06x23 - Sue Ann Falls in Love

[bunniefuu]

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Oh! Did Ted get in yet, Mar?

No, not yet.
Gee, I don't get it.

Usually on the day they announce
the nominees for the Teddy Awards,

- he's the first one in.
- Yeah.

You don't suppose,
Murray, after all these years...

- Ted finally doesn't care
whether or not he's nominated?
- Oh, who knows?

Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.
I stopped off at church.

Prayed my guts out. Any
word on the nominations?

Uh, not yet, Ted. Any minute.

Boy, I sure hope I
win a nomination.

I promised God, if I won, I'd send an
underprivileged kid to disc jockey school.

Honestly, I don't see why some people
get so excited about these awards.

I mean, for one thing,
they're very unfair.

You have never been nominated as Best News
Writer, and I don't think that's right.

Well, I don't know.

But I can't help wanting to
get at least one nomination.

Yeah, I used to feel that way
every year, too, but not this year.

I'm not gonna get all
caught up in that craziness.

Well, that's 'cause you're a
shoo-in this year. No, Murray.

It's because I feel
I did a good job,

so it doesn't matter
whether or not I'm nominated.

You know, you're being
very mature about that. Yeah.

Hey! The nominations are in.

[Laughing] Hey, I've
been nominated. Hot buns!

Well, uh, what about
the writing, Ted?

Uh, let's see. Let's see.
Who got writing nominations?

Here it is. "Nominations for Best
Writer, News or Documentary:

"Harold Renner, Lester
Hocker... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Murray Slaughter!"

[Giggling] I don't believe
it! I've been nominated.

Ted! Whoa!

I've been nominated! Hey,
Murray, congratulations.

Hey, thanks a lot, Mary.
Thanks a lot. Hey, how about this?

That's terrific. Hey, listen, don't you
want to see if you were nominated?

Ah! No, not really. Like I said, I think
everyone takes 'em much too seriously.

- You weren't nominated.
- You've gotta be kidding.

No, just Murray and me...

and Sue Ann Nivens for
Best Daytime Program.

Well, as I said, I think we all take
these things much too seriously.

- Doesn't matter.
- Right. Hey, it's not
the end of the world.

Right. Exactly. Let
me see that again.

Mary, if you went to church more
often, this wouldn't have happened.

Lou, did you hear
the great news?

You're quitting? [Laughs]

No, I've been nominated for another
Teddy Award. Isn't that exciting?

- Yeah. Any calls, Mary?
- No. Hey, Mr. Grant.

Huh? Murray got
a nomination too.

Hey, no kidding?
Well, congratulations.

Murray, you son of
a g*n. Thanks, Lou.

I'm really proud of ya.
That's terrific. Sure, sure.

Make a fuss over Murray.

I always knew it.
Bald-headed guys are clannish.

Morning, Mary. Oh, hi, Sue Ann.

Oh, it's nice to see
that you're still cheerful...

after not being nominated
for a Teddy Award...

As I was.

Mary, this is Doug Kellum.
Mary Richards. Mm-hmm.

Hi, Doug. Mary,
nice to meet you.

Doug is from Saskatchewan.

He was on my show
last week when I was

demonstrating how to
cook without a kitchen.

We just sort of hit it off. Didn't we,
Doug? Mmm, you know it, honey.

I've been teaching Sue Ann
the joys of the great outdoors.

And I've been teaching him
the joys of the great indoors.

- Is Lou in?
- Yeah, he is.

Mary, I'm going to
have to hurt him so.

I-I promised him I'd go
to the awards with him,

and now Dougie
wants to take me, and...

Well, it's terrible when you
have to break one man's heart...

to satisfy another
man's desires.

How lucky you are you
won't ever have that problem.

Come in.

Lou, I'm afraid I have
bad news for you.

It's really terrible, and I just
can't put off telling you any longer.

What? What-What's
wrong? What is it?

Well, you know that
date we have? What date?

