07x06 - Robert Needs Money

[bunniefuu]

- Hey.
- Hey, robert.

- Hey.
What are you doing?

- Oh, nothing.

Just thought I'd come by,
see what you guys are doing.

- Oh, we're going to the movies.

- Oh.

- You know, if you want,
you can come.

- No, no.
That's okay.

- No, yeah.
I mean, come. Come.

We were gonna go as a couple,

But you can ruin it if you want.

- Well, that's sweet of you,
but no, no.

- Oh, come on, robert.
Come with us, huh?

You can call somebody,
and we'll make it a double date.

- Well, by the time
he gets a date,

The movie'll be on video.

- Actually, movies really aren't
in my budget right now.

- Really?
- Budget?

What, the new giant tax
kick in?

- If you must know,

They're making a lot of pay cuts
at the precinct.

They're cutting back
on the hours,

And people are just scrambling
to make ends meet.

- Oh, robert, I had no idea.
Why the cutbacks?

- Uh, crime's at a 30-year low.

It's tough on everybody.

And the guys--they're having to
take second jobs,

People are dipping
into their retirement funds.

It's rough out there.

So I had to cancel
my cable,

But, uh, thought maybe
I can come over here

And watch a movie
on your satellite.

- You canceled cable?

- Oh, yeah,
but that's okay.

You know,
I got to shift my focus,

Reevaluate my priorities.

- Couldn't keep basic cable?

- I'm doing what needs
to be done, raymond,

Across the board.

You know, you'd be surprised
how inexpensive and versatile

Bologna is.

- What are you
talking about?

- Bologna. It's great.

I made it in casseroles,
stew, salad.

I even put it into a pie.

- How was that?

- Not too good.

- Robert, I'm a little
worried about you.

- No, no, I'm fine.
I'm a grownup.

- Well, here.
Mommy made some cookies.

- Huh. Thanks.
Well, you guys go ahead.

You have a good time.

- All right, come on.
Let's go.

Now that I don't have cookies,
I got to get goobers.

- Ray, what about robert?

- Well...

Well...well, he's coming off
bologna pie.

- We need to help him.

- Wh-what do you mean,
like milk?

- Money. He needs money.
Weren't you listening?

- Yeah. He didn't
ask for money.

- Because he's
too proud to ask.

- Well, it's a good system.

He keeps his pride.
We keep our money.

- Ray, we are in pretty good
shape financially, okay?

I would never bring it up

If I didn't think
we could afford to help him.

I mean, he can't even
go to the movies.

- Neither can i!

- I say we give him
some money.

- Well, you're always
saying things.

- All right, then, a loan.

- Come on, he's fine.

- Ray, look at him.

- [Sighs]

- I'm so glad
we're doing this.

- Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

How much we gonna give him?

- Like...$1,000.

- A thousand--
- shh.

- [Muffled] $1,000?

- It has to be enough
to help him, ray.

- Well, all right, help him,
but $1,000.

What about that thing:
teach a man to fish

So he doesn't take
your $1,000?

- His bills are piling up.

This will get him
out from under them.

What is the matter
with you?

- It's just...
I like $1,000.

- Ray, he's your brother.

- [Exhales sharply]

- Robert?

- Hey. I thought you guys
were going to the movies.

- I thought so too.

- Ray and I were talking,

And we want to lend you
some money.

- What?

- Yeah, it's not a big deal.
We don't have to talk about it.

Okay?
Here. Just take it.

- This is $1,000.

- Yes.

- This is so sweet of you.

- Oh, that's okay, robert.

- I can't take this.

- All right,
if that's how you feel.

- Ray!

Look, robert,
it's okay.

It's okay.
It's just a loan.

- Yeah, but see,
that's just it.

Because the way things are,

I don't know when
I'll be able to pay it back.

And I can't live with that.

But you know what?

I'll never forget
that you offered it to me.

This means
so much to me.

- Here, take it.
It's a gift.

- We want you
to have it, robert,

And we don't want you
to worry about it.

- Thank you.

- Okay.

- Come here.

This really helps, raymond.

- It's okay, robert.

[Straining]
you're my brother!

Hey, we're here
to pick up the kids,

Unless you want to keep 'em.

- Here, frank,
we brought you some donuts.

- Your kids were here
two days in a row.

There better be
some eclairs in here.

- Sorry, dad.
I guess you don't want 'em.

- Get lost.

- Hi, dears.

- Hey, marie.
- Hey.

- What are those, donuts?

