05x21 - You Try to Be a Nice Guy

[bunniefuu]

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

[Doorbell Buzzing] Who is it?

[Woman] See? I knew
you wouldn't remember me.

Son of a g*n! How are you?

- You don't remember me.
- Of course I do!

Come on in. Who am I?

You and I shared
the same... Cell.

When I was in... Jail.

That time I got... Arrested.

For not revealing
my news source.

Well, come on in... Sherry.

Sherry!

How have you been? Fine. You?

Fine. You look terrific.

Thanks. You too. Thanks.

Okay, why don't
we cut the crapola?

Good, good. I was
just gonna suggest that.

Mary, I got busted again.

Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, it seems like lately, every time
I strike up a conversation with a guy,

he turns out to be
with the vice squad.

Of course, it's my own fault.

I should've been suspicious when I
saw that tattoo of Jack Webb on his arm.

Anyway, I got to
thinking about that night...

that you and I spent
in the cell together.

Remember how you wanted a
toothbrush so bad, and I got you one?

And you said if there was ever
anything you could do for me,

I should be sure
and let you know?

Well, I'm lettin' you know.

You want your toothbrush back?

All I want you to do is come down
to the court with me tomorrow...

and tell the judge
that you know me.

See, I have to show him I
know some upstanding citizens,

and you're the only
upstanding citizen I know.

I mean, socially.

It'll only take about an hour.

Yeah, sure, I'd be glad to.

Gee, that's great. I can't tell
you how much I appreciate it.

Oh, no, it's all right. The same
courthouse, Friday at 11:00.

Okay. Hey, maybe we could
have lunch together afterwards.

No, no, no. Forget it,
forget it. Let's not have lunch.

You probably like to eat in those
places where they cut off all the crusts.

You know, I don't
understand something.

I do you a favor, and you're
giving me all these little sh*ts.

Mary, I'd be enchanted...

to have lunch with you tomorrow.

- In fact, let's make
a firm date, shall we?
- Okay.

Right after my
appearance in court.

The only thing that
could possibly interfere...

is if you screw up and they
throw me back in the slammer.

[Barking]

It's me, Mrs. Goldman!

Gee, that sounds like some dog.

It's not a dog. It's Mrs.
Goldman across the hall.

She barks to scare away burglars.
She does a very good imitation.

She should. She's had three
months of obedience school.

Oh, well, well.

This is... nice.

This is really... very nice.

Who says a house is not a home?

[Clears Throat]

How come you didn't say
anything about my four mink coats?

What am I supposed to say?

"Four mink coats?" Oh.

Well, I guess I just feel funny about
people wearing dead animals for coats.

Yeah? Well, if you wear 'em when
they're alive, they claw your neck.

You want a drink?
No, no, thank you.

Listen, uh, Sherry, there's...

There's something I think
you and I have to talk about.

You know, yesterday,
you said you just

wanted me to come
down to court for an hour,

and, well, it didn't
work out that way.

I had to tell the judge that I
would keep an eye on you...

and help you find a job.

Don't worry about that.
Well, I have to worry about it.

I mean, I swore that in
court. Boy, did you ever.

You had one hand on the
Bible, one hand on your heart,

you were looking at the American
flag, and your voice trembled.

You brought tears
to the bailiff's eyes.

Does all this mean you
are not gonna look for a job?

Mary, let me tell you something.

A lot of my friends think they're gonna
do something with their lives one day.

Some think that they're
gonna open boutiques,

write novels, be dentists.

I have a friend Kim who thinks
she's gonna own a big horse ranch.

But unless she's in Roy Rogers's
will, it's not gonna happen.

What does that have to
do with looking for a job?

Because I'm a realist.
Who's gonna hire me?

My previous experience is not
the kind of previous experience...

you put on a job application.

Sherry, I'm sure we could
find you some kind of job.

What about secretarial work?

I can't type.

- How about bookkeeping?
- I can't add.

Well, what... [Phone Ringing]

Hello? No.

Because I'm quitting.

No, I'm not having a
"going out of business" sale.

Mary, it's been really
keen knowing you.

Now, let's not spoil it all with all
this job business. Understand?

No. No, I don't. Sherry, look.

You got me into this in the first
place. Now, I do not enjoy being used.

Come on. It was a
little fun, wasn't it?

