06x19 - Menage-a-Lou

[bunniefuu]

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Hi, Lou.

- [Panting]
- Mr. Grant,
are you all right?

- Lou, what's wrong?
- [Panting] Nothing.

Nothing. I'm fine. Fine. Water.

Lots of water. Mr. Grant,
what happened?

Charlene. Charlene... Uh,
that girl you used to go with.

Mm-hmm. The one who played
piano in that cocktail lounge?

Yeah. Yeah. What happened?

Charlene... bus.

She was hit by a bus?

[Whimpering] Mm-mmm. On bus.

She was hit while on a bus? I...

[Groaning] Uh-uh.

Charlene... sitting... bus.

Right. Then what
happened, Tonto?

Murray. [Lou Grunts]

Mr. Grant.

I was... I was walking to work,

and I saw Charlene
sitting on a bus.

But she didn't see me. So
I started chasing the bus.

[Groaning]

Block after block.

I must've chased that bus for a
dozen blocks, but I couldn't catch it.

Oh, that's really too bad.

That's all right. I didn't
want to talk to her.

So, Charlene's back
in town. That's terrific.

What do you mean you
don't want to talk to her?

Well, we sort of, uh, had a
fight before she left town. Oh?

Yeah. She got this offer to play
the organ for a crummy ice show,

and I didn't want her to do it.

Why not? Well, I thought
it was beneath her, Mary.

I really did. It was
really a bad show.

Every time the star
of the show did a spin,

he got dizzy and had
to sit down on the ice.

He'd put his head
between his knees.

Well, Mr. Grant, come
on. You obviously wanted

to see her. Why don't
you give her a call?

It would be kinda awkward
with the fight that we had.

Of course, it'd be a lot better
if I could just run into her.

- Yeah, you know,
a chance meeting?
- Chance?

Yeah. Like where you
chase a bus for 12 blocks?

Yeah, yeah.

Or maybe if I just bumped into her at
a party. That... That would be perfect.

Yeah. If only there was someone
we both knew who was having a party.

And... And I just
bumped into her.

Like at your place. My place?

Yeah, like for instance, Saturday
night? This Saturday night?

Yeah, like around 8:30. Mr. Grant,
that is awfully short notice.

I mean, it is Thursday.

But I suppose I could do it.

[Murmurs] I'll just set up a buffet.
People can serve themselves.

I'll just... I'll have a few hors
d'oeuvres and some... some cold cuts.

I-I can probably bake
something beforehand.

Mary, this is an office. Plan
your parties on your own time.

[Door Closes]

Hi, Mary. Hi.

Here's all the ice I've got.
Don't worry about returning it.

And what you don't use, you
can throw away. [Chuckles]

Thanks. Paula,
you're a lifesaver.

I know.

Would you like a drink? No,
thanks. I gotta get back to the sickos.

- I came home to have dinner.
- That's funny. I always thought
nurses ate at the hospital.

I stopped two years ago when I
found a rubber glove in my rice pudding.

Yeah, that'll do it. Yeah.

You will drop in when you get
home, won't you? Yeah, sure.

Good. Is Lou gonna
come over tonight?

- Yeah. Why?
- I like him.

I bump into him at the
hockey games once in a while.

He's very sweet. He always
offers me a slug from his flask.

- Ah.
- I gotta run. See ya later.

Okay. Listen, try to
get home early, will ya?

I have a feeling tonight's party is
gonna be a pretty good one. Okay.

Georgette, I told ya. I don't
want to talk about it. But I do!

Tough! Well,
double tough on you!

Hi, Mary. Hi. Wh-What's
goin' on with you two?

I'm so embarrassed.
We're having our first fight.

Don't apologize. You'll
get better with practice.

It's her fault, Mary.
She's overly sensitive.

My mother said a little, innocent
thing, and she just took it the wrong way.

What'd she say? She
said I was a hussy.

She didn't. Yes, she did.

She said I trapped Ted into
marrying me by using my sexy ways.