This year's Teddy Awards.
When did we make that date?

Don't you remember? No. When?

At last year's awards, I said maybe
we should go together this year.

And, well, you said,
"Sure. We'll see."

So we do have a date.

Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
And that's the bad news?

No, the bad news is I'm
gonna have to break the date.

Aw, Sue Ann.

Aw. Aw, darn it.

I mean, you make a date, I
look forward to it for a whole year,

and then you just breeze
in here at the last minute.

Aw, Sue Ann.

Oh, Lou, you are in pain.

Mmm. Which, of
course, delights me,

but I just can't
go with you. I...

You see, I...

How can I make
this easy for you?

I've... met someone better.

Then, uh, my Indian guide
turns to me, and he says,

"Your guess as good
as mine." [Mary Laughs]

Dougie, this is Lou Grant.

- Oh. How ya doin', pally?
- Hi, Dougie.

I was just telling Mary about
the time my canoe capsized...

zooming down the
Colorado rapids. No kidding?

Yeah, yeah, but luckily my
Indian guide had a wooden leg.

We both held on to it and
managed to stay afloat.

Oh, isn't he wonderful, Lou?

He has such an
instinct for survival.

[Chuckling] Yeah. It's
gonna come in handy.

So, uh, what do
you do for a living?

Ah. You name it, I've done it.

Oh? Salesman?

No.

Labor? No.

Uh, factory worker? No.

Truck driver? No.

What have you done?
You name it. [Laughs]

And now you must excuse us.
I have to get back to the studio.

Oh, and Lou,

thanks for being so understanding
about the Teddy Awards.

And you cheer up.

One day, you'll meet a
wonderful, sexy, beautiful woman...

who'll make you forget me.

In the meantime, why
don't you take Mary?

Hey, uh, Mary? Uh, you
wanna go to the awards with me?

Oh, come on,
Mr. Grant. That's sweet.

You don't have to ask
me to go to the awards.

No, no. No, no, no.

I really wanna go with you.
You'd be the best date in the world.

Aw. Yeah.

I won't have to bring
you flowers or candy.

I don't have to talk
if I don't feel like it.

I don't even have to kiss you.

Just like being married.

[Doorbell Rings] Just a minute.

Hi. Hi.

Come on in. Hello,
Mary. [Chuckles]

- Oh, we're early,
aren't we?
- No, no. Not a bit.

Oh, yes, we are, dear.

Listen, you pretend
we're not even here yet,

- and you go on and finish
putting on your makeup.
- [Chuckles]

I have finished putting
on my makeup, Sue Ann.

Really? Well, suit yourself.

Doesn't Sue Ann
look terrific tonight?

Lovely. Would you believe,
Mary... I made this dress.

Oh. I'm amazed you were
able to find that much material.

- How about a drink?
- Little scotch for me, neat.

Okay. I'll have the same,
with just a touch of water.

Mmm. Nice apartment,
Mary. Thank you.

- Did you decorate it
yourself?
- Yeah, I did.

Wow. It's fantastic.
[Laughing] Oh, dear Doug.

You have been out
in the woods too long.

- Mind if I look around a bit?
- No. Please, go right ahead.

Mary, you have to keep me from
being foolish. What do you mean?

[Sighs] I feel like a schoolgirl
whenever I'm with him.

[Laughs] Mary,

how do you know when
you're really in love?

Well, Sue Ann, I guess, you know,
that differs from person to person.

I'll tell ya how you know.

You know you're in love when you
totally screw up Hungarian goulash.

I-I tried it the other day, and I was
all thumbs. A simple thing like that.

I mean, who could be bothered?
A half cup, a whole cup...

My cup is running
over. Well, well.

Sue Ann, you... You think
it's the real thing, huh?

The real thing?

Mary, those noodles were b*rned
solid at the bottom of the pan,

and I had to go at the
gravy with an ice pick.

Aw, Sue Ann, that's wonderful.

I'm really happy for you.

