06x04 - Murray in Love

[bunniefuu]

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

[Doorbell Rings]

Hiya, Mar. Murr, hi.

Hey, I brought you a present.
It's a goldfish. It certainly is.

I went past this pet shop and saw it in
the window and said Mary oughta have that.

So I went in, bought
it, and there it is. Well.

Isn't it terrific? Yeah. He
sure is a good little swimmer.

[Laughs]

Yeah. Murr, thanks.

Oh, you're welcome. Well,
where are you gonna put it?

Down, I think.

Hey, you know,
goldfish make great pets.

They don't chase cars.
You don't have to walk 'em.

And they never get
in heat, so you don't

have other goldfish
howling under the window.

Actually, Mary, I didn't
come here to bring

you the goldfish. That
was just an excuse.

I wanted to talk to you about something,
'cause, uh, you see, I have this problem.

Well, Murr, if you have a problem
and you wanna talk about it,

- you didn't have
to bring me a goldfish.
- You don't know my problem.

For this, I should've
brought a whale.

[Doorbell Rings] Oh, excuse me.

Yeah.

Hi. We're your neighbors
from across the hall,

and we just thought we'd come
over and get ourselves acquainted.

I'm Sally Jo Hodgekiss,
and this is Paula Kovak.

Hi. I'm Mary
Richards. Come on in.

I hope we didn't
pick a bad time.

Nice to meet you, and
you too, Mr. Richards.

Oh, no, no, no.

Uh, my name is Slaughter.
Uh, Murray Slaughter.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
y'all were married.

- No.
- [Laughs] No.

Oh, well, uh, who
cares nowadays?

Real nice to have y'all with us.

Uh, thanks, but I don't
live here, and I gotta go.

Oh, well, Murr, what about the,
uh... If we interrupted anything...

Oh, no, no. I was on
my way anyway. Really.

Well, it's nice to meet you,
girls. And I'll see you, Mar.

But, Murr, what did you want to
talk to me about? Oh, nothing really.

But you said you had a problem.

Oh. Well, no. That was just an
excuse to bring you the goldfish.

Well, listen, sit, uh, down.

Would you like some coffee?
No, thank you. No, thanks.

We've really been looking
forward to meeting you.

We're just dying to hear all
about you... gory details and all.

[Chuckles] What do you do?

Well, I'm in television. TV? You
work in TV? Paula, she works in TV.

I heard.

It's news. I produce the
Six O'Clock News at WJM.

WJ... Isn't that the
one with Ted Baxter?

Yes.

Well, um, do you actually, you
know, get to talk to him and everything?

Yes. Oh, and he
talks back to you?

Uh-huh. Wow.

- What do you do?
- We're nurses.

Nurses. Gee, I always
wondered about a nurse's life.

I mean, you work with
sick people all day long,

and yet you're always
so cheery and bright.

- How do you do that?
- You really gotta love it.

Hey, Murr. Remember,
the other day, you said

you had something
you wanted to talk about.

Oh. Oh, that. Well, that's kind
of a personal problem, Mary.

Uh, I can't talk about it here.

Problem?

It sounds like my department.

- Mary, would you excuse us?
- No, Ted.

You wanna whisper
it to me? No, Ted.

You won't shock me, you know. I
know about life. I'm an anchorman.

Ted, there is nothing to tell.

Now, I don't judge
people, Murray.

Nothing you've done
can be so loathsome,

weird and perverted
that I won't understand.

And if I don't understand, you
can probably explain it to me.

I may giggle at first, but that
doesn't mean that I won't understand.

Ted, will you get off my back?

Did you see that, Mary? Is
that typical, or is that typical?

Yeah, Ted, that
was certainly typical.

Nobody ever confides in me. Ted.

Nobody ever asks for my advice.

They go to Lou. Never to me.

Last night, my brother called me
long-distance because he had a problem.

- You know what he wanted?
- What?

Lou's phone number.

Nobody ever tells me anything.

Ted, it's just that some people think
personal matters should remain personal.

So do I. What's Murray done?

Drinking... I'll bet that's it.
I'll bet he's hitting the sauce.

Or he's got a broad, or
he's committed a crime. Ted,

whatever is bothering Murray
is probably no different...

from the kinds of problems
that bother you and me.

An ingenious theory.

Cover for me, will you,
Mary? I gotta talk to Lou.