- Didn't I come to your defense?
- Some defense.

He told her I didn't
have any sexy ways.

Well, listen, you guys.

Why don't you postpone
the fight till after the party?

I hate to say this about your mother,
but sometimes she's not very nice.

Georgette, you take that back,
or I'll never talk to you again.

Sure, I'll take it back... when
the North Pole freezes over!

I should've said "when
hell freezes over,"

but I don't like to swear
in mixed company!

Hey. Georgette, Ted, come on.
This is no way to carry on at a party.

I'm sorry, Mary. I'm never
gonna talk to Georgette again.

[Doorbell Rings] Ted, will you stop
being such a grump and talk to your wife?

This is a party. You're
supposed to be having fun.

Murr, hi. Glad to see ya.
Don't come near me. I'm sick.

I woke up this
morning with the flu.

I got cramps, nausea, chills.

- I really oughta
be home in bed.
- Then why aren't you?

I didn't want to
spoil your party.

[Sneezes]

Come on in. Can
I get you a drink?

Uh, yeah. Tea with honey and
lemon... and a couple of aspirins.

Hi, Georgette. Hi.

Hi, Ted. Ah...

[Doorbell Rings]

Hi, Mr. Grant. Hi.
Charlene here yet?

No, not yet. Well, what
do you think, Mary?

Notice anything different?
Uh, different? Let's see.

Well, I recognize the
suit and the shoes,

the tie. No, I don't
see anything different.

Good. I don't wanna
look overanxious.

Like a drink? Yeah,
the usual. Hi, everybody.

[Sneezes] [Mutters]

Huh. What's with them?

Well, let's see. Murray is
sick. He should be home in bed.

Uh, Ted and Georgette have had a
fight. They're not talking to each other.

Get rid of 'em. What?

You heard me. Get
rid of them. They're dull.

I can't afford to have
a dull party tonight.

I can't get rid of them. Sure,
you can. Call up somebody else.

Don't you know any lively
people? Maybe you can rent some.

Mr. Grant, will you just relax?
Everything is gonna... be fine.

- Mary, could I have
my tea with lemon?
- Yeah, Murr. Just a minute.

I want to watch television.
You don't do that at a party.

I wasn't talking to you.

- [Doorbell Rings]
- There she is.

Come on, you bozos!
Shape up. Ted, don't be dull.

Murray, stop
being sick! [Groans]

Hi, Mary. How are you?
Charlene, good to see you.

- Lou! What a surprise!
- Charlene, let me look at you!

Lou, Mary, uh, let me
introduce you to Kenny Stevens.

I hope you don't mind
my bringing a date.

No, it's... How
do you do? Hello.

Uh, Mary, do me a
favor. Introduce Kenny.

- Sure. Kenny Stevens, this
is Georgette and Ted Baxter.
- [Ted] What do you know?

Good to see you again,
Lou. Yeah. Who's the kid?

One of the skaters in the show.

What are you doing going
out in public with a kid that age?

Don't you know other people
will talk about you? Don't be silly.

Who's gonna talk? Me.

What difference does it make
how old anyone is? [Murmurs]

He happens to be very sweet
and thoughtful and considerate.

Besides, I told him I
was 32, and he bought it.

He thinks you're 32?

Ice-skaters don't
have to be smart, Lou.

It's all in their feet.

Now, come on over
and say hello. Come on.

Kenny, I've been
telling Lou all about you.

Well, it's nice to meet you, sir.
Lou. The name's Lou, not sir.

Right. Lou.

Mr. Grant, Kenny was just telling me,
before he became a professional skater,

he won a medal in the Olympics.
Well, it was just a silver medal.

I should've won the gold,
but I had a torn ligament.

Oh, Mary, you must come and see
him skate sometime. He is incredible.

[Mary] Oh! Who wouldn't look great
with the kind of music she plays?

Gee.

I've never met a figure skater
before. This is really exciting.

You guys make such a
valuable contribution to society.

Why, just this morning,
I was asking myself,

"How come they've never given
a Nobel Prize to a figure skater?"

