork.

Or maybe just some good
old American spaghetti.

That goes with a meatball.

Well, if you had your choice of so
many, Ted, what are you doing here alone?

Georgette's out of town.

Ah.

Oh, hey, Ted. Be
the first to see this.

Marie gave it to me. What do
you think? It's a digital watch.

Hey, how do they do that?

Well, it operates on the same principle
as those clocks, you know, outside banks.

Does it give the
temperature too?

Only if you stick it
under your tongue.

Hey. Look what I got Marie.

Oh. Looks like an
engagement ring.

Oh, well it is. See, when we got
engaged, I was making $38 a week.

And she wanted a
ring, but she understood.

And now 20 years later, with my
salary almost doubled, I can afford one.

- That's dumb.
- What's dumb about it?

She married you without it.

It's like buying a hunting license
after you've already bagged a moose.

Listen, Murray, I... I've gotta get
out of here now and come back later.

I don't want people to
think I'm the first to arrive.

I mean, they might get the crazy
idea that I've got nothing better to do.

Sorry I'm late to my own party. That's
okay, honey. Ted was just leaving.

- Had a wonderful time.
[Chuckles] - You're leaving?

For a little while. I'm gonna stay in
the car, wait till more people arrive.

And then I'll make my entrance.
No one will be the wiser.

[Door Closes] Least of all, Ted.

♪♪ [Lounge] [Chattering]

Happy anniversary. Oh, Hilda!

Oh, you weren't supposed to bring presents.
I wrote on the invitation, "No presents."

Oh, everybody always says that. But you
know everybody brings presents anyway.

Where's Murray? Uh,
over there. [Chuckles]

Oh, Hi, Mary! Hi, Marie!
Happy anniversary.

Oh, thank you. Oh, Marie, I feel
terrible. I didn't bring you a present.

I didn't want you
to bring a present.

I told everybody not
to bring a present.

Yeah. Well, then what's
that? Well, you know Hilda.

She always brings presents.
But nobody else is. Oh.

Hiya, Mary. Hi, Murray.

Hey, thanks for the gift. I'll put it
in the bedroom with all the others.

Let me take your
coat. Thank you.

Hi, Mr. Grant. Oh, Hi, Mary.

Did you bring a
present? Well, sure.

But, Mr. Grant, you
weren't supposed to.

It said on the invitation,
"No presents, please."

Oh, you don't believe
those things, do ya?

You go into a subway, you see
a sign that says, "No spitting."

That doesn't mean you
don't spit if you have to.

Well, looks like a
nice party anyway.

My Uncle Fred d*ed
at a party like this.

Well, not exactly like this.
It was a costume party.

He went as Sir Galahad
and choked on a wiener.

That's one of the things I
like about you, Mr. Grant.

Never at a loss for
small talk. Mmm.

Oh, excuse me. Mary, could you
help me with something in the kitchen?

Oh, yes. [Doorbell Rings]

Ellen, honey, would
you get the door? Sure.

Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late,

but you know what a busy
schedule I've got. Hi, Mr. Baxter.

I didn't know Ted was coming
to your anniversary party.

No marriage is perfect.

Hi, guys. Oh, hiya, Ted.

Happy 20th anniversary, Murray.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

First 20 years are the
hardest, you know. [Chuckles]

Right, Lou?

I guess maybe you're the wrong
guy to ask about that, aren't you?

Oh, come to think of it,
your first 20 years were fine.

It was the second 20 that went...
[Smacks Lips] But your first 20 were...

Ted! Ted.

Have a wiener.

Thanks, Lou.

I see you're alone tonight, Ted.

Oh, I could have plenty of dates
if I wanted. Believe me, plenty.

It's just that this party was
such short notice. [Clears Throat]

Chicks need time to
prepare. Well, sure, Ted.

- Right, Ted.
- Well, they do.

They wash their hair,
for one thing. Mm-hmm.

Several of the ones I called
tonight were doing that.

Hi, Ted. Hi, Mary.

I could've had a date,
you know. Uh-huh.

Hi, Ted. Champagne?

Oh. Great party, Marie. I
could've brought a date, you know.

Would you like one,
Mr. Baxter? Oh. Yeah.

Thanks, Bonnie.
Looks like great chicken.

Uh, you're welcome, Mr. Baxter. But
the chicken is shrimp, and I'm Ellen.

I... could've had all
the dates I wanted.

Everybody, I'd like
to propose a toast.

To the happiest marriage I
know and the nicest couple.

Marie and Murray. Here, here.

Speech, speech. Mmm.

Come on. Let's hear
some words from ya.

Oh, I can't make a
speech. [Lou] Well, try.

But I will give an
endorsement. All right.

I got this guy in 1955, and
he's still as good as ever.

Mm-hmm. [All Laugh]

- I don't think they make 'em
like that anymore.
- [Laughs]

Well, that's not a bad speech.