- Get lost.

- You better save one
for robbie.

He's coming over.

- Oh, great. Mopey d*ck.

- He's in a very good mood now.

He's not mopey d*ck.

He sounded so happy.

What's going on?

- Yeah, we did a nice thing.

- Hey, it's a box of donuts.
You're not mother teresa.

- No, dad,
we did something for robert.

- What did you do?

- He just told us that
he's been going through

A rough patch financially,

So we helped him out
a little.

- You mean with money?

- Yeah.

- How much?

- $1,000.
- [Gasps]

- What are you two, idiots?

- No, we thought it was
the right thing to do.

And you heard marie.
He's finally happy.

- Why didn't he come to us
if he needed money?

- Because we'd say no.

- I'm his mother.

I'm the one he should come to
if he needed money.

Raymond, I want to
buy out that loan.

- No! No way!

Lending money to robert

Is the stupidest thing
I ever heard.

- It wasn't a loan.
It was a gift.

- I stand corrected.

- Why don't you see
how many donuts

You can get
in your mouth, dad?

- Oh, they're all going in.

But let me tell you something
about giving money.

First of all, you never
just offer it to anybody.

They got to come to you
with a really good reason

And a whole plan
to pay you back.

And then, only after they've
proved that they're good for it,

You tell 'em, b*at it, loser.

- So you just humiliate them?

- No, they shame themselves.

They learn a lesson.

And if they don't, screw them.

Who needs friends like that?

- Hey, everybody!
How's it going?

Nice to see everybody.

- Okay, see?
Happy.

- Yeah, it's nice.

- Why wouldn't he come to me?

- All righty.
I'll see you guys later.

- Hey, where you going?
- Yeah, robbie.

Do you want a donut?

- Oh, I'd love to, ma,
but there's a couple things

I have to take care of
before I go on vacation.

- Vacation?

- Yep, las vegas, nevada!

Oh! I need my flip-flops.

- [Laughs]

- Did he just say
he's going to las vegas?

- Nevada!

- Robert. Robert!

- Yeah?

- Do you have a moment?

Can you believe this?

- Hey. What's up, bro?

- Well, bro...

Word has it
you're going to vegas.

- Yep, I'm hopping on
the big, silver bird

At 8:45 tomorrow.

By 1:45, the emperor's buffet
at caesars palace:

Shrimp, tacos, waffles,
and turkey legs.

- And, hey,
while you're in vegas,

You can pick up ray's
"sucker of the year" award.

- Wait a minute, robert.

Are you sure you can afford
to go to las vegas?

- Well, I can now,
thanks to you.

- But you were eating
bologna pie!

- [Gasps]

Debra, why would
you make that for him?

- I didn't make it.

Robert was saying he's been
eating bologna in everything,

Because he has no money.

- Yeah, we thought you would
use that $1,000 to--

I don't know--
keep yourself alive.

- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?

What about all your problems
and your bills?

- Yeah, you see,
I thought about that,

But those things'll
always be there.

When else am I gonna have
an extra $1,000 to go to vegas?

- That wasn't
an extra $1,000.

- Robert, can I say something?

Going to las vegas
seems a bit extravagant

For someone
in your position.

- Well, my position is extremely
stressed and needing a vacation.

- Oh, if you need
a vacation, robbie,

You know where
I always wanted to go?

Hershey, pennsylvania.

We could watch them
make chocolate.

- Yeah, you're gonna watch.

- All right,
I'll see you guys later.

- Hold it, robert.

You don't see anything wrong

With taking my money
and going to vegas?

- You mean the money
I never asked for

That you gave me
as a gift?

- Oh, come on,
you came in our house

With a big crying act,

And then you ate
all my cookies.

- Can I just say something?

- No, the last thing you said
cost me $1,000.

I didn't give you that money
so you could go to vegas.

- Oh, I'm sorry I didn't read
the small print on the check.

I didn't realize that your gifts
came with rules attached.

"Here's the money,

And here's a list of things
you can do with it."

- You know what I mean.

- I mean,
if you gave me a chair,

Would you tell me
how to sit in it?

"Here, robert.
I gave you this chair.

Don't sit like this.
Sit like this!"

- Now, robert...

- I gave you that money,
and you hugged me.

And I let you hug me.

And I said,
"you're my brother."

You take that money
and you go to vegas with it,

You're not my brother.

- Oh, really?

- You know...

I once lost a friend over $50.

And I'll tell ya,

Sometimes, when I'm driving,

I still think
about that $50.