Sherry, I put myself on the line
for you. [Mrs. Goldman Barking]

Now you're gonna live up
to your part of the bargain.

Tomorrow we are gonna look for a job
for you, and that's the way it's gonna be.

[Barking Continues] You understand?
Oh, shut up, Mrs. Goldman!

Hi, Murray. Hi, Murray.

Hi, Georgette, Ted. How's
the car rental business?

Just rollin' along.

[Chuckles] That's kind of
a car rental agency joke.

- [Chuckles]
- We just came back from lunch.

We were celebrating this letter I
got from a university yesterday.

I know. Harvard wants you
to leave your brain to Yale.

Go ahead and laugh.

In a week and a half, you
won't be laughing at Ted Baxter.

You'll be laughing
at Dr. Ted Baxter.

Ted's getting an
honorary degree.

Oh. Watching Ding Dong
School has finally paid off, huh?

Ding Dong School
nothin'! It's for a college.

Rutledge College.

They like to get a celebrity to
speak at their graduation ceremony,

and they give them a
degree to get them to come.

They wanted to
give me a master's,

but my agent
held out for a Ph.D.

Yeah, I've heard of Rutledge.

It isn't exactly one of
your class universities.

The school mascot is a fungus.

I didn't know that.

Maybe all the big
animals were taken.

Anyway, Murr, I was thinking
maybe if you've got a moment,

you could, you know, take a moment to
kind of check over my acceptance speech.

Sure. Okay.

Here it goes.

"Friends, faculty
members, fellow Ph.D. guys.

Tonight, I... "Hi, Mary.

You're just in time to
hear Ted's acceptance

speech for his honorary
doctor's degree.

- Hi, Mary. Who's your friend?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Sherry Ferris, this is
Georgette, Murray and Ted.

Dr. Ted.

Well, I'm gonna see
Mr. Grant. I'll be right back.

Would you like to hear my
acceptance speech? [Lou] Come in.

[Ted Continues, Indistinct]

Mr. Grant?

I don't know why
anyone puts pimentos...

in perfectly...

In perfectly good bologna.

Why can't they leave 'em
in olives where they belong?

What do you need, Mary?

Well, Mr. Grant,
I have a friend...

Well, no, she's not exactly a friend.
She's more of an acquaintance.

Well, you met her. Her
name is Sherry Ferris.

When you came to visit me that time
in jail, she was in the same cell with me.

She was the, um...
the, um... Mary, Mary.

I know life. I've been around.

I've been on the streets
since I was six years old.

You're afraid to use the
word. I'll say the word for you.

- She's a lady of the evening.
- Right.

"And so I accept this honor.

"Today, I'm a doctor.
God bless America.

And... thank you."

[Chuckles] Well, guys,
what do you think?

- You wrote that?
- Yeah.

Boy, you got a lot
of guts to admit it.

Thank you.

I know you love it.

Murr, what'd you think of it?

Thanks anyway, Mr. Grant.

Well, Mr. Grant doesn't know of
any jobs, but he's gonna keep looking.

I know of a job. Really?

Yes. The girl who works with me at
the car rental agency just got fired today.

Do you think Sherry
would have a chance?

Sure. If you want, I
can take you over...

and introduce you
to the manager.

Only thing is, you have to be
good at dealing with people.

Have you had much
experience with the public?

Wanna grab some lunch, Mary?
Thanks, Mr. Grant, but I made other plans.

Oh. I thought I'd, uh, go
over to that German place.

The food's kind of good,
and you can still get up...

some pretty lively
conversations about the w*r.

Sure you don't wanna come?
No, no, it sounds like a lot of fun.

But I promised Sherry I'd have lunch
with her. It's her first day on the job.

Oh. Okay.

I... I know this is
none of my business,

but like I said, I don't
think it's a good idea...

for you to get too
friendly with that girl.

- Mr. Grant!
- I'm serious, Mary.

Someone like Sherry can influence
your life. You know what I mean?

That's ridiculous!

Look, when I was in
college, there was this bar...

where a lot of girls hung out.

There was this one
girl named Louise.

Young, pretty.

I kind of liked her.

Yeah, I kind of liked her, and I
thought maybe I could change her life.

So one night after
the bar closed,

I offered to drive her home.

And after we pulled
up to her trailer,

I turned to her and I said, "Louise,
you're young. You're intelligent.