Okay, Murr. Your turn. You've
had 20 years to prepare something.

Oh. [Lou] Yeah, come on,
Murray. What'd you write?

[Chuckles] Uh, I'd like to
make a little confession.

Uh, something I've never told
anybody before. But I'd like to say it now.

I'm bald.

Oh. No. Naw.

No, I-I wake up in
the morning, I look in

the mirror, and I say,
"Murray, you're bald."

You know, just a little.

And sometimes, when the
problems of the day mount up,

uh, I feel like I'm getting
balder by the hour.

But then when I come home,

Marie gives me a kiss and a
smile, and suddenly I'm Cary Grant.

I'm bald, but Cary Grant.

Anyway, what I wanna say
is that maybe someday...

somebody will find a
better way to grow hair.

But nobody will ever
find a better... woman.

[All Sighing] [Applause]

That was all right.

Hey, everybody, I'd
like to say something too.

I could've had a
lot of dates tonight.

[Knocking] Yeah.

Hey, Lou, uh, I want to apologize
for being so late for work this morning.

Oh, forget it. That was
a terrific party you gave.

[Laughs Weakly] Must have been.

The way I feel, it must have been
one of the great parties of the decade.

[Laughs] A little hungover, huh?

Eh, it's nothing serious.

It's just that every time the bell
on my typewriter rings, I scream.

[Laughs] Sit down.

I'm great at fixing
hangovers. Ah.

Does your head hurt?
Only when I breathe.

All right. Lean
forward and relax.

I can't, my
tongue will fall out.

Here. [Groans]

Now all of these
nerves are connected.

We learned about
this in the service.

What were they
teaching you? First aid?

Actually, it was how to k*ll a
sentry before he can yell, "Achtung!"

Hi, guys. Hiya, Ted.

Lou, have you got a moment?
I'd like to ask you a little question.

sh**t.

What is life?

Life? Yeah, what
does it all mean?

What are we all doing here?
I mean, what's it all about?

What are we all here for? Ted,

we're all here for a purpose.

My purpose is to
produce the news.

Murray's purpose
is to write the news.

And your purp...

Ted, I don't know
what we're here for.

I'm serious, Lou. Last night
after I left Murray's party, I...

I took a long,
hard look at myself.

And I... I couldn't fall asleep.

Yeah. I have trouble sleeping
with an upset stomach too.

You don't know how
I felt, Murray. Seeing

you surrounded by
your wife and your family.

By all that love.

Last night when
I went home, I...

Just lay in bed and
re-examined my whole life.

And finally when I went to
sleep, I had this terrible dream.

I dreamt I was an old man,
all wrinkled and shriveled,

sitting alone on
this park bench.

And then... And then this...
This guy walked up to me, and...

And he looked kind of familiar.

And... And he just
stood there looking at me.

Finally, I said, "Who are you?"

And he said, "I am
the son you never had."

And then... And then this woman
appeared. And I said, "Who are you?"

And she said, "I am the
daughter you never had."

And then... Then
about 20 kids appeared.

And I said, "Who are
you?" And they said,

"We're the children of the
children you never had."

And then a bunch of dogs and cats
appeared. And I said, "Who are you?"

And they said, "We're the pets of the
children of the children you never had."

Then a bunch of guys in white coats
came up. And I said, "Who are you?"

And they said, "We're the
veterinarians of the pets...

of the children of the
children you never had."

- And then... And then...
- Ted, Ted, Ted...

[Sobbing] Just skip to the finish
of the dream. Tell us how it ended.

Well, like all my dreams end,

with Marlo Thomas and
Winston Churchill applauding me.

The general concluded by saying
that the thr*at of a nuclear w*r...

is greater now than at any
time in the past 30 years.

Now I'd like to get
serious for a moment.

I guess you all know yours truly has
been this town's most eligible bachelor...

for... a long time.

Well, tonight those
days are over, my friends.

What? Did you know
anything about this?

What? That his days were over?

There's a little lady out
there. She knows who she is,

and I hope she's listening,
because this is Ted Baxter saying...

Will you marry me?

And now the weather, my darling.

Thank you very much
for calling. Good-bye.

What's the score so far? Well, 12
thought it didn't belong in the newscast.

Seven did. And four women say,

"Yes, they know who
they are, and they accept."

Thank you, Ted. That
was a lovely lunch.

Nothing's too good for
the future Mrs. Baxter.

Aw, Georgette! Hi, Mary!

Congratulations! Ah, wait... No! You're
not supposed to congratulate the woman.

Why not?

I don't know. It's
considered inappropriate.

Especially in this case.

What do you think of
this big, impetuous lug?

Popping the question right between a
nuclear w*r and a flea collar commercial.

[Chuckles] Sure made me jump.

And then my phone started
to ring. It was my mother.