Murray, while you're in there, will
you find out what my brother wanted?

[Lou] Come in.

Uh, I hate to bother you, Lou,
but I gotta talk to somebody.

- I know it.
- What do you mean
you know it?

You've been acting funny.

It was just a matter of time before
you came to me. Sit down, Murray.

Boy, this is fantastic, Lou. You
must have a sixth sense. Not really.

For one thing, last week, you wrote up the
same feature story three different times.

I did? Well, it's a lucky thing you
happened to remember it. Mm-hmm.

It's hard to forget
a two-headed duck.

- Murray, what's the matter?
- Uh, well, it's not
so easy, Lou.

I mean, you just don't
blurt these things out.

Murray's gambling again.
That's what it is, isn't it?

You want me to
sit in on this, Lou?

No, thanks, Ted.

Suppose you need an extra
head. We have a duck standing by.

You see, Lou, I have
to tell somebody.

And yet, it's not the
kind of thing I can tell you.

- Come on, Murray. Nothing's that bad.
- Oh, this is. This is bad, Lou.

Bad, huh? Worse than that.

- Worse than this?
- Worse than that.

But... Oh, look,
it's no use, Lou.

As much as I gotta tell
somebody, I just can't tell you.

You know why? It's
the atmosphere in here.

This is an office. You can't
say personal stuff in here.

You and I are going downstairs
to the bar. No, it's no use, Lou.

I'm still not gonna
tell ya. Yes, you will.

That's why I'm interrupting
very important work...

in the middle of
a very busy day...

just to take my buddy
down to the bar...

so I can listen to his problem.

The minute you hit that
place, you'll talk. You'll see.

And, Murray, it better be bad.

We're going down
to the bar for a drink.

Is, uh, everything all right?

Sure, terrific.
Couldn't be better.

Hard dr*gs? Illness?
su1c1de? Perversion?

See what I mean, Mary?

- Nobody ever turns to me.
- Oh, Ted.

Just once,

I wish somebody around here would treat
me as though I had a brain in my head.

Just once, I... I wish somebody
would ask me for advice.

Ted?

I need some advice.

- Don't toy with me, Mary.
- I'm not.

You asked for someone to confide
in you. Well, I'm gonna confide in you.

I don't believe you. Why
should you confide in me?

I'm confiding in you...

because... you live
in an apartment, right?

And you're familiar with the kinds of
problems that arise in an apartment.

You are gonna confide in me.

Mary's gonna confide in me.

It's about this
neighbor of mine.

Right. Check. Neighbor.
What neighbor?

Well, there are two girls.

And, uh, they're very nice.
They live across this hall from me.

But one of them... Hold it. You
better give it to me from the top.

I am giving it to you
from the top, Ted.

Right. Uh, uh... One of
them's a bit of a problem.

Girl, neighbor, problem.

[Sighs] Anyway, this
Sally Jo wants to be friends.

As a matter of fact, she
assumes that we are friends.

She drops in at all hours, day
and night. It really bothers me.

You know, I'm a private person.

Private person.

I just don't know
how to deal with it.

Well, this is a big
assignment, Mary.

No one's asked for my advice, and I'm
gonna give you the best thinking possible.

I'm gonna talk
to Lou about this.

Hi, Al. Oh. How you doing, Lou?

Just fine. Two
double scotches, Al.

Gee, Lou, I haven't
had breakfast yet.

Slice a banana in one of those.

Lou! Lou, I gotta talk to you.

I'm busy, Ted. I've got this
problem I've got to solve.

Well, then go solve it, Ted.

Yeah. You're right, Lou.

This one's my baby.
I'll solve it alone.

Girl, nuisance, neighbor.

Ted, we're trying to talk.

Well, go ahead and talk. While you're
solving your problem, I'll be solving mine.

- Where, Ted?
- There.

Okay, sh**t. Okay, Lou.

I told you it was bad.
Well, I wasn't kidding.

How are you guys
coming with your problem?

Ted, get out of this bar.

I've got a right
to stay here, Lou.

No, you don't, Ted. Yes, I do.

No, you don't, Ted.

You see, there's an
F.C.C. regulation...

that forbids a newsman going on
the air with liquor on his breath...

and a pushed-in face.

Well, if it's an F.C.C. rule.

All right, Murray.
Now, what's so bad?

Lou? Hmm?

I'm in love.

Well, what-what do
you mean, in love?

