06x24 - Ted and the Kid

[bunniefuu]

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Who wants a dog?

Mary, you want a dog? A dog?

Yeah. Gee, I don't
think so, Mr. Grant.

Nice dog, nice dog.
Four legs, a tail, two eyes.

Says bowwow. Nice dog.

Whose dog, Lou? Oh, some
guy works for United Press.

He got transferred to
London and couldn't take

it with him, so he
asked me if I wanted it.

And naturally you said yes. It
seemed like a good idea at the time.

Besides, I was bombed.

Stupid dog kept me
awake all weekend.

All he does is howl
all night, scratch at the

doors, knock things
over, tear up the rugs.

Rotten mutt.

Sure you don't want him,
Mary? He's cute as hell.

Well, thanks, Mr. Grant, but the
building I'm in doesn't allow pets.

They won't even notice him. You
can sneak him in and out in your purse.

What kind of a dog is he, Lou?

[Quietly] Saint Bernard.

Saint Bernard? Fully grown?

I sure hope so.

Mr. Grant, I tell you what.

I'll put a notice on the bulletin board.
I'm sure someone will be interested.

Okay. Just make sure you put down that
he's cute, affectionate, lovable, adorable.

What's his name? I don't
know. I've been calling him h*tler.

Mary, I need your help. Hey,
Ted! How'd you like to have a dog?

No, Mary, I want to have a baby.

Well, yeah, sure. But, I
mean, in the meantime...

Mary, Georgette and I have been
trying for months now to have a kid.

[Sighs] Just
haven't had any luck.

She hasn't been able
to sire me with a son...

An heir to the throne,
prince to King Baxter.

I just don't know what to do.

Why don't you have her beheaded?

Mary. Please.

This is serious. Georgette and
I wanna have a baby real bad!

I don't know what you
think I can do. Talk to her.

I want for the two of us to go to
a doctor, find out what's wrong,

why we can't have a baby.

Please? For Georgette?

Come on over and talk to her.
You're a woman. She'll listen to you.

Ted, you're her husband.

I know that. If I wasn't, would I be
asking you to help us have a baby?

What I mean is, why don't you
talk to her? I tried. She won't listen.

She's very depressed.

Last night, she
cried herself to sleep.

What time do you want me there?

We usually have
dinner around 7:30. Fine.

So figure around 9:00.

Thanks. I'll be there.

Hi, Georgette. Hi, Mary.
What a nice surprise.

Oh? Didn't Ted tell
you I was coming over?

Uh-huh. And I told him the
same thing... what a nice surprise.

Oh.

Oh, Georgette, are you sick?

Mm-mmm. I'm fine. Then why
are you taking your temperature?

Ted and I are trying
to have a baby...

and somebody told me the chances
of conceiving are much better...

when your
temperature's above 98.6.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Well, listen, Georgette, maybe
I'll come back some other time...

when you're not so busy.

No, Mary, stay. It's all right.

Hi, Mary. Hi.

Still 98.6.

Ah, just as well. I'm
watching the Three Stooges.

Georgette, really,
maybe I oughta go.

No, Mary, stay. It's
okay. But it's no problem.

I'll call you tomorrow, you can leave
the thermometer home, we'll have lunch.

Mary, I've been taking my temperature
for three weeks. It never goes above 98.6.

I don't now what to do.
I've tried everything...

Vitamins, positive thinking.

I even went to a gypsy lady.

She told me that Ted
and I should try eating

broccoli and making
love in an empty store.

Ted wouldn't do it.
He hates broccoli.

Georgette, look, I know this
is none of my business, but...

My mother said we should
try writing the King Family.

Maybe they know
something we don't.

Commercial.

[Sighs] Still the
same. No change.

I'm sorry, Ted. That's okay.

That's another reason
I want a baby, Mary...

So Ted'll have someone to
watch the Three Stooges with.

Georgette, listen, if you and
Ted really want to have a child,

don't you think that maybe
you should see a doctor?

I mean, maybe he can
tell you what's wrong.

I'm afraid, Mary.

Suppose he tells me it's my
fault we can't have children?

Ted would never love me anymore.

Oh, Georgette,
that's ridiculous.

Of course he would.

I think I know Ted, and I think if he
found out you two couldn't have children...

he'd be disappointed,
but... But he'd get over it.

What he wouldn't be able to
accept, though, is the thought that...

you could have done something
about it, but you refused.

You know? All
right, Mary, I'll go.

Oh, good for you.

And I'm sure everything's
gonna be just fine.

Let me know how you
make out. Okay? Okay.

Gee, I wish there was some way I
could thank you. Oh, don't be silly.

Do you like broccoli?
I've got a roomful.

Say good night to Ted.
Okay. Good night, Mary.

[Door Closes]

Ted, I've decided
to see the doctor.