- She'd seen it too.
- Oh. What'd she say?

She got very excited. And I
said, "Mother, I know how you feel,

but it's my life to
throw away if I want to."

[Chuckles]

Big, impetuous lug.

- Have you set a date?
- I'll leave that up to Ted.

Right. Once Baxter makes his mind up,
events move forward with blinding speed.

Listen, I've got some top level
arrangements to take care of, okay?

- All right. Bye, Mary. Bye, Murray.
- [Together] Bye.

Bye, honey. Big, impetuous lug.

[Giggles]

I'll call you tomorrow, honey.

I don't want to get married!

Ted?

I don't! I don't
want to get married!

Ted, you're just suffering the
normal reaction of a man who...

I don't want to get married. of
a man who suddenly finds that...

I don't want to get married. that
he doesn't want to get married.

Ted, listen to me. You
just got cold feet, that's all.

From what I hear, it
happens to everybody.

Men, women, both. I
mean, it's a big commitment.

You suddenly realize
that marriage is forever.

[Sobs] And... it
scares you. Briefly.

But the point is, you're not
the first person to feel this way.

Oh, sure, it's easy
for you to say. You're

on the outside watching
the gate swing shut.

Well, ask Murray then.

Go on.

Go on.

Get.

I felt the same way, Ted.

Really? Absolutely.
Mary's right.

I mean, it's perfectly
normal to have second

thoughts. So don't
you worry about it.

Really? Really.

Really? Really.

[Chuckles] You don't know how much
better that makes me feel to hear that.

I don't mind telling
you, I was a little upset.

Ah, well, you covered
it beautifully. Yeah.

Well, you guys placed my mind at ease.
Thanks a lot. You're really good friends.

Oh, hey. Say, is Lou in
his office? Yeah, he is.

All right. Guess I'll go in and pass the
time of day. Talk about wedding plans.

You know, stuff like that.

Guy talk.

I don't want to get married!

Well, what do you want
me to do about it? Help me!

How? I don't know.

Maybe I should go out of town.

Well, now, Ted. That's
a tempting notion.

No, I wouldn't have to really.

What we do, is
before each newscast,

we announce that I'm
broadcasting via satellite from Brazil.

Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous. No,
we could fake it. It'd be easy, Lou.

We just get a new weather map
with some Spanish numbers on it.

No, Ted, no! Forget it.

Lou, you seem to be forgetting
that I saved your life once.

You never did! What if I didn't? I
would have. All you have to do is ask.

Ted, if you don't want to get married,
tell Georgette. Just grow up and be a man.

We've got a show
to do. All right.

Those are your feelings
and I respect them.

But before I go, I'd like to take an
additional moment of your valuable time...

to offer a further word on the subject
which I think deserves your consideration.

Please!

Think about that, will you, Lou?

[Knocking]

Mary, come on in.
Ted, are you all right?

Who me? Yeah. Tip-top.
First class. Grade "A."

Well, then why did
you ask me down here?

I need your help,
Mary. Please, sit down.

Ted, I don't want to sit
down. It's almost airtime.

No, no. This-This takes
priority. Sit. Ted, really...

Sit! Sit!

I'm sorry. Please, forgive me.

Mary? Mary, I
called you because...

Because I believe of all my so-called
friends, you're the only true one.

You're the only one I
can count on. You're the

one who'll put her
hand in the fire for me.

Ted, I'm not gonna put my hand in anything
until you tell me what it is you want.

I want you to tell Georgette...

that I'm going to Brazil.

You're bananas.
No, I'm serious, Mary.

Ted, That is the dumbest
lie I ever heard of.

[Chuckling] It's a fib, Mary,
not a lie. "Lie" is an ugly word.

Just a fib. A tiny fib. Why me?

'Cause anybody who'd look at you would
know that nothing as disgusting as a lie...

could ever pass between
those innocent Kewpie-doll lips.

Ted, you are going to have
to tell Georgette the truth.

[Exhales] Mary, I'm not ready for
marriage. I can't handle responsibility.

Look at my old man. He walked out
on my mother when I was two years old.

It's a shame he didn't
walk out three years sooner.

[Laughs]

Ah, I wouldn't expect
you to understand.

Your folks are still married.
Probably runs in your family.

You could get married as many times
as you like, and they'll all work out.

Mary, all I want you to do is
tell Georgette I'm going to Brazil.

And I'm too busy to talk to her because
I'm... I'm practicing my Spanish lessons.

- Oh.
- Mary, you can't fool me.

You can't fool me. You'll
lie for me. Mark my words.

When the chips are down, you'll go along
with me. I will go along with you, Ted,

only if you tell the truth. All
right, all right. I'll tell the truth.

I'll tell the truth.
[Phone Rings]

¿Buenos días?

