07x07 - The Sigh

[bunniefuu]

- Ah.

[Spits loudly]

[Sighs loudly]

- What?
- Nothin'.

- No, what?

- Nothin'. I'm just
waiting for the mirror.

- Got to pluck your eyebrows
before you go to bed?

What's with that?

You're just gonna
mush 'em up, anyway.

- Well, you comb your hair.
How stupid is that?

- That's my routine.


Wash face, comb hair,
brush teeth...

Scrape tongue.

You never know when
that "blue moon"

Is gonna pop up.

- Well, you're getting
in the way of my routine.

- Well, it's my bathroom, too,
you know.

- Yes, I know.

- I guess I should
just move out

And leave the whole bathroom
to you.

- Really?

- Huh?

- Could I have
the bathroom?

- What do you mean?

- Oh, forget it.

- What, you want me to
move out of our bathroom?

- No...no.
I guess we can just...

Go on like this...

[Sighs]
forever.

- Wait, what's wrong with me
being in this bathroom?

What?

Every time I spit on you,
I wipe you off.

No, I know that,
and I appreciate it.

It's just that there's always
puddles of water

On the floor after you shower,

And you leave
your wet towel on the tub.

You use my roll-on deodorant.
You take--

- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I don't use
your roll-on deodorant, okay.

That goes against
everything I stand for.

- Ray, I found a hair.

- All right, one time!

One! One!
One lousy swipe.

That hair must have
been very loose.

- Okay.
It's okay.

I threw the whole thing out

Before it ever touched me.

- Do I disgust you?
I disgust you, don't i?

- No, no, no.

Not all the time.

It's just that...

You know, there's no room
for my stuff.

Do you know how much
I would love

To have a thing
of q-tips right here?

Or have my curling iron
always plugged in?

Or my make-up laid out
where I could see everything

Instead of stuffed in a box
under the sink?

- Okay.
- I just--

- Okay, listen,

I'll use the bathroom
down the hall.

- No, no, no.
That's not why I said it.

I don't want you
to do that.

- No, it's nothing.
It's easy for me.

Toothbrush, razor, comb--
what do I need?

- You would really do that?

- Not just for anybody.

For the woman
I'm having sex with tonight.

[Knocking on door]

- Michael, come on!
I'm late for work!

Aw, you did this yesterday!

You've been on the toilet
for half an hour!

Come on,
you're 7, not 67!

Were you playing
with your action figures?

- It helps me.

- All right, come on.
Go, go. Go to school.

Aw, no!

No, come on!
This is not good!

Pick up your clothes!

At least hang the towel
on the knob, huh?

Toilet paper doesn't
belong on the floor!

It's like a bus station
in here.

- Daddy, I have to go
to the bathroom.

- Yeah, all right.
Go ahead.

- Daddy!

- What?

All right.

I'm leaving.

Here.
Knock yourself out.

What the hell?

- I lit
the candles for you.

- Oh, I can't wait!

Oh, my.

It's beautiful!

- Oh, hi.

- Oh, hello, raymond.
- Hey.

- I just brought your mother up
to show off.

- When did you do this?

Oh, and I took your suggestion,
marie.

I put the lights
on a dimmer.

Huh?

- Oh, that's nice.

I always dim them,

And then I light
a gardenia candle.

Then I'm ready
to drop my robe

And slide into
my bubble bath.

- I'm gonna sit.

- Oh, oh, and look at this.

- Oh, you got one of those!
- Yes.

- Oh, you two are
going to be so happy

That you've done all this.

You know,
when robbie moved out,

I took over the boys' bathroom,

And now frank and I
get along so much better.

- Yeah, debra and I
have always dreamed of

Having a marriage
like yours.

- Oh, I better go;
I'm expecting a delivery,

And your father
doesn't have pants on.

You did a marvelous job,
debra.

I just may have to
bathe here myself sometime.

- Lot of nice images today.

- So, what do you think?

- Oh, it's incredible.
- Uh-huh.

What do you got coming
out of the tap now,

Holy water?

- So how's all this
working out for you?

- Oh, terrific.
Yeah.

It was kind of crowded
in the kids' bathroom.

I thought I'd come back
and visit the old neighborhood.

- So you want to use this?

Okay.
Go ahead.

- Yeah, really?
Okay.

- Sure.
- All right, thanks.