That's quite a view.

Oh, thank you.

Well, shall we drink
to the Teddy Awards?

Oh, I already have my award...

A living, breathing
statue of Adonis.

Awarded to the woman who
best knows what to do with him.

Would anyone care for some dip?

Isn't he a wonderful
hunk of man, Mary?

I-I just, uh, love a good dip.

He's so strong, so virile, so...

This isn't just any
packaged dip, you realize.

This is a recipe of my mother's.

It's cream cheese,
onion and, uh,

sour cream. They don't
make men like this anymore.

They don't make dip
like this anymore either.

Oh, no. I'm gonna have to freshen
up before anyone else gets here.

[Chuckling] Oh.

- Would you care for some dip?
- No, thank you.

She's quite a woman. Yes,
she really is quite a woman.

So are you. Well,
thank you very much.

No, no. I mean it.

Listen, maybe I shouldn't say
this, but I believe in being honest.

You've got it all over Sue Ann.

Okay, Doug, look. Let's just
cut this dumb talk right now.

All right? Okay.

You are despicable!

Well, that's done.
Did I miss anything?

No, no. No, nothing.
Actually, you did.

You see, Mary tried to
att*ck me, but I fought her off.

[Both Laughing]

Isn't he wonderful, Mary?

And he's all mine.

Well, well. I wonder
where everybody is?

Oh, Mary, I didn't show you the
beautiful ring Doug gave me yesterday.

- Isn't it lovely?
- Oh, yes. That's lovely. That's terrific.

He carved it out of a peach pit.

- What a man.
- [Doorbell Rings]

Oh, hello, Mar. Murray,
hi. You look terrific.

Oh, thanks, thanks.
Hi, everybody.

Where's Marie? Well, uh,
one of our kids has got a cold.

Oh, gee, that's too bad. Yeah.
Besides, I don't think she wanted to come.

I mean, she said I was so nervous
I made her nervous. Isn't that silly?

I mean, I may be excited,
Mary, but I'm not nervous.

- I mean, you know, nervous
is a whole different thing.
- You want a drink?

Don't I have one? No.

Then I would. Scotch
and soda, please. Okay.

Uh, I'll get it myself.
[Doorbell Rings]

Murray, say hello to Doug
Kellum. Hi. How ya doin'?

Good to see ya. Hi, Ted.

Hi, Mary. Georgette!

- Mary, it was Ted's idea.
- It was? It's terrific.

Right. Why spend all that money on
a gown she's only gonna wear once?

Georgette, Ted, say
hello to Doug Kellum.

- Hi, Doug. How ya doin'?
- Georgette, you do
look adorable.

[Chuckles] Did you
hear that, Georgette?

I don't care what anybody says.

I think we look like the
top of a gay wedding cake.

Georgette.

- Can I get you a drink?
- Nothing for me, Mary.

I feel silly enough already.

I'll have a cassis and a
vermouth with a dash of bitters,

uh, two drops of dry sherry,
some lime juice and a green cherry.

I don't have bitters. Oh, a
glass of water will be fine.

[Doorbell Rings] Oh, would
you get that, Georgette?

Sure, Mary.

Hi, Georgette.

Hi, Lou. It's a rental.

Oh. What's Ted charging you?

[Sue Ann] Hi, Lou.
Don't you look cute?

Oh, hi, everybody. Hiya, Lou.

Hey, Lou, do you think, uh...
You think I'm gonna win tonight?

I don't know, Ted,
but do me a favor.

If you lose, don't trip the
winner like you did last year.

Hey, that was an accident, Lou.

Then how come the winner
trips every time you lose?

[Coughing] It's coincidence.

Yeah. Mary, let me
have a double scotch.

Mr. Grant, I wanna talk to
you. Okay, make it a single.

No, no, it's not your
drinking I'm talking about.

Oh, good. Let me
have a double. [Exhales]

What's wrong?

Sue Ann's boyfriend
made a pass at me. What?