Oh! That's terrific, Georgette!

And I'll go and see mine.

And who knows... maybe we
can find out what the trouble is...

and we can do something about
it and everything'll be all right.

Maybe we can...
[Squeals] Ted, please!

[Chuckles] Let's take a
look at that temperature now.

Any change? Yeah.
It's gone down a point.

Dirty, rotten, dopey mutt.
Mr. Grant, are you all right?

Evil, mean, sneaky,
dirty, rotten, dopey mutt.

What happened?

This morning, while I
was taking my shower, he

jumped on the bar and
knocked over all my booze.

Oh, no!

Whatever spilled, he drank.

Bourbon, gin, rye.

- Well, is he okay, Lou?
- He never felt better
in his life.

I just brought him in to
the vet to get him dried out.

Do you know what it's like to carry a
150-pound Saint Bernard when he's drunk?

You... carried him?

Carried him? I had to. Whenever I put
him down, all he wanted to do was dance.

Oh, poor Mr. Grant.

No, I don't know. The
dog drinks and dances.

What more could a
single guy ask for?

Hi, Mary. Hi, Ted.

- Georgette hasn't
come by yet, has she?
- No. Was she supposed to?

Yeah, on her way back from the
doctor. I've just come back from mine.

Oh. And?

Oh, fine. [Chuckles]

Doctor told me I was in great
shape. Exactly as I figured... stud city.

Well, well. Congratulations.

You know, it's an interesting
examination they give you, Mary.

They have this count. Now, in order
for a guy and his chick to have a baby...

Yeah, Ted, I-I know
how that works.

You know, high school biology
and all. I'm very familiar with...

Oh, no, no, no, Mary.

All they teach you in biology
is how to take a frog apart.

They don't even tell you how
to put it back together again.

Pay attention. This is
different. It's highly technical.

Now, in order for a
man to become a father,

he has to have at least 70
million of these little baby-makers.

"Baby-makers"?

If he's got more than 70 million
of these little guys, he's okay.

But if he's got less,

well, that means that he and
his wife can't make a baby.

You get it? And you
have more than enough?

You kidding? They're
coming out of my ears.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Georgette.

Hiya, Georgette.
What'd the doctor say?

Good news. There's
nothing wrong with me.

Oh! That's terrific!

Me too! Oh, Georgette,
that's wonderful!

Yes. That means it's only a
question of time before I have a baby.

Imagine. Next year, I may have someone
to bounce on my knee besides Ted.

You know something, Ted? I think
you're going to make a wonderful father.

Uh-huh. Soon there
may be a Ted Baxter Jr.

[Chuckles] Yeah.

Something I've
always wanted... a son.

[Chuckling]

Someone to buy toys for.

Someone to play catch with.

[Sobbing] Someone
to go fishing with.

Someone to take
to the ball game.

Ted, what's wrong?

There's not gonna be any kid.

I found out today that I don't have
enough of those little baby-makers.

But, Ted, you just said
that the doctor said... I lied.

I was so ashamed.

Just have 50 million
of those little guys.

I'm a failure as a man. I-I'm
sorry, Georgette. Oh, Ted.

[Ted, Sobbing] Oh, Lou.

[Sobbing] Oh, Lou.

[Mouthing Words]

Ted. Ted, what's wrong?

I just found out
I can't give birth.

Ted. Ted, come on. Come on.

You gotta pull
yourself together.

[Gasping] Come on.

Now, look, Ted, I know
what you're going through.

I know what you're going
through. So you can't have a kid.

You can't let that destroy you.
You're too big a man for that.

You gotta pick yourself up. There
are other things in life worth living for.

There are? Sure, there are.

Sure, there are.

For instance,

did you ever consider
owning a dog?

Oh, Mr. Grant!

Really!

I'm sorry, Ted. Listen, if there's
anything I can do, let me know.

Thanks, Lou. [Sniffles]

Sorry.

It's okay, Teddy bear.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Why me?

Why can't I have
a kid? It's not fair.

If Sonny and Cher and Gregg
Allman can have a kid, why can't I?

Oh, hiya, Georgette. Hi, Murray.

[Sobbing] What's
the matter, Ted?

Murr, it's the end
of the Baxter line.

After me, there will never, ever in the
history of the world be another Ted Baxter.

What happened...
Somebody pass a law?

[Sobbing] I found out I
can never, ever be a father!

Oh.

Well, I'm sorry to hear
that, Ted. Very sorry.

Georgette, I really am.

It's the one thing in
life I've always wanted.

Ever since I was a
kid, I wanted a little kid.

Ted, I've been thinking
about this a long time...

What would happen if
we couldn't have children.

And I don't know how
you feel about this,

but seeing as how we
both want a child so badly,

what do you say we adopt one?

Adopt one? No, Georgette.