Sorry.

How 'bout I just, uh...

You know what?
I don't need a bathroom.

- Hey.

Well, well, look at this.

What do we have here, dad?

- Well, robert,
did you hear?

Debra kicked him
out of his bathroom.

- She didn't kick me out.

I gave it to her.

- You gave it to her?

- Why?

- Because I spit, she sighed,

I felt bad, and here I am.

- You just gave up the bathroom?

That's the most important
room of the house.

It's the only place a man
can truly express himself.

- Oh, I'm familiar with
some of your expressions, dad.

- I'm not kidding around,
mary alice.

Let the woman have
the kitchen and the bedroom.

The bathroom
belongs to the king.

- Yes, and it appears raymond
has abdicated his throne.

- It's no big deal,
all right?

This is a compromise you make
when you live with a person.

- Compromise.

That's what the loser says
to explain what happened.

- Look, there's nothing wrong
with debra

Having a place in the house
that's hers.

- Oh, yeah?
Where's your place, ray?

- I got my office.

- You mean your little
wooden desk down in the basement

Next to the hot-water heater?

- Look, what you two geniuses
don't understand

Is that ever since
I did this,

The wife has been
in a great mood.

As a matter of fact,
last night, we...

Uh-huh...

And no begging.

- And how long do you think
that's gonna last?

- Look, all I know is when
I said I'd get out of there,

She's been all happy,
and that's good enough for me.

- Why don't you
move out completely?

You'll get action
all the time.

- I'll tell you
why she's happy.

She's the king now.

And who are you?

Look at yourself
in the toaster!

You're the court jester,

Shaving in the kitchen sink.

You listen to me, you dope.

You take back this house,
or pretty soon,

You'll be outside pitching
a tent over the sandbox!

- I don't need to
take back this house.

It's my house, all right?

It's always been my house,

Nd it'll always be my house,
all right?

So just mind your businesses,
both of you.

- You know what?
You're right, raymond.

I feel bad about
what I said.

You deserve to relax.

Let me run you
a hot bath.

[Water heater rumbles]

[Rumbling stops]

- Well, I know, but you
shouldn't be going to bars.

You are never gonna
meet guys that way, amy.

Hold on one second.

Ray, have you seen
last month's bank statement?

Are you sure?

Where did I
put that thing?

Why would you
go to a sports bar?

Come on, I mean aren't all those
guys in the worst shape?

- [Sighs]

- I'm sure I put it
on this desk somewhere.

- Oh.

- Ah! There we go.
I found it.

- [Sighs]
oh...

- Wow! I think our bank
is ripping us off.

These atm fees
are unbelievable.

- [Loud sigh]

- But anyway, you know what
would be good for you?

On-line dating services.
Uh-huh.

- All right, that's it.
Get out!

- What?

- "Oh, amy,

Bok-bok-bok-bok-
bok-bok-bok-bok."

Get out.

- Amy...

Can I call you back?

Okay.

Is there something wrong?

- You've got every room
in the house.

You got the kitchen,
you got the bedroom.

The living room isn't mine.

I even handed over
the bathroom,

My throne, my very throne.

I would think
the least you could do

Is let me have
my little dungeon down here,

Where, by the way,
I happen to make all the money

That pays for this
whole castle.

Or is that
too much to ask?

- No.

[Stomping up stairs]

- That's right.

Aah!

- What are you doin'?

- What am I doing?

I'm giving the bathroom king
his throne back.

- Look, I was just
trying to make a point.

I want a little space
to myself downstairs.

- Then why didn't you say that
instead of giving a big speech

About how you have nothing?

- When did you say,
"excuse me,

I just need some space
right now in my office"?

- When I sighed.

- You sighed?

- Yeah, I went...
[Sighs].

- What? I'm supposed
to know what that means?

- Yes, because when you went...
[Sighs]

I gave you the bathroom.

- I never went...
[Sigh]

You practically fogged up
the mirror with your...

[Loud sigh]

Meantime, you didn't
get the message,

Even though I had to go...
[Repetitive sighing]

- Okay, fine--

- Give me a second.
I'm a little dizzy.

- If--if I did sigh,

I didn't mean
anything by it.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I know you too well.
I know exactly what it meant.

It meant
"you smell. Get out."

- Ray, you may smell,
but you offered to leave!