Yeah, while she was out
of the room, he kissed me.

What'd you do? I slapped him.

I'll k*ll him. No, Mr. Grant.
Don't make a scene.

I'll k*ll him quiet. Mr. Grant,
please. Just don't.

Did you at least tell Sue
Ann? No! I'm not gonna butt in.

She's a grown woman.
She can take care of herself.

Mr. Grant, I don't want to talk about
this anymore. Let's get back to the party.

If you don't want to talk
about it, why'd you bring it up?

Mr. Grant, I have
no time for logic.

And for the best
documentary, the nominees are:

Senior Citizens on Parade,
producer, Karen Hiller.

Police Dogs You Can
Trust... A Vanishing Breed,

producer, George Troy.

And Water Pollution
in Minneapolis...

Don't Ask Our Fish
to Live in a Ghetto,

producer, Hal Stevens.

You should have
won this award, Mary.

Oh, come on, Murray.
These are all terrific shows.

And the winner is Karen Hiller.

[Mary] Oh!

Worst show I
ever saw in my life.

That's what I like about you,
Mary. You're a good loser.

Well, here it comes. The next
award is for the best news writer.

You know, I told my kids that, if
I win, I'll mention all their names.

Hey, that's a good idea. Yeah,
if I could only remember them.

Let's see. Uh,
Bonnie, Ellen, Susie...

and, uh, the Vietnamese
kid we adopted, uh...

Le Chan. Yeah. Le Chan.

And now the award for the
best writer, news or documentary.

The nominees are:
Howard Brenner, KDF-TV.

Lester Hocker, Public
Service Television.

And Murray Slaughter, WJM-TV.

And the winner
is... Lester Hocker.

Hi, Bonnie, Ellen,
Susie, Le Chan.

I don't care what they say.
You're still the best. [Lou] Right.

We're lucky to have you,
Murray. Thanks, Ted. Thanks.

Listen, maybe we ought to check this guy
Lester Hocker out, see if he's available.

Just a thought.

The next category is
the best anchorman.

Okay, okay, everybody listen.

When I win, Georgette, you throw your
arms around me and give me a big kiss.

The rest of you just
squeal with delight...

- and jump to your feet
and applaud.
- Ted.

Okay, okay. Just don't boo.

And now the award for the
year's outstanding anchorman.

The nominees are: Ted
Baxter, Six O'Clock News, WJM.

Barry Waldron, News
Close-up, WJR. Guy's a stiff.

Hank Denoff, Eleven
O'Clock Report, WJR.

Turkey.

Please. God, please.

And the winner is...

Barry Waldron, News Close-up.

Look how happy he is.

Ted!

Don't look at me. The
man's obviously drunk.

We'll be right back
after this message.

You're the only one
left, Sue Ann. Good luck.

Sue Ann, did you
prepare a speech?

Oh, yes.

I thought I'd... I'd let them
enjoy my dimples for a while,

and then I thought I would
thank my new business partner.

Your... Your business partner?

Yes. Doug and I are gonna
form our own corporation.

A 50/50 business partnership.
Isn't that wonderful?

[Chuckles] Yeah, that's great.

That's wonderful. Terrific.

Oh, I knew you'd
be happy about that.

I'm gonna go fix
my lipstick. I think I

still have a few minutes
before my category.

Uh, Mary, why don't
you go with Sue Ann?

Oh, gee, Mr. Grant,
I don't have to.

Yes, you have to. You have to.

Yes, I guess you're right. I do.

How did you know?

I'd go with you, too, but
I'm afraid they'd kick me out.

Be right back, dear.

I lost, Lou.

I'm sorry. I... I wanted
you to be so proud of me.

- It's all right, Ted. It doesn't matter.
- Thanks.

Even if you won, I
wouldn't be proud of you.

Sue Ann, you're gonna
have to listen to me.

I didn't want to have
to tell you this, but, boy,

I can't stand by
and see you get hurt.