Uh, Mr. Grant, would you
like to freshen your drink? No.

Kenny, can I get you
something? Why don't you

get some ice for Kenny
to twirl around on?

Mary, will you bring me a
blanket? I'm startin' to get a chill.

Yeah, Murr, in a minute.
Just-Just a minute.

It must be great being an ice-skater.
What do you want to do when you grow up?

[Clears Throat] Uh,
Mr. Grant, guess who's

coming over later. My
friend, Paula, the nurse.

How soon can she get here?

Mary, will you tell me when it's
9:00? I want to watch S.W.A.T.

Maybe Kenny would like to
watch Sesame Street. Mr. Grant...

Hey, pal, I don't know
what's buggin' you, but

by any chance, would
you like to step outside?

What, and put on the skates?

Mary, I think I'd
better have my coat.

Oh, well, no. Come on. This is
really silly. Get her coat, Mary.

Lou. What did you have
to make a scene for?

What scene? I never
laid a hand on him. Oh!

- It was, uh, nice
seeing you again.
- We must do this again sometime.

Yeah. So long, everybody.

I, uh... I'll call
you, Mary. Okay.

Listen, I'm really sorry
about the evening.

Oh, let 'em go. Who needs 'em?

Yeah. You still got us.

Oh, what a perfect evening.

Ted and Georgette sit there for
hours not talking to each other.

Murray arrives sick,
blows his nose all night.

And you had to ruin what
little promise we had of a party...

by making a fool of yourself
over Charlene's date.

I just... I hope
you're satisfied, Lou.

- What did you say?
- You heard me. I hope you're satisfied.

- You called me Lou.
- That's right, 'cause that's
what you deserve to be called.

You don't even deserve to be called
Lou. You know what you should be called?

- What?
- Louis.

What you should
be called is Louis.

That's what my mother used
to call me when I was bad.

Well, I don't blame her.

I'm sorry, Mary. I
made a fool of myself.

- You certainly did.
- Okay, okay.

Hello? Hello? Charlene?

Lou. Listen, I'm sorry about
tonight. I don't know what got into me.

When you walked in
with that guy, I went crazy.

Hey, listen, apologize to
the skater for me too, huh?

No hard feelings?
[Laughs] [Knocking]

Hi, Mary. Oh, Paula, hi.

Party's over, but come on in
anyway. Fix yourself a drink.

Uh, how about we go out
for dinner Saturday, huh?

Oh? You do?

Oh, well, I guess,
in that case...

What? You mean...
You mean double-date?

Oh, no. I-I couldn't do...

Yeah. Yeah, I think
we could do that.

Yeah, well, why not?

Oh, sure, sure. I
think it's a terrific idea.

I was, uh, just trying to figure out
which one of my girlfriends to bring.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Mary, get me a date.

No, no, Mr. Grant. I did that
once, and you never forgave me.

Right. Right.

[Groans] Where am I gonna
get a girl to go out with?

- Hey, Paula.
- Yeah, Lou?

Can you get me a date?

Mr. Grant, why don't you, uh...

Paula? Yeah, Lou?

Uh, listen, um...

How would, uh... How'd
you like a free meal?

You sweet-talkin' son of a g*n.

Sure. Why not?

Now, listen. Just one thing.

There's gonna be a girl there that I used
to go with, and I really wanna impress her.

I want you to look
really beautiful.

Beautiful is out
of the question.

If I'm lucky, twice a
year I can manage pretty.

Good. Try and make
it one of those nights.

When is it? A week from tonight.

I better start now.

[Doorbell Rings]

Paula, Mr. Grant. Hi, Mary.

Mary, I'm gonna ask you a question. I
want you to give me an honest answer.

Is this any way to dress on a date
where I'm trying to impress someone?

Well, Mr. Grant, that depends. I
think what Paula's wearing is very nice.

Mary, I don't want
nice. I want sexy.

Do you have anything
I could borrow, Mary?