- Well, I didn't mean it.

- Well, why did you say it?

- I was being nice!

- Well, this should be
a little lesson for you.

You should always mean
what you say.

- And you should always
mean what you sigh.

- Do you want to know
why I sigh?

It's like a pressure valve,
a release.

Living with you, if I didn't
sigh every once in a while,

I would explode.

- Oh, well, you think you're
so easy to live with?

I think I'm very easy
to live with.

- Ha!

You are so wrong.

Open up the window
and let some of the wrong out.

You--you have
so many annoying habits.

- Oh, yeah?
Like what?

You know how when you read
your magazine in bed

And you lick your fingers
before you turn every page?

- So?

- I hate that.

- Get out of here!

- Yes, yes,
'cause you slurp your finger.

- Slurp?

This is not a slurp.

- Oh, it's a slurp, okay?

It's right next to my ear.

[Loud slurping noise]

Then you take your wet thumb,
and you put it on the page,

Which, by the way,
is disgusting.

- Oh, oh, I'm sorry
I'm disgusting you

While you're trying
to clean your toenails

With a hanger.

- The only reason I did that
was to see if it worked, okay?

And it does...

For the big toe.

- Okay, fine.

And I lick my finger
when I read a magazine.

If that's all you've got,
you've got it pretty good.

- Oh, I've got plenty more,
sister.

I got plenty more, all right?

How 'bout the way you sneeze?

- What is wrong
with the way I sneeze?

- Because you don't sneeze.
You try to stop it.

Ah, ah, ah!

Nyeah!

Ah, nyeah!

Ah, nyeah!

Do you know
how annoying that is?

Not to mention, you could
blow out your eye that way.

- Oh? And how would you
like me to sneeze?

- Like a person.
Just let it go.

A person goes,
ah-choo!

Not, ah-nyeah!

- Oh, so I should just
let it go

And spray everything,
like you.

You sneeze like it's
a big broadway musical finale.

Ah...choo!

Ah...choo!

Ah...choo!

Good night, everybody!
Enjoy my mucus!

- I know why you try
to stop your sneeze.

'Cause you want to control it.

Yes, it's all about control.

That's right.

You got to control
everything,

Especially in here.

- Up your nose?

- And into my brain.

- Well, I guess I would use
the biggest opening.

- Ha ha ha ha!

Ah, nyeah!

How 'bout--
how 'bout the time

That we were at the pet store
with the kids

And that guy had a monkey?

All I did was look at it,
and you gave me that face.

- What face?

That "don't even
think about it" face.

- Well, you know we can't have
a monkey in the house!

- I know!

I wasn't going
to buy a monkey.

But you didn't even like
that I thought it might be fun.

- That's right, because maybe
I don't want to think

That my husband,
who I'm married to,

Would like to live
with a monkey!

- Well, maybe I would.

- Well, maybe I do.

- All right.
You know what, get out.

Get out of my bathroom!

- No, you gave it to me,
and I'm keeping it.

- What, no,
you said I could come back.

- Yeah, well, I changed my mind.

You can just go out
and think about monkeys.

Now get out!

- I'm not goin' anywhere!

You--

Get out!

- Watch yourself.

[Turns on water]

[Water stops running]

- Ha ha! Doesn't even work.

Ah! Hey!

- I warned you!

I warned you,
now get out!

- I am not getting--

What, are you crazy?

Are you crazy?

Take it, then!

- You give it back!

This is my shower massage!

- Your shower,
yeah, yeah, okay.

Have your shower!

- Drop it! Drop it!

- You drop it first!

- Let's drop it
at the same time!

- All right, all right,
all right!

- On the count of three!

One...two...

Three!

- Yes, that's right!
That's right!

- How dare you!

Get out of my bathroom!

You are in for it, mister!

- You are in big trouble!
- It's my shower!

It's mine!
It's mine!

- Hi, kids.

[Clears throat]

Mom and dad were just
having a discussion

About how sometimes
we need our own space.

- Yes.

Yeah, that's all.
We were just, uh...

Hey, you know what?

[Screaming]

I like this thing.

- Yeah, I got it on sale.

- I like it.
I like the water pressure.

- Yeah, it's good.

Not in the face, but...

- Yeah.
No.

Hey, uh, kids!

Come on back.

- We promise daddy
won't spray you again.