I have to tell
you. I just have to.

Well, Mary, if my
bra strap is showing,

why don't you come
right out and tell me?

Sue Ann,

Doug made a pass at me.

Oh, listen, Mary.

Lots of times, men are used
to gesturing with their hands.

They put their hands
on someone's shoulders,

and, well, people with provincial
principles tend to misinterpret.

Sue Ann, he grabbed
me with both arms.

Well, you offered him a drink.
Perhaps he was just saying thank you.

He kissed me.

Thank you very much.

Oh, Sue Ann, come on. Please.

Now, who am I to believe?

If I go to Doug, I
know he'll deny it.

And Doug is a man who has
shared his innermost thoughts.

A man who loves me, respects me,

understands me.

Now, do I believe him, or...

Or someone who has never
been really close to me?

Who has every
reason to be jealous.

Who couldn't make a soufflé
if her life depended on it.

Oh, damn it, Mary.

I believe you.

Oh, I feel so alone.

Oh, well, don't feel
alone, Sue Ann. I'm here.

But I need comforting, and
you don't know what to do.

T-Tell me what
to do. I'll do it.

Take my head and pat it.

Oh, be careful. Don't muss
my hair. My category's next.

I think we're doing wonderfully for
two people who don't like each other.

So do I.

By the way, dear.

For those mascara
stains on your dress,

try a dab of petroleum jelly...

before placing them in warm
suds with a little bit of baking soda.

I will. I will.

Oh.

Mary, I'm gonna have to
do something very difficult.

I'm gonna have to
go out there and...

ditch Dougie.

What am I gonna say to him?

You just say to
him that you think...

he is the lowest kind of cheap,

unfeeling,
money-grubbing parasite,

and you never want
to see him again.

All right.

I just hope he doesn't
take it the wrong way.

You know, maybe you
folks can help me out,

because there's something
I've never understood.

I've been going to these
award dinners for years,

and it's just two
minutes of glory.

Why do people feel
badly if they don't win?

Isn't it more important
how you feel about yourself?

Don't you get more from
a feeling of self-worth...

than you do from a silly statue?

I believe I can answer that.

No.

Ah! Sue Ann, honey,
your category is next.

And good luck to both of us.

There is no us. Mary just told me
what happened between the two of you.

Hey, honey, one kiss.
What's the big deal?

Oh, just go away.
Aw, come on, Sue Ann.

Don't! Don't you touch me. Hey, hold it
down. They're gonna announce your category.

I don't care. Please, honey...

Will you please go away?

- You heard what she said,
buddy. Go away.
- Who's gonna make me?

I am. Uh, Mr. Grant.

I'll handle this.

- You wanna step outside?
- Yeah. Let's go.

You got it.

I had no idea it was so easy.

All I said was step outside,
and he stepped outside.

I feel so foolish.

So humiliated. I
wish I were dead. No.

Yes. And now the nominees
for the best daytime program are:

Fred Richter's Exercise
Emporium, WOUL.

Janet Halperin,
Macramé Matinee, WKS.

And Sue Ann Nivens,
The Happy Homemaker...

[Weeping]

WJM-TV.

Hey, Sue Ann, the guy was a bum.

I don't care. [Murray]
Sue Ann, control yourself.

He wasn't worthy of you.
I don't know. I can't help it.

Why? Why did this
have to happen to me?

I haven't anything
else to live for.

And the winner is
Sue Ann Nivens.

Hey! Sue Ann, you won.

Aw, gee, Sue Ann. Come on.
Come on. Come on. You have to.

Ladies and gentlemen, this
is the happiest day of my life.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Ted? Yeah, Lou?

See that guy over there?

Yeah. He's waitin' for ya.

Who is he? The guy you tripped.

He's very upset.

Well, don't worry about it. I'll
take care of this in two seconds.

Okay, fella, you wanna
step outside? Yeah.

You got it. After you.

Thanks. [Whimpers]

[Mews]