"Take a good look at what
you're doing to your life...

before it's too late."

I spoke to her for a whole hour.

You know what she said?

"That'll be 20 bucks."

Mary, that kind of
woman doesn't change,

and I just don't wanna see your life
get messed up because of Sherry.

Oh, Mr. Grant, my life
isn't gonna get messed up.

Oh, I don't know, Mary. You're
different since you met her.

Wait a minute!
How am I different?

Just give me one example
of how I'm different.

Remember a year or so ago when
we were doing that series of reports...

on America's changing
sexual attitudes?

Yes. What'd you say?

I don't know. I can't remember
something I said a year ago.

I'll tell you what
you said. You said,

"Let's not put it on.

What people don't
know won't hurt 'em."

Not a great motto for a
news show, is it, Mary?

But that's what you said.

And now, la dolce vita.

Mr. Grant.

You know, you
may be right. Yeah?

You know what I did
the other day? What?

I went down to the docks, Yeah?

And I wrote my name...

and my number in a phone booth.

"For a hot time, call Mary. 30
million Frenchmen can't be wrong."

Hi, Mr. Grant.

Well, well! Sherry, look at you!

Doesn't she look
terrific, Mr. Grant?

Very nice.

Sherry's so much
fun to work with.

You should've heard this
funny thing she said this morning.

These two tricks came in and
wanted... [Continues, Indistinct]

Now you wait a minute,
Georgette. Two tricks?

That's what Sherry calls the
customers at the car rental place.

I guess I'll just go get
some lunch now, Mary.

Girls. You ready for lunch?

Oh, maybe I better run to the girls'
room and wash up before we go.

The girl they fired at work
locked herself in the bathroom...

and says she won't come out
till they give her her job back...

and free all the
political prisoners.

So, the first day on the
job. How does it feel?

Terrific. I'm
quitting. Quitting?

On a scale of one to 10,

I'd say that job
didn't make the scale.

Oh, come on, Sherry. How
bad can it be? Georgette loves it.

Georgette loves
licking envelopes.

Coming, coming, coming, coming.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Hadn't seen you
in a couple of days,

so I just thought I'd stop by
and see how you're gettin' on.

Fine, fine. Fine.

You managing okay? Fine, fine.

Well, that's just fine.

What have you been doin'
with yourself? Oh, this and that.

Well, when you
say "this and that,"

do you mean primarily
"this" and not so much "that,"

or a lot of "that" and
not so much of "this"?

Mary, when I said "this
and that," I didn't mean that!

Oh, come on. I know
that. I didn't mean that.

I just wondered if you were
having any luck finding a job.

Yeah, I've been having
a lot of luck. Really?

I didn't get a job.

Look, Mary, I've been
through the want ads

every day. There's
nothing here that I like.

There's gotta be something you
wanna do, something you wanna be.

Yeah, there is.

I've been seriously thinking of
becoming a burden on society.

Outside of that, nothing
really interests me.

What about dreams? Didn't you
ever dream of being somebody?

Everybody has
that kind of dream.

Yeah? What's yours?

Well, I've had my dreams.

I just don't like to tell 'em.

I don't want anyone
to laugh at me.

But sometimes when
I'm alone in the newsroom,

my mind wanders, and
I dream about being...

this famous ballerina.

I know what you mean. I've
had dreams like that myself.

Terrific. What are your dreams?

I used to dream that
I'd like to become...

a... a dress designer.

Well, that's wonderful.
Did you ever try it?

Yeah, once in high school,
I made a dress for a friend.

- I fitted it right on her.
- And did she like it?

I hope so. I forgot
to put the zipper in.

As far as I know,
she's still in it.

Why don't you give it a try
for just a couple of weeks?

You might find you
have a real flair for this.

Nah. Come on! What
do you have to lose?

Nah!

What's the matter, Sherry?
Afraid to take a chance?

Afraid you'll find out
you don't have the talent?

Just don't have the
guts to try it. Is that it?

That's it, cookie.

[Doorbell Buzzing]

You wanna go out to dinner? I've been
cooped up in my place for a solid week.

I figure I deserve a night out.
You've been designing dresses.

No. I came over to show
you my dry cleaning.

[Chuckles] How'd they turn out?

See for yourself.

Uh, it's a little
present for you.