[Knock on door]

- Come in!

Get out!

- Can I talk to you?

Look, I might've said
some things back there

That I probably
shouldn't have said.

- It's fine, raymond.

- You like that flavor combo?

- Yes, I do.

And I'm gonna
save some for later.

- I'm sorry, all right?

I guess I reacted badly,
because, I don't know,

I was kind of shocked.

I didn't mean to imply
that you're not my brother

Or that I don't want you
to be my brother.

You're my brother, okay?

- Thank you, raymond.
That means a lot to me.

I think I understand now
where you're coming from.

- Good. Good.

- I'm gonna go pack.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're still going?

- What do you mean?
You just apologized.

- Yeah, I apologized for saying
you're not my brother,

But why would I apologize
for you taking my money

And going to vegas
with it?

- Because you realize
that only a heartless dictator,

Or mom,

Would tell people
how to live their lives.

- You're calling me
a heartless dictator...

Or mom?

- You're exactly the same.

So why don't you
just leave me alone

And go back
to raymondland,

Where all the birds
sing your name

And the squirrels
press your pants for you?

- Oh, I see.
Oh, I have the life, right?

Oh, it never ends
for raymond.

Yeah. Yeah.
I'm lucky, right?

I have so much money
to give away

That you can just take it
and go to vegas with it,

And that'll be your big
"screw you" to me.

- Oh, yeah?
Well, then, I'll tell you what.

See? Why don't you just
take your check back, okay?

Because the bottom line is,

You can't stand
to see me happy.

- No, you take it.
You take this check.

- I don't want it.
- You take it.

Take it! Stop it!
You take it!

It's worth $1,000

Not to hear
any of your crap again.

- My crap is true!

- What is it, huh?

It's like you want to
take my money,

'Cause you think I don't even
deserve it in the first place.

Oh, my god.
You do think that.

You do think that!
Give me my check back!

- I didn't say that!
- You didn't not say it.

- Oh, come on, raymond,
be honest.

You're telling me that luck
hasn't played

A small role in your life?

- Where? What?
How am I luckier than you?

- Look at me!

Look how I'm living!
Look how I eat!

Bologna and orange juice,
like an animal!

Why do you think
I have to go to vegas?

Because I'm not lucky, raymond.

I need a break from my life!

- Here.

Go to vegas.

- No. I can't.
I don't want to.

Sorry what I said, raymond.

You deserve
everything you got.

I'm just a jealous jerk.

- I don't know
what you're jealous about.

I mean...you dream of taking
a vacation in vegas.

You know what I dream of?

Five minutes in the bathroom
without a g*ng of maniacs

Pounding on the door.

- Yeah, but at least
if you pass out in there,

You've got someone
to come and find you.

- What do you do
in the bathroom?

- Hey, you know what?
Why don't you come with me?

- Where? Vegas?

- Come on, the barone brothers
on the strip.

- No...

I can't go there.

I'll go one day,
probably ten years from now,

To drag ally
out of a casino chapel.

- Come on.

White tigers,
magical fountains,

They got a hotel
from every country.

It's like the whole world
on one big, hot street.

- Hey, don't think
I wouldn't love to go.

There's only one problem,
and she's not a small problem.

- All right, but look,

Just tell her it would be
really important to me.

Come on, two or three days.
Tell her.

I mean, she may not care
if you're happy,

But she likes me.

- That's true.

- Come on, ray.
Two or three days.

Empty hotel room, minibar,
pay-per-view movies.

Room service cheeseburgers
at 3:00 in the morning.

- We're gonna need
another thousand.

- Hey.
So how'd it go?

- [Sighs]
it didn't go well.

- Really?
- No.

Those things I said
really hurt him.

- Didn't you apologize?

- Yeah, I apologized.

He said it's gonna take more
than an apology, you know?

He said talk is cheap.

- Oh.
[Clicks teeth]

Well, what are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

I think he'd like it if I spent
more time with him.

- Yeah, that would be good.

- He's thinking of, like,
six days in vegas.

- What?

- That's what he said.
Yeah.

I told him,
"no way. I don't want to go."

He got this hurt look
on his face, you know,

And then he turned
his back to me,

And I think he was crying,
'cause he did one of those--

[Inhales heavily]

I don't know.
I felt so bad.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

- I think maybe
it's a good idea.

- Yeah? You think?

- Yeah. I think you should go.

And when you get there,

See what the odds are

Of me being here
when you get back.