- That's out of the question.
- But why, Ted?

It would be so wonderful.

Don't you think so, Mary?

Oh, well, Georgette,
I think this is

something that the two
of you have to decide.

It's a very personal issue...

and I don't think that I should offer
an opinion one way or the other.

Well, what's wrong
with adopting, Ted?

I don't know. I just
can't see myself bringing

up a kid that really
doesn't belong to me.

Ted, children belong to whoever
looks after them and loves them.

Well,

I... I just don't
think I could do it.

Ted, all those things
you want a child for...

To take fishing, to take
to the hockey games...

You can do all those
with an adopted child...

and he'll love you
even more for it.

Isn't that right, Mary?

Well, maybe.

But it would take so long.

Not if we adopt an older child.

Believe me, Ted,
somewhere there's a child...

who needs us as much
as we need a child.

I don't know.

Please, Ted?

[Mouthing Words] Please?

All right! We'll do it!
Oh, Ted, thank you!

What are you working on there?

Oh, it's, uh... I just got
a toy for my future kid.

It's a puzzle. You gotta get
the animals in the right holes.

Well, Ted, uh, you're
probably gonna get a child...

at least seven or older,

and this says that it's
for children under five.

This is for
five-year-old children?

It's gonna have to be a
very strong kid to get it in.

Say, have you got a nail file on you,
Mary? If I get the edge off here, I...

Ted, you're not supposed
to have to do that.

What you're supposed to
do... N-N-N-N... Don't tell me.

I want my son
and I to figure it out.

You're really excited about adopting
this child, aren't you? I sure am.

The last week, I haven't been
able to think of anything else.

I want him more
than anything now,

even more than...

More than getting this lousy
elephant in this stupid hole!

I think that hole
is for the giraffe.

You see the long neck?

Oh, I thought that was
for the elephant's trunk.

Well, sometimes
they try to trick ya.

[Phone Ringing] Oh!

Hey, very good.

Hello?

This may be it,
Mary. It's my lawyer.

Hello, Frank. How's it coming?

What do you mean
nine months to a year?

Whoever had to wait
nine months to have a kid?

Th-There's nothing you can do?

Are you sure? Nothing?

Yeah. O-O-Okay.

Thanks. Thanks for
trying, Frank. Good-bye.

Aw, Ted.

[Sighs]

Okay, so you... You
have to wait a while.

It's not the end of the world.

Just wasn't meant to be, Mary.

The doctor said I
couldn't have a kid.

Now the adoption agency's
calling, telling me I can't have a kid.

Let's face it.

Ted Baxter is an
endangered species.

[Doorbell Rings]

Hi, honey, I'm h-home.

Ted!

What happened?

Uh, he, uh... He had a couple
of drinks. But he'll be all right.

Yeah, couple of
drinks. He'll be all right.

Ted, why?

He took it kinda hard when he found
out he couldn't adopt a kid right away.

When he didn't come back from
lunch, we went out looking for him.

- Ted, you know you can't drink.
- I'm f-f-fine, honey.

When I didn't come back from
lunch, we went out looking for me.

Uh, do you want us
to stay, Georgette?

No, thank you. I'll
take care of him. Okay.

Thank you for bringing him home.

When a guy's had too
much to drink, it's up

to his buddies to
keep him out of trouble.

So we just put him in the
car and brought him home.

Yeah, in the trunk.

Good night, Georgette.

Oh, Ted.

Um, I'm sorry, honey.

I really am. [Chuckles]

I've been trying to reach you all
day. The agency called this afternoon.

A couple they promised a
child to just changed their minds.

He's ours if the
agency approves of us.

Then... we can
have him right away?

My son? My boy?

Yes. [Doorbell Rings]

Well, what are we...
waiting for? L-Let 'im in!

Ted, that's not him. It's the
lady from the adoption agency.

That's why I was
trying to call you...

To tell you that she was coming
over to meet us and to check us out.

[Doorbell Rings] The lady's
going to judge us, so shape up!

Okay. I can't be drunk. I
can't be drunk. I can't be drunk.

I can't be drunk. I can't
be drunk. [Clearing Throat]

Okay, okay I'm
rea... [Hiccups] ready.

Mr. and Mrs. Baxter? How
do you do? I'm Mrs. Adams.

I'm sorry I'm a little late, but
I've really had a hectic day.

Oh, what a lovely apartment.

Thank you.

We live here, you
kn... [Hiccups] know.

I couldn't help noticing, on my way over
here, what a pleasant neighborhood this is.

And you've got that nice
park right across the street.

Yes, we're very happy here.

May I take your hat?

I haven't got a hat.

Oh.

Well, I... I guess
somebody else took it.

Um, wouldn't you
like to sit down?

Uh, thank you. [Sighs]

Boy, would I.