Well, yeah, sure, if you
want to. Take what you want.

Thanks. If you ever need to borrow a
pair of white panty hose, don't hesitate.

Mr. Grant, how could you? That girl has
feelings. You can't treat her like this!

What are you talkin' about?
You know what I'm talking about.

Paula was nice enough to
go along with you on this stunt.

I don't think it's right for you
to criticize the way she dresses.

I was not criticizing, Mary.

I was merely suggesting that Paula
might look a little more attractive...

if she wore something other
than a sweater and a skirt.

Believe me, Mary. I am fully aware
of the fact that Paula has feelings.

Last thing in the world I'd do is say
something that I thought might offend her.

Well? Stinks.

- Mr. Grant!
- It's okay. I like a man
who's discriminating.

This is ridiculous, Mr. Grant,
trying to make Charlene jealous.

Oh, you think so?

Yes, I do. It's asinine.
It's moronic. It's dumb.

Well... It's something
Ted would do.

There's no need to be insulting.

She's not gonna fall for it, Mr. Grant.
Charlene's gonna see right through this.

It's high school. High school.

Oh... Oh, yeah?
It's high school, is it?

Why didn't you say that
to Charlene when she

showed up at your
party with her boyfriend?

That was different. And she
wasn't doing it to make you jealous.

Well, it did, and now I want
Paula to make her jealous.

You want me to make
her jealous? That's right.

I better change again.

Aw, come on, Mary. Paula's gonna
have a great time. I guarantee it.

We're going to a
terrific restaurant...

dining, dancing. Listen
to what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get the band to play Charlene's
favorite song, "You Made Me Love You."

Then when they do, I'll
say, "Hey, how about that?

They're playin' our song."

Then I'll get up and dance with
Paula. [Laughs] What do you think?

That's terrific. Yeah. And
then we'll dance by the table.

When I'm sure Charlene is
watching, I'll bite Paula on the ear.

Oh, good, Good, Mr. Grant. Huh?

I thought you'd like it. [Paula]
Okay, listen. I'm coming out.

This is your last chance, Lou.
I'm wearing Mary's best dress.

I know it's her best dress,
because the price tag is still on it.

My new dress. It better be good.

Here I come.

Well?

Paula, you look fabulous.

Lou?

You look sensational.

Wow!

Really great. Come on.
Let's go. Thanks, Mary.

Mm-hmm.

- Thanks, Mary.
- Uh, the the price tag. Have a good time.

You mean it, Lou?
I look okay? Okay?

You look beautiful,
just beautiful. Thanks.

Charlene's gonna hate your guts.

♪♪ [Band: Lounge] Hi, everybody.

[Charlene] Lou, Hi. Listen, I
want you to meet Paula Kovacs.

This is Charlene Maguire
and Kenny Stevens. Hi, Paula.

- Hello, Paula.
- My pleasure.

Shall we sit down, dear?

Listen, I'm, uh, sorry
about the other night.

Forget it, Lou. Charlene
explained the whole thing.

Paula, that is a
very lovely dress.

Thanks. Lou
helped me pick it out.

[Chuckles]

I, uh, hope we didn't keep
you folks waiting too long.

I... I picked Paula
up at her apartment,

and, uh... And
you know how it is.

One thing led to another, and I
guess we lost all track of time.

Huh! Oh, sure, I
understand. Yeah.

I love the style. It is very
striking. Where'd you get it?

- Colette's.
- Oh, Colette's. Yeah.

I love the neckline. You know, the way it
sort of drapes down, and it's just, um...

Yeah, uh, let's have a drink.
Let's everybody have a drink.

Waiter? Uh, yeah.

[Clears Throat] We'll order
some drinks. What would you like?

Uh, I'll have a white wine.
Uh, vodka martini, please.

How about you, darling?

A bottle of beer.

A scotch on the
rocks. Thank you.

[Sighs] You know...

This is a nice restaurant.

Paula and I don't
get out too often.

I mean, we make plans, but, uh,

then I pick her up,
and as we're leaving...