You mean fooling
around, having an affair?

No. I mean love...
Genuine, romantic love.

Well, Murray, that's...
That's bad, all right.

But it's... it's not that bad.

No. Who you in love with?

Mary.

Mary who?

Murray, let's just forget...

that this whole
conversation ever took place.

What do you mean,
conversation, Lou? All I said was...

Don't say it again.
Well, I gotta say it, Lou.

I love Mary. [Grunts]

Ah, that's crazy. How can you love
her? Well, why shouldn't I love her?

For over five years, we've
worked side by side, day after day.

I mean, haven't
you ever felt it, Lou?

Didn't you ever sit in the
newsroom at the end of a long day,

all hot and sweaty and rotten?

And there she was,
all sweet and perfumed.

And you suddenly had
this tremendous urge to...

Stop right there, Murray!

Don't you finish that sentence.

Lou, all I wanna do
is... Not another word.

Lou, all I wanna do is
touch her... I warning you.

Her face, Lou! That's all. Just
touch her face. Just touch it.

Don't do that.

Well, all I wanna do is touch
her, just touch it. Don't do that!

Listen, fella,
not in this place.

Uh...

Murray, you've known
Mary for six years.

What made you suddenly
decide that you're in love with her?

Well, a couple of weeks
ago, I had my 45th birthday.

And I said to myself, "What
do I really want from life?

What do I really feel inside?" And
the first thing I thought about was Mary.

I mean, it suddenly dawned
on me that I was in love with her.

That's not love.

That's middle age.

I go through the same thing
every time I look at Joey Heatherton.

Well, whatever it is,
I'm gonna do something

about it. I'm gonna
tell her that I love her.

Murray, why? Well,
because, Lou...

Now, look, this may sound
crazy to you, but suppose...

Just suppose... that she
feels the same way about me.

Look, I don't wanna go
through life thinking that...

I may have loved a person who
loved me back and I never told her.

So I'm gonna tell her, and I'm
gonna tell her today. Uh, uh...

Murray, you want
my advice? Yeah, Lou.

Think... Think it over
for a while. Sleep on it.

It always works for me
with Joey Heatherton.

Okay, Lou, I'll think it over.

But I know I'm not
gonna change my mind.

I'll tell her tomorrow.
Murray. Murray!

But where will it lead?
I mean, what if you do?

- What happens then?
- Well, why does anything
have to happen?

Well... Well, Murray, listen.

Loving someone does
imply certain consequences.

Oh, not necessarily.
Not this kind of love.

You see, Lou, I still believe
a man can love pure...

and chaste from afar.

Why not? Why can't he?

I think he can.

"Pure and chaste from afar?"

That from a song? Yeah.

What's the song?

"The Impossible Dream."

[Doorbell Rings]

Hi, Mary. I just got off work,
and I wasn't doing anything. Hi.

I figured if you weren't doing
anything, we could do it together.

Well, actually, Sally Jo, I
have a date coming over,

and I was just in the middle of
washing my hair. Oh, no kidding?

I have to wash my
hair every single day.

I've got this terrible
dandruff problem.

Good thing I'm a nurse. It doesn't
show on my uniform. [Chuckles]

It's lucky you're not a nun.

Excuse me, Mary.

Sally Jo, you got a
phone call. It's Lester.

See you later.

He's this patient
she's been dating.

He just had a disk removed. I
think he wants to try out his back.

Ah. [Chuckles]

Hey, listen, Mary. Mm-hmm.

I know Sally Jo's been bugging
you by coming over here all the time,

so I think I oughta
tell you something.

With Sally Jo, there's
no use being subtle.

When you don't want her
around, you gotta do what I do.

Say right to her face, "Sally
Jo, you're driving me up the wall.

Get out, or I'll throw you out."

You actually say that to her?

Sure. Why do you think she
keeps coming over here all the time?

[Doorbell Rings] [Groans]

Mr. Grant. What a surprise.
Mary, I gotta talk to you.

Well, actually, Mr. Grant,
I'm expecting a date.

I should be in the bathroom finishing
my hair. Fine. We can talk in there.

Sit down.

[Clears Throat]

Okay, Mary, here it is.

Mary,

how would you feel
if you found out...

that someone you've
worked with all these years...

had really fallen
for you... hard?

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Grant, I... I just
don't know what to say.

No, no, not me.

Don't be ridiculous.