I designed it especially
for you. I hope it fits.

Oh, Sherry.

I'll go put it on.

[Doorbell Buzzing] Oh, listen.

Can you answer
that for me? Oh, yeah.

Hi. Oh, hi, Sherry.

Where's Mary? She's in there
getting dressed. Come on in.

She'll be right out. Ted
just got his honorary degree.

Wanna see my diploma?
It's real sheepskin.

Gee. It must've been m*rder
getting him in the typewriter.

That's funny. Get it, Ted?

Well, sure I get it. I'm a Ph.D.

Ah. It's very nice, Ted. Thanks.

They let me keep the
tassel to my cap too.

I got it hanging in
my rearview mirror.

You know, it's... it's always been
one of the big regrets in my life...

to never of had a
chance to go to college.

College.

Flirtation Walk,

fraternity handshakes,
panty raids,

election of the homecoming
queen, Kissing Rock.

Yeah.

Higher education must
be a wonderful thing.

Look, I'm not sure if this fits.

Oh, that's terrible.

Well... No.

I forgot the most important
part. It must be in the car.

I'll be right back. Oh!

You know, she, uh...
She designed this.

Sherry did.

She designed it
especially for me.

[Clears Throat]

Get me a glass of water.

But, Ted, you just
had all that soda.

Get me a glass of water!

It's very nice.

It sure shows off your skin.

Speaking of skin, you
wanna see my diploma?

Maybe later, Ted. Georgette,
am I being too critical,

or is this dress really awful?

I don't know. It looks so
terrible on you, I can't tell.

You never looked so
fantastic in your life. Ted!

Could I have a glass of water?

I've never seen you so thirsty.

I know this may sound
insane to you, Mary,

but on those occasions
when I dream of you,

you're... you're
dressed exactly like that.

Ted, please don't
look at me that way.

It's all right. I'm a doctor.

- Ted, you're making me nervous.
- I'm making you nervous?

You're making me crazy!

You are scrunching
up your diploma.

I don't care anymore.

Ted, are you through yet? I
gave you a little extra time...

because you always act
so silly about things like this.

Ted, do you want me
to get a dress like that?

I want every woman in the
free world to get a dress like that.

Georgette, what am
I gonna tell Sherry?

She really thinks
she can be a designer.

Well, I always think
honesty is the best policy.

Unless telling the truth
hurts someone's feelings,

in which case I
think it's better to lie.

Well, I can't lie. I
always blush when I lie.

If you don't blush on your legs
and stomach, nobody will notice.

Mary, would it be easier if Ted
and I left when you talk to Sherry?

Yes. I think it would.
I hope you don't mind.

No, we don't mind. Well, I mind.

I wanna stay.

There. This is what it needed.

There! What do you
think? You like it?

Well, it's...
certainly original.

And it's colorful. It's
very, very colorful.

Ted, we have to
leave. No, we don't.

Ted, I'm only gonna
tell you this once:

Move it or lose it.

[Ted] Okay, okay!

[Door Closes]

Well. Well, what do you think?

Well, Sherry, it's just not
my particular taste, you know?

I mean, I'm just a
little... old-fashioned,

modest, um...

I mean, you know, when we
were kids, we used to play doctor.

I used to play the receptionist.

You don't like the dress?

Well, I think I gotta be
honest. I just don't think...

you have the talent
to be a designer.

You think it stinks?
No. Come on.

Now, "stinks"... That's a
pretty strong word. Lousy?

Yeah, lousy. I
could go with lousy.

Sherry, I think I just have
to be honest with you here.

I don't think you're gonna
make it as a designer.

You really don't
think so? I really don't.

Gee. What am I gonna
say to the guy that hired me?

The guy that hired you?

Yeah. I took my designs to this
dress manufacturer this afternoon.

He loved 'em. He wants
me to start work tomorrow.

That's terrific! Well, Sherry, I
feel so stupid about what I just said.

Oh, no, don't feel stupid.
He didn't like this one either.

He thought green was the
wrong color for a bridal gown.

Well, okay. Give me a second, I'll change,
and we'll have a celebration dinner.

Leave it on! If you spill
something on the front,

you've got a 50-50
chance it'll miss.

[Doorbell Buzzing]

Who is it? Lou.

Hi, big fella.

I'm kidding. I'm only kidding.

[Mews]