[Ted On TV] The United States
Bureau of Mines announced today...

that oil shale refining plants
could be built in this country...

resulting in cheaper oil for
the United States. [Clicks Off]

What are you doing? Ted
still has several more minutes.

I know. But I can't watch anymore.
He's bad enough when he's happy.

But the past four days,
he's been impossible.

Today he asked me if
the station could issue...

a retraction for a
marriage proposal.

Hi, Murray. Hiya, Georgette.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Georgette.

Bye, Georgette. Bye, Murray.

Bye, Murr. Bye, Mary.

Well, well. We haven't
seen you in a few days.

How's... everything?

Terrible. Mary, I
have to talk to you.

Why, sure. Mary,
I can't marry him.

I said I would, but I won't. I
thought I wanted to, but I don't.

But I haven't told
him I won't. Why not?

I can't.

Georgette, let's take
this one step at a time.

Uh, why don't you
want to marry Ted?

Well, he made up some ridiculous
story about being sent to Brazil.

And I think anybody that scared
of marriage isn't ready for it.

He told you that?
That's terrible.

No, Mary. That's nice.

Nice? Sure. He was
only telling me that...

because he wanted
to spare my feelings.

He didn't want to hurt
me by rejecting me.

Well, yeah, I
guess that is nice.

No, that's terrible!

Because how can I hurt his feelings now
by telling him I don't want to marry him?

Yeah, that is difficult.
No, that's easy.

I'm just pretending to believe
what he says about Brazil. You are?

Yes.

So, Mary, when Ted tells his
lie and pretends it's the truth,

and you see me pretending it's
the truth even though I know it's a lie,

please don't say it's a lie
even though you know it is.

Right.

See, Mary? That way we
can call off the marriage.

And then in a week or so,
Ted can phone me and say...

they've canceled his trip to Brazil,
and I can pretend to believe him.

And we can go back
to the way we were.

Yeah. [Clears Throat]
Well, that's... that's sensible.

No, it's stupid!

But it's the best
I can think of.

[Exhales] Well, all right,
Georgette. I'll go along with you.

But it's not gonna be
easy. Boy, am I mad at him!

Well, Mary, if I'm not mad
at him, why should you be?

I'm mad at him because of
what he did to somebody...

who's not mad at
him after what he did.

Mary, sometimes you talk funny.

It's just not gonna
be easy, that's all.

[Clears Throat] Hi,
Georgette. Hi, Ted.

Hi, Mar, old buddy.
[Quietly] The chips are down.

I told Georgette about
going to Brazil for a year.

And Mary can confirm that. Can't
you, Mar? Yeah, Ted. I can confirm that.

Lou insisted that I go.
Right, Mar? Yes, Ted.

So I'll be doing my
reports via satellite.

[Exhales] Right, Mar? Yes, Ted.

I guess that'll kind of
postpone things for a while.

Yes, Ted. Well, it's been
really fun being engaged to you.

Have a nice time in
Brazil. Hasta la vista.

See, Mar. I know you
better than you know yourself.

I knew when the chips were down,
you'd come through and lie for me.

Lie for you? Why
would I lie for you?

You know perfectly well Lou's
not sending me to Brazil for a year.

[Chuckles] Oh, no. No.

For six months.

Six months? Yeah. Well, we could
only get the visa for six months.

But I'm sure once you're there,
they'll be able to give us an extension.

By the way, the sh*ts are
only good for three months.

So be sure you get a
booster when you can, huh?

What sh*ts?

Well, you know, the usual...
typhoid, malaria, yellow fever.

Yellow fever?

Yeah. Oh, well, I'm sure there's no
chance of your contracting it in the city,

but where you're going, I understand
it's the second highest cause of death.

What's the first highest cause? Oh,
Ted, I don't think you wanna know that.

But I understand it's what
k*lled Mr. Grant's Uncle Fred.

Took him two years
to die. Two years?

Yeah, the plant was
a very slow eater.

Ha-ha! Come on, Mar.
You're lyin', aren't you?

Aren't you? Aren't you? Ted! Would
these innocent Kewpie-doll lips lie to you?

Lou! Oh, he's not in there.

No, he went to see about
your insurance policy.

He's trying to get them to
insert a quicksand clause.

[Sobbing] Lou! Lou, Why?
Why me? Why you, what?

Well, if it's yellow fever and
those sh*ts. And quicksand.

And hungry plants. What are
you sending me to Brazil for?

Coffee.

Oh, Lou!

Lou?

Will you just answer
me one question? Hmm?

Mary just told me about your
Uncle Fred. Now tell me the truth.

- How did he die?
- Choked.

Got him around the throat, huh?

No. Inside the throat.

Oh, my Lord. What
a lousy way to go.

Eh, it was his own fault.
He was eatin' too fast.

That's funny. I heard
he was eaten slowly.

Hey, Lou. What do you
call that thing that got him?

A wiener.

[Mews]