Let me put this in a
way you'd understand.

Mary, do you know why all
quarterbacks have busted knees?

Mr. Grant, I am really in a
hurry. Could you make this fast?

Right. Do you know why all
quarterbacks have busted knees? No.

Because when they get
ready to release the ball,

they're completely
vulnerable to a blindside tackle.

Their knees snap like
wishbones. [Snaps Fingers]

Mr. Grant, why are
you telling me this?

Because tomorrow...

somebody is gonna be standing
out there in that backfield all alone,

his blocking broken down.

And you're gonna be
a charging linebacker...

with a chance to cream him.

Mary, please, do me a favor.

Take him down gently,

but don't bust his knees.

Mr. Grant, I still don't know
what you're talking about.

You don't? No.

All right, let me put it
another way. [Sighs]

Murray is in love with you.

Hi, Mary.

Hello. Hi, Steve.

Good night, Mr. Grant.

Did you tell her
yet? Uh, no, no.

I've gotta bring these
into the film library,

but I'm gonna tell her
as soon as I come back.

Are you sure you wanna go
through with this? I'm sure, Lou.

Okay, but watch your knees.

Right.

He's gonna tell you as soon as
he comes back from the film library.

What are you gonna tell
him when he tells you?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm just hoping maybe something will
occur to me on the spur of the moment.

Good plan.

- Mary?
- Yes!

Uh, remember last Saturday...

when I went to your apartment and I
told you I wanted to tell you something,

- but I never got around
to telling you?
- Yes, Murr.

And remember the beginning of this
week when you asked me what it was?

I wanted to tell you, and I
told you I couldn't tell you here.

Yes, Murr.

Well, I wanna tell you now
what I wanted to tell you.

Yes, Murr?

Mary, I love you.

And I love you too.

Of course,

it's possible that you meant
something more than I meant.

Oh, boy.

You wanna talk about it?

I think so.

'Cause if you wanna talk, I'll listen.
You know that. Oh, I know that.

But before you do, I think, um,

I oughta tell you that I wouldn't have
missed our last five years for anything.

They've been the
best part of my life.

I don't know how great
tomorrow's gonna be...

or even next week, but, boy,
up till now, it's been terrific.

Well... So,

if you wanna talk... if you
really wanna talk... I'll listen.

Of course, you'll probably say what you
just said, and then I'll say what I said.

You'll say you meant something
more than I did, and I'll say, "What?"

And you'll tell me. And then
I'll say, "Boy, Murray, that's...

really flattering, but"...

And then you'll say,
"What do you mean, but?"

And then I'll tell you something
I think you already know.

Oh, Murr, do you
really wanna talk?

I think we just did.

Hey, will you look at the
time? I have to get home.

I can't hang around here
all day. I've got things to do.

Isn't there someplace
you have to go, Mary?

Yeah.

See you tomorrow, Murr.

I'll see you, Mar.

Did you tell her you
love her? Yeah, I told her.

What did she say?

She said she loves me too.

Oh, my God.

Oh, don't worry, Lou. She
didn't mean it the way I meant it.

Oh?

Oh?

Aw.

You know, of course,
that it's all for the best.

[Sighs] Oh, I know that.

Of course.

I mean, you were
right all along, Lou.

I mean, it was just some dumb
phase I was going through.

Yeah. Boy, when I think of
how stupid I was acting, I...

Well, it's like you said, you know.
Everything turns out for the best.

Right. Right.

You've got a wife,
kids, a home, a job.

[Chuckles] Look.
Just suppose, Murray...

Just suppose Mary had told you
she felt about you the same way...

and wanted to run away
to Acapulco with you.

Where would you be now?

On my way to Acapulco.

- Morning, Murr.
- Oh, hiya, Mar. How's the goldfish?

Oh, he's fine. I think he's a
little angry with me though.

I was having
sardines last night,

and I caught him
giving me one of these.

Hiya, Ted. Hi, Murray.

Hi, Ted. Mary.

I've been thinking about your
problem with your neighbor.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I've considered
various probable solutions.

And, Mary, I can't handle it.

I mean, there's no
solution. There's no way out.

[Rings] I was up all last night.

Excuse me, Ted. Newsroom. There's
no answer. No answer at all, Mary.

Excuse me. What? You
can't move out. That's crazy.

Oh, no. [Continues, Indistinct]

[Mews]