I reach for the doorknob,

and her hand touches mine.

And, uh, you know, one
thing leads to another,

and, uh, before you
know it, we end up...

snacking in front
of the fireplace.

That's nice. [Sighs]

You know, I had a
dress almost like that,

except mine was in sort of a pastel
green, but the cleaners ruined it.

Will you stop talking about the
stupid cleaners and the stupid dress?

- Lou, what are you
getting so upset about?
- ♪♪ [Band Plays]

Upset? [Stammering] Me? I'm not upset.
What do you... I'm havin' a great time.

Sweetheart, would
you like to dance? Sure.

Good. Kenny, dance with her.

Yes, sir... Lou.

- Seems like a very nice girl.
- She's a wonderful girl.

But I only brought her here for
one reason tonight, and you know it.

- What are you talking about?
- I brought her here to make you
miserable and jealous.

I think it's a terrible thing you're
doing not being jealous and miserable.

I think it's lousy.
I think it stinks.

- I think it's sweet.
- Sweet?

I think it's sweet that you
wanna make me jealous.

It means you still must care
about me, huh? Of course.

If I didn't, why would I
wanna make you miserable?

Well, if you still care, why couldn't
you pick up a phone and call me?

Then I wouldn't have to go
out with somebody like Kenny.

What's wrong with
Kenny? He's a kid.

Oh. And he's an ice-skater.

Mm-hmm. You know
how I can't stand cold feet.

Yeah, I-I remember.

♪♪ [Romantic Melody] Hey,
listen to what they're playing.

I know. I gave the
leader 10 bucks to play it.

And then I was gonna say,

"Listen. They're
playin' our song."

And I was gonna get
up and dance with Paula.

Dumb idea.

It's a shame to waste $10.

Would you care to
dance, Lou? You bet.

Kenny, dance with him.

[Murmurs]

[Doorbell Rings]

Who is it? Lou.

Hi. Hi. I just dropped Paula
off. Thought I'd say hello.

I'm not disturbing you,
am I? No, no. Come on in.

Oh. So, how'd it go?

You mean, uh, with
my plan? Mm-hmm.

The one that you thought was high school?
That was what you called it? High school?

Yes, Mr. Grant.
That's what I called it.

Guess who's big man on campus?

You're kidding.
You and Charlene?

- That's terrific.
- Yeah, yeah. Really great.

There's only, uh, one problem.

What? I like Paula too.

Paula? Yeah, yeah.

After we left Charlene and
Kenny, we went for a drink,

and, uh, Paula's sensational.

She likes hockey, basketball,
football, boxing. She's a real woman.

Well, that's terrific, Mr. Grant.
But I don't see what your problem is.

I mean, what's wrong with
your liking Charlene and Paula.

Well, I can't have two
girlfriends at the same time.

Why not? Well...
Because I can't.

I never did. I'm just,
uh, old fashioned.

I mean, I couldn't
do that sort of thing.

Could I?

No, no. N-Not me. I...
I'm a one-woman man.

I, uh... I... I wouldn't know
how to handle that sort of thing.

- Would I?
- Well, I don't know.

I mean, I've never had any
experience at that sort of thing.

Well, Mr. Grant, even Warren
Beatty had to start somewhere.

Yeah.

You know, I think this
is gonna work out great.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll see Charlene on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays,

and I'll see Paula on Tuesdays,
Thursdays and Saturdays. Oh.

There's just one more
thing I wanna ask ya. What?

What do I do Sundays? You rest.

Mary, I gotta talk to you. I got a terrible
problem. I don't know how it happened.

I got mixed up. I have a date
with two girls on the same night.

Charlene and Paula both think I'm taking
them to dinner later. You gotta help me!

You're on your own, Louis.

Oh, Louis?

Hi, Louis.

How ya feelin', Louis?

How are things, Louis?

[Giggling] Louis.

What's so funny, Ted?

Oh. Nothing, Mr. Grant.

[Laughs, Groans]

[Mews]