I-I'm sure your wife has told
you that a child is available and...

Oh, that's a nice dress!

Thank you. And those
are great glasses.

Aren't those terrific
glasses, Georgette?

[Chuckles] I love your
rims. They're great rims!

You know something? You're cute.

Georgette, why don't we
adopt h... [Hiccups] her?

Well, thank you very
much, Mr. and Mrs. Baxter.

I think I've found
out all I need to know.

It was nice meeting you.

Oh. Those are nice shoes.

[Chuckles] They
look just like mine.

[Giggles] They are mine!

Could you come back
tomorrow and see us?

I-I don't think I'll be able to.
I've got a very heavy schedule.

We're not gonna
get the child, are we?

I don't make those
decisions, Mrs. Baxter.

The agency will be
in touch with you.

I'm sorry, Georgette.

I ruined it for us.

Oh, Ted, don't blame
yourself. It's not your fault.

I wanted a kid so bad, more
than anything in the whole world.

I know, Ted, but we've still got
each other, and that's what matters.

Please try to understand.

I have a responsibility to see that these
children are placed in suitable homes.

"Suitable"?

You don't think we're suitable?

Let me tell you about suitable.

That man has papered an entire room
with the Three Bears for his new child.

So it's the kitchen.
So he made a mistake.

But he cares so much,

and you say he's not suitable.

Just so the child
won't get a shock,

for safety, that man moved
every electric socket six feet high.

He went out and
paid $12 for toys.

That may not sound
like much to you, but it's

more than he paid for
my engagement ring.

And you say not suitable!

Today, this was the first
time I've ever seen him drunk,

and it's only because
he thought he'd have to

wait a year to get the
child he wants so badly.

My Lord, I'm a
beautiful human being.

I'll tell you what.

Let's do this again tomorrow.

Oh, thank you. Oh,
good! That's a great idea.

Come on. [Sighs]

Let's go get a good night's
sleep. We'll talk to her tomorrow.

What are you doing?
I'm a married man!

There you go, Mr. Grant.

Okay, Murray, sign it. Hurry up.
Ted and the kid'll be here any minute.

There it is, Lou. Okay.

Gee, I hope the little guy likes his
present. Relax. He's gonna love it.

Boy, it's hard to imagine Ted Baxter
taking on that kind of responsibility...

Trying to mold and
develop a tiny mind.

Why? He's been
doing it for 40 years.

Lady and gentleman,

Ted Baxter takes great pride in
presenting to the WJM newsroom...

the heir to the Baxter throne...

Master David Belmore Baxter!

Ta-da!

Hello.

Hi.

David, this is Murray Slaughter.

Hello, David.
Hello, Mr. Slaughter.

My dad told me you're the
best news writer in the business.

Why, thank you.
Thank you very much.

And your father is the...

best anchorman in town.

Yes, I know. He
told me that too.

And this... This
is Mary Richards.

David, it's really a pleasure to
meet you. And you can call me Mary.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Is it true you were once
madly in love with my father?

[Chuckling] David,
you'll embarrass Mary.

[Door Opens]

Lou. Well, well, well.

I want you to meet my
son. David, this is Mr. Grant.

Hello, David. How do you do?

Nice to meet you,
Mr. Grant. Yeah.

Well... Hey, David, come on in my
office. We've got a present for you.

Is it okay, Dad?

Sure, Son.

Did you hear that?

He called me "Dad"! [Giggles]

No kid's ever said
that to me before.

Oh, Ted, he's just wonderful.

You should be very
happy, Ted. He's a nice boy.

There's only one thing that
bothers me. [Mary] What?

How old do you think he should
be before I tell him he's adopted?

Hi, Mommy! Hiya, Georgette!

Hi, Georgette. We just met
David. He's a terrific boy.

He's a great kid. Good luck.

Thank you. Yeah.
Lou likes him too.

He's inside now
giving him a present.

Oh, that's nice.

I have a present for you
too, Ted. Oh? What is it?

[Whispering, Indistinct]

You're pregnant?

Georgette, you're kidding!

Hey, well,
congratulations again, Ted.

Oh, Georgette, that's wonderful!

Georgette, what... What
are you talking about?

The doctor said we're
gonna have a baby. But how?

Well, you know those little guys
you said you didn't have enough of?

Uh-huh.

You may not have as many as
the doctor said you should have,

but one of the little
buggers did the job.

Oh, maybe it'll be a girl.
Wouldn't that be nice?

Hey, how about that? I did it.

[Ted Giggling]
Isn't it wonderful?

Now I'll have a real family... a wife,
a son, maybe a daughter on the way.

What more could a
man possibly ask for?

Hi, Mom!

Hey, and, Dad, look
what Mr. Grant gave me!

Ohh!

Lou, you shouldn't have!

My pleasure, Ted.

[Mews]